2003/12/31

Late-night conversations are fun:

"This is the wrong kind of conversation to be having when I'm not wearing pants."

I'm the funny.

2003/12/30

I have a new toy.

Oh yes. It is mine, and it is good. I was playing with it yesterday, taking pictures of nothing and making short little movies -- with audio! -- of my friends. Life is good. :)

Shawn also redeemed himself as my friend by accompanying me on my quest for the camera, and having patience with my poor constitution, left over from my dread disease or something. I *will* force my body into accepting food, whether it likes it or not!

Once I get through my work day today, it's all fun and parties and socializing for a few days. I'm getting together with Jay (and a potential crew) tonight, then there's a party tomorrow night, then another party on Saturday, and I'm on vacation in between. Admittedly, I have a bunch of things I have to do, but aside from that, it's relaxing and trying to shake the remnants of the whatever I've had -- either a really wicked cold, the flu, or bronchitis (as diagnosed by my coworker yesterday).

Gord made a super-awesome dinner for a few of us last night, thrown together and invented out of I'm not sure what, but it was quite tasty. Love for Gord!

We also discussed all of us moving our sites to another kind of hosting that Gord's going to set up, and we've picked out our domain names for the sites. I'm not going to post mine here yet, 'cause the purchasing isn't complete (Gord's going to buy them from work today), but I've got some fun ones picked out, for sure. :) Plus, Ben is looking after scripts to move all of my old archives and comments to whatever new system I wind up using (I think they're pushing Blosxom at this point), so that's all good, too. :)

Today I get to run around and return things (well, hopefully return things), get my contacts, pay a bill (remember to pay it!), get my paycheque (to make up for all the money I spent yesterday), and attempt once again to contact my landlord to pay rent. Two months at a time, that's going to hurt. *sigh* Stupid landlord.

2003/12/29

New article up on Whore's Boudoir.
Another day, another boob picture.

I mean, t-shirt picture.

2003/12/28

Well, I'd go over the last few days for you in detail, but there's not a whole lot to say. I spent most of it at the homestead; I moved out there on the 24th, in the evening, in time for dinner and hanging out. I drove over to D's place for awhile for opening of gifts and watching tv, and it was at that point that my cold moved from my chest into my nose.

Headed back home, went to bed around midnight or so, and slept pretty well. I woke up in the morning to being alternately poked and tapped with a cardboard tube left over from the wrapping paper. My mom mentioned she liked the noise, as she stood there and continued poking and thumping me with it. My family, ladies and gentlemen.

Opened the gifts, and as I said, I got a lot of smallish stuff. Some neat things, though; an antique tea set, a couple of board games, and so forth. D came over for a bit and we drove out to the drugstore in a bid to find a cold medication that would actually work for me, as the Dayquil/Nyquil combination was doing SFA. I decided on Buckley's, and that stuff tastes like melted Vicks Vapo-Rub. It seemed to work somewhat, especially when combined occasionally with the few Tylenol Cold pills I had -- have I mentioned that I foresee myself dying through an overdose of over-the-counter medications? Oh yes, I will.

Didn't do a whole heck of a lot on Christmas Day, really. Mom sent Kim and I to rent Bend it like Beckham after dinner, as I'd decided to stay the night again and they wanted Kim and I to see this movie. It was great fun; I missed a few things here and there through accent difficulties and general tiredness, but overall enjoyed it. After that one, we started in on Anything Goes, or whatever it's called (Jason Biggs, Christina Ricci), but it was a Woody Allen movie and none of us were particularly into it (understatement), so off it went.

Then it was time for the Buffy marathon. Woo! I watched it until 2 or 3 in the morning, then settled down on the couch with my trusty kitty by my legs (Digger is the best cat ever), and passed out until 11 or so, when my folks were more up and about. Spent most of the day alternately watching the marathon or doing various things about the house; I very much wasn't into shopping, and didn't really feel the need to do much of it, so it was a good balance.

After dinner my folks brought me downtown, and I started putting things away. D came over to give me my gifts and we set up the DVD player and watched X-Men 2, which he'd given me. After he left I farted around on the computer for awhile, then crashed.

Yesterday was more computer fartage during the day, then headed over to the nice dirty store with Ben and his sister for shopping fun. I picked up a couple of books and a new shower toy, which will be spending time in my soap dish. Fear not, Ben, I will not trip on it and kill myself in the shower -- his new nightmare, apparently. As I said to his sister, plenty of boys masturbate in the shower, why can't I? Exactly. :)

We saw his sister off on the bus, then hit the comic book shoppe (I need to see if they have a return policy), grabbed some dinner and compared notes on various locations about his house that we'd tagged (and it was pointed out to me once again that there is no location on the roof of the shopping centre that is without a video camera), and hit up the bookstore. I got the rest of D's gifts, and a few books for me, including Wee Free Men, then we came here to watch the first two episodes of season 6 of Buffy -- Ben wanted to know how it was they brought her back. :)

I stayed up way too late just farting around on my computer, had some really weird dreams this morning, and now here I am. There are still dishes to be washed (ah yes, another of my Christmas gifts -- another set of dishes, plus two platters and four more little plates on top of that. I need never do dishes again!), some more laundry to be folded, and I could probably stand to put other things away.

I'm still paying the price for a crap-ass diet the last few days, which is just ever so much fun, but it's getting better. One thing I've learned? If you have a wicked cold at the same time that you have your period, your body will spare you on the cramps and headaches that you usually get. So... I'd have rather had the cramps and headaches, to be honest. :P Mind you, instead I got to enjoy the horny. Weird having a cold and being horny. :P

Tried to take a picture of my current David and Goliath wear, but this shirt is bigger than the others, so the letters stretch further, and it's harder to do. Ah well, no love for you today. :)

Ben and I have also made facetious plans to run away to another city. As the year goes on, we'll see what happens. At this point, if I didn't have a lease and knew I could transfer, I'd do it. See, I told him he wasn't allowed to leave 'cause he's one of the cool people, and all the cool people have to stay in my city until I decide to leave it, and then he said that him telling me was his way of getting me on board to join him. Ben is cool people. I feel the love. :)

2003/12/27

Ah, David and Goliath tees, how I love you so:

(Boobs not included)

The rumours of my death are only slightly exaggerated.

Bleagh. This cold sucks. It came on hard and fast, and is staying around longer than I like; which would be about five minutes, maybe.

And in the "lessons I've learned that I'm passing along to you" file, here's another one: a diet made up primarily of cold syrup and other cold medications for 2-3 days straight is not the best of ideas. :P

In the world of my Christmas, things weren't too bad. I got a few things that aren't really me, per se, but since it's been years since I've actually given my folks a list, I can't complain too much.

My big present has been the DVD/MP3/CD player from my folks. It's such a relief to be able to watch DVDs in my living room, on the super-comfy couch. :)

Today is going to be a combination of finishing some tidying up around here, and doing some shopping. I didn't really have anything I wanted to buy, plus I felt like ass and a half, so I didn't do any boxing day shopping. I've also been waiting to see what D and Ben got me (don't I sound greedy?) so that I didn't buy what they got me. :) Mainly I plan to take my Christmas money and buy a digital camera, and some DVDs -- Buffy season 5, Sex and the City season 5 at the end of the month, and Pirates of the Caribbean. D got me X-Men 2, so I don't need to get that. :)

Anyhow, seeing as how it's late and I'm still in need of a shower and whatnot, I'm off. More updates later -- especially since I have another new sponsor (Why!?), so I should probably provide some actual content and all that here. :)

2003/12/24

Urgh. Being sick sucks. I've managed to twice cough so much as to give myself a headache, I have very little appetite, and my chest hurts from the coughing.

As the day's gone on, I've felt somewhat better, actually; my chest doesn't feel as achy, and I'm able to move some of the gross around inside of me. I've also spent most of today lightly sweating for no reason and dozing off here and there, which is nice.

I was going to put away laundry and stuff today, but I just haven't felt like it. Hell, it's 3 in the afternoon and I haven't yet showered. I'm lovely to behold! :)

In good news, though, my package from David and Goliath arrived, so I now have a great deal of t-shirts from which to choose. The underwear and t-shirt set arrived with *huge* undies, so I don't know if I'll ever wear those, but... ah well. Maybe I'll put them on Paws, my teddy bear. :)

I also have to find a gift bag and stuff for the gifts for my trainer; I got her dog some toys, and I want to package it up nicely. :)

For now, I think I'm off. I'm moving into the homestead for a few days, and then I'll be back here sometime after the holidays. Have a great Christmas, everyone.

2003/12/22

Throughout the course of today, I managed to develop a chest cold. I'm not terribly impressed, especially as it seems to be acting right on my gag reflex, making me feel at times like I'm going to throw up.

I've eaten very little today, which is also fun. However, I also now have Wednesday off, so that's kinda nice.

I'm still not sure how I feel, but I'm getting better. PMS makes everything awful, and I hate it. *sigh*

Also, to someone who hopefully will recognize himself in this: I read between the lines and I understand and respect that.

To Ben: I'm hoping that we're still on for tomorrow. I'm going to bug you with email unless you call me. :)

For now, off to rescue the laundry and hit the sack.
Okay, so Saturday night proved to me that I can't drink when I'm in a bad mood -- I wind up in a half-decent mood before I even start. Therefore, alcohol solves all of my problems!

I'm hoping my package made it to the UPS office today, so I can get out and pick it up. Otherwise, I'm not sure I'll have time tomorrow, what with my gym appoinment and all. *sigh*

Urgh. Okay, I don't have time to actually write anything now, especially as I'm not entirely sure what I want to say... so I'll maybe write from work. The next few days are going to be a little more painful than usual; I'm filling in for my coworker, so I work 6:30-2:00, and I know I didn't get much sleep last night. And it's going to be even more dead than usual. *sigh* At least we have our work party tomorrow, so that should be kinda fun.

2003/12/20

So much shit in my head. I think I'm going to drink tonight just to shut it up.

I cried at the gym today.
What does sex smell like to you?

Or rather, when you say, "I smell sex," what do you smell?

What smells make you think of sex?

2003/12/18

I bet you thought I forgot about it, eh? Oh no! New chapter up. That's right, I'm still writing it!
I love the Internet. It allows me to spend way too much money at stories in the U.S. before the stores in the city even open, and all from the comfort of my workstation.

I'm in love with David and Goliath products, and I just bought a bunch of shirts and other things there. I also bought a bunch of stuff from the company yesterday (although at an actual store or two, not online), and I feel kinda bad for all the money I spent, but at the same time -- their stuff makes me giggle, and that's not a bad thing. So there.

For example: my new pencil case in the shape of boys' underwear that says, "Sometimes I like to run arund in my underroos for no reason." This makes me giggle when I look at it. :) As does the "Stupid Factory: Where Boys Are Made" magnet, and my notepaper that says, "Boys are stupid: throw rocks at them." :)

Anyhow, when I get the shirts in, look for photos of me wearing them appearing on this site. Maybe this process can start soon, since one of the things I bought yesterday was a shirt.

Ah, consumerism. But things that make me giggle and that decorate my mebicle (pronounced me-bickle, as in, "I work in a cubicle, but I've personalized it to be a mebicle." The second-person version of this is the youbicle, as in, "I went to see you at your youbicle, but you were in the washroom.") are good. Not enough giggling and laughing lately. :P

Okay, time for work. At 8:30 a.m. Have I mentioned I've been here an hour and a half already? *sigh*

I feel: insecure, confused, uncertain, jealous, stupid, useless, used, saddened, frustrated, and so on. But my underroos underroos make me smile.

2003/12/17

And in the news you don't often hear from me department, there is now one less piece of metal in my body.

Two needle-nosed pliers and a bit of self-trust, and there you have it, folks. I do *not* recommend that one to anyone else, though. :P

Further note to self: Stop being stupid and going to bed so late.
My trainer is really awesome. I forgot to mention this: on Tuesday, she snagged me a gym pack, which means that I now have a real, honest-to-goodness gym bag, a new t-shirt, a water bottle, and a hat.

Not that I wear hats; Ben saw me in a hat today and laughed at me. Of course, I was deliberately making it look even worse (not that that's difficult -- I can't wear hats), but it was good.

Lots of money was spent today, but retail therapy is always good, and it's a lot better than sitting around the house feeling like ass, which was my other option for the day.

Ben is awesome. :) We joked with the EB guys, and they abused us and we abused them, and we hit up various stores in the quest for mini-gifts.

Hrm. My neighbours are loud and some of them are stompy, which annoys me. :P Oh, wait -- it would appear that they're singing tonight. That's so much better. :P

Note to self: pay bills, make cookies, mail gifts, do laundry, do dishes. Urgh.

My coworker buddy and I might be taking a knitting course together. I learned today that D used to knit, and he's made scarves for people, and he was baking cookies today. Apparently he's just like my coworker's boyfriend -- as she puts it, a total soccer mom. I think I might steal her boyfriend. :P

Anyhow, time for bed. I finished my last Anita Blake book today, so I think I'll be starting Life of Pi soon, or something else equally lightweight. Hah.

As of an hour from now, only 7 days of Christmas rage remain. Although I'll likely be over the rage by the 23rd or so. Also, a happy birthday to Shawn tomorrow, and his party is on Saturday. Show love.

2003/12/16

So, you wanted an update, eh...?

(Be warned, this one's long enough to fix the problems with my site from before -- apparently I wasn't posting enough to keep my site properly set up.) :)

Friday night I met Ben downtown after my workout, and after some birthday gift shopping for Mark, we nabbed a bus out to his place and chatted over the roar of its engine.

One of the things I suggested – and he backed me up on this – is that once a month or so, everyone should get one day to be completely, totally honest without anyone taking offense. This would mean that on my honest day, I could walk up to any of my friends, tell them my grievances, my thoughts, feelings, whatever, and they don’t get to be upset with me.

Of course, this privilege extends in the other direction - it’s only fair. No hurt feelings, and no grudges, and people et to get things off their chests.

We both thought this sounded like a good idea, and are interested in starting it up. Of course, we can’t really do it successfully if we’re the only ones participating, so some people may find themselves roped in. :)

At his place, we watched some Buffy (his discs, shut up) and scarfed some pizza, and relaxed. I started passing out before midnight, like someone had turned a switch inside of me, so I stretched out on the couch at his invitation and crashed about two seconds later.

Somewhere just before 8 that morning, someone (a parental figure, I assume) came downstairs to get things out of the pantry. They noticed I was on the couch and turned off the lights and closed the door when they left, which I thought was quite nice. I didn’t want anyone to know I was awake, because then I’d have felt somewhat obligated to get up and be alert, and I still wanted to sleep. As I was lying there, I was thinking to myself, “Wow, I can see through my eyelids!” because I could see the reflection of the entertainment unit and the television across the room. Then I realized, “No, I can see because my eyes are open!” and then I closed them, so it wouldn’t be obvious I was awake. Sometimes, sleeping with your eyes open is a real nuisance. :P

Yes, I really do.

Ah well... it’s been a fairly quiet little while, although it’s getting a bit busier now. I’ve barely spent any time on the computer at home, and even at work I’ve had the odd thing to do here and there, and I just haven’t really felt like sitting and updating. I haven’t even known what to write, so that’s been a bit of a pisser, too.

There’s been some confusion and uncertainty going on in the personal life arena, and I haven’t really known what to do about it. Even now, I’m at a loss. Basically, once again I’m finding myself wanting to just run away to someplace where I know absolutely no one and start afresh, with a whole new host of problems and confusion.

I feel somewhat anxious today, and I’ve felt this way since I woke up this morning. I have no real explanation for it; it just is. I’m also pretty zonked and wishing I could just lie down and sleep, but that’s business as usual for me.

I’m finding that, like my idea at the top suggests, I’m starting to incorporate honesty a bit more often into my dealings with people lately. Maybe not 100%, and it’s not exactly honesty of the negative sort, but it’s things like admitting that I really wanted to follow someone and kiss them, or that the situation I’m in with someone else is guaranteed to make me feel my most insecure – and I’ve told both of these people these things, so if you haven’t heard it, quash your hopes. :)

I’ve also recently had it shown to me that alcohol is a fantastic thing – it truly does affect some people in interesting ways. I’ve known someone who tried to quiz me while I was drunk, which amused me at the time ‘cause I knew exactly what was going on. After all, alcohol is also known as truth serum for some people, and there’s a small part of me that kinda hopes it’s true in some cases. I don’t think many people lie while drunk, or at least not lies that have to do with things like, “No really officer, I just had a sip of my boyfriend’s drink” or “No honey, I didn’t hire that woman in my car to have sex with me.” Of course, it’s also entertaining when the person doesn’t remember what it was they said to you... making me both more and less certain that what was said was the truth.

D arrived in town late Sunday night, and we got together yesterday after work. We headed over to his parents’ place for dinner, and I found his dad much more entertaining and much less scary this time around, and I don’t know why. I think I have some newfound confidence from living on my own and working a real, grown-up job or something. I was much more amused by all the bluster – especially when he specifically said to D that he was trying to find my hot buttons (and by attacking the people that my job deals with, well, that ain’t anywhere near it, and I said as much) – and even during dinner when he talked about putting his big man foot down and how his wife should listen, and a bunch of other crap that just made me laugh.

After dinner, D and I watched American Beauty, which I hadn’t seen since about the time it first came out in video, and I’m not sure. Movies like that, especially lately, just make me kinda roll my eyes. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a good movie, but ... I don’t know, some of it felt kinda forced or weird or something.

Just had a long talk with one of my coworkers about job stuff and boys and whatnot. It’s tough sometimes trying to explain my current situation to other people, especially as I totally don’t understand it myself. Well, I understand it, but... I don’t know. I have so much shit in my head that I have to get straightened out, and so much baggage from the bad relationships I’ve had, or even just the ones that have ended poorly, that I sometimes don’t even know where to begin. And as great as they may be, some of my friends simply don’t help – it’s very tough trying to work out your own shit and insecurities when someone else is handing you theirs to deal with.

I just really wish that for once in my life, one of the relationships that I get into would just work for all of the right reasons. Maybe I need to start dating people who come from more of my background, or who are closer to my age, or whatever, but at the same time, that totally doesn’t help me deal with what it is I’m feeling and experiencing now. And sometimes I don’t even know what that is.

Those of you who’ve read this blog from the beginning, or who were around when it first started, may remember my adventures/absolute mishaps with the one I called The Ex-. Now, The Ex- and I haven’t had any contact in ages, aside from when I used to occasionally send him links that I thought might interest him, but the space and the time and the distance and the occasional other good relationship where what helped me get over him. However, it left me with a lot of bruises and uncertainties, and real big issues when it comes to me feeling as if someone is using me. This is why I can’t really get it going with casual, no-strings attached sex with a stranger – I never want to feel like someone is just using me because I happen to be an available cunt, or because I’m not totally ugly to them. I need to feel as if someone cares about who I am, and likes who I am (yeah, the liking helps) – a “Jen’s cool/smart/funny/nice/interesting/cute and I’d like to be close to her” and not “Jen has boobs and a pulse.”

The Ex- and I dated long-distance the second time around, for a little over two years. Things started to disintegrate after about a year and a half, when he told me he wanted to see other people. We kept dating through the summer, then kinda not really split up and were kinda not really together and apart for quite some time after that – I don’t remember all the details, I’d have to go back and read journals to refresh my memory properly. After we broke up for good, we both started seeing other people, and yet he’d still keep trying to cyber me, or have me talk dirty to him while he got off, or he’d come home for visits and try to sleep with me. Because I was emotionally fucked up over him and kept hoping that maybe, if we spent time together, he’d remember how good it was and want to be with me again, I let it happen. I never slept with him, because I knew that that would just screw me up something wicked-fierce, but in the end, I was still pretty fucked up over it, and it took me a long time to really recover.

J was the next heartbreak that I had to deal with, but it was my shit and not his. I held onto a lot of hopes for a long time, and that was again, my shit. Basically, he was the first really great guy that I’d dated for awhile, someone that I saw myself being really happy with, and so I was pretty disappointed when it ended (hah, again for those of you who’ve been reading this for awhile, you’ll understand the understatement of that comment). Again, it was time and distance that helped to heal things there; even when I felt secure and better, I still had a hard time talking to him or even looking at him when we were together in person. This summer was really the first time I was able to talk and deal with him and not feel like a total loser. Since then, I’ve seen him on a few occasions and things have been pretty much comfortable. I still seem to pay a bit more attention when his name comes up in conversation, or I feel some sympathies to him because in some ways I understand things that others might not, but that’s just ‘cause I dated the guy and don’t think that connection that I have to him is going to ever really go away.

After J I dated Mark, Ben’s younger brother. Mark was the first guy I’d been friends with first in awhile, and while we decided to start things off casually, it progressed into an actual relationship after a little while. Things between us were good, and I liked the feeling of belonging and acceptance that I had from his family (although parents generally like me), and our time together. I still think fondly of Mark, and we’ve started talking a bit more often and spending time together once in awhile, and various feelings or whatnot that I’m acknowledging have led me to realize that sometimes I’m damn good at hiding stuff from myself, or even denying my feelings.

Which brings me to D. As some of you may know, I’m only really hitting the highlights (with one lowlight) in this little (okay, huge) brain vomitage, since I haven’t talked about my “relationship” with the pizza guy or the “fiasco” (“air quotes”) with the coworker. Time with D has encompassed both, to be honest. The relationship aspect of it is generally good, with some occasional moments of immaturity/stupidity on both of our parts (a lot of the stupidity is insecurity for me), but it’s been the post-stuff that’s been confusing, hurtful at times, difficult, and brings back bad memories of my time with The Ex-. My coworker friend thinks I need to just walk away, and get my shit together from a solo perspective, and spend time with good people, but I don’t know if I’m that strong. I have elements of The Ex- and the J relationships filtering back through here: “Oh, if he just sees how great we are/I am/how other girls just aren’t the same (totally not my belief, but I can dream), then maybe...”

But I don’t even know what that maybe should be. Sometimes when I’ve felt really bad about things, I’ve just wanted to go out to the bars for several nights in succession and just hook up with random people. But I don’t know if I’d respect myself after that. Instead, I just try to gather sympathies and attention from various safe friends, who won’t threaten my little existence, although even that’s starting to change – and again, I don’t know what I want to do about that.

I feel anxious still, and weird, and uncertain, and I still don’t know why. I feel like there’s some big heart-wrenching talk on the horizon, but I don’t know what it would be over. Things with D are much like they were with The Ex-; “don’t ask/don’t tell/do whoever you want but I don’t have to like it” ridiculousness stupidity... and sometimes I’m really scared of being dragged back down to where I ended up then, with the insecurity and the jealousy and the hating.

But I’m different now, much as it may not feel that way at times. I know that I’m usually dealing with things differently than I did then, and either I feel differently about D than I did about The Ex-, or I’m just better at dealing, or I’m really really good at denying things to myself, but I’m not in that pit that I was in back then. I’m more self-aware, and I’m doing my absolute best to stop myself from getting there. I like to think that if I feel myself getting close to that pit, that I’ll walk away, but I can’t say that for sure.

I guess what it boils down to is like what he said once; for a relationship that was really only maybe five months in length, it’s not a good idea to make whatever changes or sacrifices it would take to continue things. Of course, what my brain interprets this as is, “You’re not good enough/worth enough for those sacrifices, no matter how many times I may tell you I love you/I want to be with you/I think about you all the time.” In a sense to me, things have lasted longer than five months because of whatever else you would call what’s been happening between us since September. But... that’s my perspective, and when it comes to me and my relationships, it’s usually flawed.

When it comes to other people or their relationships, it’s often bang-on, oddly enough. Maybe the Bald Guy was right when he said that he didn’t see me ever getting married, just having partnerships. The irony of the way people perceive me is this: people see me as always chasing boys, or sleeping with the world, or living the swinging single lifestyle (or something), or even picking up people through my self-confidence and all that other crap. In reality, I desperately want to be in a secure relationship with someone, living with them and looking after each other, married and all the rest that that encompasses. I’m 23 years old, and I’m tired of dating assholes, I’m tired of dating temporary boys, I’m tired of dating Mr. Okay for Now instead of Mr. Right. A few times in my life I thought I’d found Mr. Right, and at least once I’m really glad I’m mistaken; I shouldn’t have to compromise myself, or at least not drastically, in order to make a relationship with someone work.

In the meantime, I just life day-to-day and hope that maybe I’ll meet someone right. Or maybe, things might work out right for me. It seems pretty unlikely, but I figure there has to be a payoff for me at some point, right?
It's things like this that make me fear religious people.

2003/12/10

I would like to crawl into a warm little hole somewhere and sleep until my life makes sense.

2003/12/09

Bear in mind, you can't have him 'cause he's all mine, but...






My compatibility with him:
physical: 100%
emotional: 97%
intellectual: 50%
total: 82%

Hold me back!

2003/12/08

He said he loved me while he was inside of me.
I didn't want to hear it.
I didn't want it to be about love for him,
Like it wasn't for me.
I wanted it to be about sex.
I wanted it to be about passion.
I wanted to forget.
I wanted to be away.
I wanted to be able to forget myself.
And him
And just feel.
He said he loved me while he was inside of me.
But he didn't,
Not really.
If he loved me, would he have tried so hard
To hurt me?
Would he have treated me the way he did?
I don't think so.
At least, I hope not.
Standing there, against the couch.
He said he loved me while he was inside of me.
Maybe once, it was about the passion.
Maybe once, it was about the sex.
But I never got to forget.
It never was about the sex.
It never was about the passion.
Instead, it was about him hurting me.
It was about him trying to make me something I wasn't.
It was about me trying to forget him.
Because he never loved me, not even when he was inside of me.
And that was the way I wanted it.
That was the way I wanted him.
But even that was short-lived.
All the love in my life is short-lived.

2003/12/07

I got my hair cut the other day. From now on, this is how I will be styling it:

Yay for bikinis, hot tubs (lots of groping action), and something else I've now forgotten. Maybe it's just the hot tubs and the groping action.

No, wait, sexual tension, too. That's always fun.

2003/12/06

Badgers. You saw them and loved them in their own show, now see them in someone else's: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. All badger scenes fully restored.

2003/12/04

Oooh... new favourite word: Diamondiferous.

As in, "The joint venture with Rio Tinto, majority owners of the Diavik mine, contains a large, highly diamondiferous kimberlite that has yet to be graded, he added."

I learn things from working with the aboriginal news. Or so it would seem. :)

2003/12/03

Important:


* SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST *

IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR NIPPLES, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR NIPPLES. THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR NIPPLES.


You've all been warned now.
In ten minutes' time I get to meet with my boss and figure out where my government career is going to go. I'm not too sure what to expect, whether I'll be handed a list of options and told to pick, or asked what I want to do, or what. Either way, 'cause it's new and it's my boss and I have a built-in fear of bosses, I'm nervous. :)

However, I'm slowly digging myself a little niche in here. I have one of my coworkers making what she calls "Jen faces" on occasion, I've been the one co-ordinating our Christmas party for the sub-directorate, and I'm allowing my sense of humour to show through a bit. :) I don't kid myself that I'm invaluable or irreplaceable, but I think people are starting to like me. :) I know that I've been involved in a number of conversations where I think I impressed people with my knowledge/sense of humour, at the very least. Points for me. :)

Big A and I saw Rufus Wainwright last night, and aside from my aching feet and the stupid tall people, it was a good time. I started out at a bit of a disadvantage, wearing sight heels and having done a fair bit of lower body in my workout with my trainer (not that that's up to me to choose, of course). I can still feel it in my thighs today, and I don't know if it's the workout, the standing around, or if I didn't stretch properly, or a combination. Whatever it is, it's a weird nice/pain feeling.

I'm still plowing through the Anita Blake books -- I'm near the end of book five tonight, and I have every intention of finishing it. Thankfully there are still a few more to go -- I think two or three in my possession, and another two or so I still have yet to purchase. This is quite the addiction. :)

Plans are in the works to meet a few of my emode penpals next week. The few people I've been talking to regularly seem like decent guys, but if I don't post here after I say I'm meeting 'em, well... maybe someone that loves me will notice my absence. :)

My brain has just drawn a blank and it's time for me to be off, anyhow. I'll try to write more later, if I can think of more inanities to post. :)

2003/12/02

Is it a bad sign when the only thing to drink in your fridge is alcohol?

I promise, it's 'cause I have to wash out the juice container and make more juice, and I haven't bought milk yet!
Okay, I screwed up. Simple Plan is playing Friday, December 19th. I still intend to go, so all of you Simple Plan haters can just *thpthptht*.

Oh yeah, I said it. And I'll even say it again: Shut it. :)

*pout*

I don't mock *your* crappy music tastes... :)

Hey, maybe I can pick up one of the members of the band? Hrm.... A little Christmas present for me? Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy... OH!
Anyone want to see Simple Plan with me Friday night?

2003/12/01

Wow... one of the IP addresses for people who've hit Whore's Boudoir is furious.pixar.com -- could this be what I think it is? :)
*sigh*