I suspect -- know? -- this doesn't mean the same to you as it does to me. At some points, that's devastating; at others, I'm okay. I don't know how this will all pan out, but I suspect I'll get hurt. Seems to be my lot in life.

What is it that draws me to inappropriate or unattainable guys? I suspect if I answer that question, well... I don't know. I'll solve my life or something.

I was telling my parents about a regular at the Newf's bar who was possibly hitting on me some time ago (just after New Year's, if you want a better date). The guy's nice, but in a rough place in his life -- regardless of that, he's not my type for a multitude of reasons. Anyhow, as I told my mom about this, she asked me when I was going to be bringing him home.

Yeah, my mom's wonderfully supportive, isn't she? *sigh* It's crap like this that keeps me telling people that I'm not confident, I am insecure -- these digs can and do find their ways in, and they can hurt.

But enough whining. In some ways, my life greatly amuses me; like the fact that there's a bottle of lube in my kitchen, a vibrator in my shower, and a green plastic box almost empty of condoms in my bedroom nighttable. All of this is awesome, but I was mainly amused by the bottle of lube in the kitchen. I need to remember to put that away soon, or people won't be able to trust my cooking.

I had book club last night, and we talked about "Everyone in Silico," by Jim Munroe. Interesting book, though it's a bit of rehashed story; future society, everything's technological, minds/spirits removed from bodies to live in a glorified world, people working to overthrow the system, advertising everywhere, coolhunting, etc... For whatever reason, when I was at the restaurant with the rest of the book club women who'd shown up, I didn't really want to discuss it. I felt like if I'd wanted to, I'd have dominated the conversation, since it dealt with issues that are integral to my degree(s), but I was more interested in simply listening to what the others had to say, I guess. I know N, who chose it, had said she had thought of me while she was reading it because of the communications aspects to it. I think part of why I didn't want to talk about it too much was because I was dissatisfied with the ending, and frustrated with some of the book... maybe another read through will change my opinion on it, but for now, for some reason, I just feel unsettled by it, for lack of a better word. If anyone's read it, I'd be interested in hearing their thoughts on it, absolutely.

We ate at a Sri Lankan restaurant that was quite tasty, and I very much enjoyed my chicken buryani, but I didn't much like the naan bread; I like Indian naan better. I'd certainly go back or recommend it to anyone who enjoys Indian and/or Thai food, although our service was quite slow.

Post bookclub, several of us went back to Greg and Madeleine's place to socialize. After S and N departed, the conversation somehow turned to one of our friends with whom we've had some recent drama, and the ways in which some of us have been dealing with it. Greg and I wound up dominating the discussion and going back and forth, and my only concern with the conversation stemmed from the fact that I feel I came off quite cold about friendship. What I was trying to explain was how yes, in these particular circumstances, I am somewhat of a bitch... but I also wanted to explain why I felt the way I did, so as to perhaps not come off as a bitch. Seems to be my lot in life, depending on the circumstances -- I know that some of the more sensitive boys I've dated have perhaps thought of me as being rather cold and/or callous, and I know that there are a few I could name (but won't; you know who you are), who, because I don't show my emotions the way they want/are used to/do themselves, assume that I don't have any, or don't feel as strongly as they do about things.

In a few of the latest rounds of socializing, my male friend N and I have gone on walks or sat alone for awhile to discuss life issues, and what I hadn't realized was some of the commonalities he and I share in terms of how we react to people. Both of us are guilty of heavily overanalyzing things, and looking for the layers of meaning in that which people say or do. I'm not sure that people realize this or are sensitive to it all the time; as much as I strive to be direct in my words or actions, sometimes there are layers to them, and I do assume that everyone else acts accordingly. I think that's why it can hurt so much when I'm being straight with someone and they aren't being the same way in return. I'd rather have the bad news, the straight story than have someone lie to protect my feelings; I'm a big girl and can cope.

Boy, this is quite the disjointed brain-dump. I had other parts I was going to throw in, but I think this is enough for now. I'll just leave you with one more story:

I really love my friends. Case in point -- and bear with me, 'cause this one's a bit long-winded (like all of my stories): Stefan and I went for dinner. On the way to the restaurant, I was talking about various woes of mine, and mentioned that a particular someone has complained that I'm too tight for him, that he's fooled around with virgins who aren't as tight. I'm not bragging; if anything, I find it absurd, but I'm just repeating what has been said on many occasions.

On the walk home, I was saying I wanted a penis, and talking about the things I would do if I had one. Stefan said I'd need a few days with one, because it's no fun to masturbate, get head, get a handjob and have sex all in the same day.

He then said he wanted a vagina, and referred to it as a flesh purse. I hit him for that one, then mentioned how I was grossed out by the women that did things like that -- there are at least two videos I've seen screencaps of on youporn.com of women with full-sized ipods in their girl parts. Stefan thought this was a great idea, and I said that I'd also seen pictures of women with pint-glasses full of beer in their girl parts. Stefan said that you'd always know where your beer was, and I said that you'd have to be quite flexible in order to drink it. I then said I wouldn't be able to accommodate an ipod, that I'd be limited to a few pens or a big marker -- to which Stefan replied that I'd make a bad upside-down kangaroo.

For whatever reason, that struck me as absolutely hilarious, and so I'm sharing it with you, fully realizing that it's nowhere near as funny second-hand, written from my poor memory, and committed to text. But I tried, and now I know; I'd make a bad upside-down kangaroo.


Jamie said...

Like, regular iPod? iPod Shuffle? iPod Mini?

"...it's no fun to masturbate, get head, get a handjob and have sex all in the same day." -- He's lying. :)

On a more serious note, I do think (from reading what you write, since I don't see you all that much) that you tend to overanalyze and overthink things (myself included.) I think that's a trait common to many writerly types, although whether it's a symptom or a cause I couldn't say. And if you're anything like me, the times you manage not to overanalyze are the worst possible times, and you wind up regretting it and being more likely to overanalyze in the future.

That being said, I don't think it's as much of a problem as you make it out to be. You seem to get a lot of good information out of your analyses.

Anonymous said...

Are you certain you're right in your assumption there?

Jen said...

It was a full-sized ipod. It looked quite uncomfortable, but what do I know?

I do tend to overanalyze and overthink... I think I can blame it on being a Virgo. :) But at the same time, I agree, I do think I benefit from it -- it seems to help me in understanding others, at least.

And yes, I do think I'm right in my assumption. If I had a better handle on what I want, I could spell it out and find out that my assumptions are 100% correct -- but who needs that hurt?

FunkyM said...

I think a lot of people are attracted to what they think they can't have. It doesn't necessarily apply only to people either, but also stuff like movies, games, etc. This leads me to wonder if we aren't slightly objectifying people when we do that.