It's funny that it's the little things that people say that can mean the most. I've heard a few of them lately, but it's been the simplest one that's meant the most; two different people have called me a writer.

It always makes me pause and want to argue it when people say it, because I don't consider myself a writer, even though that's really what I do the most of lately (well, that or possibly bitch about how I'm not getting any. ;)). A number of people have asked me if I plan to do anything commercially-oriented with my writing -- submitting it to a school newspaper or something of the sort. It's definitely a thought that has more weight to it than before, I think.

I got back my second women and media paper yesterday, got an 85 on it. Not bad, not as good as the last one (or as good as my gf's), but I wasn't especially concerned about it. I put less opinion and less me into this one, so perhaps that's what stuck me this time around. She read over mine and laughed a number of times, even suggested I post it online for everyone else to enjoy. My concern with doing so is that someone else might co-opt my thoughts/ideas/turns of phrases for use in their own submissions. I suppose I should give some thought to that with my articles or whatnot, but I doubt too many profs are asking for a 700-word treatise on condoms, so I figure that's pretty safe to offer up.

I think guys are improving as I age, even the young ones. Either that or I'm finally being exposed to a better class of people, but there are definitely some quality ones out there, and I'm really glad I know them. I feel they're improving me and I just hope I'm contributing something, however minor, in a positive manner to their lives as well. I hope for really good things for these people. Other people, well... they have to make their own paths. Some of them have had so many opportunities handed to them, it seems unfair for those of us who've had to work for things. :P

The snow is melting today, and the sun is shining brightly, so this is making me happy. The gloomy days can be fun to observe, but I'm learning that I'm not especially fond of driving in the snow. The advantage is that the non-power steering of the car turns much more easily, but I can't drive as fast as I like to, and even at 30 km/h or lower, there are skidding problems. Once that car becomes mine, it's getting snow tires in the winter; none of these all-weather tires bullshit.

Anyhow, I have to start getting ready for the day. After pulling 2500 words out of my assorted body parts for a school paper due today, it seems all of the bottled-up ones are finally able to spill forth. Either that or I'm simply much more adept at casual writing than formal responses to readings. Mind you, that may also have something to do with me not having really read all the material or even totally understanding it. But hey, if I get another B on this paper and the one due next week (argh!) and even manage to do well on the exam... I'm treating myself to a serious weekend of depravities and such. Since my first possible weekend off is immediately after the paper and there are already mad plans semi-in the works, this may work out very well. Heheh. :)

Okay, I'm gone. There will be more later, I'm sure. I'm feeling wordy today. :)

Lord almighty... the bet is down to me and the youngster. Yeesh.

I gotta outlast him... otherwise I just *know* the ribbing I'll get. Argh!

I'm giving him my Victoria's Secret catalogue tomorrow, see if that helps. ;)

I have to win! But I have to lose soon... otherwise I may never get a good night's sleep. Argh.

Tallies as they stand, since some of us started at different times:
Contestant #1: Started Monday, November 11th, removed himself Saturday, November 16th: Total, 6 days.
Contestant #2: Started Monday, November 11th, 'was removed' (*snort*) Sunday, November 17th...: Total, 7 days.
Contestant #3: Started Thursday, November 14th, has yet to be persuaded to lose. Total: 6 days and counting.
Contestant #4: Started Monday, Novembre 11th, has yet to persuade someone else to lose, and is not giving up. Total: 9 days and counting.

Having a sleepy, warm, snoring cat on your lap makes it difficult to get any writing done. At least she's not lying on my arms this time. Urgh. :)

I've got the first 500 words written. Enjoying Violent Femmes on the player; haven't listened to this for awhile.

Wrote some email venting/explaining things, felt better afterwards, even though it won't get opened until later, and I'd kinda like someone around to talk to now. Life is stupid.

Maybe I'll make some phone calls before it gets really late. I can never seem to remember Ben's phone number, no matter how many times I dial it. Weird. :)

The sky is the purpley-orange that it gets in the wintertime when there's going to be a major snowfall. The buildings on my street look crisp and clean against the sky; maybe that's just that my glasses are the right prescription for now.

I'm so tired of the stresses and the frustrations and the confusion that's around.

New article posted on Whore's Boudoir. Today's was a bit more pensive than some of them, but I'm feeling pensive today.

Actually, I think that's just exhausted; I discovered a fair bit of what I'd written at school was crap or nonsense... or both. Urgh.

Gonna check out the bloopers on my Young Frankenstein DVD, which I acquired today along with The Princess Bride, and then I'm off to bed. Apparently H has a great deal to tell me tomorrow, and lord knows I've got a whole crapload of stuff to tell D, whom I haven't seen in about two weeks. It's tempting to skip classes and work tomorrow to work on the damn paper for Theories, but I can't. Well, I can, but I shouldn't. :P Damn morals! :)

I hate Christmas.

Okay, not quite true. I hate the people in the shopping malls who've decided that putting up decorations for Christmas before Hallowe'en, is a good idea. I hate the people who decided that playing Christmas music today was a good idea!

Argh.

What else? I had the singing bus driver on the way to work yesterday, so that put a big grin on my face, even though the weather was poo and I was nearly late to work. :P

Today has been okay... I fell asleep in class, then tuned back into the conversation in time to hear the prof talking about how branding sells us hope and companies/corporations are selling hope to us as consumers through branding. Keeping in mind, this is the same prof that has sworn multiple times in class -- had in fact, said "fuck" about five minutes before I asked this question -- and used vast amounts of colloquial language, and I know him from work as well as school. So, I hear this and stick up my hand and ask, "How are we supposed to feel/react (I don't remember my exact words) when corporations are selling us hope on the one hand, and are bending us over and screwing us on the other?"

I didn't think it was that offensive, and neither did he, since he promptly responded and we went back and forth on it for a minute or two (badchoice of words when coupled *groan* with... never mind, I give up), but apparently vast numbers of people behind me were simply stunned by my word choice. Sheesh. Puritans. ;) Lord knows I've said worse in that and other classes before, but maybe it was that I went from asleep to awake and asking that that upset them. :)

Nonetheless... Friday was fun, as I said. Saturday I went over to Ben's place after work and we kinda watched Hackers. I say kinda 'cause him and the youngster talked throughout it, so there was much movie that got missed. And I was tired, so I wasn't paying terribly close attention. Ben fell asleep somewhere after the flick, like 2 or so, then the youngster and his friends and I played GTA3: Vice City until about 5 in the morning, when it was time for bed. Okay, seriously past time for bed, but... ah well. Youngster's friend was asking me for a lift home, or hoping to mooch one, but as it was way too late and I was exhausted and the roads were shit and I have less than a great deal of experience driving in those conditions, I said no. He probably thinks poorly of me, since I didn't spell it out very well, but I'm still too tired to be overly concerned.

Woke up around 9, couldn't get back to sleep. Sunday wasn't too painful in spite of the lack of rest, but... urgh. I love seeing Ben's family dynamics; they're just really awesome together, at least the three brothers. I don't know his folks very well, and I've never met his older sister, but the three of them together are fun. Well, if you ignore the farting and the beating each other up and throwing food at one another and showing off the food they're eating and such, but I'm assuming that's part of being male. Which is why I'm only having girl babies. The boys will be sold into slavery.

Yay... I either am just not getting enough sleep, period (which is true), or I've reached that point where I start sleeping poorly and wondering why it's happening.

Didn't expect it to occur so soon, but... ah well. I'm still gonna win. :P :)

I've got my subject for tomorrow's column picked out, just gotta figure out how I'm going to develop it.

Also gotta get my ass in gear and get moving on some things, like paying bills and getting my pills. Hopefully being back on drugs will mean slightly fewer headaches, but somehow I doubt it.

I hate mornings. My alarm went off this morning, and I was all like, "What the hell did I set that for? What day of the week is it? I don't have to get up!" But then I remembered that I did and I was sad.

And I'm all sore and twisty. And whiny! Lots of whiny. :)

Gotta start working on my paper for Wednesday, or at least the reading for it, since I've done, oh, *none* of it. Fuck, I suck. Hugely. Monstrously.

I'm getting together with the crew tonight to catch the Leonid shower. I'm looking forward to it. I have great associations from the last time I saw a meteor shower, although it was hard to see because of clouds and city lights. But it was a beautiful summer evening and there was outdoor sex involved. That's not how tonight is going to go, but I'm still looking forward to it nonetheless. :)

Anyhow, time to get moving. There is much to say, but it's not making it up here for a bit... it's just been an interesting week, and not just in my life. I'm curious as to what's happened for a few people the last day or so.

And with that cryptic comment, I'll go dry my hair and have breakfast. :)

Contestant number one has removed himself from the competition!

There remains me, and two others.

I will win!

And the article, she is up. It's technically not Saturday yet, 'cause I haven't been to bed. On some level, it's still Friday, and it's not late.

No, really. ;)

The account of the bet: Mastering My Domain. ;)

Ben is evil, and bad for my sanity.

Ben is like my girlfriend D; they are both trying to convince me to do things that are bad.

Urgh.

I'm still gonna win, though. ;)

In other news, saw Harry Potter 2 today. I have my thoughts on the film, but I'll hang onto them for a bit, until a few more people have seen it and I can debate.

Bought six books today. Urgh. Today was an expensive day, but a fun one. Definitely had a blast hanging out with Ben. :) A line from tonight: "You must be of this size for Jen to ride." ;)

Gonna go write my article now... it's the first one to be late, but it's Ben's fault. ;) He called me when I was on the bus home and asked if I wanted to do dinner, which turned into a movie, which turned into me getting home just now. I think the Nickel's was a bad idea... or maybe it was just the company of the drunks on the bus ride home.

Also working on a checklist of things to do/places to do it in after this whole bet thing ends. Ben and I brainstormed some good locations between us... now if only the weather would cooperate. ;)

Okay, off to write an article. As always, a note will appear here when it's done. :)

Damn hormones.

Damn men.

Damnit, I'm still gonna win.

And now, right on schedule, a freak out about my paper:

This thing sucks. It's no good, it's just crappy paragraphs strung together to meet a requirement, and I'm going to be so not satisfied with it. But it'll get done... I hope. Argh. Stop being distracted!

I suck, I'm not smart, I'm tired and stressed and I still have a few billion of these damn things to churn out. Argh!

Thank you, that has been a freak out about my paper. We now return you to your regularly scheduled whining about how I'm not getting laid or whatever.

I have a secret.

It's all mine, and I hug it closely to my chest.

I've only willingly shared it with two people. I've been asked about it by two other people, and I told them the truth.

I don't know why I don't share it more often.

That's not true, I do know why. I no longer worry so much about how my friends would react towards me, should they find out; but I do worry how they'd react overrall.

I can think of a few friends that might go after someone with torches and a pitchfork... even though I haven't had anything to do with this person in years.

Part of me wants to just lay it out here, and deal with the consequences that way. The other part of me is just too damn chickenshit. If I open myself up like that, I have nothing left that's private, that's just mine.

I don't regret being the way I am; it's my choice, I know. But this also means that there are little secrets I can give to other people that they can hold on to for me.

Anyhow... I envy some people how open they can be about the crap that's gone on in their lives. I tend to put it behind me as best I can, although I never forget it. Stupid things I've said, stupid things I've done, people I've hurt... I remember it all. Dammit.

And, rather than write essays, I worked on my novel. Chapters 3 and 4 are now up on the My Novel page, for those who might be interested.

Jay and I took this quiz on TLC.com.


You Scored: 120 out of 200 (both of us, actually)
Now rate yourself on our "prude" scale:

170-200 points
You're the Pope ... or in total denial about your sexuality.

135-165 points
You're constantly battling the demons within to control your lustful nature.

100-130 points
Face the facts, you're a sex maniac.

I want to write, but I don't know what to say. I don't know if I have anything of value to say.

I appreciate the fact that people read this site... I just don't necessarily know why. I mean, half of my friends don't seem to, but yet, strangers do. Why?

I've been told I'm a good writer, and I appreciate that. My mom told me, back when I was picking my major, three and a half years ago, that she always saw me doing something with my writing.

Well, the last little while has shown me that I can write on a regular basis, and I can even keep up something on a regular schedule. I'm proud of that. I'm just uncertain about it actually being worth anything to anyone other than a select few.

I want to get through the next few hurdles and just be onwards and upwards. There will be a lot of interesting developments over the next little while, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with them; hell, I'm not even sure how to think of them.

I need to get past this procrastination thing. Stop spending time on the phone, stop screwing around on Trillian, stop focusing on things other than school. It's just... school isn't always fascinating. It's funny; when you're in elementary school and high school, being bored with your classes sometimes acts to show that you're gifted. In my experience, it also shows that you're taking a boring course. Case in point? Theories of Communications. So not riveting, and yet, I have to take it. Frig. That's one thing I like about writing; the only restrictions that I have are the ones I've put on myself. Here, well... restrictions are popping up now. So much that I've learned over the last while can't go anywhere, and it means a lot to me that people are willing to entrust me with that knowledge, especially considering my openness in all/most regards. On Whore's Boudoir, the only restrictions are the ones I've put on myself: that my columns average between 700 and 750 words, that they be about something related to relationships and/or sex, and that they appear on Tuesdays and Fridays. But that's all fluid, and those are just rules I put on myself.

I think I'm going to scrap what I have of My Novel and start over. I haven't anything close to a plot or outline; I'll just take it how I want. Maybe I'll just turn it into a porn novel, have my characters have tonnes of hot sex and nothing else. :)

I'm so frustrated with everything right now.

Today marks one year since I last saw Chloe.

Bit of a weird dream last night... seemed that an ex-boyfriend was trying to convince me to make another go of a relationship together. It wasn't totally spelled out that way, but it seemed that way. Dreams for me are never prophetic, though, so I'm not really giving it any thought.

Urgh. I'm so tired of me being me. I'm a total procrastinator, and I can't seem to change it. I stayed up late last night talking to the -ens, but one of them needed an ear to bend, and I try to always be there whenever someone needs that.

Spent a couple of hours on the phone last night, which also meant that I wasn't writing, but I have tonight and all day Thursday... got some reading done, so I feel somewhat mollified.

The ex- got somewhat sulky at me last Sunday for not saying happy birthday to him on his birthday. I have it written on a calendar, and I remembered it as it was coming up, but in total honesty, I forgot it completely on the date. Am I wrong, here? I mean, we don't talk very often, and I haven't seen him in months... I guess I'd call us friends because how else would you define it, but how upset does he have a right to get? Urgh. Guys suck. :P

Mind you, other people's exes take them out to dinner for their birthday, so maybe it's me that sucks. Naw.... ;)

And on the subject of birthdays... Happy Birthday J. :)

My head's in a bunch of weird places. I think I need that lobotomy.

Okay, to clarify:

The poll I'm asking everyone to take is, "Should I go up against my chosen victim in a "Master of your domain" bet?"

Master of your domain: A Seinfeld reference for going without masturbating for a period of time.

So far, I have one other contender in this bet... of course, he's cheated 'cause he's recently gotten some. ;)

Anyhow, once the terms of the bet are finalized, I will reveal the participants (if they so allow), and keep a little poll going so you can vote on your favourite contender. Since this is my site, I expect to see lots of votes for me. ;)

So, updates soon. :)

And a new article goes up, Ex Relations. This one is more in the relationship vein; I figure what with the number of sex articles I've been posting, I should balance it off with one from the other side of the coin. :) I'm also debating changing the name of the site to "The Drunken Whore," but I'm not sure. I wish I knew enough HTML to make it the way I want, but I'm also terrible at graphic design, so... I guess it's best to either go with what Blogger gives me, or wait for someone to design something for me. :)

Next few days might not see much in the way of content here, unless it's of the "holy fuck do I have a lot to write" variety. :) Here's the next few papers:

November 14th, 7-8 page paper for Greek Mythology. Have I picked a subject? No.
November 20th, 2500-word reading log for Theories of Communications. Have I started the readings? No.
November 20th, 2000-word essay for Public Relations. Got an extension on the date. Picked a subject, too!
November 26th, poster session for Audience Research. 'Cause this is fucking important, too. Arse.
November 27th, 3500-word essay for Theories of Communications. Urgh.
November 29th, 5-page synthesis paper for the final section of Women and Media. Didn't I just finish one of these? Yeah. Arse.

And that's just off the top of my head; I may have the dates wrong. And that doesn't include the crap I have to turn in in December, too. Arse.

I think that's my new favourite word for this stuff: arse, arse, arse, arse, arse.

And of course, that doesn't include the online stuff (haven't started, waiting for a good weekend), and the regular articles and such I'm trying to churn out. Arse. The problem is, I feel like the first condoms article was the best one I've written so far, and I keep trying to top it, or at least match it. Urgh. Ah well. Keep reading, and thanks for doing so. :)

*grin* Oh yes, and if my challenger can come up with a suitable offer for the likely event (yes, I said likely event) of me winning a bet we're tossing around, then that aspect of life might get very interesting, or very twitchy. I finally found someone dumb^H^H^H^Hbrave enough to take me on in a Master of Your Domain bet. ;) Details to follow, if he doesn't kill me for posting this. ;)

On that subject, take a poll in the comments section! Should I, or shouldn't I? ;)

Votes should be: Yes, No, or "Hell yes, I'll join you!" :)

Ah, life is funny. Someone else at work has sorta renewed his clandestine sex offer (and this is someone other than L); only problem is that this guy "has a girl." So, he just said it was "interesting" that I was between guys at the moment.

Sheesh. When it rains, it pours. Too bad it's not the clouds I want that are raining. Or something like that. ;)

Good chats with J from work, my coworker. I always enjoy talking to him; he's one of the few adults (i.e., people that are >10 years older than me) that I can talk to the same way I talk to my friends, and I really appreciate it.

Chatted with Vicki last night for a bit, and let her know that there was someone there for her if she needed it. I know I'm not in the same group of her friends that went to high school and knows all the details, but there are aspects of what I read that parallel my life (especially as it relates to Scott or some of what happened with her Allan), so I just hope if she does need someone to talk to, she feels comfortable talking to me. I'm good at keeping things to myself, especially lately. :P :) And I've also agreed to kick Scott on her behalf, so it's all good. Boys are stupid. :P

I'm getting over my soreness from the skating, feeling a lot better than before. I no longer walk around work like I got fucked hard and long. ;) Dammit. ;)

Last night, I could barely keep my eyes open after dinner. I think eating a real meal for a change just screwed up my system, but I went to bed around quarter to ten, and set my alarm for the same time in the morning. I woke up somewhat when my dad was in the shower, and felt Digger snuggled up against me, then didn't get up again until my alarm went off. The kitties were all whiny at me this morning, especially Digger, so I kept picking him up for a quick squeeze and kiss. He doesn't like to be held, but he'll tolerate it for brief periods of time. :)

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Sorry, lack of concentration this afternoon meant no post. :) Or at least, an incomplete one.

So, trying again. Wore the restraints again today to work, trying to soften them up somewhat. It's funny keeping them hidden under my sleeves, especially since they're somewhat bulky so they don't hide completely.

Explanation for one of the earlier comments: It's not always the sex that makes a relationship hard to get over. Sure, the coworker could get me off, but he was an ass... so he was easy to get over. The ex- couldn't get me off, and it took me forever to get over him. So, it's the person and the relationship, as much as anything else.

I could get involved with another coworker, if I were so inclined. He and I kissed before J and I started dating, and it's funny how things work out. J and I went out on Friday night, then Saturday I went to work. He was having a LAN party and BBQ at his place, and he invited me to stop by and hang out. He came and picked me up from work, and I hung out there until really quite late. It was that night that we kissed for the first time... and for awhile. ;) I say it's funny how things work out 'cause while I was at work, this guy from work (L) and I had been making plans to get together that evening and watch a flick at his place. He wasn't going straight home (and he finished work about 20 minutes before me), so I decided I'd hang out at J's BBQ for an hour or so before I went over to L's. After about two hours or so, I called L and told him I was going to stay at this LAN party.

Here we are, full circle. L and I kissed again on Saturday, while he was finishing work and I was starting. Funny little world. :P

Saturday was fun. It was the November people's birthday celebration, and we went ice skating at a local rink. I skated for about two hours straight, and had a lot of fun doing it; I like skating, and it's been years since I went. After awhile, I was going around tagging people, and at one point one of the guys came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, and he skated, I stumbled along for a feet like that. At another point, he came up behind me and did I don't know, but fwhoomp! Down I went. I laughed though; I basically slid down and onto the ice a few feet, didn't hit anything, didn't get bruised at all. It was funny. :)

As the time wore on, my legs started getting wobbly from the exertion and the fact that I had barely eaten all day, and the ice was starting to get pretty chewed up from all the skating around, so my skates were sticking in places and my legs weren't totally responding. I wanted to skate funky around these pylons that they had on the ice to cover the holes from where the nets go in, and my legs said, "Nope!" So, down I went for the second time. Fwhoomp! That time, however, I did land on my poor, immortal ass (don't ask), and it's a touch tender.

After the skating, we went over to Greg/Mark's place, and I was sitting on the black leather make-out couch with a couple of the guys of the group. I got a bit of a cuddle, then I got a really nice backrub in order to make up for some horrid treatment I'd gotten. ;) Namely, I'd asked N about his trick belt, and he showed me how it could be used in bondage play -- initially by binding both of my wrists to my right leg. Then K and N started trying to tickle me and poke at me. :( So after I kicked them a few times and started working the belt off by myself (I wasn't totally successful), I got a backrub as a way of saying 'sorry.' As many of my friends know, I am a total massage *whore*. You can basically get me to do anything you want by offering a backrub, so long as it's a good one. This one was a good one. :) While I was folded over to offer up my entire back, N started rubbing my scalp lightly. *drool* I had nice time. ;)

I had N turn around so I could return the favour, and he made neat little purring noises while I rubbed his head and ears. That was fun. :) After about an hour and a half of this big love fest, I had to go to work. When I got there, I got asked by a few people if I was drunk, 'cause of how mellow and relaxed I was. :) Also because of how mellow and relaxed I was, and not having seen L for awhile, I was being a bit touchy-feely with him. Afterwards, he followed me into the studio in which I was working, asked me if I was with my boyfriend still, then after I said that we'd been broken up for over two and a half months, he asked me again when we were going to have sex (which he used to ask) and told me I was a fantasy of his, 'cause we'd kissed and he'd wondered "what it would be like." I rubbed his shoulders for a few minutes, while he told me he'd quit smoking. He rubbed my shoulders for a few minutes, then asked for a kiss. We kissed a few times, then he left.

Life is weird. After my shift, I went back to Greg's place and chatted with the people that were still there until about 3:30 or so in the morning. The talk ranged all over, a few more people now know more about me than they probably wanted to ;), but it was good conversation, and I think/hope everyone else enjoyed it. :) I may not excel in matters of current events or electricity (which lead to jokes about me licking strange objects and I don't even really remember how that came about), but when it comes to conversations about sexual matters, or my body, or relationships... I won't shut up. :) *grin* And this evening I've been "accused" of being responsible for a real turn of events in the group; apparently I'm responsible for a slate of non-conservatism, including possibly some distinctly observable changes in some people (*grin* Like K's teasing me last night about the "interesting places my tongue had been" or pushing up my sleeves to show off my cuffs to the room at large -- although S and N already knew I was wearing them -- and then holding my arms above my head), and that a lot of the interpersonal interactions lately had included me.

Which reminds me... Saturday I wasn't able to get the car to transport myself out to the arena where we were skating, so I posted to the list asking if someone could give me a life. S and N emailed the list to offer me a lift, and shortly afterwards J emailed me. Then the next day K called me and Greg called, everyone making sure I had a way to get about. When it came time to leave that morning, N was debating a bit with K over who made more sense to drive me home, seeing as how it was slightly less out of their way than his. Anyhow... J told me when we were going out that everyone liked me, and I've been told of a few people in the group that like or want to get to know me better or whatever. I joke a bit about it in the group, 'cause it's really hard to come out and say (which is why I'm doing it here, where I know a few people for sure will read it), but basically it means a lot when things like that happen -- people going out of their way to pick me up, or call to check that I have a lift. As I've said before on here, I do get really paranoid about the way I am in group interactions: "Do I talk too much? Am I making a joke that's offensive to someone? Am I hurting someone's feelings? Am I being insensitive? Is everyone wishing I'd just shut up?" and I worry about all that crap. Having the coworker and that security guard say that I was self-absorbed really cut deep, and really affected me, even now. Acceptance is really important to me, and I really appreciate and like the fact that I have it. *big hugs to everyone who reads this, as well as everyone else in the group* :)

Today, I am feeling the effects of all the skating exertion. Ergh. I slept in very late (since it was a huge sleep debt I'd built up), then farted around on the computer. I got a mic set up, though, so I can chat to people in real time through Yahoo Messenger and various other programs that utilize mic abilities. Played around with that a bit with S and N, and their webcam, and Mark, who is racing out tomorrow to buy himself a webcam and mic, so that he doesn't have to be the only one typing while the rest of us are talking. :)

Then I went to work and now I'm up just stupidly too late. Urgh. I have to go to bed soon, I just started writing this and then I wound up in conversations. Good conversations, I like talking to people... it's just really late now, and I have to be up in four hours.

So, I'm going to say my goodnights and try to get some really good, deep sleep. :)

I like getting mentions on other people's sites. :) Especially when someone's saying they like me, when I wasn't sure if maybe I was freaking her out or making her uncomfortable with what I was saying, but I guess not. :) It was neat having someone else say, "It's the ones that can make you come that are harder to get over." Especially when, for awhile, it seemed as if all of my female friends were able to come at the drop of a hat, and I couldn't.

Got my restraints yesterday, that was cool. I wore them the whole time I was at work, under my sweater, just to get a feel for them, try to help break them in. They were actually quite comfortable once I got used to the weight of them on my wrists. Mind you, I wasn't playing with them a lot, so I imagine they'll chafe at first, but for now they're cool.

What else? Urgh. I'll finish this later. :)

*yawn*

Nothing in moderation, that's the motto of my life. When life sucks, it really sucks, and when it's interesting, it's really interesting. Sheesh.

However, I'm almost ready to start climbing walls. If I make it through the week, then I should be able to survive. Focus on the papers!

There we go, enjoy the new article: In other words....

I'm off to bed, since no one's around. ;)

Funny saying from tonight (which I probably won't get exactly right, but I'll take a stab at it):

"Sure, it's just a cute little Lego train now that you feed hamburger to make it run, but that's just two steps away from a killing machine!"

Anyhow, finishing up the first essay that I mentioned (the shortest one, five pages double-spaced). However, it's going to be more than five pages, but not as long as the first one, so that's okay. Then I'll type the article I wrote for tomorrow and go to bed. Driving home tonight was a 'choose your own adventure' when it came to lanes... it took me an hour to drive what would normally have been maybe a 30-minute trip at worst. Urgh.

And the highway was stupid congested on my way to class today, so that was also annoying.

Back to writing.

Oh yeah... and all of that is the stuff due in the next two-three weeks. And Word keeps crashing on me.

*grumble* And this is the shortest, easiest of all the papers. Frig.

Then there's:

2500 words for reading log (theories of communications)
2500 words for public relations (I think that's the amount)
2500 words or so for greek mythology
3000 words for theories of communications
Another five pages for women and media
Plus regular articles for Whore's Boudoir
Plus occasional content for here
Plus another 48423 words for My Novel
Plus all the writing assignments for my Algonquin course I haven't even touched (and I don't want to have wasted that money)

Argh! No more writing. :P

Argh! I hate writing. I give it up. No more writing for me, ever. If you want to communicate with me, email me, and then phone me if you want a reply. :P

From The Big A:

A DOG'S PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS:

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem

Some more old emails:

Warning:
If you are among those who believe that your God should not be the subject of low brow humour, stop here, delete this e-mail, and have a nice day.

If, on the other hand, you think your Deity Of Choice invented beans and banana peels for a reason, read on...and risk the fire and brimstone.

Pick-Up Lines Used by God

"Hey, baby. Temptation's down this way."

"Well, hello there!" [flips open cell phone, dials, and...] "...Hey, Peter, are we missing an angel?"

"If I remember correctly, when I made you, I broke the mold."

"I bet I can find your G-spot....In fact, I remember exactly where I put it."

"Uh, oh! Looks like someone's been eating from the 'Tree of Huge Knockers'."

"Wanna feel the earth move? Not a problem."

"Looks like I'm not the only one with a burning bush."

"You don't know me - but you've been shouting my name for years."

It's not a dirty strip club, it's just a strip club! Actually, it's the strip club, apparently. :)

And see Jay... we're not all bad. :P

Oops, missed one:

At University I LEARNED...

That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd sleep through it. That I could change so much and barely realize it. That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up. That every clock on campus shows a different time. That if you were smart in high school, so what? That I would go to a party the night before a final. That you can know everything and fail a test. That you can know nothing and ace a test. That Home is a great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. That most of my education would be obtained outside of class. That friendship is more than getting drunk together. That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about. That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination. That Psychology is really Biology, Biology is really Chemistry, Chemistry is really Physics and Physics is really Math. That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.

More cleaning out of the mailbox:

Top Ten Reasons why University is like Preschool (with corrections):

10. You cry for your mother.
9. You cross the street without looking for cars.
8. Snack time is a necessity.
7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like (Jen's note: this is so me).
6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
4. You never eat what you are supposed to eat, and eat what you're not supposed to eat.
3. Playing in the rain is a completely legitimate activity.
2. You take naps.
1. You can't remember all of your classmates' names.


You know you've been in University too long when...

A Kilometre is not too far to walk for a party.
You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.
You'd rather clean than study (isn't that weird?).
You utter "Damn! How did it get so late!" at least once a night.
Often you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
Minesweeper (Snood, Counter Strike, or solitaire) is more than a game - it's a way of life.
You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.
You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
You live for getting your mail, even junk mail.
Looking out the window is another form of entertainment (so true!).
Prank phone calls become funny again.
It feels weird to take a shower without shoes.
You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
Rearranging your room is your favourite pastime.
Your only source of money is Meal Points.
The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday (what's a weekend? That's when fewer people are at work, right?).

Good notes from today:
A guy winked at me in the Rideau Centre, so he got a smile.
The teller at the bank waived the fees on two of my money orders, so I saved $10.
My prof gave me an extension on my Public Relations paper; I may not use it, but I have it.

Otherwise, the day was pretty quiet. :)

Some more quick thoughts:

The day improved somewhat after that. Ran into the piercer on my way to work, so we chatted for a bit and he told me to call him... I wonder if he even remembers my name?

While at work, I was feeling a bit weird, so I decided to not go to my evening class. Mark was chatting with me from work, as were Greg and my friend R, so that helped me perk up somewhat. Came home and chatted with Mark some more, and J and I talked it out and came to an understanding. Turns out it was a misunderstanding all around, so that situation has improved.

Thank you, though, Mad. I still owe you email, I know.

I wrote my article, finally got that posted (and revised; the first version was a lot more me-oriented, which I was trying to avoid), and then wound up spending a good chunk of the evening talking to N, since I finally went and installed Trillian; Yahoo Messenger just didn't want to run with my new configuration, so now I have access to everything, and I think I like Trillian okay... at least the skins and stuff seem a bit nicer than myJabber. Chatting with N was funny, but in a good way; there was some mutual admiration going on, and it was nice for the ego. :)

I won all the eBay auctions that I entered, and for pretty cheaply, too; I don't think they went up much after I applied, which rules. :)

I just wanted to let everyone know that I was feeling better, and that the next little while should be interesting around here. And maybe even a good kind of interesting... I'm just not sure how much of it will actually appear online, but we'll see.

Oh yeah, and Jay and I are going to check out Club SuperSexe if we do go to Montreal this Christmas, so that rocks! :)

And so, for anyone playing our home version, there's an update on Whore's Boudoir now. :)

Random thoughts:

For the life of me, I never thought that at the ripe old age of 22, I'd be someone's 'older woman' fantasy.

My eyes look sad, or at least down.

I'm giving up on wanting for myself.

I'm giving up on people.

I want to stop feeling like this.

There are only four weeks left of school, or thereabouts. Then I get my vacation time, my holidays, my crazy work schedule.

Jay and I were talking about going to Montreal. Maybe I'll stay there. Or in New York or wherever else I go. Stop using the computer, no more email, lose my cell phone, and just hide from everyone for awhile.

I want my hair to go back to blonde so that I can wear my red and purple tops again.

I want all the snow to go away so that I can be warm.

When is it unfair to act so that you might be happy? What if your actions hurt someone else? What if they hurt you for some time, but you know that in the end, you'll be happy?

When should you realize that your actions are only hurting yourself, even if they're temporarily making you happy?

I'm tired of waiting for people. "Just wait for a year or two, I'll come around, he'll come around, it'll be a better time..." When is someone going to have to wait for me? Has anyone ever waited for me? Waiting is just a crock. It's an unfair thing to do to someone if you know you aren't going to want to be with them again, and that's why I discourage it from my end. Why then, can't I discourage myself from waiting? Why do I keep meeting unavailable people?

I think I make a bad girlfriend. Or at least, a bad ex-girlfriend. How do some people deal so well with breakups?

I need to forget the last several years, just forget about them and leave them behind. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change all of my actions, take a different path. How would I turn out if I had done that? Would I still be the open person I am today?

I hate when you think someone's being totally open with you, and you're being totally open with them, and then you find out there are vast amounts of things you never learned, and you feel like a tool because all of your cards are on the table. Maybe I just need to stop being so me.

I was directing Mark to something in my archives to illustrate something about the novel that I'm attempting, and he found something I'd written September 17th. I'd remembered writing it, but not the specifics. And right there, I said I wouldn't be so open. Feh. That worked well, eh?

What's best? Running away until I think I'm better and then coming back and seeing, or staying here and trying to innoculate myself slowly with limited exposure?

Maybe I will run away to Europe.

Maybe I'll proposition the ex- for sex.

I don't want anyone to love me. I don't want to be loved, I don't want to love, because that's when the hurting starts. I want someone to care about me and feel warmly towards me, be concerned for me and look after me somewhat, and I want to feel the same, but I don't want it to hurt when it ends. I want to be able to say, 'Oh, you've found someone else? Well, we had a good run, but I'm happy for you.' and wave them on their way.

I'm so tired of it all. I'm tired of the games, the stupidities, the frustrations, the dynamics, the everything. I want to just find Mr. Right and be done, and I don't want anyone at all. Right now, I don't want anyone. I want to make myself a career, have my friends, and just have meaningless flings once in awhile, to borrow a turn of phrase.

I just don't think I have anything left. How many times do you have to fall before someone catches you and stays around?

And why can't it be the one that I want to catch?

I hate it when people say hurtful things, especially when they just don't realize what it is they've done. At least, I hope it was unintentional, otherwise... well, I'm learning a lot, that's all I say.

I also hate it when you seem not to have affected people who made a pretty big impact on you. I had that happen with a teacher of mine in school, someone I considered really influential, and she didn't even recognize/remember me later. I realize it wasn't easy for her, trying to remember all of her students years later, but it still sucked at the time.

People suck.

For anyone who just can't seem to get enough of my writing, there's a passage up on the My Novel page that I started up... it's the beginning of what's supposed to be 50,000 words. So far, it's 1577. :)

The last few days... Saturday was kinda crummy, but not really awful, just general level crumminess. I worked 6 a.m. -- noon, then I forgot that the meters are still pay meters on Saturdays, so I got a parking ticket ($25). I was starving all morning, even though I was eating crackers, and when I finally did eat a meal, I got sick. I screwed up the times that Chapters was doing their interviews, so I got poor Ben downtown for nothing. At some point either Friday or Saturday, I noticed that my clarinet necklace was broken.

But there were ups to the day, too. My costume looked really cool (I went as a trashy cat; some red lipstick, black dance top, black pants, black opera-length gloves, handcuffs, little rose choker, and my "Bad Kitty" necklace), I was really pleased with it. I won $3 on the Bingo ticket that I had. The Hallowe'en party was pretty cool... I got a great footrub and head rub. Everyone wanted to pat the kitty! ;)

Some weird moments, but overall, it was comfortable. I miss the high school days of having a billion people piled on to a couch and the floor and comfortable all over each other. There's a Zits cartoon about that, but it won't be in the archives... I have it in a book somewhere. Everyone jumbled together like puppies. It's a comforting feeling, being all squished in with your friends.

Last night was kinda fun... new show started up, so I was trying to make sure I was very on the ball for that, especially since the show didn't have any beds. I was having to swap CDs all the time, and they had so much content they were only able to do about half of what they wanted to, which was funny. Great people, so it's going to be another fun show to do, makes up somewhat for the final one. The only real drag about last night was the drunk man that was calling me and being abusive. First he said he name was Bill from Saskatoon, then in the same phone call he said he was Larry Rosenthal, father of one of the guys killed by Clifford Olson. He started making fun of me on the phone and such, so I just kept hanging up on him. I brought one of the news people in, 'cause she could eavesdrop on the phone, and when he called one time, he apparently didn't recognize my voice, and he was telling me how dumb the other girl was and how she must be drunk (which I'd accused him of being), and he said that he was Clifford Olson. After he said bye, the news lady and I just absolutely lost it. Fuck, did I hurt myself laughing.

Mind, then he called back again and said "Oh, it's you again" and said he heard me laughing when he said he was Clifford Olson, and that I didn't understand the pain of the people who lost family members and blah blah blah... he kept calling back to tell me how he liked things that the people were saying on the show in regards to punishing kids and stuff, and at the end he told me that the United States had a good idea with capital punishment, and that he hoped to see it used on me. So, I kept hanging up on him again. :P I wasn't taking it very seriously or anything like that, but it was still quite a drag. :P

However, I did pester Mark into staying up late to chat with me, so that was fun. :) He's taken to calling me brat so much I think I'll wind up responding to it the same way I do my own name. :P :)

When I got home last night after work, I noticed a very weird smell in my room, stranger than usual, somewhat plasticy. My computer had finally eaten itself! Remember, I've been talking about how the power supply fan had been dying, and it finally toasted. So now I have my brand new system up and running... I just have to install some shit here and there to get it back to running the way it used to. It's a slow process copying all the crap I had back onto the new system, but I'm plugging through it.

I'm now running WindowsXP, and so far I think it's okay... minor bleahs about it, but I'll either get used to them or turn the whole damn thing back to look like "Classic Windows" and just say fuck it. :) The only real grievance I have is with the accounts. I have a user account and a SysAdmin account, and the SysAdmin account doesn't have Internet access, so for a lot of the software I run, I have to be logged in as me to go and get it, then log out and in as SysAdmin to install it. :P At least the system boots up quickly, so I don't mind. :) I have my DVD drive installed! Wahoo! Only thing is no software yet, so I can't quite watch movies... but since I have my 3d video card, I can install my games and play them all day! Here I come, WarCraft III :)

So that's about that. I'll have another article up tomorrow, which I of course haven't chosen yet. :P Maybe if I get some quiet time to read today (away from Mom's eyes :), I'll read through some of the books I've picked up and see if that helps. Eh, who knows. Last time I started up several articles before I actually wrote one, so maybe one of those will be inspiring. :)

For now, I'm going to keep setting up my system. :)

It's funny when semi-coherent people manage to articulate things better than you:
"i\m nto sure evn i understand the situation at hand or how i feel. i know i don't understand you. it's hard i guess when everything out of your mouth reminds me of 5 minutes i know you meant that play on repeat forever."

And for fun, another quiz result. But at least this one lets me know where I'm going in life! :)



Learn your Ninja Clan at the
Ninja Burger website.

Mind you, I didn't know I was bigger than anyone. :)

Just got back from the Hallowe'en party. I had to go as a cat, as I couldn't get a lab coat for my Beaker costume; another time, perhaps. Nonethless, the trashy cat worked well, although many people described it as cute. :-\ :) I'm hoping the pictures turn out well, and I took a fair number of members of the group on my own.

I read too much into things and I analyze way too much and it's just leaving me at a total loss and confusion, so I'm trying to give it up, I really am. Things just are, they just be, and trying to understand it all will just drive you insane, so might as well hang out with the cats, get the homework done and be me.

Easier said than done.

I worry that I use people, that I hurt them and they don't say, or that I don't know how properly relate to anyone; that people analyze me and discuss me and critique me behind my back. I suppose it's horribly unrealistic to expect that that doesn't happen, but I worry what they say. I worry that I won't move on in life, that I won't move past, that I won't keep going, that it'll always be out of balance.

I'm back at that skittish point that I was at a year ago, not ready to hear that someone cares about me, or likes me.

I've heard it said that one person will always love more than the other in a relationship, and that scares me. I don't know if that's true, and I don't think it is, yet it seems to play out that way when I look at my romantic past. I guess with the ex- and UBFM (The Ex-) it went back and forth, but with the pizza guy and the coworker, they were definitely more into me than I was into them, and it really sucked.

I just don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to be hurt. I want it to all work out, and I want it to all work out soon. I guess in the meantime, I should just keep dating and getting to know people; it seems to be working out okay so far.

I keep trying to derive meaning and read signs, and it doesn't work that way. This is what takes us back to the just being and stop trying to analyze it all, but I don't think it's analyzable. I don't think everyone knows what they're doing in this situation, and everyone's just going from one moment to the next; which sucks on one hand and is good on the other. I think I'm back to my fatalist roots; if it's going to work out, if it's meant to be, it will. Things happen for a reason, and there isn't really a way I can change anything at this point, it's out of my hands and up to someone else. I just hope if and when the time comes, that someone else isn't chickenshit like I am prone to be.

But for tonight, it's a long-overdue bedtime (as I didn't sleep well at all last night), and a putting of a generally crummy day behind me. Try to put aside anything I've learned today (except that meters aren't free on Saturdays, that one I'll hang on to) until I can talk it over with someone or move past it entirely.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be more coherent. Urgh. Sometimes it's difficult writing on here, because of the audience. Not that I want anyone to go away -- on the contrary, please bring more readers in! :) -- but it just means I'm careful about what I say a lot. Ah well... Digger and Shadow say hi. :)

Fun with theSpark.com's quizzes.

Congrats! In your life, you'll have sex with

13 people!

Including the 7 you've already had sex with,
that makes 6 new lovers! You are 45% sexy.

The info on your 6 future sex partner(s):
0 of them will be female
6 of them will be male
And you will actually love 1 of them!
Based on your answers, there's a good change that someone your know secretly wants you.

Okay, out with it... who secretly wants me? ;)

That's right, ladies and gentlemen... I've changed my imood indicator! :)

Urgh. No sleep. Well, basically no sleep. But, I did get snuggled by the cats!

Yay for 6 a.m. -- noon workshifts. Urgh.

Okay, finally got a column up on Whore's Boudoir. It's up before midnight my time, so that counts for something. :P :) Hey, it's been a distracting day! :)

It isn't going to be Fit to be tied just yet... haven't been able to really flesh that one out the way I want. I've got some research to do into the subject first. ;) Instead, I hope you enjoy What a Buzz!. :)

For now, I have to get to bed, 'cause I have the 6 a.m. -- noon shift at work tomorrow, which means about a 4:15 a.m. wake up and it's already late. Blah. Anyhow, if you're up before noon and want to keep me amused tomorrow, please do! I'll be on ICQ at the very least.

Otherwise, everyone have a good night, and you'll get to hear all about my Hallowe'en and what costume I finally chose sometime later. Night. :)

Ah, crap. Just lost all the content I'd written before 'cause it's no longer saved in my buffer. Ah well, it wasn't anything special. Got my card renewed at Chapters on the last day of the freebie offer they sent me and picked up a book that will either drive me insane, help out future columns, or give me some damn good ideas. ;)

What else?

Ah yes, clarify and reply to comments (which I always appreciate, I promise! :): last night, with me saying, "at first, phone or cyber sex was kinda fun," I meant that in reference to back when he and I were still together, which was quite some time ago now. It got old during that period of time. Basically, why I didn't say flat-out no right away was because I was trying to figure out if he had some kind of virgin/whore:girlfriend/ex-girlfriend thing going on (which was an issue at one point), and if he did, I was going to give him a right royal ear-blisterin'. ;)

But thank you for the question, it's only through them that I realize when things might be unclear to those people who aren't in my head, and even to those who are. :)

And that's a whole bunch of fuck: my necklace has now bit the dust, so I have to remember to get that to a jeweler and see if they can fix it; otherwise, I buy a new chain. :(

Okay, going to finish this here for now while I experiment with writing my own code for a survey on Whore's Boudoir. I may stick with the style that's there, we'll see. :) I'm thinking I might change the site to Aphrodite's Boudoir, but that might not go over so well with the URL. :P Anyhow, no biggie. For now, we rest. :)

Sheesh... when it comes to making life interesting, when it rains, it pours in my little world.

The ex- wants to talk dirty to me, "cause it is stuff that you have heard before and you have more sexual experience and you explore sexuality more".

This is something I thought had been put long behind us. :P

Here's a bit more:

him: i'm afraid to ask, but any chance?
me: I'm going to bed very soon, and you have a girlfriend you profess to love. (sidenote: remember, a few weeks ago, they said their "I love yous" for the first time? Where does talking dirty to your ex-girlfriend over the computer while you beat off factor into an "I love you"? :P)
him: the forbidden adds to it i'm afraid
me: I see. Did you do anything like this while we were going out?
him: not at all, i promise
me: So why do you feel okay doing it to her?
him: i dont' know

There be issues there, I think. :P And now he's asking me if I want to hear it, despite morality issues. Frig... at first, phone or cyber sex was kinda fun. Then it got kinda old, especially when it seemed to be just for him. Yeesh. Not my problem anymore. Oh darn.

Geezus H. Christ. And I won't even tell you what Jay said to me! ;)

Some more thoughts...

It's funny how things can change between you and someone else. If you kiss a friend, it can totally change the dynamics of the friendship. All of a sudden it can be weird between you, or it can be ignored, or it can just be a pleasant memory. After you breakup with a boyfriend, or a fuck friend, same situation: you can be weird, ignored, or a pleasant (or horrible) memory. Of the intimate partners in my past, I still talk to or deal with five of them on a regular or semi-regular basis; only one of them do I have absolutely nothing to do with, and for those of you playing the home version of our game, that's UBFM, in spades. Or, as I've referred to him before: The Ex-, the Mark of the Beast, He Who Must Not Be Named, etc., etc., etc.

Funny how you can share yourself so intimately with someone, then wish so strongly that it had never happened; or that it could happen again and again.

I'm not sure I'm articulating what I'm thinking, but I guess it just amazes me that some people can stay so friendly with people they've slept with. I guess I've achieved in a few cases myself, but it's difficult. It's weird looking at someone you've had sex with, and thinking, "I've seen this person in the throes of an orgasm, at their most vulnerable... hell, I've caused that. I've brought this person incredible pleasure (hopefully), I've seen this person beg and plead, sweat and strain against me... This person has tasted me and been inside of me, and touched me everywhere, has brought me incredible pleasure, felt me naked against them and (in some cases), has made me scream. Now, I don't want to see this person again, or if I do, I want to have a projectile in my hand."

For those of you reading this that are more involved in my life than others, or think you are ;), no, I am not referring to anyone in particular, I'm merely musing.

*grin*

Hmm. I think that's all I have to say on that subject, 'cause right now my brain feels empty of anything more to contribute. Guess it's a good thing I didn't try to turn that into a column, but it may appear later. ;)

Actually, what started that was more thinking about how your whole perception of someone can change in so short of a time. I guess in a way it's a bit of a phase shift, if I can use the term in that sense. You meet someone, you talk to them about something personal, either because you've been drinking or you're tired or it's late or the "stranger on the train phenomenon" or you just need someone to talk to, and suddenly, they're cast in a different light, whether that had been your intention or not. A bond is formed, and it can be awkward, especially if you weren't aiming for anything in particular, you were just going with how your mood was at the time, and now...

I was running behind this morning (yeah, yeah, shut up Mark), and I decided to try catching the express bus at a different location, for a different route. I got there, and the girl that was waiting at the stop told me I'd managed to miss it by two minutes (of course), and she started asking me about my schooling and we were talking about degrees and midterms and blah blah blah, and it was okay. We got on the bus, I read for awhile, then kinda napped, and I opened my eyes for about the third or fourth time a stop before my stop, and I sat up. At that point, it was near the end of the route, so there were few people left (maybe five in all), and she said to me that she thought she was going to have to wake me up (we were sitting on opposite sides of the bus, but both towards the back), and asked if I was getting off that stop or the next. I thought to myself, "well, it's nice you'd wake me up," but at the same time, I kinda wanted that connection to end when we got on the bus, the way normal bus stop conversation does. I've had people wake up me on the bus before; there's one gentlemen who occasionally rides the express home at the same time as I do, and he'll wake me up before my stop (sometimes; a few times I've slept past it, others I've gotten up on my own). I'm usually pretty good at waking up before my stop (when I worked at the animal hospital, I frequently woke up at my stop, but never past it), but I think in my experience most people have managed to wake me up long before my stop, and while the thought is appreciated, the cranky part of me that got woken up early is, well, cranky. :)

Yeah, yeah, most of me is cranky. :)

Saturday is the big Hallowe'en party, after the fact, but sounds like fun nonetheless. Still debating on the costume; I'll let you know how the decision goes. I might experiment to see if I can get my hair to do what I think I'd need to do for one costume idea (the cool one), or I'll just toss my hands up in the air and go with my original idea (the maybe sexy one). J's been saying that he isn't sure if he's going to go or not, and I hope he does -- and no, not because I might be dressing up sexy. :) Just because I'd like it if he were there.

No one's online right now, and I'm in the mood to chat. :P Ergh. (Ah, Jay just showed up. :) There are so many 'girl' things I never learned how to do -- like filing my nails. And now that I'm trying to grow them out, I'm never satisfied with how they look. I can never seem to file them the way I want; there's always some yuck underneath, or they end up weirdly shaped, or whatever. I've finally stopped biting them (for the most part), and I'm still growing out the dremmeled part from when I had the acrylics applied, so I'm blaming their fragility on that. Maybe tomorrow I'll finally apply some polish again.

Tomorrow's plans include perogies, trash tv, sleeping in, and getting some school reading done... and maybe write Friday's article, if I feel so inspired. Otherwise, it'll get written before and during class, like last time. :)

Anyhow, I think I'll end this here. I'm going to do some chatting and some computer mucking about, then go to bed. Later.

I found these links off of I love bacon:

First of all, a giant elastic band machine gun...

Second, family action figures! I love that Mom's doll is an "amazingly awesome shopper!" Argh.

Third, the coin puss. I'd advise not looking at that link if you're at work, if you're being cautious about that kind of thing. Yuck. This is severely on my not-wish list for Christmas, and I mean that. Anyone that buys me this as a gag, I don't talk to anymore. :P

Anyhow, what else? Got my public relations midterm back, got 82.5% on that. I got my scary class reading log back (Theories of Communications, if you're keeping track), got 11/15 -- 73.3% on that, so I'm thrilled to pieces about that. Load of my mind and all... now I just have to start doing the readings again 'cause I have another two papers due for that class soon. Tomorrow I believe I may be getting the mark for my greek mythology midterm back, we'll have to wait and see; it's only been a week.

I know I haven't contributed much lately, and it's because there's been oddities on my mind that I don't really know how or even if I want to articulate. Life has been weird, and I'm learning that either I shoot my mouth off too much or people feel free to discuss what I've said... kinda frustrating.

I just realized I didn't complete a link in my previous post, so to anyone who was trying to read it, I apologize; it's fixed now, and you can read away.

It seems that I'm doing something right this semester, at least as far as work is concerned, which is good. I don't know how I've managed, since I've concluded that I'm really uninformed and very unintelligent, but hey... whatever works, right? Apparently faking it works for me. :P

Sorry, I am and I'm not feeling down on myself right now, I can't quite decide. I just had an idea of how things were going to work for me, or at least a vague hope or something, and it really hasn't been that way, which is unfortunate. At the same time, I've been having fun hanging out with people in various contexts and being exposed to new things... I'm hoping to keep trying to expand my horizons and see how that goes. Every now and then, I try to make sure I do something that I wouldn't normally do -- eat Vietnamese food with Ben, possibly go check out a workshop being run by the sex store I was in the other day, see a movie that I might not make my first choice, do some kind of exercise that isn't normally my thing, dye my hair a funky colour. :) It may not always be a succesful experience, but at least it's a new one, and it's something different from school and work.

I'm more philosophical about things now, even if sometimes I do blame myself, or wonder what I did wrong. Regardless of how much I might be told otherwise, there's still some part of my brain going, "Yeah, but..." Urgh. Having the interest of other people has helped, or sometimes fueled some frustration, but it's helped nonetheless. Sometimes I think people get the wrong impression of me: that I seem however on first impression, but when they date me or once they get to know me, it all goes pfft. I mean, how does the ex- or even UBFM perceive me in hindsight? Are they right? Have there been any of my relationships where I alone tanked it, or was it always him or both of us together? What if I'm just not meant for long-term? How could I have spent three long years with the UBFM and the way he treated me? Well, because I didn't see how he treated me until I was out... and had been out for awhile.

I used the ex- to get over UBFM (although there wasn't much left to get over by that time), then ultimately J- to get over the ex-. Used has the wrong connotations to it; I didn't use anyone, I genuinely wanted to be with each of them. They assisted the process, but they weren't used to do so. I don't want to use someone else, and for once I don't really have someone else on the horizon, which is actually fine by me. I think I'm really getting to know me and know others from a different perspective, and that's not a bad thing.

It sounds in some way like I'm still lamenting, and I don't want anyone thinking that. I'm not, not the way I was before. Sure, I still have the odd thought, but hey; I'm allowed. I don't mourn the end anymore, and maybe I'm in a better place. After all, as Di and I have both said numerous times, we're both too busy right now to have relationships. I'm focusing on school (kinda), and my friends, and work, to an extent. I know D from school is upset because I'm always working or in class when she and her crew invite me to go out, but... I don't know. Priorities, right? And I'm not really into the bar-hopping, drinking, dancing scene that is there, especially not every week or whatever. I try to be practical; if I have to get up at 9 the next morning (or earlier), I don't really want to be out until 1 or whatever the night before, especially since I still have to factor in the drive home, the removal or whatever trashy clothes and makeup were that evening's wear, and the winding down so I can sleep. I don't do well on little sleep; that's why I'm in the mood I am now, contemplative. :)

I borrowed Greg's copy of Stupid White Men Monday night, and I've been reading through it on the bus. I'd already started it in Chapters back when it was first released, I just haven't bought it yet because I've been waiting for it to come out in paperback. Reading through the sections on racism, and being presented with some forms of racism, however mild, always makes me paranoid that I might be unknowingly or unintentionally racist, or do racist things. I know how I mean my actions, and I know how I would perceive them on the receiving end, but I don't know how someone else might. Basically, I just try to treat everyone the same, and if I feel I may be speaking in ignorance, I either keep my mouth shut or try to preface everything carefully -- i.e. "I'm probably wrong, but I read..." or whatever seems to work. I hate describing someone I know as black or asian or anything like that; why is white considered to be the norm? Why do I need to differentiate? Well, I don't, unless I'm trying to describe someone's physique, and I hate doing it. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I do it, and I don't know if I am or not.

Anyhow... time to go take this snuggle cat that's draped across my mouse arm and watch some tv. I might pad this out later, I might not. For now, it'll stand as is... if my mood picks up, I might work some more on Friday's article.

Wow, that site is getting some nice hits. It's been up what, about a week or so? And it's at 86 hits last I checked (a few minutes ago). Ben has offered to send the link around to some of his friends, and I invite you all to do the same! It's simply this site that's a bit more hidden... the ex- has the URL to Whore's Boudoir, but not this one, for example. Coworker might know one of the links, not sure. Ah well, no use in worrying about it now.

Anyhow, I've discovered a new playground, about a five- to ten-minute walk from my work, and it's a lovely little place; a nice little sex shop that's really funky and nicely set up. Well, I say I discovered it; I knew of its existence long ago, I just never actually went. I've told Ben I'm going to have to take him there. ;) I picked up a copy of Bust magazine... I have the book, but never got around to getting the mag, so I figured it was time, and a paperback copy of the Kama Sutra; just the writings, no pictures. We'll see what I learn. ;)

Caught Bowling for Columbine today with Ben... interesting flick, took me from wanting to cry at times to laughing out loud -- well, the whole theatre was laughing out loud for good portions of it. Ben and I discussed his portrayal of Canadians, and there was a fair bit of it that we disagreed with, but when he was talking to the teenagers from Sarnia, Ontario, I realized, "Hey, we do have accents... those kids sound like us." It was a weird moment, 'cause I'd never before really compared our accents to others; I mean, sure, people from the Southern U.S. or Maine have accents, and yes, East Coasters in Canada have accents, but Ontarians? Not really. But we do. :)

Yes, I realize that's not the message I was supposed to pull from the movie, but it's way past time for me to be in bed, and I'm aiming that way very shortly. I just had those very brief updates to say (a few more: got 91/100 on our Audience Research paper, and tomorrow I get the midterm mark back from Public Relations and my mark back on the first Scary Class (i.e., Theories of Communications) reading log) and a title to offer up for Friday's article: "Fit to be tied." ;)

New stuff up on Whore's Boudoir for your perusal. It's just a short one, but I think I have something promising (or at least arousing ;)), for Friday.

I think I'm going to be making Tuesday and Friday my publishing dates. We'll see how it works out. :)

And because I said I would, here are some Markisms for you all to read and laugh at:
(And G was part of this too):

"I think Road Trip is The Graduate of our time."
"Brat." (heard that one a few billion times)
"Fuck off."
"Fuck you."
"You're a freakish anomaly."
"I'm from Barcelona!" (Said with the proper Spanish lisp on the 'c').

Have I missed any? :)

Did the right thing did the right thing did the right thing did the right thing did the right thing.

Fuck I'm horny.

Did the right thing did the right thing did the right thing...

I'll live.

I. Am. So. Bored.

You Are a Wild Woman!

Put down the whip and unlace those come-fuck-me boots!
You definitely qualify as kinky - and not just occasionally.
You've exhausted every fantasy, but you're always open to new ones.
Your sexual encounters are usually spiced with role-play, bondage, new positions,
props, and fun fetishes.


Are *You* Kinky? Click Here to Find Out!
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

I have got a sweet-ass exam schedule, provided it doesn't change and I get my papers done and in on time -- my last sit-down exam is December 13th. That's right, I get like, three sweet weeks of holiday time. ;)

So, no slacking off on papers, or else. *grr*

What else? It's nice to be liked. Too bad it's never at the right time or in the right circumstances, but it's nice nonetheless. :)

I bought some funky foliage for the Hallowe'en party I'm attending on Saturday, looking forward to that. Trying to debate between 'cool/funny' or 'cute/sexy' for my costume... either one is more or less as easy to do. It's just a matter of which I feel like doing.

Nice afternoon with Mark yesterday. He kept wearing his fish stir fry sauce and I managed to eat chocolate cheesecake and drink a bowl of hot chocolate without wearing any of it. He called me an abnormal freak, I called him an alcoholic; it's a match. ;) Of course, he goes back to the UK tomorrow, so it's a short-lived affair. ;)

I'm tossing around a few column ideas in my head for tomorrow's posting; I think I may get a few written in advance, especially if I go with the various whims that are taking me. I might do a follow-up/part 2 on condoms (which is what I'm thinking right now), and then there's a column on hair colour for men and women and preferences with regards to that, and I thought I had something in there, but it's not bubbling to the foreground. Oh, perhaps a column on size, which is always topical. ;) But not just male size; female size as well, in terms of genitalia and breasts and whatever else comes to mind. It might become a theme for a month or so -- 'size matters'. ;)

As always, if you have comments, suggestions, whatever, please feel free to email them to me or pop them on notes. It's not meant to be an advice column, although it could be once in awhile if that's what the audience wants... it's more meant to be my own trial run as Carrie Bradshaw. :)

Anyhow, I'm going to pretend to do some work now, I think. Maybe later I'll say something snarky to my coworker, otherwise known as "Mr. Reads-Over-My-Shoulder," which is what he did Friday when I wrote that I'd posted an update to WB. :P (Think I push my page enough? ;))

A random non-politically correct thought from the last few minutes:

I was involved with someone for a little while that had a strange style of fucking. Well, strange in my experience. Basically, instead of the usual 'in-and-out/back-and-forth/piston action' pumping that I tend to favour, this guy basically 'stirred' with his dick. My thoughts on this? If you're gonna fuck, fuck. If you're gonna stir, get in the kitchen and make me some dinner, bitch!

*laugh*

And the quizzes begin again...



Which Sex and the City Vixen Best Matches Your Sex Style?

What's *Your* Sex Sign?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

*evil grin* That's right, babies... ;)

Okay, I promise there will be new changes going on -- maybe even tonight, if I feel awake when I get home. My favourite blogs links are getting crazy, so I might relegate those to another page, like the comics, unless people prefer having them on the main page; you vote.

As well, there will be a cast of characters page... I already have a few people who've expressed an interest for particular avatars, so if you think you'll appear on the cast page and want something in particular, lemme know -- I do read your comments, so you can leave it there or email it, whatever's easier. Remember, if you don't pick something... you leave it up to my twisted sense of humour. ;)

Conversely, if I mention you on this page as an initial and you don't mind being referred to by your first name, please let me know! I default to adjectives or initials out of respect (unless I link to your page, in which case, stuff ya! ;), but some initials are awfully taken, and I know it can be confusing for you, the readers. :)

Anyhow, still plugging away at updating the comics page... I think I have only four or five strips left to do.

The Whore's Boudoir appears to have gotten a fair number of hits and I've received some off-site comments (compliments!) on it, so thank you all very much for checking out my endeavours. I'm working on establishing comments sections on there, so that you can leave your notes on that site, if you so desire. I'm not going to bother with a guestbook on that page, I don't think... this one here seems to get so few comments that I don't think it's worth it.

Hopefully that site will also be undergoing a slight revamp, but I can't promise when or anything like that. For now, it's functional, and that's all that matters, right? :)

Sorry about the lack of content lately. I've had things I've wanted to write about, but for various reasons I can't. Either it would reveal my source, or it would possibly upset people, and in the end it changes absolutely nothing, so what's the point in writing about it, right? Best just to try to put it aside and move on.

Urgh.

That being said, I'm heading off to work now. I might write from there, or I might work on the next column. If nothing else, I'll be working, right? Hah. ;)

*sigh*

Why do I always pick the wrong ones? Either they have girlfriends, or they're unavailable, or they live elsewhere, or they treat me like shit...

Oh. Well.

New content up on Whore's Boudoir. Check it out!

Got my paper back today for women and media -- 90%, A+. Wahoo. :)

Also got my first article written for Whore's Boudoir, just haven't posted it yet. I'll let you know.

More later. :)

Okay, so it's a stereotype, but it made me laugh.

More content stolen from rec.humor.funny:

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is likely to be attracted to men with more rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating, she is likely to be impressed by a man with scissors through his temple and a bat shoved up his ass.

I must confess, my feet are mostly feetist, yes.

I have a cat asleep in my lap. Yesterday, she came along and draped herself completely across both of my arms. This makes it difficult to type. :P

Like Vicki, I want to stay married for awhile before kids come into the picture; enjoy having the connection with someone and not have to worry about anyone other than ourselves. It's selfish, but hey -- at least we'd know we were not in the right place for kids and not have them before we were ready.

Okay, I say we, I mean me. ;)

The coworker actually initiated a conversation with me the other day, as I was leaving. Okay, it was last week, but he was asking something about what I was up to that night or that weekend, or what I'd done the night before... beh. I don't remember, and it wasn't that huge of a deal.

Getting dicked around at work, pissing me off. Other than stripping, does anyone know what I can do, employment-wise, on Saturdays to earn some dough? Frig I'm screwed on this. Oh well... at least as the weather turns (soap opera name, there? :), I'll have a bit of an excuse to not do some of the shifts she's giving me. The thing is, I like the music, I like the show for the 6-11 hour, it's just the principle of the thing. Why does he get to just waltz in and take on the shift he wants? Because I'm the bitch, and I bend over for this crap all the time. "You're not doing a good job on this shift, so we're going to pull you off it for a month" instead of saying, "It sounds bad, fix it." And then the month has turned into two... so it's email time. Fuck. I hate this. This is the stress.

Ah-hah! Too many conversations, made me forget things I was going to write.

The pizza guy and I were talking, and he was saying that he's now looking for a mate, or a partner -- he's in a place where he wants to have a relationship with someone. I'm glad for him. I hope it works out.

I was saying that I want to find myself The partner as well -- the husband -- although I'm not trying to get married next month or anything. Within a few years.

I figured it might not be so bad to have kids around or after 30, if I wind up doing that. I know I'm definitely not ready to have them now or soon, so I figure in 7 or 8 years I might be ready for them, if I want them. :)

Urgh! Something else I was going to say and forgot. Frig.

I really have to clean the fishies' tank tomorrow. It's on the list.

Good chats tonight, got the mood up. Got pre-work plans for Sunday now, coolage there. :)

And another sidenote... a few different people have told me today that I'm a hottie, or really attractive. Very flattered, I am, but where the hell are all these people in the singles ranks? Or in dateable guys? Hmm?

Yeah, that's right.

Or something. Yay for incoherency! :)

(Ooohh... this is a bad portent for my columns. ;)

There we go. Got it somewhat up and settled. I've decided to try to write weekly or biweekly columns about relationship and sex issues. I'm hoping to make them somewhat more thought out than this journal site, and possibly even more interesting for people who aren't totally enthralled by the details of my cats and my boring existence. :)

Speaking of which, saw the pizza guy today and got his side of things in the whole mess with his friend R's ex-girlfriend. That's gotten me interested in writing a column about the concept of the cock block (the actual term of which was introduced to me by someone at work) and its statute of limitations, or rights at all.

But aside from the column thing, it was pretty nice seeing him again. Nice to know there's at least one person I've slept with that I can be on good relations with, and avoid the whole jealousy/weirdness/anger/sadness/*whatever* stuff.

I figure I'll keep an indicator posted here on this page to let you know when I've produced a new column for the site -- possibly even just a note posted, saying, "Go read!"

Anyhow, I think that's all I wanted to say for now. The site can be found at The Whore's Boudoir, and I'll have a perma link on my site.

As well, a few planned updates: A cast of characters page (with avatars) for people who get frequent mentions. Brief history/description of them, as well. In addition, I want to finish working on the samples page of the comics, which I'm going to do some work on right now, I think.

I have others, but they're notes in my notebook... my one smart move today was to actually write down the few ideas I had at the time in there, because it turned into about four pages of notes, and this column site thing. I'm happy with it, now let's just see how dedicated I can be to the site. ;)

I lie, two smart moves. I added some of the other blogs I read into a new folder under my favourites menu, then made a link in my links menu to the blogs folder, so now it's all neat and tidy and I don't have to worry about it scrolling off the screen! Maybe I'll do the same thing with the comics page and all that... I'm so organized everywhere except where it counts.

Urgh. Big heavy cat sitting on my arms... can't type...

I was just reminded that the reason J flipped me off was because I said he was gay.

Mind you, I only said it after he'd already said he was gay, so he should've just flipped himself off, or something.

I'm so frigging exhausted.... and various other things. :(

Yes, my imood indicator has stayed like that for awhile, and probably will until the libido tanks again, which I'm waiting for. :)

So, in brief... I went over to J's place yesterday. We chatted for a bit, nothing special, except that I learned that I'm apparently *so* bad in bed that I turned him gay.

:P

He was gay long before me, and we all knew it.

Note to self: must remember to clean the fishie's tank.

I hate group work.

Ah yes, my prof, who was a guest on one of the shows I produce, flipped me off yesterday. Then J flipped me off yesterday, but I can't remember the reason behind that one.

Is it fair to complain about your life when you're upset because of the paths you've chosen? I've been in that situation with a number of people, and... I don't know. I find it hard to feel sympathy. Sometimes I still do, but...

I have crazy red hair now; it's a mix between red-red and orange-red (because of the blonde dye I had in there to begin with), and people have been very complimentary about it. I may wind up not keeping it for my Hallowe'en costume; it all depends on what I do wind up going as, but I have to get out to a dance supply place... unless I want to wear my teddy as part of the costume, which I'm considering.

I went over there last night with the intention of having a talk, but when I got there, I found there was nothing to say. Nothing new, nothing that hadn't already been said... and the other things I thought about bringing up, but even if it's the case, and even if we'd discussed it... it wouldn't change anything. Not. A. Single. Thing.

So what's the point?

In some ways I wish I didn't know, because it's just one more thing. But... *sigh*

But I was glad I was told, overall. It's nice to know.

There was a Leger Marketing poll commissioned, and they found that 1/4 people are afraid to be a passenger in the car when their spouse is behind the wheel. Okay, all well and good, nice to know.

But, I have a question.

What individual or company decided this was a question worth spending a great deal of money on to have answered? Surveys aren't cheap. And to what end is this for? Like, who is benefiting from this survey? People who direct anxiety classes? I can't figure out where the money trail begins on this one.

I think it's just some random millionaire, going, "I have all kinds of sweet, sweet cash. Should I give it to a charity, or adopt some poor homeless cats or dogs or something? Naw, let's ask 1000 people or so across Canada if they feel safe when their spouse is driving! It's great to annoy people with ridiculous marketing surveys (like the stupid one I had to do on supermarkets, argh!) Yeah, that's it!"

Okay, so it's way too early and I was up way too late and ... yeah. Time to get moving; I have class this morning with the prof who flipped me off! :)

Stolen from rec.humor.funny:

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big dick.

Okay, still no update, but here's a thought:

I've decided to stop wanting anything for myself. When I do want something, or want things to go my way, and I work to get it, I'm selfish, self-absorbed, and only happy if things go my way. Or, conversely, when I want something and someone else or the universe itself is against me, then there's that feeling of unfairness and whatnot that results from not being able to have things work out. I don't care if life goes my way all the time. I just think there are some things that should work out. (I had it better formulated in the car on the way home... this is really why I need to buy a mini-cassette recorder.)

Yet I'm philosophical about it all now, instead of depressed. Today's mantra: "What's the point in saying anything new? It won't change anything." which is totally true.

There was some minor dispute about my statement from yesterday, "sometimes love isn't enough." I was introduced to the idea of loving with a closed heart, which I hadn't considered. That's loving with shields up; when I said that I had my shields down, it seems especially unfair and shitty that that was celebrated and appreciated when it wasn't reciprocated. There's almost a double standard there.

If I never want anything again, I can't be disappointed. I'll stick my head in the sand, the same way others around me are doing, and since it seems to make them happy, it should work for me. I'm doing better... maybe with other people's methods of solving problems, I'll really do great.