Maybe if I just hide away and never talk to anyone, I'll feel better.
I'm so tired. So tired of everything and all of it and feeling it and feeling and school and pressure and work and being here and being me and looking like me and feeling and thinking like me.
I'm tired of boring my friends with all my crap and misery. It's been over a month. Why can't I just suck it up and move on? Or be at peace with things, like the other couple I know that broke up a month ago? I mean, they were together for a few years... why has two months done this to me?
Maybe I really can't be single. I have friends like that and they don't seem to think there's anything wrong with it. Why do I have to be single?
Well, maybe because I have bad luck in choosing guys. *sigh*
I want everything to freeze in place so I can get everything done. I want everything to speed up and take me a few months from now so I can feel better.
I want to be done school and in another place. Maybe if I stop using ICQ and MSN and just not go out, things will improve.
I'd go out and have a one-night stand or hook up with someone just for some kicks, but it would be hollow and it would just make me feel like crap. Since I already feel like crap, why reinforce the situation?
I like being in love. Correction: I like being in love when it's working out. The alternative sucks balls, and I've felt like this too much in the last few years.
First, it was the ex-, now J. It's time to stop giving my heart. Period. Be the robot the coworker's accused me of, and stop feeling and crying and hurting and suffering.
Am I bleak enough yet? *sigh*
I think perhaps I'll take myself out for a drink tonight. Either that, or I'll slug around the house and do nothing, since I look like crap.
Fuck. Being me just sucks lately.
And yet, some people would argue I have it all. I'm not very in debt, I'm looked-after, I have a steady job (even if aspects of it are stressing me out lately), I'm in my final year of school, and yet... I just can't appreciate it.
Maybe I will once it's all gone. :P
Anyhow, time to get to work on the paper. Then try to do some more reading. Isn't my life a blast?
2002/10/07
Oh yeah, forgot... long story short, on Saturday I was in the studio. I was curious if the coworker had found this place or not, as he had asked me once about a post that appeared here and on unCultured. He revealed that it was unCultured he had read, which I don't care about.
Anyhow, brat that I am, I checked out the history on his computer, and sure enough, every week or so he checks out unCultured, at least from work. For all I know, he hits it daily from home.
If you know the name of this site (which is never the way I refer to it, it's just 'my site'), and the name under which I post, you can find this place easily. Same thing if you search for my email address, or at least one of them (I've changed a few of them that I use here, so it's harder to find). Anytime I access my site or any site that points to it, I wipe the history of my computer -- I found out once that one of the jocks goes through the history every night he has a shift and checks out the sites that other people go to. By that time, I'd hit my site a bunch, so either he doesn't bother reading it or never bothered checking it out, or by the time his shifts came around, it had been removed from the history, I don't know.
So, anyways... I don't know if he can't find my site, or thinks that unCultured is it, but in the meantime, I'm assuming he hasn't found it and I'm happy. :)
I'm half-tempted to give the ex- the link to it... I barely talk about him anymore, but some of what's on here is pretty... not great... for someone to read about themself, so maybe I won't. At this point, I almost don't care if the coworker even finds it. *shrug* I know he's not a big reader, and he doesn't have the patience to sit down and read for long periods of time (his words, more or less), so I don't think he'd bother going back far enough to read anything that might get him really ranting at me. ;)
Anyhow, brat that I am, I checked out the history on his computer, and sure enough, every week or so he checks out unCultured, at least from work. For all I know, he hits it daily from home.
If you know the name of this site (which is never the way I refer to it, it's just 'my site'), and the name under which I post, you can find this place easily. Same thing if you search for my email address, or at least one of them (I've changed a few of them that I use here, so it's harder to find). Anytime I access my site or any site that points to it, I wipe the history of my computer -- I found out once that one of the jocks goes through the history every night he has a shift and checks out the sites that other people go to. By that time, I'd hit my site a bunch, so either he doesn't bother reading it or never bothered checking it out, or by the time his shifts came around, it had been removed from the history, I don't know.
So, anyways... I don't know if he can't find my site, or thinks that unCultured is it, but in the meantime, I'm assuming he hasn't found it and I'm happy. :)
I'm half-tempted to give the ex- the link to it... I barely talk about him anymore, but some of what's on here is pretty... not great... for someone to read about themself, so maybe I won't. At this point, I almost don't care if the coworker even finds it. *shrug* I know he's not a big reader, and he doesn't have the patience to sit down and read for long periods of time (his words, more or less), so I don't think he'd bother going back far enough to read anything that might get him really ranting at me. ;)
I don't feel right.
I don't know what's wrong, but I just don't feel right.
Well, maybe that's not entirely true. All I know is, I haven't felt entirely right for awhile.
I don't know whether to be encouraged or depressed about that.
On another note... I bought the fishies some treats today -- whole bloodworms in a gel. They don't seem too enthused about it, although Storm ate some this evening. I think this afternoon they were likely full from the late breakfast they'd just had, and they were stressed from me cleaning their tank. They still seem a little stressed, not as enthusiastic about food as they usually are, but otherwise they're doing well.
I picked up a catnip toy for Digger (there's a certain kind he really likes), and he was very thrilled with it. Even Shadow got to play with it for a bit. It was funny; Digger was out in the porch, and he was getting all high off the catnip, and when Shadow came over to investigate, he was swiping at her. I laughed; Mom made me bring him inside so they were separated. :)
Ah well... got a parking ticket today from the lot next door to work. I was bound to get one eventually, so I don't mind; goodness knows I've gotten away with it enough that paying the $20 ticket is absolutely nothing.
I appear to have started biting my nails again. Well, there's no appear about it; it's happening.
Wound up telling Mom and Dad about the possible plans I'm coming up with for the end of the 2002 year or endish of the school year. Nothing's definite or confirmed, however, so I'm not posting anything about it for awhile.
This afternoon, Mom and Dad called me to ask me to (well, to demand that I) show up at Price Club. They'd purchased a television that wouldn't fit in Dad's car, so they needed Mom's hatchback. Of course, they didn't tell me that, just said for me to get there ASAP, so I had a multitude of questions and theories running through my head, not the least of which was that they'd found Chloe at PetSmart and wanted to surprise me. That just goes to show how long I can hang onto hopes, even if I've accepted that she's not coming back.
Anyhow, I returned home with the television, and they followed me back so they could unload the television (so I wouldn't take it downtown to work with me), and continue their errands. They ended up directly behind me, and Dad kept a few car lengths back so as not to be too close if I had to stop; they certainly wouldn't want to damage the car or their new acquisition.
I'm driving along, being careful with my maneuvres and my speeding, since my parents are immediately behind me. I'm on one of the major roads, doing just slightly above the speed limit (85 maybe, instead of 80), on my way towards home, when I notice a car riding my ass -- seriously tailgating me. I thought at first Dad was being funny, and then I noticed that it wasn't him at all. Well, I know how to deal with tailgaters; I slowed right down. Took my foot off the gas, and just kept slowing down until I was cruising along at 60. Buddy was still kissing my bumper the whole time. Meanwhile, cars are whipping by us on the right hand side, so he can't get out. Finally, he gets around me and lane hops a bit and that's the last I see of him.
When we all met up back at the house, Mom and Dad said that Buddy'd cut them off to get around a minivan on the right hand side, then got stuck between the two of us. Apparently all the cars behind Mom and Dad were pulling out and passing our little caravan, thereby boxing Buddy in. They said they were back there laughing their heads off, especially seeing how frustrated this guy was getting. I was checking my rearview mirror, and he didn't seem to be cursing me, but I guess he was getting pretty antsy. Anyhow, they praised me, saying I did exactly the right thing, and I guess I provided them with some entertainment for what would have otherwise been a pretty dull drive.
The other night, I went over to Ben's place for some tv watching and just general hanging out. We watched Sex and the City and Josie and the Pussycats (She's All That, our original choice for teen flicks, was rented -- although both movies have the same female lead), and it gave me my idea for what I'd like to dress up as for Hallowe'en. Along with his brother, we had quite the interesting conversation on horror flicks, and as always, I had fun. Got to see his other brother drunk later that evening, and he was being slightly belligerent, but he was drunk and it was about 4 in the morning at that point; I'm sure (and I think Ben confirmed it for me later), that I was also not exactly a sweet and cheerful person. ;) It didn't help that I was still feeling the cold, I was quite tired, and I didn't have any cold medication with me because I'd left my backpack at home. :P
My point to that segue was about stupid drivers -- the guy who was passing so that he was driving towards me, and I felt he was cutting things a tad too close, although I don't think I was in serious danger of an accident, but I did brake anyhow -- and there was some other dillhole whose antics I can't remember now.
But what that does lead me to is another thing that pisses me off , which I dealt with on the drive to work today, and that's people that don't signal their turns and/or lane changes. I think it's especially unforgiveable on a four-lane highway with everyone cruising at speeds no less than 100 km/h (well, except for the one guy I got stuck behind just before my exit, who was doing 80 (!!!)), but it annoys me just as much driving around suburbia. It's awful when you're a pedestrian, because even if you have the right of way, drivers will get all upset when you happen to be where they want to turn, but they didn't do you the courtesy of having on their turn signal so that you can be aware that they were going to run you down. I don't care if you're in a turning lane, have your damn signal on -- I've seen plenty of people drive straight through an intersection from a turning lane, and I've seen people turning with the wrong blinker on. Admittedly, that's less helpful, but at least Buddy had the principle of the thing that time. Even if he was a moron.
I still love the song, "All I want is you," by U2. It's my favourite song of theirs, I think, and likely my favourite slow song. I can't really think of any others right now.
I like slow dancing in private. A great slow song comes on the stereo or the radio, I like approaching my boyfriend and slow-dancing with him.
Admittedly, I've only done that with one boyfriend, but the principle is still there. I think it's romantic, without being over-the-top mushy, and it's private and between the two of you.
The lyrics to "Caress me down," by Sublime, are also speaking to me now, but in a totally different way. ;)
I want to take stock of my life and figure out what I want. Okay, rephrase that. I know what I want, I just can't do anything about it right now. I'm stuck in this city for seven months at the least. Depending on where life takes me between now and then, I may be here longer than that, I may not.
Of course, I don't really have the money to go elsewhere, but it's a nice pipe dream.
I'd like a grand gesture or two. I think it would be really romantic to receive flowers at work.
Sometimes I feel like the people I talk to either don't get how I'm feeling, or just are trying to pretend they don't know. Okay, so I'm thinking of one person in particular right now, but I'm sparing names. I don't want to start a fight, I just want to acknowledge what I'm feeling.
I need to buy new jeans. These ones are getting really almost unfit for public wearing. It's too bad I can't fit into the other ones anymore, at least I don't think I could. The store where I buy these has changed all their styles, and marked up their prices, too, so I have to go there some day when I'm actually in the mood to shop. I can't just show up and buy the style I liked, since they've all changed. That annoys me, and I can't seem to get jeans I like anywhere else, which also annoys me.
However, it's hard to be seriously annoyed when you have a cat snuggling you and giving you gentle licks, as mine just did. As I also have to get up early tomorrow, I'm off to bed.
I don't know what's wrong, but I just don't feel right.
Well, maybe that's not entirely true. All I know is, I haven't felt entirely right for awhile.
I don't know whether to be encouraged or depressed about that.
On another note... I bought the fishies some treats today -- whole bloodworms in a gel. They don't seem too enthused about it, although Storm ate some this evening. I think this afternoon they were likely full from the late breakfast they'd just had, and they were stressed from me cleaning their tank. They still seem a little stressed, not as enthusiastic about food as they usually are, but otherwise they're doing well.
I picked up a catnip toy for Digger (there's a certain kind he really likes), and he was very thrilled with it. Even Shadow got to play with it for a bit. It was funny; Digger was out in the porch, and he was getting all high off the catnip, and when Shadow came over to investigate, he was swiping at her. I laughed; Mom made me bring him inside so they were separated. :)
Ah well... got a parking ticket today from the lot next door to work. I was bound to get one eventually, so I don't mind; goodness knows I've gotten away with it enough that paying the $20 ticket is absolutely nothing.
I appear to have started biting my nails again. Well, there's no appear about it; it's happening.
Wound up telling Mom and Dad about the possible plans I'm coming up with for the end of the 2002 year or endish of the school year. Nothing's definite or confirmed, however, so I'm not posting anything about it for awhile.
This afternoon, Mom and Dad called me to ask me to (well, to demand that I) show up at Price Club. They'd purchased a television that wouldn't fit in Dad's car, so they needed Mom's hatchback. Of course, they didn't tell me that, just said for me to get there ASAP, so I had a multitude of questions and theories running through my head, not the least of which was that they'd found Chloe at PetSmart and wanted to surprise me. That just goes to show how long I can hang onto hopes, even if I've accepted that she's not coming back.
Anyhow, I returned home with the television, and they followed me back so they could unload the television (so I wouldn't take it downtown to work with me), and continue their errands. They ended up directly behind me, and Dad kept a few car lengths back so as not to be too close if I had to stop; they certainly wouldn't want to damage the car or their new acquisition.
I'm driving along, being careful with my maneuvres and my speeding, since my parents are immediately behind me. I'm on one of the major roads, doing just slightly above the speed limit (85 maybe, instead of 80), on my way towards home, when I notice a car riding my ass -- seriously tailgating me. I thought at first Dad was being funny, and then I noticed that it wasn't him at all. Well, I know how to deal with tailgaters; I slowed right down. Took my foot off the gas, and just kept slowing down until I was cruising along at 60. Buddy was still kissing my bumper the whole time. Meanwhile, cars are whipping by us on the right hand side, so he can't get out. Finally, he gets around me and lane hops a bit and that's the last I see of him.
When we all met up back at the house, Mom and Dad said that Buddy'd cut them off to get around a minivan on the right hand side, then got stuck between the two of us. Apparently all the cars behind Mom and Dad were pulling out and passing our little caravan, thereby boxing Buddy in. They said they were back there laughing their heads off, especially seeing how frustrated this guy was getting. I was checking my rearview mirror, and he didn't seem to be cursing me, but I guess he was getting pretty antsy. Anyhow, they praised me, saying I did exactly the right thing, and I guess I provided them with some entertainment for what would have otherwise been a pretty dull drive.
The other night, I went over to Ben's place for some tv watching and just general hanging out. We watched Sex and the City and Josie and the Pussycats (She's All That, our original choice for teen flicks, was rented -- although both movies have the same female lead), and it gave me my idea for what I'd like to dress up as for Hallowe'en. Along with his brother, we had quite the interesting conversation on horror flicks, and as always, I had fun. Got to see his other brother drunk later that evening, and he was being slightly belligerent, but he was drunk and it was about 4 in the morning at that point; I'm sure (and I think Ben confirmed it for me later), that I was also not exactly a sweet and cheerful person. ;) It didn't help that I was still feeling the cold, I was quite tired, and I didn't have any cold medication with me because I'd left my backpack at home. :P
My point to that segue was about stupid drivers -- the guy who was passing so that he was driving towards me, and I felt he was cutting things a tad too close, although I don't think I was in serious danger of an accident, but I did brake anyhow -- and there was some other dillhole whose antics I can't remember now.
But what that does lead me to is another thing that pisses me off , which I dealt with on the drive to work today, and that's people that don't signal their turns and/or lane changes. I think it's especially unforgiveable on a four-lane highway with everyone cruising at speeds no less than 100 km/h (well, except for the one guy I got stuck behind just before my exit, who was doing 80 (!!!)), but it annoys me just as much driving around suburbia. It's awful when you're a pedestrian, because even if you have the right of way, drivers will get all upset when you happen to be where they want to turn, but they didn't do you the courtesy of having on their turn signal so that you can be aware that they were going to run you down. I don't care if you're in a turning lane, have your damn signal on -- I've seen plenty of people drive straight through an intersection from a turning lane, and I've seen people turning with the wrong blinker on. Admittedly, that's less helpful, but at least Buddy had the principle of the thing that time. Even if he was a moron.
I still love the song, "All I want is you," by U2. It's my favourite song of theirs, I think, and likely my favourite slow song. I can't really think of any others right now.
I like slow dancing in private. A great slow song comes on the stereo or the radio, I like approaching my boyfriend and slow-dancing with him.
Admittedly, I've only done that with one boyfriend, but the principle is still there. I think it's romantic, without being over-the-top mushy, and it's private and between the two of you.
The lyrics to "Caress me down," by Sublime, are also speaking to me now, but in a totally different way. ;)
I want to take stock of my life and figure out what I want. Okay, rephrase that. I know what I want, I just can't do anything about it right now. I'm stuck in this city for seven months at the least. Depending on where life takes me between now and then, I may be here longer than that, I may not.
Of course, I don't really have the money to go elsewhere, but it's a nice pipe dream.
I'd like a grand gesture or two. I think it would be really romantic to receive flowers at work.
Sometimes I feel like the people I talk to either don't get how I'm feeling, or just are trying to pretend they don't know. Okay, so I'm thinking of one person in particular right now, but I'm sparing names. I don't want to start a fight, I just want to acknowledge what I'm feeling.
I need to buy new jeans. These ones are getting really almost unfit for public wearing. It's too bad I can't fit into the other ones anymore, at least I don't think I could. The store where I buy these has changed all their styles, and marked up their prices, too, so I have to go there some day when I'm actually in the mood to shop. I can't just show up and buy the style I liked, since they've all changed. That annoys me, and I can't seem to get jeans I like anywhere else, which also annoys me.
However, it's hard to be seriously annoyed when you have a cat snuggling you and giving you gentle licks, as mine just did. As I also have to get up early tomorrow, I'm off to bed.
2002/10/06
2002/10/04
While I was driving to school yesterday, I happened across a dead cat in the lane in which I was driving, right next to the median. I cried off and on until I got to my class. Part of me kept thinking about whether that was how Chloe died or not, and the other part of me was just sad for that poor cat.
I'll be taking a somewhat different route to get to the highway for the next few days, just to be on the safe side. I know there's a roadkill patrol, but I've seen wild animals stay on the road for several, if not many, days. I don't to take any chances.
On a more up note, I finished my paper last night. If you will, here is a paragraph from it:
In some ways, this [the ultimate goal for women being marriange and motherhood] has not changed. Many advertisements feature a smiling, happy, perfectly coifed woman surrounding by healthy, beatific children and a handsome, affable husband, explaining just how happy she is that the newest (insert product here) has made her home so spotless she could do open-heart surgery on her kitchen table after preparing a pot roast dinner with all the trimmings for her perfect nuclear family. Either that, or the newest product has expedited the process of performing whatever routine, mind-numbing task that has been automatically delegated to Mom because the workplace is set up so that she could never earn nearly as much as her husband. In a nineties or millennium twist, there is the career woman rushing home to the same basic family structure, and regardless that she beat her husband home by mere minutes, it is up to her to ensure that a hot, nutritionally-balanced home made meal appears on the table as soon as Dad announces that he is starving. Modern advertising still appears to say that, while women are welcome in the workforce, they are still responsible for ensuring that the home keeps running, remains spotless at all times, and that the children are looked after as well as the husband, a bland, vague, non-threatening presence in the background.
Hehe. I'm kinda proud of that one.
Anyhow, gotta try to rework the conclusion and bit and then get ready to go. I'm up really early (relative to when I actually have to leave), and I couldn't get to sleep last night, and I still have my cold, so I'm a little iffy right now. Ah well, hopefully it won't be an especially taxing day. One class, then a fair bit of work to do, and that's just what I held over on from Wednesday. :)
What else? Well, exciting discussion with Ben last night, but I'm holding off on posting anything about it until there's some kind of further details/decision made about it. In the meantime, I go to get ready. :)
I'll be taking a somewhat different route to get to the highway for the next few days, just to be on the safe side. I know there's a roadkill patrol, but I've seen wild animals stay on the road for several, if not many, days. I don't to take any chances.
On a more up note, I finished my paper last night. If you will, here is a paragraph from it:
In some ways, this [the ultimate goal for women being marriange and motherhood] has not changed. Many advertisements feature a smiling, happy, perfectly coifed woman surrounding by healthy, beatific children and a handsome, affable husband, explaining just how happy she is that the newest (insert product here) has made her home so spotless she could do open-heart surgery on her kitchen table after preparing a pot roast dinner with all the trimmings for her perfect nuclear family. Either that, or the newest product has expedited the process of performing whatever routine, mind-numbing task that has been automatically delegated to Mom because the workplace is set up so that she could never earn nearly as much as her husband. In a nineties or millennium twist, there is the career woman rushing home to the same basic family structure, and regardless that she beat her husband home by mere minutes, it is up to her to ensure that a hot, nutritionally-balanced home made meal appears on the table as soon as Dad announces that he is starving. Modern advertising still appears to say that, while women are welcome in the workforce, they are still responsible for ensuring that the home keeps running, remains spotless at all times, and that the children are looked after as well as the husband, a bland, vague, non-threatening presence in the background.
Hehe. I'm kinda proud of that one.
Anyhow, gotta try to rework the conclusion and bit and then get ready to go. I'm up really early (relative to when I actually have to leave), and I couldn't get to sleep last night, and I still have my cold, so I'm a little iffy right now. Ah well, hopefully it won't be an especially taxing day. One class, then a fair bit of work to do, and that's just what I held over on from Wednesday. :)
What else? Well, exciting discussion with Ben last night, but I'm holding off on posting anything about it until there's some kind of further details/decision made about it. In the meantime, I go to get ready. :)
2002/10/03
So, I have a whole bunch of stuff due over the next two weeks, including meeting with different partners to do things, and no idea when I'm actually going to get it all done. Urgh.
I have five reading logs to do by the end of November (first one due tomorrow, so of course I'm writing it now), so by the time I'm finished the two months, I will be the Queen of Reading Logs/Synthesis Papers (two different names for basically the same idea).
Crown me! Bow down before my mastery of the domain of reading logs!
Okay, I can't really claim that until I finish writing the damn things. Back to work!
I have five reading logs to do by the end of November (first one due tomorrow, so of course I'm writing it now), so by the time I'm finished the two months, I will be the Queen of Reading Logs/Synthesis Papers (two different names for basically the same idea).
Crown me! Bow down before my mastery of the domain of reading logs!
Okay, I can't really claim that until I finish writing the damn things. Back to work!
2002/10/02
It's a bit long, but funny, especially for anyone who does or has owned a cat (if they can really be 'owned'). :)
CAT QUIZ FOR HUMANS
From J Bologna
Additions: JokeMaster
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?
a) Welcome home, I missed you
b) The phone rang twice while you were out
c) Feed me, *NOW*
d) So, I see you didn't bring me the mate I asked for.
e) Your pillow is history
Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?
a) Please don't leave me here all alone
b) Have a nice day
c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
d) Kiss that new vase goodbye
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?
a) An unsuppressed primal instinct
b) A sign of affection
c) A demand to be fed now
d) Have YOU had YOUR shots?
e) An attempt to 'fix' you like you 'fixed' him
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?
a) Lemme out - I need to fertilize the garden
b) Wanna go out and play?
c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
d) Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?
When your cat stares at you, it means:
a) It is bored silly
b) It's trying to understand how it's food grows in cans
c) You are being sized-up for an attack
d) Human mating habits are disgusting
Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:
a) A primal instinct is being displayed
b) You're not feeding me enough
c) It is showing a sign of affection by sharing
d) It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned
e) All of the above
Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:
a) Let it out immediately
b) Try to switch its interests to other things
c) Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out
d) If the other cat's owner is attractive, maybe you could double
Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:
a) It is showing you great affection
b) It knows you are allergic to cats
c) It has discovered the fine art of suffocation
d) You should have let it out tonight
> >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
CAT QUIZ FOR CATS
From J Bologna
Additions: JokeMaster
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
d) Let the begging begin
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?
a) Supper
b) Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat
c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready
d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it
d) It is time to chew on the cable wire again
Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bed at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it
d) All of the above
Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand
b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing
c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing
d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior
Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
a) Important to humans and should be left alone
b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result
c) Annoying and should be removed immediately
Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:
a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed)
b) Played with until they stop playing
c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy
d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping
e) Consumed for their nutritional value
A human giving you a bath should be considered:
a) Under no circumstances
b) Under no circumstances
c) Under no circumstances
d) An act of war
e) All of the above
Your human's value is limited to:
a) Providing food
b) Providing water
c) Letting you out
d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship
e) Leaving you alone
f) All of the above; if properly trained
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."-Albert Schweitzer
CAT QUIZ FOR HUMANS
From J Bologna
Additions: JokeMaster
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?
a) Welcome home, I missed you
b) The phone rang twice while you were out
c) Feed me, *NOW*
d) So, I see you didn't bring me the mate I asked for.
e) Your pillow is history
Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?
a) Please don't leave me here all alone
b) Have a nice day
c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
d) Kiss that new vase goodbye
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?
a) An unsuppressed primal instinct
b) A sign of affection
c) A demand to be fed now
d) Have YOU had YOUR shots?
e) An attempt to 'fix' you like you 'fixed' him
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?
a) Lemme out - I need to fertilize the garden
b) Wanna go out and play?
c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
d) Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?
When your cat stares at you, it means:
a) It is bored silly
b) It's trying to understand how it's food grows in cans
c) You are being sized-up for an attack
d) Human mating habits are disgusting
Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:
a) A primal instinct is being displayed
b) You're not feeding me enough
c) It is showing a sign of affection by sharing
d) It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned
e) All of the above
Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:
a) Let it out immediately
b) Try to switch its interests to other things
c) Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out
d) If the other cat's owner is attractive, maybe you could double
Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:
a) It is showing you great affection
b) It knows you are allergic to cats
c) It has discovered the fine art of suffocation
d) You should have let it out tonight
> >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
CAT QUIZ FOR CATS
From J Bologna
Additions: JokeMaster
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
d) Let the begging begin
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?
a) Supper
b) Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat
c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready
d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it
d) It is time to chew on the cable wire again
Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bed at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it
d) All of the above
Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand
b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing
c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing
d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior
Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
a) Important to humans and should be left alone
b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result
c) Annoying and should be removed immediately
Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:
a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed)
b) Played with until they stop playing
c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy
d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping
e) Consumed for their nutritional value
A human giving you a bath should be considered:
a) Under no circumstances
b) Under no circumstances
c) Under no circumstances
d) An act of war
e) All of the above
Your human's value is limited to:
a) Providing food
b) Providing water
c) Letting you out
d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship
e) Leaving you alone
f) All of the above; if properly trained
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."-Albert Schweitzer
And some bologna, but hey, I could use some great sex... and it's fun to laugh at ;)
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite or same sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Malaise. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you with in four days ( I can't wait) of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life.
You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?)
Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price. Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days. Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are not superstitious.
GOOD SEX, but please remember: 10 copies of this message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours or you will not have good sex again for the rest of your life!!!!
Now, I have to say, some of this is really pretty sexist. But then again, it's easy to see sexism when you're studying it everywhere. :) However... *sigh* Argh. I hate being sick, I hate having a cold, I hate being so tired and run down. And there are a number of other things I hate, work being right up there right now. I'm getting kinda screwed at work, and the problem is, I can't really say anything about it, because it's one of my bosses doing it. I hate not being able to call people on their hypocrisy or other comments/stupidities because they happen to be my superior. Don't try to be my friend and then be my boss -- it doesn't work.
Hmm... life might get interesting over the next while, or it might remain completely and totally unchanged; we'll see. More than likely, totally unchanged, but one can hope, no? No. But... I wish. *sigh*
Anyhow, I'm going to try to sleep off this cold. Or at least put myself out of my misery. :P
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite or same sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Malaise. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you with in four days ( I can't wait) of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life.
You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?)
Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price. Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days. Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are not superstitious.
GOOD SEX, but please remember: 10 copies of this message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours or you will not have good sex again for the rest of your life!!!!
Now, I have to say, some of this is really pretty sexist. But then again, it's easy to see sexism when you're studying it everywhere. :) However... *sigh* Argh. I hate being sick, I hate having a cold, I hate being so tired and run down. And there are a number of other things I hate, work being right up there right now. I'm getting kinda screwed at work, and the problem is, I can't really say anything about it, because it's one of my bosses doing it. I hate not being able to call people on their hypocrisy or other comments/stupidities because they happen to be my superior. Don't try to be my friend and then be my boss -- it doesn't work.
Hmm... life might get interesting over the next while, or it might remain completely and totally unchanged; we'll see. More than likely, totally unchanged, but one can hope, no? No. But... I wish. *sigh*
Anyhow, I'm going to try to sleep off this cold. Or at least put myself out of my misery. :P
Shadow used me as a launchpad the other night, so I have a beautiful set of scratches adorning my chest. *sigh* I love my cats. :)
And a joke I found in rec.humor.funny.reruns:
A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician.
"Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she
loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow
job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I
leave work at the end of the day she *really* works me over."
"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I
service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half
hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night
before we go to sleep."
"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.
"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."
On that note, I go finish getting ready for the day. Urgh, stupid cold. It's not there yet, but I can feel it, lurking in the background. *grrr*
And a joke I found in rec.humor.funny.reruns:
A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician.
"Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she
loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow
job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I
leave work at the end of the day she *really* works me over."
"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I
service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half
hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night
before we go to sleep."
"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.
"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."
On that note, I go finish getting ready for the day. Urgh, stupid cold. It's not there yet, but I can feel it, lurking in the background. *grrr*
2002/10/01
I skipped class today because I was gross sick for a good chunk of the day, in spite of eating basically nothing. Before supper, my entire day's food was the equivalent of a normal day's midmorning snack. The sick just manifested itself (in spades!) around 5:00, lucky me. I'm also coming down with a cold, which is the exact perfect time for me not to have one. Finally, I have a blue tongue, but that's because of my popsicles, not any other condition with which I might be afflicted.
Whoever put vanilla and mint together are doing my tastebuds a serious disservice.
I had a chat with D this morning after our a.m. class. That was nice; we compared notes on our dissolving/ed relationships, and she's trying to get me to go out with her and the girls in two weeks. I told her it really depends on what I have due around that time. :P I'm not sure if I want to go or not; different crowds, different ideas of what constitutes a good time...
I need a haircut, although it's finally getting long enough to tie back into a ponytail, albeit a sad one. :)
I also need to clean out the fishies tank... it's not that gross, since their poo is clear, but I think they'd appreciate it. Maybe I'll try to sneak them into the kitchen and see if Mom notices. ;)
(Okay, okay... of course she would. Then, if I didn't move them after she asked me six or seven hundred times, she'd put them out in the porch. We're both awful. :)
Writing emails to people sometimes helps me think things through in ways that I don't when I'm writing here. I'm not sure why the difference; maybe just feeling introspective 'cause my body was going all kablooey on me, I'm not sure. Realized some things while I was writing that hadn't necessarily struck me before.
I realized today that sometimes we take certain things for granted. There are very few people that I can think of with whom I've developed an automatic connection. Most of them are pretty recent, too, and unfortunately, some of them I've lost touch with, or at least a bit. Some friendships I've renewed -- like H. Others have lapsed a bit, like A, but he and I still do chat, just not as often as we used to, which is a shame. It's funny how groups of friends can rotate like that.
So, making a connection with someone is really important, especially in the context of a relationship. It's not something that's happened to me very often. Maybe about as often as I've been in love -- I'm not entirely sure that the two are connected, although it seems that way. In other relationships, there's always been discord, it's never matched up really well -- the coworker, the pizza guy (although for those two it wasn't really meant to), The Ex-... I don't know. For the record, here, I'm not moping or sulking or whining, I'm just reflecting, trying to be introspective.
Oh yes, before I forget. I made a comment in my post last Friday about the J that hated me. I wanted to clarify, 'cause that had some confusion with it -- that's J, one of the security guards at work (not the one who fed me, the one who now shares a place with the coworker). That's not meant to be J, the most recent ex-boyfriend.
Anyhow, I think that's all I have to say for now. At some point, I'm hoping to post a well-thought out commentary on politics or current events or something. In the meantime, a final thought -- it's very strange when you're single around the same time as some of your long term friends and they start coming on to you. Very unexpected.
Whoever put vanilla and mint together are doing my tastebuds a serious disservice.
I had a chat with D this morning after our a.m. class. That was nice; we compared notes on our dissolving/ed relationships, and she's trying to get me to go out with her and the girls in two weeks. I told her it really depends on what I have due around that time. :P I'm not sure if I want to go or not; different crowds, different ideas of what constitutes a good time...
I need a haircut, although it's finally getting long enough to tie back into a ponytail, albeit a sad one. :)
I also need to clean out the fishies tank... it's not that gross, since their poo is clear, but I think they'd appreciate it. Maybe I'll try to sneak them into the kitchen and see if Mom notices. ;)
(Okay, okay... of course she would. Then, if I didn't move them after she asked me six or seven hundred times, she'd put them out in the porch. We're both awful. :)
Writing emails to people sometimes helps me think things through in ways that I don't when I'm writing here. I'm not sure why the difference; maybe just feeling introspective 'cause my body was going all kablooey on me, I'm not sure. Realized some things while I was writing that hadn't necessarily struck me before.
I realized today that sometimes we take certain things for granted. There are very few people that I can think of with whom I've developed an automatic connection. Most of them are pretty recent, too, and unfortunately, some of them I've lost touch with, or at least a bit. Some friendships I've renewed -- like H. Others have lapsed a bit, like A, but he and I still do chat, just not as often as we used to, which is a shame. It's funny how groups of friends can rotate like that.
So, making a connection with someone is really important, especially in the context of a relationship. It's not something that's happened to me very often. Maybe about as often as I've been in love -- I'm not entirely sure that the two are connected, although it seems that way. In other relationships, there's always been discord, it's never matched up really well -- the coworker, the pizza guy (although for those two it wasn't really meant to), The Ex-... I don't know. For the record, here, I'm not moping or sulking or whining, I'm just reflecting, trying to be introspective.
Oh yes, before I forget. I made a comment in my post last Friday about the J that hated me. I wanted to clarify, 'cause that had some confusion with it -- that's J, one of the security guards at work (not the one who fed me, the one who now shares a place with the coworker). That's not meant to be J, the most recent ex-boyfriend.
Anyhow, I think that's all I have to say for now. At some point, I'm hoping to post a well-thought out commentary on politics or current events or something. In the meantime, a final thought -- it's very strange when you're single around the same time as some of your long term friends and they start coming on to you. Very unexpected.
Well, tonight's evening of slugging and pampering went okay. I exercised a bit on the bike (only about 15 half-hearted minutes), did some brain exercises with some logic problems, and before that, bathed and shaved and facialed and relaxed a bit. Going back earlier than that, watched the last half of the first season of Sex and the City, and ate popcorn and drank a Coke, thereby negating my healthy dinner and lunch of the last two days, salad and trail mix.
Yay for rabbit food.
My appetite seems to be diminishing -- I'm down to about two meals a day plus the odd snack here and there, and I'm not sure if it's because of an effort on my part or just a peak or valley in the ol' cycle. I'm not losing any weight from it, and I'm not feeling ill because of it, so I guess it's not a major concern... but it's not deliberate and I do still eat, so don't worry about me. No anorexia here; I like food too much.
I think later in the month, when I have the university day, I'm going to run away for the weekend and not tell anyone where I've gone. If I work Thursday instead of Friday, I'm sure my boss won't have a big problem with me going, and that'll give me a full two, two and a half days to run away. Officially, I can't really afford the time off (I got my paycheque from when I was on vacation -- losing about 62 hours makes a difference), but that's not for awhile yet. It's only a day or two that I'd be losing, pay-wise, so maybe the whole thing would balance out. I wonder if I'd take someone with me, someone from here.
I've started thinking already about the work Christmas party, and that's just nuts. I don't know why I am; it's way too far away. In the meantime, I have birthdays and things to attend to, and hell, even Hallowe'en (note the correct spelling, thank you very much. :) I want to set goals for myself, but I don't know how realistic they would be -- things like, have a date for the Christmas party, preferably someone I'm dating over a friend. However, if a friend is in town and wants to accompany me, then by all means.
I want someone to show up at my work to pick me up one night, and present me with flowers. Or even send flowers to me at work. I want romance and companionship and TLC and hugs and cuddles and kisses and someone who thinks about me when they're not with me, and misses me when we're apart. I want someone who'll look after me when I'm sick and let me look after them when they're sick.
I want what a lot of my friends have already found, and I want to lose this damn ... depression, for lack of a better word ... that I've been in for the last month.
I want back what I had.
I think about it -- what if things did go back? But I don't know that it could be what it was. I worry that I'd be guarded and uncertain, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
*sigh* Who'm I kidding? I'd take it back, warts and all. That's part of any relationship, or at least the ones I've had -- maybe that says something about my relationships, I don't know.
Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh.
I'm going through the angry/bargaining phase lately. What are the stages of grief? Denial, grief, anger, bargaining, acceptance? I think that's the order in which they go. Well, two stages fully completed (although the first never really happened -- hah, denial!) within a month... three more to go in maybe about that same amount of time?
But do we ever really get over the people we love? I mean, I still have some feelings for the ex-, although a lot of the time it seems to be impatience. :P
I realized today that my company and me and everything that I bring to a relationship is not preferable to a television and working out. That's really kinda depressing.
Anyhow, the positives of the day are the email and the kind words that I mentioned earlier in the day. I just wasn't feeling productive at all today, which is why I haven't replied just yet.
Also, my ear seems to have just needed that little bit of care and attention -- the yuck doesn't seem to have come back and it doesn't hurt, so I think it'll heal up okay.
Bit off a few of my nails (two), so that's not a good sign (but they're all weak and flaky from the dremmeling they got when I had the acrylics done, so I blame that), and got kinda depressed/discouraged when I was doing the news demo today -- those are bunch sucks for the day. Class, however, was interesting, and I got to chat with someone that subs in once in awhile at work and recognized me (and it's not the first time he's done so), so that was cool. I was also told today by someone that I was "definitely going to be a journalist," which is funny, 'cause I don't know if I see myself going that way, but who knows?
As well, Jay told me that I was funny and should write an advice column or something. I find that amusing; usually it's people that have their shit together or at least pretend to that you'd want giving advice, not mopey ol' me. :)
And finally, I get to revel in the glory that is a freshly shorn body. I forgot how nice new razors can feel.
On that note, I'm off to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be a more productive day.
Yay for rabbit food.
My appetite seems to be diminishing -- I'm down to about two meals a day plus the odd snack here and there, and I'm not sure if it's because of an effort on my part or just a peak or valley in the ol' cycle. I'm not losing any weight from it, and I'm not feeling ill because of it, so I guess it's not a major concern... but it's not deliberate and I do still eat, so don't worry about me. No anorexia here; I like food too much.
I think later in the month, when I have the university day, I'm going to run away for the weekend and not tell anyone where I've gone. If I work Thursday instead of Friday, I'm sure my boss won't have a big problem with me going, and that'll give me a full two, two and a half days to run away. Officially, I can't really afford the time off (I got my paycheque from when I was on vacation -- losing about 62 hours makes a difference), but that's not for awhile yet. It's only a day or two that I'd be losing, pay-wise, so maybe the whole thing would balance out. I wonder if I'd take someone with me, someone from here.
I've started thinking already about the work Christmas party, and that's just nuts. I don't know why I am; it's way too far away. In the meantime, I have birthdays and things to attend to, and hell, even Hallowe'en (note the correct spelling, thank you very much. :) I want to set goals for myself, but I don't know how realistic they would be -- things like, have a date for the Christmas party, preferably someone I'm dating over a friend. However, if a friend is in town and wants to accompany me, then by all means.
I want someone to show up at my work to pick me up one night, and present me with flowers. Or even send flowers to me at work. I want romance and companionship and TLC and hugs and cuddles and kisses and someone who thinks about me when they're not with me, and misses me when we're apart. I want someone who'll look after me when I'm sick and let me look after them when they're sick.
I want what a lot of my friends have already found, and I want to lose this damn ... depression, for lack of a better word ... that I've been in for the last month.
I want back what I had.
I think about it -- what if things did go back? But I don't know that it could be what it was. I worry that I'd be guarded and uncertain, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
*sigh* Who'm I kidding? I'd take it back, warts and all. That's part of any relationship, or at least the ones I've had -- maybe that says something about my relationships, I don't know.
Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh.
I'm going through the angry/bargaining phase lately. What are the stages of grief? Denial, grief, anger, bargaining, acceptance? I think that's the order in which they go. Well, two stages fully completed (although the first never really happened -- hah, denial!) within a month... three more to go in maybe about that same amount of time?
But do we ever really get over the people we love? I mean, I still have some feelings for the ex-, although a lot of the time it seems to be impatience. :P
I realized today that my company and me and everything that I bring to a relationship is not preferable to a television and working out. That's really kinda depressing.
Anyhow, the positives of the day are the email and the kind words that I mentioned earlier in the day. I just wasn't feeling productive at all today, which is why I haven't replied just yet.
Also, my ear seems to have just needed that little bit of care and attention -- the yuck doesn't seem to have come back and it doesn't hurt, so I think it'll heal up okay.
Bit off a few of my nails (two), so that's not a good sign (but they're all weak and flaky from the dremmeling they got when I had the acrylics done, so I blame that), and got kinda depressed/discouraged when I was doing the news demo today -- those are bunch sucks for the day. Class, however, was interesting, and I got to chat with someone that subs in once in awhile at work and recognized me (and it's not the first time he's done so), so that was cool. I was also told today by someone that I was "definitely going to be a journalist," which is funny, 'cause I don't know if I see myself going that way, but who knows?
As well, Jay told me that I was funny and should write an advice column or something. I find that amusing; usually it's people that have their shit together or at least pretend to that you'd want giving advice, not mopey ol' me. :)
And finally, I get to revel in the glory that is a freshly shorn body. I forgot how nice new razors can feel.
On that note, I'm off to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be a more productive day.
2002/09/30
Let's try this the third time
I got smart this time. I started writing this out at work, so I at least have a paper copy of half of it.
I meant to copy everything last time before I sent it -- I was thinking of doing that when I first started writing -- but then I forgot. Ass.
So this may not be as good the third time around, because some of the original driving emotion has been lost or filtered out.
But before I begin... I got a big yuck infection right above my helix (right on the hole at the top), so I had to clean that out. There's a whole story about earrings and what would be the best, but it's pretty dull, so I'll spare you all. Basically, I'm wearing a stud tonight, although that's likely not the best option because it can't breathe, in order to keep the hole from closing over, 'cause I don't really have anything else that would be suited. And since I have to get up in the morning and don't feel like cleaning four hundred earrings, testing each one to see if it would fit, I'm gonna do this and just see how it looks in the morning.
Here begins what I wrote at work:
I've tried to write this post about three times now -- my browser keeps losing it and pissing me off.
I've gone between happy, sad and angry this weekend. Happy was Estrofest -- I had a lot of fun. We talked about all kinds of things, and now have a joke about doorknobs. :) During one particular boardgame, my name came up as most likely to try to pick up an attractive someone of the opposite sex -- or at least to start up a conversation with them. I thought that was pretty funny, considering how I am, but then again, what do I know? :)
Another happy momemt, in spite of it being an angry day for the work part, was having one of the security guards give me some of his dinner and a Coke, so I didn't have to buy myself any food. Hooray! :)
And today I was told I was the best lunch packer by one of the newsguys, as he rifled through my trail mix and teddy grahams (after I'd told him to, don't worry). :)
I keep occasionally running up against a 'life is horribly unfair' feeling. There's a story I keep trying to write that my mom told me awhile ago. It frequently comes to mind when I'm feeling like whining about how unfair the world is.
It seems that when I was younger, I had a little purse I used to keep change in -- it probably amounted to a whole dollar or two. Mom said we were in a store one time and I set this purse down and walked away from it. Of course, someone stole it -- but I simply couldn't understand why someone would steal from me.
When I think of this story, even if it weren't me in the story, I just feel a sense of helplessness or sadness. I can imagine how I must have felt as that little girl, being introduced to the world of unfairness and meanness that can abound.
And that's kinda what I feel sometimes now.
That little man inside my heart or inside my gut feels that somehow it should work out. Maybe if I just care enough, or if we both care enough or both work enough to make it happen, it could.
I feel a bit like I did before the ex- and I started going out the second time. Part of me just can't accept that that's it. Period.
I want the relationship again, problems or no. What does that say about me? I fear finding out.
It's been nearly a month since things ended -- a month on Wednesday. Why am I not over it by now? Why can't I let it go?
It's just seriously unfair.
I know everyone means well when they tell me that I'll meet someone else, someone better, but right now, I can't hear that, and I don't want to. I'm sure it's how Di must feel like when people tell her that she can do better than Eric, or that she should move on. Like, sure, on one level, I know that and I feel that way. But on the other level, the one on which I'm currently operating, I'm not ready for someone else. I feel how I feel, and that's likely not going to change for awhile.
I know people are tired of hearing me whine about this, and I feel bad for being so stuck on it. But... what's the time limit on whine ability? When should I be over things?
It doesn't help to reminisce or share stories with people. Well, it does... but it reminds me of what there was, and who knows when it'll be there again.
Anyhow, time to focus on conversations and then go to bed.
I got smart this time. I started writing this out at work, so I at least have a paper copy of half of it.
I meant to copy everything last time before I sent it -- I was thinking of doing that when I first started writing -- but then I forgot. Ass.
So this may not be as good the third time around, because some of the original driving emotion has been lost or filtered out.
But before I begin... I got a big yuck infection right above my helix (right on the hole at the top), so I had to clean that out. There's a whole story about earrings and what would be the best, but it's pretty dull, so I'll spare you all. Basically, I'm wearing a stud tonight, although that's likely not the best option because it can't breathe, in order to keep the hole from closing over, 'cause I don't really have anything else that would be suited. And since I have to get up in the morning and don't feel like cleaning four hundred earrings, testing each one to see if it would fit, I'm gonna do this and just see how it looks in the morning.
Here begins what I wrote at work:
I've tried to write this post about three times now -- my browser keeps losing it and pissing me off.
I've gone between happy, sad and angry this weekend. Happy was Estrofest -- I had a lot of fun. We talked about all kinds of things, and now have a joke about doorknobs. :) During one particular boardgame, my name came up as most likely to try to pick up an attractive someone of the opposite sex -- or at least to start up a conversation with them. I thought that was pretty funny, considering how I am, but then again, what do I know? :)
Another happy momemt, in spite of it being an angry day for the work part, was having one of the security guards give me some of his dinner and a Coke, so I didn't have to buy myself any food. Hooray! :)
And today I was told I was the best lunch packer by one of the newsguys, as he rifled through my trail mix and teddy grahams (after I'd told him to, don't worry). :)
I keep occasionally running up against a 'life is horribly unfair' feeling. There's a story I keep trying to write that my mom told me awhile ago. It frequently comes to mind when I'm feeling like whining about how unfair the world is.
It seems that when I was younger, I had a little purse I used to keep change in -- it probably amounted to a whole dollar or two. Mom said we were in a store one time and I set this purse down and walked away from it. Of course, someone stole it -- but I simply couldn't understand why someone would steal from me.
When I think of this story, even if it weren't me in the story, I just feel a sense of helplessness or sadness. I can imagine how I must have felt as that little girl, being introduced to the world of unfairness and meanness that can abound.
And that's kinda what I feel sometimes now.
That little man inside my heart or inside my gut feels that somehow it should work out. Maybe if I just care enough, or if we both care enough or both work enough to make it happen, it could.
I feel a bit like I did before the ex- and I started going out the second time. Part of me just can't accept that that's it. Period.
I want the relationship again, problems or no. What does that say about me? I fear finding out.
It's been nearly a month since things ended -- a month on Wednesday. Why am I not over it by now? Why can't I let it go?
It's just seriously unfair.
I know everyone means well when they tell me that I'll meet someone else, someone better, but right now, I can't hear that, and I don't want to. I'm sure it's how Di must feel like when people tell her that she can do better than Eric, or that she should move on. Like, sure, on one level, I know that and I feel that way. But on the other level, the one on which I'm currently operating, I'm not ready for someone else. I feel how I feel, and that's likely not going to change for awhile.
I know people are tired of hearing me whine about this, and I feel bad for being so stuck on it. But... what's the time limit on whine ability? When should I be over things?
It doesn't help to reminisce or share stories with people. Well, it does... but it reminds me of what there was, and who knows when it'll be there again.
Anyhow, time to focus on conversations and then go to bed.
2002/09/29
2002/09/27
Okay, I do have time for an update. No, I haven't offed myself.
Grr, I was up late last night (2 a.m., but Wednesday night was 4 a.m.), and then my cousin, forgetting the 1 hour time difference, called at 8 and woke me up. Then my sister called sometime around 9, 9:30 and woke me up again. Argh! We is grumpy today.
And I don't have the car, so I'm not sure how I'm going to work Estrofest stuff... unless I bus home and get the car, showing up a bit late (which I don't think would be a big problem). I just don't know how tomorrow's going to work, since I'm supposed to work from 6-11 now, and I was going to use the afternoon to get some stuff done, but my cousin's going to be oot and aboot in the afternoon, around 1... and I'll probably be the one who's asked to entertain her. Argh. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem hanging out with my cousin (aside from I haven't spoken to her much in the last several years, so I don't have a lot that I can think of to talk to her about), it's just that I was thinking of getting some reading/writing or even cleaning done. Just spoke to the folks -- I can get the car tonight, but I'm expected to put in smiley time tomorrow (the two aren't related). "In 20 years, she hasn't been up here!" "Yeah, and fourth year university, I have a paper due this week!" "Get what you can done today.." "Umm... let's see, that would be a shower, and then go to class and work. :P"
*sigh* As I was saying... up until that (I'm tired and grumpy right now), I was doing well. Invited myself over to Ben's place Wednesday night, and had fun. Lots of laughs, lots of good conversation, watched fun tv and movies, and got to bed at 4 in the morning. Urgh. But it was a good, fun, non-moping night, and I really enjoyed it. Last night, picked Di up and drove downtown. Had a funky conversation with her PL boy, then had a funky/weird conversation with the Second Cup guy, and then off to class it was. I think I did okay on the quiz, although I wished I'd put in some real studying time. Ah well. Afterwards, went to my playground and picked up Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, and Ovid's Metamorphoses, as well as a Cosmo (*blush*), but I'm saying that's for my women and media class -- we're encouraged to bring them in for the ads.
Went over to work and chatted for awhile with the security guards (both named J, but not the J I used to talk about on here, who hates me), then went upstairs and chatted with K for awhile. We ended up making plans to catch a movie Monday night, since we both have the evening free, and then I drove him home. Had funny conversations with people on MSN last night and finally went to bed around 2.
I think I've come full circle now, so there's the catch-up.
Gotta write emails today -- I owe some to a few people. And now it's time for me to get moving. I'm tired. *pout* But Di's my new hero, 'cause she picked up the hottie. ;)
Grr, I was up late last night (2 a.m., but Wednesday night was 4 a.m.), and then my cousin, forgetting the 1 hour time difference, called at 8 and woke me up. Then my sister called sometime around 9, 9:30 and woke me up again. Argh! We is grumpy today.
And I don't have the car, so I'm not sure how I'm going to work Estrofest stuff... unless I bus home and get the car, showing up a bit late (which I don't think would be a big problem). I just don't know how tomorrow's going to work, since I'm supposed to work from 6-11 now, and I was going to use the afternoon to get some stuff done, but my cousin's going to be oot and aboot in the afternoon, around 1... and I'll probably be the one who's asked to entertain her. Argh. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem hanging out with my cousin (aside from I haven't spoken to her much in the last several years, so I don't have a lot that I can think of to talk to her about), it's just that I was thinking of getting some reading/writing or even cleaning done. Just spoke to the folks -- I can get the car tonight, but I'm expected to put in smiley time tomorrow (the two aren't related). "In 20 years, she hasn't been up here!" "Yeah, and fourth year university, I have a paper due this week!" "Get what you can done today.." "Umm... let's see, that would be a shower, and then go to class and work. :P"
*sigh* As I was saying... up until that (I'm tired and grumpy right now), I was doing well. Invited myself over to Ben's place Wednesday night, and had fun. Lots of laughs, lots of good conversation, watched fun tv and movies, and got to bed at 4 in the morning. Urgh. But it was a good, fun, non-moping night, and I really enjoyed it. Last night, picked Di up and drove downtown. Had a funky conversation with her PL boy, then had a funky/weird conversation with the Second Cup guy, and then off to class it was. I think I did okay on the quiz, although I wished I'd put in some real studying time. Ah well. Afterwards, went to my playground and picked up Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, and Ovid's Metamorphoses, as well as a Cosmo (*blush*), but I'm saying that's for my women and media class -- we're encouraged to bring them in for the ads.
Went over to work and chatted for awhile with the security guards (both named J, but not the J I used to talk about on here, who hates me), then went upstairs and chatted with K for awhile. We ended up making plans to catch a movie Monday night, since we both have the evening free, and then I drove him home. Had funny conversations with people on MSN last night and finally went to bed around 2.
I think I've come full circle now, so there's the catch-up.
Gotta write emails today -- I owe some to a few people. And now it's time for me to get moving. I'm tired. *pout* But Di's my new hero, 'cause she picked up the hottie. ;)
2002/09/24
Here's a picture of my baby girl, for those who never saw her. She looks like she might be fat in this picture, but rest assured, she never was; she was always a skinny little thing, unlike my chubby kitties that I have now.
Chloe, I still miss you and think of you often (that's often, frequently, not often, a person who has lost his parents :).
Chloe, I still miss you and think of you often (that's often, frequently, not often, a person who has lost his parents :).
I've given up on putting on the brave face, and I'm just being how I am. I'm sure the coworker is bitching to someone somewhere about how unfriendly I am or how self-absorbed, but I just don't have the emotional energy right now to play nice for anyone. I feel two-faced doing it, and it depresses me. I'm not being all morose and depressed on anyone, but I'm also not playing Super Happy Fun Girl if I don't feel it.
From the wee bit I read on the web, I'm not having a nervous breakdown, which is a good thing, I guess. On the other hand, it's a bad thing, 'cause it means that all this crying and whatnot I'm doing every other day is a product of something else, and it's scary. I keep having scary thoughts, bad thoughts, and I don't know what to do about them. I can't write about them here or tell anyone because I'll be accused of being melodramatic or stupid or irrational or I'll feel like I'm doing it just to get pity or attention or something. People will read it as "you're just doing this to get him back" and I think that myself and I feel like on some stupid level that's part of it but it's not.
I don't understand the readings for Theories of Communications. I don't understand them at all and it makes me frustrated and upset and it makes me cry. I was reading today on the bus home and when I got off the bus I started crying because I don't understand it. I already failed it once and I can't bear to think that I have another like, 10 weeks of this class to go to.
I'm so stressed and so upset and so everything that I'm scared. I have so much reading to do and I don't know when I'll get to do it, and for most of my classes the reading is vital because there are papers based on it or there are midterms directly based on it, so I can't slack in anything. I'm ahead in the readings for two classes, up to date in one, one class I don't think it's necessary for, and the other one (Theories of Communications) I'm behind. I'm so behind and I have to do the readings and I'm so scared that I'm going to fail it again and have to take it a third time. If I fail it this time, I'm going to talk to the prof and then the department about bumping up my mark because I can't take it a third time. If I have to, I'll wind up killing someone.
I think about taking time off work and then I think, what's the point? What am I going to do with the four or six hours I have between classes on Tuesdays and Wednesdays? I don't want to lose my job and I just had a vacation, so I can't really justify more time off, although I don't think my boss would mind. The coworker probably wouldn't say anything to me, and I don't want to explain to him what's going on because I don't need false pity or any pity.
In terms of assignments, this semester is actually lighter than some I've had, so I don't know why I'm so stressed. I have no explanation for why I just sat and cried for five minutes straight while writing this. Maybe the stress relief is all it is and all I need. I haven't told my parents though, not that I've been feeling like this for awhile. Maybe I should, but I just don't know how to bring it up or what they'd say.
I could take some time off, but I'm so close and I've already started to hand in assignments and paid for everything and bought all my books. What's the point?
My schedule got changed for Saturday, just for this weekend, and it really upset me, maybe more than it should've. I don't think I can handle anything very well right now, although I didn't do too poorly about feeling either defensive or crying when it came to being talked to about the specialty show I run on Saturdays. When I mentioned to my boss that I've been crying a lot lately, she asked me, "Bad week?" I answered, "Bad life." She told me, "You're young, get used to it." There's sympathy from you -- this is the same lady that six months ago would've asked me all kinds of questions about what was wrong and if I needed to talk to someone, to go ahead and talk to her.
For the most part, I'm just going to hermit myself. I'm going to look after me, because no one else is. I'm wondering if I should email people so they don't get the wrong idea. I hate worrying so much about what other people think.
things that piss me off
People that are only nice to you when they need something; otherwise they can't give you the time of day. There are a few people like this at work, and I think I'm in just the place to lose it on one of them. Maybe I'll tell off my boss -- that'll be cathartic.
I hate the way my eyes feel after I've been crying. At least they're a really nice shade of blue afterwards, particularly against the pink. :P
From the wee bit I read on the web, I'm not having a nervous breakdown, which is a good thing, I guess. On the other hand, it's a bad thing, 'cause it means that all this crying and whatnot I'm doing every other day is a product of something else, and it's scary. I keep having scary thoughts, bad thoughts, and I don't know what to do about them. I can't write about them here or tell anyone because I'll be accused of being melodramatic or stupid or irrational or I'll feel like I'm doing it just to get pity or attention or something. People will read it as "you're just doing this to get him back" and I think that myself and I feel like on some stupid level that's part of it but it's not.
I don't understand the readings for Theories of Communications. I don't understand them at all and it makes me frustrated and upset and it makes me cry. I was reading today on the bus home and when I got off the bus I started crying because I don't understand it. I already failed it once and I can't bear to think that I have another like, 10 weeks of this class to go to.
I'm so stressed and so upset and so everything that I'm scared. I have so much reading to do and I don't know when I'll get to do it, and for most of my classes the reading is vital because there are papers based on it or there are midterms directly based on it, so I can't slack in anything. I'm ahead in the readings for two classes, up to date in one, one class I don't think it's necessary for, and the other one (Theories of Communications) I'm behind. I'm so behind and I have to do the readings and I'm so scared that I'm going to fail it again and have to take it a third time. If I fail it this time, I'm going to talk to the prof and then the department about bumping up my mark because I can't take it a third time. If I have to, I'll wind up killing someone.
I think about taking time off work and then I think, what's the point? What am I going to do with the four or six hours I have between classes on Tuesdays and Wednesdays? I don't want to lose my job and I just had a vacation, so I can't really justify more time off, although I don't think my boss would mind. The coworker probably wouldn't say anything to me, and I don't want to explain to him what's going on because I don't need false pity or any pity.
In terms of assignments, this semester is actually lighter than some I've had, so I don't know why I'm so stressed. I have no explanation for why I just sat and cried for five minutes straight while writing this. Maybe the stress relief is all it is and all I need. I haven't told my parents though, not that I've been feeling like this for awhile. Maybe I should, but I just don't know how to bring it up or what they'd say.
I could take some time off, but I'm so close and I've already started to hand in assignments and paid for everything and bought all my books. What's the point?
My schedule got changed for Saturday, just for this weekend, and it really upset me, maybe more than it should've. I don't think I can handle anything very well right now, although I didn't do too poorly about feeling either defensive or crying when it came to being talked to about the specialty show I run on Saturdays. When I mentioned to my boss that I've been crying a lot lately, she asked me, "Bad week?" I answered, "Bad life." She told me, "You're young, get used to it." There's sympathy from you -- this is the same lady that six months ago would've asked me all kinds of questions about what was wrong and if I needed to talk to someone, to go ahead and talk to her.
For the most part, I'm just going to hermit myself. I'm going to look after me, because no one else is. I'm wondering if I should email people so they don't get the wrong idea. I hate worrying so much about what other people think.
things that piss me off
People that are only nice to you when they need something; otherwise they can't give you the time of day. There are a few people like this at work, and I think I'm in just the place to lose it on one of them. Maybe I'll tell off my boss -- that'll be cathartic.
I hate the way my eyes feel after I've been crying. At least they're a really nice shade of blue afterwards, particularly against the pink. :P
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