For those of you who, like me, have grown boobs and know that they don't grow in four months, here's a pictoral history of Britney's boobs, with a fantastic rant at the beginning that I completely agree with. Things about how it's a bad idea for 17-year olds to get plastic surgery, and how disgusting it is listening to 40+ year old men talk about how much they'd like to get it on with 20-year olds. :) I laughed, I cried, I cheered. Now go read it. :)

Best compliment ever: "You do things to my weewee."

Wow. I'm blown away.

Introduce this Pope Innocent III Action Figure to your other figures and watch the spiritual sparks fly! Armed with his formidable power of excommunication and an intimidating scroll inscribed with Latin text, this 6" tall, hard plastic model of the 176th Pope will soon have all your other action figures lining up for confession. Read the back of the illustrated blistercard and you'll find that Pope Innocent III was a good guy in all respects. He was a patron of the arts, cared about orphans, built a hospital and reunified the Papal States! Comes with removable fancy Pope hat.

Geeked out last night with Ben, watching Star Treks: Insurrection and Nemesis. Good times. :) Wound up staying too late and crashed on the sofa in the basement; I fit into a loveseat, though it's not ideal for me, sleep-wise. No matter, woke up around 9 or so, got some more rest (I think), then headed out for the bus. I figure Ben and Mark will be out for the count for quite some time.

There's more I want to write here about last night, but I'm not sure what to say or how to say it, so I'm just going to leave it be for now. If I'm lucky, I'll get some writing time in today/tonight, and maybe get it sorted out in my head on my own. Mind you, it's one of those things that I don't know if I can sort out without talking to the other person involved.

For those of you who sent me messages saying you were worried about me after my last rambling post (from Saturday morning), thanks. I wasn't really as mucked up as people seem to think, I just had some lines running through my head that made sense to me and I posted them there, albeit in a less sense-making fashion than I would have hoped. I find it kinda funny that when I feel at my worst and post, no one seems to say anything, but when I toss something off in a mini-haze combination of tired and mildly down, everyone's there. You guys are funny. :)

I'm about half-way into the second Anita Blake book (I originally had the first lent to me), and I'm enjoying it. I think now I'm in the right frame of mind for the books and I know a bit better what to expect from the author, so that's probably helping. Either that or I'm just in the mood now for vampires and zombies and stuff. Maybe I need a Spike fix. ;)

Anyhow, time for breakfast and random other errands to be taken care of around here. I need to scare up some loonies to get some laundry done, but I think I'll put that off until tomorrow. I should go to the gym, especially as I swore I would yesterday; I think I'll do that just before work. For now, I'm feeling kinda lazy, but not tired enough to go back to sleep. So much for getting lots of rest this weekend. Ah well... the head stuff is fun. :P

Ergh. I crashed at the folk's place last night, and it was *cold* there. I've gotten way too used to my sauna-temperatures, I guess. Either that or I'm just not used to the lightweight bedspread and sheets that are on my sister's bed.

I am also apparently retaining water, or the soup expanded in my system or something, 'cause I was peeing constantly all day yesterday. Pretty ridiculous, and I've decided to blame that for my seeming weight gain (retaining water and maybe some muscle mass? One can hope).

*sigh* I'm *trying*. I'm trying to eat well, I eat less than I used to (or so I think), and I work out at the gym at least two days a week. I know I've gotten stronger, but aside from that, has anything changed? When I looked in the mirror yesterday and I could see the beginnings of a double chin -- or at least some major softness going on under my chin -- I decided that maybe not.

So what with the frozenness last night (I woke up at one point to use the washroom and my face was cold to the touch), and whatnot, I didn't sleep tremendously greatly. *sigh* I spent last night hanging out with a few friends, R and N, and JW and AM. We played video games and chatted, and I got to enjoy the joys of Celebrity Deathmatch (although those joys are admittedly short-lived), and some Amplitude, which I wasn't very good at at all. :) After I passed out on the couch slightly, we all left. I got to wait a stupid amount of time for the bus (must've just missed one), finished Survivor (by Chuck Palahniuk -- this one I actually kinda enjoyed, maybe now I'm getting used to his style), and went home to post depressing updates and sleep.

Which takes us to today... left the house late-ish with the folks. My dad's car's washer fluid thingys were all frozen up, so he didn't want to get on the highway to drive me downtown (understandable). Did I mention I woke up to a whole bunch of snow? Yeah. Lovely times. Anyhow, we got to a point just before the highway on-ramp, they went and did some shoe shopping, and I hit up the bookstore. Yay for bookstores. I picked up basically all of the current Anita Blake series (minus the last three), and the girl who rang up my purchases screwed up my coupons. *sigh* I only realized it in the car, after we'd already left, too. Ah well...

And then we came downtown and my dad put up the cupboards in my bathroom (though not my shelves yet), and life is getting slightly closer to good in the storage area. Part of me wants to just live in this dinky little apartment forever because of the hassle of doing this all over again in less than a year, but the other part of me is saying, "no, no, you'll move out. Yes, you will." :)

I've been trying to kinda renew contact with an old acquaintance, for lack of a better word, and it doesn't seem to be happening. I'm not sure what I want out of the contact, so maybe that's not a bad thing that it's not happening, but it's still a bit of a pisser. I'm not sure if I should continue the effort, or just let it go.

I feel as if I want to hate you.

I want to hate that you judge me, without knowing the reasons behind my actions.

I want to hate that, were I the secure person that everyone seems to think I am, I wouldn't have done what I did when I did it.

I want to hate that I feel things for you.

I want to hate that I feel left behind, while you move on.

I want to blame you for keeping me here.

I want to blame you for what I feel.

I want to blame you for leading me on.

I want to stop feeling.

I want to stop thinking.

I want to stop being back in this place.

I want to be with you, but I don't.

I want to be with him, but I don't.

I want to be with the other him, but I don't.

Everyone's moving on, but I'm not.

The more I work, the worse it gets. The more good I think I'm doing, the less improving there seems to be.

I don't want to be this size anymore. I want to see changes. I want you to stop mocking me and try supporting me. I want you to encourage me, not tell me that you can tell that I've gained weight since I moved out.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see, not stare at all the problems.

I want you to say, "it's nice to see you" or "I like your hair that length," not, "what's going on with your face?"

I want you to suggest healthy foods for me to eat, not just telling me everything is fattening or bad.

I want to be held and made to feel beautiful. I want to have someone for just me, and sometimes I think it's you, and sometimes I think it's him, and sometimes I think it's him.

Basically, I think I'm just feeling lonely and unattractive.

Basically, I think I don't know what I'm doing.

Basically... I just don't know.

Should I stay -- or should I go?

Argh. People.

Picture those with a fair bit of disgust behind them, okay?

Frig!

Drives me nuts.

Okay, the story. Yesterday was more or less my usual Thursday routine: Go to work, go to the gym and train for an hour. Cardio for about twenty minutes, tanning for just under that time, shower, sauna, change (with the lady I'll refer to as Mrs. Big Naked Butt, but that's a slightly different rant).

Now, back up a second until 3 p.m., when I left work -- I emailed Ben from my phone, asking if he was interested in getting together for dinner tonight. 3 p.m. Key point there.

Moving forwards; it's 5:30 or slightly later, I'm getting changed, I hear my phone ring the way it does when I get a voice or text message. No problem, I figure it's perhaps Ben emailing me back. I get my shit together, brush my hair and head upstairs (the gym is in the basement and there's no signal down there, so I wasn't even going to try to see what was going on).

I get upstairs and outside, and find out that it's in fact voice mail. Check the voice mail, and it's the older infatuated friend of mine that I ranted about on October 29th (you chase the post down, me, I'm at work) that I referred to as C. He's called to see if I want to get together for dinner. In his message, he says that since he can't get a hold of me on my cell, he'll try me at home. Sure enough, when I checked later, there was a message on my home phone.

There was a second message on my cell, but it was just a hang up, so I can only assume it was from him. Now, I would like to take a moment at this point to state that C has not given me any number by which I can reach him, claiming only that he's never at home so it's not worth it to try. He has my numbers, he calls me.

I do have an email address and his MSN, however the last few days I haven't had time/spent time online, nor have I been much in the socializing frame of mind -- Shawn has explicitly commented on this. Others can attest that they haven't spoken to me online in several days. I've also been trying to avoid napping in the afternoon and instead go to bed at a semi-decent hour; last night I was in bed by 10:15, the night before that, quarter to 10 (I had to get up earlier for work this morning).

And as the final part of my sidebar, I want to quietly say that even were I to have tonnes of free time and the will to socially abuse it, I really don't feel particularly comfortable with this guy with his new "transformation" and stated interest in me. Definite feelings of awkward and uncomfortable, and that's not my idea of a fun evening. :P

Okay, second final sidebar note: I'm also getting kinda set in my ways. :) That's not to say that I don't enjoy having plans and whatnot, but since I'm living alone, the care and maintenance of my apartment is up to me -- hence doing dishes and things have to be done, and I'm the only one doing them, so sometimes I have to make time to actually *do* them (especially when they start to smell). I also have my little routines for each day -- Tuesdays and Thursdays is the gym, Wednesdays (and sometimes Thursdays) is good t.v., usually weekends are for hanging out with friends who don't have many weekday plans... and so on. So sometimes I'm looking forward to having my "day," and I don't feel like changing that. I have lot of interests that don't translate too well to group activities, and sometimes I really look forward to those.

Anyhow, finally moving on. :) On my walk home, Ben calls me and confirms our plans for the evening. I tell him I want to drop off my gym stuff (and I'm only about a block from home at this point) and dry my hair and so on, then I'll meet him at the bar where he and a coworker are hanging out. We get together, do our chilling, eat some dinner, go our separate ways.

I go home, put away a few things, settle on the couch with the remote and veg out for a bit. C.S.I. comes on, it's a repeat. Poop. I flip channels as I do some reading, and just before 10 the phone rings. Note to self -- always check caller I.D. before answering. That's what you have this service. :P

In truth, I thought it was someone else calling at that hour (in response to a, 'Hey, how are you?' call I'd placed the day before). No such luck. Astute readers will ascertain that it was C. Argh.

We do the hey, how's it going thing and exchange current activities, and then he goes somewhat silent, as if at this point I'm supposed to carry the conversation. Admittedly, my attention was somewhat split -- my book, my television, my total apathy in the current conversation, and I basically say that unfortunately, I'm going to let him go because I have to go to bed -- I have to be up early because I was filling in for someone today, which was the truth.

So then he takes five minutes to get out one question (there were lots of pauses and heavy sighs and hesitation noises between just about every bloody syllable): He's been getting the feeling that he's been getting the brush-off, as the last several times he's tried to plan something, I've avoided him, blah blah blah is that the case?

Now, I told him that the reason I didn't get his calls was because I was at the gym (true), and that I'd already made plans with a friend (also true), and he kinda interrupts me to say that all I'd had to say was a simple yes or no. I then further explain that I haven't been online much (also true) and that I'd been somewhat turtling/hermitting myself (true) this week, and that the only time I'd heard from him recently was this dinner invite (also true). He admits that the final is true, that he hermits sometimes too and whatnot, and that he was just wanting to be careful because with all of his recent discoveries of his emotions or whatever that he was feeling kinda vulnerable, but he thought that if I really did want him to go away, I would be able to say so.

Now, my way isn't that clear, at least not until I feel the express need for it to be. I just can't be that direct usually. However, at the same time, it's very very tempting. :P

Finally, he took a bit of a jibe at me, saying that friendship means actually spending time with your friends and all this, and that if I had things I wanted to talk about (he was going off my MSN name for that one), I was perfectly welcome to discuss them with him.

!!!

!!!

Read over my post from October 29th, okay? Seriously. Am I going to talk to someone who chastises me and patronizes me for choosing a path that was different than his? Am I going to talk to someone who admits that his "feelings" for me influence his every thought and bit of advice? Am I going to talk to someone who takes friggin' forever to get out a simple sentence -- one that often consists of chastising or patronizing me?

Argh!

Especially not someone that wants to hear all of my deep and dirty secrets, but not open up to me in return. That's not what a friendship is, I'm sorry. :P At least, not one I want to maintain.

*sigh* So after I got him off the phone, I went online very briefly and then went to bed. Excitement is my middle name.

Anyhow, lunchtime is over and I have to run, but I'm going to close with this: I don't, as a rule, screen calls. If I'm out with friends and my cell rings, I'll check who's calling to determine if I should answer it or not, but other than that, if a phone rings, I'm just excited someone wants to talk to me. :P But I think for the next little bit, I must just start doing that, for his own sake. :P

Two fun games. First, Internet tennis.
Second, burn shit!

This is how bored/unwell I am today: I actually filled out one of these stupid quiz things for the first time, ever. I tried to make it funny, at least.

1. What is your name? Jennifer something unpronounceable. Don’t call me Jennifer.
2. How old are you? 23
3.What is your favorite color? Blue
4. What is your favorite food? Erm, chicken or chocolate. Not together.
5. Where would you like to be right now? At home, or someplace warm and sunny
6. What color underwear do you have on? Purple and grey sparkley
7. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No, and I cry about it all the time. Okay, I don’t.
8. Did you know you can't lick your elbow? Yeah, and you can’t bite your ear.
9. My note – where’s question nine?
10. What is your stripper name? (1st pet’s name and mother maiden name) I’ve always heard it’s first pet’s name and first street on which you lived (at least for porn): So that would make me either Sookie Conley or Sookie Sedgwick (which I prefer)
11.Where do you live? At work. :(
12. What is your phone number? A series of digits. Call my cell first.
13. Who is your best friend? I have a bunch of them. I love and hate you all. :)
14. What is your favorite thing to say? Depends on my mood, but I guess either “that’s okay, you’re pretty” or “fuck off and leave me alone.”
15. Do you have any nicknames? Jen, Shorty, sometimes Kitten. People aren’t very creative.
16.What is your favorite alcoholic drink? I guess Smirnoff Ice or Fuzzy Navels. Chocolate martinis are pretty sweet.
17.What did you do today? Work. Later maybe some television, crafts, reading and the gym.
18.Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Not the last time I checked.
19. Have you ever been in love? Unfortunately.
20.Night or Morning? Night. I hate mornings, especially when they happen early.
21. White or black? Black.
22. Dog or Cat? *checks tattoos* Cat, I guess.
23. Sushi or steak? Steak. Fish are meant to be alive and plotting my death.
24.Vodka or Rum? Vodka all the way, my friends.
25. Say something nice about the person who sent you this. Dan’s not as gay as people think..
26. Who is most likely to reply? Meh.
27.Who is least likely to reply? I repeat: meh.
28. Do you smoke cigarettes? Nope.
29. Do you smoke the dope? On occasion, especially when drinking. Then I go to sleep.

From now on, I'm using this for all my singing needs. :)

Take out your Christmas rage! (My coworker diagnosed me with this just recently.

And I agree with Dave Barry, this headline is just awful.

For the boys.

Oh yes, a link-filled update! Aren't these *fun*! Especially since I stole them all from Dave Barry's site. ;)

Tee hee:

Okay, shorter post: saw the Looney Tunes movie with Ben tonight and I enjoyed it. Lots of in-jokes for people who watch both new and especially old cartoons, which I appreciated.

Went into the bookstore and saw E -- he actually waited on Ben, and E and I chatted a bit at the till. Surprisingly less awkward than I would've thought (although I think Ben was a good buffer), so I finally got up the balls to email him and send him my apologies tonight. We'll see if anything comes of it.

Work was decent, had stuff to do, so that was a nice change. It's a weird kind of different busy than I'm used to. It may not seem or look like much, but there can be a lot there. I guess I'm adapting or something. :P

Otherwise, not too much. I spent a bunch of money on craft stuff at Lewiscraft, so the next few nights might be occupied with that kind of thing, unless I get random phone calls that tell me someone's coming over to drag me off somewhere. :)

Anyhow, tomorrow's the gym and I didn't nap tonight, so I gotta get my butt to bed. Such an exciting life, I just don't know I can stand it. ;)

Updating in short bursts.

I found this ad awhile ago, and for some reason or another, at the time it greatly amused me. I'm writing it exactly as it appeared wherever I saw it (I think it was a sandwich board on the road somewhere, or a billboard):

Hello, I'm Pete... I spray a liquid product onto the outside of the house that sticks on and keeps the bugs away. SPIDERS, ANTS AND YES, MOSQUITOS TOO!

I also get rid of WEEDS.

I do this only once a year and it lasts.

That means less pesticide and less costly: residential and commercial from $60.

---
I think it was the capitalization and the bold that amused me at the time. Anyhow, I'm going through my little notebook and cleaning out some of the pages, which means posting some things I've written down in there over time.

One of my favourite quotes is a Souza quote that I'm sure many of you have heard:

Dance as though no one is watching you
Love as though you have never been hurt before
Sing as though no one can hear you,
Live as though heaven is on earth.

I think it's nice, even if I'm often too self-conscious to follow it.

Hrm... a few quotes that I can't remember if I posted or not:

* God doesn't hate it [gay sex] if they're young. How else are they going to have sex?
* When they're that young, they don't need to kneel, just bend over.
* Though shalt D.P. whenever possible. [A porn commandment]
* They have some kind of pre-esque device.

I think the first two or three have been posted, but just to be sure... I really have to update that quotes page. And the WB archives. :P

Something I found out of some flyer or aboriginal newspaper or something that I thought was rather pretty:

A Poem for the Grieving, by Anonymous
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die...
---

What else? Well, I slept fairly poorly this weekend, last night especially. It was my fault, last night -- I fiddled with the thermostat in an attempt to get the heat up and running again, and I wound up turning the place into a sauna. Or so it felt when I was trying to sleep.

When I'm warm, I dream, probably because I'm not sleeping as deeply as I ought to be. Well, last night's dreams were not happy ones: the first one had me dreaming that there was something wrong with Digger. I don't know what it was, but the vet's solution was to drain out most of his blood so that he would later die. Humane, no? Anyhow, in my dream I was the one that was there when he died (because I wouldn't leave his side), and I had some line from a song or a poem running through my head, something about the life leaving his body with his last breath (it was more profound in my dream), and I woke up a couple of times from that dream crying.

Of course, when I tried to get back to sleep, I kept thinking about the dream and it upset me again. So I went and got Paws, my security-bear (I never really had a security blanket, I had Paws. My aunt made him for me for my first Christmas, and I've always had him and slept with him up until I was 14 or something, and every now and then when I have a really bad night I still sleep with him and you can shut up and stop making fun of me right now) and went back to sleep.

Only to dream that I was at work, and every element on the touch screen kept firing everything and there wasn't anything I could do (or was doing), and that was fairly stressful, needless to say.

So I got out of bed around 10:30 or something and found that yes, in fact, my Internet access was back up and running, so I caught up on websites again. Then a bit later I called my mom to make sure that Digger was fine (which I knew, but wanted to hear the reassurance anyhow), and I chatted a bit with her about the household and Christmas plans, and that was that.

I went grocery shopping today, and I really really need to learn moderation. *sigh* I brought my backpack, thinking I'd only be buying about a dozen items or so, and I managed to spend almost $90 and totally overload myself. Urgh. Got that all home and put away, and then I started putting away some other things around the place, including doing my dishes, sent some email, then headed into work after picking up some Quizno's for lunch and dinner. For my Quizno's dinner I bought a salad, and they didn't give me a fork. So my dinner has been the crumbled bacon they included with the salad, which is the equivalent of about two slices in total. Bacon on its own just isn't that great. :P

Phew, my life is so exciting I can hardly sit still. :)

Last night I watched Dreamcatcher with Gord, Shawn and Jacob, and it started out kinda arty and intriguing, and then there were aliens and it was weird. Someone mentioned it was an adaptation of a Stephen King novel, and then it made sense. In the way that Stephen King makes sense. It was interesting, although I liked it better before the aliens came about. Ah well.

I've been kinda up in my head a fair bit lately, as evidenced by my last big update. It seems to be PMS related this time around, since as the days pass it improves somewhat. I'm just trying to keep from inflicting myself on anyone too much, lest I upset them too greatly. In contrast, it's been fun getting out of the house and hanging out with people, since that seems to help change my mood.

Anyhow, I should wrap this up now, since it's already long enough. I'm just praying that the night wraps up quickly. I'm *bored* and I really want some time off. *sigh*

New article.

From IMDB for X2:
"On the Tonight Show, Hugh Jackman related a story that happened during the filming of the Weapon X flashback scene: while he was filming the corridor run (in which he is nude and backlit), he turned the corner and saw the female cast members, including James Marsden's mother, waiting for him, hooting and waving dollar bills."

Who wouldn't? I mean, c'mon!

Fucking Blogger just lost the post I was working on. *sigh* Okay, here we go:

Tuesday - Thursday: Attended an Inuit Awareness Workshop (optional). Tuesday ate raw, frozen caribou meat. Willingly. Did not really enjoy it, especially later in the day. Went to the gym, got a phone call from N, everyone was assembling at R and (female) N's place for movies. Went, was just the four of us, watched X2. Friends who work at movie stores get advantages. :) Good times, went home.

Wednesday: Exhausted and vaguely sick. Got all the way to the location of the training course, but had already made up mind not to attend. Turned around and went home, watched videos and such before sleeping for about two hours. Went to S and N's place for craft night, worked on a cross stitch and chatted. Went home.

Thursday: Final day of workshop. Learned about Inuktitut (the language spoken by the Inuit) and learned some small phrases. Had a feast of country foods, which consisted of a lot of fish, some boiled and raw beluga (the name of which is phonetically somewhere around mocktock), dried caribou, and caribou stew. I ate a small amount of the stew and a lot of vegetables; I don't touch fish and I wanted to be careful with my poor stomach. Went home and felt in a really bad mood, went to the gym and felt much better afterwards. Came home and settled down to dishes, watching the shows I'd taped Wednesday night, and just relaxing. Internet access died sometime before I went to bed that night.

Friday: Went back to work, came home and relaxed on the couch. Made some Kraft Dinner (which didn't taste good), and was just settling in to bad t.v. when N called, telling me everyone was assembling at JW and AM's place. Excellent, I was in the mood for socializing.

Oh, I should point out here that both nights, N told me that he needed to kill some time before it was the appointed assembling hour. I bugged him about that last night, that he was just using me and my place for killing time.

Anyhow, as N was over, the fridge started up its groan of death. I'd told him about it before -- the fridge gremlins and their hatred for life, etc. Well, last night it annoyed him enough that we hauled the fridge out, rescued the pans, and discovered two things:
1) There are no sentient or non-sentient beings living behind my fridge, which is good.
2) That there was a terracotta flower pot and a mystery bag of whitish powder behind my fridge. That I didn't put there.

So, once enough time had passed, we grabbed Twister (N had said we were supposed to bring something to do -- I found out later that when he'd been told, "Bring something to do" he said, "Okay, I'll bring Jen" -- jerkface), the pot and the mystery powder, and headed over.

Lots of people showed up, Ben phoned and I dragged him over, and there was much hanging out and talking. We played several rounds of Twister; of the two games I played, I won one and then conceded the second (it was just N and I at that point). JW asked everyone to leave around 1:30, and S and N drove me home and I puttered about.

D and I talked for about an hour on the phone, and then I went to bed. There's been the week in review.

For now, I'm off to eat some more and do random things. Later. :)

Strong Bad is my hero.

Watch through the whole thing then when it puts up the placard at the end, click on the flexed arm. Then keep clicking on the CD to get all the awesomely fantastical cool grammar songs. My hero.

Maybe all I should do is eat some chocolate.

I have been pestered by two people recently to update my site more.

The thing is, I haven't been updating it much for a reason. Namely, any update that I post would run along the same lines: "I hate myself, I feel like crap, I don't enjoy life, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm boring" and so on, and people tend to get annoyed when I post that stuff, so I haven't.

I've been going through a pretty low period lately, and I can't explain it. I said tonight to a friend that I need a boyfriend (although I could probably make do for a bit with a cat); I need someone to show me love and to whom I could show love. I have so much to give, and such a huge mooshy heart, and I don't hand it over easily, and I protect it well, and I really do want to share it with someone.

Someone special and deserving, who'll treat it well. Someone who doesn't imply that I'm a slut, or make me feel bad about myself, or ignore me or treat me like shit. Seems pretty intuitive, doesn't it?

Someone who makes me feel good after talking to them, even if I don't talk about what's on my mind. Someone who is content to hold me and enjoy the feeling of my body against his. Someone who puts up with my annoying moods the same way I do his. :)

I wonder sometimes if I really know what love is. I'm pretty certain that I've felt romantic love a few times in my life, for another person. Love is messy, and leaves you attached to someone long after you want to let go. Love means that even if you don't give that person the ammunition to do it, they can hurt you so easily with just a word. And never know it.

Love is staring at someone longingly and craving them so much and wanting to hold them, even when you're angry with them.

Love is wanting to make that other person happy.

I have problems with power. I have problems handing over my heart to someone, or showing them they can affect me, because then they have power over me.

I don't want him to know he can hurt me. I don't want him to know he has hurt me, unless it means that he'll change his behaviour. I want him back. I want to feel his body against mine, I want to make him laugh and hear him talk about his interests and hold him and touch him and look into his eyes and feel loved.

Who's him?

I want what I can't have. That's always been how it goes for me. Being dumped makes the longing that much harder to bear. That's why I often end things first; I might still want, but at least I know it's because it's not what I can't have. It's because I still care.

I care too easily, too much, and for too long afterwards. I have to hide that I care, otherwise I get hurt. I get hurt a lot, but no one ever sees it. No one ever knows, because I do my best to avoid crying in front of others. I hide in my room and sob and no one ever hears it, or if they do, they leave me alone.

I want so much for someone for me, someone for just me who wants just me, who doesn't want to explore the field or be with others. I want someone that I want for just me. I want to know that that someone is just for me and is there to rub my back or hold me or bring me a glass of milk or share my bed. I want to look at someone when they say, "I love you," and know they mean it with everything. I want to look at someone and say, "I love you," and have it be forever.

I want to make a life with someone, or at least share my life with someone. Someone who can tough everything out, who can make it work, who is strong enough to be there for me and need me in return.

I want someone who won't keep hurting me, who won't use me and my emotions. I want someone who can realize just how much I feel when I say what I feel, who realizes how much pent-up emotion, how strong that emotion is. Not someone who just says the words, not someone who only sorta feels it, not someone who's only with me because I'm convenient.

I want someone who wants me the way I want him.

Who's him?

The common question lately:

So, uh... you getting any? Involved with anyone?

When was the last time anyone fucked someone because they were smart?

Brains are sexy, too, my ass. :P