Sorry, to clarify: the ex- slept with his girlfriend. Left me feeling rather upset, namely because I felt like he'd totally misled me. However, I don't want to talk about that. I'm going to post up the blog that I wrote on Thursday in my two classes.

First, however... just finished reading a good article on Non-Mainstream Body Modification, by James Myers. The full title for the article is "Nonmainstream Body Modification: Genital Piercing, Branding, Burning, and Cutting." Don't worry, it's not genital branding or genital burning. ;) It's from the Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, Vol. 21, No. 3, October 1992 pp 267-302, Sage Publications. It's pretty well done, considering the author describes procedures in such a way as you don't feel sickened, it's not horribly graphic. The other thing is that he is completely non-judgemental, and almost seems to be trying to dissuade critics from judging the people who do engage in such activities.

Also, the BBQ Chicken pizza from Little Caesars is quite tasty. :)

Oh yeah... went and saw Bowser and Blue last night. Great fun; I was able to pick up a few of their CDs that I don't have, and I even got one signed! Yay, funny! :)

Anyhow, on to the post (which touches on stuff I'd said I wanted to write about last week):

Now that I want to write, my brain is frozen.

My growing nails kinda dig into my palm when I hold my pen and it feels weird.

My stomach feels blah. I think the greasy pizza (from the Pizza Pizza on campus) was a bad idea. Uck.

I went out a couple of weeks ago with the coworker, one of his roommate, and another guy from work, someone about my age. He'd had some personal problems, so he needed a partying night, and he really had one. :) We were dancing together at one point, and he was grinding against me a bit (he'd turned me so that I was grinding into him for awhile)...nothing really dirty, but I noticed it. I like him; he's a cutie. :)

Speaking of cuties (read: hotties), the band, two members in particular, were drool-worthy... lick-worthy. In spades. :) One was blond, with medium-length curly hair, and the other guy had short, short black hair and a nicely-kept goatee. I was watching these guys and just fantasizing a bit (and getting turned on, with the assistance of alcohol), and then after awhile I started getting grumpy/disappointed because they never looked over in my direction. At one point, I was sitting withint arm's reach of the blond hottie (during a break), and he never even looked over in my direction. I started thinking to myself, "Oh, it doesn't matter, they wouldn't like me anyways, I have a fat body and piercings and therea re so many more attractive girls here anyways..." and basically depressed myself. I do that a fair bit sometimes; talk myself into being depressed, or convincing myself that I'm unattractive, and/or useless. It's a self defeatist attitude, and I'm trying to change it. I can't help but think that losing some weight would help my attitude, but I also feel it should come from within, not just an external change. I think it's because I've read so much stuff about how people with a really bad self-image will always find something that they hate about themselves to focus on... like if I lost weight and got happy with my size, I'd find something else to focus on and hate about myself.

I started writing something earlier about my body:

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I like what I see. I look at my hair and admire its body, shine and colour. I look at my eyes, and I like their size, shape, and colour. I look at my face as a whole and think of how it works well as a whole.

I might look at how my earrings peek from behind my hair (one hole in each ear), and admire that for a second or two.

I'll move down from my face to my chest, look at the swells of my breasts, and where they sit on my chest. Sometimes I'll push them together to create cleavage, or lift them up to look at the little freckle underneath one. I'll trace the area where the underneath of my breasts meets my torso, and feel the warmed skin. I'll look at my nipples, and see the pinkness of them against the whiteness of my skin. I like the size of my nipples, their colour, and their sensitivity. They do not repond well to being pinched or pulled, but if they are played with nicely, they can stand to be stimulated for long periods of time.

Sometimes I wish I had larger breasts. I used to more often, but I read a book last summer that was entitled Breasts, and I determined that I have average-sized breasts. They have been described as perfect by a few people, from both people who have and have not seen them naked. They are a handful; soft, perky, and I like them.

My waist, hips and thighs bother me, but less so when I am standing, facing a mirror than when I am sideways or crouching or kneeling. My hope is that this summer I reall do work out and tone up. I think it will become a goal for me.

My legs are okay. They carry a little too much weight now, and one ankle sports a tattoo. I used to be very proud of my legs (and my ex- was really into them, which I loved), but I don't really give them much thought anymore, especially as it's winter (and last summer was quite cold) and I'm rarely sans socks, which shorten and thicken my legs.

I tend not to look much at my feet, but I like them; they're cute. My forearms are okay as well, but thin and freckly (which doesn't bother me). I'm not fond of my fingers, I find them stocky, but they don't bother me too much.

My entire body is quite pale, year round. I don't get much time outside, regardless of the weather, mainly because I work indoors during the day.

Overall, my perusal leaves me feeling good at times, and disappointed other times. I'm hoping to move myself to the point where I am spending more time pleased than displeased.

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