Today is one of those days that just drags on and on. It's difficult in a new position, where you don't always know how to fill your days -- or you don't always have enough to fill them -- and you feel as though your time would be better served elsewhere, studying or reading or cleaning or sleeping or exercising or whatever. Instead I'm just making plans for things to buy after work -- some more wool for some projects I'm doing and hoping to take with me to Vegas, and possibly some exercise equipment.

It's funny how set in my ways I can be on some things. I first noticed this several years ago when I moved out on my own -- sure, my place was cluttered and untidy, but I knew where everything was, and I got irritated with my then-boyfriend when he'd leave cupboards open, or stuff in places where it didn't belong.

In my second place, I got irritated with my then-boyfriend (he of Smooshy fame) for leaving dishes anywhere and everywhere in my apartment, or not cleaning up after himself, and so on. Again, sure, my place was cluttered and somewhat dirty, but at least I knew where to find things and I didn't have to worry about cats getting into dirty dishes or whatnot. I felt for his roommates; he'd leave pots, pans or whatever in his room for ages at a time, and I'm not sure how often he washed his sheets -- what *is* it with guys and not changing their bed sheets?

Anyhow, here I am in my third place, and officially leaving with someone, as in both of our names on the bills (well, wherever they allow this -- fucked up systems for some billing places), the lease, and an apparently equal division of labour, and I still have to restrain myself from taking over some tasks because I believe my way is the right way. The best part about him is that he feels that his way is the right way, so he can be just as stubborn as I about things and believe it or not, I like that.

I like someone who will stand up to me and stand up for himself. It's so refreshing to be sharing in the responsibilities and the power, because I know that I can have a steamroller personality (I've admitted as much many times on here), and I need someone that will tell me if I'm being unfair or selfish or whatever -- and he's never done any of that, because we compromise.

That said, I'm now responsible for laundry, which is how I want it. It means I have to do it a bit more often because he has fewer clothes than I (shut up, he wears a uniform 5-7 days a week, I don't), but that's fine. I'm just bad at folding/putting it away, but I don't usually fold his.

I do the bulk of the cooking, which I usually don't mind, and we take turns buying that day's groceries. It can be frustrating at times though when I'm waiting on him to cook or it's his day off so he doesn't want to go to the store and wants me to go for him -- then I can get resentful.

But again, compromise comes into play. I'm not easy to live with, and I know that; I leave things lying around a lot (because then I know where to find them again!), and I don't do the dishes the instant I dirty them (not that he does that nearly as much anymore), and I have a thousand different kinds of lotions, body washes, hair care products and books. He thinks I have too much stuff, I think he can be wasteful when it comes to food (rarely eats leftovers, bread products are often left to go bad, have thrown out meat because he didn't freeze it or cook it in time).

I get cranky when he claims I don't do something just because he doesn't notice it -- like cleaning the bathtub, which gets full of cat hair because the cats like to drink water out of it or go through it to get into the window. Or when he says I never use up the assorted hair care products or whatever that I have on hand. I have skin issues that require experimenting for what works best, and rotation based on the season and so on. I'd love to use the same thing year-round.

But hey, that's what relationships are about. As I said to K and H a few weeks ago, it's been in this relationship that I finally understood how you can be furious or insanely frustrated with someone, yet still want them around and all of that. Or maybe I'm just passive-aggressive. But it's also been the first relationship I can remember where I wasn't making a list in the back of my head of all the 'can't accept this' behaviours that eventually reaches the 'time to break up' cut-off point. It could be just because I'm growing, but I like to think it's because I'm dating someone right for me, despite his faults and frustrations.

I've certainly never felt inclined to hit him with my shoe, like with the previous guy, even when he's been driving me nuts. I just give his crabby right back at him.

Anyhow, none of this is especially important or driven by anything, just me musing and reflecting for the sake of it -- and trying to keep myself from stuffing my face. I've been feeling off the last few days, and I'm wondering if perhaps my blood sugar is out of whack.

Time for a bit more granola, I think... and only about 20 minutes until I get to go.


Well, nuts to you former manager, but my promotion came through and is official as of July 17th (yeah, I'm slow at updating).

You know what this means? This means that someone who met me once, for a 20-minute interview, was willing to make more concessions than someone who managed me for nearly 3 years (about 6 months of that was under the useless twit). I had another interview within my former organization at the same time, where they were willing to send me for french training to get my oral french up to C level -- another concession I know would never have crossed your mind in a million years, especially as I had coworkers who couldn't get sent for training despite having been on the list for years.

It's so nice to work for someone consistent and rational, someone whose decisions last longer than it takes one to fart.

Anyhow, enough about work, I have four days of work left until I'm on vacation. The DB and I are going to visit his folks for a day or two, then drive to Toronto to fly to Vegas. Yes, this trip has been announced to all and sundry for quite some time, and no, we're not going to get married -- or if we are, it's news to me. A friend of the DB's is getting married on 08/08/08, and we were invited, so we're making a roughly 5-day trip out of it.

We're staying at the Flamingo, and I was checking out the hotel online; there's a spa, a wildlife section, a pool, and a gym, so it sounds pretty good to me. You can even rent cabanas to watch tv by the pool at roughly $150/pop -- I don't understand why you'd bother, but what do I know about luxury?

I'm just looking forward to getting away. Last week was a long, brutal one, and isn't the norm for a lowly peon like myself. I'm sure there will be more of them, but it's still draining, especially when you're not really expecting it. I did have a nice mani/pedi session with K on the Monday, and though I destroyed my manicure before evening leaving the salon, it was nice at least to have a professional shape my nails for me, a task to which I am ill-suited. I make a terrible girl.

I'm stressed about school and finances, which is nothing new. My finances are in decent shape, it's not as though I'm going broke, but I do still have at least one more semester of school to pay for, and I have my bike insurance now due. Fortunately I was able to save some of my tax return to cover it -- despite the DB's attempts to spend it.

As for school, I sent in my revised paper proposal, I got comments back, I haven't read them yet. Much like checking my bank balance, I figure what I don't know can't hurt me. I never thought I'd grow up to be in denial to this extent, but there you have it. I'm a chicken.

I'm also fairly boring, though I do often think about things to post. Some of my friends are getting to be more active again in their posting, so I figure I should do the same, especially when I have friends tell me they like to read what I write because I'm blunt and honest.

I had a post on my LJ (pretty much tied to my last emo post here) that prompted a girly session a few weeks ago, which was nice and supportive. The long and short of it is that there's often stuff I don't post here because I don't want to admit to people that something's wrong, or that something's upsetting me, either because I don't want to colour how they view things, or because I don't want to admit to something that feels like failure to me, even if rationally I know it isn't.


Yesterday, I worked from 8:00 a.m. until 5:15, was getting emails on my blackberry until 7, and responded to emails until about 7:30 (I was only able to get to them as of about 7, and I only responded to a few).

Today, I was in at 8, and it's now 10 to 7 and I'm about to leave. I like being busy, but... wow. :D


I really wish I could turn off this over-analytical, paranoid mind of mine sometime. I suspect I’d be happier and better rested.

I also wish I could stick to goals I set, be they completing a knitting project, exercising more, reading for school, writing or even cleaning. At least I got through all the laundry on the weekend – so long as folding it doesn’t count.

In other news, my appointment has been posted, and barring any objections between here and the end of the week, I will have (FINALLY) been promoted. It may not be the prompt ‘nuts to you’ I had been hoping for, but it’s better than nothing – and it certainly never would have happened in my past role.

I have to say, it can be very challenging dating someone who feels that talking about an issue once or twice is sufficient, even if it’s a problem – at least for one of you – that seems to come up semi-regularly (or at least, that’s when I end up obsessing about it). There are times I don’t even bother raising my concerns anymore because I’m fairly certain all I’ll get is a “we’ve talked about this before” in response, which admittedly is a fair response, even if it doesn’t resolve anything more.

Sure, life would be easier if I just learned to let go and stop over-thinking things, but I don’t want to be unhappy, and I don’t want to go around in a delusional state thinking everything is fine until one day it’s not and it’s simply too late. So, where’s the middle ground?

Maybe it really is with therapy, like my gf M suggested, and which I’ve also considered. Goodness knows I don’t know how else to express myself, or if there are other ways of looking at it that I haven’t considered. I see things from my perspective, so automatically I’m biased. And I’m frustrated, because part of me doesn’t want to acknowledge that this is frustrating and making me unhappy, or tell others that there are problems. I also get frustrated that I have friends who’ve said in the past, “we should all be able to talk about this stuff, so that we might be able to help one another,” yet it seems as though any attempts I’ve made to bring up the subject go nowhere. And I’m sorry, but I’m not willing to have one-sided conversations of that nature – I feel there should be balance, and it should be equal or relatively equal sharing, not just me off-loading and that’s that. After all, I have the internet ether for that.

And I’m continuously frustrated by the state of my body. I am fat, and I don’t like the way I look naked, and I can’t help but think that I’m not the only one that feels that way (although I don’t think I’ve actually gained much if any weight in the last year, so yay at least on that). I keep making resolutions, and I don’t think I’m eating *that* poorly – I make a fruit smoothie for breakfast most mornings, and I often have celery and peanut butter as my afternoon snack (though I forgot to pack it this morning). I’m trying to snack on melba toasts and other reasonable snacks when I am hungry, and I know, I need more vegetables.

I also need to get moving, and I think I just need to get out of the house and get me time, so that’s what I’m going to be trying to do. I can mope about and feel the way I’ve been feeling, or I can try to do something about it, and I’m choosing the second option. I just wish I didn’t feel … all of this.


Happy Canada Day my peeps!