Just got an email from her ex-boyfriend saying he agrees with me, as would many of her friends. That's not territory I want to get into. :P


My sister. Big surprise.

Sometimes I just want to rant and rail at her and ask her when she's going to get off her big fucking lazy ass and do something that isn't completely self-serving.

For example:

I have seen her empty the roll of toilet paper, or damn near, and go walk in and place another roll on the back of the toilet instead of actually changing it. I would have figured at the advanced fucking age of 19 that she'd understand the physics of the damn toilet paper roll holder, it being a simple spring and all that I figured out around the time I was oh, five or six.

Oh wait, I forgot her science marks are poo. Sorry.

Hmm... what else? Well, that annoying little 'dot' that sometimes women leave behind on the toilet seat... common courtesy to wipe it up, no? Oh wait, not common around my sister's area!

Next? Filling up the fucking cat food container when she's the last damn person to feed them. And when she feeds them, how about giving the poor dears a little water?!

Fer chrissakes. I didn't realize that a pair of intelligent adult units who churned out one intelligent child (me, if I can be honest and vain for a few seconds) could crank out one blazingly selfish stupid moron.

Okay, so I'm hyperbolistic for a bit, but indulge me. I haven't ranted or written for awhile, so I have some creative wordplay stored up. And I haven't even begun to rant about men yet. :P


I watched an episode of CSI (Crime Scene Investigators?) this evening that my sister had on tape. There were, as usual, two mysteries going on that people were trying to solve. One involved an old woman who lived alone with 21 cats. The woman had been killed and there were, obviously, trying to figure out who had done it, and the writers of the show, probably understanding human nature, explain usually along with it, why it was done.

(SPOILER AHEAD -- this is the warning to those of you who might be seeing this episode soon and don't know the ending already.)

There were two little girls living at a house across the street. Their mother had said that they could have one of the cats if the lady agreed to give one to them, and the mother knew that this would never happen. When the girls were confessing to the crime, they originally told it as if their mother had taken the cat and killed the lady, then it turned out that it was one of the girls... she was a good actress, 'cause I found myself hating her character's little spoiled bitchy guts.

What struck me about the episode, and what I keep running over in my head, is the actress playing the old woman. When the characters were shown taking the cat from her arms, she was saying how they (both the mother and the little girl in each flashback) couldn't have a cat because they were here babies, her children. They showed a similar scene earlier in the episode when she was having an argument with a neighbour over the conditions in which the cats were kept. People in shows who have large numbers of cats or dogs always have them in squalid conditions, an unfair stereotype, but off topic.

Anyhow, what struck me about the old woman's plight was just that I understood the despair she'd feel at the idea of someone taking away even one of her babies. Sure, you'd think that with 21 cats she wouldn't miss one, but it's not the quantity of the relationships, it's the quality, and the individuality associated with each one. Each cat would have a special characteristic, trait, or personality quirk that she would feel attached to, and as a result, losing even one of them would be really painful. I guess maybe it has to do with having lost Chloe so recently or something. I'm not sure. I'm not even sure I'm explaining this properly, but it's just resounding in my head and I wanted to try to talk about it while I was still feeling it.

It's pretty late/early, and although I had a nap this evening during the hockey game, I know I should try to get some sleep soonish. I want to finish my book, and I'll try to write tomorrow. I keep feeling guilty for reading, and then I remember that I don't have to worry about putting off papers or whatever, 'cause I don't have any more to write! At least not until summer school starts. :) Ah well, it'll be a breeze... I hope. *sigh*
Jubilation Lee
I'm Jubilation Lee
What X-Men Character are You?

I like these quizzes. :)


Me so seepy. :( At least the paper is done, just gotta go downtown and hand it in, and then I'm done until... oh, wait, Wednesday, when summer classes begin! Argh.

Which reminds me, gotta pay for that soon.

Taking a shiatsu massage course next weekend, that should be kinda cool. :)

Anyhow, time to run... gotta get showered and woken up so I can get moving. *sigh* I wanna go back to sleep. :(


I went to get some new jewelry for my most recent piercing yesterday. Turns out that 12-gauge wire is an American wire, and isn't easily obtained here -- the cost to make jewelry out of it would be rather prohibitive. So, the place I go to (Classic II, love them!), is having it ordered from a place out in Vancouver... which, consequently doesn't have it in stock either, so they are custom-making me two D-rings and sending them over. I cause trouble all across the country! :)

Ian, the piercer, said that since the main part of a D-ring is flat, it should even out the crookedness of the piercing (which currently sits at an angle), and that that tissue can be adjusted for quite some time. He also said that his anaesthetic is totally effective on cartiledge, so I figure eventually I'll get the one in my upper ear, which I think looks just so cool and pretty.

The coworker drove me home last night, 'cause he finished up work really early, so instead of bussing home (as I needed to get home to work on a paper), I waited. I felt all unsettled and jittery when I got home, so I wandered over to the pizza place and hung out with pizza guy. I told him about my 'great revelation,' which he kinda made fun of me for, but with cause... it was a revelation that I should have come to a long time ago, and it just kinda went to show me how bad my body image actually is, which sucks. I'll write about it more when I flesh it out later, which I've been trying to do for a bit. I have a book now that I carry around to try to write blogs in, or essays... I have about four different journals that I write in now. :P :)

Anyhow, gotta get running... gotta have a shower and I want to get over to the pizza place for longer than two minutes 'cause I have a question to pose to him... namely, how did he describe our relationship, if not boyfriend/girlfriend? That was a question he put to me awhile back and I had no acceptable answer. Since he was the one that originally said not bf/gf, I'm curious what label he would slap on it. Also need to spend some time with Digger, who needs a good brushing and is apparently seeming neglected.

Maybe if I start posting nudie pics or pics of my piercings, I can get the same kind of hits that Di gets. ;)


Jen, you're most turned on by Physical-Environment

Did you know?

People who are equally turned on by a person's physical appearance and environmental factors are often more aroused by the idea of someone, rather than the reality.

Which "Friend" Are You?

Jen, you've got a little bit of Monica going on!

Mon! You're the normal one, honey, in the best way possible. You're caring, you're responsible, you look to the future—what a gem. Wait a second, did you just start editing for grammar mistakes in the middle of reading your own compliments?

Ok, so you like things, well, the way you like them. But even when you're smiling through clenched teeth, waiting for everyone else to get with the program, deep down, you're really still smiling. You're just waiting for that impatient moment to pass.

When it comes right down to it, you are thoughtful, meticulous, and good at what you do. As for romance, you can be a little picky and want things to be just-so. We wouldn't expect anything less. And like the original Monica, if you can avoid rushing into things, you'll find the right match and all the happiness your sweet, finicky, heart deserves.
Okay, I was working on writing something today at work, but it's not really done and it's not really going anywhere. I'm percolating some stuff, but I have to put it kinda aside (and kinda not really) for those damn final papers that are still pending. I'm hoping to get the Friday paper done by Thursday so I can hand them in and not have to worry, but I also don't work Thursday, so I could use the whole day (minus exam and paper-handing in time) to write Friday's paper. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I'm off to bed. I want to have a full day available to me tomorrow if I can.
Jen, you get equally turned on by physical appearance and environment

People who are equally turned on by a person's physical appearance and environmental factors will often find someone more, or less, attractive depending on the situation or environment.

When you get turned on, it's purely physiological — you simply can't help it. It's involuntary and seems to happen out of nowhere, but rest assured, it's definitely not random. There are reasons you react the way you do around certain people and this report will help you understand the who, what and why behind that.

Relative to other people, your test scores indicate that you're turned on primarily by a man's personality. This doesn't mean his looks or other attributes aren't important — they most definitely are. But chances are that unless he has a rich inner life, you won't feel that initial spark of desire.

This is because what you want most of all is a deep psychological connection.

Being personality-driven has a certain vulnerability attached to it since it forces you to share a part of yourself as well. It also implies that you value meaningful connections requiring some emotional investment — you simply aren't satisfied with light and surface relationships.

This attraction has some major advantages. Being turned on by traits you value and want in a person will not only reel you in for the short term, but it can set you up for the long term. You appreciate those characteristics that actually improve as time goes on....

Report continues...


Your emotional investment can be measured by two factors, intensity and variety.

Intensity measures how much you let someone who turns you on get to you. How deep are your feelings towards people? Do you get swept away thinking about the object of your desire? The extreme end of this spectrum is obsession — people who actually lose sight of anything but the person they've fixated on. But for the most part, by "intensity," we're simply referring to how emotionally invested you tend to get with each and every crush.

Variety measures how many people — and how many types of people — you allow get to you. Do you find yourself attracted to people left and right? Are all kinds of people turning your head or are you more selective? Do you see your romantic potentials swimming in a huge sea or a small pond?

Based on what you told Emode in your test, here's how you scored:

You are surprisingly balanced in these two areas. In other words, you go as deep as you go wide — the energy you put into attractions sits right in the middle of the two extremes. This is a good combo since you aren't invested enough to be a total obsessive and you're selective enough that you're not attracted to everything walking by. Even with a fortunate situation like this, however, you're not a superhero who's immune to lust. Don't be surprised if the balance tips every now and again! ...

Report continues...


You're not alone in the world. Take a look at how other test takers answered questions about what turns them on — hopefully, they'll give you a sense that other people get turned on by similar things you do.

I can't enjoy sex with someone who isn't my intellectual equal.

[graph removed]


What Goddess Archetype are you?

APRIL What? Done?
The 2nd Register for fall/winter semester YES!
The 8th Qualitative Methods presentations (group) YES!
The 8th Qualitative Methods take-home due YES!
The 9th Culture jamming project due (advertising) YES!
The 11th Group dynamics presentation YES!
The 11th Final reflection paper due (last day) YES!
The 11th Negotiation assignment due YES!
The 11th Negotiation assignment due YES!
The 16th Media Industries due before noon YES!
The 17th Media Industries presentation (long story) YES!
The 22th Ad techniques midterm due (take-home) YES!
The 25th Group dynamics paper due (10-12 pages) (group) YES!
The 25th Qualitative methods midterm (what's the point?!) YES!
The 26th Negotiation take-home due (take-home) YES!

Okay, went out with a couple of the security guards after work for a few drinks. I'm still drunk. It was a fun time, though. I'm glad I went. :)

Beddy bye times for me. Updates later. :)


Need to go to sleep, but not tired.... lalalalala.... happy and wired and happy and lalalalalala.... play some cards (I like Spider Solitaire, and I found a free comprehensive version, lots of other versions to play too)... then go to bed. Wheee!

Try to write a paper tomorrow so I can get started on another one (group paper). Argh! Le suckage. But still a happy mood. :)


Today is going to be a good and beautiful and lazy day. I'm redyeing my hair right now, so we'll go back to the dark for a bit... again not permanent. I'm not sure if I got the same colour as last time or not, so we'll see how it works out.

Today is going to be a naked day, with a nice facial, go hang out outside with the cats and a good book and just relax. Maybe I'll get around to work on a paper or cleaning my room (before it buries me, which is a distinct possibility), but for now I'm just going to enjoy having slept in nice and late and just relax for a bit. :)

Eesh. First paper is due the 22nd, that means I can't relax *all* weekend... guess that's what Saturday and Sunday night are going to be devoted to. :)

Ah well... relax! :)


For my regular readers (hah!) :)

Be sure to scroll down aways past the quizzes... I have a long post there that might be interesting. :)

which children's storybook character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen


which 80s hair band are you?

this quiz was made by colleen


which 80s hair band are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

# 3

which 80s hair band are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

And there are lots of others, but I'm not posting them. I hate when quizzes give you multiple reponses :P

which "monty python and the holy grail" character are you?
this quiz was made by colleen

Okay, the work happenings. So there are two guys here that are kinda cute, neither of whom work in radio, like me -- this is good. :) One is T, the other is C. Have had some conversations with T, he doesn't work here that much, he's a quiet one, but pretty smart. When I'm around and he's around, he'll touch me on the back or whatever when he passes me -- he's poked me in the side or something a few times as well. He went over to Rideau Centre one time and asked me to go with him, so that was kinda nice.

He showed up at work on Sunday, which I always work. He works at a local men's shelter, and he came by 'cause he said he didn't want to use the washrooms there. Understandable. :) I was working, hanging around downstairs a bunch 'cause I was bored and the guys downstairs were being entertaining. He came back later, as I was leaving; I don't know if that had anything to do with my presence or not, but hey, it's fun to dream.

The other guy, C... well, on Sunday I was wearing my kitten shirt, and no bra. I just didn't feel like it, and since my breasts are small- to average-sized, I go braless sometimes just for a change. So anyhow, with C... he'll usually say hi to me when I'm around, pat me on the back or something like that. Sunday night, he came out and put an arm around me, then gave me a hug (not a first, I don't think), and was patting my back a bit... then discovers I'm not wearing a bra. He says something like "heyy..." and starts to drag me off to this little hallway area, behind a door. I was laughing, thought it was kinda funny, but I had to get upstairs 'cause I thought I had like, 40 seconds left in my segment. After he released me and I took off upstairs, he was saying something about wanting to see me run or whatever, no big deal.

Then, I tell one of the security guards or someone that I wanted to give him a hug; I figured I'd grab his butt 'cause somehow I thought it would embarrass him. Right. He comes out later and says something like, "Oh, you just want to rub those big, beautiful breasts against me", and gives me a hug and starts kinda moving up and down a bit and rubbing himself against me. I was somewhat surprised by this, and I could tell he was rather enjoying himself... to put it very politely. At one point, he's got his arms around me, and he looks down at my breasts and says something about how they truly are fantastic and whatnot, and I think he said something about how he really liked them -- I thought perhaps he was referring to my nipples being hard, which I figured they would be since I was being rubbed -- and I said something about how I liked his too, referring to his hardon. I figured hey, I'd acknowledge it and see how he reacted. He made some comment about it and adjusted himself a few times.

Let's see... at one point, I kinda lifted one leg up, and he lifted me around his waist, but I slid back down immediately, and managed to ...umm... hook? ... his cap'n happy (hooray for euphemisms). I figured that had to be uncomfortable.

Oh yeah, and at some other point, he was lifting up his shirt somewhat and talking about feeling my breasts skin-to-skin, like against his chest, but I wouldn't. I just gave him a regular hug. Another point when he was hugging me he kept pulling my shirt taught in back, and I don't really know why, what that proved, but ah well.

He said the next day that he wouldn't give me a hug that day 'cause he was wearing pants that were too baggy, and how that wouldn't be good. Then on Tuesday I saw him wearing cords, and asked if I was going to get a hug that day... he said no, 'cause cords were still too baggy. I was at the front desk at one point, and he came and stood behind me and put his arms on other side of me, caging me in, and said that he couldn't hug me when he was wearing cords 'cause walking back into the work area with a hardon would be a bad idea, or something to that effect. One of the ladies at the desk, H, gave me kind of a weird look when he was standing behind me, and I don't know if it was because of her hearing what he said, or just him being around me like that.

Oh yeah, also Sunday night I was making some joking comments about how if I could have that kind of an effect when I was just hugging him, imagine what else I could do, and he just kinda shrugged and made some noise as if to say, "yeah, imagine."

Weird times. The situation itself doesn't bother me, and I have always thought he was cute, but it does bother me that the only time he'd 'notice' me would be after he realized that I had nice breasts. I'd rather, as I have said before, be noticed because I'm smart, attractive, interesting, whatever... not just 'cause of one body part. Ah well. It was entertaining and somewhat flattering, I guess.
Ah, that's a relief and a half. I was a lot less nervous presenting in front of just the prof than I was at presenting in front of the class, but not a bad nervous... I like presenting, as long as I feel confident about my stuff.

I was concerned that what I had contributed to the paper wasn't media-focused enough, that it wasn't intellectual enough -- too advertising, feministy. But the prof said he liked how we had concrete examples to tie to our concepts... so what I was saying was backed up visually, and that was good. Yay me! :)
I promise, there will be an update soon! I just have one more presentation to hand in, then most of my stuff is solo work... well, minus the group dynamics paper, but that shouldn't be *too* difficult, I hope.

Getting together with the pizza guy tomorrow night... we had a nice, honest conversation on Monday -- I finally admitted to some things that I should've a long time ago... no, nothing insiduous, just to do with our sex life, and I'll go into more detail a bit later.

Same deal with the coworker... told him the reason I didn't want to do anything other than sleep at the Christmas party was because I felt weird about it with the ex- being in town. I though the coworker would get annoyed/upset with that reason, thinking I was just making an excuse or wouldn't understand why.

Anyhow, those are just a few random ones I wanted to write before I forgot. I'll write more about the guy at work later today, and just some other general ramblings. :)

And yes, please feel free to fill up my comments sections -- it gives me something to read on my site, which is fun. :)


APRIL What? Done?
The 2nd Register for fall/winter semester YES!
The 8th Qualitative Methods presentations (group) YES!
The 8th Qualitative Methods take-home due YES!
The 9th Culture jamming project due (advertising) YES!
The 11th Group dynamics presentation YES!
The 11th Final reflection paper due (last day) YES!
The 11th Negotiation assignment due YES!
The 11th Negotiation assignment due YES!
The 16th Media Industries due before noon YES!
The 17th Media Industries presentation (long story) YES!
The 22th Ad techniques midterm due (take-home)
The 25th Group dynamics paper due (10-12 pages) (group)
The 25th Qualitative methods midterm (what's the point?!)
The 26th Negotiation take-home due (take-home)


Excellent! Stealing more ideas from Di's site... 'cause I'm a bitch that way. :) Now you can post comments on the stuff I write, in case you're too uncomfortable with leaving a guestbook entry. :)

Anyhow, gotta write some stuff on last night's happenings at work, but a paper unfortunately takes precedence. :P Did a bunch of arranging on it last night, now I just have to write the discussion part. Stop procrastinating!

Okay, no more solitaire games, either. I'm off. :)


"It's like being married to my best friend... and he lets me feel her boobs!" :)


He says he loves giving oral sex, that it's yummy. Says he always always liked it.

Why did I never get that impression? Especially way back when. I think it's just 'cause he got the ex-virgin (my new name for her) off that way... that, and through pen.

Who thought it would be some great cosmic joke for me to have a great, healthy (some say abnormal) interest in sex and for me to be so difficult? *sigh*


I want to change the way I look. I want to change the way I act, the way I think (maybe), the way I feel. I want to be someone else, and I want to just forget about this person, 'cause sometimes I really don't like her.

Do I want the ex- just because I can't have him? Sometimes I can sit and listen to him talking about things to do with his gf and I'm okay and it doesn't hurt, and yet when I think about it I feel sick inside and I hate her and last night I even had a brief thought that I hated him.

I know he hasn't done anything that I've already done twice or more, but it still sucks and it still hurts and I want to stop feeling. I want to stop hurting over Chloë being gone and I want to stop hurting about how the ex- keeps messing with my head and I want to stop hurting about how I've hurt others.

Sometimes I fear I'm a champion head-fucker.

I want to stop feeling stressed and uncertain and upset and sick and stupid and useless.

I want to be in love and I want to be single and I want to date people and I want to be in a settled relationship. I want to love someone that loves me back and I want to want to be with them and stop wondering about other people and just be happy. I want to be with someone that satisfies me, physically and intellectually and emotionally and I want to be that person to someone else. I want to stop feeling like a freak because I'm not engaged or even looking at the possibility for a long time. I want to have a normal relationship.

I want to be happy. I haven't been happy in a long time. I was in a good mood for a part of Monday, and it felt so strange. I've just been existing for a long time; going from day to day. I wish I could go back to the beginning of the summer when all of this began and just start over.

I've long enjoyed stories of couples that got separated and managed to find each other again and be happy together. I want to have that... but I don't know if I can be happy when we're still in touch and I don't want to give up talking. They (who?) says absence makes the heart grow fonder, but sometimes it just allows the heart to find someone else because you're lonely or horny.

I want to stop being a freak and I want to be normal and maybe stop shocking people and stand out more because I blend in too much already. I want to be seen because I'm attractive, appreciated because I'm intelligent, enjoyed because I'm funny and loved because I'm lovable. I want time to pass so that I can live life and then find my soul mate, my other half, and know that everything will be okay in the long run, even if there are problems between now and then.

I want to be able to churn out papers as quickly as I can churn out things like this. ;)

I want to go away, to another city, where I don't have memories... where I don't live in the same area where I lost two cats, where I live five minutes from my ex's house, where I walk or drive past it when I'm going through parts of my neighbourhood... where I don't live five minutes from another 'ex's' work.

I want to know what inside my head. I want to have the answers that are hidden inside my head somewhere, and I want to be able to work with them.

Most of all, I want to be happy. Wish I knew when that was going to happen again. I wish I'd stop feeling like it's all tied into having a normal relationship with someone. That, and I wish I'd stop being interested in people that have girlfriends/significant others/friends with privileges/casual acquaintances (don't ask). I want my cat back. I think that would be a good start... I can live without the relationships.


So, the Media Industries presentation that I slaved over, that I spent three and a half, four hours last night designing? Well, the damn floppy wouldn't load on the damn computer, so we couldn't go! Argh! Fuck. :P

Fucking fuck fuck. That's about the most I can articulate right now... and I still have papers to write... so I'll update this instead. :)

I've felt physically crappy for the last several days, and it's no good. I was so tired today that if anyone had said anything remotely teasing-mean to me, I would have cried. Even just thinking about how easily I could cry made me want to cry. I got a good nap on the bus though, so I feel better. Still feel kinda physically unsettled, but better than I've felt the last few days.

We have to present during his office hours sometime next week, so that's not *too* bad... it means he won't be able to ask us if we're going to cover a certain topic in our paper, 'cause it'll already have been written. ;)

Anyhow, gotta get to work... nutty weekend means little time for school. :P


Okay, so I was just told by one of the jocks that gas is up to 89.7 cents.

Last week it was 69 cents. And for awhile, it was down below 50. Sheesh.
Group members for Wednesday's presentation are coming around, so that's good. Hopefully I can get a bunch of work done today, and get more or less finished for my week. I have about three different things I'm going to try to get done today, and one paper that requires a textbook I have at home, so I may end up doing it tomorrow.

That's my neurotic life for now. ;)
There we go, fiddled a bit with the links and cleaned some stuff up. Didn't realize I had two archives links there, and it took me about ten or fifteen minutes of playing to fix *that* up, which was pretty stupid.

Two days of classes left, since my class on the 15th was cancelled. Good news, kinda. The week worsens, as my tally shows. *sigh* At least my media industries group seems like it *might* be coming around. We'll see tomorrow; I kinda don't care anymore.

I envy Sami; she's got her own condo! Damn. In Toronto, too, which is pretty sweet all around. She's going to the same uni as the ex- next year, so maybe she can go kick some sense into him (and then me). :)

Feeling kinda crummy today. :( Some hungry, some nausea... all signs point to a pretty awful period on the horizon. Hooray (and the crowd goes wild... yay!).

I had something quick to write about here, but now I've totally forgotten what it was. Looking into belly dance lessons for the summer. :) Or kickboxing, maybe both. Get some fun, get some exercise.

Oh no... Shadow's settled on my lap. No leaving, even though I'm running behind... getting cuddled.


APRIL What? Done?
The 2nd Register for fall/winter semester YES!
The 8th Qualitative Methods presentations (group) YES!
The 8th Qualitative Methods take-home due YES!
The 9th Culture jamming project due (advertising) YES!
The 11th Group dynamics presentation
The 11th Final reflection paper due (last day)
The 11th Negotiation assignment due
The 16th Media Industries due before noon (20-25 pages) (in threes)
The 22th Ad techniques midterm due (take-home)
The 25th Group dynamics paper due (10-12 pages) (group)
The 25th Qualitative methods midterm (written... 30 multichoice questions... what's the point?!)
The 26th Negotiation take-home due (take-home)

I was just over playing Dinomite at PopCap.com (a great place to waste time), and I was remembering playing the equivalent game on Super NES over at the ex's place... and I just felt like, hmm... how to articulate. Basically, that I really enjoyed that kind of time he and I would spend together, and I miss it, and I want that kind of time with him, and I don't want him to have it with someone else. Like his previously virgin girlfriend. *sigh*

But I'm not going to talk about that now... it's still too new, if nothing else. I just don't have it in me to write about it, the same way I didn't have it in me to write about Chloë's disappearance for quite some time. Saturday marks the 6-month of that event.


Sorry, to clarify: the ex- slept with his girlfriend. Left me feeling rather upset, namely because I felt like he'd totally misled me. However, I don't want to talk about that. I'm going to post up the blog that I wrote on Thursday in my two classes.

First, however... just finished reading a good article on Non-Mainstream Body Modification, by James Myers. The full title for the article is "Nonmainstream Body Modification: Genital Piercing, Branding, Burning, and Cutting." Don't worry, it's not genital branding or genital burning. ;) It's from the Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, Vol. 21, No. 3, October 1992 pp 267-302, Sage Publications. It's pretty well done, considering the author describes procedures in such a way as you don't feel sickened, it's not horribly graphic. The other thing is that he is completely non-judgemental, and almost seems to be trying to dissuade critics from judging the people who do engage in such activities.

Also, the BBQ Chicken pizza from Little Caesars is quite tasty. :)

Oh yeah... went and saw Bowser and Blue last night. Great fun; I was able to pick up a few of their CDs that I don't have, and I even got one signed! Yay, funny! :)

Anyhow, on to the post (which touches on stuff I'd said I wanted to write about last week):

Now that I want to write, my brain is frozen.

My growing nails kinda dig into my palm when I hold my pen and it feels weird.

My stomach feels blah. I think the greasy pizza (from the Pizza Pizza on campus) was a bad idea. Uck.

I went out a couple of weeks ago with the coworker, one of his roommate, and another guy from work, someone about my age. He'd had some personal problems, so he needed a partying night, and he really had one. :) We were dancing together at one point, and he was grinding against me a bit (he'd turned me so that I was grinding into him for awhile)...nothing really dirty, but I noticed it. I like him; he's a cutie. :)

Speaking of cuties (read: hotties), the band, two members in particular, were drool-worthy... lick-worthy. In spades. :) One was blond, with medium-length curly hair, and the other guy had short, short black hair and a nicely-kept goatee. I was watching these guys and just fantasizing a bit (and getting turned on, with the assistance of alcohol), and then after awhile I started getting grumpy/disappointed because they never looked over in my direction. At one point, I was sitting withint arm's reach of the blond hottie (during a break), and he never even looked over in my direction. I started thinking to myself, "Oh, it doesn't matter, they wouldn't like me anyways, I have a fat body and piercings and therea re so many more attractive girls here anyways..." and basically depressed myself. I do that a fair bit sometimes; talk myself into being depressed, or convincing myself that I'm unattractive, and/or useless. It's a self defeatist attitude, and I'm trying to change it. I can't help but think that losing some weight would help my attitude, but I also feel it should come from within, not just an external change. I think it's because I've read so much stuff about how people with a really bad self-image will always find something that they hate about themselves to focus on... like if I lost weight and got happy with my size, I'd find something else to focus on and hate about myself.

I started writing something earlier about my body:

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I like what I see. I look at my hair and admire its body, shine and colour. I look at my eyes, and I like their size, shape, and colour. I look at my face as a whole and think of how it works well as a whole.

I might look at how my earrings peek from behind my hair (one hole in each ear), and admire that for a second or two.

I'll move down from my face to my chest, look at the swells of my breasts, and where they sit on my chest. Sometimes I'll push them together to create cleavage, or lift them up to look at the little freckle underneath one. I'll trace the area where the underneath of my breasts meets my torso, and feel the warmed skin. I'll look at my nipples, and see the pinkness of them against the whiteness of my skin. I like the size of my nipples, their colour, and their sensitivity. They do not repond well to being pinched or pulled, but if they are played with nicely, they can stand to be stimulated for long periods of time.

Sometimes I wish I had larger breasts. I used to more often, but I read a book last summer that was entitled Breasts, and I determined that I have average-sized breasts. They have been described as perfect by a few people, from both people who have and have not seen them naked. They are a handful; soft, perky, and I like them.

My waist, hips and thighs bother me, but less so when I am standing, facing a mirror than when I am sideways or crouching or kneeling. My hope is that this summer I reall do work out and tone up. I think it will become a goal for me.

My legs are okay. They carry a little too much weight now, and one ankle sports a tattoo. I used to be very proud of my legs (and my ex- was really into them, which I loved), but I don't really give them much thought anymore, especially as it's winter (and last summer was quite cold) and I'm rarely sans socks, which shorten and thicken my legs.

I tend not to look much at my feet, but I like them; they're cute. My forearms are okay as well, but thin and freckly (which doesn't bother me). I'm not fond of my fingers, I find them stocky, but they don't bother me too much.

My entire body is quite pale, year round. I don't get much time outside, regardless of the weather, mainly because I work indoors during the day.

Overall, my perusal leaves me feeling good at times, and disappointed other times. I'm hoping to move myself to the point where I am spending more time pleased than displeased.


Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He's slept with her.

I just love breaking down at work.



Okay, I lied. As you can see, no update. However, I think I'm coming to some conclusions on the whole boy situation (and the friend thing), so we'll see what happens after I talk to the coworker. He'll probably be stupid, but I'm starting to think all boys are stupid.

Okay, okay, I'm kidding. Relax. :) I like boys. Sometimes I'm stupid too. There we go, ass is covered.

Frig, I feel so fat. *sigh* Argh, argh. Get through exams (do some actual freakin' work on the damn things, and then I'll be all set.

I'd like to do something so that my site became more appealing to people. I might play around with the coding, maybe even see about getting my own domain and hosting it myself. That'd be cool, 'cause then I could incorporate pictures and things like that. Pipe dreams, though; I don't have the time to do such a thing. :)

Anyhow... gonna likely have some time to post tomorrow, so I'll type up what I wrote out and with any luck get one of my exams finished -- the one due on Monday. Maybe my ass group members will get their act in gear and do some bloody work! I don't mean that for all the group projects I'm currently in (all what, three million of them?), but at least one of them. :P

Just got a message saying I got a new guestbook signing, so I'm off to read that and hit the sack. If anyone has an ideas for making my site more visible, feel free to email me or leave me a message on my guestbook and make sure I can contact you in return. :)

Btw, I started and finished reading this cool book today... it's called Dead After Dark, and it's a vampire murder mystery love story kind of thing. Pretty absorbing; I'd love to know if the author is going to write a follow up to it, although likely not. It may not lend itself to one very easily. Oddly enough, can't find it on Chapters.ca... I say oddly enough 'cause I bought it at a Chapter store, so I'm a tad surprised. No matter, good book. :)

Anyhow, night night for now. Updates tomorrow. :)
Got a nice long article I'll likely cross post from work later today. I wrote it in my classes yesterday, so I'll write it up from work (once I get my act in gear). It includes a discussion on the bar thingy from awhile back... and I also want to write a bit about the H situation, and my thoughts on it from the other day.

So, look forward to some updates in that manner in a bit. :)


No time for posting, gotta get ready for class, but Shawn from unCultured.com told me that a friend of his from another site is a fan of my postings from unCultured. Very flattering. :)

A quote: "Good stuff man...things look good there now...and that Jen girl is fucking awesome, I just read one of her rants."

*grin* I think the rant that he read was probably the one from March where I was complaining about people judging my sexuality. I cross posted it to here and there, 'cause here is my personal ranting space, and there it fit their 'Things You Don't Know About Me' category. :)

I'm glad that I have a public place to do some writing, voyeuristic and faddish as it may be... I've gotten a few compliments on my writing since I've started doing this, and that's always great. Maybe one day I really will get around to writing a story or something worthwhile. :)

Anyhow, off to fix a broken link of which I was informed, and then shower, wake up, and go to school (yes, in that order). One week and a half left... something like that. Tbe 15th is the last day. Happy dance!

Oh yeah, talked to H yesterday... got me in a weird mood afterwards. I'll talk about that later.

*laugh* Yeah, right. I still have that list of things I have to write about based on the trip to Gracie's a few weeks back. Maybe that's what I'll do in class today.
Ever have one of those times when you hang out talking with someone and your throat gets sore 'cause you've spoken so much?

Yeah. Those are good times. :)

Guy who used to work at the same place as me (he was security) called me up Sunday evening during my shift and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. I suggested today, we went out to a little Chinese place near Bronson, talked from 7 p.m. until 10 p.m., went to Chapters, kept talking and collecting books (I got out with *ONE* book! This is amazing! Especially as the book was less than $9.00!)... then drove home and talked the whole time.

My throat was drying out when we were at the Chinese place, let alone now. :)


APRIL What? Done?
The 2nd Register for fall/winter semester YES!
The 8th Qualitative Methods presentations (group)
The 8th Qualitative Methods take-home due
The 9th Culture jamming project due (advertising)
The 11th Group dynamics presentation
The 11th Final reflection paper due (last day)
The 11th Negotiation assignment due
The 15th Qualitative Methods presentations (group)
The 16th Media Industries due before noon (20-25 pages) (in threes)
The 22th Ad techniques midterm due (take-home)
The 25th Group dynamics paper due (10-12 pages) (group)
The 25th Qualitative methods midterm (written... 30 multichoice questions... what's the point?!)
The 26th Negotiation take-home due (take-home)

*sigh* Stupid, stupid, stupid... busy. Got an idea for my advertising thingy though, so that's good. The list just keeps growing, doesn't it?

Got the advertising take home today, so I just have to get started on everything -- sent my media industries group some stuff I'd written, so we'll see what they think. Hoepfully they'll like it enough to keep it, 'cause I really don't think that I have it in me to write 7 pages worth of crap, especially on top of all the other crap I have to churn out for the other courses. *sigh* Argh, argh, argh.

That's about it. Nice guy here at work... cutie. Don't know what's going to happen, if anything. Probably nothing. Oh well, that's okay. Keep wanting to email H, but I figure I should get things figured out with the pizza guy before I even try... since R hates me and it would be tough to chill with H if R still hated me. Grow up, boyo. You've done just as bad if not worse. :P

I'm not looking for forgiveness, and I'm not saying I'm a good person for having done it, but... just be more understanding? I don't know.

Coworker's been pissing me off again. Grrr. Punch him in the head! :) When it's good, it's good... when it's not, it really reminds me of The Ex-; the Mark of the Beast. :)