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Thoughts from Toronto (written November 18):

Being in Toronto has taught me that I seem to associate cities with boys. Or rather, two cities to two boys -- Montreal for Moose, Toronto for the ex- (the One Big Love ex-).

I keep looking for familiar places and sights, and not especially finding them, at least, not beyond places like the Eaton Centre or the Atrium at Bay. While in the Atrium, I found the Pickle Barrel at which we used to dine, and, across from it, the used game store where we used to hunt for treasures. I never found much -- their selection was much more console-focused.

There's a lot of nostalgia associated with those boys; I look back and focus on the happier times, rather than the bad. I think of waking up from a nightmare and feeling safe in his arms, rather than the insane UTI I got, my first full week spent visiting.

But, rose-coloured glasses and hindsight have allowed me to also see, rightly or wrongly, that I wasn't always my own person back then. I spent a lot of time following, and not always enough time asserting myself. This is a pattern I seem to fall into fairly regularly -- not being willing to ask the questions, forge the path, by myself.

Or at least, I used to. I think being single has perhaps given me that sense of self -- either that or just being somewhat older and theoretically wiser. I'm not sure, but somewhere along the way I became better able to express my thoughts and emotions, rather than burying them or denying them in quite the same way I used to. Now, I can tell E that I am (well, was) angry at him, and why; now, I could tell ex-J what I thought and felt. Or at least, I can -- and did -- express all of thse things in email (ages ago, calm down). I'm slowly working my way up to face-to-face, and I'm still fairly incapable of saying the stuff I know will hurt someone else.

Those hard truths are the worst ones to try to express for me. I'm so dodgy when it comes to those, it's ridiculous. Not that many of the guys I know are any better, but still... why is it just so tough to tell someone, "I'm not interested in you that way" or "I'm not physically attracted to you," or even, "I don't want to jump into bed repeatedly, so despite our past, I don't want to have sex with you -- also because I'm not physically attracted to you"?

I want to claim it's because I'm too nice, but, well, I don't think I have a single friend who'd describe me as nice or sweet. I try, but in the end, I'm just too honest, and that bothers people. I try not to be outright or deliberately mean, but sometimes "mean" and "honest" are damn close together. Or at least, are read the same way by some people. They don't say that truth hurts for no reason. Or even, there's a reason they say that truth hurts -- for you grammatically-correct sort.

But, on my original point, cities and boyfriends. My hometown is overrun with memories and exes -- fortunately I never seem to run into exes on the street. But I do see locations and remember things, and some days I just *really* wish I could escape all of it, and move somewhere completely new, hell, without telling anyone where I've gone, and just start over.

But... and so the list begins.

Sometimes I just feel like everyone is moving so fast and leaving me behind. I want to be ahead, be on top, be important, be noticed, be known, be respected, be appreciated, be loved. I want to stop hearing about everyone moving away, moving in together, getting married, getting the awesome job, and, for a change, have them talk about me -- and none of this bullshit, "OMG, she's such a slut, did you hear what she did?!" stuff -- but actual, "Did you hear about Jen? She got published -- isn't that awesome!?" or something. I guess to get published, one has to actually write, huh? Huh.


And that's about the end of that. Btw, new site: The Angry Apostrophe. This is where my writing's going to appear, once I get something up and going that's worth posting, and this way I can dump the original My Novel site.
I have a few blog posts that I've been working on -- I forgot to send one to myself at home, so I wasn't able to complete it over the weekend, not that I spent much time on my computer this weekend anyhow. So, forgive me if what I post winds up being semi-disjointed and full of nonsense.

Oh, wait, how's that any different than what I usually post anyhow? Yeah, shut up.

Man, how sad is it that a meeting is automatically improved, in my opinion, by the addition of the hot policy advisor? So pretty to look at. Also good today? My other two meetings were cancelled. So I get to carry a good feeling about meetings today: positive, only having one out of three. Positive: hot guy to look at at the one meeting I did attend (with *stupid* hair, 'cause it hates me). Positive: I get to act like a momotard today.

So... I think I have a platonic crush on you. It's been weird to figure out, and I'm not entirely sure I do have it figured out. I know I enjoy spending time with you, and I like being around you. I enjoy it when you touch me, but I'm not sure if that's just because I miss physical contact. I want to spend time with you and get to know you better, and I've had inappropriate thoughts (which seems to be the rule for me lately), and yet, I don't feel physically attracted to you. Although who knows what'll happen if this 'crush' continues. I haven't had a crush in awhile, so I can't remember how this goes. I want you to find me attractive, I know that much, but that could just be ego talking.

I think Moose might've been the last crush I had, and even that was different, because it was mutual, and evolved from casual flirting into making out and dating and sexings. Good times, good times, good times. I miss that kind of easy transition.

I lost a bunch of what I'd written here because Blogger annoyed me and I wound up copying something else and losing this text, so... urgh. Let's see what we can dredge up from Friday's post that never got posted:

First, because I haven't screwed up my template in awhile:

How to make a aphroditeishot

3 parts intelligence

3 parts courage

5 parts leadership
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of wisdom and enjoy!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

How to make a jenx

1 part anger

3 parts ambition

3 parts empathy
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of curiosity and enjoy!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

How to make a eiram

5 parts pride

5 parts brilliance

3 parts instinct
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add caring to taste! Do not overindulge!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Today I don't want to do work.

laughing is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

I also had "computers are love," but I didn't want to keep it.

It makes me very sad that there are people in my life who've had a significant impact on it, with whom I can't seem to be friends anymore. I can't seem to maintain a friendship with an ex-, and it's not always because I can't manage it... sometimes it's him, too.

Here, I want to write an open letter to the person I have in mind, and though I don't imagine he'll ever read it, well... pay attention all, I'm going to talk about feelings here.

Dear You,

It makes me sad that we can't seem to be friends. When I talk to you, when I see you, it feels as though you're angry at me, and won't tell me why. I want you to be happy, and I don't know how to manage that. I don't know if me being around would make things better or worse for you, or if you even want me around -- not that it's been a problem lately.

I miss being a part of your life, but when I try to be back in your life, I feel that I'm unwanted. I can sympathize with you being mad at me because we didn't feel the same degrees of things, but... I just wish we could move past that and be friends, if nothing else. I miss you, and I care about you; you've had a much deeper impact on me than other people I thought I loved, and I wish I had the courage to tell you that and explain that in some way.

When did "I love you" become such a difficult phrase for me to say? I can say it to my cats, but to say it to anyone who could respond in kind (in some manner other than licking my face or nuzzling my chin) is the hardest thing for me to say.

I do love you. As it turns out, the feelings I have for you have lasted longer than those for people to whom I have said I love you. Isn't irony funny?

And for the record... there have been a number of times I wished you and I could've worked out. I'm just sorry we couldn't.


Okay, I'm too lazy to do this nicely, so you just get to see a link. This is basically what it's like when I want to use the computer a lot of the time... except Venus is often on the keyboard, with her little nose in the screen... and Thena's tail is obscuring the screen more often than not.

But it's a pretty good indication of living with my spoiled rotten girls. :)


I do have a big post in the works, but I don't feel like working on it just yet. In the meantime -- is there an easy way to ask someone who's just a friend if you can kiss them? Not in the interest of starting anything, just out of curiousity and because it's been awhile since you've kissed anyone?

There's already a level of comfort, and an understanding that nothing would happen because of the friendship, and I don't want to change that; I just want to kiss.


Mean is your friend -- very smoothly, I must say -- taking your wrists and pinning them and you up against a wall with just the right amount of pressure.


I am at work and I feel very very tense and stressed out for reasons I can't quite name.

Maybe because I have to go and ask my boss if a) I will still have a job in a month and b) if I can get paid for the week I was off last week, but it feels like there is pending doom.



I am back.

After some initial craziness on the parts of the cats, they seem to have settled down. Thena is currently conked out on my bed, and Venus is probably creating havoc somewhere; or she's on the kitchen table. Who knows?

Anyhow, good times were had, it was nice to get away, some feelings were stirred up/questioned, and perhaps I will actually explain that in further detail later. Maybe. I did wind up discussing it a bit last night, late at night and in the dark... perfect time to get almost anything out of me -- when it's late and it's dark and I'm feeling relaxed and cozy, I tend to be much more likely to talk about my feelings. Otherwise -- I'm a closed book, baby!

I didn't really take a lot of pictures while there, just 'cause there didn't seem to be a lot of things I wanted to photograph. Mostly I took pics at the Zoo until my batteries/camera gave out, and so there are lots of pictures of monkeys and so on to share later. I really need to clean up the galleries on my site... urgh. I want to take time off from life in order to do all those other things I want.

I don't have to work at the station tomorrow, so that's nice. That means I have lots of time for lounging and maybe some socializing and so on... maybe I can mooch some more backrubs out of JJ; damn his strong fingers, I've been spoiled for backrubs for life!

And damn my brain for the dirty ways it works... I really gotta find someone. That'd help the random (misdirected?) dirty thoughts and lonely/nostalgic shit.


Well, I've finally found out why there's so often pieces of the adult cat food in the water dishes; Venus fishes the last few pieces out of the dish and runs around with them, playing with them, before she eats them.

My cats are wack jobs.


More short tales of my cats:

Venus is my computer kitten. Pretty much anytime I'm on the computer, she wants to be in my way -- on my lap on rare, happy occasions, usually seated on her back, propped up against one of my arms so she can watch the screen; more often than not, wandering about the desk itself, sometimes conversing with the fish, and so on.

She also enjoys licking the monitor.

I've seen her do this to my television, too, but it's most common with the monitor.

And earlier, my pyjama pants, but usually, it's my computer monitor.

Not a weird cat at all.


Venus is stalking my cereal as I eat it.

She managed to slay a Cheerio.

There'll be no end to her gloating now.


This morning I found Thena on top of the fridge.

Just a moment of my life, for you.


Well, experience, gut and paranoia all tell me that that evening isn't going to be repeated.

One day, I will meet someone, and we will go out for four dates, and it will be magical and wondrous.
I need to cut back on the muffins in the mornings (too much sugar?):

Shawn: And for a second there I thought you were trying to TELL me something about my OWN love life - or lack thereof! =D
Jen: Oh, the comic I sent? :)
Shawn: [Auto Response] I'm away right now.
Shawn: Yup!
Shawn: It was amusing.
Shawn: Much like so many LiveJournals.
Jen: Did you laugh? Oh hohohoh and so on?
Shawn: Yes, I laughed like Jabba the Hutt.
Shawn: WITH WHOM?!
Jen: the PROFESSOR... of goodness
Jen: Here is a sort of picture of him...
Jen: I am a Google stalker!!!!
Shawn: God bless Google.
Shawn: Wow, he's like a fucking CELEBRITY.
Jen: *laugh*
Shawn: He looks like Val Kilmer, mixed with a Backstreet Boy. Or something.
Jen: Val Kilmer is hot... and yeah, in that pic he kinda does.
Jen: But keep your backstreet boys outta my date!
Shawn: I can picture him signing autographs, is all. =)
Shawn: I can't!
Jen: *laugh*
Shawn: They penetrate every single aspect of my life.
Shawn: And I mean EVERY.
Jen: And EVERY orifice of your life?!!?!?
Jen: (From a message to someone else, 'cause I am a whore and love more people than you!: when I told the prof that I box and can beat him up, he said good. Boys are WEIRD)
Shawn: Guys are turned on by women that intimidate them.
Shawn: It's just one of those things.
Jen: Yeah, E found it a huge turnon when I teased him and whatnot. Odd, but easy to accomodate. :)
Shawn: Take THAT, prescribed gender roles!
Jen: *laugh*
Jen: Dear Shawn, I love you, love Jen.
Shawn: Yay!
Shawn: I need love today.
Shawn: I hate everything, after all.
Jen: *smears love all over you*
Jen: Well, you *did* work at a porn store...Shawn: A co-worker was complaining about having to use tap water for our kettle.
Shawn: And I was like, "Well, you ARE boiling it..."
Shawn: And she said, "Yeah, that's true. Once you boil it, it - it's boiled. I don't know. What do you think?"
Shawn: It was such a George W. Bush-esque line.
Jen: And then you smeared love all over them?
Oh. Your coworker is stupid.
Shawn: If by "love," you mean 'contempt for her parents for giving BIRTH to her.'
Jen: *laugh* And how easily does that spread?


I have ceded defeat to my cats.

Yes, less than 20 lbs of fur has bested me. I should've realized this was inevitable when Thena made me her bitch after less than a week of "owning" her, but alas, I held out hope that at some point my dominance of the situation would prevail.

I should have realized that adding a second furball into the mix wouldn't exactly "calm" Thena or miraculously turn her into a sweet, adorable kitty who never misbehaves... I should have known that, rather, she now has a partner in crime who can come up with the trouble and mischief that she might've overlooked the first time around.

To backtrack...

Back at my first apartment, Thena discovered the joys that were the plug for the bathroom sink. She would amuse herself, picking it up and trying to take it out of the sink or just batting it around and whatnot. As she got bigger, more aggressive (or at least had more muscle to put behind her aggression) and arguably, smarter, she managed to pull the plug off the chain... which meant that, periodically, I would find the plug in my bedroom or in the kitchen, and I'd have to return it to its rightful place. Not that big a deal.

Then we moved, and I thought the game was over. But alas, I was to be, once again, woefully incorrect. Instead, within a week or so, my now large-sized (though not yet full-grown) cat was able to remove the plug from the sink and race all about a much larger apartment -- with much better hiding places -- to hide it. It wasn't something she did often, and usually the plug didn't travel particularly far, but every now and then...

Then I got a second kitten. This one was sweet-natured and fairly well-behaved, borderline timid, but still playful. I thought it was her nature, but when she got over the dread disease she had brought into the home... her true nature came out. She is very much a hyper little kitten brat at heart. But no matter. She watched the older cat -- before and after her illness -- and learned.

What she learned was that the sink plug makes for an excellent toy. Oh, it is a fun toy! You can easily pick it up in small cat mouths and run around the hardwood/tile floors with it, and it skitters so nicely on those surfaces, and fits under all the doors so that it can be hid and later retrieved by the tallish, exasperated one. Of course, the nature of the doors and the floors and the tallish, exasperated one is such that sometimes we don't see the sink plug for weeks at at time, but every now and then, when that tallish, exasperated one opens a door, she finds the plug, and she rejoices, and we secretly snicker and chortle to ourselves, because we know that within an hour of her finding it, we can hide it again.

See, about a month ago, the plug was found and it was hidden between some bottles on the bathroom counter. That lasted a few days before they retrieved it and hid it on me again. Then, about a week ago, I found it again -- and this time, I was smart. Or so I thought. This time, I put it in the toothbrush holder that I have -- which consists of a plastic cup with a fitted piece of plastic over it, and the brushes go in holes in this plastic shield. You've all seen it.

I thought I was being so smart. I really, really did think I was.

But what did I find a few nights ago, when I came home? The damn thing was open, in the sink, and the plug was nowhere to be found.


I just stood there, asking everyone and no one, "How did you know?! How did you know!?"

Maybe they could see the plug through the plastic; it's an opaque white in colour, not very difficult to tell that something else was in the cup. Maybe it was just fortune for them -- they knocked over the cup and found the toy inside. Maybe I have Machiavellian cats, I don't know. All I know was, they found it.

But, I found it again, too, and this time I hid it on the other side of the counter, in amongst more little bottles and miscellaneous hair products. Of course, within ten minutes Venus was investigating that portion of the counter, and I've seen her do it at least once since, but I can still hope.

I hope that one day, I will manage to outwit 16lbs of fur, whose combined brain mass isn't equal to that of mine. I hope that I can manage to outwit cats who stare at shadows on the wall and try to attack them, cats who paw at things repeatedly with no real purpose, cats who chase their tails in sink and think an empty toilet paper roll is one of the best toys around.

I hope.


Okay, more time, more updates. Hah, today there are no managers at work, so it's kinda nice; even without that, it's kinda quiet, and that's a nice change of pace. Of course, I left my cross stitch at home, so that sucks, but... I have books, I have the Internet -- somehow, I shouldn't be too bored.

So, Friday with the back-and-forth with the prof. I went to see JJ and N perform at the open mic Friday night, and while we were sitting around chatting, my cell phone started buzzing. I answered, and it was the prof. We chatted for a bit, and he explained that he hadn't been in touch 'cause he'd been having trouble adjusting to the regular day-to-day of having a job and so on (he just finished his PhD in the spring and started teaching in the summer, plus moved twice since he got here). For all I know, he was in a relationship that didn't work out and just didn't want to say so, but... defeatist thinking. I'm trying to focus on the cool factor -- that, despite not having spoken to him in a few weeks (when we talked about going to see the leaves change the same day that E ended things again) and then a few months before that, he's calling and asking me out again. There's something fairly cool going on there.

We agreed we'd go out on Thursday, and he said he was going to call me Tuesday to plan it -- I told him that he had to be careful now, that I had his number, and if he didn't call me Tuesday, I was going to call him Wednesday. :) He said that if he sets a day to call, he calls on that day, so I said I was very glad to hear that, and the call ended. So -- there it stands for now. My new motto is: "one date at a time." I'm trying to keep from thinking beyond Thursday, and just focus on having a good time and so on. It's not like I have much control over whether or not someone wants to keep dating me, but ... *shrug* One date at a time. :)

I have to say, Launchcast is doing me proud today. Lots of good tunes, which is nice. :)

Anyhow, what else? Friday Jamie came over for brownies and movies, after I watched the open mic and hassled OFK. Saturday was a little annoying, in that my mom called at 8:30, then my trainer called less than an hour later, so I was a little tired and cranky (didn't go to bed until after 3:00 a.m.)... OFK and I ran around doing a few minor errands, and as the day wore on I perked up a little. We got together a mini-group and saw The Incredibles that night, then hung out for a bit playing games at JW and AM's place.

The Incredibles... decent film, liked the effects, Pixar is definitely improving with their assorted skills, but overall... I've liked their other movies better, I have to say. I still enjoyed it, but... no laughing out loud like with Shrek 2, for example.

Sunday I trekked up to the big book sale with some friends, and managed to pick up a bunch of books for fairly cheap. I don't have the complete list in my head, but I got about a dozen for under $20. It was a good medley.

When I got home, I got to deal with the smoke alarm, which I've already detailed here... so that was fun. :P I was crabby at the station until partway through the show of death when I talked to the newslady about the professor situation, and then we were trying to come up with date ideas... We wound up coming up with something about going to the War Museum, as it's sure to be open late, and I could dress up in a poppy costume and be very popular that way. I think I'm going to hell for that one. But she laughed a lot too, so... She was in good spirits, so I felt bad that I was so tired and crabby, especially when all the people started calling in to talk about the Northern Lights and I didn't feel like dealing with that. :)

On the way home, I did manage to see the Lights, though probably fairly faintly. Still enough to be able to see them, but not bright enough for the pictures I took to actually work. I just wound up with screens of blackness, with the occasional street light captured for difference. :P

I'll be getting my hair cut on Saturday, and I'm looking forward to that. I may also get my nails done sometime this week, although that does kinda fall under the "Do I *really* need to do this? Not really" category. :P But it would stop the nailbiting... urgh. Stupid bad habits, stupid vanity.

I'm glad the work day's almost over. At least, it's almost over now at 4, when I finally post this. :)


So deaf right now -- got home from the book sale to find the smoke detector going off without cause, and had to trip breakers and leave them off to keep it from continuing. Then had to find the cats.

Thena had become one with the couch (her hiding spot of choice), and only emerged when I opened it up to try to determine if there actually was a cat under there (and managed to find the sink plug again, let's see if I can keep it longer than a week this time -- damn cats figuring out my hiding place for it), and Venus had gotten inside my closet, her hiding place of choice. Pretty cool that she got out on her own, too. She's getting to be a big tough one. :)

On the way to the book sale, I'd seen a cat outside that was basically the same size as Venus and a near-match for her too, except for a Hershey kiss of white in its chest, and a slightly shorter-length coat. Thena's orange and white friend also came back this morning, so I wound up not letting her out... I figured it would be a bad idea to send my kitty out in that circumstance when I was in the shower and unable to help/rescue her.

Urgh. Now that I'm deaf and still tired, it's a great time to go to work at the radio station. I didn't need my ears, right?
So, I need date suggestions -- I usually can't seem to get much beyond dinner and a movie.

I figure I'll check the alternative papers and see what comes up there, I've thought of pool and bowling... anyone?


Margh. I want a nap.

Okay, so, update. Today's been a weird day -- I thought it was going to be a bad one, to be honest.

Last night, I was stuck semi-late at work, finishing things up, and making sure speeches were as far along as they could be before it was time to go. I got a phone call announcing impromptu dinner plans, so I decided to join in on that. NV and I waited near the department store to pick up S and Markuk, and as I was staring out the windshield, who did I espy but Ben, wandering past. I shouted out an 'Oi!' and he came over to say hi before continuing on his way.

We went to a bistro in the fancier part of town, and we all enjoyed a really good meal. After dinner was over, NV (male N) and Markuk decided to spend time trying to throw the dried peas (serving as holders for the flowers on the table) down my shirt, after NV started dropping them in my water. Then it was on to lobbing ice cubes at me, and trying to get those down my shirt... my friends are so kind.

I got dropped off at home, was sick for the evening, then went to bed. This morning is when it gets... different.

So, I overslept (story of my life when I let it be), then on my way to check for mail (which I didn't do last night), I skidded on the downward-sloping driveway beside my apartment, and scraped my knee. Fortunately, my jeans were okay, but my knee hurt. I didn't do too much damage to it, but it still was deep enough to bleed and require some bandaging.

On my way out the door this morning, I check my cell phone and noticed I'd received a text message from an unrecognized number at midnight, asking, "How come I never hear from you?" So I replied with, "Because I have no idea who you are." I got to work, and a little later got, "Sorry, it's [professor]." !!!

So I replied, saying, "I had lost your number - I sent an email to your work, but you never replied." In response, he sent, "Never got it, call you later! Have a good day." I said something in reply about him actually calling me this time, and that's been it. So... cool. Mind you, every time I pretty much figure I won't hear from this guy, I do -- nice timing.

Then, once I got into work and finished telling Shawn the minor excitement that is my life, I wound up in conversation with Ben for awhile, with some very extended explanations and admissions of frustrations -- on both sides, of which I was unaware -- and some tentative plans to get together in the near future. Nothing set in stone, but it's a step in the right direction, I presume. We also discussed Moose, and the lack of contact there's been in that direction and some of my concerns there... urgh.

Today was fairly busy through the morning, then it slowed to a crawl/halt for the afternoon. Actually, it's been essentially dead and now I finally get to go. I'm going to escape before that changes... later. :)


How your computer cleans up your desktop for you.

Very long, involved dream last night. Will try to recount it later. Also, Thena really seems to like my tanning lotion -- either that, or she was just feeling very affectionate last night and this morning.


Thena's taken to being weird lately. Okay, so this isn't new, but... some mornings, if I'm not careful, she jumps up on my back as I step out of the shower, wrapped in my towel, and starts clawing at the towel. It doesn't hurt me, because she doesn't get through the towel -- and I don't let her -- but it's not exactly a behaviour I want to encourage, either. Not to mention, when she's got her back claws in my back, that doesn't exactly tickle.

But that's not the weird behaviour. Oh no -- her newest thing is to jump, from the ground, onto my back -- but not up on my shoulders or anything quite so fancy. This is almost as if she's trying to piggy-back me, so I wind up having to put one of my arms behind my back to support her butt until I can get someplace where I can actually set her down. I think maybe this is 'cause I haven't been cuddling her as soon as I get home like I usually do, but... maybe she's just a weird cat.

I watched a bunch of the election coverage with some of my friends last night, and although we are politically inclined, you wouldn't have known it from our conversation last night -- it mostly consisted of us mocking everyone who appeared on screen. We primarily trashed the reporters (where *did* they get those scary-looking people?!), but we were also amazed at the really poor camerawork on one of the channels -- NBC? I can't remember.

I can't speak for everyone else, but I enjoyed the Daily Show's coverage. Samantha Bee's piece of trying to ask people for personal information was hilarious, Rob Cordry's talk about how "the voting booth curtain gave him genital warts" was great, and that hour just flew by. After waiting 2 hours to see the show, it sucked that it was over so soon, but worth the wait -- the Reverend Al Sharpton and the other politician he had on (whose name escapes me) were entertaining as hell, too. I like that Jon Stewart's guests seem to have a good sense of humour, and have fun with the show and the host.

Today I am tired, not feeling 100%, and I want to go home and sleep and cross stitch. I don't know if I can get away with doing it, but I want to try. :) I also want people to realize that there is more than one good writer in the world, and maybe shake themselves loose of the old boys' network.

Writing loose always looks weird to me now that I've seen so many people who can't tell the difference between it and lose. I remember having an argument with my best friend when I younger about the difference between loose and lose. I was right. :D

And in my on-going writing about various people in my life without actually identifying them, I present the following:

I miss you, you know. I miss your company, your sense of humour, your presence, and just hanging out with you. It's funny that you're still under my skin, no matter how many times we revisit the same territory, and I know that things wouldn't work out and I'm not trying to make that happen, but... it's funny that you've found a mushy spot in me and have kept it for yourself, whether or not you actually know about it. I want to cuddle with you, even if nothing else were to take place.


I miss hanging out with you. De-hermit yourself, and/or remember your friends (me?), and realize that I'd like to hang out with you, one-on-one.


On another note, I've posted a minor intro to my NaNoWriMo site, so you can start checking it out and reading it religiously.
I was going to write a Whore's Boudoir article about the difficulties of balancing relationships and friendships, and make it a semi-pointed thing geared towards a few friends of mine who seem to forget about the majority of their friends when they wind up in a new relationship and only focus on the bf/gf's friends, or just each other, but I decided that might be somewhat immature and/or passive-aggressive at this point.

I'd been running an experiment of sorts -- trying to see how long it took people to get back in touch with me or call me up and ask me if I wanted to hang out, now that they're in a relationship -- but at this point... I don't know. The friendship is missed, but this end of it is also somewhat peeved, as is at least one other person, when standard plans get changed and only some people are informed of the change.

Granted, I'm sure some people who suggest that I make first contact and so on, but... I don't know. I feel as though a friendship should be two-sided, and it shouldn't always be me having to do the reaching out to others, especially if there doesn't happen to be a return effort. Hell, one of my friends moved in with the new sweetie, and I don't have the new phone number -- or the book I lent this friend, once upon a time -- or any real way to get in touch with the friend, aside from an email address, to which I sent email and never got a reply.

Fuck. Christmas music just turned up on my Launchcast playlist. Christmas rage this early? Well, I did see that Sears had its "holiday" (i.e., Christmas) garland up before Hallowe'en... how long before we just have year-long Christmas? Urgh.

Anyhow... I'm not trying to say that if someone gets in a relationship, they need to spend as much time as they used to with their friends. It's just that, regardless of how perfect things may be/seem, there are still times that you and your SO might want to be apart -- or have to be apart -- and your friends are often more permanent than your SOs are. Hell, look at the guys that have come and gone in my life -- none of them have hung around the 10+ years that some of my friends have.

I think that friendships, like relationships, go in two directions, and sometimes it's the other side that has to make a bit of the effort, too.

Then again, maybe people just no longer want to be my friend, I don't know.


For those who've been wondering about this lavalife boy that's been driving me buggy, here's an example of a conversation he started today (this after he grouched earlier about me not having said hi when he logged on -- whereby I proceeded to explain that since I was busy, I wasn't about to say hi to everyone that logs on, 'cause otherwise they expect conversation... I wind up having to explain to him about 2-3 times a day that I'm busy, and can't talk). People who use "lol" a lot drive me insane -- when I'm really crabby, I ask them, "are you really laughing out loud every time?!?"

steph says:
did you know i wanted you
I guess not
steph says:
what doyou think of that?
No real thoughts on it
steph says:
so you dont care?
I don't have much to say about it right now, no
steph says:
oh well your loss
I imagine so
steph says:
steph says:
you are really not motivated...so i will really stop wastingmy time
steph says:
im too sweet to be "shafted"
Well, I've tried explaining to you that I don't have a lot of time or ability to talk when I'm at work, but you persist in trying to talk to me when I say I'm busy... I'm sorry if that means you feel shafted.
As well, since I don't think you know much about me, I find it hard to believe that you want me -- so your telling me that doesn't exactly carry a lot of weight with me
steph says:
steph says:
steph says:
your smart..you pass the test
steph says:
steph says:
So, I've decided to go ahead and do NaNoWriMo again this year. I have an idea for my novel, and I think it's something I can carry on for awhile... or at least, I hope so.

We had the Hallowe'en party on Saturday. I felt bad; I got invited to two other parties, and I wasn't able to go to them. The one I did attend was relatively low-key, but it was fun. A friend of mine attended as a kissing booth, which I told him I was going to steal and wear to the bars if I was single next year on Hallowe'en. I'd have stolen it and gone out on Sunday night, but I had to work.

We were up really late, too -- at least, late for us. Because of the time change, we were all talking in terms of "real time" and "yesterday's time," but the party wrapped up around 3 a.m. -- with the time change. So it felt like 4 to many of us. Apparently a bunch of people had a lot of trouble sleeping in the next day... I know I could have easily gone back to sleep, but I wanted to be awake for at least part of the afternoon, before I had to go to work.

Towards the end of the night, there were a few people running around and beating on each other with foam swords. A, one of those who was doing that, then started doing combinations from karate. I started showing similar punches from boxing (more on that later), and then she held up a pillow for me to punch. After a bit of that, N stood up to take a few punches to the chest (I think someone had suggested it, but I don't quite remember), and then Markuk took a few shots, too. Only a few, however... that was the fun part. I was still pulling my punches somewhat, since I've never punched another person for real, and I didn't want to hurt either of us -- my knuckles, or their chest. Weird evening, weird friends.

So earlier in the day, none of the other participants had shown up for boxing. I had actually been hoping for that, but I hadn't expected that my trainer and I would go ahead and do boxing -- I thought we'd wind up doing just weights or something, and since I wasn't feeling too great, I'd figured it would be easier. Mind you, since I overslept and didn't eat much breakfast, weights would've been bad.

So yeah, we wound up doing over an hour straight of boxing stuff -- punches, skipping, and then even knees and kicks. Side kicks are tough for me, 'cause I have wonky hips, but everything else wasn't too bad. My right and left hooks have improved a lot -- I was getting some really consistently solid punches in yesterday. My upper cut is still fairly lame, though. Maybe next week it'll be better.

What else? I met another Lavalife boy for coffee on Saturday. It went well, we've made tentative plans to go out again to see a movie, most likely. I'm still holding back from any major enthusiasm; at this point, I'm just feeling somewhat worn-down and tired of all the effort.

E and I watched "Saved!" on Friday night. Pretty decent movie, nothing too exceptional, but watchable, for sure.

I seem to have lost my train of thought on this, so I think I'll end here and switch to cross-stitching for a bit. I'm so glad it's dead at work today... I need this. :)