And for those who don't read LJ or who have been desperately waiting for me to update (coming eventually), MST party tonight at my apartment. Call for details.


New post up at Whore's Boudoir.

I remembered what else I wanted to talk about yesterday, and it ties a bit into my post. One of the nice things about getting older and meeting people is that it becomes easier to meet people who have a basic idea of what's going on in relationships and/or the bedroom. Suddenly you're meeting guys who understand how to manipulate the g-spot or not anger the clit, and it's wonderful. The training time is cut in half, and the enjoying time is greatly increased.

Now, if you're lucky and it's what you're looking for, feelings go along well with these experiences, too. It's really nice to be able to cuddle with someone after sharing a positive sexual experience and feel warmed and comforted, or even to just share a moment like that without the sex side.

As much as I like my boys to have experienced a bit of life, sometimes it's a bit depressing to suspect or realize that it isn't the first time that the partner has been so into cuddling, or saying sweet nothings or whatnot. But as it was pointed out to me last night, and as I should know from my own history, we're not the same with every person we date, so some behaviours might be new -- after all, they might've been rebuffed by past partners. Who knows?

It's funny that I wrote a post about baggage, given that I've been working through a bunch of mine recently without even really realizing it. It was when I was talking to Shawn last night that I realized what I was doing. I'm a drunk monkey.

Speaking of drunk, I went out on Friday with Ben, Moose and the third brother, and a few other folk. I had three Smirnoff, which is a good night for me, and had a good conversation with Moose. I lost the pool games I played, but managed to keep everything together, so I don't feel bad. I'm not the best pool player -- I just get lucky breaks sometimes -- and I haven't played in forever. Now I kinda want to play again.

Anyhow, after going home, I futzed around online for awhile, and wound up in a really interesting, really revelatory conversation with the Newf for awhile. I don't know if it's the holidays, or his circumstances, or what the story is, but there was stuff in there that was both good and surprising to learn. We arranged to go for lunch the next day to continue the conversation and simply hang out, since we haven't seen one another since things ended (aside from one brief afternoon when he dropped off my stuff and picked up his roommate's game, which I'd borrowed), but that didn't pan out. Ah well. :)

I was making myself stupid yesterday, which I'm prone to do, and my supportive friends are wonderful. :D And by supportive, I'm being heavily sarcastic, but also serious. Basically, they are supportive, but they're supportive in the same way that I am -- abusively. I love it, 'cause it makes me laugh and points out how ridiculous I'm being. In cases where real support is needed, it's obtained, and given in return.

And it looks as though I'll be going into work on my three days off. Boo. Originally it was looking like it would be a 15-30 minute job, depending on where they wanted things posted, but now it's turning into a half-day, given the new work that's come about.

Dear fellow employees: if you suspect that you will need a web page by January 1, then please do not try desperately calling your web employees December 22nd, at 11:50 to request the work get done. Especially since this is the creation of a new page, not a simple posting. Also, just because the Regulations take effect January 1 doesn't mean that registrants really will be submitting things that day. Possibly January 2, when we're all back at work will be sufficient? Argh.

And finally, in another point-and-laugh at Jen moment, my home phone rang this morning around a quarter to ten, waking me up. I have a phone on my headboard, so it's easy to grab (if I remember to keep it in its cradle). I took a second to try to wake up a bit, then answered. The caller asked for Ron; I wasn't sure I'd heard the name right, so asked who. She asked, 'isn't this 555-1234?'

Now, I'm pretty sure the number she gave actually was mine, but I can't think first thing in the morning, so my response was, 'this is 555-... I'm sorry, I don't remember what number this is.' We hung up shortly after.

Now, I've had this number ever since I moved into this place, and while I don't use it as much as I do my cell phone, I am generally able to recite it when it's asked for. Sometimes I second-guess myself, but I'm usually right. Not being able to remember what it is at all, well, that's just me. :)

And second finally, Venus went to the vet yesterday and eventually ended up curled up in my jacket (with a bit of my help, but she was very willing). It was very cute, and I took pictures with my cell phone. If Ben and I end up hacking my various phones as planned, or if I get off my butt and spend the $0.30 to mail it to myself, I'll post it. She was very well-behaved at the vet, and so I'll probably keep her another month or two. We'll see if she behaves in the meantime.

Anyhow, merry Christmas to all of you, and be nice to your loved ones. Spend some naked cuddling time if you get the chance, and if you want to hang out, drop me a line. I'm all about socializing and slightly about school during this break. :)


I love the unique brand of support I get from Shawn, which consists of phrases like, "Shut up he loves your tits" and something more that I tragically didn't save. Stupid ICQ and its stupid non-history saving unless you set it to.

Why yes, I'm fine, why do you ask?


Enamoured, infatuated, in love...

I had a discussion with my boss today, of all people, about boys and love and so on. She said when she first met her husband, she just knew that he was the one for her. I have a cousin who first asked out her now-husband. I know I've made the first move a few times with boys, and I've met the odd guy here and there where I just really wanted them to be as into me as I was into them. I've also met boys where I felt comfortable knowing that they were into me, and it wasn't something I had to question or doubt.

Do guys also get the "I know this is the one for me" feeling?

I've thought I've felt it a few times before, and been very wrong, so I feel suspicious of any kind of positive/hopeful feelings now when it comes to relationships. Maybe not always, but sometimes. There are times I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, because I can be a paranoid twit.

I don't want anyone to read this and think that all I want out of life is a ring on my finger. That would be shallow and ridiculous. What I want is the companionship and the comfort and the someone to lean on and share burdens with. And someone to share the bills with. :)

I thought I had more to say, but I can't think of it. Got a situation ironed out though, and I think it has a favourable outcome. At least, I don't seem to have lost all ties with someone that I found interesting, which is nice. Would've been rather disappointing otherwise.

Also, I could really go for sex right now. Damn this libido of mine, and its crazy schedule!


This made me laugh way too much:

My score on The What Is Your Orgasm Face? Test:


The Ugly
(Your orgasm face is 50 passive and 49 aggressive!)

"This is self explanatory. As there must be balance in life, there must be yin and yang, light and dark, mom and dad, left and right, etc. And if the sex is so damn good you do not care that you are spitting and drooling and looking cross-eyed at your partner like a slimy pseudo Shrek impersonator exploding with glee, chances are, your partner is horrified. Hell you might even scare them into orgasm (see The Face of Fear category).

This look has destroyed many a relationship and marriage. And not because you're a bad lover. It's just...well it's goddamn freaky is what it is. Who likes to have sex with aliens? NO I'm talking Ridley Scott/H.R. Giger Aliens people! Hell, in my experience in face to face combat with "The Ugly", I was scared I was gonna get EATEN ALIVE and immediately started beating her with my shoe. I didn't mean to, it's just instinct of survival.

You're a good lover and a good listener. Use those attributes to your advantage to save yourself from any uneeded abuse, and thus ruining the love-making experience. Be courteous, and either:
a) Switch to a position facing AWAY from each other.
b) Bury your face in the nape of their neck, chest, breasts, whatever, etc.

Partners of "The Ugly" can do the same, or alternately, if their partner has long hair, they can wrap it around their eyes like a bandana and pray to god it ends quick.

View all the categories!

The Face of Fear

The Ugly

The Angry

The Blank

The Happy Dreamy

The "O"


Take it!
Ok Cupid
Good times. It's December 17th, and I'm going to go out for a ride on the motorcycle!

Other good times to list, but for now, that's enough -- gotta get going before the weather changes. :)


I consider it yet another of my body's cruel ironies that the time at which I feel like crap and sort of want no one touching me, I also want someone to take me and fuck my brains out.
One quick one now, one other quick one later.

Details on upcoming Futurama return. I know I'm stoked.


This site is approaching its five year anniversary. It's funny in a way that it's been up so long -- I've been through a lot in that time, and not much of it involves a five-year commitment to anything.

In the last five years, I've:

  • Finished my BA;

  • Started my MA (after a two-year school-free gap);

  • Moved out on my own;

  • Moved again;

  • Lost Chloë, Mike and my grandmother;

  • Gained Shadow, Thena, and Venus;

  • Changed jobs a number of times, resulting in my current career job;

  • Loved and lost a few times;

  • Seen friends move away;

  • Seen friends get engaged, get married, move in and out and in to homes, start families...

It's a lot for a little blog to take. (There was some more in there I remembered yesterday, but now I've forgotten it, too.)

We've moved from the original, much-maligned pink pawprints motif to the current dull, white transition motif -- which has been a transition for how long now? Too long. If only I had graphical skills to go with my new-found HTML skills. Ah well.

I was working on something on our work webpages today that was a challenge, and it was a fun one. I futzed and tried to figure out the best way to implement some navigational changes to the webpages, and I'm pleased with how they worked out. It's nice to look at the code and understand how to change it to make it do what I want -- and have it work exactly as predicted. Maybe I really do have an aptitude for this. :)

I miss writing. I miss having words I want to put on paper, other than governmentese. I have started writing a story again, but it goes in fits and spurts -- mostly fits -- and it's not yet online.

I have such high hopes and plans for 2007, and no desire to articulate them, lest that jinx it. I'm often afraid of chancing my luck on one thing or anything, yet I don't consider myself especially superstitious. Although realistically, I am in a few ways: throwing salt over my shoulder when it's spilled, touching wood when I say certain things... actually, those are probably the main two. I don't fear black cats (I sort of own one; she's more of a dark chocolate brown), I don't fear ladders, and I don't think 13 or 9/11 are cursed numbers or dates.

Anyhow, I'm also afraid of hurting people, which is why my life can be so segmented.

I'm befriending some really fantastic people at work (and outside of it); at work there are some great ladies who make me laugh, and make me glad sometimes that I am who I am -- smart, curious, open-minded, and interested in learning. Maybe the paths haven't always been easy to find or follow, but I've tried, and I've had some degree of success.

I think sometimes I miss my previous job because it had me running around the building more than my current one. Sitting at a desk all day doesn't seem to help my creative processes, such as they are, very much. Maybe it's time to follow the schedule R was laying out -- x number of pages per day. Also, more random brain dumps to unlock things.

I'm planning on a schedule of sorts come January -- school, gym, work... maybe fun writing will fit in, too. I'm sure I can schedule in some socializing and/or dating time.

This weekend is the annual Christmas dinner for my zone friends and me. I almost want to host a party for my other friends, but we'll see. I'm sure there will be other festivities.

Dear lord, this is a dull update. :) I wish I had some kind of exciting sex stories to share, or something of that sort -- since I know that's the only reason you all visit ;) -- but the stories I have in mind are going up on The WB soon. I can't post too often, otherwise I'll have huge gaps in there again. I'm also hoping to clean up some of the hosting issues that are going on with that site, so I can migrate it all to a server I have complete control over and fix up the archives and display. Stuff like that gets a lot easier when you know more than about four lines of HTML, which was what I was previously limited to.

I'm trying to decide what I want to wear to the dinner this weekend. It's either going to be an all-black outfit, or the maroon velvet jacket and skirt N lent me. If I go with all black, then I have to choose either between the tuxedo top or the corset top; if the maroon outfit, then I'll probably wear the black silk halter top I have. Anyone have any thoughts, based solely on the descriptions? :)

I also haven't forgotten about the art presents I'm supposed to be distributing. Now that the school pressure is slightly off (although I'll be doing some work over Christmas), I'll be able to get to work on those. I'm also hoping to clear up the backlog of presents I have, including wedding gifts and so on. It might help clear some space in my apartment -- for new projects, probably. I suck. :)


Thanks to Sarah for letting me know that my comments were screwed up. That's what I get for using an out-of-date system, I guess (damn you Yaccs, for not supporting your product!). Time to try out the Blogger comment system again, this time without requiring my approval to post them. :)


Well, I turned in the last of my school papers today. This paper was frustrating, like the thesis proposal, because neither flowed. I never really trust something I've written if I had to struggle for it, even if they do seem to turn out okay in the end.

It seems as though some of this masters stuff is confusing people, and I guess it's partly because not everyone has to follow the same process, so I'll spell things out.

Because I did an honours BA in the same field I'm currently doing my masters in, I only had to do four courses before I could begin my thesis. I just handed in my last exam for my last course. Beginning in January, I will be working on my thesis.

I have, however, had to write a thesis proposal, which I did, and turned in December 1st of this year. On Wednesday I get to appear before the graduate committee and have them tell me things that suck about my thesis proposal; this is my thesis proposal defence.

I have not yet begun any work on my thesis. In January I will be starting the literature review -- the exciting reading of all the theory that will support and challenge that which I am writing. Contrary to what some people have stated or believe, despite the fact that the case study for my assertions is Buffy, my thesis does not and will not consist of me sitting around watching the show. There may be days where I will have to watch episodes, either to analyse them or to find particular portrayals or character traits, and I may be looking for company when I do that, but that will definitely not be how I get to spend the bulk of next year.

I was telling someone today that, if things progress as they're supposed to (i.e., I don't take the extra time I'm permitted to finish my thesis), I could have my masters as early as the end of the summer. That's both terrifying and awesome.

Anyhow, after I submit my thesis, I will then have to undergo a thesis defence. This portion is before the graduate committee again, and is actually open to the public. I know of a few people who have said they'd like to attend; if you're one of them, let me know and I will make details available. That's quite some time from now, though.

I enjoyed indulging in a few of my vices tonight. I'm going to go enjoy another before I pass out. :)

But one final note goes out to Big A -- congratulations on your engagement, my friend. I'm very happy for you and wish you both all the best. :)


Updated Whore's Boudoir. Not my best work, but...
And just because I forgot to mention it last night, when I was shopping for some remaining Christmas gifts yesterday (out in the east end, oh joy!), I was asked by a young girl for helping getting something down off of a shelf.

Hah, I'm not that short!

I've also moved to Blogger Beta, which wanted to be linked to my gmail account (so annoying how many things are doing that now). In the process, I discovered some old comments that hadn't been moderated/posted -- I apologize to those of you who were using the Blogger comment system whose comments never made it up. There was a warning about identity theft, but I won't bother going into it because I don't want anyone to take it as a challenge. Suffice it to say that yes, I have left rather decent footprints on the internets, and yes, my habit of using similar user names makes it easy enough to follow me from one place to another (hell, it's in the URL for this blog), but I still take basic precautions.

Anyhow, back to the paper. :P
Just a quick note before bed (out of all the thoughts I've been having lately that have not made it into post form):

I was playing Trivial Pursuit 90s today with R, N and OFK. I was seated facing OFK. There was a question about some president calling Tipper Gore the second lady of vice (Tipper Gore being the answer -- remember this if it ever comes up!). OFK said he wondered who the first lady of vice was. I gave him a big wink, cracked us both up.

I like when I'm funny -- it's only ever off-the-cuff stuff, but it makes me laugh.

We seemed to keep getting similar questions coming up, or questions that had the same answer over and over again. One highlight was Jaguar, from the Atari gaming system. The others I don't exactly recall.

Anyhow, time for bed -- as usual, running off of a sleep deficit. And hey, I have a paper to write tomorrow that's due Monday. Fortunately there's also a baby party/open house I want to attend tomorrow, so you'd better believe the pressure will be on.

I spent time watching "Date Movie" today, because it was 'free' through my Rogers on Demand. Horrible, horrible movie. Not even worth it for the Alyson Hannigan. Poke your eyes out first.


I have had so many conversations the last while where I felt all I was doing was shoving my foot further and further down my throat. That is, if people were looking for meaning in what I was saying, it would seem as though that was the case. Fortunately, it doesn’t seem to be so, or the person(s) in question isn’t/aren’t reading my words that way, so that’s good.

I promise, sometimes I’m just honestly stupid.

I got my thesis proposal submitted with a medium of fuss and bother. I was up until 5 a.m. the night before it was due finalizing it, and I can blame Moose and myself for a good part of that. I love when people don’t listen to or don’t respect me saying ‘I’m busy.’ I also love that I’m not often strong-willed enough to say something like that and make it stick. I suck.

Of course, sometimes I play mean and feel as though I’m coming off as a complete and utter bitch. Case in point, the Christmas dinner I took the reins of for my friends and I this year. I ignored the feeble protests about location and chose a restaurant downtown, because it was better than having everyone drive out to the west end, then backwards to the south-east end. Now I did have to change the restaurant, but that was because the original one couldn’t completely accommodate us. No complaints.

The fun part however is asking everyone to contribute to the table d’hote. Yes, having a table d’hote can be frustrating because of all the different taste preferences and so on, but at some point I’m going to have to rein things in again and set forth food options and make people privately bitch and moan about me. :) As it is, I think there are some five or six dishes that have been chosen for the entrees, which isn’t going to work (we’re limited to four). I don’t know, whenever stuff like this gets planned, I usually try to keep my mouth shut on anything unless I have a conflict or a really strong preference. Since I’m planning it, for example, I’ve chosen gnocchi as one of the entrees. Hah! If I weren’t planning it, I’d probably be saying, “I like gnocchi, but I also like Italian, so I’ll probably be okay with whatever’s there, so long as there’s a non-cream based food or non-seafood option.” Which is possibly stressful in and of itself. *shrug*

Ah well, it’s probably the least stressful thing in my life right now, so I’m not overly complaining. Much. :)

I do still have a paper hanging over my head, but I’m likely going to be using this weekend to write it, since I don’t seem to be doing much work on it so far this week. Tonight is a new episode of Gilmore Girls that might finally deal in some way with the Luke-Lorelei storyline more than just a brief scene here and there, and I have a movie I rented this weekend that I still haven’t watched yet.

I did rent “Love me if you dare” (Jeux d’enfants), which wasn’t a bad film until the ending, which pissed me off because it had one of those grand romantic bullshit gestures that if it were to take place in real life would make me want to go beat the crap out of my friends/relatives/whomever for being so ridiculously stupid. Then again, maybe I just haven’t been in love so strongly that I would… no, I’m not going to ruin it, and I’m never going to be that asinine.

I didn’t sleep very well on Sunday at all for no discernible reason. Maybe I was too warm, but that didn’t seem to be the only contributing factor. I made it through the day and thought I was doing okay, but I went to bed early and overslept this morning (9.5 hours in all!), so obviously I was in need.

It’s funny how sometimes when I try to talk about my friends to other people who don’t know them, they question how person x or person y can actually be my friend. Or they say they aren’t really friends of mine, and in some cases, I have to agree. For example, I know someone who is in a relationship with someone who is married. The people know one another, this is an open issue and is not in questionable circumstances, and I respect that and do not cast judgement. I only know the ‘outsider’ to the couple (i.e., the one who is not married), but have seen photos of them together. The other half of the married couple is also dating outside of their marriage – again, with the full knowledge and consent of the espoused.

This is not the first open arrangement to which I have been exposed, and I recognize that while I do not think it could work for me, it does for many people, and as such, I do not judge. Even if I did judge, I recognize that it has absolutely no bearing on my life, so who cares if I approve or not?

That said, there are circumstances in which the outsider I know feels that s/he may be getting too emotionally involved with the married person, and that s/he doesn’t feel there is a future to this entanglement, and it is not the ideal situation for her/him, so that can be problematic. However, again, not my life, not my relationships, not my problem.

The frustrating thing about this outsider is that s/he is judging me and my carryings-on. S/he feels that because I have no problems meeting people for a casual coffee (which is now immeasurably linked in my head to a euphemism, thanks to a coworker of mine) while I might be dating someone, that I am looking for something more. S/he has said that s/he thinks I am jumping from boy to boy; never mind that s/he doesn’t know the boys I date (minus one), and that s/he doesn’t know the circumstances under which I either a) start dating a given boy, or b) break up with a given boy, beyond what I might happen to share. And even at that, I don’t usually share the full story with her/him, because I know how talk spreads.

In one scenario I can think of, I was commuting home with this outsider and a few colleagues. I was talking very generally about relationships and meeting boys, and the outsider pointed out that I was seeing someone (fortunately for me, because I’d almost forgotten and all). I said that I was aware of that, and that I hadn’t spoken to that person in nearly two weeks. Outsider semi-pointedly asked me if my phone was broken, to which I replied that no, it wasn’t, and that I had called and left a message a few days prior, and that the boy also had contact numbers for me, could call me at any time, etc. While I accept my share of the responsibility in a relationship, I’m not the only one in said relationship, and as such, should not and will not bear the blame for situations such as those.

Fortunately my colleague supported me both there and the following day (when the outsider wasn’t present), and the outsider later semi-apologized for being a bit harsh in her/his comments.

Regardless, no one but me knows the dating history I have experienced. Even friends or relatives who have known me while I’ve been dating various boys or have been friends with various boys or even just liked them, don’t know how things are between that boy and I, except for me and that boy (oh, how I murdered that sentence). Even the boy may not realize how he was treating me while we were dating – do you think UBFM feels that he was abusive towards me? Do you think Boys X and Y feel they were passive-aggressive towards me? Do you think the Boy X feels that he was immature and unreasonable? Do you think the coworker feels he has a victim complex, and used me and my (admittedly not-pure) actions to feed into that?

Do you think anyone knows of these issues if I don’t talk about them?

Because realistically, there’s a lot I don’t put on this site for a multitude of reasons. There’s a lot I don’t tell my friends or family about boys I’m dating. So no, I don’t think that it’s fair of outsider to cast judgement on me and my actions, and I do my best to either stop her/him from telling them to me, or explain what’s going on.

Such as (and this ties into a conversation I had with Moose this weekend), if you are seeing someone, and there has not been an “I want to be exclusive/yes, me too” conversation, then you are not inherently tied to that sole person. I personally feel that when you are being physical to whatever extent together – if clothes are starting to come off, especially on a regular basis – there is a line that starts being drawn, but even that isn’t entirely fixed in stone.

Before I started seeing the Smooshy, I was seeing three different boys. One had hugged me, the others and I had had make-out sessions. One of those was talking dirty to me and trying to get me to grab his dick (on our first date), and the other was trying to get me to sleep with him on our third date. I passed on both opportunities. The Smooshy and I hit it off immediately, and I called the other boys and said I couldn’t see them anymore. Problems solved. He was in similar circumstances, though I don’t know how physical he had gotten with any of them, and he did the same thing. Because I hadn’t had any “We’re exclusive? Yes we are!” conversations with the other boys, I didn’t feel guilty in the least about dating them at the same time. If something had progressed with one of those three, I’d have called off the others.

But that doesn’t mean that when I’m dating and haven’t had an exclusive conversation with someone that I’m automatically seeing other people, either. There are times that I don’t have the energy or wherewithal to go out looking for other boys, or I haven’t met any, or I simply like the one I’m seeing and don’t want to go out looking. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t stop chatting with people, or possibly meeting them for coffee or whatnot. It simply means that I let them know upfront there isn’t going to be anything romantic progressing from said meeting. Outsider was saying that s/he has enough friends, so doesn’t go looking for more in circumstances such as the ones I’m describing. I simply said that I’d been speaking to two boys for awhile, enjoyed chatting with them and had nothing against meeting face-to-face. While outsider may feel that s/he has plenty of friends and doesn’t need to cultivate more, and I have my moments of feeling the same way, I like meeting new people, and I find that it helps me overcome much of my shyness.

Plus, it helps me practice my skills at talking non-stop or damn near for an hour at a time.

So yes, colleagues of mine have enjoyed pointing out that outsider has no right to judge me (I agree), and that s/he is no friend of mine and so on. I have another colleague I’ve spoken to about his/her romantic tribulations, and I have expressed advice and opinions (at his/her request), and have my thoughts on the matter, but it’s not my life, I only know that which s/he shares, and the circumstances are not necessarily as I picture them. It’s a shame more people can’t do the same. Mind you, I’m used to being judged; I’ve lived with it my whole life.

It would be nice though, if I could stop getting flat pop out of the vending machine downstairs. This makes two in a row, and I’m unhappy about it.

How’ve you been?


I had an interesting discussion with Markuk yesterday about the ways in which women end up manipulating men -- and how we have to do it.

Now, let me pre-empt this by saying that I'm against manipulation as a general rule. If you want something from me, tell me, don't try to trick me into doing or saying it. Unless we're in a long-term relationship and you want me to put out, then you can 'trick' me into doing it by getting me hot and bothered, in which case I'll probably wind up jumping you.

*cough* Sorry, brain side-tracked there.

Anyways, I do think that overt manipulation -- where both parties know damn well what's going on -- can be entertaining. I used to do this to Markuk on occasion, where I 'manipulate' him into staying late at work talking to me or what-have-you. No harm, no foul.

But in order to keep peace between the genders, at least in the realm of love and war, sometimes there is some subtle machinations that have to take place. I was saying that it was our way of evening the game out, since I feel men typically wind up holding all the cards in the relationship world. That said, there are times where I do sense I have the greater power in the relationship, and it bothers me... at the same time, feeling insecure and uncertain and off-balance is always horrible.

An edited version of our conversation follows:

Me: There is a certain level of comfort and security in knowing a guy likes you, even if you don't want to pursue it right then; I had that with GLR
Him: kind of unfair, ;-)
Me: Yup, but we let you guys hold most of the deck, so having one or two cards sometimes feels like just evening out the odds
Him: what is this 'guys hold the deck' BS?
Him: lol
Me: zomg, you guys have the deck completely stacked in your favour
Him: how so? no, really.
Him: and don't give me this 'we don't have periods o[r] babies' nonsense - I mean, relationship-wise. ;-)
Me: Oh, I wasn't going to play that angle, so shut up :)
Him: k, jokes aside - explanations, please. ;-)
Me: This would be slightly easier over the phone, but I'll see what I can do.
Me: Even in a great relationship, women have to play games in order to keep from scaring away men.
Me: It's bullshit, and I hate it, but we do it.
Me: If I was completely honest with [insert name of boy here], I'd have scared him away immediately after we met. And really, if a guy acted towards me the way I sort of wanted to act, I'd be terrified, too -- unless I felt the same way in return.
Me: We have to let you guys think that certain things are your idea -- monogamy in the relationship, sharing keys, moving in together, whatever -- otherwise, we're pushing for commitment or trying to move too quickly, or just crazy-marriage-baby-centric.
Him: k, fair enough.
Me: So even though I'd love to say to a boy, "Hey, I really like you, and I'd like it if we were just seeing each other," I'm not going to bring it up until he does.
Me: So, because I'm a paranoid twit and completely lacking in self-confidence, I'm going to have moments of wondering if he's seeing other people, until we have that conversation -- that he has to initiate.
Me: At the same time, I'm not going to feel guilty if I meet someone else for coffee, even though I'm not going to let it go beyond just casual hanging out, because I don't want to compromise things and I'm not interested in dating multiple people at the moment.
Me: Hell, I'm not even sure if I can go ahead and lean in and kiss him when I want to, lest I'm being too assuming or whatnot -- another game we have to try to play.
Me: Mind you, most guys seem to like forward girls and don't really object about them making first moves, but still...
Me: Can't seem too 'comfortable/girlfriendy' too early on -- although I might've been relatively open with him in some regards.
Him: yes, you're touching on the first rule of guy paranoia.... the fact that we guys have to make the first moves for everything.
Me: Yeah, I know
Him: especially annoying when we find you hard to read...
Me: And I feel bad, but really... I've only made the first move a few times.
Him: and has it ever backfired?
Me: I couldn't actually think of a time where I did the first kiss, so I did it with the last guy. Seemed to go okay, though the kiss itself was a bit of a letdown
Me: Don't think so; I'm fairly kissable. ;)
Him: lol - exactly! ;-)

As a rule, I don't like playing games, but realistically, I always am in a sense. I'm usually holding part of myself back until I'm comfortable and know that I can relax and act on my usual impulses/instincts. Although it's a good thing that I don't, as a rule, 'cause otherwise more people might be getting kisses when they don't want them! :)

Anyhow, time to get to the thesis proposal. I've already had a bit of my "oh my god I can't do this I'm going to fail and not only won't they let me have an MA, but they're also going to take away my BA" freakout, so I should be okay for the evening.

Once I turn this in, I plan on spending the rest of the weekend drunk. And then, once I get my other class paper turned in, I'll be spending the rest of the month drunk. It'll be a very merry Christmas for me!


Now, I don't want to alarm anyone, but I've recently made a discovery about myself that I need to share with you all.

I'm short.

I suppose in a way, I've always suspected I was short, but I was never really certain that was the case. I thought for awhile in high school that I was short, but I figured it was just a phase I was going through. A lot of people were experimenting with their height, so no one really noticed mine.

In university and beyond, it was more of the same story; short people, tall people, people who couldn’t make up their mind and were just ‘average’ – all over the place.

But yesterday at work, I was standing next to one of my coworkers, wearing my work shoes with their heels, and I realized that she was short. She complained that she was never going to wear flats again, and I told her that today I would wear my flattest shoes.

So today when I came in to work, I took off my boots with their big heels, and I put on my cheap canvas shoes with no heels, no cushioning, no padding. I was embracing my true identity as a short person.

Suddenly, my pants fit differently, and I have a different perspective on my coworkers. Just now, returning from lunch, I was standing next to two of them: a guy who stands a fair height, and a girl who’s taller than me to begin with, and also was wearing heels. And I felt short, and I felt good.

My name is Jen, and I’m short. And damn proud of it.

On another note, why is it that whenever I’m shopping, the sales clerks like to give me tips on dressing that invariably include the line, “and this cut/colour combination/style will lengthen you/make you look taller.” Okay, I can understand the “lengthen you” comment that translates to, “won’t make you look stumpy/dumpy/whatever” and that’s not a style of my body I’m trying to play up, but at the same time, I’m not trying to look taller. I wear heels sometimes because I like the way they look, but it’s not because I have a problem with being 5’2” and I’m trying to hide that. I don’t want to look squat, but I don’t care about trying to look tall. I’d rather just wear something that flatters me.

Which explains why I wear so many shapeless tops, especially in the winter. Man it’s tough to look attractive when you have to wear forty layers because you’re always freezing.


I'm giving serious thought to trying to implement my 'boys pee sitting down' policy in my apartment. I have to tell you, there's very little grosser than cleaning a toilet and having to clean other people's pee stains -- especially when you're the primary peer and you always do it sitting down.

It somehow seems worse when you've just cleaned the toilet, too -- all that hard work down the drain, so to speak.

Boys are gross.

And yes, you guys do splash pee everywhere. Take something that changes the colour of your pee -- you'll see.

It's funny how defensive they can get about it, too. I'm sorry, but if I'm going to the bathroom after you and there's something on the front edge of the toilet -- or behind the lid -- then I know you've had some kind of splashing going on.



Is there any easy way to tell someone that advice they give or comments they make are actually the opposite of helpful?

I went out last night and socialized with a bunch of friends. They were playing the game Guitar Hero II, which seemed kinda neat except for where most of the songs were unrecognizable to us. Instead, I mostly knit and talked to people. I got a backrub, which was very nice, and JJ said that I was very tight. I responded by saying that, "yes, I've been told that before." He then said that he was the only person in our group who wouldn't know, so I pinched him, which he said he deserved.

He also said later I was cranky. I'm not sure if I was cranky, but I was in a weird mood. I didn't want to be at home, but I sort of didn't want to be with the group in some ways.

Greg and Madeleine's little girl was being very social last night, which was cute. She seemed quite happy to see people, and was clapping her hands and grinning and making lots of noises. I was walking her around the house a bit, partly to give OFK a break and partly just 'cause it was fun.

In other news, the GLR and I ended. Ultimately, I think we weren't working as a couple, and that he need someone who is more or does more for him than I am or do. It was starting to feel like it might become a Smooshy situation -- where all I was hearing was how I didn't do x, y and z, completely disregarding that I did do a, b and c -- and I didn't want it to get to that point. But friendship is still on the cards.

It's been a bit of a crazy season, and I'm looking forward to things slowing down. I got through my presentation on Thursday, and it seemed to go okay. There were suggestions for improvements and questions about my statements, which was fine -- they did that to others as well. The only frustrating part was that my internet connection died and so I couldn't play any of the commercials I had, but oh well.

Next major hurdle is the thesis proposal. I have to refine the theory and rework it before I send it in on December 1st, and then I have the paper due for my class either December 7th or 11th. The original due date was the 7th, and I want to still aim for it so that I can relax for more of December, but knowing me, I'll be doing it at midnight on the 10th. :P

Today I'm going to be doing a bit of shopping with Mom and some Christmas shopping, so if there's something you want, speak up quickly! You can also call or text my cell phone, which I'll have with me. :)

Anyhow, time for food and shower. I'm starving and possibly grody. One of my kitties was giving me a nice backrub when I was talking to my mom on the phone, too -- I knew I kept them around for some reason.


I think I managed to hurt my back and/or shoulder yesterday masturbating.

Have fun with this one.


I got this at work and thought it was funny:

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit &Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


Do you consider yourself good in bed?

If so, what makes you that way?

If not, what do you think you need to improve?


Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.

I like airline humour:

Economy-Class Wednesday One-Liners

AirTran flight attendant over intercom: We hope you ladies and gentlemen had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the windows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like.


Airline employee over loudspeaker: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Airline loudspeaker, 10 minutes later: Seriously, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Airline Loudspeaker, 10 more minutes later: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now!

--JFK Airport

Overheard by: Kim

Flight attendant: The captain has advised us that our flying time will be quick, at an altitude of high and a speed of fast.

--JFK airport

Flight attendant: We do encounter bumps between the runway and the gate -- that's not my fault. It's not even the captain's fault. It's the asphalt.

--JFK airport

Flight Attendant: Thank you for flying US Airways, and have a happy... happy... what the hell holiday is this? Columbus? Psssh, that ain't no holiday. Have a good week!

--LaGuardia Airport

American Airline pilot: Ok guys, we're just waiting on some United dude to clear our tail so we can push.

--La Guardia Airport - about to take off

Overheard by: So K

Pilot flying into LaGuardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beautiful, famous downtown skyline of Manhattan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side... [pause, sighing] New Jersey.


Overheard by: mj kiran

via Overheard in New York, Nov 15, 2006


I love that my yahoo account's failure messages sound like really quick break-up emails:

"Hi. This is the qmail-send program at yahoo.com.
I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses.
This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out."


Sometimes I love my useless brain.

I was watching the final episode of season four of Friends the other night, which is the one where Ross and Emily are getting married in England, and Rachel is flying in to tell Ross she loves him.

On the plane, she's telling her tale of woe to another passenger, and there's a guy sitting next to her who's being rude, but understandably so -- he doesn't want to listen, and in the end, he winds up telling her that he thinks she's being selfish and that they had been on a break.

At one point, he bites his fist at her, and I thought, 'Could that be Hugh Laurie?'

I check IMDb this morning when I finally remember, and sure enough, it is.

Now if only there was some way to parlay this dubious talent into money...


In case you were wondering, I'm not dead yet. I haven't even been hugely busy, just not really in the mood to update or something. I've been working on a sweater in the evenings, 'cause I want to get the knitting out of the way before I have to devote myself completely to revising my thesis proposal and writing my paper and presentation for my class that I'm taking.

I'm going to be so glad to be finished with class.

I took on the planning of our group Christmas party this year, which wasn't too awful, since I don't take no guff from nobody. Okay, that's bull, but whatever.

I've also been stupidly tired for the last while. Even when I go to bed at a reasonable hour it seems like I still wake up zonked. As a consequence, I haven't been in the best of moods the last while, but I'm managing.

I went to see Borat last night with the GLR (who will be receiving a name change soon, since I was told that he wasn't the one who had signed as the GLR) and some of his friends. I was enjoying it in a "holy crap, I can't believe they just said/did that" kind of way until one particular scene that had me laughing so hard I was crying. Those of you who've seen the movie will know it -- those of you who haven't, well, you'll know it when it arrives.

I also knew I recognized his producer from somewhere -- the guy was in an episode of Gilmore Girls. Curse this useless brain!

Okay, time for shower and class. Whee.


I just wrote a javascript to display how many seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years it will be until I turn 30. Is it sad that I found this fun?

My boss called me a nerd earlier, because I know more about computers than she does. I hardly know shit about computers in comparison to many of my friends, but around here I'm a nerd. :P


The first five people to respond to this post will receive some form of art, by me, for them. I make no guarantees about quality or type, only of individuality.

There's a catch, of course, as with most memes: if you sign up, you have to put this in your own journal too...

Warning: don't expect anything resembling punctuality. I'm backed up on school and projects, but welcome diversions from my life. :) If art items have to be mailed, contact me at figure out the trick with a mailing address.


I killed my fish this weekend, and I feel depressed about it.

In a fit of good will, I decided to clean his tank out. It had been looking kind of grungy, and -- confession alert -- I hadn't cleaned it since I got him, probably around a year ago. He never seemed to particularly care, and his appetite was always good, so I never worried too much about it. Fish in my household don't get fed every day, but I've been told with Bettas that's acceptable.

So, I don't know if it was the shock of the fresh water, or if I simply didn't rinse the tank out well enough, but I found him dead the next day. I guess I'm fortunate in a way that my cats are made of hardier stuff.

Of course, that doesn't mean I don't cause them injury on occasion. I was trimming Thena's nails the other night and managed to cut one of them too short -- I nicked her quick. So, she bled. She was pretty calm about it, beyond her usual bitchfest that takes place whenever I trim her nails (maybe tied to the fact that I cut her quick once when she was a baby, or maybe just because she hates it period). I held some Kleenex to her nail and she stayed pretty still while I applied the pressure, and it stopped the worst of the bleeding fairly quickly. This means I still have four nails to cut on that paw (I'd already finished one), so poor thing has to go through this again soon.

On the whole, the weekend wasn't too bad. Friday night I saw the Frantics and really enjoyed the show. Saturday and the subsequent days have been days for me to get back in touch with people I haven't spoken to for awhile. It was prompted by conversations with a former coworker and the Newf on Saturday, and a phone call from the runner ex-, then I initiated a few calls myself -- one to Big A, with whom I hadn't spoken in probably over a year, and one to Moose that evening, on my way to Stefan's to hang out.

I felt weird vibes that evening once Stefan's gf showed up; I felt like I was maybe unwelcome or that she's still upset with me as a result of all the drama that took place, but it might just be due her having been seriously ill. I suppose I could ask, but I'm trying to avoid stirring the pot if I can.

I also spoke with a classmate of mine today, who I hadn't been in touch with since the summer. I stopped getting emails from the crowd, so I wasn't sure if I was being phased out, or if they'd just stopped trying or what. We're having coffee on the weekend to catch up, though, and they've been wondering if I was dead or even still in the program, so that's a good sign. I'm taking a course this semester at the other university, so that's why I haven't seen them in class.

It's been odd catching up on peoples' relationships the last bit. Big A is living with his lady friend, which didn't surprise me, and the big question is apparently not too far off of the horizon. My classmate, on the other hand, is getting divorced, but she says things are amicable, which makes it harder on the one hand, and kinder overall, I imagine. Big A's status threw me for a bit of a loop; I mean, I wasn't entirely surprised, but I'm definitely a bit envious. Of course, you've all heard that bemoaning a thousand times before, and so I'll try my best to keep it to a minimum: whine whine whine, why haven't I found Mr. Perfect yet when all around me are people marrying their first or second boyfriends/girlfriends?

Okay, I'm done. I'm also hungry, so I'm off to grab some lunch.


I had a dream last night in which the UBFM was present. I think he had come over to my apartment/house (in my dream it wasn't my actual current place) in order to talk to me about something or try to make nice again or I don't know what. He looked exactly the same, and I wanted nothing to do with him. At least dream me can be sensible.

Some other part of my dream had a friend of mine (who I never see anymore, and has been dating the same girl forever) whose identity I will not name to protect him, trying to sex me up -- with the girlfriend's knowledge (in my dream, their relationship was an open one). We ended up in the backyard of whatever house we had been at, near a cheap metal jungle gym (the kind we all had when we were kids), me floating on my back with flood waters rising around us, me wearing a motorcycle helmet and vibrating underwear, and he pressing his mouth against me to make the vibrations more intense. My head kept dipping slightly under the water (who can blame it, I was wearing a heavy helmet), but my face never got submerged, and I wasn't freaked out or concerned or anything, just enjoying myself.

Let's all pause for a moment to express the thoughts we're all having together: Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot?!

I concur.

Fortunately for my sanity, the two parts of the dream weren’t connected.

Now, moving on to a few rants I’ve been allowing to fester for a little while now. I email back and forth with a few friends when I’m at work. One of these acquaintances and I were speaking about motorcycle etiquette one time after he asked me if I’d ridden to work that day. He had to work overtime and wanted a lift home, as he didn’t particularly care for riding the bus. My first response was to say that I hadn’t ridden in that day (which was true), and the conversation carried on from there. I’ll repost it rather than try to summarize it for you:

Him: Hey, you still breathing over there? If not, can I have your motorcycle?

Me: Yes and no. My dad's already claimed first rights should I decide to sell it, even if it's not his dream bike. I also have a friend whose brother is in love with Ninjas and would probably love the chance to buy it.

Him: I don't imagine you rode it in to work today, did you? I have to work overtime tonight and I don't feel like taking the bus at the godforsaken hour of 8 o'clock with all the cannibals and CHUDs and other assorted lowlifes. :)

Me: I thought about it, but didn't for various reasons. You're welcome to climb on board if you have your own equipment and feel comfortable with a driver who's still quite novice and is only still getting used to driving herself around, let alone a passenger. I've once taken a friend for a drive around a large parking lot, but haven't been out in public or at speed with anyone.

Plus, if you've never ridden a bike before, there's a fair bit to know if you don't want to kill yourself and the driver.

Him You mean apart from the "don't hold your hands over the driver's eyes" rule? How much more complicated could it be? You did trust me enough to let me drive you around without fearing for your life, I could probably return the favour.

Me: Lean with the driver, don't lean too far over and don't fight the bike when it does lean. Keep your feet on the pegs at all times. Keep close to the driver. Don't suddenly throw your weight around. The bike also handles *hugely* differently when there's a second person on it vs. just me. Given that its max weight capacity is meant to be 396 lbs, two people on it is starting to get very close to that. More expensive on gas, too.

It's a lot of balance and safety issues. Again, I've never ridden in traffic with anyone else, and I'm not about to start in the middle of the fall, when there are environmental conditions to account for as well as passenger safety ones. Not to mention that my bike is not especially suited to having a passenger -- if I sit on the back, my knees come up past my dad's hips, and I don't have long legs. I've had many people ask to be driven around, and I turn them all down.

Him Those rules are all common sense, but remembering them in the middle of a turn if you're not used to riding on a bike might be a bit difficult. Whoa whoa whoa, two people on the bike approach 400 lbs??!? You're what, maybe 130? I, my dear, am nowhere near 270 lbs. I'm proud to say I'm hovering near 155.

Me: Exactly why I'm not rushing to put someone on my bike that isn't used to riding on one. It's not common sense -- it's that if you don't follow these rules, you will screw up the driving. It'd be the equivalent of the passenger, while you were turning the steering wheel to the left to make a left-hand turn, reaching over and pulling the wheel to the right. If someone tried to ride with me and couldn't keep things straight, I'd feel no compunction whatsoever about leaving them on the side of a road somewhere. I'm not about to die just because someone can't follow simple rules.

And no, I weigh around 150 lbs. Many of my friends are anywhere from 180-200 lbs themselves, and over 6 feet tall. All of these influence how the bike performs.

Him: You don't look 150. And geez, get some skinny friends already.

And fine, I'll take my chances on the bus. But if you read a story about a half-eaten corpse found on a bus tomorrow, remember I asked you to give me a lift home.

Me: I'm talking about male friends, and they're hardly fat people.

Also, you may recall I said at the beginning of all of this that I didn't take the bike in.

Him: Yes, I do recall that, but I could hardly use the line in an obviously vain attempt to plant guilt if I adhered to that, could I? I mean, come on.

Me: Whining about me not giving you a lift home is hardly going to inspire a shred a guilt in me.
I got pissed around the time he said the line about how all of that is a lot for someone who’s never been on a bike before to remember. I felt as though he was telling me that my safety didn’t matter – that if someone couldn’t be bothered to remember a few simple things, it would be okay that they might do something to make me lose control of my bike and possibly even cause an accident. Needless to say, even if I were taking people for rides on my bike routinely, I wouldn’t be taking him out.

Brief rant: Why is it that whenever there’s been a pregnancy scare in my life (and there haven’t been any that were realistically a concern, just one broken condom at a not-ideal but still okay time and one or two bouts of extreme paranoia based on nothing), the guy goes off on how he isn’t ready to be a dad, doesn’t want kids right now, etc., etc., making it sound as though I’ve been dancing around, begging to be impregnated, desperate for sperm, poking holes in condoms and forcing him to fuck me without protection? Who the hell said I was ready to be a mom right now, or give my body over to another human being in that sense? Argh.

Next longer rant: I’m doing a masters of communications degree with a focus in media studies. My thesis will be on portrayals of masculinity in contemporary television, using Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a case study. Sure, it may not win be a Nobel peace prize, or solve world hunger, but I think it’s an interesting subject to explore, and it’s where my interests and supposed talents (may) lie.

I also have a bachelors degree in communications. I went to school full time at that time and worked part time in order to pay for it. My BA qualified me for my previous and current jobs, and the skills I’ve learned through school and through practical work experience have further qualified me and sustained me in my career. They will also help open doors for me in the future.

Now, that’s me. I went the education route because I like school, I like learning, and it was where my interests were. School has always been important to me, up to and including times where I was upset enough about a failed grade that I did cry, because I was and am a loser.

That said, I have friends who have either not done or not completed post-secondary education and they have gone even further in their fields than I have currently, and are successful for whatever given definition of success you care to use. I’m using it in the sense that they have careers, roofs over their head, food on their plates, clothes on their back, and aren’t having to count pennies from month to month. I’m happy for them.

However, some of these people don’t seem to understand why it is that I have chosen to do post-graduate work, or why I even did an undergrad in the first place. That’s fine; I may not understand other peoples’ life choices, and I’ll certainly question them to others, but I try to avoid doing it too much to them.

But what it has meant is that there’s a notable lack of respect for my chosen path(s), and that does bother me. I distinctly recall telling a friend while I was doing my undergrad that I couldn’t go out a particular evening or as often as he was suggesting because of reading/papers/exams/classes. He said, though maybe not in so many words, that I should blow off said work and go out or meet up with him.

I’ve had put down the amount of work that is going to have to go into my thesis, and I’ve had a friend state that he and his wife got into a fight over his belief that I didn’t need to do a masters degree – he told me that while he still didn’t think I needed to do it/understand why I was doing it, that he supported my choice to do it.

Uh, thanks.

I realize that not everyone thinks studying pop culture or the media is important. I think it is, and I won’t bore you with the reasons why. I realize that not everyone needs to pursue formal education in order to learn or further their prospects for career advancement. I realize that some people can take a textbook, sit down with it and learn its contents without a great deal of struggle.

But – there is much more beyond that that goes on in university. It’s discussing the concepts, the theories, the history, the practices of your chosen field. Not everyone professor teaches word for word from a textbook, and not every idea expressed by fellow classmates, guest lecturers or professors is written down somewhere to be absorbed. Not everyone engages with the material in the same manner, and not every thought one has is sparked simply by what’s on a page somewhere.

I’m not knocking reading – I love to read. I stayed up until midnight last night so I could finish Terry Pratchett’s latest book. But there are so many people who don’t learn everything just from reading a book, and to assume that one can gain the equivalent of a bachelors degree or masters degree’s level of education through self-study may be laughable.

I say may be; I know there is much to be gained from practical experience. I have a coworker who’s worked for the government in some capacity or another for 16 years; he has a much easier time writing ‘government-ese’ than I do, and he doesn’t have a degree. But because of our backgrounds and our training, we process information differently, and that’s to both of our advantages.

But when someone belittles my choice of education or tells me I can blow off this or that for entertainment, it makes me feel as though they don’t respect me. I realize that communications is a field that’s regularly mocked. But I tell everyone who does so or brings up that point that an arts degree is far from a bird degree, especially if your skills don’t lie in reading, writing and processing information and conveying it coherently.

Those of you who read this site recognize that I don’t always explain things very well. It’s common – what I think is explained clearly won’t be to everyone, either because of my choice of words, or the other’s manner of interpreting it. But I can generally write clearly and my thought process, when I put some into it (instead of a brain dump such as this) is usually – I’ve been told – fairly easy to follow. Hell, I’ve been told that even my brain dumps can be easily followed. Who knew? I can’t say it’s all because of my education, but I can’t help but think that it certainly hasn’t hurt.

So to summarize? I take joking and teasing as well as the next person, and sometimes maybe even a bit better. But when it comes to something I’ve spent a great deal of time and effort pursuing, and it’s currently influencing and shaping my career path? Yeah, it bugs me to have my efforts put down.

Just some venting that no one will read… you want me to update, yet when I do, you tell me you skim. ;)


I had a good, though slightly messed-up weekend this weekend. Friday night I went out to the Dirty Oak with a bunch of friends. I didn't get entirely hammered, but it was what I needed after two crazy weeks at work and the possibility that I was going to have to go in to work this weekend (which didn't happen, fortunately).

The cats were bugging me the next morning around 9, so I kicked them out of the bedroom. The next time they were bugging me, I kept rolling around and trying to get back to sleep and it wasn't happening, so I checked the clock -- it was noon. I futzed around for a bit before I got a phone call from R and N and went out to Mexi's for lunch. Then S and N joined up with us, we had Wendy's for dinner (and I've hereby exceeded my budget for spending money and then some, especially after last night's excursion to the drugstore for improved facial and hair products), and I ended up staying up with N until sometime after 2.

Saturday night didn't really get enough sleep, but I did make a pumpkin pie and did my dishes, then went out to my parents' place with the GLR for dinner. My sister and I didn't crank at one another as much as last time, and my mom's cousin was there, so it worked out. My dad's aunt passed away and yesterday was my aunt's birthday (and it was around this time of year five years ago that my grandmother died), so my aunt was somewhat affected by it all. Poor lady.

Hydro, bike insurance, apartment insurance, bike loan, Rogers, rent, telephone bill. Payday is on Wednesday. I should be okay to pay it all, but I won't have much spending money in between. No big deal -- once I get Gilmore Girls back from N and some good stuff scrolls back around on the Rogers on Demand (and provided they do take all the discounts off my account that they were supposed to), I'll be even better off. No more $400 bills to Rogers! :P (Note to self: give more thought to adding the $10 for 2500 text messages plan to your cell phone bill, 'cause at $0.15/message after the 125 you get, it can add up quickly).


Sign you might be a girl #236:

When you use not one, but two different hair care products in an attempt to ensure the death of a spider that you can no longer see, but that you've already trapped between an empty yoghurt container and a piece of paper and thrown in the garbage.

Shut up, it seemed to make sense at the time. Now I just have to remember now to throw any matches in the garbage...

Of course, classic me, I captured the spider against the wall with the yoghurt container, then didn't really think through the next step -- the "killing it and disposing of its putrid body" part. Venus came over to check out what I was doing, and I told her I didn't really think things through.

Who's surprised that I talk to my cats like they're rational and can understand me? No one.

Now, tomorrow I will remember to call my professor, mail in the BBM survey, and buy death-to-spider spray.

Maybe they sell something for neighbours, too... I just love that my neighbours hang out their window to smoke -- it makes my bedroom smell oh-so-wonderful.

Also, I don't hold no truck with drama. It's entertaining from a distance, but I'm glad I'm not really a part of it. Or am I? :P

Edited to add: also killed the teenage spider on the ceiling of the bathroom. Apparently he hadn't heard of my policy.

Why are all spiders male in my world? Does this represent deep-seated issues or what? Maybe I should just start naming them all after ex-boyfriends. Or at least one -- call 'em all UBFM and be done with it.


#5432 of the list of ways I didn't know my cats were insane:

GLR used the washroom before we left for dinner and left the toilet seat and lid up. Boys. I didn't bother to put it down because I have better things to obsessively fixate on (though I often do put it down after the culprit, regardless of who they are, leaves). I took it upon myself to slay two spiders a few minutes ago, and tossed their final resting place -- a kleenex -- into the toilet. Not only do I squash them, but I drown the little fuckers, too. I keep hoping one will witness this and warn the others, but alas.

Anyhow, I changed into pyjamas and went to use the washroom one final time before bed, and what do I see? The wet kleenex has been pulled out of the bowl and left as a soggy nose-thumbing on the floor for me.

Thank you cats, thank you very much.

You won't kill spiders for me, and Thena at least allows mice to dance and poop in front of her, but you'll rescue wet kleenex from a fate worse than flushing.

It's a damn good thing these hairballs are cute and purr, otherwise...


GLR and I were seated on my couch in the living room, me in my blue horizontal-striped shirt and nothing else (or so it seemed), and he barefoot, shirtless, and in jeans. In came two girls through my backdoor, who proceeded to speak to him and ignore me. They knew him, though still spoke to him in a derogatory manner, and when he called their attention to me and the fact that it was my apartment and so they should at the very least acknowledge me, they transferred their derogatory comments to me.

I stood, revealing that I was wearing underwear in addition to my t-shirt, and ignored the faces they made at the fact that my body was chunkier and softer than their underfed selves. I said something that indicated the fact that I was unimpressed with their treatment of GLR and myself, and that they were in my home and not especially welcome. I then headed towards my bedroom to find a pair of jeans to put on, as I felt that I'd have a better leg to stand on if I were dressed.

At some point in my walk to the bedroom, I woke up. I have strange dreams.
I am way too emotionally invested in the Gilmore Girls. I think I need help.

And shut up haters, it's a great show.


As part of my on-going learning, I'm going to be making tweaks to my site here and there, since it's something I've wanted to do for ages. See if you can spot them! See if you care! :)

Edited to add: ignore anything that's broken. I'm learning and don't have a development server on which to practice. :P


I had a dream last night that I was getting married. I had everything together - dress, flowers, rings, venue, etc., yet none of it was what I wanted. Everything had been chosen by someone else, and I didn't really feel good about any of it. I'm pretty sure I was content with the guy, but... can't recall.

I'm debating removing one of my piercings. It tends to interfere a little, and while I like the way it looks, it's not really serving its purpose. Ah well, no rush.

My various emotions and feelings are all over the place lately. I miss some people very strongly, and I'm jealous of a friend of mine who said s/he'd had a 6-hour fuck fest.

I've downloaded the Numa Numa song, and shut up, I love it. I knew I did before, but it's so happy and stupid, I enjoy it (there Jay, I've posted about my music interests).

I need to get more sleep so I stop crabbing at people. :)
It was a rough time to be a cat in this household this weekend. I pretty much sat on Venus at one point; she was in my black desk chair, I didn't turn on the lights, I have a big ass, she's a small cat... she was fortunately unharmed. Thena was occupying the chair at a time when I wanted it and she didn't want to let me have it, so I spent a good five to ten minutes tormenting her and making her grumpy. It's a fun game if you play it right.

I think Thena might've defended the household from a six year old girl. The house that used to house my crazy drunken hippy neighbours has sat seemingly empty for some time now. However, it may have been taken over by a large family and/or their extended family/friends. They were over all weekend doing something I couldn't quite determine, but it woke me up early Saturday (okay, 10:30ish, which was earlier than I wanted to be up), which made me crabby.

I put Thena out on her harness and leash, since it was gorgeous out and she loves to be outside and annoys the crap out of me if she isn't and wants to be. Some time passed, and I heard a young girl crying and being comforted by her mother (I presume).

Now, I have no way of knowing for sure, but, I like to theorize that little girl came on to my property (ever since they cut down the big tree, my 'backyard' is even more open) to pat the nice kitty. Nice kitty isn't so nice, however, and took a chomp out of little girl. Owner of said not-so-nice kitty would find this very funny, and an important life lesson to both little girls and parents: never pat an animal you don't know, always ask permission first (as did the little girl who saw not-so-nice-kitty in her very not-so-nice days at my former apartment), and parents -- keep an eye on your little boys and girls and teach them life lessons #1 and #2.

Okay, so I'm a horrible human being, but you'd better believe my kids are going to respect other peoples' property and pets.

I keep thinking that my nails are fake. They're fairly long (at least, for me), and I painted them out of boredom last week, so they really don't seem like mine. Not biting them and applying massive layers of chemicals has made them somewhat strong, too, and suddenly I keep thinking I have acrylics on again. They're starting to interfere a little with my typing, just like when they're fake. I'm so proud of myself.

GLR and I were in WalMart on Friday around 10. That's now my favourite time to be in a WalMart, because all of the mentally deficient people have gone home to be taken care of after someone ran them over in the store or parking lot. At least, I can only hope the idiots have been flattened at some point or another, 'cause I'm coming close to doing it myself (I was in WalMart again today -- can you tell?). Anyhow, I went through the electronics section and picked up Gilmore Girls season 6, and made a "glee!" noise when I saw volume 1 of Animaniacs on the shelf. So there goes the rest of my birthday money, but I don't regret it -- a huge bookshelf, three pairs of jeans, and two DVD on TV sets. I also picked up a DVD tower for cheap, and it rang up even cheaper than it was posted at, so I have to eventually unpack and set that up. It's like I'm getting organized or something!

I've composed much more interesting posts in my head several times this past week, and none of them have made it on to my site, as I'm sure you've noticed. It's been a very low-key week for me, and I've been glad for it. I'm going to be starting to do some web work at work, and I'm looking forward to that, in a "oh good god I'm a geek for enjoying this" sort of way. It helps that I absolutely adore the web mistress at work -- she's hilarious, and I actually leave her desk with a huge grin on my face. Friday I left work laughing, and Thursday I was there late, laughing with her, and didn't care. Now granted, the work would be a bit easier if our desks were closer together, but we'll see.

I had a good long conversation with Ben last week, too. Semi plans are underway to go visit him, and Markuk is talking about flying me out to visit him. Apparently it's my year for field trips! :)


I am fundamentally, without a doubt, a selfish and immature person.

Why do I suspect that several ex-boyfriends across the city just felt a sense of profound clarity and relief and aren’t entirely certain why?

No matter. I fight constantly to overcome my base instincts, which are to do what’s best for me or what I want, regardless of whether or not it’s actually best for someone else.

This can mean anything from not going to a movie or other event that a friend or boyfriend really wants to see, but I don’t – a la The Weather Man (I didn’t want to pay $10+ for a movie that was just going to depress the hell out of me) or The March of the Penguins (which I’d already seen and cried during, and didn’t want to watch and cry in front of the boyfriend, thereby giving him reason to mock me – ‘cause yes, pretty much every time someone sees me cry during an animal movie, I get made fun of for it – thank you complexes!) – or what-have-you.

This also manifests itself in how I interact with my friends. I have a few different circles of friends, and it’s common for those circles to socialize in big groups, or smaller, more intimate ones. Depending on my mood, I prefer one or the other method of socializing. Sometimes being in a big group stresses or taxes me, and I’ll isolate myself a bit. When the dynamics of the group change from what I’m used to, I’ll also tend to back off.

In one particular circle, it’s becoming more and more common for pockets of people to socialize. Sometimes it’s a single person being invited to hang out with a couple, sometimes it’s a double couple date, sometimes it’s half the group, whatever. But sometimes I feel left out when I hear stories of person X regularly socializing with couple Y, when I’ve almost never been invited to socialize with couple Y and would like to. Sometimes I feel left out that I’ve never really bonded strongly with one or two people in the group that aren’t already bonded to another. Then again, I haven’t been in the group as long, and the bonds I’ve made have changed through the time I’ve been with the group. And really, who cares if I don’t have one person all just for me? That’s a very elementary school mentality. Really, would I rather have one bestest-above-all friend, or a bunch of really awesome friends I can draw on at different times? I feel very fortunate to be in the latter category… just sometimes I get to feeling insecure, which I know comes as a real surprise to the rest of you.

And hey, at least I’m welcomed and my company is enjoyed as a general rule. Maybe if I hurried up and finished those presents I’ve been working on or sitting on forever, people would like me more. ;)

There are situations in which I’m used to a certain set group of people, and I look forward to that group socializing, and I’m comfortable with those people, because I know how they will act or interact. When that dynamic changes, it takes some getting used to for me, and sometimes I don’t enjoy myself nearly as much. There is precedent for some of this – a person visiting from out of town took it upon himself to start implying that I was trampy or promiscuous, which is a hot button to begin with, and really put me in a cranky mood for a good chunk of the rest of the evening (which I’m sure went over so well with the GLR’s friends that I was meeting for the first time that night).

But how do you politely ask someone who is relatively new to a particular social engagement to not ask others to join? I don’t have the right – this person is the SO of one of the main regulars, and she has as much right to expand the crowd as I do. And no, I don’t ultimately have a problem with the people she invites, and it’s not as though we retire to my place to socialize afterwards, so again, no leg on which to stand. But really, I look forward to my small group of hanging outs, I like being able to actually have a conversation with a small crowd, and not have to yell to be heard or whatever.

And then there are the people who get upset because they don’t receive a gilded invitation to these hang outs. Well, I’ve invited people in the past who didn’t come for whatever reasons, but it’s not as though these evenings are secret or invite-only… so suddenly I’m right back where I started, and not making much sense.

Then it all goes to shit when Ben is back in town, and what I’d love is to spend some time with him, one-on-one, and I’m led to believe that that might be what’s happening, or it’s a small group hangout, and then it turns out to be 20+ people and I get to say hi and that’s about it. Of course, that was partly my fault for getting drunk, but it’s not as though I’d have had much chance to talk to him a great deal anyways.

*sigh* I’m just full of complaining. I’m not great with change, I’m not usually great with large crowds, and I get thrown when that to which I’m accustomed changes, or people are brought in that I don’t know very well or maybe don’t like. Maybe I just miss the days when it was 4-8 of us who would get together for a dinner, have some ridiculous conversation, and actually get to talk and hear one another… instead of these hangouts where there are huge numbers of people, and no one can hear anyone else, and it’s not my crowd anymore.

Maybe I just need sleep.


So, time for life updates. I got through my readings the other night and presented them in class yesterday morning. Because I’m a flaming tool, I was up until 2 a.m. writing a very crappy analysis of the readings, and then I had to get up bright and early the next morning to run down to the Grand and Toy to pick up ink for my printer. I splurged and bought replacements for the colour cartridges as well, and I’m lucky I did – I’m not sure if my printer would have actually printed were those not replaced. My printer is a cranky bitch, but I love it because it’s so pretty and nice. Kinda like my cats.

The last few days I’ve been running on nothing but caffeine, and contrary to my usual pattern, where I’m crashing at the end of the day, I’ve been super-wired by the time I leave for home. I laid down last night to try to take a nap, and I think I might’ve, but I couldn’t tell, which was very weird. Everything was simply spinning, and nothing would shut down. So I got up, grabbed some dinner, then headed over to the Newf’s place for our planned talk.

Some of you may know this, because I’ve been talking about it for a bit, but the Newf and I were heading for a parting of ways, and it was formalized last night. Apparently he’d thought of doing it on Saturday, I know I’ve been thinking about it or trying to do it for a little while now, and so it finally happened. The conversation went fairly smoothly, and it marks the second mutual breakup I’ve had (the last being the runner), and we both said we really enjoy hanging out with one another and will continue to do so. Then we both said that we’ve said that in the past and not meant it, but this time we actually did. :)

The runner had called me when I was in Indiana, and then again earlier this week. I finally got around to calling him last night, and we both did a quick life update. When we’d broken up, we both said we’d met other people. He asked me last night what I’d been doing, so I said that I’d just broken up with the boy. He said he wasn’t going to ask what the story was – I didn’t know if it was a politeness thing, or didn’t want to seem like he was fishing, or what... though with the way the rest of the conversation went, I think I know why. He didn’t mention anything about his girl situation, so I can only assume it didn’t pan out.

He asked what my plans were for the rest of the evening, and I said that a friend was coming over to watch CSI (which was true). He then said he didn’t want to screw up any potential date thing (or something to that effect), but that if I hadn’t been entertaining, he’d have suggested he could come over and watch the show with me… but didn’t want to screw up any cuddling that might go on. I joked that it’d be nice to get cuddled from both sides, but he didn’t go for that.

So I’m thinking that I missed out on or passed up on a booty call opportunity, which is both amusing and, well, amusing, really. Maybe now’s the time for me to go making booty calls to all of my exes, and really live life up, naught-style!

Markuk and I are in discussions for me to travel out to Vancouver and visit him across a weekend; before the Newf and I broke up, GLR suggested I could sleep with him. I said I hadn’t, and no offence, Markuk, but wasn’t too interested in doing so, and then told him that contrary to his belief, I don’t spend all of my time flat on my back with my legs wide open, hollering, “Come and get it!” to every guy who passes through my life. I also reminded him that he gets (and apparently turns down) many more offers for sex than I do in a given day, week or even month, and he repeated his shock at this equation.

I like the boy, I do, but sometimes… sometimes I’m not sure he realizes just how his comments make me feel. There’s often an element of truth in humour (although I do try to keep my harassing to subjects that someone should know are patently untrue), and his jokes or suspicions that I should or have slept with this person or that one bother me, which I’ve told him before. I’m wondering if maybe I should provide him with a list of my past partners, just to hopefully end this for good.

I also learned that his coworkers thought my ‘friend’ (actually my sister) was cute and that he should date her. Then when they found out she was my sister, they said he should date her anyways; I fear the reasons why.

I had a brief chat last night with Ben. Last weekend I was hanging around the house thinking that I miss him, and that it would’ve been a perfect day to hang out with him, and it seems he’s missing folks out this way, too. I know he’s not that far away, and that friendships have survived worse, and that he and I have gone through stretches without talking and then stretches with lots of talking, but… I don’t know. People move away, they form new lives – as to be expected – and then sometimes you grow apart and any conversations you have are in passing, and brief, and of the “so, fill me in on the last six years of your life!” kind, which I absolutely hate. It’s like running into people from high school – “so, what are you doing with yourself now?” Urgh. It’s much nicer when you chat regularly and can do updates that way.

Sorry, feeling pessimistic and nonsensical right now. I blame the exhaustion. I do have a piece I was working on about friendship that I want to finish and post soon, and I will, I promise. Maybe I’ll do some more writing tomorrow.

I’ve also started up the story I was writing a few years ago and I’m going to try to make another go of it. It’ll incorporate elements of what was previously written, and I have some ideas for where to take it. According to GLR, when I finish it, we’ll be married and he’ll already be a famous author and can use his connections to help get my novel looked at. I kept telling him I wouldn’t be going through the same publishing house as him, and I probably wouldn’t be taking on anyone’s last name when I get married. I’m not 100% on that, but I like my last name, and the longer I have it, the more meaning it has for me. My sister and I are the last bearers of this last name, and it’s depressing to think of it disappearing, not to mention that unlike many, it won’t work as a middle or first name for some kid, assuming I have any.

Of my girlfriends who’ve married, only one has kept her last name. I have no problem with women changing their last names, and I can see arguments in favour of it. But for me at least, especially as I continue in a career, my surname is a part of that (which is an argument I’ve heard my boss use). I don’t know, maybe if I get married my opinions will change, but I’ll deal with that when and if it ever happens.
It's often the title that provides the best punchline with Overheard in New York and Overheard in the Office (I got really excited the few times I've seen quotes from my city):

During an Office Fire, Some Employees Will Run Directly into the Flames


Coworker #1: Where are we supposed to meet for the tornado drill?
Coworker #2: Beth* said that we can just stay at our desks because we're already in the basement. She'll come around and do a head count.
Coworker #1: So we don't have to go outside, then?
Coworker #2: Um... no.

7000 Portage Road
Kalamazoo, Michigan

Overheard by: Snark Monster


Huh. (Actual post later).

What Is Your Role In A Relationship? (Male and Female, detailed results with Anime Pics!)

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You are Insecure

You often find it hard to believe you are worthy of the love and attention given to you by your partner, and always worry he/she could do much better than you.

Your insecurity sometimes leads you to pushing people away, or holding on too tightly. Either way, your relationships often end in tears.

Maybe you had your heart broken in the past, or have a low self-esteem - whatever the reasons are, you struggle to see what other people see in you. Some people will find this frustrating, but there will be someone out there who will delight in telling you just how fab you really are until you start to believe it yourself.

Most compatible with: The Hopeless Romantic

The Romantic will never tire of telling you how much they love you, and you will never tire of hearing it! You need someone who will give you constant reassurance, who will be prepared to make grand romantic gestures whenever you are feeling particularly insecure and will stand by you if you push or pull on them. The Romantic will do all these things and some, always making sure you know that you are the only one they could ever want.

Least compatible with: The Free Spirit

The Free Spirit won't ever show you their affection in ways obvious enough for you. You would feel constantly on edge as they flitted from one place to the next, not really caring if you followed or not. They would give you enough of a taste to tempt you, but none of the follow through and security you desire.

Your song is: Let That Be Enough, Switchfoot

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It's hard to have a conversation with someone when you can't seem to get face-to-face time with them.

I've been starving these last two days, despite eating a fairly copious amount of food each day. I've also been fairly jittery, but at least today I can blame that on a decent intake of caffeine.

I just want to get everything resolved.


Apparently my hormones are messing with my head. I just had a brief flash of, "wow, I'd like to have a baby." Frightening.

Consideration is being given to moving into an estate home in one of the monied parts of town with a number of other people. There's a chance I'd have to play bitchy mom, keeping people in line about rent and other bills, but not necessarily. Stefan has a great deal of it planned out, including regular communication/house meetings that keep everyone talking, and things written on paper that will help keep us all agreed to certain terms and conditions. The fact that there's also 3 kitchens and 3 full bathrooms is very encouraging, too. I'm going to be looking at the place tomorrow. The rent isn't going to be a huge savings from what I'm paying now, but the drop in some of the bills will be handy.

I saw Red Eye and Hookwinked on Saturday with M and N. Hoodwinked was okay, and all of the voices that I pegged I was right on -- what a useless skill. Red Eye was pretty good, though we did make fun of it a fair bit, planning what we'd wear for our next flights that would help us in the event of a homicidal maniac trying to attack us. Got a bit more cross stitching done in the afternoon, and spent a bunch of time during the movies and then again on Sunday knitting.

I'm feeling very jittery right now for some reason. Apparently my morning diet Pepsi has hit me harder than usual, which is weird. :P

My sister and I picked up paint supplies at GLR's workplace on Sunday. He was getting (fake?) frustrated with my inability to decide on a colour, but I take no blame for that; it's my mom's dresser, and her guidance on colour was simply "light to medium." So we ended up settling on a light blue colour that I think will look nice. Part of the problem I'm having is trying to envision the poor thing in any other colour than its current yellowy-beige ugliness; my brain is picky about when it's creative.

Friday night I ran around and did some errands with GLR. I finally got new jeans, including two pairs of ultra-low rise jeans that are more flattering than I expected them to be. I also managed to trade in some video games I'll never play, find out I couldn't trade in my bag of books just yet, and find nothing that really struck my fancy in Le Chateau (I have a store credit I want to use sometime this lifetime).

I'm also working on improving my financial situations where possible. Rogers has helped me out a little, my gym is trying to help me out (I hope), and I'm a bit better off (I think) than I thought I was. Still fairly tight, but I'm doing what I can. Cutting back on buying food out of laziness or because of being pressed for time is helping a bit.

I had my first class last week, and it's going to be challenging, but I think good. The prof seems good, and there are only six people in the course, including a girl with whom I had some classes in my undergrad. I have to present our readings next week, partly because I wasn't there to sign up for readings the week before; I really don't mind that it's that early, because then I get it out of the way. This means I actually have to do them and soon, though; I slacked this weekend and I still have to get through a few of the ones from last week, so that's part of today's plan. Apparently reading trashy romance novels (i.e., 'How I Spent My Saturday Afternoon') isn't quite the same. :)