I spent yesterday doing French training; 'twas a refresher course on grammar and such. Of course, it dealt mainly with the things I covered in my final year of high school, as well as various other things that someone who has to write in French would want to know. Needless to say, at times I was a little bored/lost, but for the most part it wasn't too bad. It had the lingering effect of making me think in French for the rest of the day, though; I'd start formulating sentences or thoughts in my head, but I'd be composing them in French. Kinda funny. :)

I also had my second belly-dance class last night, and I realized that I'm really not very good at it. Shawn has told me I should therefore quit, so so long, belly-dance! ;)

After class I hung out with a few friends and we played chapters 1 and 2 of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer game, and I was Xander both times. The first time, I wasn't of much use; the second time, I did some damage and death-dealing to a couple of vamps, then got roundly smushed by I think the Judge. It might've been Drusilla, although I think I killed her. Needless to say, sound effects were made by yours truly every time a vampire died. I also mourned the death of Spike. Even though in this game he was evil. And against us.

I also chatted books for awhile with N, and she's offered to lend me a few new titles to try out. Most of the books we discussed were vampire-based, of all things; I think we were both in a particular mindset. :)

I could write about relationship-stuff here, but I wouldn't know what to write or where to begin. Poor Shawn's been my dumping ground for all of this stuff, but he and I are mainly in agreement on things. Sometimes he comes up with ways of looking at things that I hadn't seen, or we just simply hash out a concept and then I'm happy.

I watched a couple of episodes of Sex and the City last night, and there's one in particular from season 6, "The Post-It Always Sticks Twice" that had some messages in it that I was fully in agreement with. Things to do with guys being able to have a relationship end without even a real goodbye, but women always having to learn something in order to feel that they can move on. It was kinda grumbling at the concept, but that and a few other lines had me nodding my head in agreement.

Isn't it nice when I vaguely allude to things and then not explain them properly? *sigh* Sorry, just don't have the time to look it up and explain it more fully.

I'm doing my best to bite my tongue on a lot of issues lately, at least publicly. As much as I may have some bitter or frustration or hurt in relation to a number of circumstances, I'm doing my best to either keep it to myself or suppress it entirely. Or dump it on Shawn. :) As much as it might feel good to blow up at a few people, that's the short-term; in the long-term, I know it wouldn't help me. Or at least my relationship with them.

But sometimes I just want to whine, lemme tell you. *sigh* That and sleep. :P


And now Whore's Boudoir has another set of sponsors. Weird to think that I can actually make money doing this stuff.

Anyhow, again, it's not based on click-through ads, there are no pop-ups, I don't endorse 'em, they're not even necessarily tied into the content... they're just there. I dare you to find 'em, if you can. :)

For now, I'm off for my nap. I love how exciting my life has gotten since I've become a grown-up.
New Porn by a Chick. This one has adult content, reader beware.

Off to bed for I. I think I'm finally calming down a little bit, although I do still feel somewhat keyed up. I know what'll fix that! Warm milk.

The goal for the week has been set and is progressing. We shall see if it actually comes to fruition, but it may require a slightly more active role on my part. Being a non-initiator tends to suck at times. :P


I spent today indulging in some retail therapy with my mom and my aunt. Fun times; I got some new pants, a seriously funky new shirt that I paid way too much money for but love, a new skirt (that my mom apparently bought the exact same of), some games (including Twister, take that Ben!), a bracelet, some popcorn (time to feed my crack habit), a bunch of new bras, a fake dresser for my closet, a grocery cart, a hot/cold pad, and a few other things that I likely can't remember. :)

Expect more pictures to appear on here, but I won't guarantee that they'll be of any quality whatsoever; since my original use of the webcam is kinda kaput, I'll be using it to take pics of shit and post them. I also intend to integrate more pictures with Whore's Boudoir, and I figure that I have an idea or two for a column poking around in my head. I was kinda composing one on my way to meet Mom and Dorothy today. As always, with everything that I think but don't immediately write down, I've likely lost much of it.

*sigh* Went to WalMart with the intention of finally buying Buffy season 2, they're sold out. Figures that's how my luck'll run today.

Meh. My appetite's been so stupid lately. I'll feel hungry, start eating something, then halfway through it (if I'm lucky), my appetite disappears entirely. I've had a glass of chocolate milk, half a chicken caesar salad, half a garlic wedge and about half a small Coke today. I'm hungry now, but I don't know how much of my dinner I'll eat. Maybe I'll finally lose some weight. :P Yay, anorexia for fun and profit!

It's been good seeing my aunt again. She's one of my favourite relatives, and she treats me like an equal. I seem to take after her in a lot of ways, and it's probably because I have my dad's sense of humour, which she shares.

On the bus to the mall, there was a crazy guy sitting above me and he kept laughing and muttering various things to himself. I forget what the particulars were, but part of me just wanted to turn to him and ask him if he realized he was crazy.

Oops, supper time. I'm off. It's nice seeing my cats again. :)
I had a weird dream before I woke up this morning (yes, as opposed to just after I woke up). I dreamt that some friends of mine from I don't know where had bought a huge house together, and it was haunted. In my dream, I still had my own place, but I'd moved some stuff in with them in order to hang out for a bit.

I'd hooked back up with the pizza guy, and there was some kind of turf war going on. My sister and this senior from the bookstore and the pizza guy and myself and a few other people were on the run from some other people with mechs, and we managed to defeat them, and then there was this moving into the house thing. And the pizza guy and I disappeared somewhere to have sex, I think. And I told him I loved him, and he told me he loved me.

Once the haunting got bad -- knocking on the walls, things moving around and/or disappearing, an ex-tenant suing one of the girls living there for his underwear having disappeared while he was there -- I got scared and kept insisting we leave, that I wanted to leave. My friend S was there, and was showing off her collection of funky home-made clothes to the pizza guy, who saw them after he'd helped her install something in her closet.

Then, when I finally decided to wake up, my first thoughts were, "Would D have told me that he'd slept with someone else? I was right when I said that by Thanksgiving, he'd have hooked up with someone else. Would we have just hung out and fooled around at Thanksgiving, and I'd have never known?" There was an email waiting for me when I got up, so I asked him directly.

I hung out at the station last night and chatted with a couple of the security guards. We talked about sex a lot, and then more sex. I went home thinking that it was past time that I got laid. As K said, sometimes it's not about emotions ("it's not serious") and it's just about getting the animal fucking out.

*sigh* Ah well. Letting go of some of the stress and tension I felt when I woke up. I'm going to spend the day with my mom, aunt and later dad, and I think my aunt is awesome, so I'm sure today will be great. I'm also feeling kinda horny, so that's going to be fun to deal with all day. :P I just hope there's something going on tonight. I'm up for cool plans and whatnot, so perhaps some drinking or some such can be on the cards.


I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of being back in this place, feeling these same feelings, experiencing the same upset.

I want to know what it is about me that keeps this happening. It's different every time; it's not as if every guy leaves with the same statement. It's always something different, but it keeps happening. So, what the fuck?

I can imagine the kind of comment he's going to leave, and ... yeah. Fine, whatever, it's not me. Except that it is, 'cause this or that isn't enough. How one feels obviously isn't enough, otherwise it could work. Either that, or what I feel is not what he feels, and that's a place I've been before, too.

It's times like these that I hate and love having my own place. I like it because it allows me the privacy to do my sad, and I hate it because there's no one around to hold me and comfort me.

I've gotten some sympathy from a girlfriend, who says she doesn't understand the situation either -- she understands me and where I am on it, just not him.

Part of me wants to just go and fuck someone and get it over with, since he already has, so why wait?

In other worlds, I've managed to fuck things up somewhat between Shawn and I. I know I need to talk to him, but I'm not sure if I can talk to anyone right now without starting to cry again. I know I should eat something, but I just can't bring myself to make food or eat food or do anything aside from sit here.

I was going to write shortly after I found out -- after I figured he'd have logged -- but I think I dozed off on the couch. I'm not sure. I know there was crying.

Yeah, I'm sorry if it makes you feel bad, but I sobbed, 'cause I was hurt. Why was I hurt? 'Cause I let myself feel, and that's always the first place that I make mistakes. I let my guards down, and I let myself feel and I get hurt and I cry. Apparently this is a cycle that's going to run every 6 - 12 months, and I have to say, I'm not impressed. I don't like this trend, and I think maybe repressing everything and being materialistic and shallow isn't all that bad right now.

After all, I had Chloe, and then she was gone, and I sobbed. Hell, I can still cry about it now. Then there was J, and that ended, and I cried. When Mark and I ended, I cried. Now there's this, and I just don't know what to think or feel or do or be or anything.

And he has the total advantage here, because he can read all of this and he can know how I'm feeling and I haven't a fucking clue what's going on in his head or his heart. "I love you/care for you, but..." seems to be the rule when it comes to having someone tell me they care for me.

How can you tell someone you love them and miss them and want to hold them and see them and make love to them when you're doing all of that with someone else? Or some of that with someone else? How can you say that and really actually mean it?

"It's not serious." Great, that makes me feel a whole lot better. Yay, you can go and fuck other people and still care for me! Hooray!

Why did I think that the way I felt might change things? Why did I think that I could change things?

I need to learn, life is inevitable. It's inevitable that I will keep dating either assholes or nice guys who break my heart, and that is how it's going to go.

Fuck, I hate feeling.

Doesn't all of this sound so fucking familiar to those of you who've been here since the start? This is the same shit that I went through with the ex-, some of the same shit that I went through with J, and now here I am, back at the fucking square one. How old do I have to get before I stop fucking up like this? Before I learn to stop feeling and stop getting hurt?

Christ, E had the right idea. No feelings, just friends and fucking, and life's okay.
This is actually kinda funny.

"We're gonna sue the guys who made the movie and ripped off our idea, but not sue the comic artists and authors who wrote the comic upon which the movie that supposedly ripped off our idea was based."

Some people. :P

Yes, I know, I haven't updated in awhile. Got some stuff going on and I don't really like updating from the new job; I just wanted to get this posted before anyone else on my 'roll did. I rool!


This is a beat of a neat turnaround: Kazaa files lawsuit against music, movie companies. Nice to see 'em fighting back. :)

In other Jen news, The Litterbox has sponsors. Check 'em out, and note that I don't endorse the products one way or another, I just sponsor them. 'Cause I'm a money-grubbing little whore.

Now, if anyone wants to sponsor Whore's Boudoir (which is currently affiliated with > ErosBoutique, speak up. I promise, I'll write again. ;)

Aside from that, life is much the same. Shawn tore my jeans last night, in his Hulk-like effort to toss me around. Made me sad, so I cried. I had a good time at dinner with Glorg, Jacob and Shawn; I don't know what was in the hot chocolate they served me, but I was practically in hysterics at a few things.

Of course, that could've been a symptom of exhaustion and mania, too. As always, I was up too late last night and didn't get enough sleep today, but I think I'm doing okay. I had a coffee-thing today (French Vanilla), and while I won't go around lauding the flavour, it wasn't awful, either.

What else? Being held is nice. Thanks.


And because Prospero was nice enough to send it to me (and it's even more fucking weird at 5:30 in the morning), and because I posted it on Shawn's site ('cause he never fucking updates!), I bring you for your viewing pleasure: "I'm a cow". Enjoy. And don't say I didn't warn you -- the tune is addictive. It'll get into your soul and shake your bones. Or something.

Shawn's a lactophiliac, if anyone wanted to know. He just told me so.
And now, to make my life complete, I have a UTI. How the fuck did I get a UTI? Did I have sex recently when I wasn't paying attention?

Sorry about the comments I left -- they were meant to be funny, but obviously funny is falling so flat I can't even bear to witness it right now.

I'm confused about one of Shawn's comments, but since I'll be seeing him soonish for some ol' fashioned buggering and cheering up (not necessarily in that order), I'll ask him about them then.

This turn of events also leaves me with an abundance of toys that won't be seeing much use in the next little while. Bit of a pity, that is.

One of the nice things about friends is that in one minute, they can bring you to tears with their sympathy and understanding, then in the next make you laugh. You might not let go of the tears completely, but at least you get the laugh, and that's pretty awesome (i.e., Shawn, as well as Prospero).

From there... going to be attending a bunch of workshops through WritersFest; if anyone's all up ons with that, lemme know. Secondly, going to see Thirteen tomorrow night at 7 and then Underworld next Wednesday at an undetermined time and location. You know who to contact for information.

I had my belly dance class last night. I felt like a bit of a nard, showing up in jeans and having missed my class last week. I also felt kinda stiff and awkward through some of the moves, but I think I loosened up as the night went on. Combine that with the regular gym thing that I plan to start, and I'll be fucking hot and buff before anyone knows it. *flex* *shimmy* *flex* *hip slide*

Lookit me go.
I've been told that I suppress my feelings and such. Last night, Prospero told me I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think I'm more towards his end of things, but some friends disagree. Fair enough.

My question is, what am I supposed to do in order to move on? I mean, some people expected me to be sleeping with someone new within a week of D's departure. Kinda impressive, that. Is that how I'm supposed to do it? Just hook up with someone and drown my sorrows in sensation? By Thanksgiving, should I have found someone new?

Things ended ended last night. Sure, they ended when he left, but they didn't. Or at least, I felt there were still hanging around, so I let myself stay attached. After our conversation the night before though, I spent much of today just feeling like ass, basically, and then last night kinda unloaded it, I guess.

I compared us to the situation I was in with my ex-, where I was being used for sex (or he was trying to do as much), and asked how it was different from this situation.

"The joke around here, for all the couples who've stayed together? Yeah, it's over by Thanksgiving." Doesn't strike me as the funniest joke, really.

I seem to have stalled here. I think I really just need to pay more attention when someone says, "It's over." I need to lose that hope that things might change. That hope is just killer.

I've been told that I suppress my feelings and such. Last night, Prospero told me I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think I'm more towards his end of things, but some friends disagree. Fair enough.

My question is, what am I supposed to do in order to move on? I mean, some people expected me to be sleeping with someone new within a week of D's departure. Kinda impressive, that.

Things ended ended last night. Sure, they ended when he left, but they didn't. Or at least, I felt there were still hanging around, so I let myself stay attached. After our conversation the night before though, I spent much of today just feeling like ass, basically, and then last night kinda unloaded it, I guess.

I compared us to the situation I was in with my ex-, where I was being used for sex (or he was trying to do as much), and asked how it was different from this situation.

I seem to have stalled here. I think I really just need to pay more attention when someone says, "It's over." I need to lose that hope that things might change. That hope is just killer.
I hate crying.

I really need to be held.
New Porn by a Chick. It kinda sucks.

I'm so tired of being used.


Well, I've come to the conclusion that I no longer desire sex. I'm done at the ripe ol' age of 23.

"The confidence bank called, you forgot to make your monthly withdrawal!" (For once, that was me saying a funny)
Heh, neat. Don't know who submitted the link, but what the hell? Also got a link for Whore's Boudoir for a chick who liked my article about break-ups.

Went out after work last night with G, the guy from work, again for a quick drink and snack. Chatted with D afterwards and the conversation got around somehow to me waiting until he slept with someone else before I did. I learned that he'd made out with a couple of girls at his school. I'm not pure; I've kissed someone a few times, too.

It's a familiar heat and pain to learn about things like that. It definitely changes things in my head, and lessens any hope I might've had. I've had a fair number of conversations with one of my hosts about the relationship, but they're often hurried and with him sort've saying things that I maybe kinda agree with and not being able to respond or refute/discuss them as thoroughly as I might like.

I know I can't be really upset about this. After all, it was said we weren't going to stay together, and so neither of us has done anything wrong. That definitely doesn't make this any easier, though. And it's so like when the ex- was away at school/when we went on breaks... having to ask the questions to find things out, then getting to feel that cold heat in my chest and stomach when I learn the answers. Ironic that the two guys I actually said the words to are the ones that I got to watch pack and leave. Mind, the ex- and I did the long-distance thing.

It's so weird and sorta messed up in this situation, too. How am I supposed to feel when someone says "I love you and I miss you and I think about you all the time and I want to be there with you now" and variations on that theme... and then I learn that they've made out with a couple of people?

And no, I'm not writing this to try to make D feel bad. He said he felt bad that I felt bad... well, that seems kinda unfair to me. Don't feel bad 'cause I feel bad. I feel bad for plenty of reasons, and they shouldn't all affect you. If you want to feel bad on your own, that's different. But don't worry about me. As I say all the time, I'll be fine. I always am. Have to be.

I just... I hate that I have to be in this place. I hate that I have to feel for someone I can't be with. I hate that the person I'm with isn't here. I hate that in some ways, we want to be together, and aren't. I hate that a part of me is waiting to move on to see where things might happen to go. I hate that I feel as if I sleep with someone first, that ends things completely, so I'm waiting for him to sleep with someone first so I can feel my spirit get crushed and go through all of that again. I hate that part of me is holding back on my emotions and the other part of me isn't bothering to.

With the ex-, I was being strung along until he found someone better. And even when he found someone else, he was still trying to have sex with me and phone sex with me. I don't want to be in that place again. I don't sense that that's what D's doing, but the ex- didn't set out to do that, either. He admitted that he was starting to think of me as a sex toy, and that wasn't what he wanted. But he did still try to cyber sex me after the last time we got together, because his gf wouldn't say/do things that I would say/do. I don't want that to happen with D.

Yes, D's the most sexually compatible person I've ever been with. That part of our relationship was fun, and sure, I miss it. But there's a lot more that I miss as well, and that's a big part of what's kept me from going out to look for someone else right away. Besides, why is it that everyone seems to think I need to be in another relationship right away? Why can't I have some me time? Besides the point.

I don't want to become the girl that D keeps in touch with because we have great sex together. Part of me doesn't want to hear the "I love yous" while he's off pursuing other girls. But part of me does want to hear them, because as much as I do my best to hide it and every other emotion I have, I desperately want to be loved and held and kept and supported by someone who I love and hold and keep and support. I just also want to be with that person at the same time. It's the same as when we were dating; I love and hate to hear it. It makes me happy and it makes me sad.

There are a lot of things I hate right now, and they make me sad. It's a tough place to be, and I've been here before, too many times.

Anyway, to all the people who didn't want to read this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you feel hurt by what I said, or if it makes you feel bad. That's not my intention, and a big part of me thought about tucking this away in a private journal, only to be read by a select few, like some of my friends do. I thought about writing this in my book, so that no one would ever read it, and to be honest, I've still censored myself somewhat. There are still things here that no one will be reading. They exist at this moment only in my head, and I'm not even entirely sure what they are myself. Feelings, heat, uncertainty, weirdness in my stomach... all of the above.

For now, I'm off to my job. I have some caffeine-laden tea and some chocolate mint tea, neither of which taste like tea and that I'm looking forward to trying out today. I had a dream about my new job last night and two nights ago I had a dirty dream that I don't really remember. Sometimes I try to think about having prophetic dreams, but it never happens. Or at least, the events about which I dream haven't happened yet, and most of them I assume won't.

But whatever, I need to shower, get dressed and have breakfast. If what I've said has upset or hurt someone, I apologize, and I mean it. It's not my intention to hurt anyone here; I just need to write to get things off my chest and help settle my mind, and maybe even explain it to a few people, if I can. And hey; my life ain't all sex and lollipops. I just have to remember that sometimes, I guess.


Now, having woken up at 1:30 p.m., it's time to pick and choose which things are necessary to do today, and which can wait.

There are a few items that I could pick up at the mall nearby and wait on the grocery shopping one more day or so; I'm certainly not in a desperate place for groceries.

Laundry is important, I should get a replacement battery for the watch, grocery cart ... make my bed... hrm. I think mall and hardware store first, then back to do laundry and such. But I'll be at the mall for my appointment... oh, this is so confusing. Who's happy they're reading my confusion? :)

*mutter* I need to clean up this pigsty, too. *sigh* I think I'll hire Shawn to clean my place for a day. ;)
Your soul is worth £17,849. For your peace of mind, 53% of people have a purer soul than you.

Stolen from Lucas, it's at We Want Your Soul.

I'm really unpure, it seems.

I'd write about tonight's activities, but I'm just wiped. Instead, have some notes:

* Demonic acidic jizz
* "Thank you, Demon Jizzmaster."
* "Your parents gave you the middle name Eiram?!"
* The pronounciation of "Jason"
* The pronounciation of *.wav and *.gif
* Schlong and schlonger (note to self, remember that for a future Whore's Boudoir article

I went to check my watch at one point today and noticed that it had stopped at 9:40 -- so I kept making jokes about how "This is the kind of conversation you get out of me at 20 to 10 at night." Rather, we left sometime around 20 to 3 in the morning. I'm tired, and although I slept decently last night, waking up with charley horses is total ass.

I always find that I wake up with the urge to stretch my legs, and the minute I do, the charley horse is just there waiting to go, "Haha, fuck you!" The second time that it happened, I was kinda apathetic to the pain -- it still hurt, but I just didn't seem to care the same way.

Oh yes, and remember to tell D about French D and N's comments (from the bookstore), as well as explain the, "That's not what Thanksgiving is about!" comment, again made by N. He's such a cutie. :)

For now, however, I'm off to bed. Thanks to Matt for the comments he made to me through ICQ. What can I say? Sometimes I just get the urge to write or the need to get something off my chest, and I just do my best to get it all out. Some rants write themselves. :)

Tomorrow's list, if possible:
* Get to the hardware store (remember why later... oh yeah, grocery cart)
* Groceries
* Appointment at 3:30
* Work after that (like I'd forget :P)
* Clean up apartment if possible
* Try to nap, if possible
* Laundry, if around long enough
* Put away clothes?
* Make bed

I'm sure I won't be sleeping in as late as I'd like. :P The advantage to having the laundry as part of my building (and locked up) is that I don't feel bad about leaving it for a few or more hours if necessary.

Anyhow, sleep. This is boring posting. :)


*sigh* My life.

I feel kinda bad for being snappy at people, or being short with them. Like, my mom has no idea that I'd be trying to nap in between work shifts, so I can't really be mad at her for calling me and waking me up -- just as I was starting to drift off. But, I still feel cheated out of my rest and kinda grouchy.

I've told D that he can't call me in the evenings, or he has to call earlier, and admittedly, he did do that. I know, I really ought to start turning off my cell (since he doesn't call my house anyhow ;)), or turning off both phones and just not answering... but I do want to talk to him, and I don't like ignoring phone calls. I so rarely get them, so it's nice to be able to chat with people.

I know that when I get my schedule finally normalized -- i.e., after tomorrow -- things'll be better. I'll go to work, come home and nap, go to the gym and eat dinner and hang out with people. I'll be able to go to bed at a semi-normal hour -- not 10:30 p.m., not 1:00 a.m. -- and I won't be so drained and narcoleptic and grumpy. But in the meantime, this just fucking sucks.



Okay, I'm done. Of course, my limited amounts of sleep have given me much lower tolerance for people I don't know, or don't know well. I've also taken to grumping somewhat at friends -- last night it felt to me like I was getting interrupted constantly, so I made a slightly churlish comment to D. I still felt a little grouchy, but I let go of that grouchy, and grabbed on to another kind. I'm a world of grouchy.

I had a really nice conversation with Shawn the other day about relationships and the state of me and mine; not that it's entirely clear and I wouldn't even know where to begin detailing it here, but despite it not necessarily being the most 'positive' in tone of conversations, it still felt nice to have.

Anyhow, what else? Had a bit of a frustrating conversation with one of the new chicks at the bookstore yesterday. Despite her being physically my age, at times during the conversation (how many times can I use that word in this post?) I felt like I was so many years her senior. Her attitude towards men and relationships was frustrating to say the least.

I don't know, I've had a fair number of relationships, particularly in the last couple of years, and I feel like I've gained a lot of life and personal experience from them. I'm stupidly open-minded about people and relationships, and I'm willing to accept nearly any kind of dynamic so long as it's satisfying to the people involved. I also have a fairly decent understanding of human dynamics, group dynamics and interpersonal relationships -- thank you, communications degree and personal interest/geekiness -- and I like to observe people, learn, and retain what I've learned.

This means that when it comes to relationship conversations, I have a decent amount of personal experience and learned knowledge upon which to draw. I'm hardly qualifying myself as an expert -- I frequently tell people that with my world of failed relationships, I'm the last one to come to for advice (but privately I like when people do) -- but I like to think that I'm a good listener and maybe just a touch helpful to people who want to listen or are open to advice.

That all said and done, this chick was driving me nuts with her beliefs that all guys are the same, particularly when it comes to sex, and that various things with her current (sorta) relationship could all be explained by the fact that her boyfriend was new to relationships. She did all the sacrificing and he didn't do any, and she just felt that things would work out if, if, if...

*sigh* It was her prescriptive attitude about guys that was driving me nuts, and the mags kid that was working (he's 20, but he's a kid) wasn't helping, with his comments about how chicks don't have to be any good, and blah blah blah. Actually, I think what he said was that chicks didn't have to do anything to be good, or something to that effect. Whatever the particulars were, they had be somewhat cheesed, to say the least.

Every person is different. That's the mantra on the list to which I subscribe, and it's also my personal mantra. Yes, for guys if you touch the peenie, chances are you'll make him happy, but there's usually more to it than just that. Some guys say they've never had a bad orgasm, but I'd like to dispute that. Maybe there are differing levels of good and bad, but I've spoken to a lot of people, male and female, about all walks of sex, and I've had plenty of guys confess that they have indeed had bad orgasms.

This is where someone is going to chime in and say, "Not bad, just maybe not as good." However you want to qualify it, by all means. But let's be honest with ourselves -- there are the times that your partner fucked up the timing, took too long, didn't get it exactly right, where you were tired, drunk, hungover, asleep, whatever that led to an orgasm not being that great. I've had times where my body had an orgasm but I didn't feel a thing; I know of plenty of guys who ejaculate but don't orgasm, or orgasm and don't ejaculate and all of this feels frustrating, unfinished, and ... dare I say it? Bad?

Maybe I was just annoyed because she was talking incessantly and somewhat loudly, including when I was trying to answer the phone with customers, and it was only when I was talking -- with a low-pitched voice -- that other staff members were saying we ought to keep it down. Or I could've been annoyed by the fact that I barely had the chance to get a word in edgewise; despite there being other people in the conversation and her asking for advice/generally venting, it seemed that she really only wanted to hear herself speak.

I carried the conversation home to D, and he agreed with the boy from mags that girls don't really have to do anything to be good. I take this as permission to not bother doing anything particularly exciting the next time I'm with a guy -- all I have to do is be there, and I'm all set. (I can hear him sighing and rolling his eyes from here).

I've been with guys who were "pleasantly surprised" that I wasn't, in their words, a cold fish -- they then qualified it to say that they didn't expect that I would be one, just that many other girls they'd been with had been. Their description of a cold fish? Someone who just lies there, doesn't take the lead much, perhaps only gives head when requested, or at least doesn't seem especially interested in doing it... whatever. Fuck. Lost where else I was going with this.

There is an art to giving head. I've had guys talk of getting head where they hadn't a clue what the girl was doing, didn't feel anything, were bored, or flat-out didn't enjoy it for whatever reason (and no, teeth aren't always one of them). I've known guys who complained of girls being unadventurous, not wanting to do anything position-wise beyond missionary. I've known guys who feared suggesting anything new to their girlfriends because they "just knew" she'd freak out.

That's secondary to my main rant, though. Maybe some of the males reading this have been fortunate enough to have never been disappointed in their sexual experiences. Maybe they don't care if their partner is having a good time or not and are only concerned with their pleasure, making it a positive experience for them regardless of how "good" she is or not. Maybe their idea of a great time is pleasing their partner, so if she has a great time, they consider it to be a great time. Maybe there are all kinds of explanations for everything in the world (can you tell I'm tired and have to leave soon?). But don't try to tell me that a girl doesn't have to be good, because I've had too many guys tell me that they've been with girls who were bad or boring.

And I've had a few guys tell me that I'm fantastic, great, or the best they've ever been with. ;)

*big sigh* I think I got that off my chest. Now for the ICQ-rant. My ICQ nick is Aphrodite; ever since I can remember I've always thought she was awesome, and it seemed time to change from the nick I was using before (which is incorporated into this page, if you can puzzle out how). Ever since I moved, I've had an average of 2-3 strangers every 2-3 days sending me messages. These conversations annoy me because they don't go anywhere. Now, this most recent conversation annoyed me because of the way it spelled out.

I came home to see that I had a few ICQ messages. One of them was from Glorg or Shawn (don't recall), so when I opened up the screen to read "BJ? *LMAO*" I thought they were referring to something about a friend of theirs, and so I sent back "BJ?".

Then I looked at who the message was from -- a complete stranger -- and so I replied, as I do with all ICQ spam, "Fuck off."

Here's the rest of that conversation:
Him: i was just sayin' that cuz of your name on here...no hard feeling :-/
Me: Aphrodite = blowjob to you?
Him: damn girl...did i catch you on a bad night? *S*
Me: You just seem to have a really interesting way of getting to know new people. Not entirely sure how I'm supposed to react to that.
Him: sorry i just felt like goofin' around...let's start over....hi...i'm [edited]...and you are?
Me: Going to bed. And Jen.

We sent about two or three more messages after that point, but seriously, how the fuck is someone supposed to react to that? And then his "Did I catch you on a bad night?" crap -- why not just accuse me of PMSing and being unable to take a joke? It's R's "Do you ever worry about STDs?" crap all over again.

So I set this post aside for a bit to go into work at the bookstore. Decent enough shift; I really didn't care what I was doing, or getting in trouble, so I spent a lot of time on the floor shelving books and chatting with my coworkers. One new guy who works in videos, DW, happens to have a nice sense of humour and he's decent to chat with, so I do. Well, he told me later in the evening that one of the other employees took him aside and warned him that I was "the bookstore something" (DW didn't say what the "something" was, but I can guess), so he should just be aware of that. DW said, "What, we're just talking," and he was warned again. Or something.

*sigh* That shit just fucking pisses me off. The fact that I dated two guys at the same time is so fucking incomprehensible to some people as being a possible lifestyle choice that would work for someone ... and so therefore, I'm a slut. Heaven forbid I laugh and joke with a coworker -- elsewise, I must be fucking him.

Now, there are two ways that this employee could have gotten that impression of me, because he and I haven't spoken more than about five sentences to one another. One, the chick he's dating, who was anti-me to begin with, could have informed him of my horrid actions, or two, the fact that J from work and I happened to pass by the group one night after work may have led him to believe that I was doing my best to make my rounds of the staff.

Never mind that it was the boys at the store who hit on me when I first started there -- C, who invited me out to a party and movie, D, who humped me at the cash line, and E, who told me he was pregnant with my baby, asked if we were dating, and asked if he could kiss me. Then, we move forward in time, and J from work is telling me he's going to write me love poems in order to convince me to date him, and K has offered to "take care of my problem" if I can "guarantee discretion." OBVIOUSLY, I am the whore here.

Fuck. I ranted about it to DW somewhat, and it really annoyed me in that it's a note I hate to leave the bookstore on; but at the same time, it ensures that I'm really not going to miss the place, or at least not the clique-ish-ness of the older staff that's been around. D has said that he's looking forward to coming back and saying hi to everyone at Thanksgiving, seeing who's around; personally, I can think of about six or seven people I might care enough to say hi in when I'm in to shop. Out of a staff of 30+?, that's not that many.

Okay, so that's partially unfair. There's really only a half-dozen die-hard cliquey types that I wouldn't mind if I never saw again. It's a bit of a shame that my working there has kinda spoiled that place for me as an actual bookstore, but whatever. Whether they happened to approve or not, I got a really amazing relationship out of the deal, and I wouldn't have given that up for anything.

So after work, I got together with OFK, S, and JW for the bondage workshop. Fun times, good group of people. Nice to be around a crew of like-minded people, and although I didn't feel that I necessarily learned anything new, I still had fun. It was nice to do something different, although it might've been nicer had I been there with someone that I could've gone and tried everything out with. As much fun as it is to learn about knots and tying people up, well, it's a bit less interesting when you're the one who's being tied up -- or prefers to be, I should say.

From there, we went to a restaurant for dessert. Of the four of us, S was really the only one who had dessert, although I did pick at it afterwards. I enjoyed yet another round of quesadillas, OFK had some breakfast, and JW only had his milkshake. We shared some conversation and then it was off home.

And here I be home. I just wanted to finish this up before I went and passed out. Sleeping until ten is going to be an absolute luxury, and I've even shut off my cell phone so I can avoid that jarring wake-up, should anyone happen to call. Sucka! :) For now, however, my bed beckons. And I think this post is long enough. ;)


Want to die.

Please, kill me so I don't have to work anymore.


A message from my friend Jay:

"Heya. :) Nice rack."


"That image, by the way, is now the most hit on my server. ;) In under 24 hours you've beat 18 days worth of traffic."

You people are sick.

Note to self: write angry feminist rant about ICQ strangers and their opening comments.


*grin* I had a webcam for all of ten minutes before I took a picture of my boobies.
Okay, okay, I'm awake. Mostly. I think. Argh.

Looking forward to the day being done so I can have a nap. Is that a bad way to start the day?

*sigh* At least the bookstore let me go at 9, instead of keeping me until the scheduled 11. It meant that I got to hang out with Shawn and Glorg for an hour or so, rather than come home to my smelly apartment.

Today's plans, after work:

* do dishes (do *not* skip this)
* get groceries (would you like to be able to eat something other than ketchup sandwiches?)
* go to gym? (call gym)
* put away clothes? (eventually I will get around to this)
* relax, vegetate, watch some Angel
* chill with Shawn, to celebrate/berate him for his last day of work

Argh. The next two shifts at the bookstore are happening right after my shifts here, so I don't have time for a nap. I'll likely have time to change and drop off/pick up stuff, then go to work. I'll hate life, unless I manage to get some good rest in tonight -- that'll help.

How about a whole post talking about how tired I am?! That's exciting!!1!1!

I want to be held and stroked and kissed and fucked wildly. And I'm not even horny.


Of course, my underwear has a little charm on it, so life can't be all that bad, can it?

Yes, yes it can.

I just came off an 8-hour shift at my new government job. I got to bed around 1, got up before my alarm went off (something like twenty minutes before it went off, fuck), and rushed into work.

I am now about to head into a 6-hour shift at the bookstore. Did I mention I'm closing? Oh yes, there is closing love in my future. So then I get to rush home afterwards, get to bed as soon as I can, and get up tomorrow at the same time.

Of course, it doesn't help that they're easing me into things slowly, so my days have been running fairly slowly. *sigh*

*sarcastic chipper tone* At least I get to have tomorrow off from the bookstore, so I can get things done around the apartment!


I have dishes I haven't done since Sunday. I have clothes to put away. I have groceries I should restock. I swear to God, if I don't have someone fun to work with tonight, I might just kill someone. I'm hoping for A, and I'm pretty certain that she is working -- if she's the one who called in sick, I'm going to kill her in the most hurtiest way possible.


Yeah, I'm tough and scary. And apparently intimidating and full of confidence. I don't know where the fuck you guys get that impression, but whatever.

Anyhow, hung out for awhile with Glorg and Shawn last night. We got some munchies with the cool waitress and then headed over to see their new place. En route, the skies opened up, so I wound up camping out there for awhile until the worst of the rain abated. I also recorded Shawn's voice mail message for him, and I was kind -- I stayed away from the "is too busy masturbating and crying" one I had originally planned. Although I did emphasize "is indisposed," so draw your conclusions from there.

Chatted with D for a little bit before going to bed -- and no, that wasn't the reason I was up late. We talked while I walked to my apartment, then while I was getting ready for bed. After that point, it was the hot lying down to go to sleep action.

I got to have lunch with Heather today, and we chatted about various boy situations and whatnot. 'Twas nice.

Oh yeah, the part I wanted to write about. If anyone is squeamish or uncomfortable with learning that I'm a sexually active female, they might want to stop reading here. Or never read my blog again. And most definitely avoid Whore's Boudoir.

I don't know what the situation was, or the reason, but last night I was so fucking mentally horny it was unbelievable. I wasn't in the "I need to hump someone's leg and *now*" kind of mood that for me constitutes being physically horny, I just had urges and impulses and thoughts running constantly through my head.

I kept picturing aspects of sex -- like the feeling of someone else's warm flesh against yours. Getting to run your hands down someone's body and feel their muscles flex. Kissing... oh God, kissing. I love kissing, and I was imagining scene after scene of hot make out action. I was seeing myself pushing mystery guy up against a wall and just passionately kissing him... I was thinking of being on top and on the bottom and just feeling the press of lips and the slide of tongues and the gentle nibbling of teeth on lips... Lips on nipples, hands on slick or hard flesh, the passion, the twisting, the overwhelming need...

Just image after image through my head. Some of them were tame, others were a little more intense -- vibrators, dildos, bondage scenes, teasing, tormenting, feeling that sweet ache of flesh that waits for a stroke, a touch, a carress, a lick, a nibble, a bite, a kiss, a squeeze, just attention of some sort.

So yeah. I was kinda horny. It's been quite some time since I've been horny, and the sensation was both nice and frustrating. :P Not to mention it's difficult to do anything about it when you're surrounded by friends. And at their place.

However, fantastic moment of the evening from the restaurant... Glorg, Shawn and myself are sitting at the table, and the subject of masturbating in Shawn's bed comes up. I say, "Yeah, but really -- who here at this table *hasn't* masturbated in Shawn's bed?" The look on Glorg's face was priceless, absolutely priceless. I don't think he wanted to believe that I hadn't -- he kept double-checking. :)
I am big with the hating life right now. Hooray for rage and exhaustion. *sigh*
Got more than 3 hours of sleep last night, so I'm feeling slightly more awake right now. Kinda worried because I don't think I have the email addresses I need to do my work. Don't want to get in trouble.

Not sure what I'll be doing with myself after about 9 or 10 this morning, at least if I go to the minister's office that should fill that time -- otherwise I'll have nothing to do past about 8:30 or so. Gonna have to go around to various people and ask, as my boss is in Toronto.

I know, ex-boyfriend J is probably going to say something along the lines of "the joys of government work." He mentioned a few days ago that he picked up on a trend with me when it comes to discussing ex-boyfriends, but never told me what that trend was. I'm curious, very curious.

I want to write more, but I have to get my lunch and such together -- no time now. Don't want to be really rushed, like I was yesterday. :P


Being tipsy is fun.

Being tipsy (how many times did I just have to type that?) 3 1/2 hours before you have to be at work for your new job is less fun. Ah well, I shall hate myself tomorrow.


I saw a funny sign on my way to work today. It was advertising a Mexican restaurant, and I don't think this was deliberate, but here it presents itself:

The best Mexican restaurant in town.
"You will like"

And that's how it was arranged. It amused me.

I got a fair bit done today, not that it's necessarily apparent. I got some ironing done and some clothes hung up. I got two loads of laundry done (must remember to get the second load out of the dryer when I get home). My dad was super-helpful in getting *all* of the ice out of my freezer -- apparently the chick who lived there before me (for 6 years, according to my landlord) had never done it.

I got my cart set up and my microwave re-installed, but not my toaster oven. I need to buy a power bar to accomodate all the plugs. I got my dishes done, but generated some more with my breakfast/lunch. No biggie.

I feel kinda tired, so hopefully getting to bed tonight won't be a *huge* problem. :P I met a few of the neighbours in the process of getting my laundry done, which was kinda fun. Didn't really chat with either of them, but it proves that there are boys who live around me, and not just girls. :)

Mike's wife/widow Theresa has been in town the last little while, visiting and staying with my folks and two of her daughters. Mom was telling me that Theresa was doing a bunch of things here that she was afraid of doing and whatnot, and missing Mike. While my mom was telling me these stories, I was just struck suddenly with how much I love my parents and how wonderful they've been for me over the years.

Absolutely, I have my problems with them. But on the whole? They've been pretty awesome to me, and I really appreciate all of the help they've given me with getting set up, at the very very least. My whole family has drawn together -- my mom's mom made me a bunch of curtains and sent up some laundry baskets, towels and a few other decorative touches. My dad's sister is sending up some towels and bedding at some point. My parents have bought me so much for my dwelling, and have spent lots of time finding me other things and taking me on shopping expeditions. Even Theresa apparently bought me a gift -- a George Foreman-type grill for the place.

I guess we're borrowing from the Amish tradition of barn-raising. The whole village has chipped in. :)

Anyhow, I just was struck by how much my parents care for me, spending time cutting wood to prop my fridge and stove up (although we left the stove alone and propped up other things, instead, like my bed -- now I will roll towards the wall at night). All it takes is one little laughing comment about how I think I'll fall out of bed at night, and my dad's ready to prop my bed for me. It's awesome and sweet.

At the same time, I've been feeling a bit lonely. I've had my folks over more than anyone else, I think. Admittedly, my place isn't much of one for big gatherings, and I haven't got the place really cleaned up... nor have I had much time in the evenings to hang with my homies, but I just hope that once my schedule balances a bit better, I'll be all over the entertaining.

Heather has already told me that I have to call her on Mondays and Fridays, when she doesn't have class or work. I do have my dance class on Mondays, but I'm sure I'll make the effort to hang out with her whenever possible. I know once Shawn, Glorg and Jacob get moved into their place, the group of us will be shuffling back and forth on a fairly regular basis. Maybe we can even persude Ben or Mark to come out once in awhile! We can always dream, eh? :)

I have tentative future plans, too. I figure that if I pass the competition after 6 months on this job, I'll likely start looking for a new place, maybe see if I can get out of my lease. It wouldn't cost me too much more to get a bigger place -- I'm sure I could get something with a fair bit of space for only a hundred, hundred and fifty more a month, which I could certainly afford.

I also have my mini wish list of technological gadgets I'd like to get in the next little while. There's the digital camera, the webcam (probably my next acquisition, since it's the cheapest), and the DVD player. It'd just be nice to watch my DVDs on my television, instead of my computer. More friend-friendly, too. :)

Ah well... once the bookstore job is over, things'll get more smooth for me. The gym thing can be ironed out, the dance classes will continue, and I'll settle into my boring little routine. :)

Isn't this exciting to read? :)
Okay, time to move some of the stuff out of my bed. I keep waking up with a stiff neck. :P

Today's goals:

* defrost freezer
* get some laundry done
* iron and hang up clothes so I have something to wear to work tomorrow
* put away CDs?
* set up microwave cart (depends on when brought down)
* get in better mood
* put away rest of clothes
* do dishes
* get moving now and stop wasting time
Cleaning up my email, here's a link for people to follow if they're interested: http://homepages.inf.ed.ac.uk/s9553330/blog_exp_intro.html. It's a guy doing a thesis on blogs. It doesn't take very long to do.
Things I've learned from late-night television:

* If I put on weight, my boyfriend has a right to cheat on me.

* If I've been treated poorly by men in the past, I have a right to cheat on the guy who's supporting me (and my kid and his kid).

* Celebrity Justice uses all of their resources to make the world's worst puns and connections between an actor/actress and his/her most recent/famous film.

Got together briefly with J from work today for movie adventure goodness. Unfortunately, J wasn't feeling well, so we wound up leaving the film after about an hour and just walking home. En route, we passed by the bookstore folk and sorta said hi, so now I wonder what rumours will abound. Meh.

Otherwise, quiet day. Looooong day. I desperately wanted to go home and I was feeling exhausted, but I did get my Angel season 2 (had to pick it up from the post office), and I made it through another shift. Four more to go; still debating on asking someone else to take that closing shift for me or not. Also must move gym appointment. Must clean apartment. *sigh*

My folks are supposed to come down tomorrow to give me my microwave cart. I really ought to clean up first. *sigh* Stupid errands. Stupid looking after myself. :)

Got to chat with D briefly. His mom came by the other day to return all of the uniforms he was hoarding; I wasn't there when she came in, but I got to see the pile. And mock him for it later. :)

There was a book of daily sexual positions left by the videos till today, so myself and one of the new employees were perusing it -- he made a point of showing it to me, and so of course I had to look up various "important" dates, such as my birthday, today's date, Christmas, and so on. My position is "have you seen my keys," which, from the line drawings in the book, appears to be a variation on the standing reverse-entry. So long as I have something against which to brace myself, I'm all for this one. ;)

Shawn, if you read this, reply to my email and tell me what your ICQ number is. I have an old version of ICQ (that apparently has every weirdo in the world wanting to contact me -- I've had no less than about ten strangers in the last few days saying hi) -- and I can't find your number online. If there are others I'm missing, please speak up. :)


And so begins adventures in naked apartment living. Last night I was just too warm to bother sleeping in pjs, so I didn't. I usually find that I kinda "need" the barrier of clothes between bedclothes, or that my skin temperature drops too much if I don't have a t-shirt or something on, but last night I was fine.

The last two or three mornings I've woken up a few minutes before my alarm clock, despite getting up at different hours of the morning (though usually it's been 8 or 9, no weird times in between). It's nice, and it's annoying -- I'm looking forward to being able to sleep in tomorrow.

Today is supposed to be the day that J and I from work go out on a "date," which I never wrote about here -- he asked/told me we were going to see a movie tonight, then when I asked if we were going on a date or just as buds, he said he'd prefer a date, but would take buds... and try to work me up to a date. I said that I wasn't really in a place to go out on a date, and he said that he was going to write me an amazing love poem in order to convince me otherwise.

However, yesterday he went home sick, so I don't know if anything's on tonight. If not, it'll give me a chance to clean my apartment, maybe get to the gym (despite being sore and cranky), and do some laundry -- all of which are fairly overdue. My folks are coming down tomorrow to bring me my microwave cart, so that means I can finally set up my toaster oven and start eating my bread products. I also desperately need to defrost my freezer so I can have some meat in the house. :P

Last night I abused Shawn's porn storific discount for the final time, buying a number of toys for my collection that I didn't already own -- and one item of apparel. Afterwards, we headed over to Pizza Hut to make the waiter hate us -- they'd already cleaned the restaurant and then along we came. And then a family followed us in and the waiter punished us by seating them behind us, so all of a sudden I felt slightly self-conscious about our discussion. We still continued it -- screaming orgasms, BDSM, threesomes and all -- but I felt a little guilty about it. Of course, the funny part was that the dad of the family was one of Shawn's regulars.

When we left for the bus stop, it seemed as though the parents gave us dirty looks. Meh.

What else is interesting? I signed up for belly dance lessons, so I start that on Monday. I'm working my final week at the bookstore this week, and so I have three jobs still for a week -- and training at the government. *sigh* Stupid early hours. I have one closing shift at the bookstore, and I think I'm going to try to get out of it. Being at work until about quarter after eleven, then having to get up at 5:30 the next morning? Not what I might call fun.

I'm so looking forward to just working at the government, 'cause then I can get into a regular schedule at the gym and everything, too. I'll do what I can to set up regular appointments with my trainer and then go in other days under my own steam. Once my schedule is regular, I think I'll be able to push myself to do at least that much.

I think I'm getting muscles, too -- I think I can feel my triceps and forearms more than I used to. Watch me flex in sexy ways! ;)

Ah well. Time for me to get moving. I'm going to buy my breakfast again and I have to stop by the post office -- a parcel arrived for me yesterday (Angel season 2, I presume? :), and I have to go pick it up. Maybe I'll get to watch some Angel tonight. Ah the exciting downtown apartment dwelling. :)
See my pseudo-mention in the article here... right at the bottom. Big thanks to Prospero for pointing it out.


I need help deciding between two webcams. There is this one and then there is this one. I think I like the second one because it is a) cheaper, and it says it does 30 frames per second, not "up to" like the other one. The only difference between them is the software it comes bundled with and the video resolution. Anyone have any advice?

Okay, I have a few more minutes for writing. I seem to be recovering from the cold -- it hit me hard and quick and it seems to be leaving almost as readily, which is nice. Had another chat with Shawn last night, then one with D before I went to bed. These late night talks are going to have to end somewhat soon -- as in, as of this Sunday. *sigh* I'm *so* not looking forward to getting up at 5:30 or so every morning. Urf. Stupid 7 a.m. job. :P

Yesterday I got to work info again, and at one point I was trying to help these Spanish tourists find a particular book. I found it for them (after the person I asked to get it never called me back), and later realized that I'd mixed up some Italian (prego is Italian for you're welcome, not Spanish) in with my meagre amounts of Spanish. Too bad D or this other new guy A weren't around to translate, but there ya have it. :P

A French professor that I was trying to help one other info shift told me I had a nice French accent, which is always nice to hear. I guess maybe a lot of French people are used to hearing *really* Anglo French, so someone who kinda knows how to do the accent is a nice change?

I really hope I get to work info again today. I really don't feel like working cash. :P Therefore, I want to get in a bit early so I can try to beg. ;) Plus, I don't really have anything in the house for breakfast (all of my bread is frozen and my toaster oven still isn't set up), so I need to hit up a bagel shop for some morning meal.

For lunch though, I have myself a nectarine (that I didn't eat yesterday after the gym, as planned *shame*) and some tasty leftover Thai from last night's dinner with Shawn, Glorg, Matt and Travis. I felt old; I was the oldest there by a year or more, and Travis was the resounding baby at 18. Eesh. :P :)

Been having a bit of a debate on B.J.'s journal regarding dating practices and what's right or not; I'm of the opinion that whatever works for the individuals involved is "right" and it may or may not work for someone else. *shrug* He's in a serious relationship now with someone he met on a MUD; I did the same many moons ago, and it was the worst relationship I'd ever been in (although the one with the coworker comes in a close second). Meeting people through your interests isn't always a guarantee of success. :)

Anyhow, now it's time for me to run. Angel season 2 should arrive today! :)


New article up at Whore's Boudoir. It kinda drifts at the end, and when I was writing it up this evening, I felt like maybe it had a particular tone to it... I dunno. That might just be my current mood projecting onto it, but I could be wrong. Lemme know what you think; I don't want to mention what tone I think it has, lest I bias you all. Which I've already done. Ah well.

Eventually made it out to hang out with Glorg, Jacob and Shawn. I met up with them at a restaurant and we had some drinks and some dessert. I have to say, I was a little disappointed with my Hot Temptation; it was hot, but it wasn't that temptationizing. Or quite as tasty as some Hot Temptation-type desserts I've had before. Again, ah well.

Feeling very lackluster right now. My cold seems to be much improved, which is nice; it would appear that I was hit hard and suddenly and that it might perhaps disappear as quickly. We shall see what the morrow brings.

Today involved my 46-year old coworker asking me to sleep with him and what it would take to get me to sleep with him, and a coworker at my other job asked me out, but only kinda sorta. I danced around it, and he later apologized for coming on too strong, which I just kinda brushed off so as to make him feel more at ease (or so I hope). He asked me out with one or two other people around, so I made a bit of a joke about how I would just stand there while they talked about me in the third person; we shall see if anything more comes of it.

Nothing more from the two other coworkers (again, one at each job) that asked me to sleep with them (again in an indirect manner); I figure I'll wait to see if they actually bring it up again and then deal with it that way. It's my way of coping; feign ignorance until I have to actually deal with it, point-blank. Yay for playing stupid!

Why is my life always "interesting" in weird ways? Why can't it just be dull and full of things like awesome job, new apartment (which I'm not allowed to call the slanty shanty -- I must hereafter refer to it as the Drunken Whore's Boudoir, which incorporates the site, the sex (that I'm not having), and the drunken is a way of referring to the slantedness of it), and awesome sex/relationship? I guess sometimes guys are right -- MarkUK was the one to say that it's only 2 of the 3 aspects of your life that can only work out at the same time. The three parts are social life, personal life and work. And Meatloaf, another guy, said it best: I guess two out of 3 ain't bad.

Yet, as someone living out the 2 out of 3 (and soon to be working 3 jobs, if the bookstore doesn't hurry up and let me go.. although I might see if they'll let me drop to 2 shifts a week, 'cause I don't work enough with a full-time job and a shift on Sundays), I can say that it ain't that great, either. I've decided to make this entry as full of little insertions and things as possible (which I'm writing at the same time, not going back later to put in), in order to make it as confusing as possible to understand. Such is the state of my head lately.

There are things I want to write and I want to say, but I know that saying them won't change a damn thing, so why bother? Sometimes I do want to take people up on their offers so that I can use them for the temporary comfort that it would provide, but I know I'd just feel emptier afterwards, because it wouldn't be based on actual emotion -- at least not on my part -- and just on loneliness and a way of trying to fill the hollow.

Vaguely entertaining quote from this evening (I'll write out the actually funny ones later): "I was playing with a knife the other night, but I didn't use it. The blade had been used and was kinda ucky, so I didn't want to use it." "See, you think of things like that. Us, we just do it."

People ask me to express more of my emotions, and I know I'm not nearly as bad as some people we could name -- I don't deny I have emotions, after all -- but I worry sometimes or I notice sometimes that people don't seem to be able to handle emotion. E seemed scared of the fact that I cared for him (or I'll just make up stuff to feel like less of a loser), few friends are comfortable with having worries/dark thoughts/etc. just dumped on them, and even I get skittish when someone tells me they care about me.

I talked to Shawn the other day about how I could understand people cutting themselves, in a way; it's a way of concentrating all of the frustrations, upsets, angers and so forth into one tangible thing. That's why some of us do things like get pierced or tattooed; I know Diana and Heather share this with me -- we've all admitted or flat-out stated that some (or all) of our body mods are due to being hurt by guys. I've had some of mine done for other hurts, but the impetus is there.

Do I have people worried yet? Sorry. I'm not in near as dark a mood as I seem, but I'm not really in a chipper one, either. I guess it's partly from repressing certain things, or trying to cope with them. By repressing them. Yeah, I'm healthy and a half.

I just... I don't know what to do. There's no point in asking for what I want, because it might only be a band-aid solution, and I know it's not going to happen anyway. There's just an awful lot of gray area in the meantime, and it's not fun.

*sigh* It's so wrong to use others, but sometimes I just wish I could. Or that I'd let myself, that is. Just walk up and say, "I don't want this to be anything, but could we make out? Or cuddle?" Yet that would be using and would feel almost like a betrayal... how can I lay claim to feelings if I'm going to do something like that? Circumstances were different over the summer, and now they're different once more and none of it's been easy.

I want to spell it all out, but I don't want anyone to talk to me about it. Does that make sense? I want to say everything here that I want, but I don't want to hear the inevitable, "Uh... this isn't what I want" that I know will be the answer.

Rejection seems to be the story of my life. Get interested, get attached, get left behind as someone begins a new life of which I'm a minor part, or even a footnote. I can't count how many times it's happened. This is why friends are easier -- sure, you get attached, but there isn't the hope or the expectation or whatnot. It's a lot easier to renew a friendship that's been allowed to lapse than it is a relationship.

I'll be fine. I always have to be. I always am. If I pretend and smile and laugh and joke and just keep moving, it'll all keep moving around me. Not that it doesn't anyways, but if I keep up the front, then no one notices that I'm just drifting and not moving with it.

Just... don't, okay?

In horrid segue theatre, some quotes from the last few evenings of Glorg-Shawn-Jacob-Jen goodness:

"God doesn't hate it if they're young. How else are they going to have sex?" -- Okay, to fully appreciate this one, you must know that we rag on Glorg about how his being gay "isn't approved by God" and Shawn likes to rag on Glorg for liking young guys (which he does, but we're talking 17-19ish, not pedophile range by *any* stretch of the imagination) -- of course, us being us, we have to hyperbolize everything and make it seem that yes, we too hate gays and that yes, Glorg is a pedophile. Please, just laugh, okay? S'funny in context, I promise.

"When they're that young, they don't need to kneel, just bend over." -- See above. Hyperbole and deliberately trying to be as offensive as possible (sloppy vag, anyone?). Just laugh.

"Thou shalt D.P. whenever possible." -- One of Glorg's Ten Commandments.

"They have some kind of pres-esque device." -- I think this was me being intelligent. It might've been Glorg, actually. I don't usually write down the things I say 'cause they're rarely that funny.

And from tonight: "A human has the will to get better. A cat just thinks, "I'm a cat."" That one apparently appears on the website, www.shawnisright.com, since he corrected it for me after I wrote it down. Wrong. I don't deserve to live.


Alive... alive... it's alive!

Yes, I *finally* have my home Internet connection back up and running, not to mention an actual system, instead of the cobbled together, mouse-run dealy that I had before. Yay for that.

Obviously, it is lacking things, as I had to strip out XP and re-install it. *huffs* However, it is good to go for now, and that makes me happy. :)

I also am happy because I found a belly dance course I can and will register for, and it's a mere block and a half or so from my house. Awesomeness. :)

For now, I'm off to hang out with Glorg, Shawn and Jacob, and do some awesome pool playing.


For those who want to know (I'm thinking perhaps of Ben), Chapters.ca has Angel, season 2 on for about $58 or so, which is cheaper than HMV is selling it for. I also got a $10 coupon from going to Cineplex Odeon, so my purchase came to $53 total. I love getting deals. :)
First of all, thank you Shawn for the update. Very nicely done. :)

Second, I did have a cool time with Heather -- we hung out at her apartment in scary Quebec and chatted and got some food and then I headed back to my apartment.

I called my dad to figure out how to set up my computer desk and wound up getting in an argument with him for awhile. Great fun was had by all. Then D and I chatted and my bad mood carried over/was continued and I got all morose and depressed and sad and then I put up pictures around my apartment.

Afterwards, I called Shawn and we chatted for awhile, and I worked on a puzzle and then went to bed late... only to be awoken by the freakin' construction. My favourite part of the construction is that they do something with poundy machines that shake my house from somewhere after 7 a.m. until about 9:30 or so, when I give up on sleeping and decide to get up. Then, they switch to much quieter machines that I could theoretically sleep through, if they weren't using them at noon, after I've showered and gotten up and started to head out. *grrr*

There was also a note in my mailbox stating that they were going to be doing work this evening that required the shutting off of my water from 7:00 p.m. until 7:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. Good thing I'm not working the government job yet, otherwise I'd be screwed for morning showers and such. :P

Urgh. I so hate being sick. Especially since I didn't get any warning, so I didn't get the chance to try to fight it off with echinacea and whatnot... it's just here and I'm coping as best as I can. Which means looking and sounding like ass, and drugging myself into oblivion -- something that's not working as well as it used to. :(

My boss just came in and said there must be something in the water here at work, 'cause his wife is expecting -- making it three people in the creative/production department who are expecting (although one of them just recently had his baby). I said I was going to make sure I stopped drinking the water here, not that it really matters. One requires "special hugging" to have a baby on the way.

The same thing happened when I was at the animal hospital, too; two or three people got preggers there, sometime before I left. Maybe it's an effect I have? :)

Ah well... I wrote most of an article for Whore's Boudoir last night, so as soon as I finish it, I'll put it up. It's pretty sweet when articles write themselves.

I am not Jen.

However, in spite of being decidedly not Jen (a harsh reality that keeps me awake at night), I am updating her blog. This is obviously an unprecedented blog-crossover that will shake the information superhighway to its very foundations. Feel free to fall backwards in your chair (assuming you are sitting in one) in a stereotypically-hilarious fashion. For example, extending both arms and waving them frantically as though you were a bird having a seizure would definitely suffice. Once you're back on your feet and have come to accept that a non-Jen is updating Jen's blog, you may continue reading.

I'm sure if Jen were writing this update, she's say something to the effect of: 'I had a shitty day. Although I hung out with my friend Heather (good times for all), I also got into a bit of a fight with my father/parents that left me in tears and in a sour mood. My cold is also very sickness-causing at the moment, which is certainly non-good times. I am also a loser because ninety-nine percent of the time, it's difficult for my fans (Shawn being a prime example) to leave me encouraging comments due to the fact that that portion of my site is perpetually down and pathetic and stupid. I'm also inexplicably attracted to John Lovitz, and felt that I should finally come clean. Oh, and speaking of Shawn: Meatforbabies.org is, in fact, the bizomb. It's actually more akin to the mizzother of bizzombs, if I may be so bold. Sometimes I run into walls as though I were mad, simply because I'm frustrated at how hot his website is!'

And her entry would go on like that, but I'm sure you get the gist.

Actually, if you've managed to read through this piece of nonsensical writing, I was wondering if you could do me a favour. If you are able to leave a comment, leave one reminding Jen that she is, in fact, the coolest person EVAAAARRRR. After all, she doesn't seem to appreciate that she's all up ons when it comes to being a cool and modern chick, which is unfortunate. Oh, and if the comment-thingy is still fuckzored, you are hereby ordered to tell Jen how awesome she is at the next available opportunity (like when the commenty-thingy is a-workin', for example).

And so ends the momentous non-Jen update. Life is confusing and stressful not only for me, but for pretty much everyone else I currently know. Jen is no exception to this trend, you see, and I'm sure once her computer isn't being as much of an ass-jerk, you'll hear all about it in exquisite detail. =)

I josh because I love!



So few people are updating their journals, which is kinda annoying. Y'hear that folks? Annoying! Write more!

Still more strangers talking to me on ICQ. I don't get how they're finding me or whatever.

The construction is still going on outside my door, and now we're back to the pounding machines. It's not directly on my doorstep like last time, although it sounds awfully close. I did manage to fall back asleep after the cold medications wore off and I woke up at 7 a.m., but then the phone rang at 9 and it was kinda all downhill from there.

I was up pretty late last night chatting with Shawn. We had a really good talk, touching on all sorts of topics, and he described me as having more emotional depth than he'd realized. Or something like that. :)

Got in touch with both of the professors giving me recommendations, and they both said they'd have my paperwork back to me within the week. Now I just have to get my end of things together -- updating my resume to include the INAC job, finding really good writing samples, that sort of thing. I am pretty hopeful about this; it'd be pretty awesome to have a Master's degree, even if I have to do it part-time. Maybe I'd be able to do it through the summer, too, and shorten the time-frame of it a bit. Who knows? First I have to get accepted. Challenge the first.

I'm finding that with a lot of my friends or acquaintances going back to school, I miss it. I don't miss the stress, some of the classes, profs or mind-numbing readings, but in a weird way I miss the idea of school, more so than the reality, I guess. This is the first time in 19 years, effectively, that I haven't gone to school; it's a weird feeling. I know I celebrated having finished, but ...

I just don't want to do anything today. I want to drug myself into a stupor and wake up when I'm not sick. :P Although I might stay awake if someone gives me a backrub. :)

For now, it's off to eat some more breakfast (I had a stale croissant to try to get rid of the stomach pains and so now I'm just hungry), and then perhaps some reading. I'm really enjoying Memoirs of a Geisha, my current intermittent read. It's quite interesting and well-written. I recommend. :)


At this point, I just want to lie down and make all the yuck feelings go away. However, that will not happen.

I got to go out to WalMart today to return my sugar and creamer set that I bought. It turns out it was broken when I opened it, so I got a new one. I also returned the bathmats that I had bought, since purple doesn't really go with my peach/brown/wine red bathroom colour scheme.

It's funny; as much as I was going for the "poor student/eclectic" look in my apartment, my mom wasn't really letting me. Admittedly, my furniture is a mix of birch, maple, white and some random dark wood, we were still aiming for themes for awhile -- until it became too much and I just went for cheap in some instances. :)

I had to buy more cold medicine today as it turns out that my big bottle of pills is sitting at home, on my dresser. *sigh* Figures. :P I also get to bus back home at some point this week in order to give my CPU over to my dad so he can fix whatever crap-ass job I did of cobbling together my temporary OS. He said he may have to strip out and reinstall XP entirely, but I *really* hope that isn't the case. I should probably get rid of my newly-acquired gay porn before I bring this home. Not that he would snoop through my system, but... meh.

Urgh. I do not want to work tonight. I just want to sit on my couch in a stupor until I feel better. This week is another five days in a row or something stupid of double shifts. At least one of my jobs ends on Friday; the other one (the bookstore) I've been informed I'm not allowed to quit, and I've been booked for at least one more week there.

I've told a few people here and there what my plans are, and I was waiting until they were slightly more official to do so, but here they are: I'm going to be taking on a position as an IS-3 with Indian and Northern Affairs. I'll be working in a media/public relations position, and beyond that, I don't know much. It'll start off as 2 3-month contracts before it goes to competition, so once the people that I'm trying to contact actually start answering their phones and returning messages, I'll have more information to post here. Suffice it to say, I'm eager and such, but it also doesn't yet feel real, so it's hard to be too excited about it.

I had thought I'd be starting this next Monday -- September 15th or so -- but I'm not sure how quickly they'll manage to move on paperwork and whatnot. This means that staying on an extra week or so with the bookstore isn't a totally bad thing, and I may even stay on for two or three shifts a week after that. Who knows? I'll probably want to die after not too long, but if I don't have the energy when I'm young, when will I have it?

I rented a tape from the nearby porn store the other night. They don't rent out porn, just how-to videos, and this one was on sexy dancing. I was pretty disappointed with the tape; it would show a "class" of people stretching and swaying against one another while Nina Hartley (who wrote, starred and directed it) talked about how she can "feel" what they're doing or how much she wants to have sex with this girl or that guy. Then it would cut to a scene of one of the couples having some form of 'sexy dancing' -- be it one stripping for the other or the two dancing together -- and then they'd have sex, or as in one case, the girl gave the guy head. I found myself wanting to fast-forward through the sex parts to get to the instruction on dancing, which was kinda funny.

The situation with D and I is all up in the air. Glorg and Shawn were asking me about it last night, and I started trying to explain when the subject turned to other matters. I'm in a weird place of caring for him, but not being with him. We talk online or on the phone, and we say we miss each other and we'll see each other at Thanksgiving, but ... I dunno. I'm not used to feeling strongly about someone and not being with them, even if it's long distance -- I'm very spoiled in that regard. I guess some small part of me does hope that he has a or some relationships down there so he can 'enjoy the full college experience,' but the rest of me doesn't want that. As always, I carry some hope that things'll work out, although that hope'll be pretty close to dashed if he does date someone else, at least semi- or seriously.

I dunno. I don't think he'll go very long as a single guy, especially if he's trying not to be, or if he's trying to whore it up in the 'college way.' I know he's said that there are a few people it would bug him if I dated/slept with, but I wonder what it would be like for him if I dated someone that wasn't on that list. Would it bother/upset him? Or would he just be happy that I had moved on? I guess it's my usual scepticism/self-doubt about what people actually feel for me. It always seems to me that when I'm in a serious relationship with someone, where I'm in love with them or love them, that I feel it more strongly than they do. Part of me always thought that I loved the ex- more than he loved me, for example. I don't know if it was true or not, or if I just really doubt that anyone could love me the way that I might love them. I guess this is why I tend to shelter my emotions -- as pointed out to me by Ben, Glorg and Shawn, at least. I really don't know.
There we go. I now have a phone set up and working, so if you want to know my new home phone number, gimme a shout, either through email or my cell. :)

Yesterday, the blogspot sites weren't working; today it's the livejournal sites. Vaguely annoying. :P

I've also had a mini-rash of people recently ICQing me that I don't know. This one guy today was rather persistent and weird in his conversations. Just plain weird and vaguely annoying.

Ah well, today I'm off to WalMart to return some things and replace some others. I just paid September's rent, so that's cool -- good to know my landlord is on top of things. ;) Maybe it'll be the first Sunday of every month or something, who knows? He says to let him know if I need anything, but... I don't. I get the impression of a busy guy who isn't really huge on making sure we're all set. If that makes sense. That's okay, so long as nothing breaks or the ceiling doesn't fall in on me, I don't plan to be here longer than a year, so I should be okay. Right? :)

I just wish my comments would be back up and running, but that should be going tomorrow or the day after. Cross your fingers and save 'em up. :)
Urgh. I seem to be coming down with a cold, which sucks. I've also learned that drinking on a day I've worked out isn't necessarily the best of ideas -- either that or just being sick and drinking isn't good. But I needs mah Baileys!

Anyhow, I had a gym appointment today, so I met with my trainer and she had me doing new exercises and free weights and so my muscles got all weird and quivery and it was kinda cool and kinda awful at the same time. :)

Aside from that, didn't do too much with the day. I picked up some fruits and veggies at the stalls en route to my place, and then made up my perogies and bacon that I had to let defrost because my freezer is full of ice. Yes, I need to defrost it, I just haven't really had time lately. I suck.

From there, met up with Glorg, Jacob and Shawn for an evening of goodness. We went and saw S.W.A.T., after much debate, and I think we *might've* enjoyed it a bit more had it not been for the woman behind us who noticed everything happening a few beats later and then announced it. Her cell phone also rang during the movie. I want to turn around and beat her with my bag of popcorn, but it simply wouldn't have done enough damage. Curses.

We then went to have a drink with some friends of Gord's that he ran into in the theatre, and then they walked me home. Here I be, and I think I'm going to finish watching the last twenty minutes or so of the movie I started this afternoon, then head to bed. I'm hoping by then my phone'll be working, since I may have cocked up the battery process yesterday. The base rings, but the phone doesn't and it doesn't get a dial tone, so I don't think it's the line, and the phone was brand-new. Here's hoping it works so I can have land line goodness.

Anytime you want your sides to ache with laughter, just ask Gord to give you his IKEA-spy narrative process. Jacob and I were in hysterics laughing, and I won't do it the dishonour of trying to reproduce it here, 'cause there ain't no way I could even approach the hilarity. It was funny. :)

I also managed to get all of my magnetic poetry kits (all two of 'em) up on the fridge today, so now there are going to be rules about when people hang out for any length of time. A poem must be made!

Here are my contributions, that I created just on the fly as I put up the words:

I stroke myself

I crave his sweet carress

Blow your man juice

and the now-classic: milk man penis make goo

Take that, Keats. :)


New post up at Porn by a Chick. I would write here, but frankly, I'm wiped. Night-night.


For those of you who weren't brave enough (a.k.a. Shawn) to click on the whale link from yesterday, it's not gross. It's not a big pile of poo or anything like that, so just relax. :)

I have come to the conclusion that no one in the government answers their phones. It's what you might call annoying. :P

Anyways, got to chat with D for a bit yesterday morning and evening. Haven't done much catching up, really, although he has the advantage of this site. :) Not that everything appears up here, but...

I'm torn as to how I'm supposed to act around K now. I mean, how does one act around someone that hasn't expressed an interest, per se, in you, but says he'd sleep with you if you kept your mouth shut about it? Meh. It's not as if I'm going to act on it, but still.

Aside from that, work wasn't too bad. Told one of the seniors today that I was leaving. It's funny how relaxed I've been getting since I've decided it and since I'm now being a bit more open about it. It's not that I'm slacking off on my job or anything of the sort, but I'm enjoying work a bit more and I'm doing my best to let the personality stuff slide off of me. That's not to say it's perfect, but I'm trying.

Anyhow, time to get moving. I have to get to the mall and buy a phone before work, and time is starting to run pretty short.


For those who liked the Honda ad, here's one with a twist: 118 118.

Also, whale fecal trail a.k.a. "poo". :)
Okay, finally posted my update to Whore's Boudoir.

I'm glad that I've given notice. It's going to be good to be away from E. That shit is just weird and annoying to deal with.

Today I was working at the info desk instead of my usual cash position, so that was fun 'cause it was different. I didn't have too many dumb people to deal with, so that was good -- just one or two, compared to the usual assortment. I had fun calling over to A on cash occasionally and just chatting with other employees when I could.

K was working behind the desk with me as well, and we were chatting a bit with the beanpole youngster who's working the same section D used to.

Now, the weird thing about this guy is that he's really tall and really thin, and his vest hangs the same way that D's did when he was working... so the first day that I met this beanpole guy, I kept seeing him out of the corner of my eye or whatever and thinking, "There's D" or "I should go say hi to D" and then it would turn out to not be D, but in fact the beanpole. Kept throwing me for a loop.

A was also telling me today about her crush on the youngster M, who also works there. He seems like a nice guy, really friendly and fun, and flirtatious in a way that's fun and non-threatening. He got pretty drunk at D's going away party and apparently went out to puke in the bushes, then passed out there; they went outside and found him at some point.

So the evening wasn't too bad, although I was getting the impression for awhile that K didn't much care for me or something... until I went to leave. He and I have been talking a bit about relationships vs. just plain fuck buddies over the last while, and I guess maybe I've whined a little about not getting any or something. It's been mainly joking at work, but privately sometimes I wish I wasn't going without. No matter.

Anyhow, today as I went to leave, he made the comment that "if he could be assured of discretion, he'd take care of my problem for me." Needless to say, I was somewhat floored by this. Then I kidna ran almost right away to tell A, and here I am posting it here online. This ranks right up there in my amazement factor with J, one of the other guys at work, asking me to "keep him in mind for the boyfriend list" if I were looking (as I'd joked I was doing at D's going away party).

A number of people at the bookstore have asked me about D, how he's doing, if I miss him, and so on. One of the older employees, another M, asked about him today and told me to say hi. The hostess of the party was asking about him, and J was asking if I "missed my little D." Of course no one would ask about me to the same extent when I leave, although maybe if D was still around they might ask him about me. More than likely, no one would notice.

That's something I was thinking about on my walk home today -- after busing to the house right after work (which ended at 10) to get the fish and a few bathroom items -- being alone and wanting to feel loved or accepted. I rarely start conversations with people, I don't often call people up, and I don't often make plans unless I'm certain that I'll be accepted. For the most part, I wait for people to invite me, to include me, to show that they want me to be around. If that doesn't happen, I'll often carry on in my little world doing whatever.

Then some days pop up where all I seem to do is hang out with people, and that's cool. I had lunch with my friend K today, after chatting with him for awhile this morning, too, then I had a quick dinner with Ben. I've bit my tongue for awhile on this, but ... I dunno. *sigh* I hate to list it here, otherwise it'll seem like I'm trying to assign blame and point fingers, and as much as someone may seem like everything rolls off their back, that doesn't mean that comments don't hurt or don't leave a mark. So, I'll just say that it was nice to see him, and here's hoping the coming months present us all with more Ben-seeing opportunities. He did say that he hadn't seen Glorg in forever (although he used the name Gord, not being in on Jen's little habit of renaming her friends).

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too intolerant. Things bug me, and occasionally I've been known to hang on to my annoyance for longer than maybe I ought to. I don't know what an acceptable length of time is, but I guess it does also depend on the perceived 'infraction' of my rules. Meh. I don't know, this is all speculation and it's going nowhere.

I'm also noticing that my isolation is leading to more posting here. :) The last few nights have had me back at home late, so most of my friends have long since hit the sack and disappeared. Then, what with my comments being gone and all, that doesn't help much either -- according to the most recent screen, they won't be back until at least Monday... so it'll be interesting to see what gets said when they reappear. :)

In the meantime, I'm off to bed. Hopefully this morning I won't awake to being a little too close to the edge for comfort. :)


Well, I don't have audio, and I'm not certain why. I woke up this morning almost hanging over one side of my bed -- the side where it slants to the floor. I may have to watch out for that.

I was able to sleep through much of the construction this morning, which leads me to think that they weren't doing the pounding and whatnot right outside my window like yesterday. I hope they haven't turned off the water again, otherwise I'm going to have to have my shower at home. Yesterday after the gym, I decided to come home and shower because I'd forgotten my towel and a new bra, and I figured it would just be easier. I also didn't want to tote my gym clothes everywhere. Anyhow, I got home to discover that they'd turned off the water, so I had a meagre trickle of hot water to try to wash with. *mutter* It worked, but it wasn't fun. :P

Anyhow, feeling great today. I think I didn't stretch myself out properly last time, and it was a new amount of weights to deal with. Yesterday I just repeated the same weights and reps that she set me up with last time, so it was challenging but not too prohibitive.

Man, my life has gotten kinda boring. There's no real strife or agony to post about, no first dates or new relationships for you guys to read about and live through with me. I'm really sorry about that. :P I mean, I could post about missing D and such, but I don't want to sour his university/manwhoring time. It's not exactly easy to run around and be a whore if you're reading about how the last person you dated misses you, right?

Ah well. A, R and I were talking about missing out on the sex and such yesterday. A was complaining that it'd been a month for her. I was joking that we should go to a bar and pick up men just for the monkey-lovin', but R was saying that it wasn't always that easy. Now, according to most of the guys I know, it is that easy for girls, but it's never happened that way for me, that's for sure.

K, one of the guys from work, and I were talking about relationships vs. just plain monkey sex. He was saying that sometimes you need a good fuck, no strings attached, pure animalistic loving. I've never really been able to relax enough to enjoy sex that way; I can't bring myself to really trust the person and tell him how it is that I like things, or confess to things I'd like to try. That's not to say that I haven't had decent sex, it just hasn't been *great* sex. Hell, there've been a few people I've dated that I haven't been able to tell them how to do things differently so I'd enjoy it. It really seems to take me awhile to be able to do that.

I've read studies (and an article yesterday in Cosmo) that say that after a certain period of time of going without sex, women start to desire it less. Admittedly, I've never had a particularly long period of time without sex. That hasn't been planned, it's just been how it's worked out. I did hold off for awhile after J and I broke up, basically 'cause I was healing and I wasn't interested in sex. But I do think that just abstaining for awhile isn't a bad idea. I've spent too much time going from "boy is cute/I'm attracted" to "let's date him" without learning in between if the personality of the guy is appealing to me, or if we'd even be well-suited. Just because I find someone attractive doesn't mean I have to act on it. I'd rather wait and get to know someone a bit better and work from there.

The way things happened with D were pretty funny. I thought he was cute and he seemed nice enough, and I was bored on my end of the cash wrap so I'd annoy the various people in magazines who were around. I'd asked D what he thought about C, who I'd started dating, and he teased me about it and somehow from there we got to talking about things like Buffy and maybe a bit about sex. Ask any of my friends; conversations with me invariably turn to sex, even if I'm not the one to bring up the subject. Apparently it's something I bring out in people. :P

Anyhow, I don't even remember why, maybe we were talking about come-on lines or styles of picking up or something... actually, I think D had insulted me and I was pouting, but he came up and wrapped two arms around me and then one leg and gave me a fake hump. Prior to this he'd made many jokes about me meeting him in the basement for some fooling around. I remember one day discussing brands of condoms, too; again, no idea how the subject came up. Once again, apparently it's just me.

So the whole time, I'd found him cute and all, and I had fun flirting with him (something that a lot of the other cashiers had picked up on), but I didn't figure that it was anything beyond just flirting for him, either. I tend to have a fairly low self-image of myself. I just don't see what it is that other people find that attractive or appealing in me. I see myself as smart, low, semi-educated (but definitely not in politics, history or current affairs), and sometimes able to make certain people laugh. There's a lot of insulting that goes into that, or teasing, but it's a bi-product of my family and my friends growing up. Often when I try to relate seriously to someone, they're not in the same frame of mind, so the insulting begins.

I just find it kinda funny how it is that D and I went from something casual to something more serious. Neither of us expected to, and we certainly hadn't planned it. I hadn't thought he'd be interested in me, being a few years younger than I and such, but there you have it. It was cute when we first started dating; I remember how after our first 'date' -- watching the final episode of Buffy at my place -- he acted kinda awkward and was grinning a lot when we were at work the next day. Then, when we hung out a bit more, he kept bringing out tidbits of his life -- "did I tell you I was in cadets?" -- almost as if he was worried I wasn't thinking of him seriously as a person. I thought it was cute. :)

There was a lot of trouble with the situation about him and E. Early on, E issued an ultimatum... then kinda took it back. Either that or just never brought it up again. Then D began to say that he couldn't handle the double-dating situation. That happened a number of times, and finally it was resolved when E dumped me. Problem solved. :P

And now, I am back amongst the land of the singles, just doing my own thing. Which so far consists of going to work and going to work and setting this place up and hanging out with friends. Also problem-solving; I just managed to figure out why it was I wasn't getting audio. It turns out that my speaker wasn't plugged into the right thing on the back of the computer. Now, I don't want to blame Shawn, but... ;)

Soemtimes I like to think back on how certain relationships or friendships of mine started, and think of how I perceived things at the time. I have to admit, I was intrigued by the pizza guy's nipple ring. The same when I noticed D's tongue ring. I find that when I talk to someone and we have similar interests as me or they make me laugh or there's something about them that piques my interest, then I tend to fixate, or my attraction really develops.

The guys I find myself attracted to are the ones that make me laugh, that I can talk to for long stretches of time, that I trust, and that manage to get my imagination running. It's been a long time since I felt an immediate "I want you" lust for anyone. I haven't had a crush in a long time, that I can remember. It's usually just become a liking, and a wanting to jump after I get to know the person.

There's a girl at work who had crushes on a few of the other employees, and when I listened to her talk about it, I just couldn't relate, really. That made me wonder about how long it had been since I'd been in the same situation. Maybe I tend to just have reciprocal liking going on? Or my liking develops at the same time as that of the guy's? I dunno. My last bunch of relationships have been so unusual in their development that it's really hard to say.

Hrm. Never thought I had this much to say, but I was thinking about love the other day and I guess this has grown out of it.

For now, however, I must get ready to go. I've wasted the morning, so I can't run errands the way I'd hoped, but there are downtown ones I can look after -- like lunch with my old friend K. :)