So, is it too much to hope, in light of the way everything's been the last while, for things to go smoothly? I know I'm being completely selfish (when haven't I been, really), but... I don't want to ruin everything. At the same time, things can't continue as they have been, because I'm acting in ways I don't really like. I don't want to be this person, and I have to change it.

In other, less-vague news, I hung out with Shawnomotron for the first time in about a million years last night. I finally got to hear about some of the stuff that's gone on with him (some I knew, some I didn't), and I learned there's a website where you can get custom condoms made. Something to check out later, when I'm on my home connection (what *must* Rogers think of me!). I also filled him in a bit on what's been happening the last forever, and got his advice, which pretty much was in line with my brain thoughts on the matter.

I also got to see his new apartment and we spent time engaging in our kind of conversation (i.e., the mashing of private parts and the stroking of stomachs), and discussing circumsized vs. uncircumsized penises. Intellectual conversation, indeed! But fun, and except for the stomach ache I had on my walk home (I missed one bus that I didn't feel like running for, and no others passed me the 30-some minutes it took me to get home, which was fine 'cause I wanted the walk anyways), it was a good evening.

In other good news, this week has passed quickly. I like those rare occasions when that happens. Sounds as though I have some fun plans this weekend, too -- going to do some shopping and errand-running with GLR tomorrow (I desperately need jeans, and I have some birthday money I can use), I'm going with Andrea to pick out yarn for her mitts at my mom's store on Saturday, and hopefully I'll get some time for me in there.

I've also come that much closer to finishing my smoker's mitts; they just need ends sewn in and flaps sewn on, and they'll be complete. I'm looking forward to them, I think they'll be cool. It's nice to be able to wear something you made yourself. Maybe I can get Andrea to start swapping me -- she'll sew, I'll knit. :)


This is a big surprise. Really, I'm shocked:

You scored as Bondage. Your turn on is bondage... all out. You don't have a specific part of kinky sex that turns you on more than any other... everything working together turns you on. And why shouldn't it? Sex isn't sex without all the trimmings.









Blind Folds




What's Your Kinky Turn On?
created with QuizFarm.com
I have several posts that are in the works and will appear sometime today, I'm hoping. One is another treatise on friendship -- this one a bit more positive than the last one I wrote up. ;)

In the meantime, I might be starting up a slight career with knitting my friends mittens and other such things. Not sure if it'll go anywhere, but so far I have one request in that appears to be going ahead. It'll be good practice, if nothing else, and will help keep me busy when all of my other projects finally finish up (at last count, that was: cousin's wedding gift, sister's graduation gift, R&N's wedding gift, Greg and Mad's baby gift, and S&N's baby gift... and those are just gifts, never mind the stuff I was doing for me). Everything kind of got put on hold when I had to find the time to pull a paper out of my ass. As is my way, I wrote the majority of it the day before it was due, and managed a B+ on it. Not stellar, but still good. Ish.

So I have a week or two until school starts up again and I have a class and the revising of my thesis proposal to undertake during the fall semester.

Anyhow, back to work, lunch is soon, and hopefully later today my other posts will appear.


And in a rare double-post day, a poem I wrote I don't know when that I just found when I was looking for something else. It fell out of one of my school textbooks, but it was written on the back of a Yahtzee game sheet, so I don't know when the heck I would've written it (and no, it's not great or even based on anything that's happened to me):

When last I gazed upon your form,
I trembled with desire.
Now your handsome brow and mouth
Only raise my ire.

"It's for our own good," you said.
When you asked for your time off.
How was I to know, I ask,
About your new bed boff?

"I saw her underwear," I said,
When I confronted you last week.
You stammered, hemmed and hawed,
Then said, "Turn the other cheek."

"You're leaving me for her," I asked,
Suspecting your reply.
"I've fallen in love with her," you said,
Though you couldn't look me in the eye.

I'm done with pining now, I say,
Because I'm done with you.
I've found another man now, I say,
And he has found me too.
I had a dream last night that I was diagnosed with cancer of the spleen. I don't even know if your spleen can get cancer, but mine did.

I was resisting believing the diagnosis, and we were trying to arrange for all kinds of blood tests and other things, and I was stuck at a job or some school event and my mom was trying to find me and drag me to a doctor... and people were wondering why I was so spazzy and confused; I finally blurted out that I had cancer and started crying, and that seemed to affect no one.

I remember trying to take over a laptop or something from some frat event that was going on; they were using it to broadcast slides as part of a presentation they were doing, and I told them they could hit F5 to view the slides full-screen on their computer and the tech guys running it were shocked that I knew such things.

I think in the end I wound up in surgery, with them planning to remove my spleen and discovering that there was also a tumour on it. I guess it was lucky they were removing it anyways. The tumour was apparently the size of an apple or something.

I think that was close to the end of the dream; at some point this morning Thena decided I'd slept long enough and kept snuggling me and getting her whiskers in my face, which tickles. She also licks my face and does her best to wake me up. Damn affectionate cat. Not that I miss angry, biting Thena, it's true.

The surprise going-away party I threw for Ben last night worked out in the end. I had a great conversation with the girl Stefan's seeing, and she grabbed my butt a few times, so go me. We kept warning people who were moving down to our end of the table that they might learn things they didn't want to, but no one seemed to freaked out by the conversation. Or they were just adept at tuning us out.

I also had a moment of making fun of a friend of mine, using my hands as sock puppets that had people cracking up. Usually when I mock a guy's voice, my voice drops; in this instance, my voice went higher-pitched, which was somewhat appropriate, given the target.

I left around 11:30, and got a phone call just as I was getting off the bus, making fun of me for leaving 'early' -- Moose apparently thinks that showing up some place at quarter to twelve, when the plans were for eight, wasn't late; apparently he runs on the same schedule as someone else we'd spoken about that night.

I also learned that I'm not the only person who feels the way I do, so that was reassuring.

I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I mean, yes, getting paid is very nice and all, but I just feel very incompetent at my job. Even having just a day or two where I feel like I know what I'm doing would be very nice. Maybe it'll improve with the tech stuff I'm going to be doing in addition to my work, but... urgh. I hate feeling incompetent.


Okay, I cracked. I'd promised myself I wouldn't, and I did. It's a slippery slope, but there you have it.

I feel very alone right now. I really wish there was someone here to hold me. It wouldn't necessarily make everything better, but it would be nice to have.

I would explain everything to you if I could, but I don't think you'd accept it anyways. I know you disagree, and I know you felt things could improve, but... I do miss you sometimes, it's true.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day, so it's past time for me to get some rest. I had a good night, but I'm also feeling very confused right now.


As if we needed further proof that my city is a small and incestuous place, two examples:

1. A friend of Greek Literary Reference's (hereafter known as GLR, until I come up with something better) works at the same place that the Smooshy works at. Rumour has it he asked the Smooshy if he knew me, and identified himself as knowing someone I know or something -- didn't get all of the details on that one.

2. Turns out the Newf knows the Spook's roommate; he was in the bar the last time I was there and recognized me. Didn't say anything to me, though, and I didn't see/recognize him.

I was going to write more, but I'm running out of time, and these few words have been a bit of a struggle on their own. I'm out of the habit of writing. *sigh*


Happy 19th birthday to me. :D


I officially can no longer afford to live.

Or at least go out anywhere anymore. Sorry folks, but from now on, I live in my apartment and only go out if there is no chance I will have to spend money.


My first full day as an ambassador of the great republic nation of Canuckistan has gone well. Debates have raged over who of us has the actual accent (I vote not me), and I have explained in great detail the problems of our rogue telephone-pole-drilling penguins who attack peoples' ankles... which is why one must wear proper socks (ask me about it in detail, or wait until I'm not potentially disturbing my friends' sleep to properly explain it).

I've seen a fair bit of architecture, gotten caught in a decent-sized downpour, observed and participated in an improv comedy show, seen a few films quality films (Big Trouble in Little China and the Last Action Hero), eaten lots of food, cursed my body's sense of timing, and had lots of chats. I also looked at some really neat artwork today, and if I was rich, I might've been able to afford a few pieces.

Anyhow, off to bed shortly. More reports from the field later.


I was hanging out with some friends yesterday as part of a birthday party event -- the first of my friends in this circle has now turned 30, so it's going to be a year of big deals for people.

I was chatting with her husband about the observation made back in June about how flirting was something I'd stopped doing for awhile, then started back up again and so on. He said he'd noticed as well that I'd stopped flirting and that it had been a fairly clear message of 'hands-off' that he'd seen. I asked what he meant, and he said that typically I had some kind of project with me, I'd be seated on a couch somewhere and wouldn't be as engaged with the group as before, etc. He said it seemed fairly obvious what the message was.

I realized today that it was a bit of the same message I was sending when I was at home with the Smooshy back then. Now granted, I was in my semi-obsessive phase and was very focused on finishing a number of different projects, but I did the same thing at home; sitting on the couch, working on a project, not really inviting physical contact.

Man, was my libido dead back then. :P Now, when I hang out with friends, I'm generally sitting sprawled near one or more of them, I'll give or get backrubs, hugs or just comforting touches, and I've sat on more than my fair share of laps in the last while. Although I do think my libido was never as high as it is now, it certainly goes to show how things changed for me back then.

Of course, people put it down to the relationship with the Smooshy being serious and exclusive, which I'll grant it was, but I think around the time the projects were out in full force, there wasn't much of a sex drive around -- and apparently that influences my interactions with my friends, too.

It's still weird for me to think that flirting is such a major part of my personality to my friends that it's an observable difference when it's gone. Curious.

Anyhow, another few days and I leave for Indiana, to visit a friend I've had about 20 minutes of conversation with since we made the plans. This is gonna be a weird one. :)
==== THE BASICS =====
Name: Jen
Birthdate: August 23, 1980
Birthplace: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Current Location: Stuck in the ether
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Light brown/dirty blonde (when not dyed)
Height: 5'2
Weight: Over
Piercings: 7
Tattoos: 2
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Yup
Overused Phrase: It changes

==== FAVORITES ====
Food: Indian, Italian, Can-American, perogies, apple pie, bread...
Candy: Chocolate
Number: 3, 7, 9, 42
Color: blue
Animal: cats
Drink: Lately, diet Pepsi
Alcohol Drink: Smirnoff Ice, Mudslide
Bagel: Plain or cheese
Letter: S
Body Part on Opposite sex: Chest, stomach

=== THIS AND THAT ====
Pepsi or Coke: diet Pepsi
McDonalds or BurgerKing: Wendy's
Strawberry or Watermelon: Strawberry
Hot tea or Ice tea: Herbal teas
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate for taste, vanilla for smell
Hot Chocolate or Coffee: Hot Chocolate
Kiss or Hug: Depends on the person
Dog or Cat: Cat
Rap or Punk: Punk
Summer or Winter: Summer
Scary Movies or Funny Movies: Funny
Love or Money: Right now, either

==== MY.... ====
Bedtime: Too late
Best physical feature: Eyes
First Thought Waking Up: Oh no, not again
Goal for this year: Survive it all
Weakness: Procrastinator, untidy
Fears: Spiders, dying alone
Heritage: Martimer
Longest relationship: 3 years

Ever Drank: Yes
Ever Smoked: Yes
Pot: Yes
Ever been Drunk: Yes
Ever been beaten up: No
Ever beaten someone up: No
Ever Shoplifted: Yes
Ever Skinny Dipped: No
Ever Kissed Opposite sex: Yes
Been Dumped Lately: No

==== RANDOMS ====
Number of Regrets in the Past: A few
What country do you want to Visit: France, Italy, Greece, Spain, Australia -- I don't travel much
How do you want to Die: Old and asleep
Been to the Mall Lately: Yes
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes
Get along with your Parents: Yes
Health Freak: Not especially
Do you think your Attractive: On a good day, yes
Believe in Yourself: Sometimes
Want to go to College: Currently in uni for my masters
Shower Daily: Yes
Been in Love: Yes
Do you Sing: Poorly
Want to get Married: Yes
Do you want Children: Probably
Have your future kids names planned out: Some I like
Age you wanna lose your Virginity: I hope some day soon
Hate anyone: Not sure. Hate's a strong word.


Go me:

True Ethical Slut
Whoa! You scored 30 Sluttiness Points and 12 Ethics Points! Interesting...
Doesn’t sex just kick ass? You love it and your friends love it and your playmates love it. Sex is that overflowing bowl of ice cream you just have to share with the world. Because maybe, just maybe, if we can get more happy good sex out into the world, we can make it a happier place for everyone in it. You know how to communicate about what you want and how to listen to your partner’s desires. You even use your turn signals. You’re just an all around good person. You are one of the beautiful people.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Sluttiness
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Ethics
Link: The Ethical Slut Test written by PlayfulKissing on OkCupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
Lately life is conspiring to make me feel jealous, insecure and sad about other matters. I'm not sure I can pinpoint things exactly, unless it's my period, but I'm confused and a bit uncertain.

I have three working days left until my vacation starts, and I fly out of here into the crazy crazy United States (dammit, why didn't I book on a Canadian airline?) to visit a friend of mine. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also feeling a bit odd about it because I haven't spoken to him for any length of time since a bit before I booked the ticket.

Everything feels out of sorts right now, and I just don't know what I should be thinking or doing.


Just because it's dumb and I have no brain meats to write anything intelligent (though I'm trying, oh I'm trying) (and many of these are pretty lame) (and don't stalk me):

1) YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: Sookie Armstrong
(first pet and current street)

2) YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: Hilda Chocolate
(grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side, your favorite candy)

(first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)

(favorite color, favorite animal)

5) YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: Marie Halifax
(middle name, city where you were born)

6) YOUR STAR WARS NAME: Powjecoott
(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 2 letters of mom's maiden name and first 3 letters of the town you grew up in)

7) Terrorist Name: Eiram Yelnoc
(middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)

8) SUPERHERO NAME: The Blue Diet Pepsi
("The", your favorite color, favorite drink)

9) Porn star name: Sookie Sedgemore
(First pet, first street you lived on)


So, is what I'm thinking and feeling genuinely valid in and of itself, or is it just because there are other situations that are different?

*sigh* If only there were ways of melding every quality of every person in my life I like -- friends and non-friends alike -- to make a super-person, that would be awesome. Or awful. People are good with flaws.

It's been a very good socializing weekend. I spent some excellent, though limited, time with Ben the other night, and just came from a hang-out with Andrea, Stefan and Jordan in which much laughing and chatting took place. I really value my friends; I know some fantastic people that I really care about.

I also hung out with P (the Geek), and the Newf, and the Newf has passed along whatever most recent dread disease he suffered from. Yay, me. So I'm going to go to bed to try to sleep as much of it off as I can (I already slept for almost two hours earlier today, but I only got about 5 last night, so that could also be a contributing factor) and then hopefully get some writing done tomorrow before I meet up with everyone for Greg's birthday celebrations -- and some more good hanging out, I hope.

My coworker will kill me if I'm out this week from bronchitis or whatever dread disease I may have contracted. I'm hoping it'll just be a cold, but we'll see. The antibiotics were helping him (even though he didn't know what he had, just that he had antibiotics around that he took), so I may yet get to spend some time in a clinic or at my doctor's office, depending on how I feel in a day or two. *sigh* Just like in the fall, when I had the project due I kept putting off, now I'm sick again. My own damn fault, as usual. :P


I really like smelling like boy. It's a good smell, and it makes me smile.

Of course, it helps if said boy smells good, and especially if he smells good to me. Fortunately, I try to keep the number of bad-smelling boys around me to a minimum. Especially if there is to be hugging or cuddling going on.

Urgh. Much in my head right now, not enough time or brain space to write about it. Back later.


Reasons why I keep things to myself, #435:

When you tell people things, they learn about you. Then they can use this knowledge to their advantage. This can be very bad, and leads to them strutting around and having way too much fun at your expense.

Of course, some people don't see this as a bad thing (i.e., my friend who enjoys having his hair pulled, whose hair I pull on a semi-regular basis), and realistically it probably isn't, but damn if it isn't frustrating anyways.

Note to self: Visit local library to borrow books and pamphlets on how to put myself out there so I'll get some. Thanks for the tip, R. ;)