Lots of thoughts, lots of thoughts. Hrm.

Had a dream last night about this guy friend of D's that I met on my birthday, and then again on another evening, when I was sober. Had a dream last night that we hooked up and did a bit of fooling around and it was feeling really awesome and then there was confusion and upset and I walked away and I woke up and couldn't get back to it. I remember what the confusion and upset was... he saw hickies on my neck and thought I was cheating on a boyfriend or something, and when I asked him what he wanted from me I decided that he just wanted a quick lay or something and we had the argument in a car on the way to work (we were making out in the car), and I got out and all of a sudden he was in a wheelchair and I walked to work and he never followed.

Most of the time, when I dream about someone, they don't look as they do in real life, but I know who they're meant to be. In this case, he did look like himself.

I think I solidified any minor crush I may have had on him based on a dream that I had. Very strangeness. :)

Spoke with Charmaine last night and told her bits of what Vicki and I were saying last Sunday night. I feel like a little matchmaker, and it's all fun and good. But for those that might get the wrong impression, not a matchmaker; just trying to set up two people who could be awesome friends but have too much back history and confusion because of stuff that happened when they first met, but now... well, we'll see. I hope I've helped and not screwed anything up.

She and I were talking about the coworker, she said that J, the (ex-)security guard who hates me has been his roommate for the last bunch of months is apparently getting fed up with him. I laugh. J is finding out how needy and clingy and smothering the coworker can be, and that's just from a friend perspective. According to Charmaine, he tells J that he goes out too much, drinks too much, etc., but when he gets invited out, doesn't go out. I said he was probably sitting around emailing/ICQing his gf, who as near as I can tell lives in Calgary. Since that's where he is now for two weeks (well, one week left), some of us (*cough* me) are hoping he might be a more pleasant person after he's gotten laid. ;)

As I said last night, he wants 150% of someone's time 150% of the time, and frankly, I don't want to give that for anyone, and I don't want them to give that for me. It's good to have outside friends, and it's fun to have shared friends. That was one thing I liked about J above my other past bfs; we'd get together with his friends as a couple, and we'd get together with my friends as a couple, and he seemed to enjoy himself with them. Char and I were saying, when you're with someone, you do the plan-comparison, "So, what are you doing tonight/in the mood to do tonight?" "Well, so-and-so and I were talking about getting together." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I was hoping for just a quiet night anyhow, so I'll do this..." or "Cool, so-and-so's been wanting to go out, I'll see if he/she's busy." That didn't work with the coworker, much as he claimed that he wasn't stopping me from getting together with my friends or whatever. I think in his pointy little head he thinks I was sleeping with all of my male friends. I remember he used to ask me why I didn't hang out with my female friends more often, and partly it's 'cause I don't have many and many of them have their own lives, too. :P I think from now on I'm automatically suspicious of anyone who presses home the fact that he's a nice guy or that he's not stopping me from having outside interests... especially if he whines when I have to do schoolwork or something instead of spending time in his hallowed company. Argh.

I was reading through Philip's site today, kinda neat that he's in Halifax. Hope he's not macking my sister, but what can I do if he is? She's an adult, and hopefully he's not going after 19-year olds. :P

UBFM didn't make it last night, oh darn. We had a pretty small crew, but except for M's gf, we all knew one another from high school, so it was good, comfortable chatting. Saw C, whom I haven't seen since shortly after grad, he's changed a great deal, but his personality seems the same, which is good. It's frustrating when someone makes up their mind in a particular direction and won't change it, even in light of presented facts. Admittedly, me saying such-and-such might not count to them as presented facts, but... argh. He's not a good guy. He's really not.

I was asked the other day, "What's it like being in love?" Scary and good and fun and comforting and heart-warming and devastating. On some level, I think I want that all back. On another level, I'm scared, I'm terrified of getting burned again. I have certain thoughts for the kind of guy I'd like to fall for, but life rarely works out that way.
New content up on Whore's Boudoir. The column got away from me this week, so you'll have to forgive me if it's kinda everywhere. :)

My apologies to anyone that was anticipating a column on Tuesday (or even earlier than 4 a.m. on a Saturday morning). I was spanked rather thoroughly (and not in a fun way) by papers this week for classes, so writing anything else was a luxury that was not mine. Aside from rants and such up here, which I tend write in a stream-of-consciousness style, for the most part. Although now I've gotten in the habit of writing in my little blog book for content to post on here, for those few minutes a day when I'm not in front of a computer. :)

One day I'll stop putting my every little thought online, but for now... well, I seem to have a good readership base, and that makes me happy. :)

This evening Lucas was complaining that my hits are going to surpass unCultured. Considering it's been up longer, that'd be pretty impressive for my little site to surpass it. I think it has something to do with regular content finding its way onto my site, whereas Lucas and I have been the only ones to post on unCultured for the last several weeks, if not months... and the majority of that content's been mine. :P :)

No matter. S'all good. Thank you readers, bring more of your friends! Remember, after 5000 hits some pictures go up... and then my readership base falls completely off the wayside. ;) Unless anyone has any better ideas for what I should post to commemorate?

I decided last night, in the midst of my friends masturbating (I'm going to keep mentioning it, 'cause it still makes me laugh), that I'm going to start writing pornography, too. I'll even take requests; give me names, locations, and events you want to include, and I'll take it from there. The catch? I'm thinking a minor donation to PayPal might be in order, like $2.00 or something. Canadian, even. :) I've just decided that it's too much effort to try to find what I want online in the written porn fields, and I get annoyed with typos, poor grammar, bad dialogue, things like that... so I'll just write my own damn stuff. Hell, maybe I'll just write out things that have happened to me, who's gonna know the difference aside from those who've been there? And since it's my own damn porn, I can change it around all I want! ;)

Anyhow, now it's time for bed. :)
New links on the left-hand side, under my schedule. I've taken off the fall schedule, since it's over now, and included both the entire month of December, and each week at a glance. It's not pretty, but it gets the job done.

If you're too lazy to scroll down, then... tough. ;)

I was doing some writing on my novel today, but not sure I feel totally up to writing it out at the moment. I think I'll just go for some Age of Myth and leave the heavy-duty writing to tomorrow. Feelin' lazy. :)


Big A, you need help. ;)

It's funny; every since I started writing all the time, I think about things I can write a lot. This is nice... although it can suck when I have a great idea, or think I do, and then I lose it when I go to write it down, or feel less inspired. Ah well. :)

I'm worried about my fish; they're on my bookcase directly beneath the window, and there's a huge breeze, even though the window's shut. Very cold. I think I'll move them to next to my computer; there's room on the desk, and this makes it much easier to feed them. And gives me lots of room on top of the bookcase to stack more stuff.

That's all that my room is at the moment; a collection of stacked stuff. Urgh. Gotta clean it before I go to NY, otherwise my mom'll have a huge cow. Huge cow, you don't understand.

I can't believe that Monday is the last day of classes. Wow, has that time flown past. It's funny to think that what, about four months ago? Just about, I was getting back from vacation and getting my ass dumped. Now, well, now things are different. I've gotten to know some people better (like Ben, even though it feels like I've been close to Ben for ages and ages, it's really only been for a couple of months), and Markolopolous, and the second Mark, and ... well, things are pretty good.

I went through a weird mood last night talking to Ben on the phone for a bit. I'd called him at a mutual friend's place to discuss some stuff with him about a funeral coming up (that isn't actually happening), and we went through a few other topics, as Ben and I are wont to do. See, we're taking my friend out tonight to try to ... well, just show him people care, not so much try to cheer him up, and UBFM is going to more than likely be there, as his presence was "specifically requested." So, I was telling Ben that I can likely handle this (or at least that was my mental reasoning) because I like who I am now, and I do. Ben was saying he could tell that lately, and he was glad.

I'm better at accepting myself, I think. My likes, my dislikes... the coworker used to tell me I was difficult and particular and blah blah blah. The thing he failed to realize/mention/acknowledge was that he's the same bloody way! I know some people who are really easy to get along with -- Ben, Markolopolous, Big A, Vicki, among others -- and then there are people that you really have to get to know, and that's fun, too. Hopefully, I'm somewhere in between, although some friends have said I'm part of the first, which is nice. I said it once at the security desk, assuming it would get back to J (the security guard), and I still say it; those people got to know one side of me, and that's just it. They didn't get to know me outside of the work-Jen, or I'm-in-a-bad-relationship-Jen (like when I was dating coworker), so... sucks to their asmar.

I coined a new term while in conversation with Markolopolous last night; a "beer-in-hand" discussion. That works for anything serious or semi-serious: relationships, sex, whatever strikes your fancy. Something that you could see yourself talking about at a bar with a friend, or a pub -- someplace quiet, where you can hear one another easily without shouting. In that case, it was relationships we were talking about. It struck me as funny; he said he didn't know about my past, and when I told him it was an open book, the one question he asked was, "What were your past relationships like, as a whole?" It's not so much funny ha-ha, but funny "hmm." Maybe I have a problem, maybe it's celibacy, I don't know, but usually I think of that question in regards to sexual past. I think I just have a problem. :)

Anytime I'm asked, I flippantly sum up my past as so: generally the blonds treated me like shit and the brunets broke my heart. I guess you could say that by breaking my heart, the brunets also treated me like shit, but I disagree. Just 'cause someone breaks up with you doesn't mean that they treated you like shit, it just means they hurt you, and, "Life is pain, princess. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

I want to write more about relationships and other thoughts, but I'm getting cold and I have to get ready to go to my second-last class. Soon, I will be able to remove my Fall schedule from this website! Yay! :)

Oh yes, the other beer-in-hand conversation I had last night? Discussing size and accomodations and such. That one was a sexual conversation, but an interesting one, as they usually are. :) I think I'll read the Story of O on the bus today. Right after I finish off Where the Girls Are, a book about the representation of women in the mass media through the 40s onwards. It's an excellent book, written with a great sense of humour, I highly recommend it. :)

Anyhow, most people are ass, but I've found some of the best ones and, for some reason or another, they're my friends, and I thank them for it. That's what I'm thankful for, even though my Thanksgiving has long since passed; the fabulous people I know and have befriended, whether it's through school, work, or other friends. You guys rule. :)
The moral of the story:
And sometimes, you just have to laugh.

The result of the story:
From now on, I'm going to just stop in the middle of conversations with my friends and just start masturbating, and tell them that that's why I'm not talking anymore. Or surf for porn while talking to them, telling them if I find anything I like, and being all, "Back in a sec."

Of course, I realize that doesn't sound as ... threatening? as I had hoped it might.

It makes me laugh though, it really does.

The story:
Two different friends faded away tonight to masturbate while in mid-conversation! And the talks weren't even especially sexual in nature; they both just happened to be looking at porn at the same time as talking to me. Two different people!

It makes me laugh -- in a good way, I promise -- it really does. :)

And to those friends... I'm sorry, but I just had to write about it. *grin* Too much to pass up. :)
Okay, a friend of mine sent me this pic earlier this evening, and we were trying to figure out what in the heck the "lavender" object is meant to represent. We (okay, I) can identify some of them as womenly bits and bums and such, but the one with the horizontal slot has us baffled.

My best guesses? A Muppet mouth, or a disk drive. If you have a better idea or funnier suggestion, please fill out the comments section. :)


I think I just came up with a subject for tomorrow's column, based on conversations from yesterday.

Good times. Went to Chapters with Mark and Ben. I was aiming to pick up some odd purchases: from the Women's Studies section I found a book called Cunt (did you know that used to be a term of great respect for women?), from the Erotica section I picked up The Story of O, and then I bought some Christmas cards. *snicker* How's that for weirding people out? ;) I laughed at myself when the purchases were being rung up, too; the cashier was taking awhile because of this gift card I received from Chapters, so it wasn't the easiest of transactions to run. Consequently, because of the time factor and clowning around with Mark and Ben and talking to one of the other cashiers, by the time the girl rang through my purchases I'd been distracted. What this means is that I happened to glance at the readout for the cash register and I saw "Cunt" on the screen, and I thought to myself, "Wow, that's an unfortunate abbreviation for something," before realizing that no, it was in fact the book I had just bought.

Okay, so it was funny to me. ;)

I got my theCounter report today -- 215 visits last week! Readers, I don't know who you are, but I'm deeply in love with each and every one of you. Thank you for coming, and then thank you for returning. It means so much more to me than you might happen to realize.

A gentleman emailed me to thank me for one of my articles on Whore's Boudoir. Very awesome feeling. As well, my theCounter report for WB shows spikes on Tuesdays and Fridays, exactly like I said in my paper; last week I had 14 each on Tuesdays and Fridays, and 2-4 on the other days of the week. Sweet. ;)

I discovered yesterday that I make a nice pillow. Of course, Ben was so exhausted that I think a pool of molten lava might've made a good pillow, but hey. Sitting on the couch, Mark leaning on me from one direction, Ben sitting on the floor, resting his head on me. I was smushed, but comfortably so. It was just like high school, in ways that I was wishing would happen earlier on posts. Being surrounded by friends, being in contact with them, not worrying, "Oh my God, my hand is near his hand I think he's going to think I like him!"... instead realizing that hey, contact with other people feels good and doesn't have to be sexual, but instead can be very comforting. Of course, there are a few other things about yesterday that are reminiscent of high school, but I think they're gone now. ;)

Anyhow, time for me to get moving. Urgh. I stayed up until 5 last night playing Age of Myth, and was absolutely *frozen* when I went to bed. Shadow came up and snuggled under the covers, and I think Digger showed up before I fell asleep, too. I know he was there when I woke up, and he was all howly last night trying to get me to go to bed. He just didn't have any sympathy for my "just let me finish this level!" exhortations. Poor guy. :) Shadow is currently on my lap and making typing as difficult as possible, although she's not draped across both of my arms as is her usual way. The two of them have been having fights at the end of my bed every morning or evening for the last several days in a row. Little brats. :)

Before I forget, looks like I'll be working Friday nights again, which is nice. Of course, I just realized that this means that I'll be working Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights straight. Who needs a social life?! And Fridays will be really long when school starts up again; 8:30-11:30 classes, production work, then on the board until 11. Urgh. Ah well, intelligence is not my forte. Maybe I'll get Saturday afternoons back, although I doubt it. :P Ah well... such is life. And it sucks. ;) But the hours are needed, especially if I'll be moving out. *knocks wood*

Of course, as J- says, all of this is just until I win the lottery. :P :)


Nice. I stole this one out of a friend's sister's .sig file. :)

We'll explain the appeal of curling to you if you explain the appeal of the National Rifle Association to us.
-- Andy Barrie, host of CBC Toronto's Metro Morning radio show, to an American
And just like that, they've already delivered all of my ads. Wow, that was quick. We'll see if the readership increases much, maybe it's an experiment I'll repeat again later. Hey, for $16 a pop? Not too bad. Nice, looks like I got about 70 hits or so from the ads. Definitely worth it. :)

I kept having all kinds of dreams last night and then getting woken up, so I felt like I didn't sleep well. But right now, I think I feel rested. Weirdness.

I still need an article for the Whore's Boudoir. Urgh.

*laugh* Just checked my comments for WB and I have a new fan, I think. Checked out his site here, and it looks like it'll be right up my alley. ;)

Doing my morning scan of blogs (now I have a new one to check out, sweet), and I want to call some people. There's one person I want to call and say, "hey, is there something you want to talk about?" and another person I want to call and say, "I spoke to so-and-so. It's okay. I disagree with what you say about yourself. It's not true." I think if I don't see her at work, I'll email her. I hope I did okay by speaking up on her behalf the other day. Hrm.

Maybe I just won't be able to fix anything. Maybe I'm screwing things up worse. It sucks. It really seriously sucks... but it's nice to be the highlight of someone's day. Just hope no one gets hurt, including me.
My favourite comment about my scary paper (now done!):

"Holy crap it's long. You're making up for not having a penis?"


Of course, that was while still in the midst of a mud-slinging campaign, but fuck that was funny. ;)


From now on, everything I have to write for school gets written to classical music of my choice. Damn have Rossini and Orff been good to me today!
Okay, a few things before I get back to work on the school stuff. Got invited to officially join Blog Sisters, so I am now a member. Whee! Very coolage.

I managed to eat a death sandwich without choking this time, so that is good. Whee!

Okay, enough with the whees! I think I'm simply tired. Or something. Urgh.

What else? LoveInk published another of my articles, which is nice. I sent them the article on vibrators; the webmaster told me he didn't expect that kind of content, and that I was going to get a cult following. Fine by me, just so long as it's a following, eh? :)

In discussion with some classmates today, they've kinda scared me out of one of my classes for next year, and I haven't really heard too many good things about the prof overall, so I think that I'm going to have to drop that course. Which means it's one less class spent in the ass end of campus building, although I still have one there. Damn. Who knows, maybe I'll redo the whole damn schedule, but that other class (Communication and International Development, which doesn't turn my crank), is taught by the same prof that I had for women and media, so maybe it'll be cool. Better check on that Gonq course I wanted, hang on... sweet, it's still on Mondays, so I may damn well take it. Yeah!

Okay, moving on. Bus musings that I was writing on the way home, then it's back to the paper:

My head is abuzz with words, but nothing to say. I don't have the concentration, the attention span to read. I have much to write, but nothing to write, no way to say it. I thirst but nothing appeals.

I need a subject for my column, a keyboard beneath my fingertips for my papers, research for my papers. I carry pens and notebooks -- soon perhaps a voice recorder? -- for the words and thoughts and ideas that float around when I am at work, on the bus, or waiting for a bus.

In moods like this, I am easily annoyed and overwhelmed by the stupidity of others. Things bother me, and anger is my only refuge, until a friend or a funny occurance diffuses the mood.

The problem now? It is cold, and my parents would rather watch television than pick me up. It is cold, and I have a paper due tomorrow I must complete. It is cold and I am wasting time sitting at the bus station, waiting for my damn connection.

Mind you, it's not -20. The cold will get worse. The waiting for the bus will get harder to bear. Other frustrations will arise. Other papers and stresses will make themselves known.

I'm at a loss for today's column topic. My paper is currently, *knock wood*, writing itself. My column is not. I don't even have a particular subject, although now fantasies are sounding appealing. Well, as subject matter, too... ;)

Lately I've been mentally exploring the darker sides of my sexual interests. They're tucked away -- usually -- in a scary/safe realm. But with accepting people and ideas in all of their manifestations comes accepting oneself as you are. That means exploring myself and accepting everything I find there, good and bad.

This is by no means an overnight event. I've been working on self-evaluation -- or as some may call it, over-analyzation -- for quite some time. But the last six months or so, that inner eye has been turned on my sexual side.

I've learned a lot about my sexual side recently, and while I still do not take kindly to being labelled a slut or a whore in most cases, I have been able to release a lot of the paranoias associated with the words and can use them in joking contexts. It's a much easier joke to hear from a female friend than a male friend, for some reason. In addition, it's a term that I've reclaimed for myself -- hence the drunkenwhore URL and the Whore's Boudoir site name.

I've had friends call me a slut in jokes, and that's fine. But a friend of mine once alluded to my having kissed a number of guys, and that bothered me a little. I mean, part of me is able to dismiss it -- sure, I've kissed a fair number of people. But, more often than not, just kissing was as far as it went. As I said in my last article, it's a pursuit I enjoy, and I see nothing wrong with that. Is someone better for having kissed only two people? How about me, am I better for having kissed two dozen? (That's just a number, but if you really want me to sit down and start counting, I can). I don't think either of us is better, although one of us may have more practice at evaluating what she likes in kisses, or how others might like to be kissed. But Every Person Is Different, so I know that what is a fabulous kiss to me is too much or not enough of something to the next person. *shrug*

Back on track, the darker side of my personality. I used to keep it hidden, because I was afraid ... well, I was afraid of a lot of things. I was afraid that others wouldn't understand it, I was afraid that I wouldn't find anyone that could play with me the way I might be interested in playing, things like that. I was never afraid that I was deviant; that question never arose in my mind. What floats my boat and makes me hotter than hell turns someone else off completely, and there's nothing wrong with either of us. It's a healthy way to look at it. Basically, what I needed was someone who could take it seriously and not make me feel awkward about my interests, someone who had a few ideas of their own.

So I've been exploring a bit more online, and doing some side reading of my own. I'm not looking to find a partner online; hell, I don't know if I'm ready for a partner yet. But I'm having fun reading and learning about things, and helping to solidify my interests a bit more. Saying, 'I'm interested in bondage' still leaves a vast arena to be explored, so reading up on the various types of bondage (among other things), is helping me to learn what turns me on and what turns me off.

I'm also well-aware that that which I read and what makes me hot in fantasy isn't necessarily going to work in real life. Fantasy is a fantastic area for your mind to explore; reality is where things can be scary, uncomfortable, or downright painful. I'm willing to try anything once, twice, or all night long (to borrow a phrase that I think the coworker used to use, actually), but only so long as it's understood that if I say "no," the issue will not be pushed until I bring it up again. If I say, "ow" or "this isn't working for me," things will stop and resume only if I say so. The same thing goes for my partner, of course.

I'm also getting to accept my body as it is. Yes, I would love to lose some weight from my middle, hips and thighs, but for the most part, my body isn't that bad. So many times I have to remind myself that when I'm looking at a naked guy, someone I'm about to have wild monkey sex with, my brain is not cataloguing his figure flaws and getting turned off... so why should I assume that the same naked guy is doing the same to me? I've never been told, "I'd like you better if you lost weight." I've never been told, "You'd be sexier if..." I've never been told, "You'd be more attractive if..."

Instead, I've been told, "It's so sexy to see you writhing." "You look so sexy when..." "I'm picturing you like ... and you look so hot." (And that last didn't include any modifications on my body, just the addition of a few key accessories, as it were. ;)

I've never been called fatty or fatso or tub or a whale. Instead, I've been called a hottie (by people I have not and never will be dating), a cutie, a sexy vixen, just plain sexy.. and I've received a number of offers for no-strings attached sex. Okay, so I want someone to see me for more than just my body and want me as a person, but hey, the thought is there, right? Or something.

I've had a few virgins want me to be their first. I've had a few non-virgins want me to be their number whatever. I've been the best for a few people, and I've likely been the worst for at least two. All of these things go into me, and they're the good and the bad, and I can accept them. They're part of my past, present and future. All in all, I don't think it's that bad of a place to be, or a person to be, regardless of what a few people might think or say.

So I'm at a place in my life now where I'm willing to explore and play around a little bit. Whether it's going to work out or not remains to be seen, but y'know what? I'm looking forward to the finding out. :)
Stress is a good motivator! Hyped up on Pepsi (which I hate, but I really crave Coke and I can't afford the time to go to the store and buy the Coke and chocolate I crave)! Wheee! I'm half-way done!

This damn scary paper is writing itself more than any of the others. What the fuck is up with that?!

Anyhow, I only vaguely hate writing now. We'll see.

Can't type anymore, though. That's one thing that all of this writing and online communication has done for me over the last while; greatly improved my typing speed and accuracy. Not that I was a slow typist to begin with, but I think the accuracy has really increased. But I still can't type "okay" most of the time... things are "oaky", instead.

Whee... more writing.
Since I'm supposed to be writing a paper, I am, of course, getting distracted. But I've got over a thousand words down, so this is all good.

Two things I've done: applied to be a member of Blog Sisters, and bought some advertising on Blogger for Whore's Boudoir. The ads won't show up yet, but I'm hoping they will soon.

Yay! Lots of hits, here's hoping. :)
Urgh. Today's column topic: "How to offer sexual favours to get people to write your papers for you."

Errm, wait. That didn't work. Damn.

Okay, so possibly no column, depends on how well I get this paper done. I'll let you know. Argh.

I hate writing. Suckage, suckage, suckage. No writing! No more. :(
One paper done and sent off.

The big scary one remains, and that's getting written tomorrow.

Urgh... my brain hurts.

I think I'll do a semiotic analysis of online journal sites, which is kinda the example the prof gave, but a bit different. Yeah, that works. Maybe throw in some liberal feminism on top of that, since I understood that.

Wow, I almost sound smart there.

*sigh* I hate school. :P That's not true; I hate all these papers I have to write on subjects that suck. I forget the last time I picked a paper because I genuinely wanted to write it. Oh wait, that's this site, and my columns page. :)

Anyhow, early bedtime, I think. Maybe some WCIII as a reward, or Age of Myth. Gotta get up early and get cracking much sooner than I did today. I suck. :P

Did chat with the sis for a bit, that was kinda nice. We get along great when she's far away. :)


Reflecting my thoughts on Christmas, since they're currently playing Christmas music... argh! I'm a few days late in reporting that part, but here you go:

Dear Friends:
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies or me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things
to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. (Or, in this part of the world, October something...)

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart
before everything is gone.

Santa Claus

In other news... kinda impressed with Chapters. This year they sent me a free renewal on my members card, and just now I got a $25 gift card in the mail. So I can go book shopping and likely spend twice as much, since that is my style, and what they're expecting, I'm sure. :)

I think I'm going to stop reading the op-eds and the letters to the editor. I just want to yell at the stupidities of the people. There was a guy writing in to offer some tongue-in-cheek suggestions to the bus people, one of them being some way of finding out if the bus driver is only going to offer 'no's or no responses to their chatting. I want to call this man up and yell at him, 'They're doing their job! Do they come to you and try to engage you in conversation when you're doing your job? Is your job chauffering around hundreds of people a day? How about letting the drivers concentrate on the road so they don't get us in an accident and we don't all die!?' Argh.

The column to the veterinarian annoys me, too. People are always writing in with stupid shit like, 'My dog's been peeing blood for three weeks and crying all the time. What should I do? Will aspirin help?' or 'My veterinarian just diagnosed my cat with a thyroid problem and says she needs to be put on medication for life. What are the side-effects and should I do this?' Again, I want to call up these people and yell at them, 'Take your fucking dog to the vet! Have you ever peed blood?! It hurts! Of course your dog is crying, it has a goddamn UTI! Get it treatment!' or 'Ask your fucking vet! She's the one that diagnosed your cat, ask her!' Argh!

But I tend to get upset about animal stuff, so that's maybe just me. :)

My eyes are still all blurry, and I don't know why.

And here I was, thinking I wouldn't really have to buy many Christmas gifts this year; my aunt and sister are well take care of, and I just have the grandfolks and folks. Instead, I also have the two Marks and assorted friends. I want to buy little gifts for lots of people at work and such, but not too sure what I'm going to do yet.

Had a good chat with Vicki last night. I haven't seen her in awhile 'cause of how our schedules got all screwed around (thank you boss), so last night was a nice catching up time. She called me non-judgemental on her site, yay! :) I think she's going to do okay, it's just a time thing. I hated hearing people say that to me, but it's true and it's totally ass. Totally, totally, ass. Vicki has said she can be immature, and sometimes that's true, but who isn't? Frankly, with all the crap she's been through in her life, I think she can be however the hell she wants. :) We talked a bit about Charmaine, and hopefully I did some good stuff there. I hate to see people dancing around one another 'cause they're not sure where the other stands, so who knows, maybe the three of us can start hanging out? We'll see. :)

Okay, time for shower and getting started on the papers, and/or changing the fish water. The poor guys must think they're back out in the wild. Eesh. I'm a terrible mommy.


Oh yes, and final thought: Yesterday marked 3 months. Wa-hoo. Needless to say, I didn't exactly celebrate. ;)

Nonetheless, I'm doing well. I'm not rushing out to do anything about it, although I've been tempted at times. I've waited until I was ready, both emotionally and physically. The emotional was the part I was really waiting on; the physical wasn't that big of a deal. :)

Life is funny. It's funny how people can change from being near-strangers to being important to you, or vice versa. I know this is a thought that I've expressed many times before, but it just keeps getting reinforced, especially lately, it seems. The ex- and I, once great loves, barely speak anymore. Someone I wasn't sure I liked in real life (and am still on the fence about), talks to me every time I log onto ICQ, and sometimes I chat back to him. Not what you'd call an enemy, exactly, but whatever.

I think the closest I have to an enemy right now would be the UBFM (The Ex-), and it just struck me, I wonder if he thinks he's being "the bigger person" by emailing me on my birthday, even when I don't email him on his (which is two weeks' before mine), or reply to his emails. Hrm.

Feeling introspective/contemplative today. Thinking things over, and not necessarily in a bad way. Not really sure of any conclusions being drawn, I don't think there are any to draw, but it's still tumbling around in my head.

My poor fish. I so need to clean out their tank. That's tomorrow, for sure. Urgh.

Three papers this week. Fuck. I'm going to die this week, I just know it. So fucked. So seriously, seriously, bent over, screwed, fucked, nailed, and money shotted, and all I can do is chain myself to my desk, go to the classes I absolutely can't miss, and hang on tight. Keep writing, keep writing, keep writing.

I'm churning out papers just to get them done, not necessarily worrying about their quality; frankly, it's been rare in my school career that I've written a paper I've gone, "Damn, this is a really good paper." Usually, it's "I hope this is okay" and then I get a good mark back and I'm all pleased and surprised. Other times, it's "This is crap," and then I get a bad mark on it and I'm not surprised. Once in awhile, I've written something I thought was decent and gotten tanked on it, but that doesn't happen too often, thankfully.

One day maybe I'll go back and read my first year papers, see how I've (hopefully) improved in that time. :)

I like the driving rhythm behind "Lose yourself," the Eminem song off 8 Mile. Combined with the lyrics, it really drives home some of the urgency the character seems to be feeling (well, I haven't seen the movie, so I can't say for sure), and it seems to be leading to something. I don't know, I guess I kinda compare it with writing, and it works in my head, I just can't articulate it on the screen right now, partly because my thinking brain is following the lyrics instead of the writing I'm doing right now. :)

Anyhow, it's time to be off to work. I just wanted to put some nonsense up for all of my lovely readers. :) I think after I clock over 5000 hits, I'll post some pictures of myself up. I'm at the point now where I kinda don't care if the coworker or the ex- find this page; what are they going to do now, anyhow? My life is more or less an open book at this point, and it's through openness that I'm hoping to avoid hurting anyone.

The question is... can I really keep my emotions out of this the way I think I can? I'm afraid, especially considering my reaction to comments now and then. Fuck. I hate emotions and their complications.

lesser-known Simpsons character are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

Run down of yesterday:

Chatted with Mark on the phone during my shift until 10. Called up young Mark to see if he wanted to geek out tonight, he was all for it, we arranged to meet at the bus station and bus out to get my (Mom's) car together, then get food, etc. On the bus, Ben calls, asking if I'm busy tonight; I tell him I'm on my way over to his house. S'funny, we laugh. Get to the bus station, still chatting with Ben, sorting things out, arrange to go pick him up from work after we finish all the running around. Mark hasn't arrived yet, call his house, he's not there, no big deal, he shows up a few minutes later. We get on the bus, go get the car, go out to the grocery store for cat food and munchies.

While we're there, I see a guy I knew from elementary school/high school. We say hi, ask what the other's doing; I'm finishing university and working in radio, he's working as a dishpig and up on fraud charges for making credit cards. Nice. He asks who my "husband" is, pointing to Mark, and while Mark is trying to say that he's my friend, this guy starts telling his friend that, "Oops, watch him be like the brother or something. No, the cousin!" which turned into, "Jen's dating her cousin!" He then went and ran into a stockboy, who he promptly told, "those two are cousins and they're dating! He's her cousin and he sticks his weiner in her!" And Mark overheard something about how he plugs me. Guy continued to tell people at the checkout as he paid and left, entertaining the cashier and whatnot. I wasn't especially impressed, mainly 'cause it was just so stupid.

Nonetheless, continued on from there to order and pick up nachos, chatted with the pizza guy's ex-roommate for a bit, he seems to be doing okay. Afterwards, finally got out on the road to pick up Ben. It was about 20 after 1 by the time we connected. Went over to Ben's place, ate some more nachos and Ben ordered pizza, which I ate about a half slice of; my body had finally decided, "Okay, you had nachos, so yeah, you are full. Well done!"

Anyhow, someone put on American Movie, 'cause we were no longer in the mood to geek out. I was feeling kinda tired and the movie didn't absorb me, so I kept closing my eyes, but everytime I opened them, Ben was staring at me, trying to figure out it I was asleep or not, and doing the same to Mark. Needless to say, I'd have fallen asleep much earlier if he hadn't kept doing that. ;) I did drift off, 'cause when I woke up it was 3:30 in the morning and Ben had turned the movie off since both Mark and I had passed out. He went over and was on the computer for a bit, and I settled down more comfortably and Mark started flipping channels. He got up at one point and came back down, and I fell asleep completely and woke up around 5. Went home, back to bed. Digger settled in with me, he was still there when I woke up this morning, so we had a nice pat. :)

Anyhow, major stress on the papers I have due this week, especially as I don't know how the hell I'm going to do the first two. My thoughts on the first one just aren't going to pan out I think, and that sucks serious ass, since it's due tomorrow and that's been with an extension. Argh. Much class and work skippage is going to happen to accomodate all of this damn writing I have to do. :P


Been communicating with the webmaster of LoveInk.com, and he wants me to send him weekly articles!


He said that I'm obviously very talented and should be doing more than just writing for websites. Sweet, eh? :)

And a reply to Jay's comments:

First of all, it's womEn in media. :p

Second of all, in reply to this:

"I guess they teach you in "WomYn in Media" that the best way to effect change and influence people is to completely disregard the arguements of anyone who may have a differing viewpoint. Unbridled rage channeled into dogmatic self-reinforcing misconceptions and reverse discrimination is how you get things done!"

I wasn't saying that it's a case of completely disregarding the arguments of people with a differing viewpoint. What I'm saying is that just like we can't understand what it feels like to go biking with balls, you can't understand the treatment that we get. You don't get treated like you can't figure out how to turn on a computer when you call IT support, and you don't have your boss walk in and start talking to your male coworker for answers to what's going wrong when you're trying to explain it to him. You have a penis! Therefore, there is a whole section of society that automatically treats you better. I'm not saying everyone does it, because that's not true. I'm not saying that it happens every day, because that's not true either. I'm saying it happens, and it's something that you can't see or understand until it starts happening to you because you're a guy.

I'm also saying, please don't tell me it doesn't happen or it's not that bad or I'm making too much of it, because that's not true either. I didn't say I went around super-angry and man-hating all the time because of this. I'm saying every now and then I get really upset by things I see, read, hear, or experience, and that's what this stemmed out of.
A rant.

There is a kind of impotent, directionless rage with which I get struck every now and then, and I never know how to cope.

It's a rage that men cannot ever truly understand or empathize, regardless of how they may try.

I hate playing the gender card, because I don't believe it in; I do not believe that one gender is more aggressive, more nurturing, more sexual or more sensual. I believe both genders begin equally and are socialized to one direction or another.

So that's why I hate saying to my male friends, "You don't understand/you can't understand/you're not treated this way... because you're a man."

I can't say, "Well, you're not discriminated against because you're anything but white," and be told "You can't see it because you are white," I can say the same to my male compatriots.

Perhaps you don't discriminate against women, or you don't see it happen, or you don't feel the burning, helpless rage that women do when they look at an advertisement that features yet another woman being portrayed as a sexualized pre-teen or show silent, or abused, or helpless... but we do, and it makes us angry!

To have our anger laughed at or mocked or dismissed is sometimes the cruelest move of all, because you are merely showing your lack of true sympathy to our plight. You are downplaying the honest feelings we have in regards to these injustices, and losing our respect. Would you tell a black man who was just asked to sit at another counter that the discrimination he had just experienced was all in his head? What about an advertisement showing him chained and gagged, or with his beaten, bloodied body being used to sell shoes, or cosmetics? Is that still okay? No? Then why is it acceptable to show women in this light?

While a few of these images here and there would be easily dismissed or would at least lead to discussion, debate and consequences, the overwhelming presence of these advertisements builds an image or ideology and reinforces it. It's painful to look at and feel when you are targeted.

All of this anger gets built up, and sometimes it takes a conscious effort to set it aside. Many times have my friends and I left classes shaking, emotionally wound up, or drained and utterly spent.

It's through talking and reading and arguing about it that we feel better, or at least sometimes. In debates with my friends, I can never seem to muster the same arguments and points that I can in class, and that leaves me frustrated and upset, particularly when I'm being mocked or talked over and interrupted (huge pet peeves). It's in my Women and Media class, for example, that debate and discussion is encouraged. It is a place where no one is asking you if it's "that time of the month" if you get angry about something, and your ideas or opinions are never, or at least very rarely, summarily dismissed. This applies to the males in the class, as well.

I look forward to a day when a bad mood isn't speculatively blamed on hormones, when the madonna/whore stereotypes are eliminated, and when men and women listen to women's opinions and explanations on everything from finances to technology, not just cooking or needlework.

But, for now, I'll settle with not being told, "Oh, that doesn't happen." Until you're in my thong, bra and shoes for a week or so, "You can't know, 'cause you're a guy."


take the what amusing entity are you? quiz by kimburk

And I'm at #2 on LoveInk.com. Neat! :)
And next article... Sitting in Trees With Boys.

And my rating was at 3! I'm a sexy beast. ;)

I'm off to bed.

Jen and .... sittin' in a tree... K-I-S-S-I-N-G... ;)

Check this out: LoveInk.com.

So, not only is my article like, the featured article (or so I'm gonna call it), I'm also rated # 5 at the moment of the girls on the site.


So, I'm working on my article for tomorrow, I'm all stoked about this extra publicity, and I think this is just the beginning.

I hope.

Fuck. :)

This totally changes the melancholy post I was gonna make today. Damn. ;)

Okay, off to finish up the next article and revel in my fame. ;)


A few important updates (well, not really important, but fun to mention):

I won the bet!


Who da man? Dat's right, I'm da man! And da lady.

(I restrained from putting blink tags around all of that. ;))

Last night was spent celebrating, not for very long though, since it was late, or early, dpending on your point-of-view. That was nice... :)

So today is pretty much a wash as far as school work goes, but I'm still going to give it a shot.

I think Shadow's mad at me on Digger's behalf. I woke up at 11 to go to the bathroom, then I woke up again at 2 to go to the bathroom again, and I could hear Digger howling outside like he was stuck up a tree or in pain or something. He just really wanted in, since he'd been out since likely about 8 or 9. So he came in and wanted all kinds of attention and food and stuff like that, and he's forgiven me, but I think she's still pissed. She hasn't purred at all... and literally as I finished typing that sentence she ran in my room, jumped on my lap and started purring, so I think I'm forgiven all around. :)

I got three of my Ebay purchases, one of them yesterday, two of them (from the same person), today. The two I got today are a Wrinkles moose, and a Wrinkles elephant. I want to give the elephant to my aunt on one level 'cause I'm sure she'd love it, but I also want to keep it for myself 'cause it's too cool. :) I have another moose and small moose that I ordered, I'll probably give those to her, and give this one to my sister, 'cause this one is an exact copy of my aunt's first one, and I don't think she wants twins. :)

So, yeah. I think that's all for now, especially since I have yet to really do anything today. :)


Thoughts from my head:

I much prefer discussing feminist precepts and concepts in my Women and Media class. There is, at least from my perception, an assumption of at least openness to, if not adherence to, feminist principles and precepts. Tonight, in Theories of CMN, there were women who seemed almost hostile to the concepts and ideals. The arrogant person in my head was busy condemning these people, thinking they were wrong. Maybe I was just tired and upset that the prof seemed to be dismissing or simply ignoring me.

I was thinking about hospitals today, and thinking of something Jay said earlier about buried memories, and I was doing this while feeling tired on the bus and the pieces all fell into place and *poof!*, a buried memory -- well, forgotten one -- surfaced:

I remember they day we were packing to leave Toronto from our band trip to MusicFest (yes, I'm a band geek, and no, there are no, "This one time... at band camp" stories :P), and Sara overpacked her bag or something, and when she went to pick it up, she threw out her back. I remember getting Stefan to come help, because he's a lifeguard and one of Sara's best friends and I thought he'd be more useful than me. I remember Keith, one of the band leaders, driving me to the hospital after the ambulance had taken her and seeing her in the curtained-off room. I remember having to explain to our band leader that there were a few things I'd need for Sara and trying to deal with it the best, least embarrassing way I could. I remember trying to help Sara get dressed, and feeling awkward and useless because I was a bit uncomfortable and didn't want to make her feel awkward and she was sick and hurting and I couldn't do anything to help. I wonder how I would have dealt with things now. Better, I sincerely hope.

I remember waiting in the hallway while she had x-rays taken, and she fell asleep from the painkillers they gave her and I fell asleep in the little waiting room while I was waiting and they had to nudge me awake.

We went to Canada's Wonderland afterwards, along with everyone else, and Sara and I just kinda slugged around and ate some junk food. When we boarded the bus for the ride home, some other girls had taken over our seats. When I moved their stuff back into their original seats, one of them came on as I was finishing and got monstrously bitchy at me for "throwing her stuff about."

I sat for awhile with R, watching Bram Stoker's Dracula, the one with Winona Ryder, and I fell asleep and awake briefly to see a scene of Ryder descending a staircase, heading toward a crypt (I believe), and she was wearing a sheer red gown, under which she was clearly naked.

The bus driver of the bus I'm on (well, was as I was originally writing this) just took a wrong turn, and this stupid women has made severeal comments reinforcing that point. She's sitting almost directly behind the driver, and the way she's acting, even now (waiting for him to make a left turn to get back on track), you'd think she had to be home to stop the imminent onset of WWIII. Okay, I exaggerate, but I still think a little patience and understanding can go a long way -- not that I'm especially displaying those same characteristics now.

The part that makes me laugh at her is that one of the comments she made was "you're gonna miss an awful lot of people... heh heh heh"... yet no one has gotten on or off the bus until well pas the point where we got back on track -- not until easily half-way along the route. Stupid cow. :)

Yesterday in Women and Media, we discussed abortion for a few minutes. It's the first time in awhile that that class made me het up; initially, pretty much all of the classes could -- particularly when we were looking at representations of women in advertising and such (shut up Jay ;)) -- but it's been awhile. My gf showed me her hands were shaking, and I felt somewhat jittery myself, although that may have been aided by my 11:30 a.m. 'snack' of a Kit Kat bar and a can of Coke.

I try to avoid abortion discussions, because... well, for all of the reasons you can think of and more. I'm pro-choice, and there is not a single thing anyone could say, do, or show me to change my mind. I respect that not everyone shares the same view, although they generally have the same strong stance on their position. I respect that others feel differently, and I do my damndest to avoid any discussions that might make it seem as if I'm trying to change their mind.

So, that said... one thing my gf said yesterday that struck me as somewhat vaguely hypocritical has stuck in my craw and I have to have it out on here. I know for a fact that when she and her bf started going out, over a year ago, their first time together was bareback, sans any form of protection, and they consequently had a slight pregnancy scare -- in the sense of, "boy, that was stupid, let's make sure you have a period." At that time, she was aware that if pregnant, the step she was going to more than likely take was an abortion. I don't judge that; if that's what she wants, all the more power to her, and I'd go with her if she wanted a friend there. That said, she said yesterday in class that she was "in theory against abortion" and somewhat used religion to explain it, and the contrast between the two just really kinda annoyed me. Like, you'll take a moral stance on things until you're in that situation where you might need to, in which case you'll go ahead and do it for yourself. Argh. If you're going to have a moral stance on something, stick to it. Or at least acknowledge that while on one level you're against it, on another you'd employ it if you needed to or something. I don't know. Just don't say you're against it and then change your morals to suit your needs.

I used to have discussions with the coworker about abortions, and I think he was upset that, had I gotten pregnant while he and I were together, I'd still have considered it as a serious option. I want to bear any children I might have with someone that I think is going to be in my life for a long time, and not just 'cause I fucked up and got pregnant with him. The coworker was not someone I saw myself with for any real length of time (in fact, I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did), and so I really didn't want to be having kids with him. He was trying to say that he was in favour of abortions for people who needed them, but the language he used in any kind of discussion of the topic -- killing the baby was a favourite phrase -- screamed out to me his actual thoughts on the matter. He tried to argue that at 21, I was able to take care of a child, that I had a job and whatnot and so it wouldn't totally upset my life to have one now... and frankly, I think that was a line of horseshit. I'm finishing up a degree, trying to build a life for myself and get myself on track; the last thing I needed at that point, or even at this one, is to find myself pregnant. I think it's fantastic and incredible and amazing that some women are able to raise a baby and get themselves going, but I know that now, I don't have the maturity or the interest to do the same. And frankly, I don't see him as a particularly good father figure; he has too much growing up himself to do. Plenty of people aren't ready at 30 or older to have kids, and I think it takes a real strength of character to be able to acknowledge that and not bring a dependent little person into the world. Other people are ready at 20 or 25 to have kids, and while that totally boggles my mind that they're ready at that point, I respect that and admire it.

Phew. There's a lot here today, including that post that Blogger didn't want to put up right away. I hope no one minds reading all this... mind you, I guess if you give up on it, I'm not exactly going to know. :) I realized when I was writing on the bus that I do an awful lot of editing on the fly when I sit at the computer and type things out; going back to insert phrases I want to use, correcting spelling mistakes, whatever. My little notebook is full of little carots and asterixes for phrases and thoughts I wanted to insert and forgot at the time. It's much easier to do on the computer. :)

I'm also finding that the more I write, the more I want to write and the more I have to say. My journal, my articles, my novel... they're all a great release when compared to my papers that I have to write for school. It's a good change, cathartic, after having to make and support solid points and be all prissy-languaged and whatnot when I'm writing for school. :)

On that note, I'm off to relax my brain for the evening. Tomorrow I'm going to try to get a head start on the Public Relations paper due Monday. *sigh* It'll end soon, I promise (that's a promise to me, not so much you guys). :)
It's funny that it's the little things that people say that can mean the most. I've heard a few of them lately, but it's been the simplest one that's meant the most; two different people have called me a writer.

It always makes me pause and want to argue it when people say it, because I don't consider myself a writer, even though that's really what I do the most of lately (well, that or possibly bitch about how I'm not getting any. ;)). A number of people have asked me if I plan to do anything commercially-oriented with my writing -- submitting it to a school newspaper or something of the sort. It's definitely a thought that has more weight to it than before, I think.

I got back my second women and media paper yesterday, got an 85 on it. Not bad, not as good as the last one (or as good as my gf's), but I wasn't especially concerned about it. I put less opinion and less me into this one, so perhaps that's what stuck me this time around. She read over mine and laughed a number of times, even suggested I post it online for everyone else to enjoy. My concern with doing so is that someone else might co-opt my thoughts/ideas/turns of phrases for use in their own submissions. I suppose I should give some thought to that with my articles or whatnot, but I doubt too many profs are asking for a 700-word treatise on condoms, so I figure that's pretty safe to offer up.

I think guys are improving as I age, even the young ones. Either that or I'm finally being exposed to a better class of people, but there are definitely some quality ones out there, and I'm really glad I know them. I feel they're improving me and I just hope I'm contributing something, however minor, in a positive manner to their lives as well. I hope for really good things for these people. Other people, well... they have to make their own paths. Some of them have had so many opportunities handed to them, it seems unfair for those of us who've had to work for things. :P

The snow is melting today, and the sun is shining brightly, so this is making me happy. The gloomy days can be fun to observe, but I'm learning that I'm not especially fond of driving in the snow. The advantage is that the non-power steering of the car turns much more easily, but I can't drive as fast as I like to, and even at 30 km/h or lower, there are skidding problems. Once that car becomes mine, it's getting snow tires in the winter; none of these all-weather tires bullshit.

Anyhow, I have to start getting ready for the day. After pulling 2500 words out of my assorted body parts for a school paper due today, it seems all of the bottled-up ones are finally able to spill forth. Either that or I'm simply much more adept at casual writing than formal responses to readings. Mind you, that may also have something to do with me not having really read all the material or even totally understanding it. But hey, if I get another B on this paper and the one due next week (argh!) and even manage to do well on the exam... I'm treating myself to a serious weekend of depravities and such. Since my first possible weekend off is immediately after the paper and there are already mad plans semi-in the works, this may work out very well. Heheh. :)

Okay, I'm gone. There will be more later, I'm sure. I'm feeling wordy today. :)


Lord almighty... the bet is down to me and the youngster. Yeesh.

I gotta outlast him... otherwise I just *know* the ribbing I'll get. Argh!

I'm giving him my Victoria's Secret catalogue tomorrow, see if that helps. ;)

I have to win! But I have to lose soon... otherwise I may never get a good night's sleep. Argh.

Tallies as they stand, since some of us started at different times:
Contestant #1: Started Monday, November 11th, removed himself Saturday, November 16th: Total, 6 days.
Contestant #2: Started Monday, November 11th, 'was removed' (*snort*) Sunday, November 17th...: Total, 7 days.
Contestant #3: Started Thursday, November 14th, has yet to be persuaded to lose. Total: 6 days and counting.
Contestant #4: Started Monday, Novembre 11th, has yet to persuade someone else to lose, and is not giving up. Total: 9 days and counting.
Having a sleepy, warm, snoring cat on your lap makes it difficult to get any writing done. At least she's not lying on my arms this time. Urgh. :)

I've got the first 500 words written. Enjoying Violent Femmes on the player; haven't listened to this for awhile.

Wrote some email venting/explaining things, felt better afterwards, even though it won't get opened until later, and I'd kinda like someone around to talk to now. Life is stupid.

Maybe I'll make some phone calls before it gets really late. I can never seem to remember Ben's phone number, no matter how many times I dial it. Weird. :)
The sky is the purpley-orange that it gets in the wintertime when there's going to be a major snowfall. The buildings on my street look crisp and clean against the sky; maybe that's just that my glasses are the right prescription for now.

I'm so tired of the stresses and the frustrations and the confusion that's around.
New article posted on Whore's Boudoir. Today's was a bit more pensive than some of them, but I'm feeling pensive today.

Actually, I think that's just exhausted; I discovered a fair bit of what I'd written at school was crap or nonsense... or both. Urgh.

Gonna check out the bloopers on my Young Frankenstein DVD, which I acquired today along with The Princess Bride, and then I'm off to bed. Apparently H has a great deal to tell me tomorrow, and lord knows I've got a whole crapload of stuff to tell D, whom I haven't seen in about two weeks. It's tempting to skip classes and work tomorrow to work on the damn paper for Theories, but I can't. Well, I can, but I shouldn't. :P Damn morals! :)


I hate Christmas.

Okay, not quite true. I hate the people in the shopping malls who've decided that putting up decorations for Christmas before Hallowe'en, is a good idea. I hate the people who decided that playing Christmas music today was a good idea!


What else? I had the singing bus driver on the way to work yesterday, so that put a big grin on my face, even though the weather was poo and I was nearly late to work. :P

Today has been okay... I fell asleep in class, then tuned back into the conversation in time to hear the prof talking about how branding sells us hope and companies/corporations are selling hope to us as consumers through branding. Keeping in mind, this is the same prof that has sworn multiple times in class -- had in fact, said "fuck" about five minutes before I asked this question -- and used vast amounts of colloquial language, and I know him from work as well as school. So, I hear this and stick up my hand and ask, "How are we supposed to feel/react (I don't remember my exact words) when corporations are selling us hope on the one hand, and are bending us over and screwing us on the other?"

I didn't think it was that offensive, and neither did he, since he promptly responded and we went back and forth on it for a minute or two (badchoice of words when coupled *groan* with... never mind, I give up), but apparently vast numbers of people behind me were simply stunned by my word choice. Sheesh. Puritans. ;) Lord knows I've said worse in that and other classes before, but maybe it was that I went from asleep to awake and asking that that upset them. :)

Nonetheless... Friday was fun, as I said. Saturday I went over to Ben's place after work and we kinda watched Hackers. I say kinda 'cause him and the youngster talked throughout it, so there was much movie that got missed. And I was tired, so I wasn't paying terribly close attention. Ben fell asleep somewhere after the flick, like 2 or so, then the youngster and his friends and I played GTA3: Vice City until about 5 in the morning, when it was time for bed. Okay, seriously past time for bed, but... ah well. Youngster's friend was asking me for a lift home, or hoping to mooch one, but as it was way too late and I was exhausted and the roads were shit and I have less than a great deal of experience driving in those conditions, I said no. He probably thinks poorly of me, since I didn't spell it out very well, but I'm still too tired to be overly concerned.

Woke up around 9, couldn't get back to sleep. Sunday wasn't too painful in spite of the lack of rest, but... urgh. I love seeing Ben's family dynamics; they're just really awesome together, at least the three brothers. I don't know his folks very well, and I've never met his older sister, but the three of them together are fun. Well, if you ignore the farting and the beating each other up and throwing food at one another and showing off the food they're eating and such, but I'm assuming that's part of being male. Which is why I'm only having girl babies. The boys will be sold into slavery.
Yay... I either am just not getting enough sleep, period (which is true), or I've reached that point where I start sleeping poorly and wondering why it's happening.

Didn't expect it to occur so soon, but... ah well. I'm still gonna win. :P :)

I've got my subject for tomorrow's column picked out, just gotta figure out how I'm going to develop it.

Also gotta get my ass in gear and get moving on some things, like paying bills and getting my pills. Hopefully being back on drugs will mean slightly fewer headaches, but somehow I doubt it.

I hate mornings. My alarm went off this morning, and I was all like, "What the hell did I set that for? What day of the week is it? I don't have to get up!" But then I remembered that I did and I was sad.

And I'm all sore and twisty. And whiny! Lots of whiny. :)

Gotta start working on my paper for Wednesday, or at least the reading for it, since I've done, oh, *none* of it. Fuck, I suck. Hugely. Monstrously.

I'm getting together with the crew tonight to catch the Leonid shower. I'm looking forward to it. I have great associations from the last time I saw a meteor shower, although it was hard to see because of clouds and city lights. But it was a beautiful summer evening and there was outdoor sex involved. That's not how tonight is going to go, but I'm still looking forward to it nonetheless. :)

Anyhow, time to get moving. There is much to say, but it's not making it up here for a bit... it's just been an interesting week, and not just in my life. I'm curious as to what's happened for a few people the last day or so.

And with that cryptic comment, I'll go dry my hair and have breakfast. :)


Contestant number one has removed himself from the competition!

There remains me, and two others.

I will win!
And the article, she is up. It's technically not Saturday yet, 'cause I haven't been to bed. On some level, it's still Friday, and it's not late.

No, really. ;)

The account of the bet: Mastering My Domain. ;)
Ben is evil, and bad for my sanity.

Ben is like my girlfriend D; they are both trying to convince me to do things that are bad.


I'm still gonna win, though. ;)

In other news, saw Harry Potter 2 today. I have my thoughts on the film, but I'll hang onto them for a bit, until a few more people have seen it and I can debate.

Bought six books today. Urgh. Today was an expensive day, but a fun one. Definitely had a blast hanging out with Ben. :) A line from tonight: "You must be of this size for Jen to ride." ;)

Gonna go write my article now... it's the first one to be late, but it's Ben's fault. ;) He called me when I was on the bus home and asked if I wanted to do dinner, which turned into a movie, which turned into me getting home just now. I think the Nickel's was a bad idea... or maybe it was just the company of the drunks on the bus ride home.

Also working on a checklist of things to do/places to do it in after this whole bet thing ends. Ben and I brainstormed some good locations between us... now if only the weather would cooperate. ;)

Okay, off to write an article. As always, a note will appear here when it's done. :)


Damn hormones.

Damn men.

Damnit, I'm still gonna win.


And now, right on schedule, a freak out about my paper:

This thing sucks. It's no good, it's just crappy paragraphs strung together to meet a requirement, and I'm going to be so not satisfied with it. But it'll get done... I hope. Argh. Stop being distracted!

I suck, I'm not smart, I'm tired and stressed and I still have a few billion of these damn things to churn out. Argh!

Thank you, that has been a freak out about my paper. We now return you to your regularly scheduled whining about how I'm not getting laid or whatever.
I have a secret.

It's all mine, and I hug it closely to my chest.

I've only willingly shared it with two people. I've been asked about it by two other people, and I told them the truth.

I don't know why I don't share it more often.

That's not true, I do know why. I no longer worry so much about how my friends would react towards me, should they find out; but I do worry how they'd react overrall.

I can think of a few friends that might go after someone with torches and a pitchfork... even though I haven't had anything to do with this person in years.

Part of me wants to just lay it out here, and deal with the consequences that way. The other part of me is just too damn chickenshit. If I open myself up like that, I have nothing left that's private, that's just mine.

I don't regret being the way I am; it's my choice, I know. But this also means that there are little secrets I can give to other people that they can hold on to for me.

Anyhow... I envy some people how open they can be about the crap that's gone on in their lives. I tend to put it behind me as best I can, although I never forget it. Stupid things I've said, stupid things I've done, people I've hurt... I remember it all. Dammit.
And, rather than write essays, I worked on my novel. Chapters 3 and 4 are now up on the My Novel page, for those who might be interested.
Jay and I took this quiz on TLC.com.

You Scored: 120 out of 200 (both of us, actually)
Now rate yourself on our "prude" scale:

170-200 points
You're the Pope ... or in total denial about your sexuality.

135-165 points
You're constantly battling the demons within to control your lustful nature.

100-130 points
Face the facts, you're a sex maniac.


I want to write, but I don't know what to say. I don't know if I have anything of value to say.

I appreciate the fact that people read this site... I just don't necessarily know why. I mean, half of my friends don't seem to, but yet, strangers do. Why?

I've been told I'm a good writer, and I appreciate that. My mom told me, back when I was picking my major, three and a half years ago, that she always saw me doing something with my writing.

Well, the last little while has shown me that I can write on a regular basis, and I can even keep up something on a regular schedule. I'm proud of that. I'm just uncertain about it actually being worth anything to anyone other than a select few.

I want to get through the next few hurdles and just be onwards and upwards. There will be a lot of interesting developments over the next little while, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with them; hell, I'm not even sure how to think of them.

I need to get past this procrastination thing. Stop spending time on the phone, stop screwing around on Trillian, stop focusing on things other than school. It's just... school isn't always fascinating. It's funny; when you're in elementary school and high school, being bored with your classes sometimes acts to show that you're gifted. In my experience, it also shows that you're taking a boring course. Case in point? Theories of Communications. So not riveting, and yet, I have to take it. Frig. That's one thing I like about writing; the only restrictions that I have are the ones I've put on myself. Here, well... restrictions are popping up now. So much that I've learned over the last while can't go anywhere, and it means a lot to me that people are willing to entrust me with that knowledge, especially considering my openness in all/most regards. On Whore's Boudoir, the only restrictions are the ones I've put on myself: that my columns average between 700 and 750 words, that they be about something related to relationships and/or sex, and that they appear on Tuesdays and Fridays. But that's all fluid, and those are just rules I put on myself.

I think I'm going to scrap what I have of My Novel and start over. I haven't anything close to a plot or outline; I'll just take it how I want. Maybe I'll just turn it into a porn novel, have my characters have tonnes of hot sex and nothing else. :)

I'm so frustrated with everything right now.
Today marks one year since I last saw Chloe.
Bit of a weird dream last night... seemed that an ex-boyfriend was trying to convince me to make another go of a relationship together. It wasn't totally spelled out that way, but it seemed that way. Dreams for me are never prophetic, though, so I'm not really giving it any thought.

Urgh. I'm so tired of me being me. I'm a total procrastinator, and I can't seem to change it. I stayed up late last night talking to the -ens, but one of them needed an ear to bend, and I try to always be there whenever someone needs that.

Spent a couple of hours on the phone last night, which also meant that I wasn't writing, but I have tonight and all day Thursday... got some reading done, so I feel somewhat mollified.

The ex- got somewhat sulky at me last Sunday for not saying happy birthday to him on his birthday. I have it written on a calendar, and I remembered it as it was coming up, but in total honesty, I forgot it completely on the date. Am I wrong, here? I mean, we don't talk very often, and I haven't seen him in months... I guess I'd call us friends because how else would you define it, but how upset does he have a right to get? Urgh. Guys suck. :P

Mind you, other people's exes take them out to dinner for their birthday, so maybe it's me that sucks. Naw.... ;)

And on the subject of birthdays... Happy Birthday J. :)

My head's in a bunch of weird places. I think I need that lobotomy.
Okay, to clarify:

The poll I'm asking everyone to take is, "Should I go up against my chosen victim in a "Master of your domain" bet?"

Master of your domain: A Seinfeld reference for going without masturbating for a period of time.

So far, I have one other contender in this bet... of course, he's cheated 'cause he's recently gotten some. ;)

Anyhow, once the terms of the bet are finalized, I will reveal the participants (if they so allow), and keep a little poll going so you can vote on your favourite contender. Since this is my site, I expect to see lots of votes for me. ;)

So, updates soon. :)


And a new article goes up, Ex Relations. This one is more in the relationship vein; I figure what with the number of sex articles I've been posting, I should balance it off with one from the other side of the coin. :) I'm also debating changing the name of the site to "The Drunken Whore," but I'm not sure. I wish I knew enough HTML to make it the way I want, but I'm also terrible at graphic design, so... I guess it's best to either go with what Blogger gives me, or wait for someone to design something for me. :)

Next few days might not see much in the way of content here, unless it's of the "holy fuck do I have a lot to write" variety. :) Here's the next few papers:

November 14th, 7-8 page paper for Greek Mythology. Have I picked a subject? No.
November 20th, 2500-word reading log for Theories of Communications. Have I started the readings? No.
November 20th, 2000-word essay for Public Relations. Got an extension on the date. Picked a subject, too!
November 26th, poster session for Audience Research. 'Cause this is fucking important, too. Arse.
November 27th, 3500-word essay for Theories of Communications. Urgh.
November 29th, 5-page synthesis paper for the final section of Women and Media. Didn't I just finish one of these? Yeah. Arse.

And that's just off the top of my head; I may have the dates wrong. And that doesn't include the crap I have to turn in in December, too. Arse.

I think that's my new favourite word for this stuff: arse, arse, arse, arse, arse.

And of course, that doesn't include the online stuff (haven't started, waiting for a good weekend), and the regular articles and such I'm trying to churn out. Arse. The problem is, I feel like the first condoms article was the best one I've written so far, and I keep trying to top it, or at least match it. Urgh. Ah well. Keep reading, and thanks for doing so. :)

*grin* Oh yes, and if my challenger can come up with a suitable offer for the likely event (yes, I said likely event) of me winning a bet we're tossing around, then that aspect of life might get very interesting, or very twitchy. I finally found someone dumb^H^H^H^Hbrave enough to take me on in a Master of Your Domain bet. ;) Details to follow, if he doesn't kill me for posting this. ;)

On that subject, take a poll in the comments section! Should I, or shouldn't I? ;)

Votes should be: Yes, No, or "Hell yes, I'll join you!" :)
Ah, life is funny. Someone else at work has sorta renewed his clandestine sex offer (and this is someone other than L); only problem is that this guy "has a girl." So, he just said it was "interesting" that I was between guys at the moment.

Sheesh. When it rains, it pours. Too bad it's not the clouds I want that are raining. Or something like that. ;)

Good chats with J from work, my coworker. I always enjoy talking to him; he's one of the few adults (i.e., people that are >10 years older than me) that I can talk to the same way I talk to my friends, and I really appreciate it.

Chatted with Vicki last night for a bit, and let her know that there was someone there for her if she needed it. I know I'm not in the same group of her friends that went to high school and knows all the details, but there are aspects of what I read that parallel my life (especially as it relates to Scott or some of what happened with her Allan), so I just hope if she does need someone to talk to, she feels comfortable talking to me. I'm good at keeping things to myself, especially lately. :P :) And I've also agreed to kick Scott on her behalf, so it's all good. Boys are stupid. :P

I'm getting over my soreness from the skating, feeling a lot better than before. I no longer walk around work like I got fucked hard and long. ;) Dammit. ;)

Last night, I could barely keep my eyes open after dinner. I think eating a real meal for a change just screwed up my system, but I went to bed around quarter to ten, and set my alarm for the same time in the morning. I woke up somewhat when my dad was in the shower, and felt Digger snuggled up against me, then didn't get up again until my alarm went off. The kitties were all whiny at me this morning, especially Digger, so I kept picking him up for a quick squeeze and kiss. He doesn't like to be held, but he'll tolerate it for brief periods of time. :)


In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Sorry, lack of concentration this afternoon meant no post. :) Or at least, an incomplete one.

So, trying again. Wore the restraints again today to work, trying to soften them up somewhat. It's funny keeping them hidden under my sleeves, especially since they're somewhat bulky so they don't hide completely.

Explanation for one of the earlier comments: It's not always the sex that makes a relationship hard to get over. Sure, the coworker could get me off, but he was an ass... so he was easy to get over. The ex- couldn't get me off, and it took me forever to get over him. So, it's the person and the relationship, as much as anything else.

I could get involved with another coworker, if I were so inclined. He and I kissed before J and I started dating, and it's funny how things work out. J and I went out on Friday night, then Saturday I went to work. He was having a LAN party and BBQ at his place, and he invited me to stop by and hang out. He came and picked me up from work, and I hung out there until really quite late. It was that night that we kissed for the first time... and for awhile. ;) I say it's funny how things work out 'cause while I was at work, this guy from work (L) and I had been making plans to get together that evening and watch a flick at his place. He wasn't going straight home (and he finished work about 20 minutes before me), so I decided I'd hang out at J's BBQ for an hour or so before I went over to L's. After about two hours or so, I called L and told him I was going to stay at this LAN party.

Here we are, full circle. L and I kissed again on Saturday, while he was finishing work and I was starting. Funny little world. :P

Saturday was fun. It was the November people's birthday celebration, and we went ice skating at a local rink. I skated for about two hours straight, and had a lot of fun doing it; I like skating, and it's been years since I went. After awhile, I was going around tagging people, and at one point one of the guys came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, and he skated, I stumbled along for a feet like that. At another point, he came up behind me and did I don't know, but fwhoomp! Down I went. I laughed though; I basically slid down and onto the ice a few feet, didn't hit anything, didn't get bruised at all. It was funny. :)

As the time wore on, my legs started getting wobbly from the exertion and the fact that I had barely eaten all day, and the ice was starting to get pretty chewed up from all the skating around, so my skates were sticking in places and my legs weren't totally responding. I wanted to skate funky around these pylons that they had on the ice to cover the holes from where the nets go in, and my legs said, "Nope!" So, down I went for the second time. Fwhoomp! That time, however, I did land on my poor, immortal ass (don't ask), and it's a touch tender.

After the skating, we went over to Greg/Mark's place, and I was sitting on the black leather make-out couch with a couple of the guys of the group. I got a bit of a cuddle, then I got a really nice backrub in order to make up for some horrid treatment I'd gotten. ;) Namely, I'd asked N about his trick belt, and he showed me how it could be used in bondage play -- initially by binding both of my wrists to my right leg. Then K and N started trying to tickle me and poke at me. :( So after I kicked them a few times and started working the belt off by myself (I wasn't totally successful), I got a backrub as a way of saying 'sorry.' As many of my friends know, I am a total massage *whore*. You can basically get me to do anything you want by offering a backrub, so long as it's a good one. This one was a good one. :) While I was folded over to offer up my entire back, N started rubbing my scalp lightly. *drool* I had nice time. ;)

I had N turn around so I could return the favour, and he made neat little purring noises while I rubbed his head and ears. That was fun. :) After about an hour and a half of this big love fest, I had to go to work. When I got there, I got asked by a few people if I was drunk, 'cause of how mellow and relaxed I was. :) Also because of how mellow and relaxed I was, and not having seen L for awhile, I was being a bit touchy-feely with him. Afterwards, he followed me into the studio in which I was working, asked me if I was with my boyfriend still, then after I said that we'd been broken up for over two and a half months, he asked me again when we were going to have sex (which he used to ask) and told me I was a fantasy of his, 'cause we'd kissed and he'd wondered "what it would be like." I rubbed his shoulders for a few minutes, while he told me he'd quit smoking. He rubbed my shoulders for a few minutes, then asked for a kiss. We kissed a few times, then he left.

Life is weird. After my shift, I went back to Greg's place and chatted with the people that were still there until about 3:30 or so in the morning. The talk ranged all over, a few more people now know more about me than they probably wanted to ;), but it was good conversation, and I think/hope everyone else enjoyed it. :) I may not excel in matters of current events or electricity (which lead to jokes about me licking strange objects and I don't even really remember how that came about), but when it comes to conversations about sexual matters, or my body, or relationships... I won't shut up. :) *grin* And this evening I've been "accused" of being responsible for a real turn of events in the group; apparently I'm responsible for a slate of non-conservatism, including possibly some distinctly observable changes in some people (*grin* Like K's teasing me last night about the "interesting places my tongue had been" or pushing up my sleeves to show off my cuffs to the room at large -- although S and N already knew I was wearing them -- and then holding my arms above my head), and that a lot of the interpersonal interactions lately had included me.

Which reminds me... Saturday I wasn't able to get the car to transport myself out to the arena where we were skating, so I posted to the list asking if someone could give me a life. S and N emailed the list to offer me a lift, and shortly afterwards J emailed me. Then the next day K called me and Greg called, everyone making sure I had a way to get about. When it came time to leave that morning, N was debating a bit with K over who made more sense to drive me home, seeing as how it was slightly less out of their way than his. Anyhow... J told me when we were going out that everyone liked me, and I've been told of a few people in the group that like or want to get to know me better or whatever. I joke a bit about it in the group, 'cause it's really hard to come out and say (which is why I'm doing it here, where I know a few people for sure will read it), but basically it means a lot when things like that happen -- people going out of their way to pick me up, or call to check that I have a lift. As I've said before on here, I do get really paranoid about the way I am in group interactions: "Do I talk too much? Am I making a joke that's offensive to someone? Am I hurting someone's feelings? Am I being insensitive? Is everyone wishing I'd just shut up?" and I worry about all that crap. Having the coworker and that security guard say that I was self-absorbed really cut deep, and really affected me, even now. Acceptance is really important to me, and I really appreciate and like the fact that I have it. *big hugs to everyone who reads this, as well as everyone else in the group* :)

Today, I am feeling the effects of all the skating exertion. Ergh. I slept in very late (since it was a huge sleep debt I'd built up), then farted around on the computer. I got a mic set up, though, so I can chat to people in real time through Yahoo Messenger and various other programs that utilize mic abilities. Played around with that a bit with S and N, and their webcam, and Mark, who is racing out tomorrow to buy himself a webcam and mic, so that he doesn't have to be the only one typing while the rest of us are talking. :)

Then I went to work and now I'm up just stupidly too late. Urgh. I have to go to bed soon, I just started writing this and then I wound up in conversations. Good conversations, I like talking to people... it's just really late now, and I have to be up in four hours.

So, I'm going to say my goodnights and try to get some really good, deep sleep. :)


I like getting mentions on other people's sites. :) Especially when someone's saying they like me, when I wasn't sure if maybe I was freaking her out or making her uncomfortable with what I was saying, but I guess not. :) It was neat having someone else say, "It's the ones that can make you come that are harder to get over." Especially when, for awhile, it seemed as if all of my female friends were able to come at the drop of a hat, and I couldn't.

Got my restraints yesterday, that was cool. I wore them the whole time I was at work, under my sweater, just to get a feel for them, try to help break them in. They were actually quite comfortable once I got used to the weight of them on my wrists. Mind you, I wasn't playing with them a lot, so I imagine they'll chafe at first, but for now they're cool.

What else? Urgh. I'll finish this later. :)



Nothing in moderation, that's the motto of my life. When life sucks, it really sucks, and when it's interesting, it's really interesting. Sheesh.

However, I'm almost ready to start climbing walls. If I make it through the week, then I should be able to survive. Focus on the papers!


There we go, enjoy the new article: In other words....

I'm off to bed, since no one's around. ;)
Funny saying from tonight (which I probably won't get exactly right, but I'll take a stab at it):

"Sure, it's just a cute little Lego train now that you feed hamburger to make it run, but that's just two steps away from a killing machine!"

Anyhow, finishing up the first essay that I mentioned (the shortest one, five pages double-spaced). However, it's going to be more than five pages, but not as long as the first one, so that's okay. Then I'll type the article I wrote for tomorrow and go to bed. Driving home tonight was a 'choose your own adventure' when it came to lanes... it took me an hour to drive what would normally have been maybe a 30-minute trip at worst. Urgh.

And the highway was stupid congested on my way to class today, so that was also annoying.

Back to writing.


Oh yeah... and all of that is the stuff due in the next two-three weeks. And Word keeps crashing on me.
*grumble* And this is the shortest, easiest of all the papers. Frig.

Then there's:

2500 words for reading log (theories of communications)
2500 words for public relations (I think that's the amount)
2500 words or so for greek mythology
3000 words for theories of communications
Another five pages for women and media
Plus regular articles for Whore's Boudoir
Plus occasional content for here
Plus another 48423 words for My Novel
Plus all the writing assignments for my Algonquin course I haven't even touched (and I don't want to have wasted that money)

Argh! No more writing. :P