Now who could fail to love a face like that?



Urgh. Sometimes I just wish I could open my head and cut out the parts that fixate too much on the wrong things.

However, I got what I was thinking off my chest at least. Though I sometimes wonder if the impression is that I'm sharing in an attempt to inspire guilt, which isn't at all the case -- rather, to explain how I'm seeing the world, explain upset/frustration I may be experiencing, and/or bring things out in the open to be addressed.

If I never tell someone, "It hurts when you do X," how can I be upset if they continue doing X? Of course, it's frustrating as hell when you tell someone, "It hurts when you do X" and they carry right on doing that. That's either forgetfulness, disrespect and disregard for your emotions, or sheer asshattery.

Not to say that's the case now; simply looking back on my past with other articulations of "I feel" statements to people. Yes, it's a good communication tool, yes, it places the ownership of the thoughts/feelings on yourself, but when you're communicating with someone who disregards that or doesn't communication "properly"... holy hell. Prime example of that was the coworker -- if I did something he didn't like, it was my fault/problem and I had to change it. If he did something I didn't like, it was my problem and I just had to accept him for who he was.

Fortunately, such is not the case for the DB. We can recognize and attempt to address problems -- it's just difficult not to fall back into the same behaviour patterns sometimes, for both of us. Such are the joys of long-term relationships, but at the same time I imagine this is where the work part comes in.


*sigh* Plus ça change...

I love being back here. I thought I'd gotten past this, but clearly not.

How can you have the same conversation, when it goes absolutely nowhere every time? I know I hold some responsibility, but... I just don't know.

I just don't know what else -- or how else -- to change.


So it seems as though work is occasionally trying to up and kick my ass. I spent all weekend with my blackberry close by my side, which made for lots of fun. The DB and I were planning to go see a movie Friday night, and ended up staying in as I couldn't promise I would be free to enjoy things. Instead, we went on Saturday, and got to enjoy the teenage audience that comes with the 7:00 p.m. show. Complete with talking through the film, answering cell phones, and just generally filling me with rage. So, yay.

But on Saturday I also got to run a bunch of errands, like returning the broken floor lamp we'd bought the previous week at Canadian Tire. The housewares kid couldn't find it, even with 10 minutes of looking, so they refunded me the purchase on my MasterCard. I walked to the section, found the 4 lamps exactly where we'd found them the week before, and took it to the cash.

I also finally indulged myself on Saturday with a massage, buying some jeans (since I'm down to one pair that actually still fit over my fat lower half), some new work tops, and some betta fish. The DB keeps trying to convince me to put them together -- apparently they're lonely. I haven't yet chosen names for them.

Sorry, I'm boring today. I was just telling a coworker one of my habits with regards to the cats -- every morning when I leave for work, I tell them I'm going to work, and I should be home right afterwards; if I'm going to be doing something after work, I tell them and say that the DB should be home (again, if that's the case). I tell them I love them, to be good girls and to be nice to each other. Call it a superstition of sorts.

Last night, the DB and I went to the gym, and when we got back, I could see who I thought was Venus in the window, then by the time I got up to the door, Thena was in the window and talking to me, seemingly upset. I unlocked the door to open it, and Venus was on the ledge by the door, and Thena was on the ground -- and they both seemed somewhat frantic, though Thena especially. I'm almost certain I told them we were going to the gym, but I think maybe I didn't, and they were worried. We comforted them, and they calmed down eventually.

Although Thena did wake me up in the middle of the night last night by licking my face, so maybe she was still worried.


I'm enjoying the fact that my appetite appears to have lessened, but I can't help but think I'm testing my luck somehow. Usually around now my stomach hates me and starts actively trying to kill me. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm ready and waiting for it.

I haven't had supper yet, and Wednesday is often pizza night for me. I could get adventurous and go to Boston Pizza for dinner... haven't had that since the DB's parents came to visit, so it's been a solid few months. Suddenly this idea is sounding better, though I think I'm going to have to find real pants to make this happen. Damnit.

I work from 7:30-3:30. Today I stayed until around 4, since my carpool lady was leaving a bit later. I get home, and from 5-6:30 or so, I get a flood of emails flying back and forth on the blackberry with lists of things to do tomorrow morning. *sigh* I was really enjoying having a quieter time after last week's neverending hell week. Yes, it was so bad it got emphasized.

The DB and I had our perpetual semi not argument/debate/discussion over who's more tired/who's been working the longest without a break last night as we were trying to get to sleep. I had to remind him that I was the one that woke him up Saturday morning, since he'd asked to be woken by noon -- so I kept waking up and dozing off all morning, keeping one eye on the time. I don't know what he has against alarm clocks, but he tried to blame me Friday night for not having woken him at 8 like he asked me to -- instead he just pointed out that I was asleep as well. I know for a fact he didn't ask me to wake him, he just said he was going to sleep for a bit.

I also pointed out that he was going to have a break in February for that stupid family day, whereas if not for the trip I've booked in March to see my grandmother, my next day off is/would be Easter. Which is April 10th and 13th this year.

And you know what? Somehow I imagine I'm going to be working through it.

I'm just feeling burnt out. I worked through Christmas, so I don't even have that to fall back on. At my previous job, I'd take a day now and again as a mental health day, but here and now I don't feel justified in doing that. There's always someone who's working harder and/or longer that's toughing it out, and not that I don't think my manager is awesome, but sometimes I feel as if I'm being made to feel guilty about asking for time off, like there isn't someone there more deserving, and why aren't I working harder, longer, more hours than everyone else?

I mentioned it to a friend of mine at work and she said she felt the same way, so there's that at least. And not that I'm at all calling it a vacation, but my boss was off for a decent period of time as combination stress/looking after her husband leave, so she at the very least had a break from work.

I don't know, I'm just whining. I like my job, I like my coworkers, I'm just having a hard time lately with the hours. The first while, I was at least going to bed at a semi-reasonable hour. Now, not so much -- I either end up staying up and going to bed shortly before the DB, or I can't sleep anyhow, because he's watching television in the living room and it travels right up the stairs. I end up wearing ear plugs to sleep, which helps a little bit, but I'm still tired because I've been up that much longer.

And the best part of all of it, the part that makes me so frustrated sometimes? He talks about how tired he is, and half the time he'll come home and pass out on the after work until I wake him for supper.

*sigh* I love looking forward to the next stages, when he'll have his own store, and there could be children running around... It'll probably get to the point where I have to check out my facebook page to remember what he looks like.


Just to be clear, since it seems to be causing trouble for people -- I have not gone off the pill in an attempt to get pregnant. I have no interest in having a child at the moment, as I have a great deal of things I would like to accomplish first (the hardcore porn career being only one of these things).

For those who aren't clear on the concept, the birth control pill is a hormonal means of impeding pregnancy. Introducing extra hormones into a stable system can mess with said stable system; see: pregnancy as an extreme example. See: bodybuilders who take steroids. Therefore, introducing a combination of estrogen and progesterone into a stable hormonal system can and often does have side effects.

With yours truly, said side effects include but are not limited to migraines, emotional imbalances, and possibly weight gain. In an effort to reduce the drugs I have to take to cope with my special brand of migraines (non-aura migraines that mean only vast overdoses of over-the-counter drugs have even a remote hope of working), and to avoid having to buy additional medication to address the problem brought on by the aforementioned drugs, I opted to discontinue the pill.

I also lost one of the packs in our move, and didn't feel up to buying another months' worth, especially if I'm not positive they'll allow it.

Finally, I have had pill-free sex in the past with no negative repercussions (i.e., pregnancy), as I was quite careful in my condom use. The only reason I had gone back on the pill over the last few years was because my doctor got freaked out at the idea of a condom-using sexually-active chick such as myself being loose in the world, and we opted to try another method to see if it would help.

Now, I can't be certain that my weight gain is tied to the pill use, but it can certainly be a factor, especially given that I switched to a generic some time ago, and my weight gain appears to have been concentrated over the last year. The conspiracy theories, they abound!

So there's that little rant. Do I seriously seem that baby-crazy to some people or something? I mean hell, I would assume most of my friends would imagine I'd never have babies, the way I do go on about them.

Granted, the worst thing I've said about children applied to a family member of mine, so most of my friends have probably been spared my most strident anti-children comments.

I do also try to keep them down on here, as I do have friends who have kids who read here, and I don't want them thinking I'm talking about them.

Which segues nicely into a point I was thinking earlier, and started to nonsensically write up -- that is, it amuses me how easily people adapt what they read on here to suit their emotional needs at any given time. That is to say, it seems as though I could write a seriously generic statement like, "You made me happy today," and have any number of you readers (okay, two of the three of you) assume that it was meant to apply to you.

Sucks if someone takes offense to something that wasn't written about them, especially if I didn't even know that they read here or might've thought it would apply to them, but sometimes a bit funny, too.

But that's also why I do restrict myself on here at times, as I know that there are some who read on here -- with varying degrees of frequency -- and it would just be my luck for me to say that so-and-so was a useless twat, and that would be the one day of the month they had read what I'd written.

At the same time, I think it just factors in to how much we each want to be important to someone, even at just the friendship level. I know that I can get bummed out if I've been in frequent or semi-frequent contact with someone (especially when flirting is involved), only to have them reduce the frequency of said contact or disappear entirely. I could name names as to people who tend to appear and then disappear (SHAWNATHON), but I wouldn't want to call anyone out.


Today I was hanging out with a girlfriend of mine, and she was asking me questions about my experiences with BDSM. I was describing some of the things I'd tried, and we started talking about our shared interests in certain pseudo-fetish gear wear -- leather bracelets and the like. I mentioned one item that I find to be significantly arousing, and suddenly, bam -- rush of heat between the legs. It's been so long since I've felt that I almost mentioned it, but wasn't sure she'd care to know.

It's going to be ... interesting being back off the pill.

I find it both amusing and frustrating that some people in my life have a hard time dealing with me as a sexual being, and it makes me wonder sometimes about their own sex life. I'm hardly pushing my sexual activities in others' faces, even when I was single, but yes, I am fairly open with my thoughts and experiences while online (re: the Whore's Boudoir. I certainly don't force anyone to read it, but I appreciate those who do -- especially when I hear back from people that I have echoed their thoughts or experiences in my writings. I think talking and musing about sex is a healthy thing to do, but I don't force anyone to do it with me.

I mean, I'm 28 years old. Certainly there are those with more experience than me in the world, and there are those with less. I've turned to many of my friends for advice on sexual matters, and I've had friends do the same to me. I like being able to provide advice or even simply a sympathetic ear. It's good to hear someone else say, "Yeah, I've had that happen, too" because it makes you feel like less of a loner and can lead to guidance as to how to cope.

So I can't help but wonder sometimes about people who have a difficult time talking about sex, whether it's with their friends or in general. Are they able to communicate effectively with their partner? Is their partner having a good time in bed? Are they?

I find it helpful to be open about my interests. It presents an easy opportunity for someone else to say whether or not they like the same thing, or elements of it. It provides for conversation topics (re: earlier this evening). And it lets people think of me as a freak if they're so inclined. But being open about things means that people will ask you questions or seek advice they may not feel comfortable going elsewhere to learn. That's a pretty nice feeling all around.