Well, happy post-holidays and all that, everyone. Mind you, the holidays aren't actually over yet, so I guess I should rescind the post part. Fuck you all.

Sorry, just had to throw that in for no real good reason. :)

My Christmas was pretty good; ended up spending two nights with the folks, lazed around on the couch, came home and lazed around on my couch with my sister for a bit on Christmas Day, that sort of thing... I spent some time Christmas night talking to my aunt and just now talking to my Nanny (okay, so I was late, sue me), and familial love continues well. My dad's uncle called us Christmas Eve, and the feeling that I got -- though no one said anything -- was that he's probably not much longer for this world. Which is sad, because I remember him (vaguely) from when I was a kid and how he was one of these big, strong, healthy people... but everyone else seems pretty much just accepting of it. I guess it's one of these where he's been sick and/or worsening for awhile, so they know it's coming and they're resigned to it and so on.

I have no good segue, aside from this line.

For some reason, this is the funniest shit I've read in awhile.

Yesterday OFK came over and I made him watch some of The Music Man -- the original! -- which I'd finally found in MusicWorld. So far, pretty decent... different words than I'm used to (although since there are three different versions that play on Launchcast, it's hard to pick a true version), but enjoyable.

I made cookies the other night, and those who've had them seem to enjoy them. I think they're a little too tough, and I've been told they're quite filling, so that's good. This morning I was very much in the mood to box, and I have a lead on a heavy bag from a boy who likes me and that's a confusing situation, so I have to figure out the cost of a stand and then gloves, and I'll probably take it off his hands. This way, I get to work out my various frustrations in the comfort and security of my own home.

I did some cleaning of the apartment yesterday, including unpacking two more boxes of miscellaneous crap. I moved the couch and fished out the various cat toys, and once again found the sink plug. I have hidden it in amongst the stuff on my counter and fully expect to lose it within the week.

I'm hoping to be able to make something useful of the second bedroom, like a sewing room or some such. I don't want to make it the gym, since I feel it's a little too small for me to feel comfortable working out in there; if the bed were gone, that would be another matter, but for now it is definitely too cramped. The master bedroom, on the other hand, has sufficient space for my bed, dresser, night table, computer desk, and gym equipment. I love my apartment and never want to have to move. Ever. Please don't make me move?! :(

I can feel the stress of the job uncertainty mounting again. *sigh* I feel as though I'll never have my debts paid off, and I don't want to spend too much of my income paying off my debts, because otherwise I will have no savings... and then when I'm unemployed and have to use my savings paying my rent, and can't make payments on my debt... argh! As it is, I have to wait for my paycheque this week (December 31st, 'cause of the holidays) to be able to afford my January rent (comes out on the 1st), and after it's paid, I'll still only have $200 to my name -- less than that, because I did a bit of shopping yesterday (very minor, doing exchanges and using gift certificates, shut up). This life sucks.

Anyhow... urgh. There is still stuff I want, but I'm behaving myself and not buying it. *twitches* :)

Is it normal to find yourself more attracted to someone that you've known for awhile -- like, more attracted than you were originally, but still possibly uncertain about your actual level of attraction to them? Is there any way of explaining to someone that while you do like them and might possibly think of dating them maybe, right now you just view them as a friend and want to maintain that? Urgh. I know he likes me, and I'm not 100% against it, I'm just not sure what percent I am in favour of it. I fear it's a low one. :\ A big part of it is that I think he is innocent in a way that ... hrm.

I have nothing against virgins, it's more the innocent in lifestyle and untouched in dirty deeds that I find tough to work around. I like to be around people that aren't shocked if a girl mentions masturbating or toys -- and why are guys shocked when a girl has no problem saying she touches her dirty parts for pleasure? Bah.

I was pleased to find that my mom seems to really like the necklace that I picked out for her. It was very different than her usual style, but she wore it all day Christmas Day, and wore it to work on Tuesday and apparently was getting tonnes of compliments on it -- one of her coworkers said I had great taste. So that was really cool to hear. :) I was worried she wouldn't like it, but it looks as though she does. Yay, me.

I'm also in the mood to make a lot of food for a dinner party. So, if people feel like coming over in the next week or so for something like lasagna and dessert, let me know.


I went to bed late last night, 'cause I'm dumb. But then I got woken up at 3:30 this morning by the sound of my neighbours upstairs, stomping around and yelling and swearing at someone. It sounded like some teenager having a hissy fit -- a thought that was furthered by my belief that I'd heard a bunch of people going upstairs for some party or some such.

Needless to say, since I had to be up at 5:30 this morning, I was neither pleased nor impressed. :P

Launchcast is also sucking today. :P


Heh. Just re-read my post from the other night. It's funny how I often feel that I'm stone-cold sober, but when I look back, I can tell that there were things affecting me at the time -- be it booze, exhaustion, or whatever.

I realized the other day that I'm currently closing in on my longest streak of celibacy since I originally lost my virginity. Even before the last time it was fairly spotty... I think I must be losing my appeal as I get older. Either that, or working out doesn't make me pretty. :)

I'm actually starting to get kinda psyched for Christmas. It feels weird to have it on a Saturday, for some reason. I don't know why, but I feel like it should be on a Tuesday or something.

I love making no sense in my conversational patterns sometimes. I wandered over to my boss (and his EA) to ask him who I should talk to about a particular issue for a speech I have to write for the House, and then I segued into talking about Parliamentary Process, and how I was reading about that last week, and some of the weird Private Members' Bills on the website. He asked which ones I thought were weird, so I mentioned the three that I'd bothered to follow up on, including one about how GST should be removed from feminine hygiene products, and the sponsoring MP feels it's a gender-specific tax in this instance. We went from that to wondering if there were any products that were male specific, and he mentioned prostate drugs as a possibility. So the conversation segued into prostate exams and jokes, and after that wrapped up, I immediately said, "Okay, so, (name of person I had to talk to). Great, thanks!" and wandered off as he laughed and I laughed.

We also had our division breakfast this morning, which was kinda nice. Sometimes I prefer breakfast buffets, 'cause they usually have a fair bit of fresh fruit, and you can pick a variety of things. That's one reason I like Cora's -- lots of fresh fruit, which is great for those hangover breakfasts, especially (unlike the greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray that Ben and Moose would espouse).

Last week was hectic and not; plans got rescheduled here and there, so that was okay. Monday was the gym and mini-putt/air hockey with the boy (date 4). Tuesday was taking Venus to the vet and I wound up cancelling the writing group that night so I could stay with her -- which led to the long nap on the couch late at night, and tucking the blanket around her as she shivered. Wednesday was the gym and was supposed to be a coffee meeting with someone, but he rescheduled. Thursday was gaming, and me getting to role-play my character properly... or at least, so I will claim. Basically, I took great pleasure in picking up everything, touching everything else, and doing stupid things -- like throwing mats on hot rocks so they would burn... subsequently filling the room full of smoke and causing me to pass out. That made me laugh *a lot,* which made me conclude that I needed more sleep.

Friday I had my doctor's appointment to be checked over for boxing. I got to take a cab out to the appointment ('cause work came up that kept me kinda late), and I slept the whole way out there -- some half hour or so. I had to reassure my doctor a number of times that I wasn't looking for a career of being punched in the head. I've been seeing my doctor since I was a baby (literally), so it's nice to know he's concerned. ;) I'm also apparently the first woman for which he's filled out one of the boxing forms, so that was kinda cool. The nurse also mocked me for being unable to pee after I'd already done so before leaving for my appointment. I need a new doctor. :)

I headed back downtown to meet up with another lavaboy for dinner. Our waiter's name was Nick, and he was a lot of fun -- we kept joking with him and so on as he came and went. The kid that brought our food was named Joey, and looked to be about 14, literally. Both my date and I were taken aback at how young he looked. When Nick returned, I asked him how old Joey was (something I wouldn't normally do), and he said Joey was 18, turning 19 next month. We made some comment on that, and Nick said that Joey hadn't shaved in a few weeks, and had those few little hairs to show for it -- you could tell that poor Joey got a fair bit of ribbing from his coworkers. At some point in the night, my date said, "Oh Joey," in this tone of voice that just tickled me right and still strikes me as funny... probably a "you had to be there," but it was just the tone of voice you'd say about someone who you've known forever and you just feel bad he has to deal with that stuff. Or something... hard to describe.

I headed home after dinner and vegged with the cats. I was exhausted and wound up going to bed relatively early still (shortly after midnight?). Saturday I was supposed to have coffee with two different people, but postponed the 1 o'clock so I could finish wrapping gifts and parcels. I managed to get done almost in time for the 3 o'clock coffee (what had originally been booked for Wednesday), but didn't get to the post office (and still haven't... that's tonight's errand). After coffee, I rushed back home to put on warmer clothes and head out to meet up with the Habicube and hangers-on for Shawn's birthday dinner.

We had okay food at the restaurant -- I have to confess, I wasn't too enamoured of my food. I was giving Shawn a hard time, and chatting a fair bit with Jacob and Heather, and somewhere during dinner Heather and I devised a plan to make out publically if we could get at least $40 put in the pot ($20 for each of us). Alas, throughout the evening, there were no takers. What's the world coming to when boys won't pay hot girls to make out?

We headed back to the 'cube and Ben brought me chocolate booze. Two words: Yum. After consuming a moderate amount of alcohol and getting emo, I went outside with Jacob for a cigarette. Moose wound up coming out just before I finished, then I went back in and finished my drink. I went up to Shawn's room and laid down on the bed, feeling my heart race and my thoughts chase it and thought about emo and nothing and everything. Jacob came up and joined me, then O from the party also did (not from The Story of O, or at least, not that I knew). As it got close to 11, I packed up my remaining booze and headed out, Jacob following me. I wanted to get home before I ended up totally exhausted and so on.

Sunday I bused over to the post office, thinking it would be open on Sundays, and discovered that it very much wasn't. And it was *cold* out. I did manage to get the DVDs returned, though, so that was good. I warmed up a bit and then headed into the station, where I got to spend parts of the evening (though not many of them) arguing with our most infamous of the crazies. Yay. I got a lift home, so I didn't have to head out through the cold, so that was nice -- and means I have to stop saying mean things about that person for a little bit. ;)

Monday was the gym again and heading over to my friend's place for their 'nog party. I didn't wind up staying long -- only about an hour -- 'cause that's when OFK was leaving, and I didn't want to be out late. I'd only gotten about 4 hours' sleep Sunday night, so I figured I should get to bed early last night. Didn't really work out, since I was wide awake at midnight. :P I also figured that since I can't sing (as was also pointed out to me by a few people during/after the one song I sang) and I wasn't drinking 'nog, I should probably head out. I did manage to get the next book for our book club, though, so that was good -- and one of the reasons I went. :)

Yesterday at the gym was a pretty decent workout. I managed to work my abs well enough that I can still feel them today, and I even ran post-workout for 30 minutes straight, a personal best. Even when I was in the running club, I never managed more than 23 minutes straight. Admittedly, my legs were getting a bit wobbly last night towards the end, but I made it, and I felt good when I was done -- I wasn't covered in sweat or heaving or anything... and I didn't drink any water the whole way through, though I'd had a full Booster Juice smoothie during my workout, so that'd probably helped. I figure I should probably increase the speed at which I run a bit now, since I seem to be managing it okay... as it is, I don't run particularly fast, but that's okay with me. :) My heart rate had been at 160 when I stopped, which isn't as high as it can get.

Oh yeah, and for those who want to know/care, my weight, according to the doctor's scale, was 156 lbs (at 5'2"). I am a fucking dense little thing. :) I know I still need to lose some weight, and I haven't checked what my body fat percentage is currently in awhile (gotta remember to ask my trainer if we can do that), but I'm pretty sure (hopeful) that what's being added on to the frame in terms of weight continues to be muscle. I know I've been noticing more muscles on my frame lately, so ... now, if I could only get rid of the damn belly, I'd be thrilled (she says, as she sips on a can of Coke).

Tonight I get to try and return yet another pair of headphones; the first pair didn't fit my head, this pair has a slice through the wire. Maybe I'll try to go to where Al works, and return them there. :) I might wind up doing it tomorrow, though -- tonight I have to go in the opposite direction to get Mom's Christmas gift (or one of them) and mail out the parcels to the grandparents, finally. I might also rent the next few discs of Futurama (season 4 now!) and just spend the night vegging... although it might make more financial sense to rent 'em free from Blockbuster. Maybe get back into CSI for a bit. Spoiled for choice!

Aren't stream-of-consciousness writings fun? :) Now if only I could write something good for a change... although checking the transcript of our department's latest event, one of our ministers delivered something I'd written more closely than she usually does, which is pretty sweet -- she at least kept in some of the more flowery language I'd written, so that was cool. :)

Oh yeah, yesterday I also wrote my first-ever government entrance exam. Kinda freaky; I had to make a press release out of a speech as part of it, and the tough part was that the speech didn't seem to be saying anything in particular, just describing the role of the department. Well, my experience here with press releases is that they tend to be more about announcements of one kind or another -- not "here's what we do and isn't life going well?" things. Again, poor explanation. I have no real perception of how well I did, but I only needed a 65% to get to the interview stage, which I do hope I managed to achieve; we'll see, though. If nothing else, it was experience and practice at doing something I might get to do in the future -- so next time, I'll have a much better idea what to expect.


Hah! I remembered another word I hate: silly.

Moist, too, of course.

Ointment? Not so bad. Creamy? If it's in reference to a woman, also bad. To her thighs? No. To what's between 'em? Gawds, yes.

Sorry, refering to a conversation from last night. :)



Why am I emo when you're around, or when I think of you?

"Since when do you smoke?"

(since I saw you there and needed to just go away and do something stupid and here is the opportunity) "Since tonight."

I want to be out of my head.

I would like pot... but for now, booze will do (and be less likely to affect the cats).

Who said drinking alone is bad?

Oh, yeah... me.


I am needy! Leave me comments!
I had a dream last night that you came to my apartment with a bunch of our mutual friends to see me. You seemed like you had something you wanted to tell me.

Of course, as a part of that exact same dream -- before you had the chance to say whatever it was you wanted to say -- I went and removed Thena from the washing machine, where I'd washed her with some clothes.

So, I guess that dream's significance isn't.


Well, that's just lovely. I *just* noticed a nice big hole in my pants -- first time I've worn them anywhere. I'd take them back, but I bought them months ago, so it's too late for anything to be done. I should be able to repair this without any problem; it's just the seam that's opened. I've also noticed these pants are somewhat snug across my butt/thighs, but I can't remember if they were like that when I bought them, or if I've just added some more muscle to my frame (shut up, I can pretend it's muscle).

I brought Venus back from the vet yesterday night. I had to bus across the city in rush hour to do it, but I managed to get there right on time, which was good. The poor little thing was shivering in her carrier as we waited for the taxi, but I started patting her and she started purring her head off, and even kneading her paws a little. Too cute. :) The technician that checked us out had commented on her coat, saying that she looked at times like she had a brown undertone to it, which is something I'd only noticed a few weeks ago myself -- she looks mostly black, and her face and paws are, but her back is dark brown and black, but only if you look the right way. She's a funky monkey. :)

I had the cabbie swing by the video store on the way home and I picked up season 3 of Futurama. I've decided that Zoidberg is definitely my favourite character in the group, and Shawn agrees with me, so I must be right. ;) I got us home and set up, including changing the litterbox and setting up a new one, set out food and then settled myself on the couch. Thena attacked Venus at one point, so she wound up banished to the bedroom for awhile. I finally convinced Venus to settle on the couch when her head was bobbing up and down as she started passing out sitting up, and she gradually curled up with me. I noticed she was shivering, so I tucked a blanket around her, and eventually the two of us actually passed out on the couch. I woke up around 10, after more than an hour's sleep, and figured there was no way I was going to get to bed at a reasonable hour.

Venus seems to be doing well; she's purring like a truck whenever she gets patted, and she's moving around and trying to get into her regular amounts of trouble -- like getting up on the dresser in the morning and so on -- though she is moving like she's sore, which is understandable. Last night I'd planned on keeping everyone separated, but all Venus did for over an hour was sit by the door and stare at it, and I could hear Thena mrowing outside the door, so I figured that they'd probably be happier together. I wasn't woken by any horrible cat fights, so I guess everyone was okay.

This morning, I could get my key to turn in my mailbox lock. It's been stiff the last number of times I've tried it, and today it just wouldn't turn at all. I'm going to try it again on my way home, but I'm definitely not encouraged. :P

Let's see, and 'cause Frank and Markuk find my talking about my cats monotonous, more date news:

Went out with the boy Monday night for mini-putt. It was originally going to be dinner and, but he said he'd had a late lunch, so we just did the 'putt. I roundly sucked at miniputt, then afterwards we played several games of air hockey. I lost every game, but usually only by 2, and was ahead for awhile on the last game. He kept sending the puck flying off the table, so several times each game one of us was having to chase it down.

I started the evening with mixed feelings about it all, but I asked him if we were allowed to play distraction rules for mini-putt, and so we spent time leaning against one another, hugging, poking at legs, and kissing during the game. Afterwards, we went for some food at the restaurant nearby, and chatted for awhile during it. He had to be up early the next morning, so I was home by about 10 or so and didn't mind. I knew I had to be sure to get up in the morning, and I'd had a rough night's sleep already, so I didn't mind the early night.

There are semi plans in the works for another night out, so we'll see how that goes. I've talked about this guy to a few people, and while he's nice and I enjoy his company, I'm not all OMGIHAVETOHAVEHISBABIESFORYEARSONEND about him. While on the one hand, that's not a bad thing, on the other hand, it means that I'm ... lukewarm or whatever, I guess. *shrug* A lot of the time for me it takes a little while for things to develop; I know I wasn't gaga over D right away, for example -- I was much more into Moose or E sooner. I'm apathetic about it all, now. :)

Mostly, I just look forward to being at home and being away from work. Yesterday was one of those days where I was just thankful that I might be out of here at the end of January; as those of you who've been to my LJ (which I don't usually update, or it's usually the same stuff that appears here when I do) or who've talked to me about my work situation know, I have some people (okay, mostly one people) here that drive me bugnuts. I don't even know if I'll be here to see out the execution of the new org chart, but... one can hope. Hell, even if it's just for my last month here that it changes, that'd be sweet.

But my odds are better that I'd have a new job I'd have to start and so on. Which reminds me; need to spend time this afternoon studying. I kinda don't want to go to the gym tonight, but I really don't have a reason not to. Especially since I've been ordered to start going 3 times a week. :) At least Friday I have an appointment to see my doctor to find out about boxing and so on... boxing is a great way to get rid of my frustrations, I find. :)


Okay, I'm not going to bother posting about all the irritating crap that's been going on, just the one big concern I had today: Venus has been spayed, has had her hernia fixed, and did well. They found a growth under one of her ovaries, and the doctor said she wasn't concerned about it, but I elected to have it sent away for testing, just in case. I am a paranoid mom.

Then the growth kinda got lost, but there is the option of sending away the other parts to ensure that they were normal, which I might wind up doing. It's only another $100, and I think my pets are better-served with the money than me buying some more DVDs or books or something... which I'll likely wind up buying anyhow. :)

Maybe I can call in sick tomorrow? No, because I have to take time off Thursday afternoon and then leave early on Friday... argh. I'm getting the feeling I really should've taken today off, like I did when Thena was spayed.

Today, I hate my workplace. :P


Why can I smell you here, when you've never once been to my office?
I have a new phrase for when someone's attracted to someone else. Like, say Mike thinks Jane's really hot. In that situation, Mike wants to hump Jane's bunny.

It can be used in reverse, too: Jane wants to hump Mike's bunny.

If you don't get it, well, you don't read my site enough. ;)

A bunch of weird, isolated dreams last night. Like, I dreamt I was pregnant, and not a little bit pregnant, either -- like, six or seven months along. But the bottom part of my stomach was squishy, like I was carrying a bunch of fat there or something. It was weird.

I also had a dream that I was at someone's rez (although it looked nothing like any rez I've been to before), and D was there, and had been spreading rumours about me. But the only rumour I heard was that I'd had a breast reduction, so I was chewing him out about that in front of a crowd and trying to get him to admit that all the rumours about me were lies, but he wouldn't say anything.

I'm sure there was more, but right now I can't remember it.

Thena was helpful to me this morning. I think I forgot to set my main alarm clock, since I don't remember it going off, but my second one did and woke me up around 7:10. I started passing back out, and Thena tapped me on the head with her paw, from her perch atop my headboard. I thanked her. :)

The weekend was pretty decent. Friday night, OFK took me to get groceries, and we rented Dodgeball and watched it. I'd seen it in theatres, but as always (or so it seems), I was with someone who doesn't believe in staying until the end of the credits to catch the extra stuff... so it was only on the DVD that I got to see the extra scene. OFK said that while the scene was funny, the expression on my face was funnier. I say no more. I also talked to the boy (oh-ho, you say -- what boy?!), and we made tentative plans to get together Sunday afternoon. More on that.

Saturday I went Christmas shopping and managed to get it all pretty much done. I'd like to add something to my gifts for the grandparents, but if I can't, then... that's okay, too. I thought I had a rough start to the day, though; when I stepped over a snowbank in anticipation of crossing the street, four cars drove by, and the first one painted me in slush. The others didn't, so I consider that first car to have been especially an asshole. I was tempted to go back home, but I figured I wouldn't really have time to do it otherwise, so... off I went. I even managed to pick up two pairs of winter boots, which was great.

Afterwards, I headed back home and relaxed on the couch for a bit, before getting showered and ready to go out for our big dinner that night. I'd picked up a nice silk camisole from La Senza, and I was debating whether to wear it with black dress pants or my skirt when my hand brushed a pair of pants that I'd bought back in the fall, and I got all excited and decided to wear them. :)

The cami tied around my neck and scooped in the back, with some ruffly parts down the middle of the back (not overblown ruffles, just gathered fabric). The pants are made of crepe or something, and are pretty funky... they're just regular crepe pants (kinda see-through), and then they have these four long panels in black crepe that drape in the front and back. All in all, a pretty cool outfit, if I do say so myself. I was checking out the pictures that one of the people there last night took, and there were no pics of me at the restaurant, so I can't showcase the outfit.

It was kinda cool having the shoulders and arms bared that way, or rather the way my friends acted was kinda funny... people who wanted to get my attention (or the two people sitting to either side of me) would stroke their hand down my upper arm, rather than just tap me or whatnot. There was also a friend who'd put his hand in the centre of my back, which felt nice. Being touched feels nice. :)

We went over to the house for the after-party, and did our gift grab. I wound up just taking my gift home with me, since the gifts I wanted had already been stolen once, and we couldn't steal more than once a round. I didn't get to take home the head massager thing, so I told OFK he could buy back my friendship for $6 and get me that for Christmas (he'd already stolen it from me in our game). We'll see if he redeems himself yet. :)

I wound up hitching a lift back home a little bit before 1, and eventually going to bed. I puttered for awhile first, putting things away here and there. Afterwards, it was off to bed.

Sunday morning I woke up and did some household stuff, while I waited for the boy to call. Did the dishes, washed all the crap off the kitchen door that the previous tenants had applied (tissue paper with glue, I think), and applied the stuff that I got from IKEA ages ago. The cats "helped," so they kept getting shut back into the bedroom. :)

Never heard from the boy, which was a big aggravating, so off it was to work. I ran into a friend on the bus, so we chatted until I had to peel off to the station. A little later the boy was online and didn't offer any apologies for not having called, just said that he'd been up until 5 and wound up waking up at 2. He was somewhat distracted through the conversation and mentioned at one point that he was on the phone... I said "sounds promising :)" he said, "It always is" or something like that, and I decided that I've been going about this all wrong.

See, I tend to find it easier to date one person at a time -- and it's not like I often find a number of guys that I'm interested in all at once. It's not as though I'm putting all of my expectations on one guy or whatever, just that I'm focusing any 'dating' energies on the one person, and then when it inevitably ends, it's frustrating and annoying, and I have to start all over again.

So I decided that rather than focus on one person, I'd see what I could do about scaring up some extra dates. So I went back on lavalife, caught up on emails I had waiting, and said hi to someone on my MSN list I hadn't said hi to in however long. I wound up chatting with two boys for the rest of the night -- including when I got home -- and now have a coffee meet for Wednesday. :)

Basically, while the boy is a nice guy, and I do enjoy his company and him, I figure that the ol' "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" -- or the reverse, in this case -- is in effect, and I'm tired of being the one to think the questions and whatnot. Nuts to it all, I'll do this dating thing properly or not at all (which is tempting). :)

Now, Markuk was complaining the other day that my blog is getting boring, and is too full of news about my cats. So, for those of you that have managed to read this far, and aren't part of my regular update circle (even those don't often get the full story), you get to hear about the boy.

I met him on lavalife, and we fairly quickly ended up exchanging MSN info. Some guys, I'll just give my MSN address to immediately, just 'cause I really don't like the lavalife email system. Actually, I don't much like email, either -- at least when I have to reply to it. :) Anyhow, last week we talked for the majority of my work shift, then chatted on the phone for another 2 hours when I got home. We made plans to go out Monday night.

Monday we went out for dinner and gelato, then for a bit of a walk outside -- which didn't last long, since it was cold and neither of us was particularly dressed for it. By the time we went for gelato we were holding hands, and when we were walking outside he kissed me. We went back to my place for a little bit, did a bit more kissing, and then he headed out.

Tuesday, he brought over some movies and we watched movies and talked and did some more kissing. He asked if I was free Friday, and we were going to make plans later in the week.

Wednesday I got a pass to see Ocean's Twelve from my trainer, so I called him up and asked if he was interested. I knew it was his boy's night out, and I told him he was welcome to pass, but he didn't and we went and watched the flick. He drove me home afterwards and joined up with his boys.

He's also sent me email to my work account -- 3 of the days last week. He's said he likes me and so on, so I'm just confused now. We're getting together for dinner and mini-putt tonight, so we'll see how things go. Maybe I'm moving into the 4-date curse now. :)

Ah well... I overanalyze stuff. :) Sunday I kept bringing around my bags of presents to theoretically wrap them, then deciding not to. Same with the cards... I might save that for when things really start to die off at work. :)

Oh yeah, Wednesday I had a job interview for a communications officer position. Scary responsibilities... don't know if I want it or not, since I do kinda like my work here, it's just some of my coworkers that make me mental. I'm bad with change. :P Should I be worried that one of my coworkers has taken on doing things he used to delegate to me, or just pleased?

Anyhow, I think now the world is up to date. Enjoy. :)



I knew that leaving this off would be the wrong thing to do, and yet I did it. I kept hoping that the pressure would help. Well, we'll see. :P
I always knew/thought I was the Pied Piper for cats, but it's getting worse.

The other day, Thena was putting up a fuss at the back door. She desperately wanted out, and no amount of freezing rain was going to stop her. So, I put her harness on her and let her out.

She stayed out for a few minutes, then came back in. A minute or two after I let her back in, I noticed that there was a black and white cat outside, peering in my kitchen door (which has a big window in it), and just hanging around my little backyard.

Last night, I got home late and fed the cats, and from my bedroom, I could hear someone meowing. I thought it was Thena still being annoying, so I went out to check on her and saw a cat in the backyard -- a different one from the night before.

I feel bad that these poor kitties are out in the bad weather or just the cold, but I can't let them in my place... my kitties would get upset. :(

There was one morning when I was leaving for a work that a kitty came tearing across the street, straight for my door. I guess he lived nearby, or he didn't care whose house and he just wanted in one. He was a sweetie; I gave him a little pat and then I was on my way. He might've been the same kitty from last night, but I think last night's cat had more white on him than the door-runner.

There's also a little black cat that's the spitting image of Venus, but for a white Hershey's Kiss on its chest, and a small white cat with orange tabby sections, someone who was kitten-sized (like, 8 weeks kitten-sized) back in October... lots of kitties around, and I guess they like my place 'cause of the bushes surrounding it and the entertaining kitties inside of it.

Anyhow, last night my trainer gave me a sneak preview pass to see Ocean's Twelve, 'cause she couldn't go. I called up the boy, delaying his boy's night out somewhat, and we went and saw it. Missed the first 20 minutes, which looked like it would've been really useful to see, but otherwise (aside from sitting in the absolutely front row -- why the fuck do those seats exist?!) enjoyed it. Afterwards, he dropped me off at home and I changed into the comfy pants and fed the kitties. :) And as always, stayed up way too late reading.

This morning, Venus kept jumping up on my dresser, and I just wanted to sleep that extra 40 minutes or so between alarms, so I wound up tossing her out of the bedroom, and sleeping until my cell phone -- in my living room, opposite end of the apartment -- woke me up. It actually rang twice; the first time I thought it was part of my dream, the second time I clued in to what I was hearing. It turns out it was my trainer following up on getting my credit card information for my training form yesterday, so that was all good.

I chatted for a little bit on the phone yesterday with a friend of mine, too, and we trashed a few of our friends. I commented on my friends' bitchiness, 'cause normally my friend is more tolerant and accepting of people and their piccadilloes than am I, but it was nice to hear my thoughts (or something akin to my thoughts) being echoed/suggested first by someone else for a change. It makes me feel less of a bitch. :)

I had my interview yesterday morning, and I think it maybe might've gone well. It's hard to tell, really. I have to write a speech this afternoon/tonight as part of my audition package, and I also have to do some grocery shopping (since I'm getting low on foods) and go Christmas shopping... I just bought some stuff from the vendors downstairs, so that means my aunt, sister and Mom are definitely taken care of -- and you hear that, sis? No hints as to what you got! Hah!

I also still have to get something for our gift grab on Saturday, when the big crowd is doing our official Christmas dinner. I'm debating between either wearing a nice top and dress pants, or an actual dress. I figure once I go to the house party part afterwards, I'd probably wind up changing anyhow... although I did that last year 'cause we had a hot tub, and I didn't want to get into a dress afterwards. Beh, I still have a few days to figure it out.

I want to implement a script on my page that allows me to display random quotes, either from movies, tv shows, songs, comic strips or just my life -- something akin to what I do with my MSN title, but a more permanent record. I've found a few pages that seem to do what I want, so that'll be a project for later (since they're blocked from work).

I also have to figure out a way to get over and get my hair done and drop in on the agency Christmas party that's taking place tomorrow. It seems like a really poor reason to leave work, even though it's just for part of the morning, and I already took off a part of yesterday for the "appointment" I had... urgh.

Argh. Also need to buy new winter boots and ideally, a new winter jacket. Wearing your 4'10-11" mother's hand me up jacket isn't exactly a perfect solution, although it was free. Stupid expensive time of year! Mind you, my Christmas rage hasn't really taken place this year, so that's good... I think it helps that I haven't listened to tv or radio much during the last while. :)


I had a dream that I saw you and you smiled at me and were happy to see me.
Anne Coulter, insane bitch. Tucker Carlson, tiny nutjob. Thanks to Jay for this video.
Drinking Coke before lunch makes my heart race, and helps me to feel aggressive and full of rage first thing in the morning. This isn't necessarily a good thing.

I feel passive-aggressive today, and tired, and sad and a little anxious. I think my life would be much better if I could be totally heartless about my exes and just leave all of that stuff behind me, but alas... I am stupid.

I was patting Thena last night in the middle of the night or the beginning of the morning, and her fur was all staticky-stuck to her, and I could see the little blue sparks of electricity jumping through her coat as I stroked her. That can't be pleasant.

I have an appointment to see my doctor in a few weeks, so that he can fill out the paperwork so that I can start boxing and sparring with other people. I am amused by the idea that I might go in to work with black eyes or fat lips.

I find it annoying that if I mention to my coworker that I'm not feeling well, he asks me if I'm pregnant. Yes, and my parents are thrilled! I usually wind up making a joke about it being the second coming of Christ's child or some such; it's not his business if I'm having sex or not, and it's really not his business if I'm preggers.

I'm not.

I need to research the company with which I have the job interview tomorrow, so that I don't keep coming off like a total boob. I also need to figure out what I'm going to wear, and what vague non-lie I'm going to use to explain my late arrival to work tomorrow. I'm thinking of the ever-generic, "I have an appointment." I also need to buy proper winter boots, so that I stop clomping around in my huge, gross Sorels, or sliding around in my mostly useless dress-soled boots.

Lately I've been feeling somewhat unwanted by some of my friends, so I'm choosing to sequester myself a little and stop hassling people.

Yesterday I was called gorgeous. I don't believe it, but it was nice to hear. Yesterday I pretended that the cute policy analyst was flirting with me. I don't believe it, but it was fun to pretend.

My shower doesn't get as hot as I'd like it to get. In the winter, or in the morning when I'm half-asleep, I like to be able to crank the heat on my shower. I am limited in my ability to do so, and it's frustrating.

I wish I could sing. Or dance. Or draw.

Sometimes I feel useless.


Great first date. Repeating tomorrow.

I have a job until end of January.

I have a job interview on Wednesday.

Cats just skidded into the dresser.

Life... looking pretty decent, I must say.

Granted, I felt kinda unwanted the other night with friends, but... shrug it off, move on.

Poor Thena's severely staticky right now... I need a humidifier in this place for my poor cats. Either that, or I'll put 'em through the dryer with a dryer sheet. That's not cruel, right?
No one updates their sites anymore.

You all *suck*. :P



Do you feel you know me?

If you've dated me, been my boyfriend, do you know me better than do my friends?

Who am I?


Further to the Badger chronicles, as I've previously listed...

The PotterPotter movie. Enjoy.
Sometimes friends are frustrating.


Finally getting back to this one... something you can enjoy, instead of my head strife. :)

A few minutes to myself, time to update.

Well, the last few days have been nothing but time to myself -- at work, at least. After work, that's different. But it's been good. :)

Anyhow, back way up to the trip to Toronto. Monday afternoon OFK and I headed off, getting into the city after dinner that night. The drive down was uneventful; lots of singing to the music we brought along, stops for food -- and here I must confess I did eat McDonalds on the drive down. I also bought some cheapo keychains that had little lights in them. Of course, only one of them worked, but it got used as a map light for awhile, so I gloated about how it was a dollar well-spent. Then OFK went on about how it was his dollar (true; I'd mooched a dollar from him so I could get a second keychain for my uncle), but his dollar bought the non-working keychain, now that I think about it... so hah!

We checked into the hotel, unimpressed with the concierge, dropped off our crap and headed out to the Kelsey's nearby for some snacks -- we'd found a note saying that Kelsey's offered a discount upon presentation of the room keys, but of course we managed to forget to actually get the discount that night. As with everything on the trip, I blamed OFK. ;) I am a *JOY* with which to travel! Really great service at the restaurant, though.

There was also a Chapters nearby, so I ran in quickly before it closed and picked up some trashy romance novels and a magazine (which I still haven't read). All week I kept seeing other Chapters and talking about wanting to go in, and then I didn't, and so that was okay. Stupid Chapters homing beacons...

All week we slept in nice and late -- the only morning we wound up getting up early was Friday, because we wanted to grab the breakfast buffet (which ended at 10) and we had to get checked out by around 11. But more on that later.

So Tuesday we slept in, then eventually got our butts in gear and aimed for downtown. First, however, we drove up the road to the Markham Shopping Centre to hit up Pickle Barrel for breakfast. I remembered Pickle Barrel from my various trips to Toronto to visit the ex-, so it seemed a decent option. After breakfast, we were off. OFK picked up a new pair of shoes, and mainly we wandered the downtown core, just looking around and talking. We passed by the Much Music location, and got to see the newest (I think) VJ doing a bit. They still had openings in the audience, but OFK wasn't interested in joining. Truth be told, I wasn't that much interested either, but... it's weird -- regardless of the fact that I work around so-called 'celebrities' at both of my jobs and don't much care there, when I see them in another context or see the ones I don't see on a regular basis, it's still a bit cool for me. I ramble.

We hit up a store called Come As You Are, which is much like the Venus Envy's in Halifax and Ottawa, and another store in Vancouver, and spent some time going through their book collection and graphic novels. I left with three books; the Nerve guide to dating etiquette, a bunch of columns from a lady who had something like the Whore's Boudoir, but on a much grander scale, and a book of S&M stories.

Dinner that night was at Kelsey's, since I hadn't had the chance to eat anything the previous night, and then we were back at the hotel to hang out, watch tv and veg. Weird how sleeping in seems to make you tired earlier. :P

Wednesday I awoke to my work cell phone going off, so I dealt with that, then we both got up and started getting ready for the day. Breakfast was at the nearby Timmy's, and the plan for the day was hanging out at the Ontario Science Centre. We spent a little too long in exhibits like the Genome and Space centre, so we didn't find the cool interactive stuff until right when the Centre was closing. But we did get to be sorted in the knowledge exhibit and I found the bouncy bridge, and I went into the disturbing box and sent OFK in after me, so it was all good. (You want into a metal closet of sorts, and an announcer talks about how a particular racial group was shipped somewhere in spaces this big... then the box starts to shrink and it talks about how another racial group -- I think Jewish people -- were shipped in a space that size... I almost had a heart attack when the box started shrinking... for some reason I seemed to think that it was going to go too small and I wouldn't fit anymore or something).

We met up with M for dinner (yummy Italian!) and gossip, then OFK and I headed back to the hotel and rented Anchorman, which he'd never seen. Still a funny movie. :)

Thursday we decided to head out to Niagara Falls, and we managed to get there a bit before 4 -- it was a decently long drive from our hotel, but traffic was pretty average. We looked at the Falls, which were quite foggy, then wandered down the road a little bit to try to see the Canadian Falls better. Afterwards, we headed over the main "fun" road, and checked out a few exhibits: we went in to see a 4-D movie at the Ripley's Believe It or Not ride (not the museum, OFK was against any fun museum they had there!), and the ride was kinda cool... then we saw the Mystery Maze, which wasn't especially mysterious, and the loudspeaker repeating the same stupid lines all the time was rather annoying.

After the Maze, we headed over to Boston Pizza for some food and wound up playing some DDR there, too. I actually did fairly well, even on some settings that are higher than I usually play. Maybe I really do get self-conscious when others are sitting around watching... I didn't think so, but there you have it.

We finished up DDR and headed into one of the four haunted houses. We decided to go into the noname haunted house, rather than Frankenstein's Haunted House (which had a giant Frankenstein on top of it eating a Whopper as a tie-in to the Burger King beside/underneath it), or Dracula's Haunted House, or the fourth one that was further up the street. OFK kept making me go first, which wasn't very nice, but I was helping out by noting all of the sensor panels and announcing that we could probably expect to see something soon. At one pitch-black part, I became convinced that there were stairs or something that I was going to fall down, so I made OFK go first there. The Haunted House ended in the tackiest gift shop I've seen in a long time, and then we were back out on the street.

We wandered up to the casino, and OFK made me lose my $20. I was up a couple of times and ready to end at 9, but he said he was having fun and told me to keep playing, so I did, and then my money was gone. So out of my two casino experiences, I've won money and lost money. Ah well. :)

We hit up the Hershey's store, and I bought myself a t-shirt and some junk food. Hershey's is now making chocolate kisses with caramel inside, and they're really good -- much higher quality chocolate than regular Hershey Kisses, it seems. I'm still waiting for the perfect opportunity to wear my t-shirt, which is actually a junior's x-large -- they didn't have the saying I wanted in adult sizes, and it's not necessarily the colour I would've picked, but what the hell. It's cute, and maybe I'll wear it in on my birthday, or if I'm around a guy that's just not getting the hint. Heh.

After all of the rampant consumerism, we headed back to the hotel. I didn't want to stay out *too* late, since we still had about an hour and a half drive back. Once we were in the car, the ex- called, and he and I made tentative plans to get together once he was back in Toronto; he'd been in Ottawa visiting his folks, and wasn't staying the full week. I called my folks to invite myself over to dinner the Sunday following our return, since I didn't have to work at the radio station that day, and then I just monopolized the music choices, as I did all the time. :)

Friday morning saw us actually getting up early, since check-out was around 11, and we wanted to grab the free breakfast at least once, and have as much time as we could at the Zoo, which closed at 4:30. Neither of us did much talking at breakfast... something tells me that OFK is as much of a morning person as I am. Once we finished packing up, we were off. Yayayayay, animals! :)

I took the majority of my pictures at the Zoo, but was having a bit of a tough time of it, since I had turned off my flash and a lot of the animal required zooming in -- so a lot of pictures wound up kinda blurry, or with the animals difficult to identify. I did get to see all of the big cats except the snow leopard, and I think the tigers were my favourite (three teenaged cubs! very cute). Although the lionness that turned everytime I tried to take her picture was also fun. :) We didn't get to to all of the trails, partly because we spent a lot of time in Africa and started running low on time. I did the Eurasia walk on my own, and didn't really linger much... my camera's batteries had died, and I wanted to make sure I still had time to get back to the other side of the park, and most importantly, get in the gift shop. :)

We also didn't do the Canada trail, 'cause, well, we live in Canada, and those animals aren't quite as exotic as like, say, elephants or giraffes or whatever. I'd love to go back sometime in the summer and spend a day there, but then the place would likely be even more overrun with little rugrats and other people... we were late enough in the season that it was fairly quiet, and we really didn't have much difficulty seeing anything, anywhere we went -- including the Science Centre and so on.

So I met back up with OFK, spoke with the ex- while I snacked on a sandwich in the snack bar and made plans for dinner that night. We went into the gift shop and I picked out a cute little tiger with big eyes for me, a couple of postcards and a package of elephant poo paper for I'm not sure who yet. The whole time we were in there, the two girls at the counter were complaining about hours and their boss and so on, and I distinctly heard one of 'em say 'fuck.' Now, I'm so not against bad language or bitching about your bosses/coworkers -- lord knows I've done enough of it myself -- but there's a time and a place. When you're at work, maybe, but when you have customers in the store? Not so much. Especially with the swearing. Part of me wanted to go over and say something, but at the same time, I just couldn't be bothered. At all. Bah.

So OFK took me over to the ex-'s place, and I got the tour of the house. We sat up in his room and caught up, then went over to the local Swiss Chalet for food. Afterwards, back to the house for some more chatting, and OFK came and got me, and back we went to his friend's place for hanging out and crashing.

Saturday morning we got up, had some breakfast and repacked our stuff, then went over to a pub to meet up with one of OFK's coworkers, who was in town. After some lunch and chatting with her (and an episode of Voyageur that I was semi-distractedly watching for no good reason, except that it was vaguely amusing to see a hologram -- and not the doctor -- freaking out... you geeks'll know the episode, I'm sure), we were back on the road.

The weather back was pretty atrocious. It poured the whole way we were on the road, and combine that with the short stretch of driving I did, I wasn't exactly relaxed for the drive. I'd heard so many horror stories of the 401, or the Don Valley Parkway (which we had to drive every day if we wanted to go anywhere that wasn't in Markham), but we didn't have any problems, and we really didn't even hit that much in the way of traffic.

When we were still about two hours from home, our friends called to say they were getting together at R and N's place that night. It was kinda funny -- JW called OFK's cell, and then R called mine a few minutes later. I was driving at that point, so OFK got to field both the calls. As we got closer to home, we decided we'd head over and say hi to everyone, hang out for a bit, then go back to our respective apartments. There wasn't a lot going on -- mostly just some video games and board games, but it was nice to be around everyone again. I got some backrub action going on, and I honestly could've had someone rub my back and shoulders for a few hours without complaint. But alas, I couldn't convince JJ to do so. :)

I went home and saw my girls, and that was nice. They freaked out at first when I showed up, but afterwards were quite happy to be fed, and have me around. I was up kinda late that night, and Thena curled up on my bed and went to sleep first. Once I got in bed, Venus curled up by my side, and the two of them were glued to my sides all night, which was awfully cute. The same thing took place Sunday -- while I was home, they more or less just kept to me and curled up with me, and Thena once again curled up on my bed before I went to sleep Sunday night.

Sunday night I did in fact wind up having dinner with my folks, something about which I'd been somewhat debating. They took me back home and my dad mostly set up a mirror my mom had gotten me, and they dropped off more curtains, bedding and poked at the cats. Whenever my folks come by, my mom tends to torment/cuddle the cats while Dad putters around and fixes things. Of course, the cats get all wound up from the people being around, so they're not at the cuddly-best, but it works out. Maybe one day I'll have my folks over for dinner or something, and then they'll see the cats as they are. Brats. :)

So there you go. That was Toronto.

P.S. Apparently I fucked up my MA application, so I have to ask one of my profs for ANOTHER fucking letter of recommendation (which would make four, since I lost one of them), and I have to resubmit the application. Since it's not due until February, this won't screw things up for me too badly, but holy fuck could I just get in to do an MA already?

P.P.S. Crap. I forgot.

P.P.P.S. Oh yeah, updated Angry Apostrophe.


Dear Head,

Why are you so fucked up?

Love, me

Why is it that I can say, "I love you," to those who I don't mean it, and when I think I might actually mean it, I can't say it?


Follow my head:

Jen: Thanks. I don't know why this is bothering me so much.
Shawn: A combination of guilt, longing, and loneliness? =/
Jen: But that's just it... I'm not even sure how lonely I actually am right now. I mean, I'm at the point where I don't even care about dating and so on. sure, I'm talking to people, but if it never goes beyond MSN conversations, I'm kinda okay with that.
Shawn: Yeah? Hrm. But it's usually hard with exes, because of how much emotional crap is stored up within us when it comes to them. It's hard to just LOOK at an ex without certain things bubbling to the surface - for me, anyhow.
Jen: See, and yet I think I could look at D and feel nothing at this point.
Shawn: Well, that's probably just a sign about D. =P
Jen: I know I have some weirdness still with E, but I think that's more 'cause I want to fix him. Maybe that's my problem... I want to fix the hurt ones, and so I wind up still attached somewhat.
Shawn: Exactly! It's almost a control thing with me; I THINK that I can make everything all better.
Jen: And yet, D was the one of the three of them that I said "I love you" to. Maybe in some weird way I just felt like it was easier to say it to D 'cause I didn't really feel it.
Shawn: Love is kind of fucked up that way. =P
Shawn: But it makes sense; you've always been very protective of yourself.
Jen: Masrgh.
Because my life isn't unsettled enough, I have decided to add the emotional strife.

I have since decided it was about me, and I don't know what, if anything, I can do to change this situation. I want to, but I don't know. He's full of hurt and anger, and I don't think I can touch that. Even if I were to say to him, "I love you, I want to date you and only you," I don't think that would change things.
I'm very tired. 1 a.m. is *not* a suitable bedtime.

The sad part is that I keep getting in to work at the same time, regardless of whether or not I get up at 7-something or 8-something. Blargh.

Still no new word on the job situation, but I'm applying to everything under the sun -- which reminds me, back off I go to check out monster.ca and workopolis.com. I've applied to a few things that I think could be really good and/or well-suited to me, but we'll see. Joy for uncertainty and no one telling me anything!

Stupid emotions all messy right now. Where the hell did all of this come from? It reminds me of when I was in high school and realized I was still stupid over the ex- (OBL). Not totally the same, but much.

It's weird that someone to whom I never said the words can be so much more in my thoughts than someone to whom I did say the words. Boys and feelings suck.

I think I'm going to try to finish up my Toronto post soon; OFK was saying he was relying on that to be able to remember what happened on what day, so I need to help out his faulty memory. :)

Then... perhaps then I can do some more writing on my various other sites. Not that I have too many or anything. :P


Your blogger code is

B8 d++ t- k++ s u-- f i o++ x+ e+ l+ c-


Thoughts from Toronto (written November 18):

Being in Toronto has taught me that I seem to associate cities with boys. Or rather, two cities to two boys -- Montreal for Moose, Toronto for the ex- (the One Big Love ex-).

I keep looking for familiar places and sights, and not especially finding them, at least, not beyond places like the Eaton Centre or the Atrium at Bay. While in the Atrium, I found the Pickle Barrel at which we used to dine, and, across from it, the used game store where we used to hunt for treasures. I never found much -- their selection was much more console-focused.

There's a lot of nostalgia associated with those boys; I look back and focus on the happier times, rather than the bad. I think of waking up from a nightmare and feeling safe in his arms, rather than the insane UTI I got, my first full week spent visiting.

But, rose-coloured glasses and hindsight have allowed me to also see, rightly or wrongly, that I wasn't always my own person back then. I spent a lot of time following, and not always enough time asserting myself. This is a pattern I seem to fall into fairly regularly -- not being willing to ask the questions, forge the path, by myself.

Or at least, I used to. I think being single has perhaps given me that sense of self -- either that or just being somewhat older and theoretically wiser. I'm not sure, but somewhere along the way I became better able to express my thoughts and emotions, rather than burying them or denying them in quite the same way I used to. Now, I can tell E that I am (well, was) angry at him, and why; now, I could tell ex-J what I thought and felt. Or at least, I can -- and did -- express all of thse things in email (ages ago, calm down). I'm slowly working my way up to face-to-face, and I'm still fairly incapable of saying the stuff I know will hurt someone else.

Those hard truths are the worst ones to try to express for me. I'm so dodgy when it comes to those, it's ridiculous. Not that many of the guys I know are any better, but still... why is it just so tough to tell someone, "I'm not interested in you that way" or "I'm not physically attracted to you," or even, "I don't want to jump into bed repeatedly, so despite our past, I don't want to have sex with you -- also because I'm not physically attracted to you"?

I want to claim it's because I'm too nice, but, well, I don't think I have a single friend who'd describe me as nice or sweet. I try, but in the end, I'm just too honest, and that bothers people. I try not to be outright or deliberately mean, but sometimes "mean" and "honest" are damn close together. Or at least, are read the same way by some people. They don't say that truth hurts for no reason. Or even, there's a reason they say that truth hurts -- for you grammatically-correct sort.

But, on my original point, cities and boyfriends. My hometown is overrun with memories and exes -- fortunately I never seem to run into exes on the street. But I do see locations and remember things, and some days I just *really* wish I could escape all of it, and move somewhere completely new, hell, without telling anyone where I've gone, and just start over.

But... and so the list begins.

Sometimes I just feel like everyone is moving so fast and leaving me behind. I want to be ahead, be on top, be important, be noticed, be known, be respected, be appreciated, be loved. I want to stop hearing about everyone moving away, moving in together, getting married, getting the awesome job, and, for a change, have them talk about me -- and none of this bullshit, "OMG, she's such a slut, did you hear what she did?!" stuff -- but actual, "Did you hear about Jen? She got published -- isn't that awesome!?" or something. I guess to get published, one has to actually write, huh? Huh.


And that's about the end of that. Btw, new site: The Angry Apostrophe. This is where my writing's going to appear, once I get something up and going that's worth posting, and this way I can dump the original My Novel site.
I have a few blog posts that I've been working on -- I forgot to send one to myself at home, so I wasn't able to complete it over the weekend, not that I spent much time on my computer this weekend anyhow. So, forgive me if what I post winds up being semi-disjointed and full of nonsense.

Oh, wait, how's that any different than what I usually post anyhow? Yeah, shut up.

Man, how sad is it that a meeting is automatically improved, in my opinion, by the addition of the hot policy advisor? So pretty to look at. Also good today? My other two meetings were cancelled. So I get to carry a good feeling about meetings today: positive, only having one out of three. Positive: hot guy to look at at the one meeting I did attend (with *stupid* hair, 'cause it hates me). Positive: I get to act like a momotard today.

So... I think I have a platonic crush on you. It's been weird to figure out, and I'm not entirely sure I do have it figured out. I know I enjoy spending time with you, and I like being around you. I enjoy it when you touch me, but I'm not sure if that's just because I miss physical contact. I want to spend time with you and get to know you better, and I've had inappropriate thoughts (which seems to be the rule for me lately), and yet, I don't feel physically attracted to you. Although who knows what'll happen if this 'crush' continues. I haven't had a crush in awhile, so I can't remember how this goes. I want you to find me attractive, I know that much, but that could just be ego talking.

I think Moose might've been the last crush I had, and even that was different, because it was mutual, and evolved from casual flirting into making out and dating and sexings. Good times, good times, good times. I miss that kind of easy transition.

I lost a bunch of what I'd written here because Blogger annoyed me and I wound up copying something else and losing this text, so... urgh. Let's see what we can dredge up from Friday's post that never got posted:

First, because I haven't screwed up my template in awhile:

How to make a aphroditeishot

3 parts intelligence

3 parts courage

5 parts leadership
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of wisdom and enjoy!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

How to make a jenx

1 part anger

3 parts ambition

3 parts empathy
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of curiosity and enjoy!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

How to make a eiram

5 parts pride

5 parts brilliance

3 parts instinct
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add caring to taste! Do not overindulge!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Today I don't want to do work.

laughing is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

I also had "computers are love," but I didn't want to keep it.

It makes me very sad that there are people in my life who've had a significant impact on it, with whom I can't seem to be friends anymore. I can't seem to maintain a friendship with an ex-, and it's not always because I can't manage it... sometimes it's him, too.

Here, I want to write an open letter to the person I have in mind, and though I don't imagine he'll ever read it, well... pay attention all, I'm going to talk about feelings here.

Dear You,

It makes me sad that we can't seem to be friends. When I talk to you, when I see you, it feels as though you're angry at me, and won't tell me why. I want you to be happy, and I don't know how to manage that. I don't know if me being around would make things better or worse for you, or if you even want me around -- not that it's been a problem lately.

I miss being a part of your life, but when I try to be back in your life, I feel that I'm unwanted. I can sympathize with you being mad at me because we didn't feel the same degrees of things, but... I just wish we could move past that and be friends, if nothing else. I miss you, and I care about you; you've had a much deeper impact on me than other people I thought I loved, and I wish I had the courage to tell you that and explain that in some way.

When did "I love you" become such a difficult phrase for me to say? I can say it to my cats, but to say it to anyone who could respond in kind (in some manner other than licking my face or nuzzling my chin) is the hardest thing for me to say.

I do love you. As it turns out, the feelings I have for you have lasted longer than those for people to whom I have said I love you. Isn't irony funny?

And for the record... there have been a number of times I wished you and I could've worked out. I'm just sorry we couldn't.


Okay, I'm too lazy to do this nicely, so you just get to see a link. This is basically what it's like when I want to use the computer a lot of the time... except Venus is often on the keyboard, with her little nose in the screen... and Thena's tail is obscuring the screen more often than not.

But it's a pretty good indication of living with my spoiled rotten girls. :)


I do have a big post in the works, but I don't feel like working on it just yet. In the meantime -- is there an easy way to ask someone who's just a friend if you can kiss them? Not in the interest of starting anything, just out of curiousity and because it's been awhile since you've kissed anyone?

There's already a level of comfort, and an understanding that nothing would happen because of the friendship, and I don't want to change that; I just want to kiss.


Mean is your friend -- very smoothly, I must say -- taking your wrists and pinning them and you up against a wall with just the right amount of pressure.


I am at work and I feel very very tense and stressed out for reasons I can't quite name.

Maybe because I have to go and ask my boss if a) I will still have a job in a month and b) if I can get paid for the week I was off last week, but it feels like there is pending doom.



I am back.

After some initial craziness on the parts of the cats, they seem to have settled down. Thena is currently conked out on my bed, and Venus is probably creating havoc somewhere; or she's on the kitchen table. Who knows?

Anyhow, good times were had, it was nice to get away, some feelings were stirred up/questioned, and perhaps I will actually explain that in further detail later. Maybe. I did wind up discussing it a bit last night, late at night and in the dark... perfect time to get almost anything out of me -- when it's late and it's dark and I'm feeling relaxed and cozy, I tend to be much more likely to talk about my feelings. Otherwise -- I'm a closed book, baby!

I didn't really take a lot of pictures while there, just 'cause there didn't seem to be a lot of things I wanted to photograph. Mostly I took pics at the Zoo until my batteries/camera gave out, and so there are lots of pictures of monkeys and so on to share later. I really need to clean up the galleries on my site... urgh. I want to take time off from life in order to do all those other things I want.

I don't have to work at the station tomorrow, so that's nice. That means I have lots of time for lounging and maybe some socializing and so on... maybe I can mooch some more backrubs out of JJ; damn his strong fingers, I've been spoiled for backrubs for life!

And damn my brain for the dirty ways it works... I really gotta find someone. That'd help the random (misdirected?) dirty thoughts and lonely/nostalgic shit.


Well, I've finally found out why there's so often pieces of the adult cat food in the water dishes; Venus fishes the last few pieces out of the dish and runs around with them, playing with them, before she eats them.

My cats are wack jobs.


More short tales of my cats:

Venus is my computer kitten. Pretty much anytime I'm on the computer, she wants to be in my way -- on my lap on rare, happy occasions, usually seated on her back, propped up against one of my arms so she can watch the screen; more often than not, wandering about the desk itself, sometimes conversing with the fish, and so on.

She also enjoys licking the monitor.

I've seen her do this to my television, too, but it's most common with the monitor.

And earlier, my pyjama pants, but usually, it's my computer monitor.

Not a weird cat at all.


Venus is stalking my cereal as I eat it.

She managed to slay a Cheerio.

There'll be no end to her gloating now.


This morning I found Thena on top of the fridge.

Just a moment of my life, for you.


Well, experience, gut and paranoia all tell me that that evening isn't going to be repeated.

One day, I will meet someone, and we will go out for four dates, and it will be magical and wondrous.
I need to cut back on the muffins in the mornings (too much sugar?):

Shawn: And for a second there I thought you were trying to TELL me something about my OWN love life - or lack thereof! =D
Jen: Oh, the comic I sent? :)
Shawn: [Auto Response] I'm away right now.
Shawn: Yup!
Shawn: It was amusing.
Shawn: Much like so many LiveJournals.
Jen: Did you laugh? Oh hohohoh and so on?
Shawn: Yes, I laughed like Jabba the Hutt.
Shawn: WITH WHOM?!
Jen: the PROFESSOR... of goodness
Jen: Here is a sort of picture of him...
Jen: I am a Google stalker!!!!
Shawn: God bless Google.
Shawn: Wow, he's like a fucking CELEBRITY.
Jen: *laugh*
Shawn: He looks like Val Kilmer, mixed with a Backstreet Boy. Or something.
Jen: Val Kilmer is hot... and yeah, in that pic he kinda does.
Jen: But keep your backstreet boys outta my date!
Shawn: I can picture him signing autographs, is all. =)
Shawn: I can't!
Jen: *laugh*
Shawn: They penetrate every single aspect of my life.
Shawn: And I mean EVERY.
Jen: And EVERY orifice of your life?!!?!?
Jen: (From a message to someone else, 'cause I am a whore and love more people than you!: when I told the prof that I box and can beat him up, he said good. Boys are WEIRD)
Shawn: Guys are turned on by women that intimidate them.
Shawn: It's just one of those things.
Jen: Yeah, E found it a huge turnon when I teased him and whatnot. Odd, but easy to accomodate. :)
Shawn: Take THAT, prescribed gender roles!
Jen: *laugh*
Jen: Dear Shawn, I love you, love Jen.
Shawn: Yay!
Shawn: I need love today.
Shawn: I hate everything, after all.
Jen: *smears love all over you*
Jen: Well, you *did* work at a porn store...Shawn: A co-worker was complaining about having to use tap water for our kettle.
Shawn: And I was like, "Well, you ARE boiling it..."
Shawn: And she said, "Yeah, that's true. Once you boil it, it - it's boiled. I don't know. What do you think?"
Shawn: It was such a George W. Bush-esque line.
Jen: And then you smeared love all over them?
Oh. Your coworker is stupid.
Shawn: If by "love," you mean 'contempt for her parents for giving BIRTH to her.'
Jen: *laugh* And how easily does that spread?


I have ceded defeat to my cats.

Yes, less than 20 lbs of fur has bested me. I should've realized this was inevitable when Thena made me her bitch after less than a week of "owning" her, but alas, I held out hope that at some point my dominance of the situation would prevail.

I should have realized that adding a second furball into the mix wouldn't exactly "calm" Thena or miraculously turn her into a sweet, adorable kitty who never misbehaves... I should have known that, rather, she now has a partner in crime who can come up with the trouble and mischief that she might've overlooked the first time around.

To backtrack...

Back at my first apartment, Thena discovered the joys that were the plug for the bathroom sink. She would amuse herself, picking it up and trying to take it out of the sink or just batting it around and whatnot. As she got bigger, more aggressive (or at least had more muscle to put behind her aggression) and arguably, smarter, she managed to pull the plug off the chain... which meant that, periodically, I would find the plug in my bedroom or in the kitchen, and I'd have to return it to its rightful place. Not that big a deal.

Then we moved, and I thought the game was over. But alas, I was to be, once again, woefully incorrect. Instead, within a week or so, my now large-sized (though not yet full-grown) cat was able to remove the plug from the sink and race all about a much larger apartment -- with much better hiding places -- to hide it. It wasn't something she did often, and usually the plug didn't travel particularly far, but every now and then...

Then I got a second kitten. This one was sweet-natured and fairly well-behaved, borderline timid, but still playful. I thought it was her nature, but when she got over the dread disease she had brought into the home... her true nature came out. She is very much a hyper little kitten brat at heart. But no matter. She watched the older cat -- before and after her illness -- and learned.

What she learned was that the sink plug makes for an excellent toy. Oh, it is a fun toy! You can easily pick it up in small cat mouths and run around the hardwood/tile floors with it, and it skitters so nicely on those surfaces, and fits under all the doors so that it can be hid and later retrieved by the tallish, exasperated one. Of course, the nature of the doors and the floors and the tallish, exasperated one is such that sometimes we don't see the sink plug for weeks at at time, but every now and then, when that tallish, exasperated one opens a door, she finds the plug, and she rejoices, and we secretly snicker and chortle to ourselves, because we know that within an hour of her finding it, we can hide it again.

See, about a month ago, the plug was found and it was hidden between some bottles on the bathroom counter. That lasted a few days before they retrieved it and hid it on me again. Then, about a week ago, I found it again -- and this time, I was smart. Or so I thought. This time, I put it in the toothbrush holder that I have -- which consists of a plastic cup with a fitted piece of plastic over it, and the brushes go in holes in this plastic shield. You've all seen it.

I thought I was being so smart. I really, really did think I was.

But what did I find a few nights ago, when I came home? The damn thing was open, in the sink, and the plug was nowhere to be found.


I just stood there, asking everyone and no one, "How did you know?! How did you know!?"

Maybe they could see the plug through the plastic; it's an opaque white in colour, not very difficult to tell that something else was in the cup. Maybe it was just fortune for them -- they knocked over the cup and found the toy inside. Maybe I have Machiavellian cats, I don't know. All I know was, they found it.

But, I found it again, too, and this time I hid it on the other side of the counter, in amongst more little bottles and miscellaneous hair products. Of course, within ten minutes Venus was investigating that portion of the counter, and I've seen her do it at least once since, but I can still hope.

I hope that one day, I will manage to outwit 16lbs of fur, whose combined brain mass isn't equal to that of mine. I hope that I can manage to outwit cats who stare at shadows on the wall and try to attack them, cats who paw at things repeatedly with no real purpose, cats who chase their tails in sink and think an empty toilet paper roll is one of the best toys around.

I hope.


Okay, more time, more updates. Hah, today there are no managers at work, so it's kinda nice; even without that, it's kinda quiet, and that's a nice change of pace. Of course, I left my cross stitch at home, so that sucks, but... I have books, I have the Internet -- somehow, I shouldn't be too bored.

So, Friday with the back-and-forth with the prof. I went to see JJ and N perform at the open mic Friday night, and while we were sitting around chatting, my cell phone started buzzing. I answered, and it was the prof. We chatted for a bit, and he explained that he hadn't been in touch 'cause he'd been having trouble adjusting to the regular day-to-day of having a job and so on (he just finished his PhD in the spring and started teaching in the summer, plus moved twice since he got here). For all I know, he was in a relationship that didn't work out and just didn't want to say so, but... defeatist thinking. I'm trying to focus on the cool factor -- that, despite not having spoken to him in a few weeks (when we talked about going to see the leaves change the same day that E ended things again) and then a few months before that, he's calling and asking me out again. There's something fairly cool going on there.

We agreed we'd go out on Thursday, and he said he was going to call me Tuesday to plan it -- I told him that he had to be careful now, that I had his number, and if he didn't call me Tuesday, I was going to call him Wednesday. :) He said that if he sets a day to call, he calls on that day, so I said I was very glad to hear that, and the call ended. So -- there it stands for now. My new motto is: "one date at a time." I'm trying to keep from thinking beyond Thursday, and just focus on having a good time and so on. It's not like I have much control over whether or not someone wants to keep dating me, but ... *shrug* One date at a time. :)

I have to say, Launchcast is doing me proud today. Lots of good tunes, which is nice. :)

Anyhow, what else? Friday Jamie came over for brownies and movies, after I watched the open mic and hassled OFK. Saturday was a little annoying, in that my mom called at 8:30, then my trainer called less than an hour later, so I was a little tired and cranky (didn't go to bed until after 3:00 a.m.)... OFK and I ran around doing a few minor errands, and as the day wore on I perked up a little. We got together a mini-group and saw The Incredibles that night, then hung out for a bit playing games at JW and AM's place.

The Incredibles... decent film, liked the effects, Pixar is definitely improving with their assorted skills, but overall... I've liked their other movies better, I have to say. I still enjoyed it, but... no laughing out loud like with Shrek 2, for example.

Sunday I trekked up to the big book sale with some friends, and managed to pick up a bunch of books for fairly cheap. I don't have the complete list in my head, but I got about a dozen for under $20. It was a good medley.

When I got home, I got to deal with the smoke alarm, which I've already detailed here... so that was fun. :P I was crabby at the station until partway through the show of death when I talked to the newslady about the professor situation, and then we were trying to come up with date ideas... We wound up coming up with something about going to the War Museum, as it's sure to be open late, and I could dress up in a poppy costume and be very popular that way. I think I'm going to hell for that one. But she laughed a lot too, so... She was in good spirits, so I felt bad that I was so tired and crabby, especially when all the people started calling in to talk about the Northern Lights and I didn't feel like dealing with that. :)

On the way home, I did manage to see the Lights, though probably fairly faintly. Still enough to be able to see them, but not bright enough for the pictures I took to actually work. I just wound up with screens of blackness, with the occasional street light captured for difference. :P

I'll be getting my hair cut on Saturday, and I'm looking forward to that. I may also get my nails done sometime this week, although that does kinda fall under the "Do I *really* need to do this? Not really" category. :P But it would stop the nailbiting... urgh. Stupid bad habits, stupid vanity.

I'm glad the work day's almost over. At least, it's almost over now at 4, when I finally post this. :)


So deaf right now -- got home from the book sale to find the smoke detector going off without cause, and had to trip breakers and leave them off to keep it from continuing. Then had to find the cats.

Thena had become one with the couch (her hiding spot of choice), and only emerged when I opened it up to try to determine if there actually was a cat under there (and managed to find the sink plug again, let's see if I can keep it longer than a week this time -- damn cats figuring out my hiding place for it), and Venus had gotten inside my closet, her hiding place of choice. Pretty cool that she got out on her own, too. She's getting to be a big tough one. :)

On the way to the book sale, I'd seen a cat outside that was basically the same size as Venus and a near-match for her too, except for a Hershey kiss of white in its chest, and a slightly shorter-length coat. Thena's orange and white friend also came back this morning, so I wound up not letting her out... I figured it would be a bad idea to send my kitty out in that circumstance when I was in the shower and unable to help/rescue her.

Urgh. Now that I'm deaf and still tired, it's a great time to go to work at the radio station. I didn't need my ears, right?
So, I need date suggestions -- I usually can't seem to get much beyond dinner and a movie.

I figure I'll check the alternative papers and see what comes up there, I've thought of pool and bowling... anyone?


Margh. I want a nap.

Okay, so, update. Today's been a weird day -- I thought it was going to be a bad one, to be honest.

Last night, I was stuck semi-late at work, finishing things up, and making sure speeches were as far along as they could be before it was time to go. I got a phone call announcing impromptu dinner plans, so I decided to join in on that. NV and I waited near the department store to pick up S and Markuk, and as I was staring out the windshield, who did I espy but Ben, wandering past. I shouted out an 'Oi!' and he came over to say hi before continuing on his way.

We went to a bistro in the fancier part of town, and we all enjoyed a really good meal. After dinner was over, NV (male N) and Markuk decided to spend time trying to throw the dried peas (serving as holders for the flowers on the table) down my shirt, after NV started dropping them in my water. Then it was on to lobbing ice cubes at me, and trying to get those down my shirt... my friends are so kind.

I got dropped off at home, was sick for the evening, then went to bed. This morning is when it gets... different.

So, I overslept (story of my life when I let it be), then on my way to check for mail (which I didn't do last night), I skidded on the downward-sloping driveway beside my apartment, and scraped my knee. Fortunately, my jeans were okay, but my knee hurt. I didn't do too much damage to it, but it still was deep enough to bleed and require some bandaging.

On my way out the door this morning, I check my cell phone and noticed I'd received a text message from an unrecognized number at midnight, asking, "How come I never hear from you?" So I replied with, "Because I have no idea who you are." I got to work, and a little later got, "Sorry, it's [professor]." !!!

So I replied, saying, "I had lost your number - I sent an email to your work, but you never replied." In response, he sent, "Never got it, call you later! Have a good day." I said something in reply about him actually calling me this time, and that's been it. So... cool. Mind you, every time I pretty much figure I won't hear from this guy, I do -- nice timing.

Then, once I got into work and finished telling Shawn the minor excitement that is my life, I wound up in conversation with Ben for awhile, with some very extended explanations and admissions of frustrations -- on both sides, of which I was unaware -- and some tentative plans to get together in the near future. Nothing set in stone, but it's a step in the right direction, I presume. We also discussed Moose, and the lack of contact there's been in that direction and some of my concerns there... urgh.

Today was fairly busy through the morning, then it slowed to a crawl/halt for the afternoon. Actually, it's been essentially dead and now I finally get to go. I'm going to escape before that changes... later. :)


How your computer cleans up your desktop for you.

Very long, involved dream last night. Will try to recount it later. Also, Thena really seems to like my tanning lotion -- either that, or she was just feeling very affectionate last night and this morning.


Thena's taken to being weird lately. Okay, so this isn't new, but... some mornings, if I'm not careful, she jumps up on my back as I step out of the shower, wrapped in my towel, and starts clawing at the towel. It doesn't hurt me, because she doesn't get through the towel -- and I don't let her -- but it's not exactly a behaviour I want to encourage, either. Not to mention, when she's got her back claws in my back, that doesn't exactly tickle.

But that's not the weird behaviour. Oh no -- her newest thing is to jump, from the ground, onto my back -- but not up on my shoulders or anything quite so fancy. This is almost as if she's trying to piggy-back me, so I wind up having to put one of my arms behind my back to support her butt until I can get someplace where I can actually set her down. I think maybe this is 'cause I haven't been cuddling her as soon as I get home like I usually do, but... maybe she's just a weird cat.

I watched a bunch of the election coverage with some of my friends last night, and although we are politically inclined, you wouldn't have known it from our conversation last night -- it mostly consisted of us mocking everyone who appeared on screen. We primarily trashed the reporters (where *did* they get those scary-looking people?!), but we were also amazed at the really poor camerawork on one of the channels -- NBC? I can't remember.

I can't speak for everyone else, but I enjoyed the Daily Show's coverage. Samantha Bee's piece of trying to ask people for personal information was hilarious, Rob Cordry's talk about how "the voting booth curtain gave him genital warts" was great, and that hour just flew by. After waiting 2 hours to see the show, it sucked that it was over so soon, but worth the wait -- the Reverend Al Sharpton and the other politician he had on (whose name escapes me) were entertaining as hell, too. I like that Jon Stewart's guests seem to have a good sense of humour, and have fun with the show and the host.

Today I am tired, not feeling 100%, and I want to go home and sleep and cross stitch. I don't know if I can get away with doing it, but I want to try. :) I also want people to realize that there is more than one good writer in the world, and maybe shake themselves loose of the old boys' network.

Writing loose always looks weird to me now that I've seen so many people who can't tell the difference between it and lose. I remember having an argument with my best friend when I younger about the difference between loose and lose. I was right. :D

And in my on-going writing about various people in my life without actually identifying them, I present the following:

I miss you, you know. I miss your company, your sense of humour, your presence, and just hanging out with you. It's funny that you're still under my skin, no matter how many times we revisit the same territory, and I know that things wouldn't work out and I'm not trying to make that happen, but... it's funny that you've found a mushy spot in me and have kept it for yourself, whether or not you actually know about it. I want to cuddle with you, even if nothing else were to take place.


I miss hanging out with you. De-hermit yourself, and/or remember your friends (me?), and realize that I'd like to hang out with you, one-on-one.


On another note, I've posted a minor intro to my NaNoWriMo site, so you can start checking it out and reading it religiously.
I was going to write a Whore's Boudoir article about the difficulties of balancing relationships and friendships, and make it a semi-pointed thing geared towards a few friends of mine who seem to forget about the majority of their friends when they wind up in a new relationship and only focus on the bf/gf's friends, or just each other, but I decided that might be somewhat immature and/or passive-aggressive at this point.

I'd been running an experiment of sorts -- trying to see how long it took people to get back in touch with me or call me up and ask me if I wanted to hang out, now that they're in a relationship -- but at this point... I don't know. The friendship is missed, but this end of it is also somewhat peeved, as is at least one other person, when standard plans get changed and only some people are informed of the change.

Granted, I'm sure some people who suggest that I make first contact and so on, but... I don't know. I feel as though a friendship should be two-sided, and it shouldn't always be me having to do the reaching out to others, especially if there doesn't happen to be a return effort. Hell, one of my friends moved in with the new sweetie, and I don't have the new phone number -- or the book I lent this friend, once upon a time -- or any real way to get in touch with the friend, aside from an email address, to which I sent email and never got a reply.

Fuck. Christmas music just turned up on my Launchcast playlist. Christmas rage this early? Well, I did see that Sears had its "holiday" (i.e., Christmas) garland up before Hallowe'en... how long before we just have year-long Christmas? Urgh.

Anyhow... I'm not trying to say that if someone gets in a relationship, they need to spend as much time as they used to with their friends. It's just that, regardless of how perfect things may be/seem, there are still times that you and your SO might want to be apart -- or have to be apart -- and your friends are often more permanent than your SOs are. Hell, look at the guys that have come and gone in my life -- none of them have hung around the 10+ years that some of my friends have.

I think that friendships, like relationships, go in two directions, and sometimes it's the other side that has to make a bit of the effort, too.

Then again, maybe people just no longer want to be my friend, I don't know.