I am fundamentally, without a doubt, a selfish and immature person.

Why do I suspect that several ex-boyfriends across the city just felt a sense of profound clarity and relief and aren’t entirely certain why?

No matter. I fight constantly to overcome my base instincts, which are to do what’s best for me or what I want, regardless of whether or not it’s actually best for someone else.

This can mean anything from not going to a movie or other event that a friend or boyfriend really wants to see, but I don’t – a la The Weather Man (I didn’t want to pay $10+ for a movie that was just going to depress the hell out of me) or The March of the Penguins (which I’d already seen and cried during, and didn’t want to watch and cry in front of the boyfriend, thereby giving him reason to mock me – ‘cause yes, pretty much every time someone sees me cry during an animal movie, I get made fun of for it – thank you complexes!) – or what-have-you.

This also manifests itself in how I interact with my friends. I have a few different circles of friends, and it’s common for those circles to socialize in big groups, or smaller, more intimate ones. Depending on my mood, I prefer one or the other method of socializing. Sometimes being in a big group stresses or taxes me, and I’ll isolate myself a bit. When the dynamics of the group change from what I’m used to, I’ll also tend to back off.

In one particular circle, it’s becoming more and more common for pockets of people to socialize. Sometimes it’s a single person being invited to hang out with a couple, sometimes it’s a double couple date, sometimes it’s half the group, whatever. But sometimes I feel left out when I hear stories of person X regularly socializing with couple Y, when I’ve almost never been invited to socialize with couple Y and would like to. Sometimes I feel left out that I’ve never really bonded strongly with one or two people in the group that aren’t already bonded to another. Then again, I haven’t been in the group as long, and the bonds I’ve made have changed through the time I’ve been with the group. And really, who cares if I don’t have one person all just for me? That’s a very elementary school mentality. Really, would I rather have one bestest-above-all friend, or a bunch of really awesome friends I can draw on at different times? I feel very fortunate to be in the latter category… just sometimes I get to feeling insecure, which I know comes as a real surprise to the rest of you.

And hey, at least I’m welcomed and my company is enjoyed as a general rule. Maybe if I hurried up and finished those presents I’ve been working on or sitting on forever, people would like me more. ;)

There are situations in which I’m used to a certain set group of people, and I look forward to that group socializing, and I’m comfortable with those people, because I know how they will act or interact. When that dynamic changes, it takes some getting used to for me, and sometimes I don’t enjoy myself nearly as much. There is precedent for some of this – a person visiting from out of town took it upon himself to start implying that I was trampy or promiscuous, which is a hot button to begin with, and really put me in a cranky mood for a good chunk of the rest of the evening (which I’m sure went over so well with the GLR’s friends that I was meeting for the first time that night).

But how do you politely ask someone who is relatively new to a particular social engagement to not ask others to join? I don’t have the right – this person is the SO of one of the main regulars, and she has as much right to expand the crowd as I do. And no, I don’t ultimately have a problem with the people she invites, and it’s not as though we retire to my place to socialize afterwards, so again, no leg on which to stand. But really, I look forward to my small group of hanging outs, I like being able to actually have a conversation with a small crowd, and not have to yell to be heard or whatever.

And then there are the people who get upset because they don’t receive a gilded invitation to these hang outs. Well, I’ve invited people in the past who didn’t come for whatever reasons, but it’s not as though these evenings are secret or invite-only… so suddenly I’m right back where I started, and not making much sense.

Then it all goes to shit when Ben is back in town, and what I’d love is to spend some time with him, one-on-one, and I’m led to believe that that might be what’s happening, or it’s a small group hangout, and then it turns out to be 20+ people and I get to say hi and that’s about it. Of course, that was partly my fault for getting drunk, but it’s not as though I’d have had much chance to talk to him a great deal anyways.

*sigh* I’m just full of complaining. I’m not great with change, I’m not usually great with large crowds, and I get thrown when that to which I’m accustomed changes, or people are brought in that I don’t know very well or maybe don’t like. Maybe I just miss the days when it was 4-8 of us who would get together for a dinner, have some ridiculous conversation, and actually get to talk and hear one another… instead of these hangouts where there are huge numbers of people, and no one can hear anyone else, and it’s not my crowd anymore.

Maybe I just need sleep.


So, time for life updates. I got through my readings the other night and presented them in class yesterday morning. Because I’m a flaming tool, I was up until 2 a.m. writing a very crappy analysis of the readings, and then I had to get up bright and early the next morning to run down to the Grand and Toy to pick up ink for my printer. I splurged and bought replacements for the colour cartridges as well, and I’m lucky I did – I’m not sure if my printer would have actually printed were those not replaced. My printer is a cranky bitch, but I love it because it’s so pretty and nice. Kinda like my cats.

The last few days I’ve been running on nothing but caffeine, and contrary to my usual pattern, where I’m crashing at the end of the day, I’ve been super-wired by the time I leave for home. I laid down last night to try to take a nap, and I think I might’ve, but I couldn’t tell, which was very weird. Everything was simply spinning, and nothing would shut down. So I got up, grabbed some dinner, then headed over to the Newf’s place for our planned talk.

Some of you may know this, because I’ve been talking about it for a bit, but the Newf and I were heading for a parting of ways, and it was formalized last night. Apparently he’d thought of doing it on Saturday, I know I’ve been thinking about it or trying to do it for a little while now, and so it finally happened. The conversation went fairly smoothly, and it marks the second mutual breakup I’ve had (the last being the runner), and we both said we really enjoy hanging out with one another and will continue to do so. Then we both said that we’ve said that in the past and not meant it, but this time we actually did. :)

The runner had called me when I was in Indiana, and then again earlier this week. I finally got around to calling him last night, and we both did a quick life update. When we’d broken up, we both said we’d met other people. He asked me last night what I’d been doing, so I said that I’d just broken up with the boy. He said he wasn’t going to ask what the story was – I didn’t know if it was a politeness thing, or didn’t want to seem like he was fishing, or what... though with the way the rest of the conversation went, I think I know why. He didn’t mention anything about his girl situation, so I can only assume it didn’t pan out.

He asked what my plans were for the rest of the evening, and I said that a friend was coming over to watch CSI (which was true). He then said he didn’t want to screw up any potential date thing (or something to that effect), but that if I hadn’t been entertaining, he’d have suggested he could come over and watch the show with me… but didn’t want to screw up any cuddling that might go on. I joked that it’d be nice to get cuddled from both sides, but he didn’t go for that.

So I’m thinking that I missed out on or passed up on a booty call opportunity, which is both amusing and, well, amusing, really. Maybe now’s the time for me to go making booty calls to all of my exes, and really live life up, naught-style!

Markuk and I are in discussions for me to travel out to Vancouver and visit him across a weekend; before the Newf and I broke up, GLR suggested I could sleep with him. I said I hadn’t, and no offence, Markuk, but wasn’t too interested in doing so, and then told him that contrary to his belief, I don’t spend all of my time flat on my back with my legs wide open, hollering, “Come and get it!” to every guy who passes through my life. I also reminded him that he gets (and apparently turns down) many more offers for sex than I do in a given day, week or even month, and he repeated his shock at this equation.

I like the boy, I do, but sometimes… sometimes I’m not sure he realizes just how his comments make me feel. There’s often an element of truth in humour (although I do try to keep my harassing to subjects that someone should know are patently untrue), and his jokes or suspicions that I should or have slept with this person or that one bother me, which I’ve told him before. I’m wondering if maybe I should provide him with a list of my past partners, just to hopefully end this for good.

I also learned that his coworkers thought my ‘friend’ (actually my sister) was cute and that he should date her. Then when they found out she was my sister, they said he should date her anyways; I fear the reasons why.

I had a brief chat last night with Ben. Last weekend I was hanging around the house thinking that I miss him, and that it would’ve been a perfect day to hang out with him, and it seems he’s missing folks out this way, too. I know he’s not that far away, and that friendships have survived worse, and that he and I have gone through stretches without talking and then stretches with lots of talking, but… I don’t know. People move away, they form new lives – as to be expected – and then sometimes you grow apart and any conversations you have are in passing, and brief, and of the “so, fill me in on the last six years of your life!” kind, which I absolutely hate. It’s like running into people from high school – “so, what are you doing with yourself now?” Urgh. It’s much nicer when you chat regularly and can do updates that way.

Sorry, feeling pessimistic and nonsensical right now. I blame the exhaustion. I do have a piece I was working on about friendship that I want to finish and post soon, and I will, I promise. Maybe I’ll do some more writing tomorrow.

I’ve also started up the story I was writing a few years ago and I’m going to try to make another go of it. It’ll incorporate elements of what was previously written, and I have some ideas for where to take it. According to GLR, when I finish it, we’ll be married and he’ll already be a famous author and can use his connections to help get my novel looked at. I kept telling him I wouldn’t be going through the same publishing house as him, and I probably wouldn’t be taking on anyone’s last name when I get married. I’m not 100% on that, but I like my last name, and the longer I have it, the more meaning it has for me. My sister and I are the last bearers of this last name, and it’s depressing to think of it disappearing, not to mention that unlike many, it won’t work as a middle or first name for some kid, assuming I have any.

Of my girlfriends who’ve married, only one has kept her last name. I have no problem with women changing their last names, and I can see arguments in favour of it. But for me at least, especially as I continue in a career, my surname is a part of that (which is an argument I’ve heard my boss use). I don’t know, maybe if I get married my opinions will change, but I’ll deal with that when and if it ever happens.
It's often the title that provides the best punchline with Overheard in New York and Overheard in the Office (I got really excited the few times I've seen quotes from my city):

During an Office Fire, Some Employees Will Run Directly into the Flames


Coworker #1: Where are we supposed to meet for the tornado drill?
Coworker #2: Beth* said that we can just stay at our desks because we're already in the basement. She'll come around and do a head count.
Coworker #1: So we don't have to go outside, then?
Coworker #2: Um... no.

7000 Portage Road
Kalamazoo, Michigan

Overheard by: Snark Monster


Huh. (Actual post later).

What Is Your Role In A Relationship? (Male and Female, detailed results with Anime Pics!)

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You are Insecure

You often find it hard to believe you are worthy of the love and attention given to you by your partner, and always worry he/she could do much better than you.

Your insecurity sometimes leads you to pushing people away, or holding on too tightly. Either way, your relationships often end in tears.

Maybe you had your heart broken in the past, or have a low self-esteem - whatever the reasons are, you struggle to see what other people see in you. Some people will find this frustrating, but there will be someone out there who will delight in telling you just how fab you really are until you start to believe it yourself.

Most compatible with: The Hopeless Romantic

The Romantic will never tire of telling you how much they love you, and you will never tire of hearing it! You need someone who will give you constant reassurance, who will be prepared to make grand romantic gestures whenever you are feeling particularly insecure and will stand by you if you push or pull on them. The Romantic will do all these things and some, always making sure you know that you are the only one they could ever want.

Least compatible with: The Free Spirit

The Free Spirit won't ever show you their affection in ways obvious enough for you. You would feel constantly on edge as they flitted from one place to the next, not really caring if you followed or not. They would give you enough of a taste to tempt you, but none of the follow through and security you desire.

Your song is: Let That Be Enough, Switchfoot

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It's hard to have a conversation with someone when you can't seem to get face-to-face time with them.

I've been starving these last two days, despite eating a fairly copious amount of food each day. I've also been fairly jittery, but at least today I can blame that on a decent intake of caffeine.

I just want to get everything resolved.


Apparently my hormones are messing with my head. I just had a brief flash of, "wow, I'd like to have a baby." Frightening.

Consideration is being given to moving into an estate home in one of the monied parts of town with a number of other people. There's a chance I'd have to play bitchy mom, keeping people in line about rent and other bills, but not necessarily. Stefan has a great deal of it planned out, including regular communication/house meetings that keep everyone talking, and things written on paper that will help keep us all agreed to certain terms and conditions. The fact that there's also 3 kitchens and 3 full bathrooms is very encouraging, too. I'm going to be looking at the place tomorrow. The rent isn't going to be a huge savings from what I'm paying now, but the drop in some of the bills will be handy.

I saw Red Eye and Hookwinked on Saturday with M and N. Hoodwinked was okay, and all of the voices that I pegged I was right on -- what a useless skill. Red Eye was pretty good, though we did make fun of it a fair bit, planning what we'd wear for our next flights that would help us in the event of a homicidal maniac trying to attack us. Got a bit more cross stitching done in the afternoon, and spent a bunch of time during the movies and then again on Sunday knitting.

I'm feeling very jittery right now for some reason. Apparently my morning diet Pepsi has hit me harder than usual, which is weird. :P

My sister and I picked up paint supplies at GLR's workplace on Sunday. He was getting (fake?) frustrated with my inability to decide on a colour, but I take no blame for that; it's my mom's dresser, and her guidance on colour was simply "light to medium." So we ended up settling on a light blue colour that I think will look nice. Part of the problem I'm having is trying to envision the poor thing in any other colour than its current yellowy-beige ugliness; my brain is picky about when it's creative.

Friday night I ran around and did some errands with GLR. I finally got new jeans, including two pairs of ultra-low rise jeans that are more flattering than I expected them to be. I also managed to trade in some video games I'll never play, find out I couldn't trade in my bag of books just yet, and find nothing that really struck my fancy in Le Chateau (I have a store credit I want to use sometime this lifetime).

I'm also working on improving my financial situations where possible. Rogers has helped me out a little, my gym is trying to help me out (I hope), and I'm a bit better off (I think) than I thought I was. Still fairly tight, but I'm doing what I can. Cutting back on buying food out of laziness or because of being pressed for time is helping a bit.

I had my first class last week, and it's going to be challenging, but I think good. The prof seems good, and there are only six people in the course, including a girl with whom I had some classes in my undergrad. I have to present our readings next week, partly because I wasn't there to sign up for readings the week before; I really don't mind that it's that early, because then I get it out of the way. This means I actually have to do them and soon, though; I slacked this weekend and I still have to get through a few of the ones from last week, so that's part of today's plan. Apparently reading trashy romance novels (i.e., 'How I Spent My Saturday Afternoon') isn't quite the same. :)


Support one of my best friends by visiting this site, watching, and then voting for his movie:

To Save a Princess.


Four complaints:

1. This new login system that Blogger has incorporated. Why do I have to click on the "sign into Blogger!" to be able to actually sign in to Blogger? Why not just keep the field as it was?

2. Some people should be forced to take a class in writing before they're allowed to send emails or letters to anyone outside of the voices in their heads.

3. I was reading some letters to the editor from a little newspaper (long story how I got there), and there are some crazy old-fashioned people around. One lady feels that women shouldn't work, should be submissive to their husbands and should stay at home to look after the children -- who shouldn't go to school to learn, but should be taught at home. Man, I wish I could be married to her. Of course, she's probably against lesbianism, anyhow.

4. If you have a degree in higher education, congratulations. If you feel the need to sign all of your letters to the editor or government institutions with your Ph.D. letters, I think you might be insecure. If you sign all of your letters to the editor or government institutions with your Ph.D. when your degree is in another field entirely and has absolutely no application to this issue, especially when the issue is in science and your degree is in a particular branch of history, you are misleading people and being an asshole.
Well, last night was fairly exhausting in a good way. The Newf came by and we spent about three hours rearranging more furniture and moving things around and cleaning and I even did a bit of throwing out/recycling of other things.

Previously, my second bedroom was being used for storage. I had my bike in there, my old bed, two dressers, a night table and whatever random crap I felt like stashing in there. There was also a box or two of books that got unpacked and put on the new bookshelf the other day.

Now, that room contains one dresser, three bookcases (the two from the living room moved into that room), my computer desk (no longer on wheels), my printer, and assorted computer-related CDs, etc. (I found the House CDs I burned for Jordan, must remember to bring those tonight if I go for pho), and my craft supplies and bike. The room looks much larger now. The Newf also spent a bit of time turning off all the auto-load applications on my computer, which angered my computer at first, but seems to have made it happier now. Now, I can more quickly start playing games that make me jittery, like ones that have Nazis shooting at me and scaring me.

My bedroom has one dresser in it, and I know the Newf wanted me to put the other in there, but for now I like how it goes. The GLR mentioned that the dresser I moved needs repainting, but since it's Mom's dresser (made by Puppy, my grandfather, if memory serves), I'll need her permission before I do anything. He offered to help, should I decide to do it. My friends are funny.

My spare bed is occupying hallway space, so it'll need to be moved out at some point, and I have a headboard and frame for a single/twin bed if anyone wants it. It's white brass with flowers -- very pretty. I also need to buy a lampshade, some thumbtacks (temporary curtains -- very aware of the lack of curtains now in that room), curtain brackets, if I can brave Ikea again, and some lightbulbs. Or I can just mount the lights my mom gave me from her and dad's previous bedroom arrangement -- I'm just not sure they're really in keeping with the rest of my stuff.

I also need to move around the contents of the dressers a little. The one in my bedroom has tools and other things I don't really need regularly, whereas the other has clothes and empty drawers. I'll figure something out, especially with the third dresser in the closet, and my primary dresser in my bedroom. Indulgence, thy name is apparently Jen.

Anyhow, this isn't a very exciting mind dump for all of you, I know. What can I say? I didn't do much of interest yesterday, although GLR did fill me in on the events of Saturday that are black holes in the recesses of my already-forgetful mind. Apparently I was even more obnoxious than I realized (he claims I announced loudly on a few occasions that he has the hots for Andrea), so I sort of apologize. I'm not especially bothered by anything I said or did, and Stefan said I was fine, so it's all good. GLR says I did keep asking him penny, though, including when he was in the middle of telling me what he was thinking, so I said I must've been goldfishing at that point -- i.e., my memory was resetting every two or three minutes.

Only downside to the apartment renovations is the lack of bed for the kitties to sleep on now. When I woke up this morning, Thena was on my headboard (as is her usual place), and Venus was sleeping on the cardboard boxes from my computer. I'd started breaking them down, but didn't really have any place to put them. Maybe their racing across my bed this morning was their way of punishing me for the rearranging of everything. Damn cats.


Yesterday was a long day. First we had S's baby shower, which segued into an estrofest that basically continued the conversation about pregnancy and babies and child-rearing techniques and pregnancy and babies and and and...

I needed more sleep and I think I was/am a bit PMSy. In the interests of not upsetting anyone (too much self-censoring), I'll move on to the evening activities.

Ben was in town for a very brief visit, and Stefan ended up the lucky host (as he often is). We had a fair sized crowd there, which I wasn't too keen on at first, but once I started drinking the evening improved a lot. I don't use booze to put myself in a good mood, but I think last night I needed the relaxation, and it worked very nicely.

There was pretty much only beer around, so I got to have the leftover vodka to myself (for those who don't know, I can't stand beer, even when I'm drunk). There wasn't any juice to cut the vodka with, so I started out just drinking it straight.

Straight vodka is *vile*.

I was plugging my nose and drinking it, which amused my friends, but seemed to do the trick. Then some of the ladies went to the grocery store and came back with juice for me, so I started having screwdrivers.

There wasn't much vodka (or at least, I didn't think so), so when GLR arrived, we popped down to my apartment so I could come back with supplies. There was barely a shot left in my bottle of vodka (thank you Smooshy, who used to drink it when he couldn't sleep), so I snagged my flask of peach schnapps as well and we went back to Stefan's.

During the course of the evening, I had some great conversation with a few of the ladies (although really, there were only three guys there, so I should probably be more specific) about numbers of guys and girls we've slept with, threesomes (a conversation that had come up at the going-away bar hang-out I threw for Ben), the winkies of a few boys we'd like to forget, and just sex in general.

In addition to that, I flashed my new red Victoria's Secret bra at a few people (just one boob at a time), showed off my stripper dance move, then did the bending at the waist with straight legs move that S mentioned (not the same S as above), and heard someone say something about how I had the ass for the move, talked about my nipples, piercings, and anatomical failings, and all in all had a lot of fun.

GLR took me home, and by the time I was off to bed, I think I was pretty out of it, and slept quite soundly until the morning. Today I kept plugging away at S's shower gift (because, as with everything, I'm not done yet), hit Chapters and DQ with the Newf, and did some arranging in my second bedroom. I set up my new bookcase and filled it completely with books... and I still have tonnes around here. I also have a laundry bag full of books to take to the Book Market, and I'm sure I could fill another if I started culling the collection. I also should return books to my other bookcases, because I know that at least one of them isn't properly filled. However, that'll have to wait a year until I'm motivated again. :P

I need another set of hands to dissemble my bed and hang curtains (for which I think I need brackets from Ikea, so that's another trip when I have money) before I can set that bedroom up properly, but I'm thinking I'll move my computer in there and move a dresser into my main bedroom in the space that my computer desk currently occupies (I have four in all). We'll see when or if that happens, but it might be a nice change.

Finally, Venus and I have a bit of a new game. She brings me her feather on a stick toy, and I take it around the apartment and have her chase it, and then I leave it somewhere. She brings it back to me, not necessarily right away, and we repeat the game. I think I won though, 'cause she hasn't brought it back for awhile -- it's not as though there are a lot of places to hide it, though.

Anyhow, way too late, really need sleep, hope to update more regularly once I get rid of this blasted writer's block/apathy. I'm back in school now (though I missed my first class through misreading the calendar), so you'll get to hear me whinging again about all the reading I have to do. If people let me do it, at least. :P


For those who haven't seen these before, a collection of dumb road signs.

I want to update, but writer's block and other things (minor details, like work), are interfering.

Am I mean?


Sometimes I just look at your lips.


Well, my fears of the flu were apparently unfounded, which is nice. I spent a few days feeling a bit achy and out of sorts, but yesterday I seemed to feel pretty much fine. Even my neck is clearing up or has cleared up (cautiously optimistic here), so that's good news as well.

Stressed about money (when aren't I?) but I have a solution in mind that I hope will work. Maybe. Who knows? Blargh. Well, if I want to increase my credit line limit, I can -- by adding 2.25% interest on the account. *sigh* I might still do it, but that just goes to show I really kinda suck at this money thing. I wonder if I can get my job back at the station?

This weekend would've been wonderful if the weather had been nicer. Friday night I hung out with GLR, and we tried to get some shopping done but were unsuccessful. At least, I was; he got a pair of pants at the GT Boutique. On Saturday I went out to my mom's store with Andrea to pick up supplies for her mitts, and I bought a pattern and some needles for a vest I'm going to make myself -- i.e., add another project that I won't finish on to the pile.

I'm making efforts to finish things though. And I'm trying to think of ways to adjust my money situation; seeing if the gym will put a hold on some of the payments I'm making would be a good start. Also writing them a snotty letter about the money that they didn't take from me would be a good idea, if long overdue. *sigh*

Argh. It sucks to be stressed on your first day back to work after a long weekend. Especially when you didn't sleep well for two nights prior to that. Sunday night I was out at Greg and Madeleine's place, and I decided to play some video games and crash on the couch when I came home -- I'd been washing all the bed clothes, including the mattress pad, and didn't feel like sleeping on the bare mattress. So the cats decided to amuse themselves at my expense all night. Venus kept playing with the garbage can I have behind the television, until I sprayed her at three in the morning, and Thena decided she loved me. That's great, but it's easier to avoid in a bed than a couch, especially when shortly after nine she decided to lay on top of me and stick her whiskers in my face and lick me. Yay.

I also picked up a new phone this weekend. I know that goes against all of my complaints about being broke, but my current phone is starting to wear out, and I got a good deal on this one (for the interested, a Nokia 6103). One advantage to being awake this early -- the websites I want to visit are finally not bogged down for a change.

Argh... this is frustrating. Maybe I should just cancel everything and live like a hermit. *sigh*


Apparently having the flu once this year wasn't enough; I may be coming down with it right now.



I knew this, then I forgot this was on. Fortunately my coworker was buying tickets for a show at his local theatre and it reminded me to check out mine.

Anyways, the Frantics are playing Friday, October 20, at 8:30 p.m. Who wants to go with me!?

Tickets are around $30, with various discounts for various people. Call me if you want to go -- I want to book tickets soon.


Glee! The Music Man is playing at the same place December 14 to 17. Also taking applications for this.