2003/10/30

Apparently I lose the ability to think when I'm "not at my best." I cannot for the life of me think of a particular word that I need to describe a part of the "mythic quest" that I'm trying to illustrate for Richard Adams' Watership Down, and the worst part of it is I can't even think of euphemisms for the word/phrase I want so that I can look it up in a thesaurus.

It would seem (almost started another paragraph there with "apparently") that I was very pale towards the end of the day at work; helped in no small part I'm sure by the fact that I was wearing black, but also that I haven't really been sleeping well at night all week. I also didn't get as much of a nap yesterday as I might otherwise, but I thought I was doing okay. Mind, I've drifted off a bit the last two days again, so maybe not. Stupid female problems, draining all of my energy, sapping my will to live...

Okay, so it's not quite that bad, but it's not fun, either. *mutter* Ah well, one more day, then it's the weekend.

I've played hermit today, and it was nice, but it was also sad, because no one seemed to notice. :( This just proves that no one loves me and no one would get in touch with me if I didn't call them. On that note, I'm back to trying to finish up a few assignments before I go to bed.

2003/10/29

*smacks self* I forgot one key thing. As a follow-up to the Friday night (nearly two weeks ago now) that consisted of me feeling like ass courtesy of my friends... a realization: As a single, sexually-active female who has had some experience with guys and isn't ashamed of it, I represent a threat of sorts. I'm not in a steady relationship, or my boyfriend of choice doesn't stay as such for periods of time that can be measured in years (and as those of you who've followed from the beginning know, that's rarely been my choice). Therefore, I am an unknown, a variable, and "unstable."

Hrm. My brain really has shut off; I had this spelled out much better before. Maybe I need the anger/rant to really be able to articulate it. Anyhow, the short of it: I'm trying to have a long-term relationship. I'd love to have one, with the right person. It's just a matter of finding that right person and having the circumstances be right -- lack of old baggage, lack of other obligations, and so on.
Well, you asked for it...

the big update

Or maybe not. I guess it depends on how into this whole "writing" thing I get.

Well, what has gone on the last while? A fair bit, I just haven't written about it. There's been a bunch of stuff that's happened that I haven't wanted to write here, for one reason or another, so rather than exclude only certain things, I wound up choosing to just exclude it all. I'm sure many of you shed many tears.

Note to self: don't hit escape key while in the Blogger window, else it removes all the text that you've painstakingly (i.e., randomly) put down. Fortunately, control-z is our favourite key stroke.

Anyhow, what has happened? Been out a fair bit with friends and whatnot, various dinners here and there. Got together with an old friend C for Indian food one night last week (Thursday, if you want precision), and wound up having kind of a weird evening. There's nothing like having friends 9 years your senior and to whom you feel not a single lick (no pun intended) of attraction telling you they find you (insert list of complimentary adjectives here) to make you have a *great time.* Especially when they later go on to state that while they're not actively looking for a relationship because they know they're really emotionally needy and such right now, they'd really like to have someone to cuddle and hug and watch movies and make out with.

Jen hears "emotionally needy" and disappears, leaving a humorous dust cloud hanging behind her. Maybe that's selfish and such of me, but ... frankly, I have my own shit to deal with, and I just don't have it in me to be there for someone else, particularly someone who specifically states that there is stuff he can't tell me because he "doesn't really know me that well."

Ben and I touched on this the other night. For the most part, I'll pretty much lay all my cards on the table and let you take a look at 'em. To a certain point; it's been pointed out to me by a number of people now that I'm not as all-disclosing as I think, or that I only reveal what I want to reveal (which in a way is pretty obvious, I know). But when it comes to conversation with someone I consider to be a friend, especially if we're talking about relationships, I'm pretty forth-coming. So when I encounter someone who *doesn't* fully-disclose, well... it throws me. Sure, I understand the principles behind it and I respect it and whatnot, but another part of me just sorta sits there, confused.

The other part of it was that Thursday night I simply wasn't in the right headspace to be a shoulder for someone. I had a bunch of my own shit on my mind, and no real room for someone else's, unfortunately. Especially someone that would only give me little tidbits and then claim not to know me enough, or not want to burden me with the rest. I certainly wasn't about to beg for the stories.

So I felt like a bit of a bitch saying it, but I actually liked the guy I used to know better than this one. We chatted on the phone the following night, and he was driving me nuts, to be honest. Both nights it took me about a solid 20 minutes of saying, "I'm going to go now" -- Saturday it was me saying, "It's past my bedtime, I'm tired" -- for him to let me go... and Saturday on the phone, there was a great deal of pauses between every pair of words, and (seemingly) condescending use of my name to denote displeasure with what I was saying. Drove me *bugnuts.* He kept stating, "I find my emotional response to you *fascinating*" and this and that, and meanwhile I'm thinking, "Okay Shatner, I'm bored of this conversation that consists of you telling me that my current relationship choices "sound lonely" to you, and frankly, I'm *tired* of you saying my name! Stop it!" and other words to that effect.

He later sent me an email apologizing, stating that my choices were not his to judge and such, and I acknowledged it. The other irritating habit he's developed, aside from taking 10 minutes to get a sentence out and claiming he wants to flirt yet getting all condescending with my name when I make a vaguely-suggestive comment, is of prefacing everything he says with, "It's only my opinion, but..." Argh! I called him on it a few times, and finally just flat-out said, "Look, unless you're trying to tell me how I feel or what I think, or how everyone feels, I presume that everything you say is your opinion and therefore treat it as such." He explained that it was a holdover habit from his last relationship, and I understand how those things hang around, but ... argh!

So that was Thursday night. Full of goodness and fun.

Other highlights from the week? A couple of lunches with Heather, which is always cool. She's going to be responsible for part of my Hallowe'en costume, which is just awesome and whatnot. Very much appreciated, and if I get any good pictures of it, I'll post 'em up here.

I also called my trainer today and I'm going back in to see her tomorrow. She's going to kick my butt for me, which is good and scary. *shiver* I'll be whiny for a few days, count on it, I'm sure. :) I'm just trying to get into the habit of eating better and working out, 'cause I'm sick and tired of the doughy grossness that is my body. As I explained to Shawn, I feel a great amount of back fat, and the lower-slung jeans that I wear make the pot that is my belly especially obvious to me. Aren't I sexy-sounding? Bah.

I thought about things I want to do with this site, including maybe moving it to Moveable Type. The only problem is that I don't like to title my entries, and I don't want to be forced into that. Sad, eh? :) Actually, the only problem is that I'm a momotard, and can't learn MT. It scares me.

Argh. I had stories. There were a number of stupid callers on Sunday, but I kinda don't care enough to list them here. The funny one was the 18-20 something year olds (I'm guessing) that called and asked if I wanted to go out for beers with them afterwards. Vaguely amusing.

It's been a pretty decent little bit for socializing, though. Saturday I hung out with my girlfriend A, and she and I turned a coffee break into a tattoo for her and a new piercing for me. This one is an anti-tragus, and it didn't tickle. I think it's because it was done free-form (i.e., no clamp, and I actually prefer the clamp), and it's a pretty thick and sensitive piece of cartilage. Nonetheless, it's there and it's giving me no trouble, aside from still being sore. I'm surprised, but pleased. I loved that one of the things I got told was "don't sleep on it" -- 'cause I have a lot of say in that once I'm unconscious. :)

What else? Monday night Shawn and I got together and watched Beauty and the Beast. I hadn't seen it in years, but I still had all the music memorized. ;) (We had a few of the Disney soundtracks, and I was a fan of many of them). Tuesday Ben and I hit up the Mexi's for tasty food and then the mall for consumery goodness. I picked up a few CDs, and then it was off to the apartment to watch American Pie. I showed Ben an episode of Family Guy; he fell asleep half-way through. Ben amuses me. ;)

After I revived him, we had some conversation about relationships and our friends. I don't feel this is the place to go into a great deal of detail, but there's a friend of mine about whom I am somewhat concerned. As I said to Ben, it's probably because of my mom's conditioning when I was growing up (which, given some of our family history, is perfectly understandable), but I do worry. So... for now, I'll bide my time and keep my mouth shut, but we shall see what happens, and whether I wind up feeling as if things need to be said.

Hrm. People that try to get you to open up to them but won't do the same bug me. Just remembered that -- ties back into the C thing. :P

Anyhow... chatted with my mom and my nanny for a bit this evening. One of my cousins is pregnant (not the one who got married this summer, thank god), and since it's "out of wedlock," my nanny's a bit upset about it. Mom seems cool with it, as is my aunt -- she's really stoked, apparently -- but Nanny's not too pleased. It's too bad, because it'd be awesome if she could get really excited about being a great-grandma, and I think she is, she's just not thrilled about the circumstances. My cousin didn't plan it, and she doesn't want to marry her boyfriend just because of the baby, but I guess it's not been ruled out entirely. I think she's going to make a really good mom, she's just sorta the last one we'd have pegged to be the first mom out of us. :)

I think I just hit my wall, and I still have to make up my bed. Stupid dryers here really suck, so whenever I do laundry my apartment winds up decorated with soggy clothes. Tonight that includes my sheets -- fortunately, I have a second set. They are clean and poorly folded, so I'm glad to have an excuse to unfold them and use them properly. :)

I will end this massive post here, and we shall see what can be done about adding to it, as I recall the billion and one things I've thought about posting the last week and a half and haven't. :) But again, I still update more than the rest of you, so there. :)

2003/10/28

Well, I tried to post this to Meghan's site, but her comments are down. So there; proof that not all math is useless. Or whatever.

2003/10/27

Okay, so here is my "it's really early and I'm tired and have to get ready for work that I feel bleah about attending" update: this was another weekend of weirdness and oddness. I'm very much learning that if you don't take chances, shit doesn't happen -- but when you do take chances, sometimes things can work out. Or at least you get some interesting conversation out of it.

2003/10/25

Weird feeling... I want desperately to write, to the point where I am planning to spend a large chunk of tomorrow doing such, yet I don't (at the moment) want to sit down and update this... and this is where I usually turn to when I want to write. Hrm.

Anyhow, although I kinda assumed it went without saying, I've signed on board again for NaNoWriMo. I think I might kinda sorta not really have some ideas for it this year, and hopefully the lack of official school committment will mean that I will have more time and more available muse to carry it through. Last year November turned into a busy month, if I remember correctly.

So, I seem to have sorted out my uncertain situation. Still some discourteousness involved (at least, from my perspective), but what can I do? Not much, s'all good.

I will update this site more fully tomorrow; at the very least, provide a run-down of the social week and some random thoughts and such. For now though, I'm carting myself off to bed -- something I'd originally said I was going to do an hour ago.

And yes Shawn, this is now going to look like I updated my site fifteen billion times tomorrow, 'cause I'm posting after midnight on Friday night. :)

2003/10/24

Updated Whore's Boudoir.
Links from Dave Barry I have to share.

First, the gun-toting tricyclist.

Then, awesome ad copy for a stapler (kinda refers to Office Space, if you recall -- Milton wanted his red stapler back, which Swingline didn't make at the time, it was spray-painted red).

2003/10/23

*checks the imood list for "fed up with men"*
Bandwagon: Blogger code: B7 d- t- k++ s u-- f+ i o++ x e l+ c--

Found courtesy of Meghan.
A post that has two good points, numbers 12 and 13. 12 speaks to the B.J. discussion that's been going on; 13 speaks to something I've been saying for ages.
Men are stupid.

And Markuk, this doesn't just tie into our discussion, although that's a part of it. I think Shawn and Glorg are about the smartest guys I know right now.

And Shawn's stupid 'cause he likes me. So that just leaves Gord. :)

2003/10/22

I have been so fucking horny lately, I'm tempted to just randomly proposition ex-boyfriends until one of them says yes. :P

I've also discovered/postulated that this month is going to be a fun weepy month as far as the period-thing goes; or so it seemed yesterday. I tend to get that way when I'm tired, so that might've been the cause.

My landlord came and replaced my locks, so I'm now able to go in and out through my front door. This fucking *rocks*.

Anyhow, more updates to come, but for now I need a nap. Glord, Shawnathan and I (and whoever else happens to show up) are going to see Lost in Translation tonight. Not because I've been dying to see it, but because I want to see a movie (and Shawn is mean and won't bus out with me to the backwoods of beyond to see Pirates again), and because none of us have seen it and it's supposed to be good. I have the feeling it might be like Rushmore or something, and I'll wind up hating it. We'll see. :P
"The reason for the variations in this experiment is that men are far more stupid than women." Ha!
Late night conversation, TO THE MAX:

Me: FUCK OFF AND DIE ASSMONKEY
Me: Then have sex with me. Woo, sex!
Friend: You don't end your sentences with a space, then a period, then a comma, then another period for good measure, do you?
Friend: I *wish*!
Me: Yeah, i do.
Friend: Besides, you're the hotness.
Me: For fun and hotness.
Me: Oooh... together
Friend: =)
Friend: Stop a-teasin' me, damnit.
Friend: *hard on*
Me: *rofl*
Friend: *to the X-TREEEEMMMM*
Me: Nono, if I were teasing you, I'd tell you what I'd do with a hardon.
Me: Smack it with a frying pan!
Friend: Wow; that's *hot*.
Me: I know :)
Friend: *frying pan*

*extreme satisfaction*
Me: *rofl*
Friend: And with that, I go to bed. To cry. And masturbate.

2003/10/21

Got some more clean-up done on the apartment yesterday. I also tried to kill myself, because no one was around to hang out with. I also blew off my dance class, 'cause of a crick in my neck, bad weather outside, and pure and abject laziness and apathy on my part. But I got a fair bit of Angel watched, so it's all good.

Kill myself? Oh yeah, left the burner on the stove on. For about an hour or more after I finished using it. I'm brilliant.

My morning, so far:

5:30 a.m.: Alarm goes off. I had already woken up shortly prior to this (or so it seemed) for reasons I can no longer recall.
5:31 a.m. -- 6:10 a.m.: Shower, check websites, dry off.
6:11 a.m.: Wrestle into one pair of pantyhose. Discover am big fat cow since last purchase of black pantyhose (in high school, if I remember correctly). Try another pair.
6:13 a.m.: Have crotch issues with pantyhose, but nothing that can't be overcome/dealt with. Apply skirt.
6:15 a.m.: Discover skirt has tear in side. Decide to dry hair and apply sweater, then see if sweater covers hole.
6:19 a.m.: Sweater does not cover hole. Continue making breakfast, attempting to decide if hole is really that obvious (I am a fashionista, it is true).
6:23 a.m.: Decide to sew up hole in skirt. Thanks to unpacking two nights ago, am aware of where sewing supplies (i.e., needle, scissors and embroidery floss, for lack of anything better) reside. Extract sewing supplies, remove skirt, begin to sew.
6:27 a.m.: Wonder why I haven't heard the news on the radio yet. Due to contest thing, no news on the radio. Become somewhat annoyed, due to lack of time gauge now (generally leave as news is finishing or shortly thereafter).
6:32 a.m.: Rush out the door, balancing breakfast precariously on itself as I lock the door and juggle shoe bag and umbrella.
6:33 a.m.: Watch as half of my breakfast (one of the two English muffins) tumbles into the abyss (otherwise known as the dirt driveway) when I open the umbrella.

Despite leaving later than usual and whatnot, I managed to get the same buses I usually do. I think because I was wearing sneakers, I was able to move faster. Is it sad that today's outfit was planned around my new shoes? Am I turning into a girl?

Oh yes, and thunderstorms are great morning weather for skirts. Mind you, once the outer layer of flesh freezes, you're pretty much good to go.

And I've decided I no longer really mind posting from work. Obviously. :) If nothing else, it's a set block of time that I know usually has five minutes for me in it.

Note to self: call my landlord today so I can get the insurance info and bitch him out for his "I'll send someone Monday or Tuesday" to fix the problems at my apartment -- this after he said he'd get it fixed before I moved in, and this "Monday or Tuesday" was actually last week. :P

Of course, his bringing someone by could cut into my nap time. *sigh*

I also need to go through my sock drawer and throw some out. I have way too many, especially considering I'll probably never wear about 1/4 of them.

Okay, now I'm really gone. Maybe if my landlord doesn't get a move on, I'll call him when I wake up in the morning. Heh. :)

2003/10/20

Somehow half of my template code ate itself, so the site seems to look just slightly off to me, despite doing as best of a repair as I could. :P This will simply expedite my plans to modify my template, I guess.
Well, I haven't posted much this week for various reasons. However, there are mini-rants/things I want to share, so it’s time for me to break my self-imposed silence and write away. Plus I’m overdue for an update.

I’ve gotten a fair bit of flak this weekend from different groups of friends about a perceived obsession (on my part) with sex. The comments have ranged from “observations” to some pretty severe chain-yanking – or at least that’s how it seems.

I have a few responses. The first one is that I find it interesting that the people who are bugging me are in long-term relationships and are therefore getting it more than I. As I’ve said, if you were starving and didn’t know where your next meal was coming from, you might talk about food a lot, too.

Then, to contrast – a girlfriend of mine recently asked my advice twice: once for herself, and once on behalf of her roommate, and suggested the roommate and I speak so I can help her out with her sexual inquiry. A coworker asked my advice about a month ago for hum and his wife. I’ve helped out other friends on various occasions. I find it especially frustrating that one of the people giving me a hard time this weekend sure as hell didn’t mind my “sex obsession” when she and her boyfriend wanted to buy sex toys and asked for my help.

Not to mention the people who appreciate my openness about sex when they want to confess their fantasies/kinks/experiences/concerns to someone who’s open-minded, accepting and non-judgmental. But apparently – at least for some of these people – they only appreciate my candour when it suits them, not when it applies to day-to-day conversation.

Then we look at the flip side of this – people who introduce sex topics, then either attribute the subject to me, or get “surprised” when I don’t jump on the subject. Then they accuse me of being sex-obsessed, or having an entire host of sexual kinks that aren’t mine whatsoever – like necrophilia. That comment should resonate with a few people. Or to spell it out more clearly: yes, I like sex beyond the vanilla. No, I don’t think it’s funny when someone else’s bringing up of necrophilia every time we are together in a room full of people gets attributed to me. Hahaha... no. Not funny. Especially not every time.

And for the record? A coworker of mine agrees that I’m not sex-obsessed, because I’ve turned down a number of offers. I could be having a lot more sex than I choose to be, so there you have it. Support from one camp.

See, I may come across as secure and confident or whatever, but in reality, I have a love-hate relationships with my sexuality. I’m not a virgin, and I’m fine with that. I don’t think I’m a better or worse person for being sexually experienced, and I don’t regret most of those experiences.

But I also have a real problem with it being implied or stated outright that I am promiscuous, trampy, or can’t speak of anything beyond sex. It’s an old hot button and it’s faded a lot, but it’s still there and it still upsets me. So needless to say, being told I’m sex-obsessed, particularly by those who were responsible for introducing the subject themselves – is annoying and upsetting.


As is being interrupted or talked over repeatedly, being told that “everything you say that I don’t recognize I attribute to Homestarrunner.com” (as if I can’t say anything odd or unrelated to that website on my own, never mind that many of my other friends and I regularly have nonsensical conversations and I carry that habit over – and this from... well, I’m not trying to point fingers, but let’s just say the subject of conversation that night didn’t waver much into areas of my interest (or outside of programming/RPGs), and I can talk about a hell of a lot more than sex or a website), and speaking of run-on sentences and websites...

Lots of my friends blog. Maybe not from that particular group, but look at my blogroll – about 3/4 of those people are people I call friends in real life. Yes, I write a lot on here. It’s a way for me to excise my frustrations, my muse, and keep in touch with those same friends. I love this as a creative outlet, and there’s no pressure on me to maintain a particular voice, thought, or subject matter. Hell, look at how poorly written this entry is. Yes, sometimes the muse strikes me when I’m not sitting directly in front of a computer – this is why I carry an assortment of notebooks, so I can write down phrases, ideas, or entire posts and not lose them. However, that does not mean that every time I pull out a notebook and start writing, that I’m automatically blogging.

I write other things that don’t appear online. I write stories, I write journal entries, I write rants about friends that I would not post for lack of need or lack of will to hurt others. That said and done, I really don’t appreciate having people chant “blog, blog, blog” at me when I have a pen and notebook in hand, nor do I appreciate not being given the opportunity to explain just what it is I’m doing. This ties back into the being interrupted or talked over, and it also to me denotes a lack of respect on the part of the people involved; denigrating something that is important to me, something that I might possibly like to do as a career, or a secondary job.

Basically this weekend, much of my time spent with my “friends” left me feeling very devalued and disrespected. The night in particular to which I’m obliquely referring, I would have left hours sooner than I had, had I not been awaiting a drive. Instead, I tuned out of the conversation entirely, and basically went to sleep on the floor. I was exhausted, and though one of my friends did apologize in my notebook during the course of the evening, there were one or two in particular that I still felt annoyed with.

I’m pretty tolerant of other peoples’ irritations; there are a number of points on which I was tempted to call a few people, including obsessions they appear to share – weight, being whistled at, being a minority... but I let them speak repeatedly about it, even if I don’t join in to those conversations. In the case of me and sex, I simply join in the conversation and contribute. I’m sorry if I happen to be educated about sex, but I have personal reasons for having learned as much as I have, and I’ve retained that which I’ve learned.

Here endeth the rant.

Rant, rant, rant... I don’t even know if this is going to have any repercussions, but it feels nice to get it out of my system. I certainly didn’t expect the theme to continue with my coworker G, when I went to work on Sunday, but there it was. *sigh* What a nice weekend.

However, there was a positive to the weekend. I did some shopping on Saturday with my mom, and I bought some new sweaters, some new shoes, and a really cheap dresser to keep in my closet. I did some furniture rearranging and setting up on Sunday (although not much), and so my apartment has a minor bit of floor space opened up. I set up my grocery cart, which took a lot more effort than I would have imagined, and I got one garbage bag of things put away in my dresser. Woot for me. :)

I’m going to do my best today to get my clothes put away and maybe get my CDs and some more books put away. Now that I have another bookcase, it needs filling. Some of this stuff has just been waiting too long, and it’s annoying me. I’m tired of apologizing for the state of my apartment. :)

Anyhow, it’s time for me to get back to work. I just wanted to get that typed up and posted while I had some free time.

2003/10/19

I seem to remember having taken this quiz ages ago, and just getting the same result as someone who posted it already. This time, that was not the case:

anuscloud
A bleeding anus cloud, who'd a thunk it. They make
plugs for that, you know.


which rejected character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Now, I can't say I'm fond of the character, but the drawing is pretty cute. :) I've mooched this for now off of Shawn, 'cause he has yet to update. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, considering I fear being the animated .gif part of his update. Which makes sense if you were drinking at his place on Saturday, but not otherwise. And that's okay.

I don't like pictures of me. :P

2003/10/18

Quotes:

"Is this my penis?"

and

"I really thought that I'd be the one swallowing the jelly-cock, but alas it was not to be."
"It's not too late."

Then there were other quotes said, but we can't remember them. A post will follow on here later, whereby I do some mini-ranting about the time spent with people yesterday. Needless to say, hanging out with friends doesn't always leave one feeling good about oneself. Or others.

2003/10/16

Oh, yes. Me? = New tattoo today.

I'd take a picture, but I'm not sure that I'm quite flexible enough. I'll see if I can get someone else to take a pic of it soon, and I'll share the love.

2003/10/15

Demonstrating that I'm not the only one to refer to genitalia as bits....

And in case you ever wanted to know your acronyms, have a link.

2003/10/14

2003/10/13

It feels awfully numb in here.

I have questions, sure, but... I don't know. I think I've been here before, and it's disappointing, but that's about it. Mild disappointment. Maybe some frustration/annoyance.

But otherwise, numb.
The muse, she has returned for now: Whore's Boudoir updated.
Did this weekend actually happen?

2003/10/11

I get a kind of high from literary events. At least ones that I find engaging.

I joined a few friends last night for one of the final writersfest events; this one was a reading of poetry and prose entitled "durty girls." There were some fantastic stories and really engaging performers, and I really enjoyed myself.

I walked home from the event once again, and had all kinds of narrations running through my head -- snippets of things I wanted to write or write about, and as with any creative burst like that, everything seems so perfect and profound. I really need to start carrying one of those mini-tape recorders for moments like that, because my memory for such things is so short.

Afterwards, I came home and had a nice long chat with Shawn on the phone. We talked about personality types and being able to see things in other people; he's a pretty empathic person, and it never ceases to impress me that he can pick up on my mood changes even as I have them.

I thought on my walk home about how I have my standard neutral face that I wear. I wear it when I'm walking around the city, I wear it sometimes when I'm with friends and bothered by something, or when I don't want to give things away. I used to think I had a fairly expressive face; when I was younger (and sometimes even now), I'd watch television and mimic as best I could the facial expressions that I saw. But at the same time, I've developed a bland or guarded face, in order to protect myself.

We talked a bit about self-preservation, too. Sometimes when one is feeling bad, one wants others to pick up on it and ask. Other times, one wants simply to be left alone to mull, to feel, to cope, to brood. Sometimes, one doesn't want someone standing right there to know that he or she is the cause of the pain you're feeling. It's times like these that a bland face comes in handy.

I still remember going to dinner one time with Shawnathan, Glorg and Ben, and I had a sad thought pass through my mind. I felt sad for a brief second or two, and before I had a chance to bury it, Shawn was asking me if I was okay.

Today should be interesting. I'll be seeing D sometime later, then I have the party extravaganza, then I'm off to hang out with another friend. Busy day, hopefully a good one. I woke up at 7:30 this morning, then again at 9:00. That was somewhat annoying, but is probably related to the two and a half hour nap that I had yesterday when I got home from work.

I also talked to Shawn about minor annoyances, and whether or not it was fair of me to be annoyed by them. When I was dating the co-worker, he made me feel like shit for being annoyed about anything, and constantly told me how I should be more tolerant of others and more accepting and blah blah blah. I am all of those things, but sometimes I do get annoyed by things I feel my friends should know.

I want to give examples, but that might point fingers a little too obviously at people, so I don't want to make people feel bad. I just wish sometimes that people could remember the bigger things as well as they seem to remember the minor ones.

Anyhow... I think I am going to head over to the gym. I probably should've gone earlier, but I also probably should've done laundry while I was lazing around here, and it looks like I've done neither. :)

2003/10/10

A little bit of inflation for my stats... I thought that the counter on this page hadn't really moved in awhile, so I checked one of my other tracking programs and did some addition... and sure enough, it was off by about 4000. So at some point, this page crossed 20,000 hits. Thanks guys. :)

2003/10/09

New article up at Whore's Boudoir. Revel in its crappiness.

I spent today spending money. This is good and bad. I bought a bunch more CDs, only one of which was $18.99 -- all the others were $10.99, so that's not so bad. :) I also spent a *whackload* of money at my favourite trashy lingerie store. *sigh* How many corsets is too many?

Today at work was early-morning training, then a communication-oriented meeting. It was funny at the meeting; I kept thinking about how I've been trained to put on these kinds of things. :P We got to build Lego toys and throw a tennis ball around, so that was entertaining.

I also had a great conversation during the lunch hour with a few of my coworkers about religion and religious vs. personal beliefs. Not the kind of talk I expected to have, but at least it was something I enjoyed and could speak about with some form of authority.

Anyhow, after having my nap and doing some very minor cleaning about the apartment, I chatted with an old friend and we geeked out *majorly*. Much talk of Buffy and shared author interests, and it felt really good. Every now and then it's nice to talk to someone who shares your interests, and doesn't ridicule them. :P :)

Tomorrow is massive WritersFest event-taking in (hopefully), and maybe some other plans. At this point, it's up in the air. Saturday is the

GLORG, JACOBINA and SHAWNATHAN EXTRAVAGANZALICIOUSGOODNESS-O-RAMA

at which I must make a command performance. :) All who are around must also attend. That's an order.

For now, I'm off. Stupid early mornings. *sigh* At least they make me appreciate my weekends. :P
Damn. Every now and then it feels fantastic to just geek out extreme. :)
I didn't take my nap last night -- on purpose -- 'cause I had to be up at 5 this morning. I figured if I didn't nap, I'd be able to go to bed early and fall asleep, and I was right. I was in bed by 10:30, and asleep shortly thereafter. Isn't my life exciting?!

*sigh*

Anyhow, I made it to the gym yesterday, which was good. I didn't have much energy, so I didn't push myself too hard, but I still think I got a decent workout in. I had a really early dinner, and then afterwards I got sick, so I just watched some tv (including my brand-new Family Guy episodes... "and just what do you think of THAT, broccoli?!") until I felt better, then headed off.

Perhaps tonight I'll get some cleaning done -- after all, I get off work at 2 today, so I'm sure it won't be a huge problem. :P Eesh, these hours. If this is what being grown-up is all about, I want out.

And speaking of work... I got my paycheque last week for one week's worth of work. I got my paycheque this week for two weeks' worth -- and there's only a $300 difference, and only about a $200 difference in deductions. I'm going to compare paystubs, but this is kinda ass. :P

I finally got my review from the bookstore the other night, which was nice. I still don't have my gift certificate, but hopefully that'll change soon. :P Chatted with female A for awhile last night, as well as Shawn; the conversation with Shawn was kinda pathetic 'cause we were both tired, and I was just plain dumb from a combo of that and working out. :)

I turned the heat down in my apartment a few days ago, and since then I've made efforts to bring it back up, but it's still not quite kicking in. I'm not sure I like this game -- the apartment is either way too warm or just a little cooler than I'd like it to be. Doesn't quite work for me. Well, at least not when it won't turn into warm as soon as I'd like. :P

Today I get to be away from the office from 9-2 'cause of some hugging meeting we're going to. Apparently they did some kind of workplace assessment before I started, and then decided I'm not quite sure what, but my coworkers keep referring to it as a hugging meeting, so that's all I know. My boss said I could go to it and leave at 2, or I could stay until 4 and charge overtime; I figure, since I'm usually off at 3, I'm going to just leave at 2. I'll be lucky to stay awake through it anyhow.

Had a weird dream before I woke up this morning, something about visiting D in rez (which looked nothing like a rez normally looks) and in my dream I got upset about something and started to storm off, and he came back and got me and someone else that was there (who represented one of his friends, but I also knew them) was reassuring me about this and that. I haven't a clue what it all means. Then again, my dreams rarely mean anything whatsoever.

Well, as much as I'd like to keep writing, I really ought to be off. I'm going to be bringing at least one notebook with me today, in addition to my work notebook, so hopefully I'll be able to get some writing done. Although I have the sinking feeling the group will be small enough that I'll have to look like I'm paying attention. Dammit.

2003/10/07

*grin* Awesomeness. My two "confidential to:" messages got posted on the site I sent them to. Of course, I don't really want to give the link to the site, lest someone find them and figure them out (I didn't make too many efforts to hide them), but I'll start by saying that I link to the site off here.

Beyond that, it's up to you to find 'em.

I dropped by my old (/current) workplace today to pick up some stuff, and one of the first things my ex-coworker, J, asks me: "So, you gettin' any yet?" He makes me laugh. :)

I got my first and second season of Family Guy in the mail today, so I have lots of DVD-watching ahead of me. Momotard that I am, I managed to forget to bring the Buffy DVDs and the Angel episode that my dad taped home with me the other day. :P However, I'll be home for Thanksgiving, so I plan to get them then. If I remember.
No love for Jen today... :(

Doing my usual lunch-time phone calling isn't working out. No love for me. :(

Ah well... I realized the other day when I was in the shower that I have a funny habit, and it made me wonder how many of us have these little pecularities of which we're unaware.

Basically, when I'm washing myself off, I put one leg up on the edge of the tub and scrub it down, then put it on the floor and rock back and forth once in each direction before raising the other leg to wash it. I think of it as being somewhat akin to a cat or dog circling before it lies down; weird, but it's what happens. :)

I'm allowed to say it's weird when it's me. :)

Last night I blew off my dance class (yes, I am going to Hell) and caught Once Upon a Time in Mexico with Ben. He's got some points written about it (well, about a commercial we saw before it) on his site. The movie... well, the movie was okay. I've seen better, I've seen worse. Johnny Depp was quite good in it, but there were some scenes of gore and such that I thought were rather unnecessary. *shudder*

Anyhow, after that I gave A a shout on my cell and chatted with her on my walk home, then spent the evening trying to tweak the Whore's Boudoir. I've been having issues with the archives, and I wanted to try to update them before it got to be too long... then I realized I hadn't updated them since May, so it was really time to get working on them.

I wasn't able to get what I wanted done, but I did tweak the template and I'm happy with how it turned out, more or less. I'm trying to figure out how to move the Blogger banner that's there; I want it above all the other banners, but can't seem to find the point in the code that would do so... especially when the banner doesn't display in preview mode, so I can't tell if I've moved it or not. :P

I think I really need to, once and for all, teach myself or take a course in HTML so that I can just hardcode myself a site from scratch and move away from the pre-constructed templates and whatnot. However, I am proud of myself for figuring out a few bits of the new code that I used, allowing myself to make the template do what I wanted. I'm good. :)

What else? Not too much. Finished up one of the books that N lent me, the first Anita Blake, vampire hunter book. It was interesting; very much darker in tone than the Charlaine Harris books I lent her, and in a way made me want to reread them (something I've been meaning to do for awhile anyhow). I am curious to read the next book in the series to see how the tone changes, if at all.

Tonight's going to be pretty busy. I'm going home, doing some hardcore napping, going to the gym, meeting up with Big A (male friend), then meeting up with someone else later. Don't know what any of the plans are, but they're for hardcore socialization, and that's cool. :)

Shawn and Glorg are having a housewarming party on Saturday, so I'll be attending that, although something tells me I have something else planned on Saturday. Not sure what, though. :P

I also have to make sure I get out to WritersFest some more this week; I'm trying not to look at the schedule for the last few days, 'cause I'm sure I'll have missed out on something good. I know there's a dirty gurls bit that S and I will be attending, at the very least.

Anyways, back to work for I. I'm working on a new piece for the WB, so hopefully some peace and quiet will help me finish that later. That and my muse, which appears to have abandoned me. :P I wonder where I put that dirty necklace of mine?

2003/10/06

Yesterday I got out to the homestead and had some dinner with the folks. I gave Digger a good rubdown, and my dad told me that every now and then he wanders around at night, crying, looking for my sister and I. I feel guilty. :( Yet he doesn't seem to care one way or the other when I show up... although he definitely appreciates the loving. :)

I also wound up taking a bunch more stuff from home into the apartment, which is nice and annoying. Just when I'd made some progress, there they go filling up again. :P My mom was sorta taking pokes at me for "never calling" -- I was half-thinking that's 'cause everytime I call, she's pestering me to call my landlord or get out to the house to move more things downtown. :P I learned all about my sister's moving back and forth across Halifax (because of the hurricane), and her own stupidities and logical fallicies ("I'm tired of unpacking every 48 hours" -- when it's been her choice to move into the hotel from Grandpa's or into the residence from the hotel). I told my dad the sole reason she was concerned about the commute or being off-campus was likely due to the partying that was going on. :P

I also tried to explain to Mom that the reason I didn't know the extent of the hurricane damage was because it simply wasn't covered in the news sources I follow. I catch the quick news on the radio before I leave the house, then I read the aboriginal and Indian news coverage at work, then the local paper. Well, the election kinda overshadowed the hurricane, unfortunately; I really didn't learn much about it except from blogs and such.

I had a nice chat last night with A, and learned some interesting things... and some less positive things. Well, nothing I didn't already know, but there were parts that I thought were nicer to hear than others. Ah well, that's life.

However, she and I have had some nice chats about relationships and non-relationships and whatnot. We're on the same page in a lot of ways, and yet in some places almost completely opposite. We find it entertaining. :)

This week I'm going to be training on the media monitoring that a coworker of mine does, and that means that at least two, probably three days this week my days are going to start at 6 a.m. Correction, my work days are going to start at 6 a.m. This is not going to make for a particularly happy Jen, although the idea of being able to leave work at 2 p.m. is appealing.

Anyhow, feeling hungry and don't have much to say. I've remembered the odd vignette here and there that I've wanted to post, but never seem to remember to do so. The last little while has involved a few people stating that I don't seem to get comments as often, or that the comments have the wrong tone to them... I've also gotten a few comments about how I don't update anymore. Well, I have some friends who barely update at all, so I think I'm doing okay in comparison. :)

However, a few shining conversational tidbits:

"That's not what Thanksgiving is about!"
"You CRAZY BITCH, it's all your fault!" (in regards to the heat in my apartment -- oddly enough, my heat seems to have only two settings, so it isn't *entirely* my fault, and I don't really mind having to wander around the apartment in my alltogether)

There were others, but as with much, I've forgotten. :P :)

2003/10/05

And some song lyrics, 'cause I've felt like this a few times:

Swing, Swing, Swing by All-American Rejects

Days swiftly come and go.
I'm dreaming of her
She's seeing other guys
Emotions they stir
The sun is gone.
The nights are long
And I am left while the tears fall.

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new

Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again.

Wish cast into the sky
I'm moving on
Sweet beginnings do arise
She knows I was wrong
The notes are old,
They bend, they fold
and so do I to a new love.

Bury me
(you thought your problems were gone)
Carry me
(away. away, away...)
My dad is awesome, he really is. He knows that I've been collecting the Buffy and Angel DVDs, and he and my mom were going through WalMart yesterday, and there were a bunch of the sets of DVDs. So he calls me and tells me he's staring right at a copy of Buffy, season 2, and do I want him to buy it for me?

But of course!

So now, my Buffy and Angel set is complete, at least until December when they release Buffy season 5. This makes me laugh and tells me that my dad is totally awesome. :)

I did a book swap with one of my girlfriends yesterday, so she's trying out my Charlaine Harris vampire books, and I'm trying out "Archangel" and the first of the Anita Blake series. Yesterday was a ladies' night, and a small crowd, so we were able to discuss books and the idea of starting up a book club. I know I tried something similar with a different group of friends, but I think these ladies and I are a bit more in line in terms of reading interests and such. We'll see what happens, but it could be cool.

I was also able to discuss intellectual elitism in terms of books, and it was great having other people understand and agree with my point. Made me feel slightly less alone. :)

Every once in awhile it's driven home to me how much I like getting to know new and cool people. It never ceases to entertain and amaze me with just how different everyone and their backgrounds are. Especially when some of the things you're being told are coming from people you would never expect to hear it from. Yes, I'm ending in a bunch of prepositions, and I'm sorry, but... deal. :)

Emotionally, I think I'm at a different place. Of course, I may just be fooling myself, but it seems that way right now. I think I'm dealing better and I think it's because I have something to move on to, or maybe I'm just deluding myself. It's all possible.

Didn't do any events yesterday, just did some more apartment-cleaning and looking for the books for my friend. Watched some episodes of Angel and one of Buffy to remind myself what happened, and chatted for awhile with my girlfriend A, before spending way too long all night with another friend.

Chatting a bit now with D, and just thinking I really ought to get up and get moving on the day. I'm bussing out to the folks' place in order to get my sweaters, my pills and pester my cats -- and I might get a home-cooked meal out of it. That's not too shabby, eh? :)

And, just because this post hasn't had any Shawn mentions in it so far, here are a few: Shawn is awesome! He smells nice! He let me sleep on him the other day when we watched trashy television! Shawn roolz!

I'm off. :)

2003/10/04

Ouaf. Longish day today.

I went to work, took a longer lunch than intended, but I got to chill with Ben, so it was all good. Came home and did a hard crash on the couch for about 90 minutes, to be awoken by a friend who is going to be attending WritersFest events with me tomorrow.

I got up, had some snacks and watched an episode of Angel, and then headed on over to the Writers Life panel that I was interested in seeing. The moderator/emcee was rather awful, but the authors were kinda cool. One of them in particular I liked, so I picked up her book. And two others from different authors that I didn't see but that looked interesting.

Yes, I don't have enough reading material as it is. *sigh* I thought once I got out of school I'd have more time to read, but rather it seems to be the exact opposite. :P

Anyhow, I walked back home, and just took my time to enjoy the sights. It was a little cool out, but nice for walking, and I paused occasionally and looked at the lights and reflected on how this is my city, and I'm a part of it, in a minor way.

I had so many thoughts and things I wanted to write about, buzzing around in my head, and yet when I came home I didn't sit down and write. Instead, I started some laundry, intending to do that while making dinner... but got caught up in putting things away. I got a lot done, although it wouldn't look it to anyone else. There's still a lot to be done, but I feel as though I've accomplished much.

I realized that taking self-portrait-type pictures with a webcam is challenging and frustrating at best. The lighting in here is poor, my arms aren't entirely long enough, and the picture quality itself isn't that great. I was hoping to use an image or two in an upcoming Whore's Boudoir article, but I'd feel embarrased putting such poor quality images up. I might see if I can borrow Shawn's camera, if he'll let me.

I finally unpacked all of my toys (well, 99% of them), and I realized that I have a lot of them. It's almost embarrasing. Mentally, I seem to feel that there's a point whereby a single woman with a large toy collection crosses over from "in touch with her sexuality and cool" to "kinda sad." It's also frustrating having clothing or toys that I don't see getting any use in the foreseable future, and I just do my best not to think of the vast financial investment those items represent.

I had some fun trying on a few things, but there's a distinct lack of mirrors in my apartment -- hence the experimentation with the webcam. Maybe because I wasn't seeing myself full-length, but I realized that there are a few "looks" I could conceivably pull off; I might not look so ridiculous in this one skirt/halter top combination that I have, for example. Mind you, it depends on the guy's perspective, but believing I look sexy is the right start.

Now I just have to achieve that. :)

What else did I want to write about? This is what happens when I don't write for awhile, or when I'm busy or whatnot -- the things I did want to say just run out of my head. This is why I carry at least one notebook on me at all times, and why I talk a lot. ;) If I talk a lot, then I think maybe someone else will remember what it was I was saying, and the onus isn't just on me. Yeah, that's my excuse.

My brain has apparently simply up and died on me, seeing as how I am sitting here without any typing going on, just staring at a blank screen. I apologize to all of those who were expecting hot writings from me, but they just aren't happening.

I did have an amusing moment involving a warm apartment, a half-lack of clothes, a former coworker and a video conference that activated my cam, but it was all good and shirts were obtained, cams turned to the wall and no nudity was even remotely seen. Fortunately for everyone involved.

Ah well. I think I'm just going to head off to bed, really. Maybe get some reading time in and some decent amount of rest, for a change. Tomorrow's going to be busy, running around to 'fest events and trying to jump in on the estrofest -- the girls' weekend. I'm not sure how that's going to work, and I'm hoping I might have some mad plans tomorrow night, but who knows? At the very least, I'll be busy. :)

2003/10/02

Hopeless Romantic

For richer? For poorer? It doesn't matter to you because you're the Hopeless Romantic. Whether your sweetie is an oil baron or a grease monkey, it's all about until death do us part.

Even if you haven't met "the one," you'll judge your soul mate by the love letters, roses, and foot massages — not the size of their bankroll. And even if their wallet is as fat as their sonnet collection, the toughest part of your relationship will be arguing over which charity to choose, who loves whom more, and who's the bigger Schmoopie. And if that diamond ring turns brass, no biggie — your love is totally not-for-profit.

From Emode.com.

2003/10/01

For me, I write. I post my thoughts, my fears, my feelings, for the world to see. Does it take courage? Does it take anonymity?

Yes and no. People have found this site that I might not have chosen to see it. Has that censored things I've written? Yes and no. But I've never removed anything that once appeared on this site. If I posted it once, to this day it remains.

For me, I write. I write to clear my thoughts, and to remove niggling phrases, concepts or other ideas from my head. I write to make sense -- either by talking it out or explaining it to someone else.

For you, however, I censor myself. I don't write about how bad the sex and relationship was with the coworker; I dont' write about the confusing mix of love-longing-hatred I experience for boyfriends past, and I don't write about how sometimes I want to hurt myself, really physically experience some sort of major accident or trauma to see who comes to my side, who really cares.

I don't write about how sometimes I envy people with chemical imbalances who hurt themselves, because they have a reason for waht it is they do. I don't write about how sometimes the only thing that keeps my from doing it is the rational voice in my head that smacks me and tells me that I'd just be doing it for attention. I'm too aware of that.

I don't write about how amazingly ridiculous and befuddling it is to me that people see me as confident. On occasion I'll lapse into a whine about something on here, something about how I hate my (fill in the blanks), and certain well-meaning friends will brush it aside and tell me how ridiculous it is.

Being in a relationship is a boost to the ego, and being dumped is devastating to it -- at least if you're me. For a time I believe that I am the sexiest, the most interesting, the most adorable, the most fun -- okay, maybe not the most, but right up there -- I'm vitally important to someone.

Needless to say, that feeling goes awy when the boyfriend does -- at least until the next one. No longer am I the first to hear his news, to be seduced, to be cuddled, to have my feelings and fears and worries looked out for. That's for his next girlfriend or sex partner, and make no mistake, rejection hurts.

Sometimes it feels like I take rejection more personally than others, because of my habit of over-analyzing. Hearing this person doesn't like me, especially if it's for a dumb reason, nags at me for a time.

Just like break-ups. I don't let go easily, at least not if I still have feelings involved. In some circumstances, I've had to put on a bitter/hostile front in order to protect myself.

Other times... well, I just keep hurting and hurting myself until I can reconstruct my walls. I sit in my little corner, invisible to the world, overlooked, ignored, passed over, feeling hideous and unattractive, fat and slovenly, not stylish or intelligent or interesting (please, keep interrupting me... but that's a different rant) or anything worthwhile.

So, I cultivate a loud, outrageous facade (imagine the c-cedille). I've done it so long that it is me, but so is the quiet, repressed and depressed me. Sure, for the most part I'm a content person, but I feel I lack certain things to truly complete that happiness.

But I try to like me, and I usually do. I try to apologize for things I regret, even if it's months later. I try to avoid doing things I think I'll regret, and I'm getting better at it. It just takes work.

And I work on liking me as I am -- slovenly, not stylish, wallflowery, geeky, chubby and dull. Okay, maybe not dull, but it's hard to feel fascinating when I can't get out two complete sentences before getting interrupted. Especially immediately after being asked to open up more.

So I write for me. Where I can't be interrupted, where I rarely get put down, and where I can take my time and pick and choose my words.

Even if they aren't all the words I wish I could say.