So tired. :( I'll write from school if I have energy. Going to try to do something about starting out on a demo tape today. *pushes self* Gotta do it, 'cause it's not going to get any easier the longer I wait.


Knocking down the assignments, it's a good time.

I only have one class on Thursday, which is good. There's a whole thing around my second class on Thursday, but not going to go into it yet.

I was up until 3 a.m. writing my paper last night... and had to get up at 6:30 this morning. I slept through both alarms -- got up and even turned one of them off, don't remember that... *sigh* The printer also screwed up, so I had to print the last five pages of my damn assignment. Got it all handed in and got to class and whatnot, though. I was dozing a bit in class but not nearly as bad as I thought I'd be.

Anyhow, going to do some work. I'll write more in a bit, when I'm recording a show.


Remember this? :)

February What? Done?
The 11th Qualitative Methods Midterm YES!
The 13th E-journal submission (to group) Yes!
The 14th Group dynamics paper due (group paper) YES!
The 18th Advertising case study due (2000 words) (in reading week!) YES!
The 20th E-journal submission (to group) Yes!
The 27th E-journal due (submit to professor) Yes!
The 28th Negotiations paper/presentation due (group) -- 10 pages, 35 minute presentation, including 10 minute Q&A Yes!

*sigh* Resolutions for the upcoming few weeks still to come...


I feel scared for some reason. As if something's going on and I'm missing out and it's very important to me.

Talked to one of the jocks at work today, the one I'm closest to. She thinks the ex- doesn't deserve me, and that I could do much better. But she and I both don't like being showered with attention or being put on a pedestal, which is what The Ex (not the one that features in these write-ups, just a big mistake in my past) did... until he began ... not putting me on the pedestal, I guess is the nicest way of saying it.

The ex- might be coming home for a weekend to pick up some materials that he needs for a project. I want to see him, and I want to make him want me. I want him to think of how much he loves me (if he even does), and miss me and want to be with me. A long distance relationship would be stupid and whatnot right now, but there's a part of me that keeps hoping his plans to stay in Toronto fall through.

He didn't come home for reading week. He always said that I was basically the only thing that would make him want to come home, since he doesn't really have any friends here anymore. I guess I'm not important enough to him anymore to be a draw.

I think I'm hurting less. I spent a whole day or two without crying, although I was kinda close at some points.

I think I'm full of caffeine or something... I feel jittery and uneasy. I don't know if it's physical or emotional causing physical. Either way, it's annoying.

I keep doing this stupid push him away game, in the hopes that he'll deny everything I say and somehow just magically realize how much he cares about me. It's stupid and I don't know if it would be better for me to just walk away and hope he realizes how much he misses me (if he does), or still be there.

Ah well. *sigh* I completely forgot a group meeting today... and I couldn't have gone anyhow, 'cause my work shift got changed. So I get to do some work tonight... and I'll be dyeing the coworker's hair, it would seem. My shift has changed for tomorrow, as well, and I'm getting a drive downtown, which is nice. I'll have two evenings to get my paper written after I hit the library today. Should be plenty of time, once I figure out what the hell I'm going to write. :P


Some more fortunes, so I can clean off my desk (don't worry, the bag's almost finished... although there is another one :):

You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands on.
Now is the time to try something new (like dyeing my hair!).
You are kind-hearted and hospitable, cheerful and well-liked (well, two out of four ain't bad...).
You will always have good luck and overcome many hardships.
The world is always ready to receive talent with open arms (too bad I don't have any :).
Versatility is one of your outstanding traits.
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems (bullshit!).
You should be able to undertake and complete anything (like a degree? Or getting the job I want? We'll see).
You love sports, horses, and gambling, but not to excess (riiiiight...).
You have an unusually magnetic personality.
You are going to have a very comfortable old age (because your children will provide you with a cozy casket... or old folk's home).
You have a quiet and unobtrusive nature (*laugh* Yeah, right).
Answer just what your heart prompts you (don't I wish...).
You will step on the soil of many countries.
You will enjoy good health (sure, if I stop eating fortune cookies!)
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
Your emotional nature is strong and emotional (huh? :).
You have an important new business development shaping up (true, true... just hope it pans out).
You are deeply attached to your family and home (well, minus my sister).
Keep your feet on the ground even though friends flatter you (they do not :P).
Good sense is the master of human life (too bad I got none).
Generosity and perfection are you everlasting goals (yeah, perfection... just can't find it, especially not in myself).0
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life (this could be true).

And the one that Shadow stole...
A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance (and Shadow makes me merry, so... :).

I'll write real stuff later.


Wow. Load off my mind. Had coffee/juice with the pizza guy at Timmy's today. It went a lot better than I thought it would. If nothing else, I think we'll be able to stay friends.

We've agreed to not talk for a week and re-evaluate after that point. I said initially that I think it would be best if he and I were just friends, 'cause I need to get my head sorted out. I need to get back into the place where I'm not constantly thinking of the ex- and wishing and hoping and other Ani DiFranco songs.

I need to get back to my happy place, as I put it.

Now, if only there was a happy medium with the coworker as well... we'll see how that goes.

Hopefully soon my manifesto will appear here. I want to do things with my life and myself, and I want them to happen soon. I want to lose weight, I want to get ahead in my career, I want to get my own place, and I want to either be single for awhile or be in a solid relationship with you-know-who. I think being single for awhile would be good for my mental sanity. I have been in relationships for the last 8 years without a break, and since I lost my virginity, the longest I've gone without having sex was about 4 months, and that's simply because the guy I was with wanted to wait. I need some celibate time, I think. Especially to heal. :)

Anyhow, back to the grind. I do feel somewhat relieved. I'm tempted to tell the ex- I can't talk to him for awhile, but I'll see how long this more relieved feeling continues and then go from there. It probably would be better for me emotionally to not talk to him, but at the same time, I don't to cut myself off like that because I'm scared he'll forget about me. *sigh* I need my happy place. :P

I'm thinking of dyeing my hair red... I just need to find a dye that won't turn orange when it encounters the blonde dye already in my hair. :)


Isn't life fun.

Pizza guy was informed of the incident with the coworker.

Glad my friends keep secrets.

Serves me right.
(Submissive Extrovert Abstract Thinker )

Like just 6% of the population you are a MENTOR (SEAT). Some would call you the most powerful and influential of all people. Those people are wrong.

The reality is that you DON'T really WANT to impose personal views or beliefs on others. Yet you are extroverted and intelligent, and you like to get involved. So you help others with the pursuit of knowledge.

You're the reason that people say "teachers are also students." You are as much a learner as a master, and this satisfies you.

You won't die a lonely death, but towards the end you'll grow introspective, wondering if your life meant anything. This will last for decades, and you'll die after your spouse.

Wow. :)

Fortunes from yesterday and today:

"You will be awarded some great honor."
"You will take a chance in something in the near future."
"You have an unusually magnetic personality."
"You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands to." (Don't I wish)
"Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you." -- Well, the coworker would say so, but... *sigh* Doesn't seem to be who my heart wants. :P


Pickup lines that are guaranteed...

From theSpark.com :

"If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would set my anus and your armpits on fire." (8 stars)
"Do you have a name, or just leprosy, gorgeous?" (3 stars)
"You've got monkey written all over you." (7 stars)
"Let's enjoy the traditional custom in Algiers of getting bad eyesight." (5 stars)
Today's fortunes:

"The physician heals, nature makes well."

"You will be awarded some great honour." (Hah!)

"You may attend a party where strange customs prevail."

"You love Chinese food." :)
I don't want to sit in front of this computer. I want him to talk to me, but I don't know what him to say. Well, that's not true. I want him to say that he doesn't want to be with anyone but me. The previous entry from 2/18/2002 should read that the ex- has a new girlfriend, not that he's hooked up with someone. Subtle difference. I know the coworker is thrilled, or at least happy, but lord knows I'm not. I'm one fucked-up chick.

I was talking to my mom about moving out yesterday... I just feel like I'd be on the road to somewhere if I had my own place. She's more in favour of me getting my own car, but I figure it would be cheaper if I had a place downtown and then I'd save on transportation costs anyways -- and time, for sure.

She says Kim might be leaving next year for university, so that could change. But at the same time, it doesn't change the fact that I live in a tiny space, and I'd still be living at home. It's one less annoyance and irritation though, that's for sure. :)

Ah well... I'm going downstairs to read the paper and beat up the cats. I still need to get two entries for my e-journal, which is due Wednesday after I get back... I think I'll try for one today and write up the first bunch that I have, then get another one towards the end of the week. I want to be on a permanent vacation.
Suits my mood, but I wanted a higher percentage:

Maybe I'll go back and retake it until I get really high.


I really don't want to write much, but I should. I spent a nice weekend in Montreal, came by to find the ex- has hooked up with someone. Named Poppy. WTF kind of name is that?!?!?! Okay fine, so mine isn't that better, but at least when you hear the name Jen, you don't want to vomit. Unless you know me, but that's different.

I can't write. I just can't. I'll do a list of the Montreal stuff later, but basically I'll just say that I did it, and it was painful, and now I'm done.

For now, I'm going to look at it as something positive, as well as something that involved hurting my body because everyone else is hurting me.

I think I'm going to go say hi to the pizza guy, since he called me on Saturday and I never called back, and probably break things off with him. I'll work from there.

Oh, and the real big kicker about the ex- and his little seed? He was talking to me on Thursday, the 13th -- our '3-year anniversary'... asking me if I'd want to hang out with him had we been in the same city, etc., etc. Then, I find out today that the two of them hung out on the 13th, and started dating on the 14th -- on Valentine's Day. I don't put that much credence in the day myself, but fuck! When he and I started going out, he didn't want to do anything on the 14th because 'people would talk' -- this was before it was certain that he and I would end up together. His explanation? He was emotionally retarded back then. I'm *ever* so glad that I 'cured' him of that so that now he could move on to be nice and normal for other people.

He said that he tells me about when he's depressed and all because he trusts me and because he doesn't want other people to know just how fucked up in the head he is (his words, not mine). Is it any wonder I feel used sometimes? If I was the new chick on the block, I might feel kinda upset that my new bf was talking to his ex- like that... although I'm sure she doesn't know what he talks to me about or even that he talks to me.

I know I'm no better because I had these other relationships, and in fact, I'm probably much much worse -- this is probably my punishment for everything being unclear and overlapping and whatnot... but I just gotta wonder, wasn't losing my cat enough? I guess not. What they say about karma is true... but I thought I was going back to being an okay person. Guess not.

I hate hurting. I especially hate that my mom is going to be able to look at me and just know that something's wrong. Actually, that's kinda nice, because no one else would... although maybe the coworker. But he's at work, and that's okay. I don't think I'm ready to talk about this (aside from here), and I don't think I want to really tell him. I totally understand him when he says that he can't be just my friend, though, 'cause I feel that way about the ex-. I love him too much to be anything but all to him... and we've never really been anything but all or nothing.

I have to go dry my hair now.


Truly a terrible semester. I have everyone possible upset with me... school is a nightmare and a half (FIVE work groups, possibly six by the end of the semester)... my debts don't seem to be decreasing, in spite of my best efforts... *sigh*

I'm running in place and not getting anywhere. Argh.

At the same time, I'm wearing my fantastic ass pants today, I'm receiving strange amounts of male attention (even if it's more of the 'c'mon baby, lemme do you' than 'I can't live without you' attention), I've made it through the majority of a Friday without breaking down in tears (or even thinking I need to, and yet this is normally my emotional time of the month!)... and tomorrow I leave for Montreal... and spending a weekend doing touristy stuff. :)

Gonna check out the Biosphere, maybe do some shopping, check out some sex shops ;)... and the piercing. Nervous about that, but we'll see how it goes. Basically I'm just leery 'cause of the lack of anaesthesia, but I got the other body mod without it, so I should be fine. I'm tough! Plus, I don't imagine it'll be a lasting pain... and I have lots of pain-relievers, so I'll make it. :)

Ah well... no real content, so I'll sign off here.
Funny test:

Okay, so I can't get the link going just yet... maybe later. However, my matches were:
1. Thong
2. Leather panties (*shudder* I hate the word 'panty')
3. Leopard print panties
4. Wholesome panties
5. You go Commando!
6. Granny panties!

So I also have a new love... Timothy Goebel, an adorable American male figure skater. It's not the greatest picture, but he's perfect in age -- 21! Only problem is that he's American... but he's a total cutie. So's one of the CNN broadcasters. :)

I think I need to be spayed. ;)
Let's see, content... nothing, really. Like I said, got the proposition from a new friend yesterday. I felt kinda bad, 'cause I don't really look at him that way (he's now the third person that I'm not terribly attracted to to proposition me, weird times), but he's a nice guy. I like him fine... just don't really look at him that way. *shrug* I find I enjoy sex more when I'm emotionally involved with the person I'm sleeping with, 'cause I'm more willing to talk to them about what I need or like. That's probably why I haven't wanted to do anything 'adventurous' in awhile; just a lack of certainty on my emotional status.

Sorry, cuddle Digger break. He's standing on my keyboard tray as I type. The pen theft attempt didn't really pan out. He likes to steal Post-It pads, and he sometimes gets bored and wants something simple to play with. I'll give him Kinder egg toys, or balls of paper or whatever I can find, and he's thrilled. He used to go spelunking under my sister's bed, come out with a gum wrapper or something, and then just run off, thrilled as can be.

For a year or so, strips of carpet were his favourite playthings... before that it was that wheat-like grass that grows in the summer... he's such a sweetiepie.

Ah well... one day of work left (11 hour day), and it's vacation time for me! The appointment time is booked (Sunday at 1 p.m.), looks like the plans are going ahead. Buses leave Ottawa every hour on the hour for Montreal (hopefully that schedule holds for Saturdays and Sundays), so sometime Saturday will be departure time. Spend some time exploring in Montreal, go to the Biosphere, do some touristy shopping/walking (here's hoping the weather holds so I can wear sneakers and not my winter boots, which aren't good for long walks), spend the night (gotta book the hotel), and then... ta-dah!

Still having the semi-wonky eyes from staring at a white screen for so long... I think that having a black background may not be the best of ideas all the time. :)

I'm going to be psyched tomorrow, provided I have a good day. :) *dance* More later... I should get some sleep, but I don't feel tired. :(

Damn friend changing her CD again... she's damn lucky I just haven't burned the fucking thing. Argh!


Wow... either I'm stupid exhausted, stupid stressed or just plain stupid.

I went to bed last night around 1:00, 1:30... and just got up now, at 1:00. Eesh. I skipped my first class this semester -- Negotiation and Mediation. I have the notes for the class, and while I usually enjoy it, I just didn't have the energy to get up and get moving today. I can't remember if I'm supposed to meet with that group or not, so I figure I'll head in for four o'clock and meet with them when the class ends.

Anyhow... that's about it. Gotta get moving and get myself cleaned and whatnot. :)

Today and tomorrow and then Montreal... :)

Gotta make phone calls today!
One more day of school left.
One more day of work left.

Then Montreal and pain? We'll see. ;)
And on a completely unrelated note... I'm getting propositioned by someone right now. Weird, weird, weird.

What else? Oh yeah, class this morning was fun, and I think one of the cute french guys in the class was checking me out. Hmm.... :)

Why can't I get involved in a nice, simple relationship with someone who goes to university or something? Instead, I'm getting fuck friends propositions, and clandestine relationships and things like that offered to me. Also, baggage galore from everything else. Argh.

The ex- was telling me about more of the suicide/depression problems he was having. If I do go visit him across reading week, I think I'm going to give him an ultimatum: either he gets help, or I can never be with him again. I just can't deal with that, and I ask him if he's going to get help, and he says he feels fine now. Great, until the next time he's telling me this stuff. I almost want to go to his parents, but they don't really exert *that* much influence over him 'cause he's not living at home and hasn't been (for the most part) for four years. *sigh* Today also marks 'three years' with the guy.

Anyhow, definitely time to get to bed. Gotta email that report back to the girls and pick it up from downstairs (otherwise I'll leave it at home, and won't that be a panic situation), and then we're into tomorrow.

Valentine's Day? What with my situations... I just don't care about it, really. I'm not interested in going through the motions, and I really don't feel strongly enough to want to bother with it at all. Ah well. :)


A post for My Sister Sucks...

So, I have stupid amounts of work to do over the next little while (as I've said time and time again).

One of my classes is called Group Dynamics -- in which we work in groups of four on doing something for a 'social issue.' So, we have to write a paper and submit it -- due tomorrow, of course.

Now, myself and two of the other group members have been putting it together and editing it and whatnot as best as we can because the whole class tanked on the first papers we had to hand in (prof is *really* stringent on things), so we want to do really well on this... especially as she said that these papers, if they don't sell her on our cause, will really affect how she views everything else. So basically the heat is on.

So, I take a break (what else do I do?), watch some tv... I come upstairs, my sister gets on the phone, and I find a message on my MSN and my email from my group members, them asking me to call them to discuss the final edit. Okay, no problem.

*thump, thump, thump*
/me walks into the living room where my sister (henceforth known as the Demon Bitch) is on the phone.

Me: "Kim, I need to use the phone."
DB: "I'm on the phone."
[aside: Wow, didn't realize I'd gone fucking BLIND AND STUPID in the last TWO SECONDS!]
[other aside: Welcome to the Department of Redundancy Department, President and CEO: Demon Bitch!]
Me: "I need it for school." (supposedly the magic words)
DB: [ignores me]

*thump, thump, thump*
/me goes back upstairs... picks up the phone every few minutes, no response.

*thump, thump, thump*
[see above conversation, literally verbatim!]

*thump, thump, thump*
/me picks up the phone, says into the phone that I need it.
DB: "I'm on the phone."
/me starts pulling various hairs out at the root, wishing they were hers

*thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump*
(I went to the basement this time where the 'rents were installed)
/me explains the situation to them, not feeling much sympathy, getting somewhat yelled at for my 'attititude' -- I explained what my words had been, getting a bit of sympathy, and the edict: "Tell Kim that I (Dad) said for her to get off the phone." Also got the suggestion, "If it's that much of an emergency, call them on your cell phone and tell them you'll call them soon." I argued against this suggestion, saying that I pay for all the time I spend on my phone, and I only get 100 daytime/evening minutes per month.

*thump, thump, thump*
/me goes back upstairs, delivers the words. No effect.
DB claims that I 'ordered' her to give me the phone, which is untrue. I just informed her I needed it. :) Otherwise, words have no effect.

*thump, thump, thump*
/me calls my friend on my cell phone, asking her to call my house so DB will get off the phone. No problem. DB, stupid brat, hangs up the phone just before they call, but it all works out. I was on the phone for less than ten minutes.

Now... final addendum to this whole mess. DB came down with mono and jaundice, so she has spent the last two or three weeks AT HOME ALL DAY. She went to work for the first time today, but that was MAYBE from 4 - 8:30, when I picked her stupid ass up. She also watched the same television program I did (and another before that), so it's not as if someone else was on the phone and she couldn't bloody use it before then.


I need to move out. :P


February What? Done?
The 11th Qualitative Methods Midterm YES!
The 13th E-journal submission (to group)
The 14th Group dynamics paper due (group paper) YES!
The 18th Advertising case study due (2000 words) (in reading week!)
The 20th E-journal submission (to group)
The 27th E-journal due (submit to professor)
The 28th Negotiations paper/presentation due (group) -- 10 pages, 35 minute presentation, including 10 minute Q&A

March What? Done?
The 6th E-journal submission (to group)
The 7th Group Dynamics paper due (solo)
The 13th E-journal submission (to group)
The 20th E-journal due (submit to professor)
The 28th Group Dynamics paper due (solo)
The ?? Negotiation due (???)

APRIL What? Done?
The 8th Qualitative Methods presentations (group)
The 9th Culture jamming project due (advertising)
The 11th Group dynamics presentation
The 15th Qualitative Methods presentations (group)
The 16th Media Industries due before noon (20-25 pages) (in threes)
The 22th Ad techniques midterm due (take-home)
The 25th Group dynamics paper due (10-12 pages) (group)
The 26th Negotiation take-home due (take-home)

And of course, this doesn't include my work schedule (see prior weeks for that), as well as my group meetings, readings and other crap. Who needs a life? Apparently I have to meet with my prof regarding another one of our projects that I'm wondering if even knew about... fuck! And it's not an option, either -- it's a must. That pisses me off.

Y'know what else bugs me? When profs send emails and they're not properly formatted or laid out. Learn to use the technology! I mean, do they just not care what they send to students, or would they send a 'professional' email the same way? Bah. :)

Anyhow, off to try to get some work done (I keep flipping around, trying to figure out what the hell paper I should be working on, and thereby getting no work done. :P).


All right, so maybe taking this weekend and doing absolutely no work wasn't the best of ideas. I have some major schoolwork to get done this week -- one midterm on Monday, a paper due on Thursday... a paper due on Monday of the reading week (the 18th), but if I want to go away for the week, I should get it done by this week... and a paper and presentation that I have due the Thursday after reading week, so I have to get some of that stuff done. Not to mention my e-journal entries, since that thing is due the 27th and I have yet to write anything.

So, if you don't see my ramblings on here much this week, that's probably why. *sigh*

I need to get my hair dried, my bod dressed and my room tidied before work.

I'm off to see Ron Jeremy after work today... that should be interesting. Had a big debate with the coworker last night (until 4:30 in the morning) about whether it's disrespectful for guys (or girls) to ogle girls (or guys) when in conversation with another girl (or guy). Long story behind it, but basically I've been treated pretty rudely by some guys on this (one guy stopping in mid-sentence to swivel his head and watch a girl walk past; another guy running out of the room while in conversation with myself and the coworker to check out some girls), so I feel really frustrated about it. Ah well... another day.

Maybe it's the meds I'm on. I'm thinking of changing them. :P


One less day of being wimpy...

[tunes: 70s stuff from the show... currently Ring My Bell, Anita Ward]

Lazy day today. Slept in until 1:15, the damn kitten (Shadow, Shadowcat, or Shadowbrat) kept jumping in this box I have at the foot of my bed and attacking it and herself. She kept waking me up, but otherwise it was funny. I fished her out the first two times, the third and fourth times I let her get out on her own. She wanted Digger and I to wake up today and play, but no go. :)

Had the shower, had some fun, then actually changed my belly jewelry on my own! Wow! I was too afraid to for the longest time (considering I got it done when in October, 5 weeks after the first one)... had it changed by a studio one day shy of the six week mark, and that jewelry has been in there ever since. Had some pus and pain... the last week or two less pus down to none, just some really bad pain, which was odd. Today and yesterday, little to no pain, so I figured to hell with it and went for a change! :)

The jewelry cycle:

First was a CBR (captive bead ring: a round metal circle with a bead where the two edges come together). That's what it was pierced with.

Second was a slave ring -- a silver curved barbell with a little ring at the bottom where you can hang danglies from and whatnot. The ring kept folding up on itself, 'cause of my chubby stomach.

Now it's a silver curved barbell once more, but on the bottom part of the barbell is a copper dolphin with little gems for eyes... I can pop him off so I'm just wearing a curved barbell, and I can even put him on other jewelry if I want.

Fired off an email to the studio in Montreal to see if they're open on Saturdays... pizza guy said he couldn't go, and I understand -- Satudays are his only days off, so he uses them to run errands or just have a lazy day. Coworker said he'd go, if he could get stuff out of the way (he's got a work project that he always does on Saturdays), so we'll see... might just make it a day trip, might make it an overnight. Who knows?

Anyhow, that's it for now. Just working. :P Got some practice on voicing stuff on Friday, since coworker and I had a light time... he had about two hours free (although not really). I revoiced some stuff I'd done earlier ... in Italian, which I've always had a problem pronouncing. Ask me to be sexy in French, English or Spanish (I can fake the last and am fluent in the first two), I can manage it. In Italian? Much tougher. Did some liners for something else, then the funny moment: Coworker gave me a tag to read so that I could practice enunciating (I slur my words and apparently have an 'l' problem) and emphasizing the correct words. He said he wasn't going to record it, which I knew was complete bunk (and I was right)... so I read it twice, without really any coaching, and the second time he says it was excellent and put it on air. I feel bad 'cause he was going to give it to one of the on-air jocks (who doesn't get many requests to read), but there you have it. :) Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll ask me to be their voice! Yeah, right, but still cool. :)

Ah well... apparently I have a slightly nasal voice. :( And my speech impediment. :P Hopefully I'll get some good solid coaching that'll help me go places. We'll see. :)
Some new content...

I had to include this one 'cause of a friend of mine from work (not the 'coworker'):

And one more...
Is my mom mad at me, or is she just going through the change or something? Eesh.

Let's see, the Olympics... I liked the Ode to the West, or whatever they called it, but the handing off of the torch to like *every* bloody American athlete? Pretty typical American grandstanding. :P

The problem with having an Olympics in the U.S. so 'soon' after the WTC disaster is that we're going to be choking on American patriotism the whole time. *sigh* I generally avoid the Olympics regardless, just because they bug me so. It reminds me of school, when the focus seemed to be on sports -- much less so in my high school than in my elementary school, which I really appreciated, but it was there nonetheless. Our society seems to say that there's something wrong with you if you're out of shape, or not particularly interested in athletics. I'm not horrendously fat, but I'm certainly not going to be winning too many footraces in the near future. Is that so bad? I mean, I'm reasonably intelligent, I'm not coyote ugly... but I'm not an ideal person 'cause I'm not athletic. Well, poo on that.

I've been so frustrated lately with the guys that are around me. The coworker, one guy whose show the coworker produces... I'm just so sick of the guys around me drooling over women that cross their paths. It just feels like I'm being totally overlooked and ignored... I'm good to hang out with, but I'm no good to look at. It's really annoying, and it makes me want to hit them or yell at them or something, and I don't know if I have that 'right'... but if nothing else, I think it's a matter of common courtesy. Maybe I'll start doing the same thing to the guys around me and see how the coworker likes it. Mind you, I'm already on shaky ground there, but I can always just point it out as a point I'm trying to make.

Argh. Men suck. :P :)


I don't understand why I feel so obligated to ensure the coworker is happy. He's got stuff getting him down that's not due to me, but I feel like I should make him happy... and that going out with me would be the solution to that. It sounds vain and pompous, but he's said as much, although now things might be different.


I'm so tired and I have so much work to do. :P


And the emails to which I am referring:

The first, from my friend...

Hi sweetie...how are you doing?
did you have a chance to start on the project yet? I want to thank you for
doing that, as i know that i have work all day and i have a sales meeting
until late, and then i have to study for 2 tests--of course taht is not to
say by any means that you dont have lots of work to do as well.....school is
school eh?
anyways just wanted to say thank you, and i read that our proposal cant be
more then 3 pages long, but it does have to be in detail,,,he said that
there was an outline of how to do the proposal in our CMN book...
anyways, hvae to get back to work,...but have a great day...
here are the names...[snipped]
thanks sweetie---we owe you one,
love D :)

And the second, which I sent...

Hi D,

I'm glad you sent me the names and student numbers, but what I was
waiting for was the part that you guys were supposed to write -- the
personal reasons behind this paper. I have the same outline that you
have, so I know the requirements for it.

And so you know, next time I'm not going to be able to do this. I
respect that you worked all this weekend, but so did I -- I work
Fridays from noon until 11 p.m., Saturdays from 6 p.m. until 11 p.m.,
and Sundays from 5 until 11 p.m... and as you know, I have three other
groups that require my attention.


Basically, I'm tweaked that she was asking if I'd started yet, but hadn't held up her end of the bargain, or even offered to help much... I strongly suspect that her "late" sales meeting may have ended at like, 9 or something, and hell, I'm usually just settling down to write then... and perhaps there were treks out with her boyfriend or drinking friends that she didn't want to mention. As for the second girl? I don't remember what her excuse was, but if it was that she was also working, well, so was I.

And hell, as the coworker says, I just get to take an easy ride on the next one, since I may have just handed these two girls 5%. Or 0%... like I said in the previous post, I don't care. :)

Ah well... the second girl was stressing over the fact that they'd never handed in a proposal for a communications class before, and had I ever done one before? Oh no! I think half the reason she rubs me the wrong way is that she stresses over the slightest things and blows it up like it's the biggest deal ever, and then takes it out on everyone and makes it seem like she's the only one with problems... and the other half is that she comes off snotty a lot... like she's the only one with an opinion that matters, and the rest of us peons just barely exist.

And all of this before the class I share with them! Yay! :)

Anyhow, speaking of which, I'm off. We'll see what happens, and maybe I'll even share it later. ;)
So, I was skimming through the archives [ed note: of another blog I read/contribute to], trying to figure out when it was I started posting, and what kinds of things were being said around that time.

During my perusal, I came across a post that X had made, talking about leaving essays and whatnot until the last minute, and I had to laugh. I've reached the point now where I rarely, if ever, complete any assignment any earlier than the day before it's due. I rarely even start them much sooner than that, regardless of how long they are. My father begot to me the gift of gab, and the gift of bull shit.. or I developed that one myself ... so I don't feel any compunctions at sitting down and saying to myself, "Okay brain, think!"

Mind you, it's not always a successful endeavour, but I generally manage to crack out enough pages of crap to satisfy the requirements. :)

With that all said and done, I'm reaching a point now where I have so much work to do and so little time in which to do it that my apathy levels have just spiked off the charts. I don't care if the papers I turn in suck, I don't care if the group project proposal we submitted sucks (especially as I was left to do it by myself 'cause my friends had to work... well, news flash girls, so did I!, and it was only worth 5% of our total grade... big flippin' deal)... But I should also explain that I do take a great deal of pride in my work, and especially in my writings... so for me to hit apathy is not a good sign.

I have a year and a half left to my degree. I want to care, but I kinda don't. It's a tough time. :P

And here, for those who care, is a rough run-down of my schedule:

Fifteen hours of class a week, Fridays off.
Monday through Wednesday I put in about four hours a day, Thursdays I'm off because of my school schedule.
Fridays, I work from noon until 11 p.m., because I do my daytime work (production) until 6, then I do on-air show production from 6 p.m. until 11 p.m.
Saturdays I'm 6 p.m. until 11 p.m., and Sundays I work from 5 p.m. until 11 p.m.

I also live 90 minutes away from my workplace by bus (which is my general mode of transportation), so there is also that for me to deal with.

This is my short way of saying that my one friend saying she couldn't write the paper because she worked all weekend, did not impress me terribly, and I wrote her a slightly snotty email in reply... especially when all she sent me was her and her friend's student ID numbers, and not the tiny portion of the overall paper I'd asked her to write. :P

Anyhow... basically all this is simply to say that in my little world, the last minute is the best time to get things done. :) Well, maybe not the best time, but the most likely time. I have one group where we're going to be writing our paper over a week before it's due, and this is completely unheard of to me. It actually kinda slightly rocks the foundations of my little world when I think about it. :)

I think I might crosspost this to my site, and include the text of the email I sent, just for fun. :)


More ramblings...

I got my ears pierced when I was something like 10 or 11. I'd wanted it for awhile, and my parents decided I was old enough, and it was my birthday gift from my dad's sister, his mom, and my parents, IIRC. From there, I waited ten or eleven years and got my second piercing. I debated about it for a really long time, then finally realized that if I didn't hurry the hell up and just do it, I never would. So I did, and I like it, and it's been since September... I can't remember the exact date, but I could find it.

Anyhow, then in October I went and got my navel pierced. It finally seems to be healing now, which is about bloody time, but I was warned that they do take a few months to heal.

A month ago tomorrow, I went and had another body mod done, and I'm really proud of it and I like it, but it's still pretty secret, although more people know about it than the piercings, 'cause I'll show it off.

I'm still thinking of another body mod and another piercing, and I promised myself I'd pay my VISA down to less than $100 before I got the body mod done... but it's very tempting to go and get the other piercing done. My logic with the piercings is that if I really don't like them, I can always take them out. And if I'm left with little holes in my body, I don't really care, 'cause I'm definitely not ever going to stretch them. *shudder* :)

Anyhow, I should really try to get some reading or something done... my eyes are acting funny from staring at this white screen for so long.

Actually, I think I'm going to play with the colours on this site. I don't like the pink. :P :)
What, me a leper?

Isn't this just ducky... feeling rejected all over the place. The ex- was down this weekend, didn't even call me, even after arguing for awhile about when we'd see each other... the coworker can apparently barely stand to talk to me. Apparently I was obligated to *everyone*, which is just a pisser and a half.

And it would seem that the only way to solve my various problems is to either a) date everyone that's mad at me, or b) date no one so that everyone is happy. c) What would make me happy? I haven't the faintest idea.

Everytime I think about this, I want something different, so I'm paralyzed with my indecision. For some reason, I feel that I'd get a handle on things if I were to move out, but I don't know what that would actually solve. Nothing, but it would make me feel a bit better, or something. Maybe not. More indecision!

And my piercings hurt, and I don't know why. :P

I'm so sick of being in debt and living in a tiny area filled with things I don't want to throw out because I'll have the space for them when I can live in more than one room, and feeling fat and everyone pulling at me and now pushing me away... argh!

I'm so looking forward to reading week. A whole week without school or work... that will be very very nice. I do however need to make sure I get some practice in on my voicing and whatnot before then... maybe for fun on Tuesday I'll go into the voice track studio or something and just mess around for a bit.

On Friday I was very mad and very stressed. I wanted very badly to kick something. I was very frustrated from the outcome of my group meeting, since it felt like I'd wasted an hour and a half of work time to get more or less nowhere... and today I was angry because I asked them to write one small part of the paper and I'd do the rest... and neither of them did that. My friend emailed me their student numbers, which I could have given two shits about... so I sent her back a kinda pissy email, saying that next time I won't be able to do this. I said that while I respect the fact that she works all weekend, so do I, which is very true... and frankly, I'm not entirely sure what the other girl's excuse not to do this was. I think she said she worked as well, but I don't know for sure... and I reminded my friend that I have three other groups that I'm supposed to do work for, so I can't be doing all the work in this one.

I have no idea if my paper is going to be any good, but I really don't care, and it's only worth 5% of our grade, so I really really don't care.

There are a lot of things I don't care about right now, and then there are lots of things that I do care about, but I don't know what they are. Stupid, no? *sigh*

I feel so frustrated and confused and stressed and helpless. I hate this feeling.

About the only neat thing that's going on right now is that one of my friends from work is having me audition/actually do a part in this cartoon that he and another guy are drawing and trying to submit for a festival in September, so I think that is really amazing. I wouldn't be getting any money for it unless he got funding, but I don't care; I just think it's cool that he'd ask me, first of all, and that I might get a chance to do this, second of all.

I hate that a guy who may not even want to be with me can make me feel this way. I hate that I feel obligated to someone because they love me... I hate that people think I should feel obligated to them because they love me. I hate that people can make me feel like such shit for trying to move on with my life and live it the best way I know how. I hate that I do things that hurt people and I know that they will hurt people. I hate that I've been lying for the last several months. I hate that it feels like people don't care anymore, and I hate that I know that I deserve it. I hate that I've been crying so much, especially on Friday nights. I hate that I don't have any time, and I hate that I want more time and more money so that I can do what I want.

*sigh* I think I'll finish this now, and maybe try to do some other work.
Well, I could go into detail on how people are being stupid right now, and while it's true and all, I also can't blame them for it, so I won't.

I got to clean my room today, which I didn't think I would be able to, so this is good.

Friday was not a good day for me. Very rough, and not just 'cause of the conversation with the coworker... just stress and things piling up.

I have a paper I have to write tomorrow, this is for the group work thingy that's with my friends. Group work with friends is no better than with strangers, it would seem. I got to say a lot about how much I didn't care about this project and whatnot, which is very true. Frankly, I don't care about school right now. I'm just going through the motions. If I dropped out tomorrow, I wouldn't care. Except that I'm up to my navel in debt because of school, so I do care on that front. I almost want to change my degree to a 3-year and just move out when the school year is over, that way I could afford my own place. *sigh* One more year and a bunch of more months. It's what, February the 2nd today? Last day of classes is April 15. Three months and two weeks, basically. I'll make it.

Oh! Funny today from work. Crazy crackpot caller, but sometimes they're good for a laugh. Here's the script:

Me: (Station ID)
Crazy Crackpot Caller (female, btw): What the hell is going on?
Me: I'm sorry?
CCC: What the hell is going on?
Me: I'm sorry, you'll have to be a bit more descriptive than that.
CCC: I fell asleep with the radio on, and the things they were saying on the air made me have nightmares.
[Editor's note: I was running a specialty show on a music station. The only talking that went on was the DJ doing intros and backsells, and the commercials. It was probably about 53 minutes of music to 7 minutes of talking per hour]
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, but I'm running a show that's all music... I don't think that could have been giving you nightmares.
CCC: [hangs up]

Well, it made me shake my head, if nothing else. :) Anyhow, I think I'm going to pack it in for the night. The cats are circling, and they're likely wanting me to settle down so they can. Yet another thing I love about the little fluffs. ^..^


I want to write, and yet, I don't know what to write.

Hmm... Tick quote: "Y'know Arthur, I hate broccoli... and yet, in a way, I am broccoli."

Ripping Friends quote (go Jose!): "Eat your cauliflower!" *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* "See what happens to people that are mean to kids, boys and girls?"

Or the guy who swallowed the whistle, the telephone, the light, and then the puppy... that was funny. :)
Okay, a quote that was said about me awhile ago and I haven't been told that I can't use it, so here goes... and I can always take it down if I'm told otherwise. :)

From another blog site I post to, one of the members spake thusly:

"Jen seems to have the amazing ability of picking up other people's topics and making it interesting.

Or posting her own and making others tag along."

Yay :)


Things I'm sick of:

* Being told that I didn't say something that I know I said, or that I'm misquoting someone, or that crap
* Being made to feel like I'm demon-spawn for not being completely devoted to each and every person in my life, particularly the ones that I've broken up with
* Thinking I've come to an understanding on things and discovering that apparently I'm the only one that came away with that understanding
* Group meetings that don't go anywhere
* "Whatever"
* "Fine"
* People changing what I say to suit their needs, REGARDLESS of how many times I've corrected them
* Having people expect me to be able to drop everything else in my life to accomodate them, even if they've broken up with me
* Being jerked around, by guys in particular, but also by girls
* Emotional fuckwittage
* Being tired, having no energy, having no time to myself
* School, to some extent
* Feeling frozen in place, not being able to grow career-wise or get my own place and just have my own space
* Being stressed
* People acting like I never said something, or like I'm talking crazy
* Tall people sitting in front of me when I'm in class so I can't see the overheads, or the television screen
* People in general

... Now I'm just rambling, I guess. I need a vacation.

I need to stop crying at work.