A letter to myself, then long rambling

Reality check. It's over. I've lost, she's won. No matter how many times he sees me and holds me and tells me how good it feels, no matter how many times he tells me he wants me and how he just can't love me because of our city situation, it's over. I've lost. He just wants to sleep with me. The rest of it he wants with her. Get this through my head, learn this one unalterable fact and just move on.

Have meaningless sex with all the people I want, date whomever I want, do whatever I want. Regardless of how much he may or may not get upset about you sleeping with other people, he doesn't want you because you don't live in the same city. He's started telling her about how he's fucked up in the head. Your role in his life is getting smaller and smaller. Sure, you were the first. Sure, you have the strongest affect on him. But that too will change. It's over.

Argh. Go, be alone. Or, go and find yourself a boyfriend. Find someone that you can maybe fall in love with or maybe just have a nice, comfortable relationship for awhile. Find a mad pash. Find no one or everyone or just yourself. But it's over with him. He's found someone else and maybe he'll find himself with her in a way that he never found himself with her.

You lasted awhile. It was good. Then, once you started to break up again, it got messy. It got complicated. Maybe, somewhere down the line, the third time will be the charm. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. There's no way of knowing. Him saying that if things were right you guys could exist is him just saying that to be nice and spare your feelings. Maybe it's best to not talk to him for awhile. Crying hasn't helped. Getting angry hasn't helped. Getting upset and stupid and feeling used and stupid hasn't helped. What will help? Hanging out with your friends, which you're working on. Making new friendships, also working on. Setting up dates for yourself? Sure, why not (no, I haven't done this yet). Gotta talk to the coworker and figure out what's going on there. Just be friends, if it can happen. It's what's best, for both of you.

Stop chasing the ever elusive next person who might get you off (the Holy Grail for you). Stop equating sex with love (well, don't think I've done that one for awhile). Don't sleep with people who just use you as a warmer, wetter version of their own hand. Find someone that cares about your pleasure, and wants to please you. Find someone that doesn't assume that you're like every other girl that they've slept with and that wants to find out what you like and what makes you feel good and wiggle and squirm and pant and scream. Find someone that doesn't rush to get you naked and enjoys kissing and getting all hot and bothered as much as you do. Find someone that respects your boundaries and doesn't whine or plead with you to go further than you want at that given time. Find someone that will be all the things in a sexual partner that you miss.

I do miss sex. I miss the incredible feeling of lying naked with someone, feeling their skin against yours. I miss the feeling of getting so hot and bothered just kissing that you're wiggling and squirming and itchy under your skin and dying to tear your clothes off, but you want the feeling to last forever. I miss feeling as if I was just going to go out of my mind if I didn't get touched right there (where ever there might be) in the next minute. I miss being naked and playful and goofy with someone and the feeling of having been really well fucked (pardon my language, but those who know, know). I miss feeling as if all I wanted to do was bring my partner pleasure and make him go out of his mind and groan and wiggle and squirm and beg (there was one person in particular that was just absolutely awesome for that). I miss going to sleep with someone snuggled up next to me. I miss feeling hair rubbing against me, be it my breasts, arms or legs. I miss that incredible feeling of being filled for the first time, especially after waiting for it for awhile. I miss feeling adventurous and having fun ideas that I want to try out with someone special.

There is something just incredibly incredible about a guy that enjoys giving oral sex. Like, really enjoys it. As in, begs you to let him taste you and doesn't care (seemingly honestly) if you do nothing to him in return. Especially given the stigma around it (and guys who don't know what they're doing), someone who honestly knows what he's doing, wants to find out what you enjoy and does and would just stay down there forever is just wonderful. I don't feel any shame or stigma about my bits (well, for smell factors that is), but there's just something honestly touching about someone that tells you how much he enjoys how you taste, and that he could eat you out all day and night... well, that's something great. I'm not pointing fingers :), but it's a really awesome thing, and for me, at least, was a really new experience. Back when it happened, that is. This is something I've just not gotten around to saying for awhile. :)

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, today's topic appears to be about sex. :) Sorry about that... I've been horny for a bit. My mostly celibacy continues. I say mostly because it's been a "everything-but" kind of celibacy, although for awhile it was an "everything-everything" celibacy. It's been going pretty well. At least from my perspective, I guess. Well, not really well. But that's another ramble.

So, what else? Well, I seem to let people close to me walk all over me and screw with my head. Then, when I stand up for myself (maybe not always in the best of situations), or when I act stubborn and obstinate, I fight with people. Likely because I don't always pick the best times to stand my ground, pride goeth before a fall and all that, but what the heck. At least I'm not snapping at people anymore, right? Hah.

Anyhow, I've gotten over my pissed-offedness I think, and it's definitely beyond time for me to hit the sack. Had some nice chats with a few people today, got the exam written, and unless I barely pass or totally fail it, I should pass the course nicely. Here's hoping for something in the As, but I'll be satisfied (although surprised) with something C+ at minimum (since that's what I need to pass my course and all). The next course, children's lit, starts on Wednesday, so no break for the wicked, but at least it's easy. Efforts to get together with friends are progressing nicely, and I think I'll try to make some kind of outing with the piercer in the near future. Called him again today (after speaking to him very very briefly on Sunday, as noted), but got his voice mail. I might actually swing by the studio tomorrow, who knows. My godfather is going to be in town tomorrow night, and I haven't seen him for quite some time, so I'm going to make efforts to be home for dinner... which means leaving work a bit earlyish, especially if I want to catch an express. If I get my ass in gear in the morning, maybe I'll drop in on my way to work. Who knows? Especially if his teeth are all mucked up, he may not be in at work, so phone call first. :P :)

Kinda weird that I'm doing all this chasing, especially if I'm not sure if I'm interested or not, but I can't know unless I get to know him a bit better, right? Right. S'all new to me. L is also going to be at work tomorrow, so I'll probably drop in and say hi to him before I take off. He asked me for a kiss at work on Saturday, but I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, since we were both at work, and the timing would have been awful had I agreed, since right as I was finishing what I was saying, my boss walked by the big glass window and came in. That would not have been explainable at all. And I think I would have been sixty shades of red for a year or so. :)

Anyhow, headache's starting to come, so that's my cue to take off. Hope you all enjoy today's content (probably my longest post yet), and soon I will get to work on archiving all of these posts on my very own computer for my own diary purposes. I haven't written in my paper diaries for quite some time. Sometimes it's just easier to think as I type (as I usually do for essays); other times it's easier to hand write. Ah well... updates as they happen, as always. Take care, and I'll try to take my own advice (like taking care).