Let's try this the third time

I got smart this time. I started writing this out at work, so I at least have a paper copy of half of it.

I meant to copy everything last time before I sent it -- I was thinking of doing that when I first started writing -- but then I forgot. Ass.

So this may not be as good the third time around, because some of the original driving emotion has been lost or filtered out.

But before I begin... I got a big yuck infection right above my helix (right on the hole at the top), so I had to clean that out. There's a whole story about earrings and what would be the best, but it's pretty dull, so I'll spare you all. Basically, I'm wearing a stud tonight, although that's likely not the best option because it can't breathe, in order to keep the hole from closing over, 'cause I don't really have anything else that would be suited. And since I have to get up in the morning and don't feel like cleaning four hundred earrings, testing each one to see if it would fit, I'm gonna do this and just see how it looks in the morning.

Here begins what I wrote at work:

I've tried to write this post about three times now -- my browser keeps losing it and pissing me off.

I've gone between happy, sad and angry this weekend. Happy was Estrofest -- I had a lot of fun. We talked about all kinds of things, and now have a joke about doorknobs. :) During one particular boardgame, my name came up as most likely to try to pick up an attractive someone of the opposite sex -- or at least to start up a conversation with them. I thought that was pretty funny, considering how I am, but then again, what do I know? :)

Another happy momemt, in spite of it being an angry day for the work part, was having one of the security guards give me some of his dinner and a Coke, so I didn't have to buy myself any food. Hooray! :)

And today I was told I was the best lunch packer by one of the newsguys, as he rifled through my trail mix and teddy grahams (after I'd told him to, don't worry). :)

I keep occasionally running up against a 'life is horribly unfair' feeling. There's a story I keep trying to write that my mom told me awhile ago. It frequently comes to mind when I'm feeling like whining about how unfair the world is.

It seems that when I was younger, I had a little purse I used to keep change in -- it probably amounted to a whole dollar or two. Mom said we were in a store one time and I set this purse down and walked away from it. Of course, someone stole it -- but I simply couldn't understand why someone would steal from me.

When I think of this story, even if it weren't me in the story, I just feel a sense of helplessness or sadness. I can imagine how I must have felt as that little girl, being introduced to the world of unfairness and meanness that can abound.

And that's kinda what I feel sometimes now.

That little man inside my heart or inside my gut feels that somehow it should work out. Maybe if I just care enough, or if we both care enough or both work enough to make it happen, it could.

I feel a bit like I did before the ex- and I started going out the second time. Part of me just can't accept that that's it. Period.

I want the relationship again, problems or no. What does that say about me? I fear finding out.

It's been nearly a month since things ended -- a month on Wednesday. Why am I not over it by now? Why can't I let it go?

It's just seriously unfair.

I know everyone means well when they tell me that I'll meet someone else, someone better, but right now, I can't hear that, and I don't want to. I'm sure it's how Di must feel like when people tell her that she can do better than Eric, or that she should move on. Like, sure, on one level, I know that and I feel that way. But on the other level, the one on which I'm currently operating, I'm not ready for someone else. I feel how I feel, and that's likely not going to change for awhile.

I know people are tired of hearing me whine about this, and I feel bad for being so stuck on it. But... what's the time limit on whine ability? When should I be over things?

It doesn't help to reminisce or share stories with people. Well, it does... but it reminds me of what there was, and who knows when it'll be there again.

Anyhow, time to focus on conversations and then go to bed.

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