People at work seem to think that it's just a rough patch that'll pass, once my innate and natural wonderfulness is realized and missed. ;) Pfft. Doubt that. Hope for it, but doubt it. People who are friends of J's seem to think it's pretty permanent. Am I putting myself in the same holding pattern I did for the ex-? I really hope not. That hurt a lot, even though I did it to myself.

Twice now I've gone to the LAN party wanting to see him, and yet not saying anything to him when he's there. I want him to come up to me and put his arms around me and hold me and kiss me and tell me that we can work something out, that he's figured things out.

Three times in my life I thought I was in love with someone. Once, I realized I was sorely mistaken. Twice, it's ended weird and awkward with me not quite over things. Twice I've thought I was with someone I could go the distance with. Am I thinking that because it's really true, or because it's what's being done now? I haven't been in love with everyone I dated or slept with. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sometimes feelings develop with time and sometimes they don't. Once I was in a relationship that I thought was really pretty awesome right from the start and was comfortable and happy with and felt really positive about. Everyone has baggage they bring to a relationship, which can be unfortunate, but it's a fact of life.

Things I want the boy who loves me to know
1. Animals are very important to me, especially cats.
2. I love to read and write.
3. Forget-me-nots are my favourite flower and vanilla is my favourite scent for perfumes and candles. Chocolate is an amazing smell and flavour.
4. My temper is explosive, then over, given enough time. And don't tell me I'll get over it and don't tell me I'm being irrational or that nothing you can say is right (see notes on the coworker for details on that subject.
5. I am not interested in ever seeing my boyfriend or husband using the facilities, and I want him to leave me alone when I'm in there, too.
6. I enjoy being open about myself. If I hide too many details, I can't get the real perspective from my friends on the matter-at-hand.
7. I overanalyze, particularly in relationships.
8. I love to be kissed gently a few times before the french kissing begins.
9. I like to end a kiss the same way.
10. I like the inconsequential touches a lot; a hand on my leg while driving in the car, having my hand held in public, a kiss on the cheek or head when parting for a second, a hand on the back or a stroke of the back when you just want to say, "Hi, I care about you" in a public situation and can't really express anything more for whatever reason.
11. I like to be held for a bit after sex.
12. I like to be spooned before falling asleep. I can't always sleep that way, but I like the close presence of a loved one's body in the bed with me.
13. I like to wrap myself up my comforter sometimes with a good book and a bowl of popcorn and a glass of Coke, water, or hot chocolate, depending.
14. I'm not too easily shocked, and I like when someone's not shocked by me... or maybe just every now and then.
15. When I get married, I want my husband to wear a wedding ring as well.
16. I want to get married hopefully before I'm 25. Depends on Mr. Right, though.
17. I worry when people interrupt me that they think I'm boring or irrelevant.
18. I often feel fat and ugly and a huge big cow next to the little kewpie dolls I see at school or in the streets, regardless how great I felt about my attire before I left the house.
19. My favourite features about myself are my eyes (big and blue), and my hair (sometimes).
20. My favourite part of a guy's body is his stomach and then his chest.
21. I love to have both arms wrapped around me when we're cuddling, unless it's just impratical in the position we're maintaining.
22. I like to sleep on my stomach with one knee drawn up, and if I can cuddle up to someone like that to sleep, I'm thrilled.
23. Sometimes I get frustrated when I'm having the same conversation or particularly argument over and over again, especially if nothing changes.
24. I want to look after and be looked after by someone I dearly love.
25. I'm not very good with change.

I think that's enough things for now. My stomach's been giving me problems for some time now and it's way past bedtime, so I'm off to try to get some sleep for now.