Sorry about the lack of updates; I've been feeling very uninspired, writing-wise, which is why I'm really behind on emails as well.

Actually, I've been feeling very uninspired about a lot of things, which is why I'm also behind on cleaning my room, getting rid of old clothes and books, and doing my readings. I'm starting to pull ahead in that last, though, so that's good.

So, had an argument with the ex- a few nights ago about how I put my mood in my MSN name. He feels I do it just for attention, and if I didn't want people asking me all the time about it, I wouldn't be doing it. I told him I do it to reflect how I'm feeling, which is true. If I'm feeling happy, it goes in there. If I have a quote I like, it goes in there. If no one asks me about it, fine. *shrug* That was... oh, Tuesday night, I think. Also had an argument in there about him assuming that once I've made up my mind on something, I can't change it (namely his girlfriend), and blah blah blah... we had one awhile ago about something stupid that I don't feel like typing out, but the short version of it is that, even though he's known me for about 8 or 9 years now (eesh!), he couldn't give me the benefit of the doubt on a comment I'd made; he automatically assumed the worst and went after me for it, instead of asking me about to see if that's actually how I meant it. :P

Got together with Ben for lunch on Wednesday. It was an awful day, weather-wise, and I was drinking hot drinks and had a hot soup for lunch. I had on a long-sleeved shirt, a sweatshirt, and my jacket, and I was still freezing. While we were waiting for the bus, Ben lent me his fleece, which I put on on top of everything, and I was finally warm. :) I don't deal well with being cold; I really really dislike it.

I spent the first half of the week being rather exhausted, too. Tuesday and Wednesday I was just absolutely wiped, Wednesday in particular, as I was up so early and at school for so long. I was falling asleep in both my classes and while I was at work, and yet on the bus, and before class, I couldn't really nap. :P

Yesterday I spent finishing up the second season of Sex and the City; I watched some of it Wednesday night, as well. I watched Gilmore Girls on tape, snuggled with the cats, got a tiny bit of reading done, and then went and picked up Ben and brought him to class with me. Chatted with the TA for a bit afterwards, and then went back to Ben's and watched "She's All That" -- finally! -- with his younger brother and I got home around 4:30 in the morning. Urgh. :)

It was kinda fun; I was being bad. The brother and I were flirting somewhat, but in what I think was a fairly harmless manner; prior to Ben returning from a phone call, we'd been talking about a girl that likes the brother and how he feels about it and whatnot. Most of our flirting involved poking at each other, or insulting or throwing out sexual comments to each other. We're both in a dry spell right now, so that doesn't really help, I don't think. ;) It's weird; I think he's a cutie, but I view him as a bit of a brother figure, simply because he's Ben's brother and much too young. So, it's fun to joke around and laugh, and I think (I hope!) everyone gets a giggle out of it, and doesn't get upset about it. However, if anyone is bothered by this (read: Ben or his brother), I would hope they would feel comfortable enough speaking up about it to me.

Tuesday's Women and Media class was taught by the TA, and my girlfriends and I don't like him or what he had to say, so we skipped class today. I got to bed late (obviously), so I was not terribly impressed when Mom called me at 10:30 this morning and woke me up. :P However, it meant I had time to get up and slug around the house, including watching CSI. It meant I got to work at the same time as I would've had I gone to class and then gone to work. The difference was that this week, I was done work around quarter after five (I worked until about 6, doing some music uploading that I've been putting aside for awhile), then came home and made myself some dinner and did a bit of reading... mostly I've been trying to find something on television that'll hold my interest for longer than five minutes. :P

Although I did watch the courtroom scene of Tom Cruise movie I can think of that I liked; I don't find him attractive, except in that flick. I hate the shaggy, unshorn look he has going on now; I like my men clean-cut for the most part, but some can get away with the scruffy look, or the long hair...Brendan Fraser in George of the Jungle, or Swordfish or X-Men are good examples of guys who can get away with it. Val Kilmer looked great in The Saint, and Dean Cain looked deliciously scrumptious in Lois & Clark.

Okay, I'm done now. However, I'm disappointed with some of the pictures that IMDB has for the actors. :P As soon as I get some good ones, they'll go into the photo gallery I'm setting up. :)

*mops up drool*

What else? Well, the coworker emailed me the other day saying that he missed having me in his life. The email was three lines long, and since I have shown over and over that I have no respect for that kind of rule of netiquette, here it is:
"subj: Crazy
You wanna hear something crazy?

I actually miss not having you in my life.

Weird eh?"

So I lied to Ben when I said it had the believe it or not thing, but that would normally be how he would write it. So, I replied, explaining that I've been ignoring him and treating work as something to go and do because I've got a lot on my mind, not because I hate him. I explained that this year, my stress is showing itself as crying jags instead of being snappy (which was how I was to him before, but I honestly think that was a product of him being part of the stress, but I didn't tell him that)... and he sent me one email saying he was sorry to hear that, and he remembered how tough it was going to school and work at the same time (sidebar about that, but I'll leave it be), and he sent me a picture of two cats that he hoped would make me smile, at least. Then he sent me another email saying that he'd still be willing to give me a hug, but I had to ask for it; he wasn't going to offer it.

Fneh. Typical coworker stuff; "I'll do x or y or z for you, but you have to ask for them; I'm not going to offer them!" I don't know what that's all about, but there are certain patterns he has that are so fucking frustrating and annoying that it just drives me nuts. :P He complained once that I wasn't predictable, that he could never be certain how I'd react to something... well, that may be a problem and all, but frankly, I think in a lot of ways it's preferable to always having the same patterns and such, like his royal arseness. :P Sorry, I'm not actually feeling as annoyed as that likely all came off. :)

Time for a Sex and the City break... I'll continue this when I get back. :)

Okay, I'm back. Caught some Sex and the City, and also caught the second half or so of Dogma, one of the great Kevin Smith flicks. :)

What else was I going to write about? Well, caught White Oleander on Monday with J and a couple of girls from the crew. A review I read of it today in the paper said that while it was a good movie, you're basically left asking, "And what's the point?" which was pretty much how I felt after it was over. I didn't hate it, I didn't love it, and I was left wondering, "Okay, so...?"

I'm going to keep padding out my site, including fixing out the favourites/samples part of the comics page, and adding a photo gallery with pics of celebrities and whomever else I feel like putting up there. Likely not pics of friends or myself, continuing that tradition, but we'll see; I may bend on that.

I thought I had something more I wanted to say, but now I can't recall it. :P

Well, I'm getting my system upgrade within the next week or so... so it means that I can start watching my DVDs in my room, and it means that I'll likely be heading out to pick up season three of Sex and the City very soon. :)

I've decided that the PMS is what's really responsible for my wicked-ass mood swings. :P Last winter I didn't do so well with the weather, either; once spring came around, I was much happier. Maybe it's the same in this situation, which is going to make for some long, miserable months. *sigh*

Overall, this last year has really sucked total balls:

The ex- and I broke up.
I started seeing the pizza guy and screwed that up -- and it wasn't the greatest relationship to begin with, but it was good for what it was supposed to be.
I started seeing the coworked, and anyone who's been reading for any length of time knows how well that worked, and especially ended. ;)
My grandmother died.
Chloe disappeared.
The ex- started dating and sleeping with his current girlfriend, which took me quite some time to get used to and over, especially when he kept coming back and fooling around with me and saying he wanted to sleep with me, and he wanted to sleep with me more than her. And no, I didn't do it.
Then, I meet this wonderful guy, totally fall for him and have a great, if short, relationship, and now I'm getting over that. :P Oh. Well. I'm tough.

I have thoughts here on dry spells, but I don't know the best way to articulate it, and I'm bound to shock people. ;) I feel bad; I never really bothered about that before, but now I'm starting to think about what I write every now and then.

I'll try, though. Although I should probably go to sleep very soon; I'm writing seriously grammatically incorrect sentences. :P

Okay, so... basically, as long as I've been sexually active (and I'm not talking about full penetration or anything, I'm talking about any kind of sexual activity), I haven't had much of a dry spell. That's not to say that I was jumping from relationship to relationship, although the last several years have pretty much worked out that way. I mean... I started going out with the ex- the first time, then The Ex-, then the ex- again, then the pizza guy, the coworker, and J. I wasn't looking for anyone, except kinda in J's case... it just worked out that way. The Ex- was the first guy I slept with (unfortunately, one might say), and since that time, the longest non-penetration amount of time I've had has been four months. The first time was the choice of the ex- -- he wanted to wait on penetration, but we were fooling around otherwise -- and the second time was chronicled on here back in the spring, when I stopped sleeping with the coworker. He and I would occasionally fool around, but there wasn't any penetration, and that was the way I wanted it.

All of that is leading up to the thought I've had, and that's that a self-imposed dry spell -- even one with 'other' activities -- is one thing... having one imposed on you, without any other kind of contact, sucks. :P Especially when, yes, you are horny, but not for just anyone that happen along. Because, speaking honestly and not vainly, if I wanted to get laid, I probably could. That's not a definite, I'm sure that things have changed in other people's lives, and for all I know the last person to make me an offer has since found someone, but there was also a friend of mine who not-really asked me out... I'm sure I could turn that into something more if I wanted to. But, I don't.

I learned after the three times that I had non-romantic sexual relationships with people that I need the caring to really put myself into the act itself. As sex for sex's sake, I still enjoy the act and still want to ensure that my partner enjoys himself, but it's more like the orgasm is the goal, and let's get to that goal sooner, rather than later. When I'm in a romantic relationship with someone, sure, sometimes it's a quickie or what-have-you (as chronicled in here ;)), but I definitely feel the mood more often where I want to take my time kissing my partner all over and teasing and pleasing him, ensuring that he has the best possible time, and enjoying being pampered and teased when it's my turn.

Now that I think about it, I think the first time that J and I slept together was likely my best 'first time' with anyone. The first time is usually awkward and uncomfortable, since you're so busy learning each other's bodies and you're all excited 'cause it's the first time and all, but we had a lot of time spent on foreplay, and he was driving me insane and I was doing my best to do the same to him. When it came time for the goal... well, a few select friends have been fortunate enough to hear that story, but quite frankly, I was surprised, amazed, pleased, and very giggly. Maybe some day when I'm less conscious of his friends reading here, I'll post more details, but for now... it's weird, it's one of those lines I just can't bring myself to cross, even though he used to encourage me to do so. I think he liked the public ego boost, or at least the idea of it. ;)

Ah well... I can write stuff like that now without the feeling of regret that I used to have. That's not to say that I don't feel that at other times, like when I see him in person, but for now at least, I'm numb. Well, I'm warm, which is a pleasant change from most of today when I was freezing, but I'm not feeling all weepy and such. Apparently that part of my period has passed. :P

For people who've read this far, thoughts on Monday. At first, I was okay. I got there late and wound up sitting next to him, which had not been my plan. Then, when he went to get snacks and drinks, he wouldn't take my money for the snacks I got. Then, he got a large popcorn and we wound up sharing it. All of these are boyfriend/girlfriend things, and the fact that I couldn't enjoy them as such was a bit of salt in the wound, but I did okay. He and I had chatted a bit on ICQ earlier that afternoon (and when I say a bit, I mean about 7 or 8 lines probably), and then another 5 or 6 lines when I got home, and we said a few words to each other at the theatre, but that was about it. I know at one point when I looked over at him, or caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye, it was a case of "Damn, you look good," but what can I do about it? Nadda thing. :P

One of the girls that was at the movie and I have been emailing back and forth; she's one of the people to whom I owe email. She's had some pretty insightful and interesting things to say on the matter, and it's been really ... well, interesting I guess... to learn someone else's perspective on it.

It's unfortunate that he's not ready for a relationship right now, but y'know what? It's his loss. He told me that I was fantastic and all kinds of other things, and he said he was totally falling for me, the ex-'s cousin thought we were adorable together, all of his friends and family that I met appeared to like me, and the same applies for my friends and family -- my mom even liked him! -- and we both said we were good together... and he's missing out on that. I'm going places. I'm finishing my degree, I'm going to go places in my job as soon as I get some courage, and I might be changing various other situations as well. I'm at a great place in my life right now, and I will be building something really great here, and he's going to miss out on that. I understand where he's coming from, but quite frankly, I think there's balance that could've been achieved, but now... I don't know, maybe it's too late. Whether it is or not, it's not my move to make, that's for sure.

So, as much as I've bemoaned in here on my site, I don't want another relationship. Sure, there are things I miss about being in a couple, and these are things that you just can't do or get as a single chick, but I'm okay with that. My friends appreciate me, and I have more time and energy to devote to my schoolwork and my paid work. If someone asked me out on a date, I'd say yes, provided I was interested. *shrug* But I'm not looking for anything more, which is exactly the time when I usually meet someone and wind up in a serious relationship with them. :P

But I'm holding out for someone worthwhile, someone who'll treat me right. Ah hell, who'm I kidding? I'll probably wind up with another string of toads and get hung up on someone who'll probably physically abuse me or something equally awful. *roll* I also know that I'd likely go back out with J if he were to ask me, but first of all, I know that's not going to happen for a long time, if ever, and second of all, I'd be a lot more cautious, I know.

*roll* Okay, I'm lying to myself. I probably wouldn't be that cautious even then. *sigh* I'm stupid.

So, thinking far in advance to the only fun events that are going to be part of my life for the next little while... Hallowe'en and the work Christmas party. I have an idea for my costume for Hallowe'en, I just need to get a hair cut, hair dye, and and idea of how I'm going to put that costume together in the next little while. I want to get a black bodysuit, so I need to get to a dance supplies store in that time.

For the work Christmas party, I've heard that it's being held in our workplace this time around, which kinda sucks, and kinda leads me to think that I don't want to go spend money on a dress or go too fancy... last time, I bought a dress, and I don't think I like it very much, or didn't even half-way through the evening. I'm thinking I'll wear my high school grad dress; it's royal blue, it's longish, it's nice, and when else will I get to wear it again? :P Apparently we'll have a block of hotel rooms reserved for us, so I'll probably get a room again, even if it's just me, or if I share it with some of the other producers/ops from work, as Vicki suggested. I'd love to have a room to myself with a boyfriend... Part of me wants to set a goal of being in a relationship by that time, especially if the coworker will be showing up with his girlfriend, but the other part of me knows that that's unrealistic, calculating, and unlikely to happen anyways. I don't want a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend, that's just stupid.

But damn, I'd love to initiate one of those kind-sized beds, which I didn't take the opportunity to do last year. But last year I was exhausted, annoyed, weirded, feeling vaguely guilty, and frankly, just not interested enough. Which was weird, 'cause hotel rooms kinda make me horny. :)

Ah well, maybe I'll hook up with someone at the party. ;)

Yesterday, hanging out with Ben, waiting for Di to show up (which she never did, because she and Ben are the Polkaroo). We had a bit of a chat about hope, which I'll try to get into tomorrow, but for now, I really have to go to bed. I'm reaching cross-eyed stage, or at least the "I can't think" stage. I'll try to come up with more for tomorrow, if my faithtful readers can be bothered to read that much. ;)

And btw... use the comments section! It's there for a reason... so I know that people love me and actually read my site, not just hit it by accident. :)

Night everyone.

Oh yeah... sometimes I wonder how many of the hits I get are actually me, checking to see if anyone's posted any comments, or checking to see if what I'm writing/trying out has posted properly. :P :)

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