Just got back from the Hallowe'en party. I had to go as a cat, as I couldn't get a lab coat for my Beaker costume; another time, perhaps. Nonethless, the trashy cat worked well, although many people described it as cute. :-\ :) I'm hoping the pictures turn out well, and I took a fair number of members of the group on my own.

I read too much into things and I analyze way too much and it's just leaving me at a total loss and confusion, so I'm trying to give it up, I really am. Things just are, they just be, and trying to understand it all will just drive you insane, so might as well hang out with the cats, get the homework done and be me.

Easier said than done.

I worry that I use people, that I hurt them and they don't say, or that I don't know how properly relate to anyone; that people analyze me and discuss me and critique me behind my back. I suppose it's horribly unrealistic to expect that that doesn't happen, but I worry what they say. I worry that I won't move on in life, that I won't move past, that I won't keep going, that it'll always be out of balance.

I'm back at that skittish point that I was at a year ago, not ready to hear that someone cares about me, or likes me.

I've heard it said that one person will always love more than the other in a relationship, and that scares me. I don't know if that's true, and I don't think it is, yet it seems to play out that way when I look at my romantic past. I guess with the ex- and UBFM (The Ex-) it went back and forth, but with the pizza guy and the coworker, they were definitely more into me than I was into them, and it really sucked.

I just don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to be hurt. I want it to all work out, and I want it to all work out soon. I guess in the meantime, I should just keep dating and getting to know people; it seems to be working out okay so far.

I keep trying to derive meaning and read signs, and it doesn't work that way. This is what takes us back to the just being and stop trying to analyze it all, but I don't think it's analyzable. I don't think everyone knows what they're doing in this situation, and everyone's just going from one moment to the next; which sucks on one hand and is good on the other. I think I'm back to my fatalist roots; if it's going to work out, if it's meant to be, it will. Things happen for a reason, and there isn't really a way I can change anything at this point, it's out of my hands and up to someone else. I just hope if and when the time comes, that someone else isn't chickenshit like I am prone to be.

But for tonight, it's a long-overdue bedtime (as I didn't sleep well at all last night), and a putting of a generally crummy day behind me. Try to put aside anything I've learned today (except that meters aren't free on Saturdays, that one I'll hang on to) until I can talk it over with someone or move past it entirely.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be more coherent. Urgh. Sometimes it's difficult writing on here, because of the audience. Not that I want anyone to go away -- on the contrary, please bring more readers in! :) -- but it just means I'm careful about what I say a lot. Ah well... Digger and Shadow say hi. :)

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