Okay, a few things before I get back to work on the school stuff. Got invited to officially join Blog Sisters, so I am now a member. Whee! Very coolage.

I managed to eat a death sandwich without choking this time, so that is good. Whee!

Okay, enough with the whees! I think I'm simply tired. Or something. Urgh.

What else? LoveInk published another of my articles, which is nice. I sent them the article on vibrators; the webmaster told me he didn't expect that kind of content, and that I was going to get a cult following. Fine by me, just so long as it's a following, eh? :)

In discussion with some classmates today, they've kinda scared me out of one of my classes for next year, and I haven't really heard too many good things about the prof overall, so I think that I'm going to have to drop that course. Which means it's one less class spent in the ass end of campus building, although I still have one there. Damn. Who knows, maybe I'll redo the whole damn schedule, but that other class (Communication and International Development, which doesn't turn my crank), is taught by the same prof that I had for women and media, so maybe it'll be cool. Better check on that Gonq course I wanted, hang on... sweet, it's still on Mondays, so I may damn well take it. Yeah!

Okay, moving on. Bus musings that I was writing on the way home, then it's back to the paper:

My head is abuzz with words, but nothing to say. I don't have the concentration, the attention span to read. I have much to write, but nothing to write, no way to say it. I thirst but nothing appeals.

I need a subject for my column, a keyboard beneath my fingertips for my papers, research for my papers. I carry pens and notebooks -- soon perhaps a voice recorder? -- for the words and thoughts and ideas that float around when I am at work, on the bus, or waiting for a bus.

In moods like this, I am easily annoyed and overwhelmed by the stupidity of others. Things bother me, and anger is my only refuge, until a friend or a funny occurance diffuses the mood.

The problem now? It is cold, and my parents would rather watch television than pick me up. It is cold, and I have a paper due tomorrow I must complete. It is cold and I am wasting time sitting at the bus station, waiting for my damn connection.

Mind you, it's not -20. The cold will get worse. The waiting for the bus will get harder to bear. Other frustrations will arise. Other papers and stresses will make themselves known.

I'm at a loss for today's column topic. My paper is currently, *knock wood*, writing itself. My column is not. I don't even have a particular subject, although now fantasies are sounding appealing. Well, as subject matter, too... ;)

Lately I've been mentally exploring the darker sides of my sexual interests. They're tucked away -- usually -- in a scary/safe realm. But with accepting people and ideas in all of their manifestations comes accepting oneself as you are. That means exploring myself and accepting everything I find there, good and bad.

This is by no means an overnight event. I've been working on self-evaluation -- or as some may call it, over-analyzation -- for quite some time. But the last six months or so, that inner eye has been turned on my sexual side.

I've learned a lot about my sexual side recently, and while I still do not take kindly to being labelled a slut or a whore in most cases, I have been able to release a lot of the paranoias associated with the words and can use them in joking contexts. It's a much easier joke to hear from a female friend than a male friend, for some reason. In addition, it's a term that I've reclaimed for myself -- hence the drunkenwhore URL and the Whore's Boudoir site name.

I've had friends call me a slut in jokes, and that's fine. But a friend of mine once alluded to my having kissed a number of guys, and that bothered me a little. I mean, part of me is able to dismiss it -- sure, I've kissed a fair number of people. But, more often than not, just kissing was as far as it went. As I said in my last article, it's a pursuit I enjoy, and I see nothing wrong with that. Is someone better for having kissed only two people? How about me, am I better for having kissed two dozen? (That's just a number, but if you really want me to sit down and start counting, I can). I don't think either of us is better, although one of us may have more practice at evaluating what she likes in kisses, or how others might like to be kissed. But Every Person Is Different, so I know that what is a fabulous kiss to me is too much or not enough of something to the next person. *shrug*

Back on track, the darker side of my personality. I used to keep it hidden, because I was afraid ... well, I was afraid of a lot of things. I was afraid that others wouldn't understand it, I was afraid that I wouldn't find anyone that could play with me the way I might be interested in playing, things like that. I was never afraid that I was deviant; that question never arose in my mind. What floats my boat and makes me hotter than hell turns someone else off completely, and there's nothing wrong with either of us. It's a healthy way to look at it. Basically, what I needed was someone who could take it seriously and not make me feel awkward about my interests, someone who had a few ideas of their own.

So I've been exploring a bit more online, and doing some side reading of my own. I'm not looking to find a partner online; hell, I don't know if I'm ready for a partner yet. But I'm having fun reading and learning about things, and helping to solidify my interests a bit more. Saying, 'I'm interested in bondage' still leaves a vast arena to be explored, so reading up on the various types of bondage (among other things), is helping me to learn what turns me on and what turns me off.

I'm also well-aware that that which I read and what makes me hot in fantasy isn't necessarily going to work in real life. Fantasy is a fantastic area for your mind to explore; reality is where things can be scary, uncomfortable, or downright painful. I'm willing to try anything once, twice, or all night long (to borrow a phrase that I think the coworker used to use, actually), but only so long as it's understood that if I say "no," the issue will not be pushed until I bring it up again. If I say, "ow" or "this isn't working for me," things will stop and resume only if I say so. The same thing goes for my partner, of course.

I'm also getting to accept my body as it is. Yes, I would love to lose some weight from my middle, hips and thighs, but for the most part, my body isn't that bad. So many times I have to remind myself that when I'm looking at a naked guy, someone I'm about to have wild monkey sex with, my brain is not cataloguing his figure flaws and getting turned off... so why should I assume that the same naked guy is doing the same to me? I've never been told, "I'd like you better if you lost weight." I've never been told, "You'd be sexier if..." I've never been told, "You'd be more attractive if..."

Instead, I've been told, "It's so sexy to see you writhing." "You look so sexy when..." "I'm picturing you like ... and you look so hot." (And that last didn't include any modifications on my body, just the addition of a few key accessories, as it were. ;)

I've never been called fatty or fatso or tub or a whale. Instead, I've been called a hottie (by people I have not and never will be dating), a cutie, a sexy vixen, just plain sexy.. and I've received a number of offers for no-strings attached sex. Okay, so I want someone to see me for more than just my body and want me as a person, but hey, the thought is there, right? Or something.

I've had a few virgins want me to be their first. I've had a few non-virgins want me to be their number whatever. I've been the best for a few people, and I've likely been the worst for at least two. All of these things go into me, and they're the good and the bad, and I can accept them. They're part of my past, present and future. All in all, I don't think it's that bad of a place to be, or a person to be, regardless of what a few people might think or say.

So I'm at a place in my life now where I'm willing to explore and play around a little bit. Whether it's going to work out or not remains to be seen, but y'know what? I'm looking forward to the finding out. :)

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