Random thoughts:

For the life of me, I never thought that at the ripe old age of 22, I'd be someone's 'older woman' fantasy.

My eyes look sad, or at least down.

I'm giving up on wanting for myself.

I'm giving up on people.

I want to stop feeling like this.

There are only four weeks left of school, or thereabouts. Then I get my vacation time, my holidays, my crazy work schedule.

Jay and I were talking about going to Montreal. Maybe I'll stay there. Or in New York or wherever else I go. Stop using the computer, no more email, lose my cell phone, and just hide from everyone for awhile.

I want my hair to go back to blonde so that I can wear my red and purple tops again.

I want all the snow to go away so that I can be warm.

When is it unfair to act so that you might be happy? What if your actions hurt someone else? What if they hurt you for some time, but you know that in the end, you'll be happy?

When should you realize that your actions are only hurting yourself, even if they're temporarily making you happy?

I'm tired of waiting for people. "Just wait for a year or two, I'll come around, he'll come around, it'll be a better time..." When is someone going to have to wait for me? Has anyone ever waited for me? Waiting is just a crock. It's an unfair thing to do to someone if you know you aren't going to want to be with them again, and that's why I discourage it from my end. Why then, can't I discourage myself from waiting? Why do I keep meeting unavailable people?

I think I make a bad girlfriend. Or at least, a bad ex-girlfriend. How do some people deal so well with breakups?

I need to forget the last several years, just forget about them and leave them behind. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change all of my actions, take a different path. How would I turn out if I had done that? Would I still be the open person I am today?

I hate when you think someone's being totally open with you, and you're being totally open with them, and then you find out there are vast amounts of things you never learned, and you feel like a tool because all of your cards are on the table. Maybe I just need to stop being so me.

I was directing Mark to something in my archives to illustrate something about the novel that I'm attempting, and he found something I'd written September 17th. I'd remembered writing it, but not the specifics. And right there, I said I wouldn't be so open. Feh. That worked well, eh?

What's best? Running away until I think I'm better and then coming back and seeing, or staying here and trying to innoculate myself slowly with limited exposure?

Maybe I will run away to Europe.

Maybe I'll proposition the ex- for sex.

I don't want anyone to love me. I don't want to be loved, I don't want to love, because that's when the hurting starts. I want someone to care about me and feel warmly towards me, be concerned for me and look after me somewhat, and I want to feel the same, but I don't want it to hurt when it ends. I want to be able to say, 'Oh, you've found someone else? Well, we had a good run, but I'm happy for you.' and wave them on their way.

I'm so tired of it all. I'm tired of the games, the stupidities, the frustrations, the dynamics, the everything. I want to just find Mr. Right and be done, and I don't want anyone at all. Right now, I don't want anyone. I want to make myself a career, have my friends, and just have meaningless flings once in awhile, to borrow a turn of phrase.

I just don't think I have anything left. How many times do you have to fall before someone catches you and stays around?

And why can't it be the one that I want to catch?