Heh, neat. Don't know who submitted the link, but what the hell? Also got a link for Whore's Boudoir for a chick who liked my article about break-ups.

Went out after work last night with G, the guy from work, again for a quick drink and snack. Chatted with D afterwards and the conversation got around somehow to me waiting until he slept with someone else before I did. I learned that he'd made out with a couple of girls at his school. I'm not pure; I've kissed someone a few times, too.

It's a familiar heat and pain to learn about things like that. It definitely changes things in my head, and lessens any hope I might've had. I've had a fair number of conversations with one of my hosts about the relationship, but they're often hurried and with him sort've saying things that I maybe kinda agree with and not being able to respond or refute/discuss them as thoroughly as I might like.

I know I can't be really upset about this. After all, it was said we weren't going to stay together, and so neither of us has done anything wrong. That definitely doesn't make this any easier, though. And it's so like when the ex- was away at school/when we went on breaks... having to ask the questions to find things out, then getting to feel that cold heat in my chest and stomach when I learn the answers. Ironic that the two guys I actually said the words to are the ones that I got to watch pack and leave. Mind, the ex- and I did the long-distance thing.

It's so weird and sorta messed up in this situation, too. How am I supposed to feel when someone says "I love you and I miss you and I think about you all the time and I want to be there with you now" and variations on that theme... and then I learn that they've made out with a couple of people?

And no, I'm not writing this to try to make D feel bad. He said he felt bad that I felt bad... well, that seems kinda unfair to me. Don't feel bad 'cause I feel bad. I feel bad for plenty of reasons, and they shouldn't all affect you. If you want to feel bad on your own, that's different. But don't worry about me. As I say all the time, I'll be fine. I always am. Have to be.

I just... I hate that I have to be in this place. I hate that I have to feel for someone I can't be with. I hate that the person I'm with isn't here. I hate that in some ways, we want to be together, and aren't. I hate that a part of me is waiting to move on to see where things might happen to go. I hate that I feel as if I sleep with someone first, that ends things completely, so I'm waiting for him to sleep with someone first so I can feel my spirit get crushed and go through all of that again. I hate that part of me is holding back on my emotions and the other part of me isn't bothering to.

With the ex-, I was being strung along until he found someone better. And even when he found someone else, he was still trying to have sex with me and phone sex with me. I don't want to be in that place again. I don't sense that that's what D's doing, but the ex- didn't set out to do that, either. He admitted that he was starting to think of me as a sex toy, and that wasn't what he wanted. But he did still try to cyber sex me after the last time we got together, because his gf wouldn't say/do things that I would say/do. I don't want that to happen with D.

Yes, D's the most sexually compatible person I've ever been with. That part of our relationship was fun, and sure, I miss it. But there's a lot more that I miss as well, and that's a big part of what's kept me from going out to look for someone else right away. Besides, why is it that everyone seems to think I need to be in another relationship right away? Why can't I have some me time? Besides the point.

I don't want to become the girl that D keeps in touch with because we have great sex together. Part of me doesn't want to hear the "I love yous" while he's off pursuing other girls. But part of me does want to hear them, because as much as I do my best to hide it and every other emotion I have, I desperately want to be loved and held and kept and supported by someone who I love and hold and keep and support. I just also want to be with that person at the same time. It's the same as when we were dating; I love and hate to hear it. It makes me happy and it makes me sad.

There are a lot of things I hate right now, and they make me sad. It's a tough place to be, and I've been here before, too many times.

Anyway, to all the people who didn't want to read this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you feel hurt by what I said, or if it makes you feel bad. That's not my intention, and a big part of me thought about tucking this away in a private journal, only to be read by a select few, like some of my friends do. I thought about writing this in my book, so that no one would ever read it, and to be honest, I've still censored myself somewhat. There are still things here that no one will be reading. They exist at this moment only in my head, and I'm not even entirely sure what they are myself. Feelings, heat, uncertainty, weirdness in my stomach... all of the above.

For now, I'm off to my job. I have some caffeine-laden tea and some chocolate mint tea, neither of which taste like tea and that I'm looking forward to trying out today. I had a dream about my new job last night and two nights ago I had a dirty dream that I don't really remember. Sometimes I try to think about having prophetic dreams, but it never happens. Or at least, the events about which I dream haven't happened yet, and most of them I assume won't.

But whatever, I need to shower, get dressed and have breakfast. If what I've said has upset or hurt someone, I apologize, and I mean it. It's not my intention to hurt anyone here; I just need to write to get things off my chest and help settle my mind, and maybe even explain it to a few people, if I can. And hey; my life ain't all sex and lollipops. I just have to remember that sometimes, I guess.