I have been pestered by two people recently to update my site more.

The thing is, I haven't been updating it much for a reason. Namely, any update that I post would run along the same lines: "I hate myself, I feel like crap, I don't enjoy life, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm boring" and so on, and people tend to get annoyed when I post that stuff, so I haven't.

I've been going through a pretty low period lately, and I can't explain it. I said tonight to a friend that I need a boyfriend (although I could probably make do for a bit with a cat); I need someone to show me love and to whom I could show love. I have so much to give, and such a huge mooshy heart, and I don't hand it over easily, and I protect it well, and I really do want to share it with someone.

Someone special and deserving, who'll treat it well. Someone who doesn't imply that I'm a slut, or make me feel bad about myself, or ignore me or treat me like shit. Seems pretty intuitive, doesn't it?

Someone who makes me feel good after talking to them, even if I don't talk about what's on my mind. Someone who is content to hold me and enjoy the feeling of my body against his. Someone who puts up with my annoying moods the same way I do his. :)

I wonder sometimes if I really know what love is. I'm pretty certain that I've felt romantic love a few times in my life, for another person. Love is messy, and leaves you attached to someone long after you want to let go. Love means that even if you don't give that person the ammunition to do it, they can hurt you so easily with just a word. And never know it.

Love is staring at someone longingly and craving them so much and wanting to hold them, even when you're angry with them.

Love is wanting to make that other person happy.

I have problems with power. I have problems handing over my heart to someone, or showing them they can affect me, because then they have power over me.

I don't want him to know he can hurt me. I don't want him to know he has hurt me, unless it means that he'll change his behaviour. I want him back. I want to feel his body against mine, I want to make him laugh and hear him talk about his interests and hold him and touch him and look into his eyes and feel loved.

Who's him?

I want what I can't have. That's always been how it goes for me. Being dumped makes the longing that much harder to bear. That's why I often end things first; I might still want, but at least I know it's because it's not what I can't have. It's because I still care.

I care too easily, too much, and for too long afterwards. I have to hide that I care, otherwise I get hurt. I get hurt a lot, but no one ever sees it. No one ever knows, because I do my best to avoid crying in front of others. I hide in my room and sob and no one ever hears it, or if they do, they leave me alone.

I want so much for someone for me, someone for just me who wants just me, who doesn't want to explore the field or be with others. I want someone that I want for just me. I want to know that that someone is just for me and is there to rub my back or hold me or bring me a glass of milk or share my bed. I want to look at someone when they say, "I love you," and know they mean it with everything. I want to look at someone and say, "I love you," and have it be forever.

I want to make a life with someone, or at least share my life with someone. Someone who can tough everything out, who can make it work, who is strong enough to be there for me and need me in return.

I want someone who won't keep hurting me, who won't use me and my emotions. I want someone who can realize just how much I feel when I say what I feel, who realizes how much pent-up emotion, how strong that emotion is. Not someone who just says the words, not someone who only sorta feels it, not someone who's only with me because I'm convenient.

I want someone who wants me the way I want him.

Who's him?