I would like to take a moment to mock a Dear Abby letter, and then my lunch.

Please note the total overuse of "action quotes" (a common problem with Dear Abby I find, but for once it's not her doing it):

I have been married for 18 years. Two years ago, I met "Rita." She was "the girl of my dreams," and we moved in together. Our relationship was "unstoppable." My wife and I began divorce proceedings.

Three weeks ago, my doctor told me there was a good chance I had cancer. I needed more tests. I panicked and ran back to my wife and children. I wanted them to hear it from me. I told them I "might" get very sick from the disease and the treatment. I ended up going on a one-week vacation with my family. Rita said she understood I needed to be with them.

On the first day of vacation, I realized how much I missed Rita and decided to call her. There was no answer. When I called her the next day at her job, she said, "I have moved on," and hung up. I was shocked because she had always told me we were "soul mates and our love would never die." Now she won't give me the time of day and has threatened to notify the police if I keep calling.

Abby, the irony is -- I don't have cancer. It's four small cysts. At my suggestion, my wife agreed to e-mail Rita to tell her that I am not sick after all, and that she and I are not sleeping together. So far there has been no response from Rita.

Now I don't know what to do. I think Rita broke up with me not knowing all the facts. What do you think?

My comment to Shawn, with whom I share all manner of stupid Internet things: My wife agreed to email Rita to tell her they're not sleeping together?!?! WTF kind of doormat is this woman/!?!?!

And next, my lunch mocking. Today I had a frozen dinner thingy from President's Choice, their Butter Chicken. Not bad, much better in restaurants (of course), but a filling meal nonetheless. I made sure I ate it all 'cause I'm going to the gym tonight and need the energy. Anyhow, on the side, with the preparation instructions, there is this:

4. For an authentic Indian taste experience, spoon chicken and sauce over rice before serving.

Oh yes, because it's the separation of rice from chicken and sauce that prevents this from being an authentic Indian taste experience. Let's just completely disregard the fact that it's a friggin' President's Choice frozen dinner that might detract from the authentic Indian taste experience, shall we?

Okay, so I had much more cutting remarks in my head earlier. Shut up. I just wanted to be able to post where I was mocking my lunch. I mean, c'mon -- who bothers to take the time in our busy schedules, with our running all about trying to get the kids from soccer practice and piano lessons, and get the husband his martini, slippers and newspaper, not to mention preparing a hot, nutritious meal for everyone and have it ready on the table for when the husband gets home from work... And I have to make sure I prepare lots of exciting, positive conversation for the dinner table, because I can't burden my hard-working husband with my problems when he's just home from a hard day of work at the office! It's tough work being a wife.

Sorry, just channeled some 1950s advice guides for wives, I think. I'm okay now.

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