2004/06/19

I want to be held and comforted and I want the weird feelings to go away and I want to stop feeling emotional and like I'm going to burst into tears and I want to feel special and not just there and possessing of the right parts and you're drunk so none of this matters but it does matter to me and I don't know if you understand that.

I want to be drunk so my mind stops working. I want to be alone in a crowd of people. I want to explain myself to you, and have you know how I'm feeling and maybe be feeling the same way. But I don't think you do and so this kinda hurts and my emotions are all over the place and it doesn't make sense anymore. Nothing makes sense anymore and I need it to make sense but I can't so I'm confused and I'm lost and I'm left wondering... always wondering. Did I do the right thing? My brain says yes. Lots of me says yes. But I want to say yes. I want to ... I want to say what I'm feeling and have you say yes.

I want to have moved on and stop feeling feelings. I need to... just stop. I need to stop and I need to move forward. Are both possible? Is what I'm thinking or feeling possible? I don't know. All I know is that it's what I'm feeling and there it is.

And you... well. As for you -- the other you -- I wish I understood you. I just don't think that's possible. I think there are a lot of things that I don't know, that you're not telling me and here I am. Fill me in? I doubt you will. Why do my double standards exist and take over my mind? At least I recognize them for what they are, right? Right.

Hold me?

I'm a bad mom, too. I have a fish that has been dying -- very slowly -- for the last age and a half. My kitten hasn't seen enough of me the last few days, and she'll probably be kinda pissed at me tomorrow, 'cause she's being left alone again for awhile.

I just want to feel like I belong to someone, even if it's just for a night, making it not very real. It's not the sex I want, although I'm still attracted... I do want that, but I want it to be something more. I don't want it to be just 'cause I'm there with the right parts and you don't hate me. Do you hate me? Sometimes I still wonder... other times, I'm kinda sure you don't.

1 comment:

ac_195 said...

Hi. Ummm...i get that way a lot too. I wish i knew the answer...but...oh well. Like, i've tried to shut down and not feel...and i worries the hell out of my friends, but it works...sometimes...