It's like somehow, somewhere, there's a part of me that wants to push things and test them and force them into something different, in order to change them and screw them up. I don't understand why... Why is there this self-destructive streak? Where is the part of my brain that has to analyze and question and doubt and test everything? Why wasn't this around and useful when I was in university?

And no, I'm not even analyzing what you think I am. This is me, it's internal, it's me being up in my head - never a good place for me to be. Goodie.