Last night was a fairly quiet night. I didn't go to pho, for it isn't diet-friendly (though next week I might, since I think this weekend will mark the progression to the next level of dieting), and I watched my shows. The spook was supposed to get in touch with me after his softball game, but only used MSN to do it, so we didn't actually speak until nearly 9; at which point I figured it was too late in the evening and he had already progressed to the beer and underwear portion of his evening.

I had a really good nap with Venus last night, which of course screwed me up somewhat for sleeping that evening. However, as I was lying in bed, trying to get some sleep, I had some random thoughts go floating through my mind that I actually retained well enough to post here today.

But first, a recap of last night's dream. I know you all look forward to these, because it represents insight into my mind (and as one person has put it, shows what it is that concerns me). Namely, last night I dreamt that I was eating bread, and lots of popcorn. I'm sure there were other aspects to the dream, but that was it. Sad, no?

See, the diet is more or less going well -- at times I do crave sweets, but I resist (or I do something like eat fat-free jell-o, or the ricotta cheese. Not quite as satisfying as chocolate, but...). I don't necessarily crave a lot of other foods, but I miss them. I miss the convenience of bringing a sandwich to work, or making some pasta for supper, or even just having some perogies. Alas, alack and so on.

For now, I just daydream of getting to parade around in a string bikini and show off my newly awesome body. Who knows -- if I manage to stay to the diet and so on, this is something that could even happen this summer. And yes, I would share pictures of that, 'cause well -- everyone should enjoy skinny/muscly Jen, not just the cats and I. :)

But anyhow, last night's thoughts. I realized that I've become even more semi-censored by my audience than I realized. See, there seems to be a way that people who are new to reading blogs react to the authors when they know them in person. It's not the same for everyone, but some people like to tell the author every time they have read, are reading, or are about to read their blog. I'm not sure the exact purpose, whether it's to prove they are True Friends(tm), or to point out to the author, "hey, watch what you say, I'm reading your site!" or what, but... there you have it.

Others like to talk to the author about what they've written recently, even if it's just something minor like, "I hear you're missing breads" or "Wow, you're a freak for dreaming about eating bread!" (for the record, I don't usually have food dreams). Again, this seems to be a way of proving to the author that they read your site, or demonstrating some weird stalking agenda. Not sure.

Whether it's intended or not, having people point out to me that they read my site tends to serve to remind me that this person or that person does in fact read it fairly regularly. Big deal, right? This is my site, right?



I'm not looking to start major wars because of my private thoughts. I have long held the belief that my thoughts are not that different from others', I'm just more willing to express them sometimes. I'm more willing to state that so-and-so is a snake-oil salesman, or that person has wicked body odor. But that's in the privacy of the ears of select, trusted people. I can only hope/assume that the people who I entrust with these thoughts doesn't go running off to the person or persons whom I am describing to tell them what I think.

When it comes to this blog, however, I cannot do that. I cannot trust that I can write, "OMFG I HATE THIS PERSON AND S/HE'S SUCH AN ASS AND DID THIS AND I WANTED TO PUNCH HER/HIM RIGHT IN THE BABY-MAKER" and they won't go telling the next day, "So, I was reading your blog yesterday..."

Because I assume that if ever you have read my site once, you could theoretically be reading my blog now. This is not a vanity thing; I am not hurt if my friends aren't reading daily. This is simply a precaution thing. If ex-boyfriend X got the link or had the link or read it once upon a time, I can only assume that he is or could be reading it now -- and so I censor myself accordingly. If I want to.

With other exes, I don't really care if they read about what an ass they were. Some of them genuinely were, regardless of how I might have acted at the time. I've never claimed to be perfect, and in fact regularly state otherwise. But I am pretty good in bed. ;)

But sometimes, there is information about my life that I don't want people to have. Maybe I don't want this person to know that I hate that person, or maybe I don't want this person to know that I have started sleeping with that person. In some cases, I'm trying to avoid hurt feelings, and in other cases, I just don't want them to know -- it's not their business to know, unless I choose to tell them. And if it's that touchy of a subject, then there are better ways for them to go about learning than by reading it on my blog.

The same goes for my sexual experiences in general. If I don't want someone to know that I've started seeing someone else, then chances are I don't want them to know the quality of whatever physical activity is taking place between us, yes? Yes. I don't feel it's my business to go around saying that this ex-boyfriend like that, or this ex- was endowed like that. It's information to share with a few choice friends, not the net at large.

And though at times I might wish to bemoan the quality or lack thereof, or the endowments or lack thereof of someone in my life or in the life of a friend of mine, I can't. There's always the chance that person may read it and be hurt. There's always the chance the rest of you may read it and get the very wrong impression about me.

Because self-censorship has both its benefits and its drawbacks. Benefits? Well, I've listed them above. Drawbacks? There's always the chance that people will get the wrong impression about me, and assume that, as may have happened with one of my last posts, I am only concerned about the size of what my gentleman callers have between their legs. In describing conflicts, it is obvious that you're only getting one side of the story, and so the situation may not be fairly presented. And finally, I may also forget to include key information that would help to contextualize a given situation.

So one of my solutions was to form the Whore's Boudoir. There, I can discuss things from my past in an abstract manner, without directly pointing fingers. But of course, that method is not perfect either. If I were to post something tomorrow about bad sex, for example, it would be assumed that my most recent sexual experience(s) hvae been horrible, whether or not that was actually the case -- or my intention in sharing that information. If I post about infidelity and admit to a past that was less-than-pure, it becomes 'common knowledge' that I am a dirty, trampy whore who can't keep my legs together for less than five minutes. Past boyfriends can tell you that is definitely not the case, and in fact the Boyfriend Quest is something I've been undertaking for awhile. I love monogamy, and I tried to make that clear in my post.

But I'm not trying to defend that, merely continue my verbose explanation of the drivel that fills my site lately.

I don't quite have the courage to bare it all, as it were, and damn the torpedos, full steam ahead. I value my friendships too much for that, and so I will occasionally bite down on my keyboard (work with me here, I'm bastardizing a metaphor) and refrain from proselytizing on and on about how great or awful a time I had with someone who happens to read my site. I will do my best to avoid slagging the characters or habits of those who might read my site, and I will, unfortunately, refrain from posting in great details the more salacious aspects of my personal life.

Unless I'm feeling creative and want to turn it into a Porn by a Chick post.

Or a Whore's Boudoir article.

Or who knows, even work it into a short story for Angry Apostrophe.

After all, they always say to write what you know...

And in the meantime, I ask that you all have patience with me if sometimes it seems as though I talk about my cats too much, or my crazy dreams. If nothing else, it'd be difficult for anyone to get too angry with me for those subjects.

But in future, I promise to try to post more introspective stuff -- if for no other reason than to prove that I do spend time speculating on subjects other than what's between my or my date's legs.

No comments: