A series of letters and lists, to make life complete:

Dear sweater,

I do not understand what exactly you’re doing, or why you don’t look exactly like the picture even when I follow the directions you are giving me, but I will continue knitting you because you’re cute, knit up quickly, and in the end, aren’t that complicated.

Dear life,

Please stop becoming so stressful and complicated. I appreciate that you want me to be busy, and I understand that ultimately, it is my own fault that things are as crazy as they are, but really, I didn’t ask for all of this. Please slow down so that I could.

Dear co-op housing people,

Please call more often than once every blue moon. I would like to understand how you can say you want us in for April 1st, but take over a week to call me after I submit my application, then almost another week to call me after you cancel our original appointment, even though you said you’d call the next day or a day later. Please understand that the Smooshy and I cannot necessarily meet you six or seven hours later in the same day, just because it is convenient for you. My schedule is fairly flexible, but his is not, and you are the ones who want both of us there, which I do understand.

Dear professors,

Thank you for finally returning my calls and emails. I understand that you are busy people, especially now, and I appreciate that you have time to meet me. It is vaguely frustrating to have to leave my job early twice this week and come in late (possibly) on another day to accommodate this, but I will do so, because the university has decreed it necessary for me to suddenly sign on with a research supervisor and thesis subject a full year before I planned to start, some five or six months before your original deadline, and at least six months before I thought I had to have everything finalized in my head, let alone paperwork.

Dear university,

Fuck you. You tried to fuck me in my undergrad, but I wouldn’t let you. Now, you’re trying to fuck me in my grad, and it looks as though you may succeed. I’m watching you, and I’m somewhat pleased that you don’t offer a PhD program, because I wouldn’t want to take it there anyways.

Dear me,

1. Enjoy the fact that you will have a motorcycle out and on the road this weekend.
2. Remember to call the local centre to have the bike checked out and fixed, where required.
3. Pay your bills.
4. Put money in your Royal account for your debt and your mom.
5. Have gift finished at least 2 weeks before the wedding.
6. Attend all wedding-related events wherever schedule allows.
7. Assist in planning of non-tame bachelorette party, should schedule allow.
8. Try to resist counting down to April 10th. At least, pretend you’re not.
9. Meet with professors: 1 down, 2 to go. Avoid begging, it’s unprofessional.
10. Turn in all related paperwork before April 7th.
11. Avoid killing professor.
12. Put together draft paper for Wednesday, March 29th.
13. Meet with classmates to create powerpoint slides for presentation on April 5th.
14. Submit first final paper for April 5th.
15. Present first final paper for April 5th.
16. Write up justification, *grounded in science*, for second final paper, for April something.
17. Submit second final paper, group exercise, for April14th (may be me submitting, may not).
18. Remember to breathe.

Dear work,

Why are you getting busy now, after so long where you weren’t? While I appreciate the thought and the effort, ohmygod I already have a lot on my mind. But that’s okay, it keeps me from wishing I could use the plastic knife I have here to slit my wrists. Or someone else’s.

Dear weight,

Please go away. While the Smooshy may appreciate the fact that my butt apparently wiggles when I sneeze naked, I’m not sure I do.

Dear sweet tooth,

You and I have been friends and enemies for a long time. I think we need to start seeing other people, though.

Dear motivation,

Please arrive soon.

Dear sex drive,

I miss you.

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