I had an interesting discussion with Markuk yesterday about the ways in which women end up manipulating men -- and how we have to do it.

Now, let me pre-empt this by saying that I'm against manipulation as a general rule. If you want something from me, tell me, don't try to trick me into doing or saying it. Unless we're in a long-term relationship and you want me to put out, then you can 'trick' me into doing it by getting me hot and bothered, in which case I'll probably wind up jumping you.

*cough* Sorry, brain side-tracked there.

Anyways, I do think that overt manipulation -- where both parties know damn well what's going on -- can be entertaining. I used to do this to Markuk on occasion, where I 'manipulate' him into staying late at work talking to me or what-have-you. No harm, no foul.

But in order to keep peace between the genders, at least in the realm of love and war, sometimes there is some subtle machinations that have to take place. I was saying that it was our way of evening the game out, since I feel men typically wind up holding all the cards in the relationship world. That said, there are times where I do sense I have the greater power in the relationship, and it bothers me... at the same time, feeling insecure and uncertain and off-balance is always horrible.

An edited version of our conversation follows:

Me: There is a certain level of comfort and security in knowing a guy likes you, even if you don't want to pursue it right then; I had that with GLR
Him: kind of unfair, ;-)
Me: Yup, but we let you guys hold most of the deck, so having one or two cards sometimes feels like just evening out the odds
Him: what is this 'guys hold the deck' BS?
Him: lol
Me: zomg, you guys have the deck completely stacked in your favour
Him: how so? no, really.
Him: and don't give me this 'we don't have periods o[r] babies' nonsense - I mean, relationship-wise. ;-)
Me: Oh, I wasn't going to play that angle, so shut up :)
Him: k, jokes aside - explanations, please. ;-)
Me: This would be slightly easier over the phone, but I'll see what I can do.
Me: Even in a great relationship, women have to play games in order to keep from scaring away men.
Me: It's bullshit, and I hate it, but we do it.
Me: If I was completely honest with [insert name of boy here], I'd have scared him away immediately after we met. And really, if a guy acted towards me the way I sort of wanted to act, I'd be terrified, too -- unless I felt the same way in return.
Me: We have to let you guys think that certain things are your idea -- monogamy in the relationship, sharing keys, moving in together, whatever -- otherwise, we're pushing for commitment or trying to move too quickly, or just crazy-marriage-baby-centric.
Him: k, fair enough.
Me: So even though I'd love to say to a boy, "Hey, I really like you, and I'd like it if we were just seeing each other," I'm not going to bring it up until he does.
Me: So, because I'm a paranoid twit and completely lacking in self-confidence, I'm going to have moments of wondering if he's seeing other people, until we have that conversation -- that he has to initiate.
Me: At the same time, I'm not going to feel guilty if I meet someone else for coffee, even though I'm not going to let it go beyond just casual hanging out, because I don't want to compromise things and I'm not interested in dating multiple people at the moment.
Me: Hell, I'm not even sure if I can go ahead and lean in and kiss him when I want to, lest I'm being too assuming or whatnot -- another game we have to try to play.
Me: Mind you, most guys seem to like forward girls and don't really object about them making first moves, but still...
Me: Can't seem too 'comfortable/girlfriendy' too early on -- although I might've been relatively open with him in some regards.
Him: yes, you're touching on the first rule of guy paranoia.... the fact that we guys have to make the first moves for everything.
Me: Yeah, I know
Him: especially annoying when we find you hard to read...
Me: And I feel bad, but really... I've only made the first move a few times.
Him: and has it ever backfired?
Me: I couldn't actually think of a time where I did the first kiss, so I did it with the last guy. Seemed to go okay, though the kiss itself was a bit of a letdown
Me: Don't think so; I'm fairly kissable. ;)
Him: lol - exactly! ;-)

As a rule, I don't like playing games, but realistically, I always am in a sense. I'm usually holding part of myself back until I'm comfortable and know that I can relax and act on my usual impulses/instincts. Although it's a good thing that I don't, as a rule, 'cause otherwise more people might be getting kisses when they don't want them! :)

Anyhow, time to get to the thesis proposal. I've already had a bit of my "oh my god I can't do this I'm going to fail and not only won't they let me have an MA, but they're also going to take away my BA" freakout, so I should be okay for the evening.

Once I turn this in, I plan on spending the rest of the weekend drunk. And then, once I get my other class paper turned in, I'll be spending the rest of the month drunk. It'll be a very merry Christmas for me!

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