I really wish I could turn off this over-analytical, paranoid mind of mine sometime. I suspect I’d be happier and better rested.

I also wish I could stick to goals I set, be they completing a knitting project, exercising more, reading for school, writing or even cleaning. At least I got through all the laundry on the weekend – so long as folding it doesn’t count.

In other news, my appointment has been posted, and barring any objections between here and the end of the week, I will have (FINALLY) been promoted. It may not be the prompt ‘nuts to you’ I had been hoping for, but it’s better than nothing – and it certainly never would have happened in my past role.

I have to say, it can be very challenging dating someone who feels that talking about an issue once or twice is sufficient, even if it’s a problem – at least for one of you – that seems to come up semi-regularly (or at least, that’s when I end up obsessing about it). There are times I don’t even bother raising my concerns anymore because I’m fairly certain all I’ll get is a “we’ve talked about this before” in response, which admittedly is a fair response, even if it doesn’t resolve anything more.

Sure, life would be easier if I just learned to let go and stop over-thinking things, but I don’t want to be unhappy, and I don’t want to go around in a delusional state thinking everything is fine until one day it’s not and it’s simply too late. So, where’s the middle ground?

Maybe it really is with therapy, like my gf M suggested, and which I’ve also considered. Goodness knows I don’t know how else to express myself, or if there are other ways of looking at it that I haven’t considered. I see things from my perspective, so automatically I’m biased. And I’m frustrated, because part of me doesn’t want to acknowledge that this is frustrating and making me unhappy, or tell others that there are problems. I also get frustrated that I have friends who’ve said in the past, “we should all be able to talk about this stuff, so that we might be able to help one another,” yet it seems as though any attempts I’ve made to bring up the subject go nowhere. And I’m sorry, but I’m not willing to have one-sided conversations of that nature – I feel there should be balance, and it should be equal or relatively equal sharing, not just me off-loading and that’s that. After all, I have the internet ether for that.

And I’m continuously frustrated by the state of my body. I am fat, and I don’t like the way I look naked, and I can’t help but think that I’m not the only one that feels that way (although I don’t think I’ve actually gained much if any weight in the last year, so yay at least on that). I keep making resolutions, and I don’t think I’m eating *that* poorly – I make a fruit smoothie for breakfast most mornings, and I often have celery and peanut butter as my afternoon snack (though I forgot to pack it this morning). I’m trying to snack on melba toasts and other reasonable snacks when I am hungry, and I know, I need more vegetables.

I also need to get moving, and I think I just need to get out of the house and get me time, so that’s what I’m going to be trying to do. I can mope about and feel the way I’ve been feeling, or I can try to do something about it, and I’m choosing the second option. I just wish I didn’t feel … all of this.

1 comment:

Mad said...

You can exercise with me!