Apparently my response to a frustrating month at work is to get drunk on a glass and a half of merlot and follow the cats around main floor, telling them that I love them.

I think I'll postpone my latest rant for now. I'm sure there's some inanimate object that needs to be told it's loved.

You want, you need, you have to have.

These, along with a number of predictable questions, are the statements I've been hearing most often when it comes to the wedding planning.

Though to be honest, a lot of the "you want" are more likely to be "I want... so you have to have." For example, when I said that I didn't know if I was going to be carrying flowers down the aisle, I was meant with, "but I want to carry flowers!" from my sister, and "oh, but you have to have flowers at a wedding, at least a few!" from my mother.

A former coworker of mine, before I got engaged, told me that I wanted a giant diamond engagement ring, and a traditional white dress (this was in response to my stating that I wanted to wear a purple ball gown down the aisle). She was certain she'd managed to change my mind with regards to both of these things, but here we are now -- and I don't have a giant diamond ring. In fact, I requested a smaller stone so that a) I could get the setting I liked, b) it was cheaper. And the only reason I went for a diamond was because it was a Canadian diamond. Tragically, not one of the ones with the polar bear etched on it, but ah well -- maybe a for a future anniversary present. Although I've been told I'm not getting anymore jewelry.

Anyhow... you have to have. That's my favourite of all the wedding-related statements, because it really reinforces what people think of as traditional. To some, it's lighting a unity candle, or jumping over a broom, or smashing cake in the other's face. Not that anyone has told me I have to have any of these things, but I use them to illustrate my point. What I have to have at the wedding is simple and consists of a very short list of things: me, the fiance, and the officiant. Everything else is window dressing.

And then there's you need. Oh, how I'm loving you need lately, especially since it's coming from people like the fiance or the future mother-in-law (though passed along to me by the fiance). You need to start getting the invitations ready, you need to update the wedding website, you need you need you need. Guess what? There are two of us, four parents, and six bridal party members that could very easily be helping with all of this crap -- it does not have to fall entirely on my shoulders.

And don't get me wrong, of course I love the fiance when I'm not plotting his demise. But we're both admitted procrastinators, and we're both better at getting up off our asses and doing various things. He's the one that reaches the point of "it's time to clean" and will drag me along in his wake. I'm the one that sees the deadline approaching on wedding things and either goes ahead and books the appointments, or gives him a deadline by which they have to be done and then waits for him to reluctantly agree. Because yes, he knows they have to be done, but setting up the registry is definitely not as enticing as lying on the couch and watching football.

I understand, I do. There are plenty of wedding tasks that I'm not exactly gung-ho about. That's partly why I've been the apathetic bride-to-be that I am: I'm not interested in spending days on end interviewing, researching, chasing down, whatever. If I find a dress that I like, I'm going to buy it. I know me -- I have a lot on the go, especially with work (and my coworker out on mat leave -- though now I can train her eventual replacement the way I want!), and I'm just going to run out of time. So sometimes this means that rather than ask the fiance multiple times for multiple weeks to take care of something, I just go ahead and do it. Though heaven help me if he tells me I should do things that he's perfectly capable of doing... yet at the same time, my control freak side is coming out again. I do like handling everything and knowing what's going on. I'm just a mess.

But more than the assignment of tasks is the questions and assumptions from people that are driving me up the wall. I've had people ask to see the dress, I've had people ask me if they can come to the wedding, I've had people tell me they're available the day of the wedding. I've had (now four) people try to launch careers off my wedding -- including offering services as a wedding gift. With one person in particular, she was never on the invite list (I don't even know her last name) -- yet she offered services as her wedding gift to us. Thanks, but since you were never going to be on the guest list, there's no obligation on your part to give us a gift.

*sigh* And the guest list is giving me more than a few conniptions. The fiance has a large family, and isn't willing to cut any of them. As I probably said before, he's said that he doesn't expect they'll all show, but they all still have to be invited -- so there's always that chance. What it means is that a) definitely no host bar (and not even a subsidized one at that), but also that I'm having to trim my side accordingly. So on the days I'm feeling crabby -- and especially at individuals in particular -- I start slashing my guest list.

I'm trying to use fair criteria for my list -- other than my fluctuating moods. Have they been a part of our relationship? Have they met and spoken to the fiance for longer than five minutes? Are they people whose company I genuinely enjoy? Do I socialize with them outside of group situations? Would I willingly spend an evening with them? Would I buy them dinner on a normal occasion?

But most importantly -- do I feel that they want to be here to celebrate the fiance and I taking a new step together?

Later, I'll share my thoughts on those people who say they're going to crash the wedding, and the reasons why this semi-"traditional" wedding may feature a bride packing weapons.

It's with a certain amount of nervousness that I'm returning once more to write my boring-ass updates. I've written countless posts in my head over the last many moons, and I've always been hesitant to post them because of who I perceive as reading them -- I'm stuck in this loop of not wanting to air my true feelings out of the concern that they might hurt someone's feelings.

But enough time has passed that any readers I might've once had are probably long gone. As well, I need a place to air my frustrations and fears. I've friends, of course, but it's not the same. Here, well... sure, there are people on the other side of the screen that are just as likely as anyone else to be judging me, but ... I've just come to a place where the need to vent is overruling the fears of who might read it.

Granted, it's still tough to get up the urge to write after spending all day in front of a computer doing just that, but government writing lacks the creative output that this place does.

So, without further ado, here goes. Check your sensibilities at the door -- no one said you had to read this.

In less than five months' time, I am getting married, and the closer it gets the more scared I get.

Not because of who I'm marrying or my fears that I'm not ready. Hell, I'll be 30 a few short days later -- if I wasn't ready by now, I probably would never be ready.

And yes, sometimes the dear fiance (I'm writing this on my laptop, so forgive the lack of accent) drives me crazy. Some days I want nothing to do with him, and I just want to be alone with my junk and my cats and my peace and quiet. Some days I just stare at him, thinking annoyed thoughts and frustrated at his utter inability to answer a simple question with a direct answer.

And then he'll make a ridiculous face, or he does something sweet for the cats, or he shows those qualities that made me fall for him, and he gets to live another day. Even when he wakes me up in the middle of the night holding his breath and then gasping it out again as he does, while I lie beside him and try to fall back asleep and think to myself that a pillow would do the trick quite nicely...

But of course I exaggerate. Except on the breath holding/gasping thing -- he does do that, and it drives me crazy. But unlike some of his other quirks, that one's unintentional.

No, it's not because of these things that I'm scared to marry him. We've been together nearly 3 years, which matches the longest relationship I've had -- which spanned from when I was 15 to 18, and set the low bar for relationships and boyfriends and mistakes. We moved in together pretty much on our 6-month anniversary, and we bough a house together 13 months later. I was asked then if I was sure I knew him well enough to buy a house with him, which I thought was a pretty ridiculous question, but no matter.

I know him. I can predict how he'll react in most situations, and I know he's stubborn as a mule. When his coworkers were telling me I should just tell him to propose, I looked at them askance -- did they not know this man? Certainly, his stubbornness can be tied to a sense of obstinacy and general pain-in-the-assedness, but I also wanted him to propose when he was ready.

No, it's not a fear of uncovering some deep, dark secret about him that scares me. I've had two ex-boyfriends confess to periods of incest in their pasts. I've had an ex-boyfriend confess to an interest in watersports. I do my best to keep an open mind while simultaneously making sure it's closed enough to keep at least a few brain cells in place.

It's more the relationships around me that I see that cause me fear. I see relationships around me dissolving, turning into infidelity and divorce, and it scares me. I don't want to grow to the point where I resent this man I've chosen to spend the rest of my life and have babies and grow old with a houseful of cats. I don't want to tire of him and look for new excitement to alleviate whatever I feel is lacking in my life with him.

But beyond that, bigger than that, I don't want him to tire of me. I see so many people online complaining about their spouses -- more often men talking about how much they hate their wives -- and I don't want that for us. I watch Mad Men and I know it's a different time and it's fiction, but the infidelity scares me. I see my coworker's relationship with her husband disintegrating and I see her talk about the on-again, off-again relationship she's had with another married man in our office, and it terrifies me. I know she's separated from her husband at this time, and so there's that circumstance, but he's not.

And of course, it has nothing to do with him, my pain-in-the-ass dear fiance. I trust him. And our relationship is built on mutual trust and monogamy. I have friends who've chosen to open their relationships to more than just their spouses, and I wish them well. I feel sometimes as though I'm judged as lesser-than because I prefer a relationship model that features only one other person, and I get resentful of that perception. I don't feel that my friends are flawed because they've gone outside their primary relationship to find fulfillment, and so I don't want to be perceived as flawed because I don't have what it takes to do the same.

But that's my perception, my impression, my inference based on nothing more than ... nothing, really. I've never had someone who was polygamous or polyamorous tell me their relationship model was superior to mine, and I would never say the same to them. I suppose that's just yet another insecurity of mine, along with the belief that no one really likes me, and I'm still that obnoxious kid I've always been (okay, that last one is true).

But I'm also fortunate that I can look at relationships in my family tree and see long-lasting success. My parents, my grandparents, one aunt and uncle -- they've proven that you can be with someone for the long haul, through all the ups and downs. Not everyone becomes restless or resentful or unhappy and strays. There are people that find someone that works for them and with them and makes it work.

Me? Well, I've found someone that doesn't bring me flowers for no reason, and never will. He wishes I didn't have so many books in the house, and insists I'll never read them again -- despite never knowing what I'm actually reading at any given time. He makes fun of me for my inability to remember certain peoples' names, and declared a moratorium on jewelry for gifts after buying my engagement ring.

But he's someone that slept on the couch so that the cats and I could have the whole bed when I was scared and stressed about Venus being sick. He complains about the cats hogging the bed, but won't move them because that would be unkind. He went with me when Digger had to be put down, and made sure I ate afterwards. He has witnessed a few awkward emotional moments with my family. He listened to me babble on about nothing every night when I was away for my grandfather's funeral, and he didn't make fun of me when I got upset feeling as though my cousins were making fun of my father.

He's supportive when I'm in the right and calls me on it when I'm being unreasonable. We argue, we support one another, and above all else, we laugh. I still can't help my fears, but at least I know they have nothing to do with the person he is.

First, the backstory.

For those of you who don't know me in real life, I rock a pixie cut for my hair - and have for the last few years. We're talking the mini pixie that's about this long --

So yeah, rather short. And with less knife.

I was in the grocery store yesterday, picking out some produce, when a little girl nearby said hi. So, in the interest of seeming less child-hating than usual, I said hi back. She asked what my name was, and I replied with, "Jen." She paused for a minute and asked, "Are you a girl?"

(I told her that yes, I am, I just have very very short hair, but the story's funnier if you stop at the line above.)

I've been trying to think of what today's deep insightful thought could be, and I'm drawing a blank. What can I say? I'm not that fascinating today.

I made it to the gym this afternoon for my yoga/tai chi/pilates class, and I've shown some progress; once upon a time I had to help my legs forward when going from downward dog to lunge position -- today that was not the case. It was a definite, "yay me!" moment when I realized what I'd done.

I'm trying to get to the gym more often, which is my usual refrain. I don't like what I see in the mirror, and I want to change that. Of course, that involves more work than I want to have to do, so I'm trying to figure out how to push myself and stay motivated. I have a coworker who's helping, which is nice -- but the food habits are up to me to figure out and improve upon.

I can't believe I'll be 30 next year. Anyone know when I'll start feeling like a grownup? I just feel like I'm still playing at life, or like I'm a perpetual student.

Speaking of which, I want to go back to school. I'm thinking of applying for classes for next September, which means I have to set aside more money. Or keep adding to the debt, which is slowly going down. Anyone rich want to swoop in and solve all of my problems?

At least the mortgage rates are ridiculously low.

There's been talking about the future going on lately. No conclusions, no plans, just general talking. Feels weird to discuss, given my status as the perpetual student and so on.

I wonder sometimes if people who've known me from back in the day or who haven't seen me in awhile look at me and think, "gee, she's really chunked up." I'll confess I've had that thought about more than a few men and women I know.

I can only hope they think I've gotten prettier through the years.

I'm trying to make a commitment to update this place more regularly. I write almost all day every day for work, so sometimes the last thing I want to do when I get home is write more... or I feel as though I've run out of things to say. I want to update when I'm at work, but sometimes I just don't have the time. A blessing and a curse.

But writing about government matters day in and day out isn't the same as blathering on about my cats or thoughts or feelings. Doesn't quite have the same boring ring to it -- nor does it smack of gossip for the lot of you.

I'm finding myself more irritated with the company of others of late, and I'm not sure if it's due to the innate irritations that others present, or simply because I've been working fairly steadily with little to no break. Weekends don't quite seem to be the breaks they once where -- either I'm on call, I'm working, I have company (not usually my choice), or there's travel and/or errands. Last weekend, the first real weekend I had off -- I got sick. Joy.

So needless to say, as much as I think it would be ridiculous for us to have another election at this time, there are a few of us at my office that are praying for one -- only for the break it would present. Maybe it means I'd start liking people again if that was the case, that I had some downtime and could focus a bit more on my life outside of work, and one of the fifty bazillion hobbies I have.

Okay, so this update isn't much -- just a bunch of vague whining. Tomorrow maybe I'll complain about someone in detail and let you guess who it might be.

• 01:36 How do you go on knowing that you're right beyond a freaking doubt, but still pretend to see another's point of view? I'm right, damn it! #

The last few days, I've been unable to be heard by people when they call my cell. I can hear them, they can't hear me. Fun times. I thought about blaming the bluetooth keyboard pairing, but full resets of the phone do nothing, so doesn't seem to be the case.

Called Rogers yesterday, the guy talked me through doing another hard reset of the phone, didn't believe me that my contacts were saved on the SIM card (which they are, hah!), and then said they'd send me out a new phone, as mine's still under warranty. If the failure is due to water damage though, I'm on the hook for a new phone - no worries.

While at away from my desk, I got a missed call. No voicemail, so I googled the number: turns out it's a call centre that Rogers employs to follow up with questions on customer satisfaction after services rendered. Good idea, something I don't mind doing, only clearly they didn't realize when they issued the ticket to follow-up phone call me what it was that I had originally called about -- hardware failure rendering me unable to speak to anyone who calls me on my phone.

Well done on paying attention to the little things, Rogers.

I sit in Starbucks on a rainy Saturday afternoon, typing on an apple wireless keyboard, with my phone hidden by my side. I am.... the most pretentious girl you know.

Took three different buses with some teenage girls today; got to listen to more renditions of the word like than I can remember hearing in quite some time.

I'm getting old.

Well, I've been getting old my whole life; you'd think I'd be used to it by now. Not so much.

Getting old iis planning for the future. Realizing tht you have to take into account things like your mortality, your income level, your fertility... scary and kinda cool at the same time.

It's nice to hear someone echo reasons why you're with them.

Tee hee - just got someone asking me questions about my keyboard. Guess the phone wasn't as hidden as I thought.

Only really challenging thing abot this is that blogger doesn't have a nice smartphone/blackberry friendly version o fthe interface, so a lot of what i'm writing is hidden - so I can't go back and fix mistakes too easily. I'm malso very spoiled by my work blackberry's automatic rendition of certain shortcut s- so I'm not automatically capitalizing the letter I when it appears . I know someone is going to eventually read this and say something.

I'm always surprised when people pick up on facets of my character that i never think are particularly obvious - the example i usually go back to is when a friend told someone I never use bookmarks. Recently, I had another one of those moments: one of my colleagues was saying that he figurd my luggage would be flaming neon pink -- because I'm unusual and he could see me with someone that wasn't conventional like that. My boss, by contrast, looked at him and said, "you don't know Jen, do you know"?

I just thought it was cool that a: this colleague had picked up on the fct that I'm unconventional, and b: my boss had also picked up on that, but knew that I wasn't a girly girl, and likely wouldn't be found with hot pink.

It's similar to when people look at my ring and say, "that's very you" -- and part of what made that last dress-shopping excursion so doubly frustrating.

I'm trying to take advantage of the fact that I'm getting older, but also have a bit more free time and a bit more money than I did when I was younger -- so now I'm taking music lessons once more, and I'm giving some extra thought to going back to school. As I've said to my mom and to a coworker friend of mine -- I keep saying I want to do this I want to learn that, but never getting around to doing it. Well, sure, learning new things is scary and hard, and sure, it can be tougher when you're older -- but you only get one life to live, so why not go for it? why kep putting things off?

Dear Abby has some advice for people who want to go back to school when they're older but are intimidated by the fact tht they'll be surrounded by younger people, or will be XX old when they graduate -- as she says, you'll be XX years old when that amount of time passes anyhow, so why not use the time learning? Of coures, she says it much more elegantly than I just did, but the basics are there.

So sure, there are 7 year olds who are better than I am on the instrument, but guess what - there's always going to be someone better than me. Can't let that stop me from trying and having fun with it.

I've had this "story" of spam headlines sitting in my email account for awhile now, and I find it oddly charming.

The first reads, "The Pobble who has no toes" and the second is "And when he came to observe his feet" -- though it's quite possible they're meant to be read in reverse, so the Pobble discovered he had no toes only after he observed his feet.

But if I read them in the order I provided, ignoring the grammatical issues with it, I have to wonder -- what did the toe-less Pobble learn when he came to observe his feet?

It's a puzzle. Though I like the way the Pobble looks in my mind -- a lot like Junior Gorg.
(hotlinked and pops, so who knows how long this'll last)

I didn't even know that guy still existed in my subconcious, as Fraggle Rock was never my favourite Muppet Show -- though maybe I should just give it another watch.

Quick update (better one later): I made a word cloud of the stuff that appears on my site. Interesting that cats, feelings, and apparently my astrological signs are so large in it (so I'm guessing that it's not entirely due to frequency -- since I don't think I talk about my signs that much!):

<a href="http://www.wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/991927/Eiram" target="_blank">See it here</a> (new window).

Snarfed from someone else's blog:

Short and not-sweet: tomorrow evening we have an appointment to have Digger put down.

May is not a good month for family kitties, it would seem (it was May 1st, 1995 (I'm fuzzy on the year) that we had Sookie put down).

Here are some of my favourite pictures of him from when he was a kitten (that I took, photo cred away) to share:



And a more recent, cruddy camera one (I'll share some better ones later, just don't have them with me at work or online):

My birthday is August 23rd, which puts me on the cusp between Leo and Virgo - and I've certainly got traits from each sign (Leo: not liking being pigeon-holder; Virgo - nitpicky worrywart). So if I go to the trouble of checking my horoscope (which I do many once every 2-3 months), I always read both. Today's MSNBC horoscope for Virgo reads:

"Today isn't likely to be one of your better days, dear Virgo. You feel a certain weariness, and you are very anxious and worried about someone close to you. When it comes to your loved ones, you have very strong emotions coursing through your veins. Think about your commitments, and try to drum up a little enthusiasm."

The anxious and worried applied more yesterday, I think, but on the whole, I'd say it's pretty apt.

The Leo part, on the other hand, is totally off the mark (which is not a bad thing for today):

"If you are the kind of person who likes a quiet day, dear Leo, then today you will be disappointed! There will be a lot of tension in the air, as a close friend or a relative tries to get something from you that you are not willing to part with. You could find yourself in quite a delicate situation. Keep your cool, and you should be able to talk your way out of it with no problem."

I'm wondering if I shouldn't change the name of this site to, "I Chase Boys... but I don't update my damn blog."

Let's see, in a nutshell: Saturday I took the cats to the vet for their annual exam. Thena has a spot in her eye that turned up a month or so ago (I'm revising this from my original estimate of 2-3 months ago, since I always seem to overestimate time). Wasn't bothering her in the least, so I decided to wait until they were due for their exams to have it checked out.

Then I went to a spa appointment that I had booked for relaxing me time - facial and manicure.

That evening, I was up until the very wee hours with Ben, who I haven't seen in awhile. Talked until my throat was sore, good times.

Sunday morning wake up feeling sick, which has held over. Also woke up to my period. Awesome fun.

Vet called me back on Saturday saying she thought that the ophthalmologist vet should check her out. The local vet wasn't in until today, so I had to wait to get the referral and so on.

Now I have an appointment with the ophthalmologist vet in May (still better than my annual exam, which got booked for July), and I'm pretty much assuming the worst because that's what I do when my pets are involved and when I'm tired and sick and emotional.

And I just got asked to have a meeting with my manager at 1:30 with no context, so I feel like today's going from bad to worse - and that I'm in some kind of big trouble. Yay.

Backyard bunnies

Okay, I have another post in the works where I go on about a series of books I'm reading and its (brief) conversion into a television series, but I have to say this: I'm going to hell.

I never play pranks on people for April Fool's Day (or if I do, they're of the "I'm pregnant" variety that no one ever buys), but in this instance, I actually did have a coworker fooled for about an hour on something. Fortunately, he finally spotted the part of my .sig file wherein I'd written "www.aprilfools.gc.ca" and "www.poissondavril.gc.ca" in place of the usual URL, but he was buying it for awhile -- including through a telephone conversation.

However, I will also have company in my trip to hell -- because a number of my coworkers were also in on the joke and completely playing along, including my director and the DG.

We are *evil* through and through.

Last night, the DB and I were lying in bed discussing grammar and spelling -- and bemoaning the fact that we know so many people (including a few teachers) who can't handle either. It's a touch depressing.

The day after tomorrow I'm taking off to visit my last remaining grandparent in New Brunswick. I'm looking forward to most of the trip -- if nothing else, being able to go for days without checking my blackberry, guilt-free, is a big bonus.

Okay, I can't really do more at the moment, but if you ever wanted to see a <a href="http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2321923.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News">hedgehog without his quills...</a> Poor little guy.

I'm mainly posting at the moment to let everyone know that yes, I'm still alive and I'm sorry for not saying anything lately.

I'm definitely tweeting more than actually updating, and while it's ensuring I focus all of my little annoyances into 140 characters or less (or more if I need a second line), it also seems to be taking away my general need to update.

Except that it really isn't -- I just haven't had the time. I start work at 7 a.m., so I'm up at 5:30 and leaving the house by 6:30. In theory, this means that I'd get to leave the office around 3:00 or 3:30 -- except that it hasn't seemed to work out that way at all the last few weeks. Either I'm there late because of my own doing, or because there's something stupid going on that I have to either wait for or address in some way, shape or form.

I know that right now the economy is in the crapper and the government is working hard to address it and so on -- but there's a small part of me that wishes they'd called an election just to give us a break. :/

Okay, fine, maybe not, but I just know how *tired* everyone in our office is, and how seriously in need of a break we all are. It amuses me that a former manager of mine had talked about almost applying for my current manager's position; there's simply no way she would have been able to manage the pace, the hours, the demands of this office. I'm working more and longer hours right now than before, but overall I don't mind because there's a lot of respect here.

At least next week I'm getting my hair cut, and then a few days later flying out to visit my Nanny. It'll be nice to spend some time away and focusing on nothing more strenuous than reading, shopping, eating and crafts.

I can't wait until the weather improves and I can be more mobile. Even with the buses back, sometimes I feel somewhat stuck here in the house. I do love being back in the suburbs, but either because of the strike that really rendered me house-bound, the long winter, or just general malaise, I feel sometimes like I just can't go anywhere or do anything. And I want to do dumb things like go sit in a coffee shop (other than the one at the end of our street) with my laptop and write -- although those other shops don't have free wifi -- or go wander a mall, or drop in on a friend. Those are things that were much easier to do when I lived downtown, especially since I was closer to the friends that didn't mind the drop-ins. As much as I love living with the DB, there are times it feels like I can't get my own space -- or the space I was going to occupy is already taken up.

Ah well... bring on the spring! Or hell, go straight to summer, I won't mind. We certainly didn't get a good one last year. :/

Now who could fail to love a face like that?