I feel scared for some reason. As if something's going on and I'm missing out and it's very important to me.

Talked to one of the jocks at work today, the one I'm closest to. She thinks the ex- doesn't deserve me, and that I could do much better. But she and I both don't like being showered with attention or being put on a pedestal, which is what The Ex (not the one that features in these write-ups, just a big mistake in my past) did... until he began ... not putting me on the pedestal, I guess is the nicest way of saying it.

The ex- might be coming home for a weekend to pick up some materials that he needs for a project. I want to see him, and I want to make him want me. I want him to think of how much he loves me (if he even does), and miss me and want to be with me. A long distance relationship would be stupid and whatnot right now, but there's a part of me that keeps hoping his plans to stay in Toronto fall through.

He didn't come home for reading week. He always said that I was basically the only thing that would make him want to come home, since he doesn't really have any friends here anymore. I guess I'm not important enough to him anymore to be a draw.

I think I'm hurting less. I spent a whole day or two without crying, although I was kinda close at some points.

I think I'm full of caffeine or something... I feel jittery and uneasy. I don't know if it's physical or emotional causing physical. Either way, it's annoying.

I keep doing this stupid push him away game, in the hopes that he'll deny everything I say and somehow just magically realize how much he cares about me. It's stupid and I don't know if it would be better for me to just walk away and hope he realizes how much he misses me (if he does), or still be there.

Ah well. *sigh* I completely forgot a group meeting today... and I couldn't have gone anyhow, 'cause my work shift got changed. So I get to do some work tonight... and I'll be dyeing the coworker's hair, it would seem. My shift has changed for tomorrow, as well, and I'm getting a drive downtown, which is nice. I'll have two evenings to get my paper written after I hit the library today. Should be plenty of time, once I figure out what the hell I'm going to write. :P

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