I want to change the way I look. I want to change the way I act, the way I think (maybe), the way I feel. I want to be someone else, and I want to just forget about this person, 'cause sometimes I really don't like her.

Do I want the ex- just because I can't have him? Sometimes I can sit and listen to him talking about things to do with his gf and I'm okay and it doesn't hurt, and yet when I think about it I feel sick inside and I hate her and last night I even had a brief thought that I hated him.

I know he hasn't done anything that I've already done twice or more, but it still sucks and it still hurts and I want to stop feeling. I want to stop hurting over Chloë being gone and I want to stop hurting about how the ex- keeps messing with my head and I want to stop hurting about how I've hurt others.

Sometimes I fear I'm a champion head-fucker.

I want to stop feeling stressed and uncertain and upset and sick and stupid and useless.

I want to be in love and I want to be single and I want to date people and I want to be in a settled relationship. I want to love someone that loves me back and I want to want to be with them and stop wondering about other people and just be happy. I want to be with someone that satisfies me, physically and intellectually and emotionally and I want to be that person to someone else. I want to stop feeling like a freak because I'm not engaged or even looking at the possibility for a long time. I want to have a normal relationship.

I want to be happy. I haven't been happy in a long time. I was in a good mood for a part of Monday, and it felt so strange. I've just been existing for a long time; going from day to day. I wish I could go back to the beginning of the summer when all of this began and just start over.

I've long enjoyed stories of couples that got separated and managed to find each other again and be happy together. I want to have that... but I don't know if I can be happy when we're still in touch and I don't want to give up talking. They (who?) says absence makes the heart grow fonder, but sometimes it just allows the heart to find someone else because you're lonely or horny.

I want to stop being a freak and I want to be normal and maybe stop shocking people and stand out more because I blend in too much already. I want to be seen because I'm attractive, appreciated because I'm intelligent, enjoyed because I'm funny and loved because I'm lovable. I want time to pass so that I can live life and then find my soul mate, my other half, and know that everything will be okay in the long run, even if there are problems between now and then.

I want to be able to churn out papers as quickly as I can churn out things like this. ;)

I want to go away, to another city, where I don't have memories... where I don't live in the same area where I lost two cats, where I live five minutes from my ex's house, where I walk or drive past it when I'm going through parts of my neighbourhood... where I don't live five minutes from another 'ex's' work.

I want to know what inside my head. I want to have the answers that are hidden inside my head somewhere, and I want to be able to work with them.

Most of all, I want to be happy. Wish I knew when that was going to happen again. I wish I'd stop feeling like it's all tied into having a normal relationship with someone. That, and I wish I'd stop being interested in people that have girlfriends/significant others/friends with privileges/casual acquaintances (don't ask). I want my cat back. I think that would be a good start... I can live without the relationships.

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