Am I worrying over nothing? Is it just me? Is it even me? Is it bad to be so close? Is it bad to want to show that closeness?

I want to throw everything in my room out the window and start clean, start fresh. I want to move out and have my own space bigger than 10 foot by 10 foot or whatever this little cell, this little room, is.

I want to be thin and lithe and healthy and get rid of all this illness, all this frustration, all this hatred.

The ex- tried to get me to sell him my baseball glove today. No deal!

Part of me wants to say to hell with the final year of school and just find another job in another city and start over. Well, start. I can't say I've necessarily started here.

Am I moving too fast? Am I too close? Am I wrong to be where I am? Should I give things back, try to create distance? Should I ask for more? My head thinks wrong things sometimes. Things that aren't where I am, where we are. Am I trying to prove something to someone, or am I wanting for me, or am I wanting for what others have that I don't, that I haven't? Am I wanting because it's right, or because... I don't know. Because it's been there for other people and because I want it for me. Because I'm trying to move faster than I should. Because I'm used to this, and now it's that, but in my head it's kinda this, even though it hasn't gotten there yet.

Hmm. It's nice being around guys that are gentlemen. Standing on the deck today, the owner of the house offered me his chair. Saw another guy there opening the car door for his girlfriend. A guy today held two doors open for me, even though I was passing through them first. Okay, can't describe it, you had to be there. Gentlemen. Very nice guys to know.

I want to quit to escape the bullshit and the stupidity and the crap. I want to stay for the career prospects, and the connections and the familiarity. I want, I want, I want. *sigh* I need? I don't know. I go, I come back. Now, I go.

Is it even me?

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