This is a *long* post, for those that are just getting to it. But hey, Friday I seem to get the most hits, so this'll keep you here longer. Or something. :)

I feel stuck in my house, but there's nowhere I want to go or be. I wouldn't mind snuggling up with J, but I also want to give him some space, and let him be a bit. Y'know, not give him too much of my personality at once. ;)

Sometimes my mom'll joke about me breaking things off with the guys I'm seeing; like, she'll say, "Oh, have you tired of this one already?" or "What's wrong, he doesn't want to see you tonight? Did you guys break up already?" I can't come up with good examples, but those are some of them, I guess. I don't know... when I think about it, it upsets me. I want to say to her, "Do you ever think that maybe these guys hurt me? Yeah, maybe I do the the breaking up a lot, but maybe I have a good reason?" It's like with some people; I'm always the one at fault in their eyes. It's never them.

Which leads me to a rant I wanted to have and was composing for awhile. As with all things I compose for awhile, it never is as good as I imagine (or so I'm speculating), but I'm going to try. Here goes:

An open letter to the coworker (albeit one he's likely not to read, and that's just fine)

Grow the fuck up and take some accountability for yourself. If you have to keep telling people that you're a good guy and a nice person and whatnot, maybe you aren't. If you think people at work think you're a prick, maybe they do (okay, not fair, but so what? I'm not trying to be). If you hate your job and you think you're a fat fuck (his words), stop complaining about it and do something about it! You're going to be 31 in a week and a half. Y'know what? You may have your own place (with roommates) and your own car (leased), but in some ways you're way the fuck behind me.

There is no winning in a discussion with you. If I say something that upsets you, it's my fault. But if you say something that upsets me, it's my fault. You said that something about me kept drawing you back to me and that I led you on and you couldn't stay away. You claimed that you tried to break things off with me, but you couldn't, or that I wouldn't let you. Did I hold a gun to your head? Did I tie you up and force you to stay? You say that I treated you like a boyfriend, and better than anyone you ever went out with before. But you also complained that you didn't feel like a boyfriend, you didn't know where you stood with me, and that I treated you like shit.

Everything is my fault. You felt like I would run back to the ex- at any given moment, even though I explained to you that things were not like that, that they didn't and wouldn't work like that, and that was part of what I had problems dealing with. He was my Achilles heel. He was my first love. You were never a boyfriend to me, and I never told you you were. Things were never settled between us, and that was okay with me, because I didn't want things to be settled with us. I told you from the start that I was not looking for a boyfriend, and yet you got upset with me when I didn't treat you as one.

You said that I felt patronized and condescended to by you (in the following conversation, you refer to me as 'sweety' in what I can only term as a condescending manner, especially considering that you called your new girlfriend the exact same thing today. "Sweety" used during a fight or tense conversation such as this one was can be nothing less than condescending or patronizing, don't you agree? Probably not). You told me how I felt, and what I thought. Yet when I got upset with you for it, you said that you couldn't possibly know how I felt and that you knew what you were saying was wrong.

Some of my favourite quotes from my last major written conversation with you (with editorial comments included at the end of each):

Jen says:
Because any time I've tried to talk to you, name or name, I get stonewalled.
coworker says:
right
coworker says:
you've never tried, sweety
Jen says:
And because you've told me that you don't believe anything I say, so... where does that leave me?
coworker says:
(at least not to me)
coworker says:
Hey, I didn't say that. I believe what I believe. But I have an open mind about everything. But if I *DON"T* believe it, I will tell you, straight up"

(Or in my experience, simply respond to everything I say with either an eye-rolling or a "right", both in text or in spoken word).

coworker says:
If I thought you deserved my friendship, I'd consider it. But you really don't"

Sorry for the length of this one, but the whole thing just has to be included to be believed:

coworker says:
Pizza guy is probably still your friend, because he obviously cared for you on a lesser level than I did
coworker says:
But I truely wanted to help you. To see you grow professionally and personally. And sometimes my honesty was misinterpreted as being an asshole. But as soon as I got too close (by getting upset when you did stupid things), you got scared
coworker says:
and you had to find a relationship more 'fun'
coworker says:
someday you will find someone who is fun, but also cares for you as deeply as I did, and when you're ready to care for them back, you will find a new level of existance.
coworker says:
until then, just be careful
coworker says:
that's all.
Jen says:
I'm sorry that I didn't care for the same way that you cared for me. I never pretended otherwise, however.
coworker says:
well, you did trick me sometimes
coworker says:
tricked me into believing that there was some hope
Jen says:
You say that, but I don't think so. You could have asked me at anytime how I felt, but that was pretty clear by the fact that you stopped telling me how you felt because it made me uncomfortable.
coworker says:
and it was all my fault that I believed it.
Jen says:
I think you let yourself believe it, but it's not fair to blame me for how you were interpreting my actions.
coworker says:
I stopped doing a lot of things. But then you'd complain that my hugs sucked or my kisses sucked. Well they sucked for a reason
coworker says:
It's fair for me to blame you for committing those actions KNOWING how I felt about you
Jen says:
So because you cared about me more than I cared about you, I should have stopped seeing you?
coworker says:
yes, you should have
coworker says:
And I was able to deal with it then
coworker says:
I tried to do that, but you wouldn't have it
Jen says:
How about, out of self-preservation, you should have left the relationship?
coworker says:
I tried, sweety
Jen says:
Okay
coworker says:
everytime I distanced myself, you complained that it 'sucked'
Jen says:
Don't just distance yourself, break it off.
coworker says:
I was fully willing to have a 'sister' like attitude towards you.
coworker says:
Oh, yeah. Easy to say now. You think I WANTED to break it off?
coworker says:
You kept advancing on me, and quite frankly, I liked it. And I thought you liked it too.

So, fully willing to have a sister like attitude towards me, yet you asked me many times to stop wearing my perfume because it made you want to be close to me, you couldn't help putting your fucking hands up my shirt or skirt at work, and putting your chin on my shoulder, smelling my jacket because it smelled of me, and giving me hugs, and you could have treated me like a sister?! And then you say that and next line you say you didn't want to break it off. And this is my fault.

Jen says:
Well, you're putting all this damn blame on me coworker, and you're a bloody grown man who is perfectly responsible for his actions, just the same as I am for mine. I've never said I was perfect out of this, but you're sure as hell trying to come off like you are.
coworker says:
I'm pretty perfect, most of the time.
coworker says:
Yes... I was stupid for thinking I could have a relationship with you. It was MY fault that I fell for you in the first place. And yes, I knew it wasn't going to work.
coworker says:
BUT, I was always honest with you, and I asked you many times, that if you're going to start seeing someone else, that you have the COMMON DECENCY to tell me. And you always agreed.
coworker says:
You don't think I KNEW I would lose you to someone else? Of course not. I never trusted you that way. But I always believed that you respected me enough to be honest with me.
coworker says:
and THAT was my downfall
Jen says:
Yes, and as I keep saying I WAS GOING TO FUCKING TELL YOU. But, you had to have the COMMON DECENCY to read my PRIVATE conversations over my fucking shoulder.
coworker says:
well, Jenny. You didn't fucking tell me.
coworker says:
Whether you were going to or not, is NOT my concern
Jen says:
Well, coworkery, I didn't get the fucking chance.
coworker says:
hey, and you know what... like I said. What happens in my studio is my business.

And yes, that -y at the end of the last name reference was deliberate. He knew I didn't like being called Jenny, the same as he didn't like being called by the full version of his name. *shudder* In that case though, I just put the -y at the end, apeing him. And like it's his fucking studio... I've been with the company longer, and the other producer has been there longer. Coworker works *nights* -- that means he's lower on the fucking totem pole than the other guys that work there.

I realize he was likely being facetious with discussing how he's perfect, but it still amazes me that he'd say it... I think there was a smilie in there actually, it just didn't transfer over to text (this having been carried out over MSN).

coworker says:
anyways, that's just muck-chucking. The whole thing was a bloody mistake, and I should have just had a 'get laid' mentality about you the whole time
coworker says:
too bad I cared for you too much. Oh well.

This is him just trying to take shots, but it's bloody charming nonetheless.

I like this rant that I had (and the subsequent conversations that follow):
Jen says:
But I don't think you really want to understand my side of things, anyways. Because if you did, you'd have to think that perhaps you had a hand in all of this, and it's easier this way. It's easier for me to be the bitch and the demon, and to have proved you right and not be worthy of your love.
Jen says:
It's easier for you to be the victim and for you to be able to denounce everything I say as lies, instead of acknowledging that you and I are both PEOPLE and that when PEOPLE get involved in RELATIONSHIPS, things are no long BLACK and WHITE.
coworker says:
ok
coworker says:
shrug
coworker says:
if I thought you had any interest in being my friend...
coworker says:
But really... There are a lot of factors
Jen says:
If you stopped treating me like every time I opened my mouth it would be to tell you another lie, MAYBE I might consider it. But frankly? I don't know.
coworker says:
I don't think I could be friends with someone I gave so much to, and who treated me the way you did especially when you knew how I felt about you.
coworker says:
Well, I DO know that friendship is not an option
Jen says:
Fine.
coworker says:
so that's it then
coworker says:
?
Jen says:
I don't know. Guess so.
Jen says:
You don't want to be friends with me, so... what more is there?
Jen says:
You're not interested in hearing what I have to say with an open mind, so I don't try.
coworker says:
Dunno. I've felt I've been a burden on you for months... and you've never done anything to make me feel otherwise
coworker says:
You don't even TRY to talk to me Jen.
coworker says:
you don't say anything for me to not believe.
Jen says:
Yes, I do. Above, I said some things about J, and you just shrug it off, or say "right", like whatever I say is a lie. So, I stopped trying.
coworker says:
You're going to tell me, J was different. Special. He treats me good. I HAD to go to him. Ok. Fine.
Jen says:
I didn't have to do anything.

Basically, any time we talk, you waffle back and forth between saying that maybe friendship is an option, and you're trying to be my friend (WHICH IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING CROCK OF SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD), and then you say that friendship isn't an option, I don't deserve your friendship, and wouldn't want to be my friend anyways. So why the fuck are you wasting my time?!

In all honesty, this reminds me of a situation I had years and years ago with someone else older than me that I was involved with (meaning, we made out twice and talked online a lot), and that ended poorly and that was a big mess all around and who, coincidentally, shared the same name... I wouldn't speak to him, wouldn't email him or have anything to do with him, then every few months out of the blue he'd email me and tell me what a horrid person I was. Things are better between us now, that kind of shit doesn't happen, but sometimes I feel like the only reason that you get in touch with me is to tell me what a bitch and whore I am and how I did your poor heart wrong.

I always hated when you used all caps. I'd use them back at you because it felt like me taking a dig, even if you didn't realize I was doing it.

However, those weren't the quotes I was looking for. More hunting. (Every now and then when a conversation amuses or upsets me and I want to possibly reread it later when I'm removed from the situation, I save it to a draft file in my yahoo mail. That's what I'm searching through now). Damn. Can't seem to find it. There was one beautiful quote from you... you said something to the effect of you would tell me how I felt (i.e., "You feel that I'm patronizing to you"), but that you couldn't possibly know how I actually did think or feel because you weren't a mind-reader... so I was left wondering, "Then what the fuck do you bother doing it for?" But I think at the time I was trying to play nice, so I bit my tongue. I did that a lot more than you ever realized or are willing to admit to.

I stopped having sex with you because it started to be (continued to be?) boring. You didn't move in ways that felt good for me, because they wouldn't get you off, and yet when you moved the way you needed to, you couldn't get off anyways. Other means of getting you off took forever and didn't always work very well. You said that you could hardly ever get off with me because you didn't trust me enough to completely relax. Somehow, that was also my fault.

Somewhere in here, I think you need to take the blame for some things. I think you were afraid and upset because you knew I was not going to fall in love with you like you did with me, because I was still hung up on the ex-, and even if I hadn't been, I don't think I would have fallen for you. So in order to hide the fact that you felt stupid or whatever for falling for me, you had to say that you didn't trust me and this and that and the other thing.

And y'know what? To some extent you were right not to trust me. I can admit to that now, albeit in a forum where you're not likely to find out, 'cause it's all old news and I'm not one for twisting a knife or rubbing salt in a wound. The ex- was my Achilles heel, and I couldn't seem to stop myself from fooling around with him to a point when he was in town. But there were a few reasons for that; for one, I didn't have a defined relationship with you. For two, I was still hung up on him, and somewhere in my twisted, pointy little head, I thought that perhaps if we did fool around somewhat, he'd remember how great I was (hah), and want to leave his girlfriend, whom he was perfectly willing to fully cheat on (i.e., he asked me to fuck him or to let him fuck me on *many, many* occasions), and what held me back was the knowledge of how fucked up in the head I'd end up if I did -- even more so than I was already. For three, I was in a fucked up period of time, and had been for awhile, and told you so. I don't claim to be completely blameless at all; I know I fucked up. A lot. More than I probably should have, or deserved to. But at least I'm not trying to say that every fucking minute of this is all your fault, as you've done to me.

I think I've run out of steam. I think I've run out of bandwidth. ;)

Anyhow, things are different for me now. I've met someone good, and things are good. We're learning much about each other, and I'm starting to be able to read him better. Such as on the way to the wedding, and I could tell that he was upset and I knew why. S'okay. We talked about things after the wedding (like me feeling like I was always the one reaching for his hand or whatever), and that's improving now. S'good. There's a lot in J that I look for in a guy, that I've realized I look for in a guy (before I met him), and I'm happy. Usually. :) Sometimes I think I'm too needy, or that my perceptions are screwed up because I've come from a bunch of relationships and so I'm expecting too much too soon from this fledgling one. As well, because I'm hanging out now at times with a crowd that's older than I am, with people who've been seeing each other and living together for several years, it's messing up my perceptions a bit, too.

And I think that's all that's in my head for now. Well, there are other things, dirty details, but I'll save 'em for later when I'm feeling that kind of post. This one I wanted to get off my chest. :)

In the end... I don't look back at it all and feel that it was a waste of time. It was a growing experience, and there were times that were good. He was there for me through some bad shit, even if he didn't always say the right thing. I know that in terms of who has more anger and hatred and hurt right now, it's him. I'm mostly reacting to him and the stupidities in the situation, like being accountable for the whole damn mess. I don't think that's fair, especially when he's trying to paint himself as perfect. I think that's bull. And I think I've said so here. :)

But if you want to know how horrid a person I am, feel free to ask. I'll be sure to tell you, even if I'm not proud of it. I'm not a very nice person. :P