I can't seem to formulate what I want to say. Part of me is really angry and upset. Part of me is just sad and upset and occasionally breaks through and cries. Part of me... part of me I don't know. So I'm single again. It sucks. I found a really awesome guy (or I was introduced to him, I should say), and basically everything was awesome. It was the first time I really enjoyed sex and it was the first time I was able to bloody well come during sex. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it before, but... more so now. It was the first time I had really good sex on a regular basis, how's that?

It was the first time I was with a guy who treated me really well and respected me. At least for the first few weeks. I was being told, "I've fallen for you" and it was the first time that those words didn't make me uncomfortable, even if they were early on. Big deal! I was in the same situation. I was able to drop my shields and just be honest and open and good and I was really happy. After the return of J's ex, though, I was being treated more as a friend than a girlfriend. He was tired all the time, more so than before, and most times we had sex it was either because I whined on here (or it was taken as such), or because it was a special occasion -- like my birthday. Physical overtures were generally made by me first (towards the end, I mean), and by then I could wander around naked in front of him and he wouldn't touch me unless I touched him first... but those overtures were rebuffed. This is from the same guy who used to bite his bottom lip and look at me like he was ready to take me on the ground if I so much as winked at him, and then do it all over again and again when we were done. He couldn't seem to get enough, and it was fantastic. Now I could do a striptease in front of him in the lingerie that he bought for me and he'd just settle on the couch with Space. That's not the same guy that I started dating, although I think he was still making efforts, at least at first... he read the Cosmo I bought (first one in months), and it said on there that sitting on your guy's lap is a good way to show coupleness and intimacy without being in-your-face, and he said that he was looking forward to doing that with me... even if when we had those opportunities, or were with a group of people, he didn't take them.

I would look at him and feel really proud that we were going out, even though it never really felt like a formal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I felt good to be around him and I really cared about him and was happy to go places with him and be a couple. I haven't felt serious like that about anyone for ages; the ex- was the last one to get that kind of treatment and that was a long time ago, when things were really good. The last couple of years weren't.

I was kinda upset that he didn't sleep in the same bed as me on the night after my birthday, when I was out drinking with my friends. I felt kinda weird about it, but I know how it is when you're deep asleep and can't bring yourself to move (which was the case when he passed out on the sofa). He said he didn't want to disturb me, and on one hand, I can accept that... but on the other, well, I was pretty far gone, I'm a pretty deep sleeper most nights anyhow, and when I get awoken, I can usually get back to sleep without too much difficulty. But even in the morning? Well, it would have been nice to get cuddled. Oh well. The night of my actual birthday... there was the quickie before everyone came over, and what felt almost like duty sex afterwards, so I could get off. Little to no foreplay, but that had been the case for awhile, so whatever. The weird thing was having him stroking my back lightly was getting me more turned on than the way he was playing with my breasts... sometimes the idea of what's happening is more arousing than the actual actions, I've found. No matter.

But yes, I liked the sex with him. I'm still in that early stage of the relationship where you want to fuck like bunnies -- the "hi, good to see you, you look good, let's get naked" -- so I find it weird now to be looking at him and thinking, "I'm probably not going to get to see you naked ever again, and it's a damn shame. A really damn shame." And it's not like the sex is the part I'm going to miss -- it's the hugging and cuddling and the being his girlfriend and having him as my boyfriend, and getting to look at him when he's speaking and listen to him and think, "Y'know what? That's mine and I like that." No longer.

But we're still going to be friends, right? I don't know. I think so, probably. And I like him as a friend, I like him outside of the relationship, but I just need to get past the hurt and the upset and the relationship. I know I'm going to put myself in a holding pattern, like I did for the ex-, and I'm going to think, "Maybe if I just wait a bit, things will go back" and it's just not going to happen. I want it to, but it's just not. So I think, "maybe I should date someone else," and the immature part of me thinks, "Hey, maybe he'll see what he's missing and be all rethinking things," but he's said a number of times that he doesn't play games and that he doesn't get jealous, and I just know it would be stupid and not work and all that. And the thing is, I don't want to date. I was happy, and now I'm single again, just two short months later. I don't want to go looking for someone else, and getting to know them, because I had that with J, and we clicked, and we totally hit it off and it was great, and the first good, mature relationship I was in, and it was tanked by an ex-girlfriend, a four-year old boy, and J's sense of duty and responsibility.

Oh? What's that you say? Oh, that's right. I kept it off of here out of respect for them. I still am, for the most part, becaues it's their life, not mine, but it's necessary to the story -- exposition -- and it explains why things happened.

Basically, the long and the short of it is... J has an ex-girlfriend with a child that he raised as his own (while knowing it wasn't biologically his) for the years they were together. Okay, excellent. J was allowed to continue seeing the child for a bit after they broke up, then not for a few months, then now again. Whenever J has to deal with his ex-, he gets stressed and upset. Then he withdraws, and treats me as a friend, rather than a girlfriend (all past tense). J doesn't want to keep putting me through all his ups and downs, because he feels that one day I'm going to get really angry and just do I don't know what, and he doesn't have the willpower to decide that it's time to put the past behind him, and he's realized he's not ready for a relationship, so he has decided to break things off with me. I say he has -- more like, he did, 'cause the talk was Wednesday. Yeah, the same Wednesday that I got home from vacation. So, I'm never taking another vacation again, because they don't work out for me (check the archives on February if you want details on the last vacation I took).

The breakup talk was kinda weird. J kept putting his arm around me, and putting his hand on my leg and hugging me and kissing me on the hair and the neck. It wasn't the usual, "I don't want to be with you anymore so I'm not touching you" stuff that I've had in the past, or felt myself. Then, I think in order to convince me that it wasn't about me, it was about him, he was asking me what kinds of baggage I thought I had from past relationships, and what bad things other people have said about me that I think is true, and then he was discounting it and using examples. Such as, I'm not self-absorbed (as the coworker and J the security guard have said), because I notice the little things and do them -- like tidy up my dishes (even if I don't always wash them) and make the bed (poorly) and readjust the dials on his car dash when I drive it because I know he'll do all these things himself. I was sitting there, leaning against his chest, thinking, "I don't want to talk about the coworker or the ex- or The Ex-... I don't care about them. I care about you, and the now..." Then he kept asking me if there was anything I wanted to say, and I kept saying and thinking, "What can I say? Your mind is made up, and it's not like I'd be happy if I talked you into staying with me, and you wouldn't be happy if I was successful, so why do you want me to say anything? What should I say?" Then he told me that I'm big-breasted (which I'm not; I'm average) and that the sex between us was fantastic and that my methods of bugging him (or something) are to make his brain melt and I don't know. He kissed me on my doorstep too, when he took me home.

I did tell him how I honestly thought about the situation with him and his ex-, and it's basically just that he's never going to be able to move on until he lets go of the past. It doesn't seem like she wants him to see the child, because she gives him such a hard time anytime he asks, and totally dodges the question, and then only lets J have him when it's to her advantage -- like she's going out to party or drink or get stoned or whatever. Mainly party, as far as I've been told. Her child's growth and such is not J's responsibility anymore, and it's not his fault that because of the child's hearing problems his speech is somewhat behind that of other children. Children develop at different rates -- I taught myself to read when I was four, and apparently it's normal for a 6-year old to not be able to read, especially boys. It's at that age that they're just learning how to read, so ... off topic. What else, back on track... I said that now would be a better time for him to go away than later, because the child would be able to recover somewhat faster, I think, than when he's older -- he's not going to blame himself for J going away if he did now, whereas he might when he's 5 or 6 or 7, and older and able to understand things more, even if not completely. J said that his idea of ideal would be to come home, nap and watch Space, work out and see the child. What the hell can I say to compete with that? I mean... if he'd rather have that then a mature, supportive and caring relationship with someone who wants to see him and spend time with him and make him happy... what can I say? He says it's not going to be weird for him to hang out with me, just that he's going to feel guilty. I'd noticed before that dealing with his ex- seemed to tank his libido, so I figure he's not likely in the same boat as me. Argh.

He said that when she took her child away for a few months and didn't let J see him, it was a big relief for him, and he felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest. But now... he's stuck. He doesn't have the willpower to walk away, and he loves her child and I can respect and understand that... but he's just not going to move on, and she's going to keep abusing him and manipulating him and her child, and he's going to make himself sick and depressed and that's not going to be a healthy situation for anyone involved. He told me he sleeps a lot when he's stressed, and he seems to always be sleeping or looking like he's ready to fall asleep (like tonight at the LAN party), and it'll wind up that he picks up her child and they go back to J's place, have dinner and go to bed. Or they'll put on a movie and he'll fall asleep and who knows what could happen? That's not fair, I'm exaggerating now, and being stupid. I just feel stupid and suckage and cold (not relevant, but it's how I feel) and crappy and stupid and unhappy.

He says that he's hurting because "he's passing up on a great person like me. But that's the way things are." Excuse me if I find your explanation hard to follow, but that seems an awfully casual dismissal, and I find it rather hard to believe. I'm going through that cycle once again whereby I start doubting everything I was told -- he never really was falling for me, he never really was into me... but the one that's glaringly obvious and that I feel stupid for not having paid attention to more was that he wasn't in 100% relationship mode. I guess that's really obvious now. There are some other things he said that I just mentally railed at, but now I can't remember them anymore, dammit. Could be because it's damn early in the morning (or late in the night) and I haven't had enough sleep as it is and I have to get up again tomorrow and I already discovered my brain wasn't working at the LAN party.

And I'm going back along the lines of, "Well, time to make changes to myself and just be even more beautiful and desirable and sexy and attractive and not care, or at least not show that I'm hurting and caring." So, debating between the next tattoo or a piercing or something more simple like a haircut or dye. I'm going to keep my choice secret for a bit; after all, if I get a piercing or a tattoo it's going to be something private, something that only someone dating me would find out about. Other choices would be a bit more obvious, and I've already decided what I'm going to do, so we'll see what happens.

I couldn't tell tonight if he was following my lead or developing his own, or just acting as he normally would. I didn't sit on the same couch as him, and I didn't really hang around the same part of the house as him. I just need to keep reminding myself that things are over now and he's no longer my boyfriend and not put myself in situations whereby I might start acting or thinking like things haven't changed.

I think that's it for now. I'll probably have more to say later on this subject, but the parts of me are still at war. I want to run away and forget I ever met him, and I want to go to his ex- and tell her all about me (because stupid me, trying to make things easy on J, didn't let her child see me and stayed out of the picture when he was around so as not to confuse him or muck things up for J) or try to rally everyone together to do an intervention (although I've been told that when you try to tell J something that's opposite from what he's doing, he just gets more stubborn and digs in his heels more and does whatever he's doing more) or just try to convince him otherwise myself, which is even less likely to work, since I've only known him a few months to most everyone else's several years. I want to say he's being martyrish and it's not necessary... that his ex-'s child will grow up well and ask him what he think would happen if she finds someone and decides to marry him... will J still be in the picture? The greedy, selfish, bitchy side of me (some friends would say that's just me, that's no side) wants her to make the decision, and soon. But you know what? I really don't think that would change anything. And that really sucks and makes me really sad. Kinda like what I went through when I was (constantly) getting over the ex-.

I've been told the best thing for now is distance, and that everyone will beat up on him when they find out, because apparently I'm liked. I say they just haven't gotten to know me well enough yet. ;) It's funny... when the ex- and I broke up (most times), I just wanted to talk to him about things (well, that was the reaction the first time, when he dumped me, at least) and be around him and stuff. This time, I want sympathy, and I want things back to how they were at the beginning of August. I want her to decide she's going to move far away and have the decisions be made for everyone that way, and for her to magically forget J's phone numbers and never be able to find them again so he doesn't stress over all of that. I wanted him to tell me when he was upset and talk about it, instead of bottling it up and getting withdrawn and treating me like a distant relative or seriously platonic friend.

But it's not my problem anymore. I'm attractive, I'm interesting, I'm intelligent, I'm employed, I'm responsible... I'm a fantastic person who cares deeply for others, particularly when they're important to me, and if he doesn't want that and he instead wants to be around (if not dating) an ex-girlfriend who only wants to use him as a babysitter for her child, then that's his problem and not mine. If he'd rather stay stuck in the past instead of moving on to the possibility of great new things with someone that he (seemed to) really click(ed) with, then that's his problem. He asked about whether or not my shields would go up now... I figure, "well, we're no longer dating and I'm not cuddling or sleeping with you anymore... I think they're going to be up for awhile... at least until I feel better and am able to put everything behind me." He said that he felt the only thing he'd ever been good at was being a father and he wanted to hang onto that feeling (or words to that effect) as long as he could... I figure, if he were able to move on and try a serious relationship with someone, then maybe he'd be able to build his own family and maybe get even more satisfaction from that then this current half-assed (at best) arrangement. Especially if you have two people equally sharing the responsibilities... it's going to be a lot better overall.

I think it's past time to wrap it up now. I've ranted plenty. Last notes... ran into H today in my class, and she told me that her and R are back together (only had broken up for like, 2 days she said), and that apparently, pizza guy has slept with R's ex-girlfriend (who was R's Achilles Heel), and that he wants to have a relationship with her and enjoys her company. It would appear that he's changed his mind on those things he used to say about her -- namely that he didn't like her and she was psycho and various other things I can't seem to dredge up out of my memory. Weird times. The ex- MSN'ed me tonight, but I was out (and apparently he's too dumb to read the statuses that I put there, along with the messages, like "At a LAN party"... that fucking pisses me off sometimes, especially on ICQ, when I say things like, "Call the cell, I'm out wherever"), and I'm tempted to be semi-bitchy and ask him who he's dating this week. But I think I'm just feeling the bitch. :P :)

Anyhow, off to bed so I can have not enough sleep and be bitchy and yucky through tomorrow's shift... first day back from vacation. Suckage. Life is suckage, boys suck, and yes Di, I'm coming out again and again. ;) Someone find me a man who can be all that I need (which is what I thought J was) and actually wants all that I am, rather than his past, which seems to make him miserable 95% of the time. :P