I miss having someone to confide in. Someone who wants to hear all the nitty gritty of your life and all your thoughts and feelings because they're your boyfriend or your girlfriend. I mean, friends are there, and they're like that, but they have lives that are separate than yours, and may include their own boyfriend or girlfriend, so it's different.

Too many of my best friends have been boyfriends, and when the relationship ends, so does that.

I had another thought here, but it's escaped my brain when I went to do other things. Damn.

I keep trying to compare how I feel in this situation to how I felt when I broke up with the ex- (ah yes, that's where the other thought goes, it'll show up in a sec) to try to determine what my feelings are, or whatever. And yet, it doesn't work that way, or at least I don't think so. They're different people, I'm a different person, the situations and the relationships are different, so I don't think it will work that way. I think I feel how I think I feel, and that's probably about it.

I feel so false sometimes. At times, I'm sitting here, feeling morose and depressed or whatever -- not feeling bright and chipper -- and hiding that in conversations online with smilies and jokes and lighthearted chitchat. I don't know if I'm trying to keep people from worrying or just repeating conversations or what.

I'm tired of feeling this way, but I just can't seem to shake it. Nothing's really that easy.

As for the ex-... we barely talk anymore, and on some level I miss it. I guess part of me just felt somewhat ... I don't know... in a sad way, perhaps superior, because his life is all weird, and he still talked to me about it and confided in me and all that. Someone needed me, if even just for a little bit or for selfish reasons, and the only time he talks to me now is to quiz me on the various things I put in my MSN, and then it's just stuff that doesn't always need or warrant an answer. I don't understand.

Ah hah! The ex- began talking to me. He tried to cheer me up. After a few sentences of this, we have switched to that which is going on in his life. ow we've switched back to me again... hmm... this rule is failing me...

And I've decided that I'm not asking about his life this time around. Every time we talk it's pretty much about him. I'm curious, but I'm not asking.

*snort* I've noticed this pattern before, too; if I don't ask about his life, the conversation doesn't really get prolonged, and off he goes. I'm such a bitch. Maybe that's why I'm alone.

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