I've given up on putting on the brave face, and I'm just being how I am. I'm sure the coworker is bitching to someone somewhere about how unfriendly I am or how self-absorbed, but I just don't have the emotional energy right now to play nice for anyone. I feel two-faced doing it, and it depresses me. I'm not being all morose and depressed on anyone, but I'm also not playing Super Happy Fun Girl if I don't feel it.

From the wee bit I read on the web, I'm not having a nervous breakdown, which is a good thing, I guess. On the other hand, it's a bad thing, 'cause it means that all this crying and whatnot I'm doing every other day is a product of something else, and it's scary. I keep having scary thoughts, bad thoughts, and I don't know what to do about them. I can't write about them here or tell anyone because I'll be accused of being melodramatic or stupid or irrational or I'll feel like I'm doing it just to get pity or attention or something. People will read it as "you're just doing this to get him back" and I think that myself and I feel like on some stupid level that's part of it but it's not.

I don't understand the readings for Theories of Communications. I don't understand them at all and it makes me frustrated and upset and it makes me cry. I was reading today on the bus home and when I got off the bus I started crying because I don't understand it. I already failed it once and I can't bear to think that I have another like, 10 weeks of this class to go to.

I'm so stressed and so upset and so everything that I'm scared. I have so much reading to do and I don't know when I'll get to do it, and for most of my classes the reading is vital because there are papers based on it or there are midterms directly based on it, so I can't slack in anything. I'm ahead in the readings for two classes, up to date in one, one class I don't think it's necessary for, and the other one (Theories of Communications) I'm behind. I'm so behind and I have to do the readings and I'm so scared that I'm going to fail it again and have to take it a third time. If I fail it this time, I'm going to talk to the prof and then the department about bumping up my mark because I can't take it a third time. If I have to, I'll wind up killing someone.

I think about taking time off work and then I think, what's the point? What am I going to do with the four or six hours I have between classes on Tuesdays and Wednesdays? I don't want to lose my job and I just had a vacation, so I can't really justify more time off, although I don't think my boss would mind. The coworker probably wouldn't say anything to me, and I don't want to explain to him what's going on because I don't need false pity or any pity.

In terms of assignments, this semester is actually lighter than some I've had, so I don't know why I'm so stressed. I have no explanation for why I just sat and cried for five minutes straight while writing this. Maybe the stress relief is all it is and all I need. I haven't told my parents though, not that I've been feeling like this for awhile. Maybe I should, but I just don't know how to bring it up or what they'd say.

I could take some time off, but I'm so close and I've already started to hand in assignments and paid for everything and bought all my books. What's the point?

My schedule got changed for Saturday, just for this weekend, and it really upset me, maybe more than it should've. I don't think I can handle anything very well right now, although I didn't do too poorly about feeling either defensive or crying when it came to being talked to about the specialty show I run on Saturdays. When I mentioned to my boss that I've been crying a lot lately, she asked me, "Bad week?" I answered, "Bad life." She told me, "You're young, get used to it." There's sympathy from you -- this is the same lady that six months ago would've asked me all kinds of questions about what was wrong and if I needed to talk to someone, to go ahead and talk to her.

For the most part, I'm just going to hermit myself. I'm going to look after me, because no one else is. I'm wondering if I should email people so they don't get the wrong idea. I hate worrying so much about what other people think.

things that piss me off
People that are only nice to you when they need something; otherwise they can't give you the time of day. There are a few people like this at work, and I think I'm in just the place to lose it on one of them. Maybe I'll tell off my boss -- that'll be cathartic.

I hate the way my eyes feel after I've been crying. At least they're a really nice shade of blue afterwards, particularly against the pink. :P