Made my last-ditch efforts tonight. Apparently J was expecting me to speak up when he told me that he wanted to break up with me (9 days ago and counting), and he figured I'd say that I could tough it out. We talked about it tonight, and he said that he wouldn't let me do that, since he'd feel guilty, etc., etc., etc. So, I ask, what's the point to me saying anything on the subject?

I asked him if he actually meant it when he said that he was falling for me, and he said... well, here. Violating all rules of netiquette some more, here's the latter half of the conversation (first half got lost when IE exploded on me :P):

Me: Quite simply, the few boyfriends I've had that I was able to be myself around, and let down all my shields and all that were the ones that I was in love with. I've been trying to figure out (for a bit now) if it was too early to feel that way about you, even though I was/am pretty convinced that I was/am.
J: That's usually how it feels when it's supposed to be right. Don't feel bad, atleast you know what love is and are able to meet someone whom you can be yourself around, it's not that easy for some people.
Me: Such as yourself?
Me: Does this mean I was wrong to believe you when you said you'd fallen for me?
Me: Or is your definition of falling for someone different than mine? Or you thought that I expected to hear it, or ... ?
J: No, I was falling pretty hard for you, then reality made me realize that someone was going to get hurt in the long run. You really got to me.

So, the last line is kinda sweet. The first part kinda pissed me off, though... I mean, here I am implying that I love him, and that's what he has to say? Well, reread the whole sentence, I kinda took issue with all of it (as you might be able to tell from the questions that followed. :P)

It's a whole martyr thing, almost. I can appreciate what he's doing (as I say all the time), but I said earlier in the conversation that he has to stop assuming guilt for everyone -- that I'm a grownup and if I want to tough something out with him, as people and friends are supposed to do for one another, then I should be allowed to make that choice. I don't know. I kinda made the offer this evening, and it was pretty discounted, so... *shrug* We're at an impasse, as we both keep saying.

*grump* *grump* *grump* My boss asked me today what crawled up my ass. I wonder if this means I can ask her the same thing when she's in a bad mood? ;)

So, quite simply (well, not really), I give up. I tried. Maybe not hard enough, but... I don't know. I was honest with him and I told him how I felt and where I stood, and it still wasn't good enough. Maybe somewhere down the line, when I get over him, I'll find someone that appreciates all these wonderful things I apparently am and can bring to a relationship (eat that, coworker), and that person will want to be with me, in spite of any problems or whatnot. And maybe he'll love the fifty cats my house will be invariably filled with, 'cause that's what I want for when I grow up. :)

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