So then, I just give it up. I give up on all of it and I'll just totally hermit myself and do nothing but study and read. I haven't a clue how I'll have the time to do it, or even when, but maybe it's a good thing that I'm not in a relationship right now, because I wouldn't have time for it. Or, I'd make time for it and then I'd feel guilty about all the work I have to do and haven't.

I want to be more than a friend. I want to be better than just that. I want to be what I was, and I want it to be how it was. So much for hugs, huh? Guess that's not really an issue. Guess maybe I was just reading more into everything, as I always do. At first I was afraid that I wasn't as into the relationship... guess that bit me on the ass when it changed. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I don't know... I'm upset and I'm not upset. I want and I don't want. There was a cute boy sitting behind me today in class. He apologized when he kicked my chair, and I gave him back his bag when it fell off the little step into my row. We kept meeting eyes, but I don't know how deliberate it was.

Tomorrow is the scary class, the class I failed last time. Dr. Seuss, my blue Siamese fighting fish (or betta fish, if you prefer), seems to be depressed. He's not as swimmy active as he used to be. I'm going to try moving them into the basement, and see if maybe that helps. I think he likes to have light; there was light in the kitchen and lights installed above his little container (it's hardly a tank) over at J's place.

My writing course begins tomorrow. This is the college course I've signed up for, distance-learning style. I kinda hope there isn't much reading to do; who knows when I'll actually have time. In fact, who knows if I actually have time for the course itself, but I'm going to try. It's kinda scary to me. I don't know why; I've been in school for the last 17 years straight, but I guess because it sounds so serious: "Writing for Publication I". There's a II, I might take it next semester if it's offered. I only have four courses next semester (assuming I don't fail the scary course, although I've heard that this prof isn't too bad), and there's already another course for radio I kinda want to take, too. That one I'd have to go to the campus for.

Anyhow... trying to lose some weight on top of everything else. Or at least eat healthier so I don't gain anymore, and perhaps so that I will be attractive to the boys! Yeah, 'cause that's what it's all about.

*sigh* Fuck. Argh, argh, argh and fuck. I just want. Yeah. Some people (like D, not Di), have said that they don't think he was good enough; she said he didn't dance, he didn't talk enough, that now that this has happened, the seed of doubt will always be there for me (if we hooked back up again), and that anytime his ex- calls, he'll drop everything (i.e., me), and go running to her beck and call, because of the child. They've said that the next one'll be even better, and everything I'm feeling will just apply even more so to the next one. I've been told that there are tonnes of great, awesome guys out there and I just have to find them. But when will they accept that I was happy, and I don't/didn't feel the need to keep looking? I mean, it's what the ex- is going through now -- that the grass is always greener, and the next upgrade will fix the problems in the current one. Well, the problems I had with the current one (sometimes a bit rough, constant teasing, nail biting) were all things I could deal with. I know that if I said, "Please don't tease me about this, I'm sensitive about it," then I'd never hear a thing about it. There was a time that we were insulting each other, and he said something that I found a bit too far, but before I even said anything about it (which I was debating), I received an apology and I was told "that was too far, I'm sorry."

I just want her to go away. Far away, maybe marry someone else. I'm being so completely selfish and unfair and maybe at some point soon I'll move beyond it. But for now... sometimes I feel I'm fine (like on the 9th), and sometimes I feel I'm not. Mostly now though, I just feel numb. I think I've reached another point where I'm shutting off my emotions (being the robot that the coworker once accused me of being), and just being... the student. The employee. The friend.

Di, hon, when (if) you read this... I think I know why you were trying to get in touch with me early. I'm sorry baby. :( Tell him it's all his fault though, and what the hell did he expect to find on your site? Yourself singing his praises all the time? Forget about it!

Forget about it seems like good advice. So many of us gorgeous, intelligent, wonderful women are just getting discarded or used or set aside, like we don't have feelings or we don't care or we don't matter. Maybe I should be looking at it that way, get some good ol' righteous anger going on. Although, it's for altruistic reasons, so it's not entirely fair or accurate. Fuck.

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