Surgeon General Says Children Calling Shotgun Dangerously Early
by TheSpark's Christian Rudder

Don't let this happen to you.

Washington, D.C.— Calling it a "crisis among our nation's children," Surgeon General Elmo Cooper said that America's youth are calling shotgun far too early, and that he will lead a campaign to stem the trend. Dr. Cooper hopes that the country will rally around the new slogan "Just Don't Say Shotgun" and stop calling for the front seat hours, even days, sooner than necessary. The campaign will feature a series of dark, brooding ads showing young people who've lost friends by calling shotgun too soon. In one compelling spot, a young boy, stranded at the mall by his friends for calling shotgun during the movie they had come to see, says, "Now what the fuck am I gonna do?" as they drive off. He is then run over by a truck, and, later in the ad, stray dogs tear apart his forgotten corpse.

Dr. Cooper says that, medically speaking, "a premature call is the exclaiming of 'shotgun' before any part of the vehicle is in view," but he said that the definition will have to be revised in light of troubling new data. To illustrate the problem, Dr. Cooper brought several afflicted teens to speak to reporters. Said Billy Gaynor, a hardened seventeen-year-old from Knoxville, "The first thing I do every morning is call shotgun eight, maybe ten, times. That gets me a few good rides. But I still can't beat the people who set their alarms at like 4:00 A.M." Dr. Cooper warned that while many youths, particularly young men like Mr. Gaynor, glorify shotgun and think it is 'sweet', calling it too early can have many dangerous side effects, including peer ridicule and rides in the trunk. Studies have also suggested that early shotgun-calling can lead children to prematurely blurt out other things, such as semen, which can have serious consequences later in life.

Explaining the early calling rise, Dr. Cooper said, "Children learn from their parents that riding shotgun is more spacious, so naturally, they want to sit up front when they are old enough to make seating decisions for themselves." Kids also face peer pressure from older children, who make fun of and sometimes scoot the seat back on children who don't ride shotgun. Dr. Cooper concedes that this abuse is deserved, but he implores parents to hide that fact from their kids: "Our children must not know that they're bitches for riding in the back. That way we can always get the front."