To some extent, I've lost the flirtatious side of my personality. With friends, I can still do it; with others, it's a bit trickier.

At the restaurant Friday night, with D and her crew, there were a number of opportunities; I was acting on them, but possibly seeming to come on too strong, who knows? Who cares? The waiter with the pony pen was being strong with his comments, so I didn't mind doing the same; the bartender, I may have scared. But he should be used to it, and we figure he was.

At the frat... I wasn't trying, 'cause I just didn't really care. Overall, I just don't care, which is probably why I haven't been. With D's friend C, I might've, but he was busy and I think he was more interested in D's sister, anyhow; either that or they just knew each other and were chatting.

My identity is not tied up with who I am or am not dating. I don't need a boy (or, more realistically, but not, given my history, a man) to make myself feel confident and good about myself. I just like a little attention once in awhile. Problem being, I tend to like boys who go more for D or her sister... not for frumpy ol' me.

Oh. Well.

I am the personality type, not the looks type. You need to talk to me to decide to keep talking to me.

D loves to call me Samantha, from Sex and the City. Frankly, I wonder if maybe I should adopt more of her. Think sex first, love much much much later. Problem being... well, it's been over a month since I last had sex, and I don't really care, in some ways. I'm not feeling the horny (not as bad as my writings may have given the impression); I'm feeling the loneliness, and missing the closeness of lying with someone semi-clothed or naked or mostly naked. I miss the holding and the snuggling, and the little kisses and yeah, the crazy monkey fucking, too.

Lots of my girlfriends are single right now, depending on what side of the friendship line you look. From one group, all paired up -- I'm one of the few single gals. It's a group that's mostly couples, and that's the group I was with Saturday night. From the Friday-type crew, most of them are single. Different mentalities in each group, too. The coupled ones are older than I am by a few years, and the relationships are pretty long-term; most of them are living together.

With the D crew, we're all university students, young, loud, stupid, fun. I'm not saying the Saturday crew isn't fun, just different fun. Friday's crew is drinking and dancing at bars (well, less emphasis on the drinking), which is sometimes my scene, but not always. Personality-wise, we're more of a match, but activity-wise, I'm somewhere in between the groups. I'm not very athletic, and I can't run, so some of the games that the Saturday crew plays aren't my thing. But no biggie.

Have I rambled enough? Do I make no sense yet?

A feature for today's things that piss me off, and given today's topic, don't be surprised if it comes up a lot.

People that don't listen to the whole thing you're saying
An example? Like when I say, "I'm kinda tempted to do such-and-such, but I would never do that.

Said that to my mom, and she started chastising me against doing the such-and-such, and didn't seem to be registering me saying, several times, I would never do that. That's happened with a number of people. I'm tempted to do a lot of fucking things, people, and you know how many of them I do? Right. Something like 1%. So relax. Or at least, please listen when I say that I wouldn't do it. Argh.

So Friday night, overall, was a bit of a wash. There was some fun, but it wasn't anything extra-special for me.

Saturday night... Well, work was a sauna, literally -- something's broken or burnt or whatever, so my studio was literally around 25 degrees celsius or so. I wore a tank top to work knowing it would be warm, but didn't think to wear something lighter weight than jeans. I did okay, I was just really tired from having been out late Friday night and then getting up early (and even waking up before my alarm) to get Mom to work so I could have the car. No worries. After work, drove out to backwoods for the party, and I had my little instructions, and when I crossed onto the bridge, I recognized the license plate of the car behind me, and lo and behold, I'd acquired a J. That was the most contact we had all party; him following me to R's parent's place. And he waited while I turned around after I missed the turn off.

Did a lot of chatting, played a game of Battleship, saw the gifts get opened, ate some (lots of) dessert (yay for apples and caramel, yummy -- I think I'll go pick some up for at work tonight), played a game called Werewolf, which was fun, and a boardgame called Ego with some of the ladies, which sparked some interesting discussions. Round about quarter to 1 I decided it was time to pack it in. I followed a couple of cars out, and missed another turn off (different one), but I travelled less than half a click before I turned around and found my way home.

I felt really lonely in the car on the drive home, and I wanted to cry. I don't know why, maybe overtiredness, but sometimes watching all the couples is tough. I kinda envy them their happiness, to a small degree. I miss being a part of a couple like that, and it's been kinda years in a way since I had that. The ex- wasn't very demonstrative in front of others, and we had a long-distance relationship for so much of the most recent time we went out that I didn't really have the 'public' boyfriend. The pizza guy and I were a bit so, but I wasn't feeling that relationship the same way. The coworker and I could occasionally be that way, but I didn't want to very often, 'cause I just didn't feel it with him, either. J and I weren't very coupley in public, and so we're going back six or seven years to when I was with The Ex- (or UBFM for those of you who know that acronym better). *sigh* I don't know what I'm saying anymore.

Anyhow, I think I'm going to be keeping a lot of this stuff in my paper journals, so to avoid boring y'all, and to keep things on a different note, instead of the same record getting played over and over again (mixing metaphors is a hobby of mine). Don't worry, there will still be lots of angsty stuff getting posted, believe you me; it'll just be a different bent, I think. You'll see what I mean.

I had my imood set to fed up for about two minutes, before I changed it to insecure; I'm feeling both, but one more than the other. I'm also feeling stressed, because I've wasted the last few days and accomplished little to no reading, due to my own laziness. And next weekend will be a bit of a wash again; the Saturday crew is getting together Friday night for girly goodness, and the Friday night crew is probably going back to the restaurant Saturday night again. Not too sure if it's a go or not, but we'll see. Time for me to be getting ready for work. *sigh* I'm really tempted to take a few days off work to try to get caught up, but there just aren't very many good ones. Argh. At least I only have less than a year of this to go.

I mean work and school; I have lots of years of the other crap to go, I'm sure.

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