Okay, still no update, but here's a thought:

I've decided to stop wanting anything for myself. When I do want something, or want things to go my way, and I work to get it, I'm selfish, self-absorbed, and only happy if things go my way. Or, conversely, when I want something and someone else or the universe itself is against me, then there's that feeling of unfairness and whatnot that results from not being able to have things work out. I don't care if life goes my way all the time. I just think there are some things that should work out. (I had it better formulated in the car on the way home... this is really why I need to buy a mini-cassette recorder.)

Yet I'm philosophical about it all now, instead of depressed. Today's mantra: "What's the point in saying anything new? It won't change anything." which is totally true.

There was some minor dispute about my statement from yesterday, "sometimes love isn't enough." I was introduced to the idea of loving with a closed heart, which I hadn't considered. That's loving with shields up; when I said that I had my shields down, it seems especially unfair and shitty that that was celebrated and appreciated when it wasn't reciprocated. There's almost a double standard there.

If I never want anything again, I can't be disappointed. I'll stick my head in the sand, the same way others around me are doing, and since it seems to make them happy, it should work for me. I'm doing better... maybe with other people's methods of solving problems, I'll really do great.

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