Television has taught me that the following parts of my body aren't good enough:

My eyes
My lips
My hair
My stomach
My arms
My thighs
My feet
My nails (toe and finger)
My skin
My glasses (okay, not quite a part of my body)
My clothing (see above)

... and the latest:
My teeth

There's an awful lot of money to be made from telling people that there is something wrong with their bodies. There's also no shortage of things to critique about people, although the market is getting rather saturated.

I've decided to create a new career for myself. I'm going to hire myself out and pay myself exorbitant rates to go and tell people what's wrong with their bodies, based on nothing more than my own personal opinion. However, I will have a specialty; I'm going to concentrate on people's earlobes. That appears to be an untapped resource.

I will roam the streets of downtown, telling passersby that none of them can have perfect earlobes without my new MiracLobe! MiracLobe will be in the form of a suppository cream that you use three times a day for six weeks, to give yourself fuller, rounder, more supple, soft and nibbleable earlobes.

MiracLobe! is not gender-specific! It doesn't matter if you're young or old, hetero, homo, bi or undecided, male or female, MiracLobe! will work for you.

MiracLobe! works by quickly infiltrating the Darwin tubercle, adding definition and colour in this hidden area, before spreading through the rest of the ear to form this after image, seen here:

Are you not envious of these beautiful earlobes? Does your significant other say that he or she has lost interest in your earlobes ever since the baby came/car accident/job stresses started adding up/the new television arrived?

Do you know why that is? It’s because your earlobes aren’t good enough anymore! In this age of youth and beauty, you’ve gotten old! How the hell could you have let that happen? Don’t you know that’s death to any relationship?!?

We’re sorry, it’s just that we here at MiracLobe! feel passionately about the beauty of your earlobes, and we care deeply about the state of your personal life. We’d like to help you win back your significant other’s interest in your earlobes, to help you to a happier, healthier relationship.

If you still aren’t convinced that MiracLobe! is the right product for you, don’t listen to us! Listen to some of our happy customers:

“I always thought that putting something up my ass three times a day was… kinda… like… y’know … gay and stuff, but I really enjoyed it! Oh yeah, and MiracLobe! really worked and stuff, and now my wife can’t keep her teeth off of my wonderfully supple earlobes. Thanks MiracLobe! -- you saved our marriage and gave me something to do when I’m watching tv.” -- Roy, from Calgary

“I love MiracLobe! Men are always commenting on my earlobes in bars and on the street, and offering to suck them. It’s been the deciding factor in me opening up my home-based escort service, and everyone gets a happy ending with MiracLobe!.” – Tanya, St. Louis

And those are just a few of the thousands of people who’ve written in to say how much MiracLobe! has helped them.

If you think that MiracLobe! can help you, send credit card number, cheque or money order for three easy payments of just $29.95, plus $10.00 shipping and handling to the address provided by our helpful staff at litterbox jen at yahoo dot c a .

…it will work for you, otherwise you’ve wasted a lot of money

No comments: