Tales from the evening:

I ran around, late as usual, to get ready for the wedding. Got the contacts in, dress on, makeup done, ran off. Managed to turn the wrong way coming off the highway, so I had to tear back around, find parking, then run into the church. Luckily I got there just before the ceremony started, so I didn't interrupt anything.

The ceremony itself was really sweet; I found myself tearing up a few times. I didn't get to see too much of it, 'cause I'm wee and I was near the back, but it sounded very nice. :)

After that, we (the invited), stood outside and shivered a little while everyone did pictures inside. Many of the men did the manly thing and offered up their jackets to us underdressed ladies, so I sported Jay's jacket a few times during the day; unfortunately the weather wasn't the most cooperative. It was a little cold and drizzly, but it didn't out and out pour, so that was good.

Jay and I drove towards the reception area, but stopped in at a mall to have a snack. We chatted a bit about wedding stuff, and I was saying that I wished Greg and Madeleine the best and kinda hoped for something similar for myself. Then, very shortly after we arrived at the reception, JJ, one of the other members of the group, told me no one would ever marry me. So, it was a warm and fuzzy day.

We all stood around and chatted with one another, nibbling on hors d'oeuvres while we waited for the bride and groom to arrive. Once they did, it was fairly soon after that that we sat down for dinner. The emcee announced that the priest was going to say a blessing and grace before we at, and as he stood up to do so, I noticed a spider inching along the tablecloth towards me. I gave a little yelp and cowered in the corner, as far from the table as I could manage (about a foot or two away). Jay and my other seatmate looked after spider disposal, and I was safe to return. Of course, what with the timing and all, it was thought that I was really opposed to grace, but the story was all explained and laughed over later.

As I sat down to dinner, I pulled out my cell phone and noticed that I'd received two calls; one from D, and the second from my house. I thought the call from home was weird, as my parents knew that I'd be out all night, but I thought perhaps something from work had come up (as they'd tried to get me to come in today), so I checked the message. I couldn't hear much of what D's message was, since the ambient noise in the room had picked up somewhat, but I could hear enough of the second message to run out of the room -- my sister had called saying that friends of the family had been in a car accident in Newfoundland, and that the father, Mike, was killed.

I started crying immediately, even though I wasn't entirely sure I'd heard correctly, and all I could say was, "Oh my God," over and over again. I called home and no one answered, so I called my dad's cell. I asked him if I'd heard right, and he said yes, and I squeaked out, "Dad, that's awful" and probably another "Oh my God," and he didn't say anything until he said, "here, talk to your mother" and passed the phone over.

Mom told me a few more bits, I cried and said some more, "Oh my Gods," and after we hung up I sat downstairs and cried for a bit more. They were asking me what my plans were, and telling me not to drive if I was upset; they said I should take a cab home and leave the car there if necessary. I said I was going to stay through dinner, or at least as much of it as I could, and they were on their way to pick up the two daughters that are in town right now and bring them here.

I went into the washroom to clean up, and a lady was there changing her baby. She asked if I was okay (I had to chuckle a little at the fact that I had mascara streaks down my cheeks), and I said I'd just gotten some bad news, but I was okay and thank you.

I went upstairs and Jay asked if I wanted to go for a walk, so I got my purse and wandered off and told him. We walked and talked for a few minutes before returning to the reception, where we ate and chatted with the rest of our table. I had a few wobbly moments, but I held on through the dinner and speeches, then headed home.

I stayed because I wanted to be around friends for awhile, and maybe just pretend it hadn't happened, as immature as that may be. I didn't know what to say or do once I got home, and I know that's really common in situations like this -- no one knows how to act, so they don't say anything and people feel bad and it's all a mess. By the time I got home, everyone seemed to be holding on okay, and poor E was fielding one long distance call after another, talking to people and hearing their sympathies (I imagine) and so on.

We sat downstairs and watched "A Guy Thing," which is actually a really bad movie, but it gave us all something to focus on for awhile. I feel somewhat out of sorts, and not sure how to act; Mike and his wife and my parents have been friends for longer than us kids have been in the picture, and we've all grown up together, albeit in a distant sort of way -- they live in Nova Scotia, and we don't. Annual vacations unfailingly involved time spent together, and we've gone camping in Prince Edward Island twice together. Whenever one of our families needed a place to stay or a helping hand, we were there for each other, and Mike is... was... the most generous and helpful person I've known. I'd count on him as a second dad, and if there was anyone that I could imagine not being there, it wouldn't have been him.

He and my dad were going to photograph my cousin's wedding together, and I know my dad was really psyched about it. I was looking forward to seeing him. He has... had this huge booming laugh, and he used to love to take shots at me and my sister and he'd laugh himself silly when we managed to riff them off of him or Dad. He was the first one to hear about J and I breaking up, and he just gave me a big hug and rubbed my back. At the dinner table that night, when his wife was a little surprised at the fact that I wasn't as enthusiastic about J's great qualities when she was discussing them, he just gave me a sympathetic, understanding look.

I feel weird in a way about being upset. I don't want to tell everyone what's going on and make them feel all bad -- that's why I didn't tell Greg and Madeleine that I was leaving, or why (R's sister said she'd make sure they knew). I didn't want to spoil their big day, and I figured I wouldn't really be missed. I know the way that group talks that everyone would find out sooner or later :), but it wasn't necessary to make a big deal. I want people to know, so they can understand if I seem weird, but I don't want to say, in case they feel bad. I also feel like it's not nearly as much *my* bad to feel; as important as Mike was to my family and I, he wasn't my dad, so I don't have a right to feel as bad? It doesn't make sense.

So... yeah. That's where things stand right now. I'm sorry this entry is depressing, though I know it didn't start out that way -- I'm just taking you through the progression that was my day. I'm still sad, and in a way writing this hasn't helped (me feel unsad), although it's the easiest way to inform everyone without having to explain it all. This is just my way of dealing with grief; crying, and writing. I wound up talking to E (the boy) on the phone for about two hours last night, which helped somewhat. It was nice to just think of other things and be stupid. Poor E was having to carry most of the conversation, since I was pretty exhausted and not very interesting, but at times I perked up and was more part of the conversation.

Anyhow... going to try to have a slightly more up day today. I thought I might take the day off from work, but I think working will actually be good. If nothing else, it'll give me something to complain about. :)

No comments: