Okay, so. At heart, I... I was going to write, "I'm basically an insecure person," but now I'm doubting the truth of that statement.

See, at times, I'm quite confident. I know I possess a degree of intelligence, I'm not coyote ugly (I hope), and I'm not unusually shapen in any form. I have a reasonable sense of humour and I'm usually relatively tolerant, even if sometimes I put on the veneer of rage for the sake of grouching or laughs.

However, I've never in my life been The One. I've never been The Attractive One, I've never been The Intelligent One, nor The Hot One, The Funny One, The Athletic One, or anything particularly distinctive aside from "The Short One who's kinda blonde, wears glasses, and kicks people." I'm not nearly as full of rage as people seem to think, but it makes them happy to think it, so... meh. Ish. Sometimes it's frustrating when people assign you personality traits and won't let go of them, regardless of how you may protest; this is why I've been labelled angry, a man-hater, and a whore (not necessarily all by the same person or in that order). Interesting that I'm both a man-hater and a whore, but whatever.

I'm not stacked, nor am I scrawny. According to one guy, I'm chubby, but whatever (well, that's one guy who actually said it to my face). Admittedly, I have a number of friends with whom I'm "The Fat One," and that's saying something about their bodies more so than mine. I'd love to lose some weight, and I hopefully will when I move out and start forcing myself to exercise. For now, I'm just too lazy and too damn tired to really do much about it. Come September-October, I'll be buff and hot. *flex*

But all of this is my roundabout way of getting to one prevailing thought: sometimes I have a real hard time listening to other guys go on and on about the various girls that are around me that they find hot. Maybe those kinds of conversations take place about me when I'm not around, but I haven't the faintest. It's one thing when it's a platonic friend who's doing the appreciating -- if it's someone I've never had an interest in, or am not currently seeing, then I don't really mind hearing them say they want to bone so-and-so.

On the other hand, when it's someone I'm dating, or someone I'm interested in, it's a bit of a blow to the ol' ego, fragile as she is to begin with. I know it's human nature, and I know that I don't always keep all my lust directed in one sole direction, but it's usually something that I'll keep to myself, or to a girlfriend. I know that as me, I won't act on that lust. Sure, there's eye candy that walks up to my till, but I'll look and then forget. I'd rather look and talk about the one that I'm seeing naked at the moment, rather than the one that I saw and know nothing about.

Yet guys, or maybe it's just the guys I know, seem to hang onto mental images for some time. I dated one guy who said that the stars of many of his masturbation fantasies were girls that he passed on the street, ones that he only saw once for a brief moment and then never saw again. I was never sure if I should've been reassured by that or concerned; if he was looking at every girl he saw about with an undressing eye, did that make him more or less likely to want to stray?

I'm not saying that fantasizing is wrong, far from it; hell, plenty of men and women do it during the act of sex itself, and so long as your partner is none the wiser, who's it harming? Admittedly if you're consistently thinking about another person in your personal realm, perhaps it's time to move on. I dunno. But unless your partner specifically asks and appears to be turned on by the notion of you picturing that girl who works down the hallway from you while you're banging away at them, do you really need to share?

Chances are I'm just overly sensitive about this, and I'll admit that. It's not as if I expect my guy to think of me exclusively when he beats off, or only get turned on by me; that's unrealistic. But that doesn't mean that I have to enjoy hearing him talk about how hot he thinks the new so-and-so is, or how many of the guys at his place of work want to do her, right? Maybe it's from reading too many romance novels or seeing too many romantic comedies, but I like to think that my guy finds me arousing above all and, as much as he may think she's pretty or has a nice rack, at the end of the day, he'd rather go home to me and my imperfect body, personality, and mad skillz.

I'll probably think of better ways to explain my head tomorrow, which leads me into another segue, but for now I'm kinda exhausted and inarticulate.

Speaking of inside my head... I remember once upon a time Ben said that I was a very open person, but only about things I wanted others to know about. If there was something I didn't want someone to know, they'd never find it out. Now, I don't know how true that is; plenty of people have picked up on little things about me that I didn't necessarily know I was giving away, but it's been observed that I can be a private person. It's also been said by so-and-so that they want to know what's going on inside my head. Fair enough.

The problem is, when I let people in, I tend to freak them out. They don't know how to react to what I say, or maybe I say it wrong, or I expect a different reaction than the one I get. I remember trying to tell someone that I was seeing once how I happened to think that their body was simply made for sex -- maybe made for sinning would be the "romantic" description -- and trying to articulate it a bit further to explain my mindset on it, and the reaction I got was, if I remember correctly: "Uh, okay." While I wasn't able to see the face of the person in question at the time I said it, my mind supplied the fearful, haunted look, the backing away, and the frantic scanning for any and all available exits. Again, maybe I'm overreacting, but things like that tend to make me shy about sharing my thoughts with others.

In my family, sometimes showing emotions leads to ridicule from others. If I cry or show that I might cry while watching an animal movie (something that will get me every time, regardless of how happy it may actually be), my mom'll tease me. I've had friends tease me for similar things; after all, how many of you didn't laugh when I revealed that I cried a solitary tear at the death of Data? But that's okay; I presented it with a self-mocking tone, knowing it was dumb and silly and deserved some joking. But sometimes being surrounded by friends and coworkers who tease you and lovingly make fun of you for various things you say/choose/do can make it hard to want to open up.

Argh. Once again, my tiredness appears to be dragging this post away from me. Quite simply... opening up is a vulnerable feeling. I know of times when people have made themselves more vulnerable to me than I may have in return. But... I don't know. Doubt, fear, skepticism... they can all play a role in why I might hesitate to open up. Being shut down does it, as does having my feelings potentially used in a game of "logic" -- "if you feel that way, why don't you do such?" Well, feelings don't obey logic, and now I'm sounding defensive, which wasn't my intention. :)

For those of you playing our home version, here's the summary: it bothers me sometimes to hear guys appreciating other girls in front of me, particularly when it's a large group of guys or guys I want/am seeing. Secondly, if people don't always react the way I hope them to/expect they might to something serious I have to say, then I may be shy about revealing things again. I don't say things to freak people out, and they're rarely as intense as they may seem... they're just things I feel at that time or in general, and if you asked me again in five minutes, I might feel that much more or less strongly about it. Just 'cause I might say someone has the perfect body, particularly for sex, doesn't mean I don't also appreciate that person's mind, their sense of humour, their cuddling ability and their face... it just means that if I look at that body (at least, at that time), I want to jump it. :)

Anyhow, must get up at some point before noon tomorrow, so I will end this now and probably read it over tomorrow and go, "What the hell was I trying to say?" If any of you have any responses or can explain it to me, please feel free. :)

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